"The Joe Schmo Show" 2025 -- episode 8 "A Hairy Predicament"

 

Previously on “Joe Schmo”: the producers decided that eliminating Ben and having him come back via “Redemption Island”/”Last Chance Kitchen” rules would be a good move. And it was, in general, except for the part where it sounded like this was one plot point they had from the start. They rewrote a lot of the show, but this part was always in there. And then they acted like they had to scramble last minute to build “Losers' Loft” and bring back all the actors and get them back into character, when they knew this was coming. Also last week I said Barbara wasn't there (the woman who was eliminated immediately after the first challenge) and that if it was me, I'd be suspicious. Then I just now realized, Jonathan Lipnicki wasn't there either and no one said anything. Anyway, of course Ben returned, and then Braxton and Chastity were eliminated so that Ben could be in the Final Four with Maya, Danielle, and Jessica. (click for more)

There's some dumb slo-mo of Ben hugging Elijah and saying how much he missed him. The fake producer tells him to give Elijah the scoop. Heh. He didn't think it would happen this way. He didn't think Jessica would still be here, so it will be interesting. Once again, no one mentions Danielle, who gets no screen time and has no personality. Ben is ready to win. All the producers sit in a tent and discuss whatever twist they have coming. I guess Maya is going to be in danger. He doesn't think Jessica is a threat, so when she wins the challenge Ben should freak out. We'll see.

Jessica tells Ben she is seriously, like, tunnel vision, even though she hasn't done 95% of the challenges. Jessica the character is very self-involved, and Ben is still trying to get something out of her. Maybe he just thinks she's amusing. Jessica thinks she's that person on every reality show who you look at and think “wait why are YOU still here?” No that's Danielle. Jessica at least had one episode of back-stabbing so you could figure maybe she's double crossing everyone. Danielle has done and said nothing. Jessica brags to Ben that she keeps getting disqualified in challenges but she's still here so IDK. Cat reveals that Jessica's motivation to actually win today is supposed to come from Danielle. Oh, so Danielle will finally get to speak and have a personality? Well good. We are reminded of all the times Jessica was obsessed with her hair.

Danielle walks out of the room, then she comes back and asks if she can give them gifts. As you know, gut health is important. Danielle interviews that her character is very into holistic medicine. We see a flashback of her talking to everyone lying on the floor, about how your body is a tube from your mouth to your anus, and sometimes you put things in the tube that you want to stay in the tube. This is not a flashback, I don't remember this scene at all. Why couldn't we have this earlier so that this character is established? Maybe fewer scenes of the producers panicking because they are shit planners? “Sometimes you like to put things in the bottom of your tube, because it feels good.” This is at least as funny as “Comin' on Jesus” and we were robbed. There is more talk of anuses and vaginas. And how your poop should look.

In addition to whatever products, Danielle has T-shirts that say “Gut-Hol Guru” that she says they can make into crop tops. Ben is excited for a crop top and a tight T-shirt. OK I will give some credit to whoever designed these shirts so that the G of “Gut-Hol” has some flourishes so it could be a B on a quick glance. Ben explains for the slow people that “Gut-Hol” sounds like “butthole”. In a reveal in confessional, Danielle says she actually does practice alternative medicine in real life. Somehow this will also keep Ben from feeling tricked. Sure.

In the pile of products is hair oil, and we are to believe a woman who refused to do some challenges so her hair wouldn't get wet, would immediately trust hair oil from the weirdo crunchy granola lady. She immediately leaves the room and goes to hair and makeup so they can “mess up” her hair. Danielle signs the back of Ben's shirt for him, with like a paragraph. Jessica returns with wet hair and asks if it's supposed to be so oily. Apparently she is supposed to use one drop with water, not the whole bottle. Jessica insists Danielle didn't say anything about that (which she didn't), and Danielle says “it may not do what you want”. Ben is enjoying all of this. Jessica starts freaking out, because I guess she thinks there will be someone on crew she can talk to. Danielle says “You want a small amount of trauma to the hair shaft, but too much trauma can make it fall out.” See from what we've seen of Jessica, dumping a whole bottle of random product on her hair is not a thing she would do. “Well, not that it would fall out.” Ben is dying laughing and Jessica is running around. Maya yells to just take a shower, which is excellent advice.

Jessica and Danielle go back to hair to put some cream and flatiron random sections so it looks like shit. They go to the challenge, and then Jessica is not there, and the producers start radioing for her. Come on. They would never film an entrance by contestants unless all the contestants were there, or unless they knew for sure one was not coming at all. All this radioing of people would have happened back in the house. Anyway, Ben is convinced she'll get disqualified again for the fourth time and go home. One of the producers says Jessica is with her and she's coming down, and Louis is like “now or she doesn't get to do the challenge”. Sure. Ben tells Cat Jessica is having a hair problem and Cat is giggling about how dumb this is. Ben claims Jessica threatened to sue. She would, actually, I believe that.

Anyway, Jessica returns and Ben can't stop laughing. Listen, her hair does look bad, but it looks no worse than the “before” shot of an anti-frizz product. It could be worse. Ben I think has no concept of if her hair is actually that bad but instead is laughing because Jessica has been crying and she looks like someone died. This challenge is The Milk of Amalthea. Traverse an “enchanted labyrinth” “Just like the much-loved Greek god Pan, who went on to lend her name to the much loved cooking implement we all use today.” You guys aren't even trying. Anyway, get to the fountain in the middle of the hedge maze and bring back “the life giving milk” in some horns and I guess fill the jar that is sitting there (to the black tape line, of course). Cat turns to Louis and asks him to explain in plain English, because she doesn't know what's going on. Heh. So the horns you are collecting water in are on a helmet on your head, so there is a balancing aspect. This is some Nickelodeon shit. This is a Double Dare challenge but cleaner. Rather than a vote, the bottom two finishers will automatically be up for elimination. Ben thinks he can easily beat Jessica and Danielle.

