"Joe Schmo 2"--episode 8

Previously on “The Joe Schmo Show”: Bryce returned to the show, because the deal is Piper thinks he's sweet. Everyone has to “profess their love” for alone time, and TJ and Cammy win. However for more entertainment, TJ and Cammy had to wear earpieces and do whatever the other contestants told them, which was pretty entertaining. No one cared if Cammy had to do dumb things but Tim was very protective of TJ's alone time. Afterwards, they told Bryce about how his frog died and that went over as well as you would think. In that he and TJ almost fought. Then went up to their room to “cool off” and were almost caught by Tim out of character. During the elimination ceremony, Derek revealed that Austin would be deciding which man would be eliminated. To everyone's anger and annoyance he decided on Tim. (click for more)

Morning production meeting. The producers remind everyone of their close call, where everyone was out of character goofing around when Tim walked in. Maybe keep on being careful. Also everyone should have some kind of reaction or opinion about Tim's eviction. Ingrid is amazing.

Ingrid tells Amanda she thinks Cammy is, just, like, completely stupid. As she bags on Cammy, Amanda totally ignores her. Like, Ingrid thinks she is going to get some agreement and they're both going to bash Cammy but Amanda just will not take the bait and is talking about how good lunch looks. Eventually Amanda admits she and Cammy are different people, like, Amanda likes ice cream but not enough to work at Baskin Robbins. I guess Ingrid thinks Austin doesn't know Cammy is dumb? How could he not know? Anyway, as Cammy and Gerald come out, Amanda greets them with her hand over her mouth because she's eating. My sister said when she joined her sorority they taught all of them if you have to talk with your mouth full, put two fingers in front of your face. How two fingers will hide your mouth full of food, or why you only use two fingers instead of your whole hand, who knows.

Tim is being interviewed in a hotel room nearby. He says he was not expecting his elimination, but Austin didn't agree. Back at the house everyone is kind of somber about Tim being gone. Tim wouldn't do anything differently and he would not have passed up this opportunity. Bryce, of course, is a creepy jerk and says Tim being eliminated was “inevitable” and sometimes he knows what Piper is going to do and also he wasn't nervous last night.

OK so the house has big columns and an extended roof piece so there's a covered section of walkway right next to the house. You can see over there that a cop is loitering around the columns, watching them. I mean he looks like a cop but he's probably not a real cop. Meanwhile at the hotel room Tim's interview is interrupted by Derek, who tells him a male suitor is being kicked off the show for “a rules violation”. Piper was allowed to invite any of the evicted suitors back, and she picked Tim. Oh so that's how this is going to go down. If Tim's willing he can pack up and come back right now. Tim was just saying how he's fine with the decision but you know he's immediately willing to come back. He asks Derek for a ride but Derek declines. Heh.

Back at the house there is another banner which is hilarious. “My Irish eyes are still smiling – TDubbs” Ha! Amanda gets up and says “On that note, I need a beer.” Tim appears from around the corner and says “Bring one for me.” Yay! Amanda is stoked. Actually everyone is stoked except Bryce. They ask why Tim's back and he admits he doesn't know. Derek just said something is going on. See, I think this was another mistake that they lucked out on because no one noticed. There is no way you'd bring Tim back without getting rid of Bryce first. Because he could have told all of them that someone was getting kicked out, before the official announcement from Derek. But no one cares. Meanwhile the cop is still around.

Derek's announcement is that someone has violated the rules and is being removed immediately. Derek admits he and the falcon didn't get along, but he was a “beautiful creature” and they found him dead this morning on the floor of the trailer. Damn. Someone broke into the trailer, and they “have every reason to believe” it was someone in the house. Derek asks Bryce if he has anything to say, and Tim looks at him with calm death in his eyes. It is kind of scary. Bryce kind of shrugs and says just, like, thanks to whoever took care of that bird. Tim says “Did you kill the fucking bird?” Man Tim is about to leap across these deck chairs and kick Bryce's ass. I cannot convey in print the menace in Tim's voice. Bryce will not answer the question. Anyway, it doesn't matter because security camera footage! Bryce is on camera leaving the house and headed in the direction of the trailer! He is totally guilty like we all knew. Bryce pretends he got thirsty. Time to go, Bryce. Bryce argues that it's not Derek's decision because it's Piper's show. Bryce keeps insisting to talk to Piper, while Tim is like “if you killed the fucking bird fess up”. As Bryce is sitting on the bottom edge of the deck chair, Amanda is behind him on the same chair, huddled up on the back like she's too nice to move chairs but wants to be as far from Bryce as possible. It's the producers' decision to remove him, but Bryce thinks they're playing with Piper's love life and he won't leave until he talks to her. Finally Derek says he'll take Bryce to see Piper, and gets him to leave. Tim is freaking out, and Amanda begs him to shut up because Bryce is unstable. Seriously. As Bryce is leaving and saying “I'll be back anyways” and stuff Tim is yelling at him. Then we all hear Bryce screaming about “Get away from me!” and Derek saying “Get in the van” and cursing and “I wanna see Piper”. We cut to the front of the house where Bryce is of course just standing there yelling. He insists he's not fucking crazy and he didn't do anything, and “Fuck this cocksucking show!” Ah, the classics.

