Thursday, September 1, 2016

"Joe Schmo 2"--episode 4

Previously on “The Joe Schmo Show”: Ambrosia amped up her bitchy nature and attacked Cammy for using her boobs. Cammy slipped and almost said her real name, but everyone dropped it. Eleanor “lost” her locket and Tim came up with the plan to “find” it (really just get Cammy's and pretend). Tim also got a date with Piper, which terrified Piper. And he had a super fun birthday. Cammy tried to tell Ingrid a hysterical story about soft-core porn fetish videos she was in, and this lead Ingrid to completely doubt the entire show. At the elimination ceremony (the men were not there) Austin chose Cammy and Eleanor, and then left it for a To Be Continued. (click for more)

I think this was originally a 90 minute episode so this is going to be long. We pick up at the end of the eviction ceremony. It's down to Ingrid and Ambrosia. Austin calls Ingrid while Ambrosia starts crying. He tells Ambrosia he thought they were connecting, but he talked to the other girls and they said she was “a fucking bitch”. Wow. Derek asks if she has any parting words and calls her “Omarosa” and also says “parting gifts” at first instead of “parting words”. She says “What the FUCK!? Third runner-up? This is a bunch of shit! This whole show is a joke!” Derek stops her and says “Ambrosia, I'm sorry, but how could you say something like that? This has been a remarkable journey. A black ball eviction ceremony...where the evicted contestants were cast just the day before by Hollywood agents.” Ingrid snorts and Cammy is laughing too. “And what of Ernie's uncanny ability to guess exactly how many needy orphans needed to be adopted for everyone in this house? Rita and Cammy and your well-rehearsed speeches at the very first Pearl Necklace eviction ceremony? By the way, excellent work ladies.” Ingrid is just giggling. “And Austin's chiseled countenance? How can a man this good looking NOT be an actor?!” Ha! “And of course...there's Cammy. Cammy. Enough said.” This is so entertaining. “And lastly, my obviously dyed hair, my artificially colored sparkling blue eyes, these devilishly uncomfortable false teeth (he takes out the teeth and Ingrid says “Thank God THOSE aren't real”), and my over the top British accent!”

Ralph is speaking without his accent now. He tells Ingrid she's been living in a house full of actors as the other guys come in from the patio. She just laughs “I'm so glad I'm not crazy!” She has been impossible to fool. So since she's been so difficult, they want to make her an offer. Ralph tells her Tim also doesn't know, and she suspected he was also not an actor. See, she was really scrutinizing everything if she had also seen that Tim wasn't as ridiculous as everyone else. Last season it was easier because Brian basically played himself so he wasn't a caricature. Here is the deal: Ingrid can go home now, or take the script they wrote her into and join the cast. If she can make it to the end without blowing it she will get $100,000. I thought this was a really interesting solution. They must really trust her to offer her the chance to be an actor, because as we've seen even professionals screw up. Ralph (back in character) asks Ingrid if she will accept this script. There's a pause while she thinks about it and then says “I'll do it!” Everyone cheers and she begs them to please stop acting like lunatics now. Hee. She really thought she was losing her mind. She tells Cammy she didn't buy that story for a second. This is the most incredible thing to happen to her.

Ingrid interviews that she really thought she was insane and knowing she's not is such a relief. In the morning she actually gets to go to the trailers and she could barely sleep. They tell her to embrace all the things she's been doing. TJ say she was a little worried, because it's hard for actors to do this. The producers tell Piper they need to find the line with Tim where he's still into her and won't quit the show, but also where he's not so into her they hurt his feelings in the end. It may be too late for that, but that's the risk with this format of show and I already talked about that. Ingrid, maybe tone down how you always bring up “The Truman Show”. Hee.

