Top Chef 12/27/18--"Surprise...It's Restaurant Wars" summary

Previously on “Top Chef”: everyone pretended it's Christmas, when we all know it's the middle of the summer. There was a random Quickfire that involved trading ingredients, and also not being able to change your ingredients so being stuck with whatever. David used leeks as pasta and won that. Then the producers also pretended that everyone could have the night off and have Tom and Graham cook Christmas dinner. Then Eric Ripert showed up. Then they were told to make dessert for the Elimination challenge. Brian didn't bring a dessert recipe because he is not genre savvy, or he's an idiot. Nini has some pastry experience that she'd been hiding, and she won. Brian did end up on the bottom, but in the end Kevin was sent home for salty cherries, and also for knowing they were salty and serving them anyway. (click for more)
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Top Chef 12/20/18--"Naughty and Nice" summary

Previously on “Top Chef”: the Quickfire asked chefs to come up with meals to satisfy Gail's pregnancy cravings. Then the top two meals were packaged up so they could take them to Gail to make at her apartment. Smells suspiciously like a meal kit. David won immunity from that, although they didn't tell them until after the Elimination challenge. Then the contestants went to Maker's Mark to have a Kentucky feast and then get into two teams to “reinterpret” those classic dishes. Of course, one team did a great job and one team failed, but at least the one chef actually from Kentucky was on the winning team (although she didn't actually win). Nini won by making spoonbread with etouffee. Eddie had to buy rack of lamb instead of lamb loin, which caused him to go way over budget. Then his team got thrown off, although the main complaints didn't all have to do with lacking ingredients. Natalie's lemon curd didn't taste lemony enough, so that's something that could have been solved with more money, but her crust also was raw, which couldn't be blamed on anyone else. So Natalie went from first to worst and was eliminated.(click for more)

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Top Chef 12/14/18--"Bourbon, Barrels, and Burgoo" summary

Previously on “Top Chef”: 15 chefs went to Kentucky to try to win all the usual prizes from Bravo. The Quickfire at Churchill Downs had teams and not using knives after two minutes. The winners got tickets to the Derby, which is a nice prize actually. The Elimination Challenge made the teams compete against themselves at the usual “make small plates and stand at stations while random people walk around and try to be on TV” event. Brandon was sort of a villain, but compared to the master list of Top Chef villains like Ilan and John Tesar and so forth, he's basically harmless. Natalie won, with a ceviche/Vietnamese flavors mashup. Caitlin tried to make tomato cobbler with a biscuit top, which sounds amazing, but ended up soggy. (click for more)

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Top Chef 12/6/18--"The Fastest Two Minutes in Cooking" summary

I'm not sure why we're in Kentucky, but there you go. New season, new gimmicks. I don't mind this gimmick, though, which is that the “veterans” that are returning are starting out in Last Chance Kitchen. Brother Luck and Carrie from Colorado, and Jim from Charleston. I don't mind any of them, honestly, so that's a good sign. (click for more)

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Project Runway...?

As you may have heard, even though "Project Runway" was picked up by Bravo after the Harvey Weinstein scandal, today Heidi and Tim announced they were leaving the show to go do their own show on Amazon. Zac is also leaving, but no word on Nina. You can read about it here: https://www.hollywoodreporter.com/live-feed/heidi-klum-tim-gunn-exit-project-runway-amazon-fashion-show-1140770

So what do you think? I don't have Amazon streaming, so watching whatever new show that Heidi and Tim do will be difficult (although it might just be bootlegging it). But we don't know who will replace them, or if the show will even continue. I mean, yeah Bravo said they were looking for replacements, but then the whole reason that "Under the Gunn" exists is because someone didn't want to do "Project Runway" without both Tim and Heidi. I don't know. Clicky clicky

Project Runway All Stars 4/5/18--"Making Fashion History" summary

Previously on “Project Runway All Stars”: the final four were asked to make six-look collections and they celebrated for about a day before Alyssa showed up with a stupid twist: tomorrow you'll show your signature look and then someone will be eliminated. I don't know why they need to do this dumb twist, and also why they couldn't have told them that up front, but certainly this is how this show usually goes down. So everyone shows and then they make everyone walk to another part of the set so they can do one of those stupid one hour challenges, making shit from scraps or whatever. They didn't even pretend they couldn't decide who should go home. THEN after that happened Isaac was all “let's not consider the one hour looks” because they just wanted to waste our time, I guess. Then Ken was sent home. He took it much better than he might have in the past. Oh and because they have one look done now they have to have seven looks in the collection instead of six. Shut up, show. (click for more)

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Project Runway All Stars 3/29/18--"History in the Making" summary

Previously on “Project Runway All Stars”: Nina showed up, which was nice, but then there was a dumb crossover with Candy Crush, which was not nice. The challenge was to make resortwear. Ken made a bright yellow jumpsuit with a sarong over the top and won. Edmond got “ski resort” and made a black suit and was sent home.

