Previously on “Joe Schmo”: Ben returned to the competition, and the producers decided we could finally hear from Danielle. This whole time, Danielle has been a weird crunchy granola person who talks about gut health and how you're just a tube and all natural remedies. We've seen none of it and frankly the show would have been better with more nonsense from Danielle and fewer interviews with the producers about how everything has to go perfectly or the show is ruined. Anyway, Jessica “ruined” her hair with one of Danielle's all natural oils or something, and then we are led to believe that this would prompt Jessica to put forth effort and win a challenge so she could get rid of Danielle. Briefly Maya was up for elimination and frankly that would have been the smarter choice but this is the storyline, I guess. (click for more)
Jessica and Maya do some cheerleader moves, and when Ben shows up he almost smacks Jessica in the head. The producers are somewhere else talking about how they don't know what Ben will do! He has a huge decision coming up! There is discussion of how they don't know who Ben will “destroy”, which is dumb because if you're saying he is going to be given the option of who comes to the final two with him, it's gonna be Maya and everyone knows. There's no way he takes Jessica for an easy win. Come on. There will be a jury, and supposedly the jury is going to let him know Maya will beat him in a vote. Yeah he'll still bring her.
Louis shows up and tells the final three they are the “faces” of the show. They all will have to shoot a bunch of ads and promos. Ben interviews that he wants it to be him and Maya at the end. See I told you. Louis says every minute they're behind today is another network exec trying to crawl up his ass. Heh. For no reason, said promos involve green screen and therefore green bodysuits. That means a dance belt for Ben. It's basically a thong, which it's clear Ben has never worn. When he comes back out they blur his whole crotch. Maya falls off the couch laughing. He did say he wanted a sock for stuffing. Listen, the rest of Ben looks pretty good in a tight bodysuit so I'm assuming you can see plenty. It turns out this is actually multiple pairs of underwear, because his dick was too defined with just one dance belt. Hee.
In the next shot, where they're actually doing stuff, they don't blur him at all, and it's not that bad. The weird producer from the Losers' Loft is back. Ben struggles with the word “triumvirate”. They do stupid poses and pretend to be goats and other dumb bullshit. They keep cutting to the production room where everyone is laughing, and that's the kind of thing we could have cut to get more of Danielle's nonsense. Louis runs in and tells them Mr. Danish is here so get your shit together. Ben starts freaking out. Ben has to fake being a dragon, but the interpreter interrupts and says Mr. Danish thinks Ben is more of a tiger spirit. So of course he now has to fake being a tiger. This is very dumb. Louis says Mr. Danish is leaving so round of applause, and then he yells at the crew for not clapping.
The final three hang around talking about what they'll do with the money if they win. Ben says he'll pay off some student loans and part of his condo. He would just have less anxiety. Maya wants to start her own gaming company and like, inspire generations. Jessica would get a stand-alone marble bathtub. In addition to other things. Ben of course would rather not let Jessica not win. I mean I think we could have predicted that whole scene.
So we are having one more challenge. Ben hopes it's a mixture of everything. Jessica did win the last challenge so it's possible technically that she could win again. Out in the circle drive Cat is there with a big metal hoop. In here there is a commercial break, and they do make a commercial with the green screen footage, which is very stupid. I think they're trying to make memes by being random but it's not quite working. Anyway, the final challenge today is “The Torture of Vitruvius”. This story is about a spider tied to a windmill? These stories are all dumb. Each contestant will be strapped into the “gyroscope” and have to answer three questions. The winner gets an advantage in the final elimination ceremony. The other two will be up for elimination. But the winner is also the Holder of the Horns, which means they get to eliminate someone, and I don't see what other advantage you would get?
For a change, Ben is up first, and everyone else has to go back to the house. I wonder if I would get suspicious about how you never get to watch your competitors do the challenges. Almost all of them, everyone sat in the house and you came out one at a time. Ben is actually NOT supposed to win. Maya will be the winner. Ben is just yelling some random shit to hype himself up. He thinks he's been given random info as the Goatkeeper and it's finally going to come in handy. The “gyroscope” just spins in one direction, so Ben is just turning head over heels over and over again. Dumb. We have left in every yelled comment from Ben about how he needs this W. They stop it upside down, and ask Ben which element Elijah picked to select Ben as Goatkeeper. It was the monkey with the knives, which Ben called “shiv monkey” but officially it's a trickster monkey with a real name. Ben guesses “Ohleevays”, which is “olives”. Heh. Ben has no idea because these questions are about the dumbass stories Cat has been telling before each challenge. Ben actually gets the second question right, but he guesses “ohleevays” again for the third question. He doesn't even seem to be aware that he already guessed that, but in confessional he promises he knows what “olives” are.
Maya of course has been told her answers already. She just hopes the spinning doesn't make her forget everything. Ben hangs around to watch. Maya manages to screw up the second question. Now she's tied with Ben, but they could have avoided this by sending Ben back to the house and just telling him she got them all right. Luckily for them, Maya gets the last question right so she's winning. Cat interviews that Jessica might have something up her sleeve, which is dumb because you know she doesn't. She is starting to panic, and then Jessica says she has a token. There is some “dramatic” music while Jessica tries to get something out of her pocket around the straps and the harness, and then it's a bagel. OK that was pretty good. Cat yells to test it, and Louis bites it in annoyance. But Jessica doesn't want to do the challenge so she quits. We quickly declare Maya the winner. Then Cat reveals the jury and how they're going to pick the winner, and Ben starts to look a little worried. He's pretty sure Maya will take him to the final two, but he's been surprised before.
In the house everyone sits around and Jessica says she hopes the jury doesn't know the things they said about them. Ben points out that Jessica said plenty while everyone was still there. Jessica has been disqualified in four challenges, and she says that's not that bad. It would be better for gameplay if Maya took Jessica along, because how would Jessica win in that situation? Louis interviews about how great this show is and like, it's very dramatic but we are talking about a reality show on basic cable. This its not an extraordinary experience. Thousands of people are on reality television.
The jury is back, still without Barbara and Jonathan Lipnicki. Cat does say Jonathan has booked a commercial. They will vote tomorrow at The Reckoning. But there is one more token left. Does anyone want to play it? Jessica says yes, and everyone gasps and stuff, and then she says she doesn't actually have one. But she'd love one. Sigh. Jessica and Ben are in the Clamps. Since it's the last sacrifice, Maya gets to ask the “Slaughtered Herd” (aka the jury) questions. Or one question? Anyway, point at whichever person you pick with the Horn of Truth and that person has to answer truthfully on behalf of the whole group. Maya points at Braxton and asks “Whose urn should I smash in order to win The Goat?” Braxton gets to consult with the group first, and then he says if Maya smashes Ben's urn, she will win. It's unanimous. Oof.
Ben and Jessica still get to plead their cases. Jessica doesn't want to count this against her time, but she will be suing whoever painted her urn. Anyway, Jessica promises Maya she can join “[her] force”, whatever that means, and that she's been selfless, because when it was Maya's birthday the producers offered to also celebrate Jessica since her half-birthday is in two months, but Jessica told them no, let Maya have her day. So Jessica wants her own day. Ben has zero stress, Maya has a beautiful soul and if it is stressing her at all please smash his urn and no hard feelings. She deserves to win. Everyone is touched. Maya says she wants to win so badly because it will change her whole life. Ben has been such an amazing friend...and she knows in her heart she can't smash his urn. So she gets rid of Jessica. I wondered if they'd let her eliminate him again. Jessica tries to leave before they take her out of the clamps. Maya says she really cares about Ben and she's glad she got to do it. She can't wait to tell him everything but she's also scared.
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