Piper and Austin are here for today's Falcon Twist. They only have one mark left, so now they have to do something. Derek says something about doing the twist, which makes no sense, and the falcon almost takes Tim's head off. Today's Falcon Twist “is sure to make some of you feel like you just got donkey-punched.” Nice. Two new suitors are waiting to join the game, but only one of them will get the opportunity. Everyone goes inside. Derek interviews that to keep the premise of the show they need another female mark. Everyone is super nervous, including Ingrid, who is worried she can't act natural. Derek says there are two doors, one with a man and one with a women. They have to pick a door, and that person will join the show. So Austin and Piper pick a door, and behind the door is Amanda. Is this “the biggest twist in reality show history”? Probably not. Amanda's chyron says “thank God she thinks it's real”. Heh. She interviews that everyone welcomed her, and Derek kind of scared her at first. Ingrid found she was super excited to know the joke, especially since she met Amanda at the original casting call. She seems really bubbly and cheerful. Austin says Ingrid is suspicious, while Amanda is just trying to have a good time. She demonstrates some dance moves for everyone outside. It's really cute and somehow not ditzy.

For the next game everyone is in the bathrobes again, with a bunch of Union Jacks around. Derek says the original “Last Chance for Love” was in England, with games like “Tally Ho Ho Ho”, “Who's in the Loo?”, and “Carton of Fag”. Sigh. This game is called “Bangers and Mash”. There's a model who climbs into a tub of mashed potatoes. So there are hot dogs in the mashed potatoes, and when you find one you put it into the bun of another player. Ingrid is already laughing, which is exactly how she would react before. Also how I would react because this show is written by twelve-year-olds. Once someone puts a hot dog in your bun, you're out. Oh also you can only use your mouth. Of course. Last person standing wins a trip to the same spa in Utah they gave away last season, plus private time with either Austin or Piper.

Derek interviews there's no better way to figure out a girl's mettle than to shove her face in mashed potatoes and watch her deep throat a sausage. Hee. This game is disgusting. No one is paying enough attention to notice who is putting which sausages where, like they would on “Survivor” where this game would be used to figure out pecking order and hopefully force a blindside. Gerald is the last one, and they really, REALLY draw out his decision of if he's going to spend time with Austin or Piper. In the end he picks Piper. Also, let's all appreciate Gerald won a game where he had to get sausages in his mouth.

Derek says in honor of his native Britain he asked the producers to serve them all a traditional British brunch. Corned beef and poached eggs, bangers and mash, bubble and squeak, scones, crumpets, and Marmite. To be fair I think it looks good. As everyone eats, everyone makes faces because it's not good. TJ declares it wack-ass food that tastes like ass. Tim tastes the Marmite by licking the spoon, like you're not supposed to do. You're supposed to put it on toast with butter. Anyway, he says it tastes like “raw meat soaked in urine”. TJ says he's ordering pizza.

Out by the pool everyone hangs out. TJ gives Piper a foot rub. Amanda calls him “Rico Suave” which is the best reference. The pizza arrives and the pizza guy is Matt from last season. He's got his hat pulled down low and shades on and I'm sure Tim and Amanda don't recognize him because I am sure very few people watch this show. Outside he giggles about the show and gives Ralph a low-five. Oh and then Derek shows up as they're all grabbing pizza. Oops. They all pretend the British food was good, they were just still hungry. Amanda doesn't think Derek wants to be here. Tim thinks that was a British guilt trip and “he could have put dog shit on the fucking plate and we'd still have to try it.” Ha!

Oh look, anther Falcon Twist. Probably this is the next day. The falcon refuses to get on the branch and flies off again. Derek's reaction is “stupid, stupid bird”. Tonight Piper's parents will be here to join the men and Piper for dinner, and they will be giving immunity to one of the men. The women will be on a group date with Austin.
The group date ends up being mani/pedis. Amanda interviews that Austin is really hot but she feels like he's taking the time to get to know her because he hasn't had time yet, and he has a great sense of humor which is the most important thing to her.