That's about it, you guys. The only other thing that happened is that Alyssa didn't look ridiculous. (click for more)

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Project Runway All Stars 3/22/18--"Nina's Crushing It" summary

Previously on “Project Runway All Stars”: everyone had to make stagewear looks. The show tried to pretend we'd never seen stagewear before but if you've watched the regular show (and wouldn't you assume everyone had?) you've seen it. Anyway, random draw for genres. I feel like “country” gets screwed the most because the definition has changed and most people like me don't understand how exactly that's happened. Edmond won again with a rock-and-roll jumpsuit. Whatever. Helen was finally eliminated for making a black sequined peasant dress with sleeves that weren't attached to the dress. For “country”. (click for more)

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Project Runway All Stars 3/15/18--"Rock Your Face Off" summary

Previously on “Project Runway All Stars”: Zac Posen showed up to ask everyone to make a red carpet look with their “signature technique”. Somehow they would use this to make their garments obvious. So when the gown walks down the runway, the judges should know it's yours. Alyssa continued to dress in an unflattering manner. Anne had better things to do so the contestants had to critique each other. Sure. Anthony won for sculpting a nice gown, and while Fabio also did great, the prize was to dress someone for a Lifetime Movie so Anthony fits that better anyway. Josh got really cocky about how he was going to finish no problem, and then didn't finish, and finally got sent home. (click for more)

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Top Chef 3/8/18--"Finale" summary

Previously on “Top Chef”: the final Quickfire required catching your own fish. The final three all managed to do this, and then we learned you have to cook trout to well done. Joseph won, and his advantage was to pick his sous chef and assign the others for the Elimination. Make a vegetarian dish for a Food and Wine Classic event, cooked on a big cauldron filled with coals. Joseph won again, with baby zucchini and pesto. Hipster Joe went home, for fancy toast (ha). (click for more)

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Project Runway All Stars 3/8/18--"Posen on the Red Carpet" summary

Previously on “Project Runway All Stars”: everyone must be “inspired” by Isaac and work in color. I actually don't think they were supposed to copy Isaac so much as they wanted to advertise the exhibit he had at the Jewish Museum. Helen made some tricky pants, but was defeated by Stanley and his off the shoulder top and weird hip peplum that he made. I didn't like that peplum thing because even though it was under the skirt and not visible, it made a weird line in the skirt. Merline was finally sent home for making weird folded garments in fabrics that cannot be folded properly. (click for more)

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Top Chef 3/1/18--"A Little Place Called Aspen" summary

Previously on “Top Chef”: everyone finally got their challenge with Rocky Mountain oysters. You know you were waiting for it. Hipster Joe won by making fried and braised testicles, and won an extra half hour to work in the Elimination challenge. Everyone got to greet family members, who made family dishes for everyone. The Elimination challenge was to reinvent these dishes. Hipster Joe was very emotional, because the dish(es) his dad made were from his mom, who has passed away. Adrienne deconstructed her mom's gumbo, and everyone loved it so much she won. Sadly Carrie went home, mostly for nitpicking reasons (they wanted more sauce). (click for more)

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Project Runway All Stars 3/1/18--"Mizrahi Madness" summary

Previously on “Project Runway All Stars”: the designers were told to make avant garde looks inspired by a planetarium show. They actually got two days for it too! Stanley won with a simple but striking dress and a cage over his model's face. I thought Anthony's pants were awesome, but that's fine. Josh got all salty about how he was in the bottom this week, because I guess he forgot he won last week, but of course he was not sent home. Kimberly was sent home for making a capelet and a sheer skirt that didn't go together. (click for more)

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TAR 30, Recap Leg 12, 2/21/18

Welcome to Leg 12! Last time, on That Crab Just Bit Me!, 4 teams raced from Thailand to Hong Kong. Henry and Evan had a Speed Bump, and managed to move into first, because Henry speaks Chinese. Conor melted down something awful when he got bit by a crab, had to speak Chinese, and then went crazy looking for hidden clues that didn’t exist. At any rate, this slowed them down and Indy Car was eliminated on the course. Which leaves us with Henry and Evan, the dating debaters from Yale, who were nearly eliminated by the first Head to Head, and then bounced back from being both U-Turned and Speed Bumped; Cody and Jessica, Team Big Brother, who fell in love in the BB House and have basically made it this far thanks for Cody; and Kristi and Jen, the freestyle skiiers who, as a team, have never placed below third on the entire race. (Toyouke: “This is a tough final three. Except for Jessica. “) Three teams remain. Who will win The Amazing Race 29? (click for more)

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TAR 30, Recap Leg 11, 2/21/18

Welcome to Leg 11! Last time, on Elephants and Bullfrogs and Scorpions, Oh My!, 4 teams raced from Bahrain to Thailand. Teams had to either catch bullfrogs or measure elephants, and then eat scorpions. And everyone was fairly successful, except for Yale, who were slow and finished last. But it was the last non-elimination leg, so they are still in the race. Who will be eliminated. . . next? (click for more)

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Top Chef 2/22/18--"Nut Allergy" summary

Previously on “Top Chef”: we're officially in the finale section of the show. Joseph rolled in from Last Chance Kitchen to compete in a Quickfire with sarsaparilla. There was a weird gimmick about being limited in ingredients, but it didn't matter because Carrie made fancy toast again and won. I mean, it looked really good, and that's all she had to work with basically. The Elimination challenge was cooking at 12,000 feet, with a requirement of baking. So you had to bake something. Hipster Joe didn't do perfectly on the baking part, but I guess the whole rest of the dish was so great he won. I know that no one's baked goods were perfect but still. Carrie didn't challenge herself and her dish wasn't super cohesive, but she cooked everything well. Chris took some risks but it wasn't refined or whatever so he was eliminated. (click for more)

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Project Runway All Stars 2/22/18--"A Kick in the Astro" summary

