"Joe Schmo 2"--episode 5

Previously on “The Joe Schmo Show”: Since Ingrid was too suspicious for this show and figured out it was all fake, the producers let her in on the secret and offered her the chance to join the cast. If she can make it to the end she can win $100,000. So she accepted and they brought in Amanda so they could go back to having one girl and one guy schmo. After that, there were sausages, a cameo from Matt Kennedy Gould, and Piper's parents. The men had a weird contest to do inappropriate things or “secrets” would be revealed. In the end Piper's parents gave Gerald immunity and Bryce was kicked out. Not before he was creepy one last time though. (click for more)

Morning production meeting. Yesterday was awesome and they hit the balance between nonsense and believability. Ingrid was great also so keep it up.

Derek comes out and says he has one more course for lunch: a big serving of controversy! Everyone has to write down who among their competition is least suited to whoever they're fighting for. So the men will write down another man's name who is not suited to Piper, and the women will write down the name of the woman they think is least suited to Austin. Amanda seems upset at having to be put in a “malicious” position. I think Amanda might be too nice for reality TV. I mean Matt was a gem and even he was able to vote people out. Eleanor says something about her towel or whatever, and Tim says he totally knows who she sounds like! The girl from “American Pie”, the band camp girl! She's like, I wasn't in band in high school, I'm not a geek . It's weird and she doesn't seem to get that he was saying she sounded like a character in a movie, not that he thought she was actually in band. He tries to cover by saying he just thought she sounded like someone else, it could have been his Aunt Eileen or something. “Well, your Aunt Eileen, how old is she?!” Tim can't even respond. Hee. Derek comes back and says the “winners” are Gerald and Eleanor. Actually they are actually winners because they win alone time. Eleanor freaks out and Gerald does some dancing with pelvic thrusts.

Falcon Twist time. As Derek is about to read the paper, he pauses to listen to his earpiece and asks if they have to do it again. Ugh. Anyway, then a producer calls Ingrid away and then Derek cancels the Falcon Twist because they got news Ingrid's grandfather died. Hilariously they had planned on it being her grandmother but Ingrid already mentioned yesterday that she'd passed a while ago. In the production meeting they discover that Ingrid has not only mentioned her grandfather is still living, but he is 102 years old. He is really that old. Awesome. Gerald interviews that it's so crazy because this is like the fourth reality show this has happened on this year. Ingrid was a little worried about things because she's not a professional. She tells people he was really old, and it's not a big deal. It seems pretty legit and I've certainly seen worse acting on this show.

After Ingrid rejoins everyone else, Derek comes back out to announce the “alone time” for Gerald and Eleanor. However! Austin heard about Ingrid and has asked if Derek will ask Eleanor to give up her alone time for Ingrid so he can comfort her or whatever. That's a dick move, asking Eleanor in front of everyone with no time to think about it. Also making Derek do it. She says of course, because what else is she going to say? She was jumping up and down when she won, and now she's crying. Tim and Amanda feel pretty bad for her, and Tim tries to cheer her up.

The next day we discover that Cammy has been put in charge of Everett the frog for some reason. She says it's fun but he didn't eat the crickets so she put a donut in there. Tim laughs that Everett is the next one to be evicted. Then they hear a plane and discover a banner plane that reads “P FORGIVE ME? - B” So this is apparently a take on something that happened on “Big Brother”, which I never got because I've never watched “Big Brother”. I just thought it was SUPER CREEPY. Tim says “please don't jump out of the plane Bryce”. Heh. OK I never noticed this before but Ingrid actually asks if anyone's ever watched “Big Brother”. Amanda says about half of the people are saying it's very sweet but the other half is reiterating that Bryce is psycho. Piper says it's sweet and now she feels bad about the other night when she eliminated him. Tim can't believe Bryce is gone and they're still talking about him.

OK stupid game time. Love is a battlefield, or whatever, and they'll be competing against “outsiders”. The winning team will each get a trip to an all-inclusive resort in Cozumel, Mexico. The “outsiders” are some models. There are teams of two, but since there are seven people they need a cheerleader. Gerald volunteers to be the cheerleader since he's already won a trip to Utah. His cheers are of course weird. Also he's wearing his gym shorts pulled up to his ribcage.

First up are Ingrid and Eleanor. Everyone gets heart-shaped balloons taped to them (the game is called “Break My Heart”) and they have to pop their opponents balloons. Ingrid interviews that she still feels dumb playing these dumb games. Eleanor manages to hang on to the end, despite being scratched by the models. Second game is “Electro-Lick”, which is where Piper and Austin are holding giant plastic lips, with tongue, and you have to lick the tongue to move it up and down because it's a light switch and you need to turn the light on and off as many times as possible. TJ says he was born for this. Amanda is now wondering what she is doing here. TJ cheers her on by saying “Lick it like you lick it” which for some reason I find hilarious. The models win by two licks.

The last game is “Getting a Heart-On”. I know. Tim has a heart monitor, and Cammy has to raise his heart rate. The team with the greatest increase wins. Tim is leaned back in the chair taking deep breaths to try to get his heart rate down before they start, so as to have a bigger increase. Hee. Cammy basically describes how she will give him the greatest blow job ever and then grinds her ass on him until time is up. Tim says it was “interesting” and is “up here for good”. But Cammy only got him up to 78 beats per minute, which seems low. Both Amanda and Eleanor seem disturbed by the models' gyrating. They win, of course.