So they're all out where the Falcon Twist happens, and Derek says they're going to splice in old footage so just pretend the falcon is there. Tim promises they can do like a countdown and all duck at the same time, like the bird just flew in over them, and Derek says that's perfect. They do it once and then have to do it again “more naturally”. TJ is all, I don't know how to act. Heh. Today's Falcon Twist is that tonight is a double elimination: one man and one woman. Also the Falcon Twist is full of Bond movie titles. Montage of the bird and how it flew into the glass doors that time.

Stupid game time! This game is called “Bound by Love”. You have to have your wrists tied together and make the highest clay item you can. Yes, a “Ghost” reference. Kids, Google it. Anyway, Tim says he doesn't want to be paired with Cammy because she sucks at this sort of thing, and then they all use the potter's wheels in slow motion while a broke-ass “Unchained Melody” rip-off plays. Everyone makes phallic pieces. Amanda breaks her and Gerald's piece which is sad. Ingrid and TJ win, and “will be closest” to Austin and Piper on their date. So for the next two hours they'll all be chained together, but Ingrid and TJ will be the closest to Austin and Piper. Gerald interviews that this is one of the few games that absolutely had to be fixed.

So everyone has their ankles hooked together (but your own two ankles are not hooked to each other, if that makes sense) in this order: TJ, Piper, Austin, Ingrid, Gerald, Amanda, Tim, Cammy. Now they have dance lessons from some guy with a vaguely German accent. It's very silly. Then TJ has to go to the bathroom and thank God he's on the end. He's pouring vegetable soup into the toilet like he's sick and of course they can all hear because he can't shut the door properly because of the chain. Also there's fart spray for added verisimilitude. There's more dancing and suddenly TJ just drags everyone over to the bathroom. Everyone feels bad for Piper because she has to stand by the door. When he comes back out, TJ says he has to change his underwear. We're not sure how because there is a shackle around his ankle! Come on people, no one asks how this is going to work. Suddenly Gerald jumps into the open drawer because there are his aquasocks. TJ hid his aquasocks four days ago. There are some clips of Gerald asking people about them, because he didn't shower for four days. It would have been a more effective storyline if we'd heard ANYTHING about it since episode two. Anyway Gerald is mad and TJ says it was a joke so let's settle it. Contest of Gerald's choosing and the loser “bows out of the thing” tonight. They agree that the loser will go home and the women will choose the winner. Dance off! TJ says he will win, as does Gerald. “Flashdance, 20^th anniversary, on DVD, biatch, AND I'm wearing these!” The damn aquasocks. Tim says it has been one of the weirdest days of his life. Also both Tim and Amanda think maybe TJ took it too far.

Tim interviews that at this point he was actually thinking “Is everyone in on this? And I just don't know any of it?” Oops. He thought he could not have felt more embarrassed for someone, but no. This danceoff is bad. TJ breakdances and Gerald does some classic 80's dance movie moves. Complete with having water poured over him as he leans back in the chair. Amanda says if it's a “dance” off, TJ wins, but both Cammy and Ingrid vote for Gerald. TJ apologizes for his aquasocks but he's not happy. Tim wonders if they've been in a dance-off before but Gerald just says he totally has.

Elimination time. Austin is up first. Ingrid talks about how dance is a symbol of new possibilities. Amanda is glad they got to talk and get to know each other better. Cammy wishes she could make a cake and write everything on the top of it but that would be a really big cake. Everyone is a great person. Austin calls up Ingrid and then Amanda. Cammy, sorry. That's all he says. Cammy says “You know what they say. 'If it doesn't kill you, you ain't dead!'” Hee.

Time for the men. Gerald doesn't have much to say but he feels clean. Tim thanks Piper for inviting him back. TJ says now she's seen him at his worst. Piper thinks she's picked two guys who will suit her best. Tim first, clearly. And then TJ. Gerald stares at him, but TJ does not quit. So Gerald runs up, blows out TJ's candle, and then gets back in line. Both TJ and Piper are like, “...okay” and go to light TJ's candle again. Gerald comes up and says they danced on it, and tries to take TJ's place, and Derek says their dance-off was not sanctioned and TJ has no obligation to keep his word. Harsh. Piper says she adores Gerald and could they still be buddies? But she's not the right person for him. Cue shots of Austin. Gerald says he'll just let America decide who is the bigger man. He even hugs TJ which is nice. And Derek.

But today's not over! Falcon Twist! Amanda whispers, “They're getting married! They're getting married!” in a sing-song voice which is hilarious when you know what is coming. They've been competing for Austin and Piper, but they're also competing AGAINST Austin and Piper. They both are deciding if they want to start a new relationship, or get back together with each other. Dun dun DUN!

Next episode: finale, and fat suits for some reason. My DVD case says this finale was never aired but I think it was? It was so long ago. Maybe they put it online eventually? Whatever, it's the big reveal! Will Tim hit someone? Will Amanda be shocked?