Previously on “Project Runway All Stars”: for some reason everyone had to design for Betty Boop. Why? Who knows why. Also the judges said “curvy” every other word and the winner got a small collection for Torrid, which is a plus-size retailer. But they mentioned this prize once at the beginning of the episode and then never mentioned it again. And didn't have plus sized models. And Betty Boop isn't plus sized. Anyway, the result of this dumb challenge was Josh finally won for something, which was a crop top with a silhouette on it and a mesh skirt with granny panties. Char was eliminated for thinking neoprene would drape and then sewing her skirt into a giant lump (because neoprene doesn't drape). (click for more)

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TAR 30, Recap Leg 10, 2/14/18

Welcome to Leg 10! Last time, on Losing a Passport Can Be Hazardous to Your Health, 5 teams raced from Zimbabwe to Bahrain. Well, at least four of them did, because Ocean Spray lost a passport en route. There was wood carrying, halwa eating, pottery breaking and camel milking, but Lucas and Brittany showed up after all that happened, so they were eliminated. Who will be eliminated. . . next? (click for more)

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TAR 30, Recap Leg 9, 2/14/18

Welcome to Leg 9! Last time, on Let’s Make Everyone Sing In a Foreign Language to Laugh At Them!, 6 teams continued racing through Zimbabwe. We encounter the second double U-turn of the race, and Big Brother and Yale are U-Turned. But this all doesn’t matter, because it’s the twins who can’t sing or dance, and come in last at the Pit Stop. Who will be eliminated. . . next? (click for more)

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TAR 30, Recap Leg 8, 2/7/18

Welcome to Leg 8! Last time, on Waking People Up at 4 AM Is Quirky, 6 teams raced from Prague to Zimbabwe. There was a shocking new twist called the Partner Swap, which was really an Intersection where teams swapped partners and kept racing. Not being able to drive stick meant that Kristi and Jessica had to take the other Detour option and had a difficult time remembering what to do. But, because this leg was ridiculous, it was non-elim, and teams were given their next clue immediately and told to keep racing. Who will be eliminated. . . next? (click for more)

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TAR 30, Recap Leg 7, 2/7/18

Welcome to Leg 7! Last time, on Why Don’t We Get to Bathe In Beer?, 7 teams raced from France to Prague. Teams encountered the first double U-Turn of the Race, where Big Brother U-turned Well Strung. We saw a Switchback to the Kafka Roadblock, and lots of lost racers who didn’t understand that Vltava is a river. Anyway, since they were the only ones U-Turned, Well Strung never really recovered and were eliminated. Who will be eliminated. . . next? (click for more)

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Top Chef 2/15/18--"Cooking High" summary

Previously on “Top Chef”: the Quickfire involved cooking a dessert in the hotel that inspired “The Shining”. Also it was supposed to be about a fear of theirs. Or a nightmare they have. Something like that. Bruce claimed to be afraid of seeds. Chris won for making mountains and a little man impaled on trees. For the Elimination challenge, since it's the last episode before the finals everyone had to do the “show us what you've learned this season” thing. Hipster Joe won, by making pasta, actually. Bruce decided not to make pasta, or polenta, but barley risotto, which he then undercooked. So Bruce was eliminated. (click for more)

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TAR 30, Recap Leg 6, 1/31/18

Welcome to Leg 6! Last time, on Slider Puzzles Can Be Hazardous to Racing, 8 teams raced from Saint-Tropez to Les Baux. There was a lot of medieval device building, and fake bull fighting. In the end, Lucas and Brittany managed to pull off a first place finish and Lucas finally popped the question after nine years of dating. Team Chomp, who couldn’t open a slider puzzle, were eliminated. Who will be eliminated. . . next? (click for more)

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Project Runway All Stars 2/8/18--"Thrown for a Loop by Betty Boop" summary

Previously on “Project Runway All Stars”:there was a makeup challenge, which of course had nothing to do with the makeup. Everyone got a new product with some random name, that was supposed to inspire a superhero with some power. Basically, make a pretty dress with some vague story. Remember all that drama last week with Helen? Absolutely nothing happens. Anthony makes fun of her once and that's it. He made a white dress with huge sleeves, but lost to Fabio's basic sheath with a tulle overskirt. It was so basic, and I love Fabio, but it was boring. Merline's dress was too Star Trek and her seams didn't line up, but Amanda's heavy colorblocked skirt was sent home. Hey, at least they're consistently choosing design when the choice is bad construction vs. bad design. (click for more)

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Top Chef 2/8/18--"Red Rum and Then Some" summary

Previously on “Top Chef”: there was a Sudden Death Quickfire that involved edible flowers, and then cauliflower. Joseph was eliminated, because he used the cauliflower to replace rice in a risotto-type dish, but didn't chop the cauliflower finely enough. Duh. Then everyone else got into pairs to tailgate for the Broncos. Carrie and Chris made chili fries, which looked fantastic. They won tickets to this year's Super Bowl, which was made even more fantastic because Chris is an Eagles fan. Adrienne and Hipster Joe made ribs and soggy mac 'n cheese. Side note: Hipster Joe hasn't really been doing very well, has he? Fatima and Bruce for some reason made two separate dishes, so when Fatima's nachos were soggy, the judges said she was more responsible (since Hipster Joe and Adrienne had worked on all dishes equally) so she was sent home. Two strong chefs out. (click for more)

