"Joe Schmo 2"--episode 9

Previously on “The Joe Schmo Show”: Tim was eliminated, but saved at the last minute by Derek and a “rules violation”. The rules violation turned out to be Bryce killing Montecore the falcon. Supposedly he snuck out of the house and did it in retaliation for his frog. Security cameras and everything. Bryce reacted in a crazy manner of course. So once Tim was back, then we had a silly game and TJ's fake bout of diarrhea. Then we discovered TJ stole Gerald's aquasocks, which was news to viewers because they had NEVER MENTIONED it. I mean if you want us to care that Gerald hasn't showered in four days, maybe mention that fact. So to make amends TJ offered to let Gerald pick a competition, and Gerald picked a danceoff. Loser quits the show. Gerald won, but when the elimination ceremony came around, TJ refused to quit and Derek refused to make him quit, so Gerald was eliminated. Also Cammy. Just before the episode ended, Derek announced that Piper and Austin have been deciding if they want to get back together with each other. (click for more)

The producer says this show is both a parody and a practical joke. Derek starts narrating a recap of the show, complete with Tim and Ingrid making comments. And Amanda. This year everything is more outlandish. Like a “Pearl Necklace Eviction Ceremony.” Derek especially liked the one where Austin gave necklaces for the guys. Now a montage of Ingrid being too smart for this show and everyone losing their minds. So they invited Ingrid to join the cast. She actually has done a really good job. Amanda joined so they could have two schmoes. Now they're glad they have two gullible people again. Also Bryce was not right in the head. But we all remember that. The banners, the trying to hypnotize Piper, the returning and killing the falcon. We also remember Eleanor being very emotional but also telling Austin to shove his necklace up his ass. That was a great scene. Ingrid's grandfather “died” and Austin thought she lied, but then she didn't. Also eliminating Tim on his own show, which was a great twist.

To remind everyone where we left off: Austin and Piper are not only choosing between the two suitors left to each of them, but they are deciding if they should get back together with each other.

Morning production meeting. It's almost the end. Yesterday was great, so keep it up.

Tim and TJ are out on the patio getting lunch. One of the coolers is labeled with tape: “Tim's Beer.” Heh. Amanda comes out then and says she was packing. I guess everyone is packing up. Tim says collectively they have to figure out what's wrong with Austin, so that Piper will have no illusions. Tim's holding a grudge from Austin eliminating him. Ingrid, Piper, and Austin show up also. Tim says Austin is pompous and he's not scared. He asks Austin straight up why Piper should choose him. Austin is all, well that's her decision. Whatever. Amanda interviews that they were together for four years, so Piper was always her competition. Derek arrives to make a Paris Hilton reference and tell everyone they're going to each get one-on-one time today. Ingrid then busts out a copy of her resume to give Austin. What. So ridiculous.

Alone time. Amanda says she can't say anything bad about any of the other girls. She says in confessional you can fall in love in a very short time. She tells Austin he's fun, but she doesn't want to influence his decision. Austin basically begs her to be honest and are you here for just a good time? Or for me? Not that it's bad if you have a good time. Amanda says she protects herself, which is why it seems like sometimes she's just having fun. She is interested in him. Do you want me to choose you? Amanda says she wants him to choose her. Tim interviews that he hopes Austin doesn't choose Amanda, because Austin is a pompous prick and she can do better. Aww.

Tim's alone time. Tim still wants to get to know Piper. She admits she made a mistake in bringing Bryce back (Tim quickly agrees, ha). Then he says yesterday, at points, he wondered if everyone was in on something he didn't know about. So close. Is this really happening in my life? This has to be a joke. Piper says he's been honest and he's here for the right reason. But we don't hear her answer his question. He does tell her he wants Piper to pick him. I'd like to point out that both Piper and Austin asked the schmoes if they were really there for the “right” reasons, which you'll see is an important question later that they shouldn't have known to ask now. If you see what I'm saying.

