"Joe Schmo 2"--episode 7

Previously on “The Joe Schmo Show”: Ingrid was allowed to return to the show, since Austin is an idiot and was speaking to the wrong grandfather. Derek revealed that Piper and Austin were a couple once. They dated for four years and broke up six months ago. Tim and Amanda won alone time by hitting on RealDolls (don't ask) and when Eleanor was upset about this, because she's not had any alone time yet, Austin tried to comfort her by bringing out the coupon book she gave him. Except for the part where he used one of the coupons with Cammy. Dumbass. On Tim and Amanda's alone time, Austin and Piper fought and then were talked into staying on the show. Everett the frog died, probably killed by the falcon. Tim was annoyed that everyone was so upset about it. At the Pearl Necklace Elimination ceremony, Eleanor realized Austin is a douche and told him to shove his locket up his ass and she quit. (click for more)

Morning production meeting. Tim and Amanda are really into it. Maybe too into it, because they don't want those two to get their feelings hurt. Spread the wealth today so they don't get too into you.

At lunch Cammy says she's going commando under her skirt. TJ says he heard a rumor there might be a videotape out there about somebody. Cammy almost rolls her eyes and asks what he heard, and TJ says something about beans. Tim is like “beads?” and Ingrid rolls with it and asks “anal beads?” Heh. Cammy is pissed, but admits it, and asks who told him. TJ won't snitch. Then another plane flies overhead. Tim is incredulous but Amanda is super excited. I would be too if I hadn't actually had to deal with Bryce's psycho stalker self, but was highly enjoying the insanity of the plane banners. Today's banner says “look behind u”. OK that's terrifying. That's where the serial killer jumps out and stabs you in the face. They all look around and Bryce comes around the corner with a creepy grin. Tim says “Touche” and is seriously mad. Derek appears and says that since Austin asked for Ingrid to come back to the show, they thought it would be fair to make the same offer to Piper. And Piper was touched by his creepy banners so she asked if Bryce could come back. Ugh. Also one of the men will be eliminated tonight.

Austin and Piper come out and Piper is happy to see Bryce. Tim swallows his bile and acts nice so Piper doesn't hate him. But as he and TJ sneak off by the bar, Tim makes TJ promise if one of them gets voted off, they will send a bigger plane over with a longer banner. Hee. TJ says, “Don't tell him about the frog”, like, duh. Tim doesn't want to be anywhere near Bryce when he finds out.

Stupid game time! Everyone is outside, under balconies. Everyone has to profess their love, winner gets a date. Piper and Austin are dressed in dumb Romeo and Juliet outfits. Gerald sings a song called “Blonde Buddies” which is about what you would expect out of this show. Everyone giggles. Tim reads a poem which is...cute? I guess? Just...rhyming poems. It was nice. TJ dances and sings a sexual rap. Amanda had wondered if there was more to TJ but maybe not. Amanda has a cheer. Sure? But she can't even remember it and Tim had to prompt her. Bryce says this is how “early man” would express his love. Then he just yells wordlessly for like a minute and climbs the wall to get up to the balcony. Tim hopes someday someone will see what he sees about Bryce. Ingrid paints a portrait with her toes while reciting the preamble to the Constitution. Hilarious. Cammy makes balloon animals. Purely so she can pump and mess with phallic balloons. So she makes Everett, because Cammy, and they have a little montage of the frog and the “2001-2004”. TJ and Cammy win. Derek hopes no one ends up dead like in “Romeo and Juliet”. Another shot of the frog.

At the dinner table Amanda does an impression of Derek, which is basically a bad British accent and nonsense. Cammy flirts with Gerald and says it's TJ! Ha! Gerald mocks Bryce, and when Bryce gets pissed he puts a stereotypical gay accent up and mocks Gerald which works really well. There is a brief sidebar conversation about Cammy's boobs and has she killed a bug with them. Tim tries to guess Ingrid and Cammy's bra sizes but fails. TJ succeeds, and I can't tell if he is good at that or if he already knew. Derek appears and says TJ asked for some dessert: “Porked and Beans”. Cammy no longer cares if anyone sees it. It's only fair. OK the movie is different now because there's a plumber? Who knows. Anyway the movie is still the worst movie. Tim doesn't understand who has a pork and beans fetish. He doesn't blame Cammy for making it, he just can't wrap his head around the idea that someone wanted that video to exist. There's a big bang, and Cammy cries, and Ingrid apologizes because she stepped on the balloon Everett. Terrible.

After dinner, I guess, everyone is in the other room on the couches, with a monitor on the table. Derek goes to tell them it's time for TJ and Cammy to have their dates. However, everyone else is watching through a secret camera and will have a microphone to give instructions. Secret instructions, of course, because Austin and Piper don't know about it and shouldn't know about it. Derek says the good news is that for once, the voices in your head will be real. Immediately Tim looks at Bryce. TJ is mad and Amanda thinks he's disappointed. Tim pulls TJ aside and says his advice is, her dad will be watching this and that's what's on her brain. Maybe bring it down a notch or two.