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Top Chef 2/1/18--"Bronco Brouhaha" summary

Previously on “Top Chef”: it's Restaurant Wars. You know the drill. This year everyone had to make nine different dishes per restaurant, instead of six, so they got some extra help from eliminated contestants. This did not result in drama. Claudette was picked last, because Carrie didn't want to deal with her. Then Chris told her to be executive chef, and she didn't really protest, but she then decided that she wasn't going to micromanage because “everyone is adults”. Basically so she could have plausible deniability. Of course, the other team, whose executive chef was actually tasting the dishes in the pass, won easily. Joseph ended up winning for excellent FOH service. It briefly looked like Hipster Joe was in trouble, because he did three dishes and they all were kind of not great. But Claudette's dishes were also poor, and either the judges were personally offended she was a poor executive chef, or they don't like Claudette. Or they reasoned that things like burnt garlic should never had made the table because Claudette should have caught it. But anyway, she was sent home and immediately interviewed that the judges were idiots and only wanted boring food and they'd regret it. I don't regret it though. (click for more)

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Project Runway All Stars 2/1/18--"Fashion's New Superheros" summary

Previously on “Project Runway All Stars”: it's time for the unconventional materials challenge, which this season is rubber balls. At least I assume they're all rubber. It doesn't matter. Helen bragged that she won the unconventional challenge her season, but then immediately started complaining about how terrible all these materials were. I don't know. Stanley won, for making an orange dress with scales. So basically a fish. Listen, it looked good so I'm only slightly offended my boy Fabio didn't win for golden armor. Anyway, then Helen bitched about how gluing was a copout, then she got called out on her attempt at shade, then she pretended she would NEVER do such a thing. Girl. Shade has plausible deniability. Also don't come for a room full of gay men with your terrible attempt at shade. Fabio and Anthony schooled her. Then of course she was safe and Candice went home for making her model look really wide. (click for more)

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TAR 30, Recap Leg 5, 1/24/18

Welcome to Leg 5! Last time, on Be Careful, Sailing Can Knock Your Tooth Out!, 9 teams raced from Morocco to France. Teams ended up in Saint-Tropez, and went sailing where Evan chipped a tooth, and Cedric and Shawn had a Speed Bump that put them behind. Another Head to Head put teams against each other, where Brittany and Lucas pulled off a win over Cedric and Shawn, pétanquing them out of the race. Who will be eliminated. . . next? (click for more)

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TAR 30, Recap Leg 4, 1/24/18

Welcome to Leg 4! Last time, on Why Do the Gnomes Get To Zip Line and I Don’t?, 9 teams raced from Belgium to Morocco. Mistakes were made! Cedric and Shawn got tired. Yale and Indy ran to the Pit Stop and Yale placed first. And then Slam Dunk strolled into the Pit Stop, but found it was the first of the three pre-determined non-elimination legs, so they were still in the race. Who will be eliminated. . . next? (click for more)

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Top Chef 1/25/18--"Restaurant Wars" summary

Previously on “Top Chef”: Padma and Brooke made everyone cook breakfast with nutella. Lots of crepes. Carrie won for making eggs Benedict that was savory somehow. Also Bruce is a dad! Everyone was very supportive of him, and they threw him a baby shower party thing, and it was nice to see everyone getting along briefly. Then the chefs worked in teams of three to showcase speed, precision, and creativity. The team of Bruce, Joseph, and Hipster Joe beat everyone handily, and then Hipster Joe won for making perfect pasta or whatever. He is now cocky. Tanya and Claudette had a bunch of drama, which mostly was Tanya being done with everyone's bullshit and Claudette getting bossy and not picking a dish she could execute in a short time frame by herself. Claudette then threw Tanya under the bus at Judges' Table, because that's what she does, and Tanya refused to explain herself when asked to by Gail. Then Tanya was sent home for not knowing what temperature to cook lamb to (the number, she can cook lamb perfectly without a thermometer). To be fair, she seemed pretty done with the whole competition. (click for more)

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Project Runway All Stars 1/25/18--"Balls Out!" summary

Previously on “Project Runway All Stars”: the designers worked in pairs to be inspired by a food and wine pairing. I actually liked the idea of this challenge, even though I really looked down on the idea that a tasting menu was “unique”. Candice started some minor drama, because she felt Merline wasn't deciding on her own look fast enough. It doesn't matter, though, because they ended up being safe. Ken and Fabio won, with some interesting volume and two looks that were complementary. Melissa and Ari were both sent home for boring looks. Well, in Ari's case, sheer beading down the front and back of the dress. So this season, if the choice comes down to poor construction vs. poor design, the poor design has gone home. (click for more)

Alyssa pretends everyone is going on an “inspirational” trip to the countryside. To visit a castle! Merline says she belongs in that time. Your challenge is to “design a ballgown fit for a modern-day princess. Everything you'll need for this challenge will be available to you inside the castle.” Immediately there is suspicious muttering. They know.

The field trip ends at someone's backyard where there's a bouncy castle full of balls. Ha! Anthony's comment is “What in Gay Hell is this.” Five minutes to fight each other for materials. To be fair there are a lot of sizes of balls in there. Josh says he needs to stop smoking. Fabio is just grabbing whatever balls he can get his hands on. “How many times am I gonna say 'balls' today? Balls.” Amanda wusses out and just stands outside to pick up stuff. Josh does a round off and dive back into the castle. Calm down. Fabio tells Ken (I think) that he'll help carry if he can have one of Ken's balls, and Ken just laughs.