The men meet Piper's “parents”. Tim seems legitimately nervous. Dad asks about intentions, and Tim says they're courting his daughter. Dad is strict, but Mom is super fun. Tim says he's hoping they don't expect them to propose at the end of the show, because he does like Piper but he's not ready to get married right now. Mom is like “let's have fun first!” Yeah. Bryce kisses ass about how he's looking forward to marriage and stuff. Tim is really creeped out by Bryce, but Bryce's creepiness is very attractive to a strict father. Piper and her mom leave the room, and Dad tells the contestants he will hurt them if they hurt Piper. Bryce starts saying some weirdness about how he's guarding Piper from craziness. I don't know. They all get one-on-one time with Piper's dad. He asks Tim if he's been sexually active, and he stammers a lot before admitting he has been, but not here. Tim references something Gerald says, and then has to reassure Dad he meant funny like humor, not funny like weird. Tim says in confessional he's not sure but Gerald might be “playing for both sides of the plate”. He also tells Dad he does not see eye-to-eye with Bryce because he's intense. That was actually a nice thing. Tactful.

The producer says that they need to give Ingrid some task in the house, and so why not give her the same task they gave Cammy? So as they're getting pedicures she leans over to Amanda to tell her about the “Porked and Beans” video. She is giggling about it, and Amanda is now convinced Ingrid is the least trustworthy person in the whole house. If Cammy wanted Amanda to know she would have said so. Huh.

Derek appears as Dad is talking to the men, and says they're probably all evaluating each other, and there's no better place to bond than a bachelor party. Tim looks down and pinches the bridge of his nose in the universal gesture of “Jesus H. Christ this is a terrible idea.” Derek brings out a stripper, and Dad looks pissed. Gerald is dancing along, TJ is enjoying this, and Tim is super uncomfortable. Bryce also looks mad. Tim interviews that they've all been to a strip club (sorry Mom) but not with someone they're trying to impress. As soon as the stripper's gone Bryce starts talking about church, acting like he is the same denomination as Dad.

Derek enters with a “Benny Hill” reference and kicks Dad out so everyone can get a fax. On a fax machine. There are manila envelopes with secrets for everyone. Each man will get one task, and if they fail, the secret's out. TJ must get a kiss on the lips from Piper's mom, Bryce has to stick his tongue in Piper's ear, Gerald has to tell the story of how he lost his virginity. Tim just has to use the word “cunnilingus” three times. Oh that's all. Sigh. TJ complains that he has the hardest one, but no one agrees, and Gerald mutters “I'm surprised you haven't done it already.” Ha!

At dinner TJ is the jerk who throws Bryce under the bus, telling him that since he just said he was Episcopalian like Dad maybe he should say some kind of Episcopalian grace. Nice. It's a jerk move but also funny because you know Bryce is full of shit. Bryce says he won't say anything particular to “their” church because of everyone else. Nice save. TJ tells the story about how Bryce tried to hypnotize them. Dad thinks it's “hogwash” and Bryce has to defend himself while being respectful. Bryce is really selling the hypnotism thing and Tim is losing his mind about it. TJ jumps up and says he wants a picture with Piper's mom. And Piper. Wait why don't they give him a kiss on the cheek at the same time? Yeah that would be cute. So of course TJ turns his head last minute to fulfill his task of kissing Mom. Smooth. Tim is quick to offer more wine to people. Gerald jumps on this, and starts a story about how one time he got drunk with his girlfriend, and the next day they woke up and realized...they'd vomited on themselves. Womp womp. So that's a failure. Tim is so uncomfortable. Gerald is trying to help but Tim but Tim can't say cunnilingus in front of Piper's dad. He tells Dad he reads in his spare time, and when asked what books he's been reading, says he can't remember the name. Seriously even Bryce is trying to help him, asking if the name starts with a C, and TJ is like “What kind of words do they use to describe sex?” Bryce pipes up that Tim reads a lot and is always teaching them stuff from books. Tim, what was that word you taught us? This is hilarious. “Respect, I think it was?” Heh. So Tim's a fail. Dad tells Mom to cover up because her top is pretty low cut.

Amanda is outside toasting Cammy with drinks and says Cammy is her biggest competition, because Austin pays a lot of attention to her. Ingrid also really wants to win, but Eleanor is not really in the running.

