The Quest episode 3: "Save the Queen"

Previously on “The Quest”: the remaining paladins were introduced to Queen Ralia XXIII. They were also told Verlox is within a few days of the castle. When everyone was learning to ride, Leticia lost her piece of the Sunspear. In case you were wondering, she just got yelled at a little bit instead of being disqualified. The main challenge was to shoot arrows and spears and joust on horseback. Shondo destroyed the challenge and earned “the Dub” as he says. I love Shondo. Andrew called the Queen “my lady” and everyone acted like it was a big thing. Jim, Ashley, and Christian were the bottom three, which is sad because Ashley is a horse trainer and Christian has been going on about how he does this kind of thing for a living. I mean, he goes to Ren Faires and does demonstrations. Jim won the Fates’ challenge (this very long thing involving horseshoes) and then Christian was saved by the vote, sending Ashley home. The other paladins told Christian this was his last chance. Later at dinner the Queen appeared and then was poisoned! Gasp! Can the paladins save her? Spoiler: yes. (click for more)

Everyone stands at the Queen’s bedside while she just lies there looking terrible. The vizier feeds her something and of course nothing happens. Ansgar tells Crio to get all the scrolls on potions and poisons he can find and bring them to the round table. Then he tells the vizier to write down all the Queen’s symptoms. The vizier gets shirty about it, of course, because he’s totally evil. Also he’s the most knowledgeable person in the kingdom when it comes to poisons. I mean…clearly we’re meant to suspect him, but at the same time I feel like they’re making it so obvious that it’s a red herring and he’s totally innocent. Oh, he happens to be an expert but he happens to fail today and can’t find anything. He still doesn’t have a name either!

The paladins look at scrolls. They all have magnifying glasses but the scrolls I can see don’t look that small. Crio and Ansgar have the list of symptoms, so the paladins have to find a scroll with that exact list of symptoms. There is a lot of talking because everyone is shouting out whatever is on their scroll. Bonnie says she’s going to take all the scrolls they’ve eliminated to take them off of the table. It does seem like they wasted a lot of time going through scrolls and dumping them back in the same pile. The vizier comes in and tries to say that since the paladins have arrived, things are going down and so therefore it’s their fault. Yeah, we’re totally supposed to believe he’s evil. Shondo promises he can trust them. Crio brings more scrolls and eventually Patrick finds the right scroll. They need wolf hair, banshee blood, bat teeth, and dragon tears. Of course they do. Ansgar thinks they can find everything but dragon’s tears. Jim actually interviews about how rare that must be and how do you make a dragon cry. Oh Jim. Crio thinks he “might” know where to find dragon’s tears. I kind of wish that was another search through scrolls, but we can go with Crio.

Everyone runs off to the woods where they meet Miracle Max. No, not really, but this witch looks exactly like Miracle Max. OK she’s technically the Hag of Perqual. Whatever. In a clearing they find a tiny shack and a cauldron with some dry ice. She knows what they want and she sends them further into the woods to seek the ingredients. They have to earn it. So this is the episode’s challenge, which you could have guessed at any time. Hey, at least it’s related to the story.

So there are doors in the woods. Just…doors. Could you walk around them instead of trying to break through them? Sure but then you wouldn’t earn anything and prove you were the One True Hero so you should play by the rules. There are more paladins than ingredients, so if you are too slow you will get nothing. The first door has a Survivor Treemail couplet about the lock. The locks are wrapped in rope and then caked in tar. Christian promises he is ready to cut some throats to win. Ugh. Normally I love a good competitive person but on this show it bugs me. Andrew is the first through. There are stumps with bottles on them, so he takes one and then heads for the next row of doors. These ones you have to use the “ogre” tooth to saw some ropes and get the door open. Patrick is next. There is a really nice shot where the cameraman went down the line of doors, and everyone is banging on the locks or whatever, and you see Christian is looking around on the ground. Christian has lost his key. Good job, dummy. Andrew and Patrick get through about the same time, as Lina is getting through the first row of doors. Adria and Shondo are through, Shondo with some stuff about how iron sharpens iron.

After the commercial Christian still hasn’t found his key. Jasmine is through. Patrick and Andrew have to dig under the next set of doors. Patrick worries his bubble butt will give him problems. Hee. Bonnie offers to help Christian look for his key if he helps her get her lock uncovered. He totally goes over and just jacks around while looking for his key. Bonnie got screwed in that deal, especially since he quickly comes back over like “well let me see if I can turn it”. This show has different rules than your normal reality show, Christian. You have to play nice. Andrew digs under his door and is at the last door. You are just supposed to bust through, and he does so a second before Patrick. So Andrew wins. Jim, Christian, and Bonnie still haven’t gotten through their first doors so they are the losers. That means Christian is in the bottom AGAIN, just like every other time.