The final four gather in the foyer with Derek. He says only two people will move on from here. Austin and Piper have decided who those two will be. Each person will get into a limo, and if Austin or Piper are in the limo, then you're moving on. If not, then you lose. Also Derek reminds them of the $100,000 prize for the winners. Outside are Hummer limos, which are just stupidly huge cars. Amanda and Tim are first, of course. Amanda finds an empty limo, as does Tim. They look pretty bummed. Tim says he's bent out of shape, but he's quickly found a beer and says it was the time of his life. But he might cry. Amanda also says it was an awesome time, and I think she's tearing up. Tim says getting kicked off the first time makes this easier, and then a screen or something falls and there's Piper, crammed in the back of the limo. Hee. She climbs over the seat and Tim tells the camera guys they're going to give him a fucking heart attack. Also Piper has to pee like a racehorse. Hee. Amanda is in the middle of saying she questions Austin's sincerity when the window behind the driver rolls down and there's Austin. Amanda says it took this, but she's finally shocked. Both Tim and Amanda are thrilled. Tim tells the camera he didn't think they'd be so masochistic, to mess with him like that, and the shot freezes on Piper's amazing cringing face.

TJ and Ingrid are done and get hugs from Derek. Ingrid is thrilled to have this be over. Derek says this is their new scene: they're thrilled they didn't get picked, because they're totally into each other. TJ grinds on Ingrid while she laughs.

Everyone is back at the house, so Amanda and Tim can be happy for each other. Derek is waiting outside. Remember how you met the parents? Now Austin and Piper can meet YOUR families. Great, more people to fool and act in front of. However Tim and Amanda won't be there. Tim promises Piper his family is super laid back and don't worry about anything. Once Austin and Piper leave, Derek tells them why they won't be there. They're going to put on disguises and pretend to be their own cousins so they can spy on Austin and Piper. This is so stupid and so brilliant at the same time.

It's fat suit time! Prosthetics and a fake goatee for Tim. Amanda says she became fat Monica from “Friends”. It is the cheapest fat suit, like all sewn cloth and stuffing and it can't feel like an actual fat person. Once Tim is all suited up he decides cousin Tom is a stoner from California who surfs all the time. He does look like a beach bum. He also goes over to push on Amanda's fake boobs and tells the makeup people there is no way those will pass for real. They are in the wrong place and are too big.

Tim goes to meet up with his brother and best friend. They don't immediately recognize him, but he starts talking and they start laughing. His brother labels him “Owen Wilson stunt double”. Tim thinks Piper will figure it out. He tells the guys about Bryce and all his nonsense. Tim tells them it's been the craziest and best two weeks of his life. Piper comes out and meets everyone. She knows it's Tim. So Tim is in disguise, trying to fool Piper, who knows it's Tim, but has to pretend she doesn't know it's Tim because she's been fooling Tim for two weeks. Too many layers. Tim sounds like himself, I think, but he also sounds a stoner. Piper actually says he sounds stoned. She asks a bunch of questions, like Tim said he used to date a stripper? Hee. I guess they all buy that Piper was fooled.

Amanda comes to meet her mom and friend and I think they don't have any idea who she is at first. She's decided a lisp would disguise her voice enough. Hee. Amanda's friend is her roommate and Austin immediately questions her about being a party girl and why doesn't she have a boyfriend and whatever. Austin says he's here for love, and if he asked Amanda to marry him how long would it take for her to make a decision? Mom is drinking and everyone else is bug-eyed. Austin is finally feeling a little guilty that maybe Amanda is falling for him. Everyone liked Austin, even though he's a model. Mom can't wait to watch the show. Oops.

The families are outside for badminton. I don't know. Austin is introducing himself with his full name, so Tim's brother immediately labels him a pompous ass. Derek says “Strict South Kensington rules!” Hee. We had a badminton unit in gym and I only liked it because there was less running than in tennis. You'd think playing video games would give me better hand-eye coordination but no. Amanda falls on her ass and when Austin helps her up, her face prosthetic is peeling off. Oops. So she takes off her wig and reveals herself. Piper stares at Tim until he reveals himself too. Austin is like, it doesn't even look like her and Amanda says THANK YOU with relief.