Candice takes a rainbow ball apart, sectioning it so she has petals, each a different color. Helen brags about how she won the unconventional challenge her season, and we see her sketch of a “short, flirty, fun” dress that is what she thinks of when she thinks of a princess. OK but it's not a ballgown. Are we assuming the producers were being smartasses and it's a literal “ball gown”? I'm not sure I would make that assumption. Kimberly likes the idea of these challenges, but in practice she hates them. Helen has a squeaker toy and Anthony is thoroughly disgusted. He said something about it, so she squeezed it rapidly to make a bunch of noise. I bring this up because later she's going to act like she loves everyone and there was no reason to do that except to be a pain in the ass. Fabio fits a shiny gold bandeau to cover boobs. Actually his dress looks like a cocktail dress too. It's a great gold armor-looking dress but it's taking forever to make. Helen whines about how ugly everything is. Not her opponents' looks (yet, spoiler) but how her materials (and I guess everyone's) are just terrible. Josh says in confessional that she needs to suck it up. Girl, JOSH is being more mature than you. Plus you were just bragging about how you won your unconventional challenge. Anthony's material keeps ripping.

Anne Time. She makes Candice talk about being in the bottom. Amanda doesn't know what her skirt is going to look like or be made out of. Not great. Kimberly has a bodice covered in cotton balls. She says they were in the house, so they count. I mean I guess? Helen has done nothing. She wants to make her own textile, but she apparently has nothing done yet. Josh also has no skirt yet. Stanley wants to mix the colors together, but it might get muddy. Anne tells the room that most of them didn't get enough materials, but that's fine since “the modern-day princess” doesn't always wear a long gown. So I guess that answers that question.

Helen tells whoever she's talking to (and the room in general) that it's a cop-out to use glue. Anthony says in confessional he has an appreciation for what Helen does, but he does not have an appreciation for Helen. I can get behind that. Model fitting. Stanley is trying on his muslin , but that's all he's got. Amanda doesn't have anything either. Kimberly puts on what she has, which is basically a sports bra, and realizes the cotton balls look terrible. Josh picks out open-toed denim booties for his look because of course he does. Candice's top look pretty good, but it has to be cinched to look good so she's worried about it. Fabio realizes that Edmond also has a gold dress, so he's going to put some black in. There are a lot of people with no skirts. Candice thinks Amanda is the only one who has most of a dress.

Runway Day. There seem to be a lot of people making skirts today. Stanley is gluing everything. Hot makeup guy Scott. Helen says to her model that she could just glue something, but she doesn't want to cheapen it. You're not that special, Helen. I mean if she wants to sew everything, then that's up to her. It's not like sewing is bad or anything. But you can talk about how you want to sew everything without declaring that not sewing is cheap and shitty. And that's not editing, because those words came out of your mouth and the camera was on you the whole time, and I highly doubt your model asked you a leading question that was then edited out of context.

Guest judge is Kasey Musgraves, who is a country singer. Char: short black sheath dress, with a high neck and a zipper up one side. It looks like leather but is the inside of soccer balls, I think. It's actually pretty impressive, if wrinkled. There's a big ruffle on the front that's hard to see from the usual distance the runway is shot from. Amanda: long narrow dress in blue and green plastic. It's just above ankle length, with a slit up one side. It's very bright, and there's some yellow in the skirt too. The back is hackey sacks and there is what looks like studs along the bodice and neckline. It looks like she put the colors together at least with purpose, if not subtlety. Like, the back of the skirt is a rainbow with panels that are matched up to each other. Anthony: short strapless dress, made of strips of “playground balls”. The strips of rubber have volume to them, so from far away it actually looks soft, like he's wrapped her in fabric. It's rainbow colored, but with more green and yellow on top and pink on the bottom. When she turns around it does still look like fabric but now it's got a diaper butt which is unfortunate.

Kimberly: strapless short dress, or possibly a two piece with a miniskirt. It's in pink and shades of purple, but the skirt has flaps so it moves around as she walks and brushes it with her arm. Actually I think she cut the plastic into strips so the skirt is overlapping strips. The back ties as if it's just a piece of fabric tied around her. Helen: sleeveless bodice and tea-length pencil skirt. The textile is long overlapping rectangles of blue and white, with a couple of yellow rectangles near the top. They make the model look taller and more narrow. The skirt is shiny, and I'm not sure if she took the same textile and put shiny clear plastic over the skirt, or if she found the same colors in shinier plastic to make the skirt out of. Down near her knees the skirt is see-through, so we can at least see it's blue plastic and not clear. Edmond: short gold dress with some cutouts here and there. The gold is random squiggles that are a couple inches thick, just all over, with some larger pieces to cover her boobs. Those look like football pads. In between the squiggles it looks like the muslin is uncovered, at least on the skirt. From about her hips up, there is a lot of skin. It's puffy.