Everyone goes back to Miracle Max, where Andrew mixes the antidote along with some fake lightning. It’s not that exciting, although at the end they get smoke. Plus it’s fun to watch two actors and ten non-actors really get into mixing this potion. Once it’s done the hag starts yelling at them to run and they all haul ass. Poor Bonnie is last, but she’s trying. I like Bonnie, she always tries, you know?

Jasmine does bring up the fact that the hag might have screwed them with the potion. Andrew is given the chance to give the antidote to the Queen, who takes a breath and then there’s some fake smoke and she wakes up. Nice. The vizier is the first person she sees, so she’s like “Oh vizier! You saved me!” which allows Crio to get indignant and say it was Andrew and the paladins. He remembers to call her “Your Majesty” before the vizier kicks them all out. Andrew feels like a superhero. Hee.

Patrick and Adria reassure Bonnie she has the heart of a hero and they believe in her. Jim is pretty upset but Shondo is giving him his pep talk. I like how Shondo wants to vote for Jim because Jim is the most into the story out of everyone. I like that he’s using that for criteria and I think that’s a good thing to consider. Jasmine, Lina, and Leticia discuss how they told Christian last time they weren’t voting for him again. Well, “if he didn’t do the best”. The girls really hope it doesn’t end up being a choice between Jim and Bonnie. Ugh, that would suck.

Bonnie wrote a song. It’s legit terrible but that’s totally Bonnie. And she can sing so that’s something. A couple of people interview about how they would really miss Bonnie. Crio comes over and gives Andrew the “mark” or badge or whatever it is that he gets for winning. Now it’s time for the Fates.

Today’s Fates’ challenge is to grind some rocks, and then balance a scale so the arms do not touch the ring they are currently sitting on. There are different colored rocks, and you have to use all three colors. The grinder is a big round stone with a handle. Christian says he puts his rock on the wrong side at first, but he is still pretty cocky about how this will not hurt him. Bonnie looks over and sees Jim has a lot of yellow powder, but his scale really hasn’t moved. So she starts on the red. Attagirl. She quickly gets it balanced but realizes she needs to have white on the scale too. It doesn’t take any time to grind a tiny bit of white and finish first. Yay! Everyone is really happy for her which is nice.

Bonnie makes a passionate argument that the person they keep has to be someone who will help the One True Hero. Shondo doesn’t want to vote for people that are in the bottom all the time, and he reminds everyone they talked about this last time. Patrick agrees. Bonnie does have to remember Christian helped Bonnie. “Helped”. Jasmine still is talking about Christian’s skill set that he hasn’t used to do anything yet. They seem to be arguing that some time in the future magically Christian will stop sucking and teach them all a bunch of stuff. Shondo almost gets loud as he argues that Jim is more into this story than any of the rest of them. You guys, Christian is so terrible at everything. Come on.

Jasmine and Shondo are the only people to vote for Jim, meaning the girls who were discussing how they weren’t voting for Christian went back on what they said. You guys are dumb. Jimbo Slice forever. He thanks the Fates and goes off to melt into smoke. Aww. Bye Jim. You should still be here.

Back at the castle Leticia whispers to Jasmine that Bonnie, Patrick, and Adria only voted for Christian because they think Christian helped Bonnie during the challenge, instead of pretending to clean off her lock while looking for his key. They discuss how they think Christian didn’t try. Why didn’t you say that before!? Patrick claims to have seen more weaknesses in Jim. Leticia admits Jasmine did the right thing, and she interviews that she only voted for Christian because once she saw he was going to win, she voted for him to avoid pissing everyone off. Lina says the same thing, which makes me sad. This show shouldn’t have that happen. There shouldn’t be strategy and “if you don’t vote with the group you will be the next out” and stuff. Boo.

Out in the courtyard some people wander around and work, even though it seems to be the middle of the night. Crio has apparently asked the paladins to sweep up or tie knots or chop wood. And everyone is. I love it. No one argues that they don’t need to do this stuff because it’s not relevant to the game. Suddenly a bell starts ringing and some weird alarm thing. Ansgar yells that they’re under attack and the paladins have to get ready right now!

Next time: learning to fight.