The Quest episode 5: "Under Siege"

Previously on “The Quest”: a drill proves to Ansgar that the paladins are not battle-ready, so he makes them pick teams and then battle to the death in the Battle Dome. Well not really to the death. Leticia wins, because she let the boys knock each other out. Jasmine, Adria, and Lina were sent to the Fates to smash skulls, which Adria won. For some reason everyone thought Lina was more worthy of staying, so Jasmine was banished. Then there was an ogre. (click for more)

I am so into this show, you guys. I want everyone to help each other and be honorable and basically all the things I hate when I watch “Survivor” or “Amazing Race” or whatever.

Remember there’s an ogre by the drawbridge. Ansgar gathers the paladins and tells them to go up and gather their armor (mainly helmets and heavy tunics) and then bring the pieces of the scorpion to the drawbridge. The scorpion is that big crossbow thing they used in the first episode. Now they have to assemble the thing, according to what Ansgar shouted at them. As they dick around, because they have no idea what they are doing, Ansgar is down in the dry moat. They claim to be almost set up. The ogre comes out, and he looks pretty cool. Ansgar goes after him with a sledgehammer and gets beat a bunch of times. The paladins watch but then cannot get their shit together. They only used one of these things a few days ago, to be fair. Ansgar beats the ogre to death and then the paladins cheer. God he’s hot. He makes them promise to be better the next time. Shondo loves that he had attitude, I guess. You know how Shondo is. Ansgar does have a pretty big grin. They put the scorpion away and then meet Ansgar on the bridge again, just in time for the vizier to show up and make snide comments. Yes, we get it. He’s evil.

Down at the bottom of the castle (I guess in the dry moat) Ansgar brings everyone to a pair of wooden doors. He says “You will draw from my quiver” which sounds kind of dirty. Anyway, two teams, captains are Christian and Lina. Christian picks Patrick, Adria, and Bonnie. What? You didn’t pick Andrew and you left Shondo for last? What the hell is wrong with you? Lina takes Andrew, Leticia, and Shondo. Andrew is of course hurt that his BFF didn’t pick him. Everyone else expected that too, though, so now every other paladin is wondering what the fuck he’s doing. Christian interviews that he has a strategy. It’s a stupid strategy, if it involves picking Shondo last. Lina thinks it’s too good to be true. The teams have to barricade their doors with sandbags, barrels, dirt, wagon wheels, etc.

Christian’s team starts putting stuff down, while Andrew suggests they take inventory and plan it out. Bonnie and Adria start making sandbags. This makes Christian say that they are useless. You picked them, dummy. Andrew gives Shondo a bunch of directions, which Shondo has no problem following. Now Andrew respects him and Shondo interviews how he had no problem following directions. In the end Adria and Andrew both interview that Christian’s team’s barricade looks like crap. Christian interviews that he is confident. Dummy.

Everyone crosses to the other side of the doors, and after Ansgar makes them yell about how they’re going to give their all, they get battering rams. It’s a log hung from a framework with ropes so it will swing back and forth, and then the frame is on wheels so you can move it around. Lina’s team takes a huge swing but they didn’t move the thing at all so it doesn’t come anywhere near the door. Ha! Lina’s team gets all four of them on the ram, while only Christian and Patrick are on the other team working. Quickly Patrick says he needs a break. Lina tries to go up and reach through the door to move something, and Ansgar shouts that they have to use the ram to break through. Behind Lina and her team you can clearly see Christian looking over and then going over to the door to do the same thing. Ansgar totally loses it which is hilarious. Just because you weren’t in the Fates’ challenge last week doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten you suck, Christian. Lina’s team busts down a door first and wins, because clearly. I mean, after Christian got yelled at he just stood there instead of helping on the ram. Come on. His team is pissed they lost, except Christian. He interviews that he picked his team to fail because his allies are on the other team, so either he’d win, or he’d lose and his friends would bail him out. You asshole. You threw a challenge so you could make it another week. When I watched this episode the first time, I yelled at the TV and then couldn’t believe how angry I was. If this had happened on “Survivor” I would have just rolled my eyes and said “well let’s hope it doesn’t bite you in the ass, you moron.” But on this show I’m offended. This show should not have scheming and other nonsense. Plus Andrew is interviewing that the One True Hero should show honesty and loyalty so it’s backfiring. Oh I hope Christian goes home. Ansgar asks them to pick a winner, and Shondo quickly says Lina should win. She is the smallest and she kept up with them so she should win. Everyone agrees and she seems really touched that she’s won.