Stanley: sleeveless dress, narrow, that is tea-length with a high neck. The whole thing is made out of orange scales, cut it different sizes. Near her face they're pretty small, a couple of inches, and as you go down they get larger so the ones near the hem are at least the size of her hand. There's a row of darker orange at the hem, and I think a vest? I can't tell because it's exactly the same material as the dress, but there's some weird volume at her waist that I think is another piece. Josh: short dress made out of yellow softballs that were laid flat. So the problem here is when you cut the stitches on a softball or a baseball, and lay it out, you get the same shape as a maxi pad. You made a dress out of maxi pads. He clearly liked the shape, because he's laid them out on the bodice in a pattern, and I know it's possible Josh doesn't know what a maxi pad looks like, but didn't anyone warn him? You know what I wouldn't so I guess I could see that. I think he used them as strips, because the skirt looks like strips wrapped around the sides of her legs, with plenty of skin between. I will say he put some stitching around each of the pieces which looks nice. And it's very Josh, which is to say it's tacky but looks fairly well constructed. Candice: one shouldered top and short bubble skirt. I was going to say the top was fitted but it looks kind of wide. It's the same material Anthony had, so it looks like fabric, and she's put a bunch of layers in shades of pink. On the same hip as the one shoulder strap, there's a weird kind-of-rose-petal thing with some blues and yellows, and then the skirt is all yellow. I don't mind her look per se but her model looks wide.

Fabio: tight gold dress, with a miniskirt and a high narrow neck. You know where it's not just sleeveless, but the bodice curves inward at the shoulders. The whole dress is pieces of gold, with black peeking out between the pieces, and it all moves like one piece. It looks like molded metal. Like a creative C-3PO cosplay. There's a little fringe of tabs at the hem, and a big black exposed zipper up the back with a big tassel. You guys know I hate exposed zippers but because of the little pieces of black I actually don't mind this one as much. Plus, I love Fabio. Ken: shiny blue plastic, sleeveless with a deep V, and knee- length pencil skirt. There's some detail at the hip, like a flower or something. The back is just two criss-crossing straps that wrap around her waist in front and then tie off with two big flaps over her butt. Merline: long narrow dress, with cap sleeves, in yellow as a base. Then over the yellow are blue, green, and purple puffs, and the plastic the balls were made out of has white polka dots. It looks like she made a dress and then just cut open balls and glued them on. It's lumpy and ridiculous looking.

Merline, Edmond, Ken, Josh, Anthony, and Char are safe. That shit from Merline is safe? Josh's maxi pads are safe? That's some bullshit. Amanda makes up some nonsense about an experimental filmmaker. Georgina loves the back of the skirt, where the panels are sewn together to make a chevron pattern. But the front of the bodice, which is kind of low but also square, has a weird cutout and that's not great. Just under where the neckline is, is a cutout, as if the neckline was lower and you sewed a strip holding the sides together, but you left space between that and the actual bottom of the neckline. Georgina thinks she looks pregnant. Isaac complains it's not an evening dress with a grand ballgown skirt. OK Isaac did you see ANYONE doing that tonight? Come on. Also go speak with Anne because she told everyone they didn't need to do that. Alyssa doesn't like the fit, because it's just a little too baggy. Yeah. Fabio talks about armor and Egyptian royalty, and everyone really loves it. It's short, but it looks very expensive and fancy. And it fits really well. Kimberly says something about young and fresh, but I'm noticing when they pan up the dress, she really looks pregnant. I don't think Amanda's model did, but there is a definite bulge in the skirt here for some reason. Either that or the skirt is full where it starts, but then curves back in near the hem? Alyssa likes it, but Georgina thinks it's not the greatest dress unless it's moving. Isaac thinks it's very young.

Candice talks about a corset, and everything has to be hand-stitched. I guess. Georgina tells her it's very unflattering, and the skirt is droopy. Isaac thinks she got caught up in her fabric not working, and then clarifies that he's mad at the dress and not her. I guess. I don't think this dress is worse than Merline's or Josh's. I mean, it's not great, but “random shit sewn to a dress” and/or “maxi pad straps” are worse. Stanley talks about Audrey Hepburn. Not the worst inspiration. There is a little vest on top of the dress, in the same plastic. It's very chic and moved well on the runway. It's also different from anything else up there. Helen immediately says she was more concerned about creating an “actual” textile, and she didn't want to take “the crafty route” and glue stuff to muslin. See, Helen, this is why no one liked you on your season. You wanted to sew everything, and that's fine, because it's your dress and you can do what you want. But do you really need to slam everyone else who didn't do what you did?

Georgina hates how basic it is. Helen tries to say she wanted to make something basic and fashion-forward, but Georgina interrupts her to say it's neither of those things. It's too boring. The colors are fine (although the guest judge says “Best Buy” which is hilarious). Helen continues talking, I don't know why, and says “but there's no way there's like, purple or orange going into this, looking like...a clown dress, again, I was more concerned with like, execution, and fit. I just felt it would be a cop-out to like, hot glue to muslin.” You really should stop talking. In the middle of all this it looks like Alyssa and Amanda are exchanging “Girl!” “Girl I KNOW!” smirks, or at least it's edited to look that way. She tries to claim this is just her “personal preference”, except for the part where no one asked her. Someone says “Shade!” and Helen actually denies it's shade. I mean, sure, because shade is subtle and that was obvious as fuck. Now Helen's pissed because someone called her on her shit, and she's all “well if that's how you want to take it then fine” and tells the judges that everyone else is going to take it personally, but “c'est la vie, Project Runway”. Are you fucking serious. I hate this kind of person. There is no way her speech was anything but an attack on everyone else, because she thinks she should be in the top and she's not. So she has to slam the people who ARE in the top, and then when someone calls her on it, suddenly everyone is misinterpreting her and now she's the victim. You didn't need to say any of that shit about gluing and clown dresses. MAYBE I'd buy editing, like the judges kept asking her about gluing or something until she unloaded that speech. But that doesn't explain all the confessionals we've seen all episode about how lazy gluing is, or how she brought it up when she was asked to explain her dress right in the beginning. Also have some fucking self-awareness and know how it looks. Don't act like you can't imagine why people would take that personally.