We're doing this one at a time. They put the helmet on Jessica, and Louis whispers to her “Time to kick some real ass” as if this was real and he was encouraging her. It was cute. Ben has to come in second, because they need Jessica to win and Danielle and Maya to be in the bottom. So this time they make everyone run the challenge. The issue is, the way the horns are mounted on the helmet, they curve forwards. So when Jessica ducks her head to “fill” them, there's no water there because all the water fell on the back of the horn. Also when going to pour it out, she's like, sideways but not over the vase, so even if she had water in there, it would just pour out onto the table. Jessica does one run and then stops.

Turns out part of the plan is to have moving walls. Somehow they think they can move them without Ben knowing, so he gets more lost. Maya laughs about the moving walls. Danielle fucks around but she does fill the horns on the helmet. Somehow this is harder than Ben winning or losing, except for the part where they can just lie about how long it took everyone. They encourage Ben, who is actually doing a good job, but he still needs two trips. The producers move a wall and Ben immediately yells “What the FUCK”. He's quickly lost, and saying how he doesn't know how he got lost. They must have flipped a wall. He also almost takes out a cameraman which is funny. They keep moving the wall while he's not looking and then opening it.

Once Ben's done he asks Maya how many trips it took her. She says she doesn't even remember. OK so maybe they know he's going to actually ask relevant questions and they'll need some kind of sense of how they did. Ben tries to ask Jessica the same thing, but she refuses to say anything. Ben thinks there's no way he and Maya are bottom two. When the times are revealed, Danielle did not finish, and Ben beat Maya by like ten seconds. But then Jessica won by like 30 seconds. She's still pissed, but Ben is freaking out. Danielle knows Ben and Maya are close, so she could choose to break up that duo.

After the challenge, Ben does cannonballs in the pool and Jessica goes over to talk to him. Or at least to sit near the pool so he can talk to her and find out who she's sending home. I still don't think her hair looks that bad. She is furious about her hair, but she can't be a total bitch all the time. Jessica asks where Danielle is, and then decides she must be inside somewhere getting a potion to put up her butt. Heh. Then she straight up tells Ben it would be it would be best to send Maya home and break up their alliance. Ben's face falls, but he does understand that's the best gameplay. The producers go call them to get dressed so Ben can have some time to freak out.

Everyone has to come back in the house and do arts and crafts. You have to make some “grand display” in the next 30 minutes. While everyone is doing shitty arts and crafts, Ben tries to piss Jessica off so she'll be furious at Danielle and get rid of her instead of Maya. He keeps laughing at her reaction. Jessica goes on a rant about how terrible the hair oil was. She just rambles for a long time as Ben laughs and Danielle is all “you'll just grow new hair”. Ben dies and says they can just shave her head like Britney Spears. That's pretty good. The arts and crafts displays are all appropriately shitty. Ben did a poster with like, some clay horns, and Maya made a trophy. Danielle made a goat head-shaped shield, but it does kind of look like a vagina. Jessica did a shitty drawing with colored pom poms. She literally says she'd have done a better job if her hair hadn't been “compromised”. Louis goes to collect Jessica for hair and makeup.

Ben knows Jessica is not to be trusted, but he trusts Maya 100%. And everyone knows that. Maya interviews that in any other game show, she'd love to be in an alliance with Ben. True, in real life this would be a great team. When they blow the fake horns to start the ceremony, Ben tells both Maya and Danielle it's been a pleasure. As they put the robes on, Jessica comes around the corner. She's wearing a really cheap blond wig that is straight, but also poofy, if that makes sense. Are they playing it like her hair is bleached from the oil now? Or that she refused to go out without a wig? Ben is dying, and when Danielle sees her, she does that thing where you just hit your friend and stare at the other person. Ben thinks its a wig, so I guess we're going that way.

Because they already smashed Ben's vase, they have a blank one that someone just wrote “Ben” on with a Sharpie. Jessica still has smudged mascara, which seems silly. She says her rage propelled her through the challenge. But she's not a quitter. She struggles with the Horns because I guess the Velcro sticks to the wig. Ben says he's really sweating because Maya could go home. Maya says she loves this game and this is a dream come true. She “played with respect and integrity” and it's “divine and ironic” that Jessica has the power to send someone home who ruined her day and fucked up her hair. Danielle thought she came here to win but maybe she came here for “something better”. She claims that all her products are tested, “...soon”. And they all have labels that say like, “don't do this unless you're gonna be OK with, you know, being chill about it”. Jessica tells Maya she's never talked to someone with pink hair before, and now she has, so...that's cool. Maya is cool and says a lot of things. Danielle will be hearing from Jessica's lawyer. Please do not resist. “I'll see your curly ass in court”. Then Jessica turns the hammer sideways and very slowly pushes Danielle's vase off the pedestal. Bye Danielle. You've been a little bit bonkers. It's garbage editing that we never saw any of Danielle's bonkers until today. We could have been enjoying all her bullshit this whole time instead of listening to the producers. No one cares about the producers.