Dinner is over and now it's time for Derek to appear and reveal everyone's secrets. Gerald has a picture of him dressed as a woman, which just looks like Gerald with photoshopped long hair. He says he lost a bet. Tim says he just doesn't know. Bryce has video of him trying to hypnotize Piper. When she hears “mockingbird” she will instantly feel love for him. She laughs at him when he says that and he's like oh I was just kidding around. He says the producers are manipulating their chances at winning. Dad says it's super creepy. Tim totally buys it. Tim's secret is the footage of his birthday where he gave Gerald a lap dance. Instantly he explains it was his birthday and Truth or Dare. Derek says now it's time for a lie detector test for everyone! Bryce mutters that the show is getting out of control. Tim finds this funny.

Piper's dad takes the guys to the “garage” or whatever with the wine barrels, to sit them down with one bare bulb to yell at them for being inappropriate. He says he was about to leave. Turns out Derek explained what they all were supposed to do to keep their secrets. Oops. Bryce looks terrified which of course entertains Tim. Bryce says he is always faithful and would still love Piper if she was disfigured in a horrible accident. Clearly Bryce's answers are great to someone's parents. TJ tries to say he'd wait until marriage for sex but that's a lie. Also he's lied to a woman to get sex. Also he would not donate a kidney to Piper's dad, but he told the truth about that. Gerald tries to lie that it would be a problem to wait until marriage to sleep with Piper. Gerald, of all the women in the house, are you the most attracted to Piper? “All the women? Yes”. Heh. He also tries to lie about having tried to kiss Piper and wanting to sleep with her. Tim's faces are priceless. It's Tim's turn in the machine, and the show makes sure we know unlike everyone else, his lie detector results are completely true. He is intimidated by Piper's dad (tried to lie about that), he has been unfaithful to a girlfriend, he would have a problem waiting until marriage for sex, he is most attracted to Piper, he wants to sleep with Piper, he would love her if disfigured, he would donate a kidney. Aww, it's nice. Piper's parents give Gerald immunity, of course.

Amanda interviews that TJ is upset about dinner and how Gerald has immunity and everyone loves Gerald. Gerald says does he want to learn? Time for School of Gerald. TJ hits on Amanda, and Gerald stops him for advice. Tip 1: button up your shirt. TJ claims he's trying to show he works out, and Gerald tells him the right cut of shirt will show that also. HEE I hear Kmanpat's voice. Tip 2: pretend Amanda only exists from the neck up. Gerald gives TJ a banana to pretend to make a phone call. Tip 3: Rico Suave was the 80's. Aww. Tip 4: exfoliate daily. I don't know what that's about. Gerald feels greasy, I guess. TJ says he'll try something different then and starts speaking with a stereotypical lisp.

Elimination ceremony. Everett is there in his aquarium for some reason, along with Montecore. OK, show, the smash cuts to every person are getting old. I get it. TJ is still holding his candle at his crotch. Time to plead your case. Tim has gotten to know Piper and he's hooked. Bryce has a hard time at these ceremonies because of how he feels, and he's trying to honor his feelings to her. He has another middle school poem. Seriously it's not creepy but just like, what a thirteen-year-old would write his first girlfriend. Gerald loves Piper's mom, she almost made him feel like he was her daughter. P.S. Love the dress. Sigh. TJ says the first thing he likes to do is size up a girl's mom, and also her ankles. Her mom is hot and her ankles are tight. What? Sigh. Piper thanks them for being so nice to her parents and she's happy to have met such a group of great guys. Gerald of course is up first, then TJ, then Tim. Bryce is already starting to cry. Piper didn't think their chemistry was working, but he's a great guy and there's a great woman out there for him. Bryce sobs and says there is chemistry between them and then says she's doing something crazy and starts whispering “mockingbird”. He asks for one last hug and then finally leaves. Everyone looks super uncomfortable.

Next episode: Cammy gives Tim a lap dance, someone buys a banner on a plane, someone lied.

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