Falcon Twist time! Austin and Piper are here too. Derek comes out to remind everyone of their options. Apparently Tim and Amanda are free to refuse Austin and Piper if they were to be chosen. Then he makes everyone fake like the bird is there and then some poor PA runs out with a stuffed hawk. The worst, shittiest, stuffed bird that should be on Bad Taxidermy. They wire the bird onto his arm because they need to be looking at his arm. No one can stop laughing. Tim hopes it's not really Montecore. The final Falcon Twist is to reveal to Austin and Piper that if Tim or Amanda wins, they win $100,000, and the two of them have known about it this whole time. Piper and Austin don't look very thrilled. Amanda promises they weren't allowed to tell about the money. Tim is glad the bird told them.

Tim goes to meet Piper by the hot tub, and Amanda meets Austin in this weird nook with cushions and whatever. Tim promises he doesn't care about the money and Piper will see when she watches the show. Amanda promises Austin she would pick him over the money. She feels like maybe she should care about the money more, but at the same time she doesn't want to hurt his feelings. Tim says something about the game, and Piper jumps on that, but Tim says everyone's been talking about a game and he would give the money to charity. He came out there to have fun, and he likes Piper, that was a great bonus. This has been the time of his life and thank you for being a part of it. Piper tells him he's awesome. See, this brief meeting to make Tim and Amanda reassure everyone they're not in it for the money. The questioning about “I just hope you're hear for the right reasons” that happened yesterday makes sense IF you know there is money involved. Which supposedly Piper and Austin did NOT know.

Production meeting. It's the end. Everyone's back, everyone's looking forward to it being over, but no one wants to screw it up. Hopefully Tim and Amanda will be excited. If not, try to duck when the punch comes. Tim wonders what the final twist was. Tim has been on a roller coaster, and I think they're very worried he's in love with Piper. They don't seem as worried about Amanda.

After dark, Piper and Austin walk down some steps to the lawn. Austin has a tuxedo on, and Piper is wearing a terrible lavender bridesmaid gown. It's all pastels and a matching scarf that is wrapped around her neck and the ends are tucked into the gown. And a boutonniere. All the girls will have this dress on. Derek is waiting under an archway with flowers. All the eliminated contestants file down the stairs, and Amanda's staring at Rita, and then her mouth drops open and she says “I know Rita! I know her!” She's a comedienne. Everyone loses it. Oh come on. She's not saying “I know that woman, she's a comic but her name's not Rita.” Comediennes can be on reality shows. Everyone is freaking out but I don't think there was any danger here at all.

Derek makes a speech about money and new relationships and whatever. Austin and Piper have choices to make. Austin says to Amanda that she's taught him a lot about himself and what he's looking for in a woman. But, he had four wonderful years with Piper and she's always been there for him. But, he's looking forward to building those times with Amanda. But, Piper's been there for him and he wants her to be part of his future. But (omg) he looks forward to building the future with Amanda. But (Tim is rolling his eyes) Piper is his future and he looks forward to it. Derek has to ask him who he's choosing. He's chosen Piper. Jeez. Piper tells Austin that this experience has brought up feelings she thought were dead. But, Tim makes her tingle. Hee. But, Austin and she have a long history that she's proud of. But, Tim's honesty is a “beacon of light”. Tim is her lighthouse, showing her the way and clearing her vision to show her she belongs...with Austin. Weak. Piper whispers to Tim that she's sorry, and Tim whispers back “No hard feelings. Smiles.”

Derek says it's not over yet, because he has a proposition for them: you're obviously in love so why not get married right now? If you do we'll give you $100,000 each. Tim looks annoyed that his money is going to Austin. Derek says “the parents” are here, so the one set of parents can come down the stairs. Piper and Austin agree to get married right now, of course, because money. No one notices there's only one set of parents.