Back in the courtyard it’s back to sword practice. Bonnie gets some anger out. Adria interviews that she really wants to stay. Leticia says everyone is either driven, terrified, or Christian, in which case they are “suspect”. He always has an excuse for why he failed at whatever. Like, he’s telling his team he takes responsibility, but he’s already got excuses for how the other team picked a better place to hit or whatever. Andrew says “word quietly spread” that Christian picked his team to lose. Word from where? Who told anyone that? Was it a PA that watched the interview footage and let that slip? Or is Christian such a dumbass he told one of the other paladins? I mean…he might be. That sound bite is over a clip of Andrew, Leticia, Shondo, and possible Adria? I don’t think it’s Lina but I can’t tell who it is. There are a bunch of shots of various people talking. Patrick says that’s where the tipping point was. See, you not only have someone like Andrew who is mad you didn’t pick them, but someone like Patrick who is insulted you picked him because you wanted a team of losers. Didn’t think your plan through, did you, genius? Patrick promises to show no mercy.

Everyone interviews about how determined they are, except Christian who is super arrogant. Dick. There’s a key hanging from the ceiling. Sure. Crio says today their plan was flawed (duh) so they’ll all be locked in iron cages and they’ll have to go through an obstacle course. First one is safe, and then they’ll vote on the other three. The four go out into the woods and get locked into cages. They’re small heavy cages that your feet stick out of on the bottom. They’re really heavy. Christian and Patrick take off. The first obstacle is a fence with only two gaps, so the girls have to wait for the guys to get through. Patrick wants to go where he wants to go so he shoves and knocks Christian out of the way. Good. Bonnie gets left way behind because her helmet is over her eyes and the cage is too heavy for her. I notice Patrick has arranged himself so his legs come out the side of the cage instead of the bottom. He is the winner by a mile. As he grabs the key, he drops his cage and smacks the helmet into his head. He’s given himself a glorious black eye. Christian comes strolling in later, and then Adria. No one’s seen Bonnie. She’s still out there, but she’s really determined to finish. Everyone stands at the doorway looking for her, until they hear her scream. She rolled the cage over her hand. It’s really nice how quickly her team sprints out to get her when they hear her. Patrick heaves the cage into the bushes all HULK SMASH. I love Patrick. Bonnie is crying because she thinks she broke her hand and she’s pretty upset. Aww.

Patrick says Bonnie has the biggest heart, even if she’s not physical. Shondo brings up how she offered to help Christian with the doors with the antidote a couple of episodes ago. True. Leticia says she thinks Adria can make it to the end. Andrew really says nothing, and Patrick is like, Christian has been up there four times. Andrew says it’s not about friendship, and someone (one of the girls but I’m not sure who) interrupts him to ask if HE understands that. Boom, son. Andrew doesn’t answer for a while, and then says he doesn’t know.

Christian interviews that he feels pretty good and his friends will come through for him. Shut up, Christian. Adria knows people don’t do what they say they will. Bonnie is taking her medal off, because she knows Patrick will vote for her and if she’s banished she wants him to wear it. Aww! I love Bonnie.

Leticia votes for Christian. GIRL. Patrick votes for Bonnie, as does Shondo. Andrew votes for Adria. Nice. Lina votes for Adria, because as she says, you don’t go into a challenge to lose. Boom! Your stupid plan backfired. Leticia threw her vote because everyone deserves to have at least one person behind them. Aww, that’s nice. OK. Christian is still smirking which is so dumb, but no one says goodbye and he’s leaving, so good. He interviews that he “compromised” some of his “integrity” but “I know who I am”. Whatever dude.

Bonnie is still crying from being happy people still want her around. Leticia explains to everyone why she voted for Christian and they seem to accept that answer. Andrew says he understands because they couldn’t keep saving him. Patrick revels in his badass black eye. Shondo says all of them are cage fighters now. Hee.

Back in the courtyard there is polishing saddles and fixing arrow shafts. Ansgar comes by and says “Lady Patrick” I guess because the black eye looks like makeup? Hee. Ansgar asks how the girls did, and Patrick admits Bonnie hurt herself but he knows she would have finished if they hadn’t come and gotten her because she’s not a quitter. Ansgar makes her come over and hold a sword to prove she’s not too hurt. Her explanation makes it sound like she dislocated her thumb but she says it’s fine. Ansgar shows them how to make the arrow shafts and he seems more relaxed. Or he is better at improv. Bonnie then is like “Ansgar I finished your song”. Ohhhh one of Bonnie’s songs. They all get together and sing a terrible song about Ansgar and bang the table. I love you Bonnie but your songs are legit terrible. Ansgar looks embarrassed. He says he is flattered and thanks for making me laugh. Then everyone looks up at a tower were there’s something either projected on the wall, or they made them all pretend to see something. It looks like a ball of fire. Ansgar says it’s a spy orb. End of the episode.

Next time: Find the spy.