In the Scrap Bin it looks like no one will move over for Helen to sit down, but then immediately she's seated so I'm pretty sure that's edited to look like a thing. Because you know if really no one would let her sit on the couch she'd get pissed and they'd leave that in. Stanley apologizes to Helen for gluing his dress. Ha! She is immediately offended, and all “well if you want to go down that route” as if she didn't just say a million times about how gluing was a cop-out. Helen is still trying to claim she just wanted to sew everything. Fabio lists off that she said gluing was a cop-out, and she didn't want a clown dress, and she didn't want orange or purple which were the colors of the dresses next to her on the runway. She undermined everyone else so she would look better. She's got the dumbest look on her face currently, as if she's about to insist she never said those things, except for the part where that's pretty much verbatim what she said. Helen jumps up and yells about why would she say anything rude about anyone!?! Wow. Fabio just rolls his eyes and Anthony comments “Cause you do it kind of often.” Amanda says “it doesn't have to be this deep” which...I'm not sure what that means. Now Helen is crying that she respects everyone and the last thing she ever wants to do is offend anyone. Fabio is tearing her argument to pieces, and I think she's trying to claim it's just her opinion. OK, fine, but saying “I didn't want to glue because it's a cop-out” when the person next to you glued their dress is rude. Say you prefer sewing, or you like the look of sewing, or something, if it's really about your opinion. Say “I really wanted this cool sophisticated color palette”, not “There's no way purple or orange is going into this” when there's a whole orange dress right next to you. See she's not even arguing that it's not what she meant, she's arguing that she would never offend anyone. Even if I had been coerced into shittalking others I should hope I could at least recognize that what I said was hurtful. Right? Like, “I wasn't saying your dress was terrible because it was glued, I like your dress.” Right? Not “How dare you, why would I say anything rude about anyone”. Anthony rolls his eyes and says “You were just being Helen.” Fabio tells the room it was so crappy that Isaac called her out. He did? We didn't see that. Why didn't we see that? Now I feel robbed.

Kimberly's dress was very smart, but she didn't quite meet her idea for the dress. But it's fresh and it was a good use of the material. Fabio's dress was amazing, and each piece of material was placed on the perfect place on the body. Fabio's girl was a warrior princess, while Stanley's girl was a refined princess. Very well thought out. Amanda's dress didn't fit at all, it wasn't evening, and the back was better than the front. Alyssa says they maybe can't eliminate Helen on this particular dress. Isaac replies that he'd like to, because of the shade. Wait, was it Isaac who said “Shade”? I thought it was Fabio because right after everyone was looking to the left, almost behind them, and not forward at Isaac. But if it was Isaac, then that would be his calling her out that Fabio talked about. I just dismissed it because they edited a shot right then where no one was looking at Isaac. It was a boring dress, and they all agree on that. Georgina says don't come to a competition and then get upset when you're judged. For the third time. Candice's dress was a disaster. The one shoulder and bubble skirt is outdated, and she should have realized it quickly and made something else.

They call everyone back out, and Helen is nowhere to be found. She better fucking quit. If you're going to shittalk people, then you need to face up to it. Go out to the runway and get the judgment like everyone else. If you can't handle it, then go home. Also what PA told all of them to go out there before Helen could be found/agreed to participate? They knew where she was because they had a bunch of shots of her in another room by herself. Isaac asks if there was drama backstage, and Fabio just says “slight” because Fabio is the best. Isaac has the most hilarious look on his face. He is one second from demanding they fill him in on all the juicy details. I feel you, Isaac. That would be me. Finally she decides to show up, with no explanation or apology. Was that her decision, or did someone tell her to do it for drama? Kimberly is safe. Stanley is the winner! That was close. I thought Fabio should win, but I did like Stanley's look too. Fabio is in. Amanda is in. As she leaves she says “Thank you, I appreciate the feedback.” And that is how shade is done. Helen's look was not flattering and was too basic. Candice's look was overworked. Candice is out. Of fucking course. Helen is in. She goes back to the Scrap Bin and after everyone is sad Candice is out, she says “Shucks!” with a finger snap. Helen, you really need to know when to stop talking. Josh announces that they're all glad Helen is back (are you sure about that?) and they want her to know that “we're all designers here, and we can all create textiles, so if you feel the need to apologize to whoever you feel you hurt by that...?” That was stone cold. Josh, you bug me most of the time but I have to give you credit for saying that. That was great. Helen again claims she didn't mean to hurt anyone and specifically names Fabio and Amanda and apologizes. Amanda nods but Fabio looks dubious. Also what about Stanley? Candice says she had a great time and this isn't the worst challenge to go out on. It just means she can't make clothes out of plastic balls.

Next week: or this season? Betty Boop, the Smithsonian, some fancy guest judges like RuPaul and Nina, Anthony curses. 