Amanda says Tim kept insisting they be nice to TJ but no one is going to be mean to TJ. While Amanda is trying to be helpful and saying things like TJ should find out more about Piper's mind, ask about her, Bryce would take the mike and tell TJ he was in her personal space and back off, take his hands off her, whatever. Amanda tells Bryce he's not allowed to use the mike. Tim takes the mike and says “TJ it's Tim” and TJ responds “'Sup Tim” which is hilarious. Cammy is completely ridiculous and says “tell her how much you like yellow and her hair reminds you of Rainbow Brite.” “Remember when you were little and you would use running water to try and pee? It looks like you're by water, talk about that”. Hee. Tim is annoyed that they're ruining TJ's date. “Tell her her roots remind you of a classy porn star!” It's funny but Tim is pretty mad. When TJ comes back he's also pissed off because they're ruining it for him or whatever.

Time for Cammy's date. Tim tries to coach Cammy to ask about Austin and get to know him. Gerald says to ask if he has a cowboy hat or boots to go with his urban cowboy look. Also tell him it fits in all the right places! No one is standing up for Cammy, but she has had the most alone time out of everyone. Seriously Gerald is telling her the most ridiculous nonsense. TJ and Bryce fight over the mike, because TJ wants her to talk about how hot TJ is. Cammy is either drunk or supposed to be a moron because she keeps talking back to the people talking to her. Gerald wants her to ask if he really shoved Eleanor's necklace up his ass. So good. Ingrid tells her to ask if Austin would rather have a hot body or a bright mind. Austin's response is that she has the brightest mind here and a body to match. Ingrid rolls her eyes heavily (as do I) and Amanda takes the mike to tell Cammy to say “You say the sweetest things.” Then she doesn't turn the mike off, because Ingrid mutters “Too bad you're full of shit” and Cammy repeats it. Ha!

After everyone comes back from their dates and they're all sitting around, Gerald brings up Everett. TJ tries to stop him, but Tim says “Jenga. It's gotta be done”. This is the Jenga piece that knocks everything down. Gerald just goes “Bryce, Everett's dead.” TJ is already annoyed about it, and Tim lets it slip it was the falcon. They try to tell him the whole story but everyone is interrupting everyone else and so now Bryce thinks Cammy killed the frog by feeding it donuts. As he yells at everyone TJ is angrier and angrier, randomly because no one is yelling at TJ specifically. Gerald reassures Bryce it's not Cammy's fault, and TJ interrupts to taunt him about how the falcon ate his frog. Ingrid tries to get him to shut up, or at least be nicer about it, but TJ is all “Naw birds eat frogs I don't care!” Bryce jumps up and starts yelling about how HE cares because “it wasn't a frog! It was a human fucking being!” Ooookay. Bryce has now lost it and TJ is not helping. Bryce all of a sudden is asking people to get TJ off him (...sure) because he's dealing with a death in the family and TJ is all over him. I guess, but no one is worried about TJ right now, is what I'm saying. Tim is standing between them as they both make “Come at me bro!!!” posturing gestures. Cammy thought they might really fight but she saw TJ almost laughing at one point. Then Tim suddenly gives up and says “Two guys gotta fight” and he goes back to the couches to sit down. Gerald sends Bryce to his room, so he stomps up the stairs and slams the door. In his room, Bryce takes a breather. Tim hollers up the stairs, and Bryce comes back down to listen to Tim's explanation. Gerald tries to say it's the cycle of life, but Bryce is like, no because Everett wasn't where he was supposed to be. But I guess I have to take that up with the producers or the falcon or something. That's who's to blame.

Another courtside interview by Gerald, interviewing TJ and Bryce. Tim can't believe he fell into the “drama trap”. TJ and Gerald talk in confessional about how supposedly TJ and Bryce have gone to the room they share with Gerald, and they just had a giant fight, but right this moment the actors have broken character and are dicking around being weird. Oh and then Tim appears. Oops. Now they are all worried, because how could they be so nice to each other suddenly? TJ quickly says they made up and talked it out. The guys thought Tim saw them out of character and it was ruined. But he bought TJ's explanation.

Elimination ceremony. Derek appears with the falcon, I'm sure so Bryce can stare at it and we can have TEN MILLION SMASH CUTS. Sigh. Derek reveals the Falcon Twist: everyone put down your candles. Piper will not be evicting one of them. Instead Austin is sending someone home. Oh, pearl necklaces. Hee. Tim had something planned, but he flirts and says he would love a pearl necklace. Hee. TJ doesn't know how to tell Austin he wants to be a better man for Austin's girlfriend. Ex-girlfriend. Anyway, he can probably reach places in her Austin could never touch. This is a great twist. Gerald can say “quite honestly” there is nothing he wants more in the world than a pearl necklace from Austin. Bryce gets creepy that there is nothing anyone can do to keep them apart. Jeez. Austin says whoever loses it's not personal. Gerald is first, of course, and Austin has to promise he gets no kiss. TJ is next, and then Bryce. Wait, Bryce? How does that work exactly? Piper is visibly upset. Austin says Tim, you're a great guy but your connection isn't as strong. Now Piper is crying, but at least Tim gets a hug. Tim says his goodbyes, and he gained some great friends and it's worth more than anything. Derek starts like he's going to kick Tim out right now, and Tim is like I'll say my goodbyes, thanks. Then as he leaves he says “If I don't see you guys, good morning, good afternoon, good evening, and goodnight.” How do you get your schmoes to recite “Truman Show” quotes unprompted? It's perfect. Piper is pissed, and TJ is pissed, and everyone is sad. I still remember when I saw this the first time I had no idea how this was going to work. How do you eliminate your mark? How? Tim is pretty sad because he thinks Piper was worth fighting for.

Next episode: Bryce gets in trouble and we find out how your show survives eliminating the star.