Tim's fighting tears. Amanda looks sad but not as sad as Tim. Derek gives the vows and they say “I do”'s, and then when Derek gets to the “speak now or forever hold your peace” part, fucking Bryce shows up. Ha! So great. Piper says “Holy shit!” Tim begs for someone to let him punch Bryce. Bryce says he can't believe she's marrying Austin because they don't even love each other. Their love isn't real and Austin isn't real. He's fake, he's an actor pretending to be in love with her. Just like Piper is an actress pretending to be in love with him and Bryce himself is an actor pretending to be in love with her. Everyone just stares at Bryce. He says they're all actors! Derek says hold on, if there are any actors here, raise your hands now. Bryce raises his hand and stares at everyone with crazy eyes, and Tim snorts. He is laughing in Bryce's face, and he turns to where Bryce is at the end of the aisle and says “Hell of a job, pal!” And then he turns to look across from him where everyone's hands are slowly being raised. The look on his face when he realizes crazy Bryce is actually right is one of the greatest things ever. Just glorious. Just, horror and shock. Amanda has a weird look on her face like she's maybe upset but is also going to go along with it and not make a scene. Tim says “You...!” like “you gotta be kidding me” and Amanda bursts out laughing. Then Tim says “Jackpot” which is like his personal phrase, I guess. There's a shot of the production room where everyone laughs and people clap. I see you, overly dramatic Asian woman who always overreacts to everything. I don't know that you're all out of the woods just because Tim said jackpot.

Derek removes his fake teeth (Tim: “Really!!”) and says in his normal voice there's something we've been meaning to tell you (“Really.”). Tim was five seconds away from the most embarrassing moment of his life. I guess kicking Bryce's ass. As Derek explains about how the only real thing here is Tim and Amanda, Tim bursts out “I knew you were a fucking fake! You rat bastard!” Hee! Also cool it, Overly Dramatic Asian Woman. Tim is mad, I think. Amanda doesn't know what to think, but I'm pretty sure Tim is not happy right now. Derek says they searched for two people--”Who were so gullible!” “The most moronic!” Aww. Derek promises that wasn't it, they found two real people who they loved to watch. He also explains the parent thing, and both Tim and Amanda say they wondered why only one set of parents showed up just now. Also they won all the vacations. AND remember Ernie adopted children for everyone? That was real too. Oh and the $100,000 was real too.

One last Falcon Twist. This will be a surprise. Tim says “I'm gay.” Gerald's response is “I'm not!” Hee. Someone here started off as a contestant just like you. Amanda guesses it's Ingrid. Ingrid questioned everything and made everyone's lives a living hell. But she made it to the end so she gets her money too!

Time to meet the actors and be shocked at everything. Tim can't believe the show is about him. Amanda feels like an idiot. They visit the control room and everyone claps and they thank everyone for a fun time. Tim feels a little betrayed. He hopes these people are really like that, because these characters touched his life. TJ swears he's not a player. Tim doesn't feel like a schmo, this is the best thing that's ever happened to him! Tim is going to give the money away to charity and to his nieces and nephews. Amanda says the same (although she says now she has to say because she'll look like a bitch after Tim). Piper says it's been hard to pull it off and Tim is like yeah, I'm crying right now. Well, it has been. Tim says “Good luck with your career.” Burn. She says hopefully he won't hate her forever. Montage time! Clips of everyone talking about Tim and Amanda and how lovely they are. It's very sweet.

After the montage Piper says she has something to say, and she's already crying. Tim promises her he gets mad for like 20 minutes and it's fine. She says you sign on as an actor and she feels terrible if she hurt Tim in any way. Aww. Tim wants to make a toast, to thank everyone for the best birthday of his life and such a great time. And he would still be friends with them. And he hopes that Piper is really like that because shes' a great person. Aww. Amanda I think is calmer because she wasn't there as long. Ernie got Tim T-shirts for his pub that he wants to open. So cute. Tim interviews that he'd do this again in a heartbeat.

Spike TV did try to do this again, with a third season, but it's hard to find so I'm not sure I can recap it. But! I hope you had fun with me revisiting the ridiculousness! I'll be back tomorrow for “Project Runway”!