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TAR 30, Recap Leg 3, 1/17/18

Welcome to Leg 3! Last time, on Belgians Totally Run Around in French Fry Costumes, 10 teams raced from Iceland to Belgium. Slam Dunk rebounded, and Cody and Jessica managed to win the leg as part of the first Head to Head competition. Team Yale was almost eliminated as they couldn’t figure out how to win the head to head race, but it was Goat Yoga who ended up failing. Who will be eliminated. . . next? (click for more)

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Top Chef 1/18/18--"Olympic Dreams" summary

Previously on “Top Chef”: first of all, Lee Anne couldn't recover from the stupid camping trip and she had to go home because of severe dehydration and altitude sickness. The Quickfire asked chefs to take their most involved recipe from their restaurant, and recreate it in 30 minutes for a Buzzfeed video. Chris won, and won immunity, which was good because the Elimination challenge involved beer. And he's a recovering alcoholic. Anyway, Top Chef made up a German festival, for everyone to make “elevated” German food paired with a beer drink. Tanya won, with a more traditional apple/pork flavor combo. Brother Luck tried to make German egg rolls, and they didn't taste German. Then Tom went on and on about how dumb he was for making egg rolls, when we all know egg rolls with random fillings is a very common fusion food. But Brother Luck was eliminated. (click for more)

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Project Runway All Stars 1/18/18--"Perfect Pairings" summary

Previously on “Project Runway All Stars”: the designers were told to “distress” two ways. Also they were supposed to have some kind of story for why their garment was jacked up, but they never really held anyone to that. Many people freaked out about having to damage their looks. Anthony won, because his distressing looked like it was part of the original print on the skirt. Kelly made a garment that was very her, which is to say it was borderline tacky but very obviously Kelly's look. They sent her home instead of Char because Char made pants with a train and Isaac lost his damn mind about it. Even though you can't walk in pants with a train and Kelly has a very strong aesthetic. (click for more)

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TAR 30, Recap Leg 2, 1/10/18

Welcome to Leg 2! Last time, on But Both O’s Are in the Right Positions, Except Not, 11 teams started Amazing Race 30, the Most Competitive Season Ever! There was a romp in a fountain and then a flight to Iceland. Team Big Brother made good time, and Goat Yoga got into fights. Slam Dunk got a penalty, the Skiers finished first, and in the closest finish ever, Dessie and Kayla were eliminated. Who will be eliminated. . . next? (click for more)

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TAR 30, Recap Leg 1, 1/3/18

Welcome to Leg 1 of The Amazing Race 30! (Toyouke: “I can't believe this show is on a normal night where it won't be preempted by football.”) The Amazing Camera careens through New York City (Toyouke: “Hey it's not LA!”), as usual, to Phil, who is flying through the air in a helicopter high above the city. Phil lands in Washington Square Park, the Starting Line for The Amazing Race 30. However, the teams are racing through the city as they are the Most Competitive Teams Ever!

So the eleven Most Competitive Teams Ever for The Amazing Race 30 are: (click for more)

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Top Chef 1/11/18--"Now That's a Lot of Schnitzel" summary

Previously on “Top Chef”: both Claudette and Lee Anne returned to the competition. Nice. Then everyone had to cook outside at a campsite, in the snow. So that was tons of fun. Bruce won, because of reasons. I guess because everyone has been talking about how everyone knows him and so he needed to win at some point. Tu lost, for trying to do to much. He's still headed to Last Chance Kitchen, but there wasn't an episode this week because he's the only one there. I'm sure this week there will be something. (click for more)

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Project Runway All Stars 1/11/18--"Damsels in Distress" summary

Previously on “Project Runway All Stars”: we have to watch people who have been on All Stars before, because that's the gimmick this season: people who have been on All Stars before vs. people who have not. I would argue that All Stars is not so different from regular Project Runway that you need to distinguish between the two groups but whatever. Each group was a team and they either did spring or fall collections. The rookies won, because of course they did. Merline won, because she was told her dress was boring and tried to do a thing with the sleeves and succeeded, I guess. It was a perfectly fine dress, but everyone pretended she had great ideas, instead of having Anne tell her it was boring and then scrambling to come up with something. Casanova made a swimsuit and coverup, basically, and was eliminated. (click for more)

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Top Chef 1/4/18--"This Is Not Glamping" summary

Previously on "Top Chef": the Quickfire involved kiddie tools. Also revamping the kids' menu, which was arguably the point of the whole thing. Adrienne won for making a cauliflower crust pizza. Then everyone had to make a dish based on their "heritage", which was loosely interpreted. Some people did ancestry and some did where they're from, like the South. Chris, who already has based his restaurant on his heritage, won with lemonade fried chicken. Tyler lost, because he tried to marry what little he knew of his heritage with where he's from and it didn't work. (click for more):

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Project Runway All Stars 1/4/18--"Rookies vs. Vets" summary

Previously on "Project Runway All Stars": um...you know what? I don't remember. Dom won? That's basically all I got. (click for more):

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TAR 30, Recap Leg 0, 12/27/17

Welcome back to the Amazing Race!  It’s season number thirty, and the gimmick this season involves competitors!  So, like, people who like to compete, which explains the overage of all male teams this season.  (Toyouke: “I guess as gimmicks and stunt casting go, "competitors" isn't the worst they've done. I mean, the Internet people ended up being a decent season.“)  Oh, and I brought Toyouke along for the snark. Aren’t you lucky?  Since the teams of two were predetermined (unlike last season), we’ll be able to do this the way it should be, as in without watching the first episode.  The eleven teams for TAR30 are (click for more):

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