Time to meet Austin's parents! Just like how the men met Piper's parents! Especially since it's the same two actors. Ha! They switched roles, though, in that Mom is now the strict, straight-laced one, and Dad is the partier. Amanda interviews that she's trying to be on her best behavior while still being herself. Dad gives Austin crap about not wearing socks and being prom king and whatever. Mom looks unhappy about this whole situation, while Dad wants a drink and says something about the size of his wife's breasts. The actors interview about switching roles. Derek gives the women the same set-up he gave the men: do some dumbass thing or we'll tell everyone your secret. Amanda, get Dad to tell you the story of his first time. Eleanor, sit in Dad's lap and call him “Daddy”. Ingrid has to use “fellatio” in three sentences and Cammy has to get Austin's mom to do a body shot out of Cammy's bellybutton. Damn.

Ingrid thinks she has the easiest task, and she starts talking about books and stuff. She just randomly starts saying “fellatio” instead of other words and acts like it's a slip of the tongue. So to speak. Amanda has zero game and basically blurts out the question. Like, she says this is a horribly wrong question, but..and then Eleanor interrupts her to complain about her chicken being pink. However this does allow Ingrid to say “fellatio” one more time instead of “salmonella” and finish her challenge. Eleanor knocks her chair over somehow and says it's broken, and then Austin offers to move so she can sit in his place. And then Eleanor goes over and “accidentally” sits in Dad's lap instead of the empty chair, blurting “Daddy” for no reason. Cammy blurts out that they haven't done any shots! Not once! You know, overall the women are terrible at making these dumb tasks seem “natural”, but TJ was the only man to finish his task so right now they're doing better. Cammy demonstrates how you do a body shot and then wants to start with Mom. Come on. Dad of course goes first, and Amanda is also willing to demonstrate and help Cammy. Of course Dad insists on making out with Cammy. Ingrid interviews that it was so insane she thought maybe they were still punking her because there was no way Amanda would believe this. Amanda, because she's so nice, tries to do a PG-rated shot where she just picks up the glass with her mouth, instead of licking salt off Cammy's stomach. Eleanor refuses to do it, and Amanda thinks if she had, it would have worked.

Mom is pissed and says she resents she's been put into this position. As Dad is obnoxious and starts talking about how hot all the women are, Mom wants to know how far the party goes. Dad digs a deeper hole and says it's the sexual revolution and if they didn't have AIDS what do you think we'd all be doing right now? Yikes. It's uncomfortable to watch and I know it's all fake. Amanda looks like she might throw up her shot. Dad (after flirting with Cammy again which is just creepy) starts some sentence with “So-and-so died on the cross”. Yikes again. Dad asks Amanda if she's OK, which is nice, and she says she's just uncomfortable. Then out of nowhere Dad tells Mom she wasn't his first, his first was Mrs. Gosling in 8^th grade. Amanda is really glad she didn't have to do anything. Cammy is the only one left to finish her task, and Amanda really tries to get Mom to do the shot but Dad is too fast and Derek is already in the room watching.

Time for Cammy's secret, since she was the only one who didn't finish her task. And of course her secret is her fetish video which is terrible. Oh my God, it is the worst, fakest, low-budget video. Cammy is in a bikini with a ton of make-up on, sitting in a Jacuzzi tub full of baked beans with hot dogs. Some shirtless guy with an apron and a fake mustache is pouring more pork and beans over her while Cammy moans in the fakest way possible. It is hilarious, until you see how upset Amanda is for her. She looks like she's about to storm out of the room and quit. So I feel bad for her for that, but it really is a hilarious video. Amanda is over by Cammy trying to comfort her, which Austin says is too bad because Cammy wanted to see this video she supposedly starred in but she couldn't. When it's over, Derek says, “I'm sorry we had to see that...on such a small monitor.” Heh. As Amanda hugs Cammy, Cammy grins at everyone else, and then Eleanor and Ingrid promise her they can't show any of the video on TV. Except she wasn't naked and they've already filmed her earlier today promising Tim a blow job and then grinding on him. It makes zero sense but sure.

Time for a Pearl Necklace Eviction Ceremony. There are still too many smash cuts. Plead your case. Cammy says she gets in trouble when she opens her mouth, so she's not going to say anything. Eleanor has been waiting a long time for her alone time, and she's really looking forward to it and he's in for a treat. Amanda thanks Austin and his parents for getting to know her? I guess? It's sincere. Ingrid says Austin showed a lot of compassion last night, and her grandfather would have loved the good qualities he showed. Austin is given the chance to address the group but he says he has nothing to say. He calls Amanda first, then Cammy, then Eleanor. So Ingrid's out. Huh. He says to Ingrid that apparently some people will do anything to win. She responds that she speaks for herself and her dead grandfather when she says she is disappointed. No she really says that. She leaves without talking to anyone.

Once Ingrid is gone, Austin says he didn't want to embarrass her, but he got the producers to call her parents so he could speak to them directly and offer condolences and make a donation. When he asked who he was speaking with, the person said he was her grandfather. Austin says she lied to him and to everyone and that is the “ultimate betrayal”. Amanda, who looks like she might be on the verge of tears, interrupts him to say that her mom's parents live with them. It was her dad's father who passed. How perfect is this. Like...did they plan this? Did they make sure Ingrid told Amanda both that her parents lived with her maternal grandparents and also it was her paternal grandfather who died, just in the hope Amanda would remember both those facts and at least know it wasn't a lie? If not do exactly what she just did? They must have planned to have SOMEONE defend Ingrid, based on the fact that they don't scramble after Amanda says this. But it's so well-done that on my first viewing I thought it was unplanned. That Amanda was just sticking up for her and the producers hadn't thought she would. Everyone looks horrified. Austin thought she only had one grandfather, and Amanda starts to backtrack and say she's not sure about all of this. Gerald points out she didn't protest when she left.

Next episode: “We've laughed with them, we've cried with them, and one of them is going to die.”