"Joe Schmo 2"--episode 6

Previously on “The Joe Schmo Show”: the producers decided Ingrid should pull a Jonny Fairplay and announced her grandfather had died, then used this to take Eleanor's alone time away from her. Which was sad. Bryce got an airplane to run a banner over the mansion asking for forgiveness, which Tim felt was super creepy but Piper felt bad for eliminating Bryce. There was a set of really dumb games vs. the models, where basically everything was sexual and the models “won” trips to Mexico. Austin's parents arrived, played by the same actors that played Piper's parents, only this time Mom was strict and somber and Dad was a party person. They also had the same challenge as the men, which was to do ridiculous sexual tasks or have “secrets” revealed. Everyone did it, except Cammy, so we could watch the horrible low-budget piece of shit that is “Porked and Beans”. Because you can't mention a fetish porn video without actually having a video. Then Ingrid was sent home because Austin called her house and her grandfather answered. Amanda told Austin her mom's dad lives with them, and it was her dad's dad who died. Oops. (click for more)

Oh and also someone is going to die. Be aware that the falcon and the frog are also in the montage, and there's a clip of Tim saying “Holy schnikies” but who knows where that's from.

Morning production meeting. Everything is awesome. OK, good meeting!

Everyone is outside in workout clothes, the girls in shorts and sports bras, and the guys in gym shorts and sleeveless T-shirts. Weirdly Cammy is the only one in long pants. Tim thinks Ingrid's faking a death in the family is hysterical. Amanda totally sticks up for her and says Ingrid did tell her that her mom's parents live with them so it could have been her living grandfather who answered the phone. Tim thinks Ingrid had him fooled because she seemed so sincere. Hee. Austin and Piper appear and Eleanor makes a point to tell Austin he needs to bring his coupon book down later for some couponing. You remember her coupon book? That she gave him as a gift back at the start of the show? Right. Derek appears and makes some noise about the upsetting eviction ceremony last night, and Austin is upset too. Derek reminds them Amanda stood up for Ingrid, and then confirms Amanda's story: Austin spoke to Ingrid's maternal grandfather, and it was her paternal grandfather who passed. I love it. Then he says something about Simba and the “circle of life”, and Austin asked the producers if Ingrid could come back and they said she could! Yay! As Ingrid comes out, Derek says they're very happy her grandfather IS dead and she's back in the game. Hee. Anyway, tonight they'll have another Pearl Necklace ceremony to eliminate another woman. Tim rolls his eyes at how Austin apparently didn't do any digging when he was on the phone.

Then another plane flies over with a banner that says “Did you get my first banner?” Ha! Well you didn't text me back! Sorry, YouTube reference. Tim seems completely disturbed. The girls discuss how exactly they're supposed to answer this question. Maybe by spelling out “YES” on the ground. TJ says maybe by calling the cops. Maybe Bryce is in the plane. Tim says he'll spell out “yes” with an F and a U. Hee.

Derek comes out again with an armful of workout equipment. It's a bunch of tubes, each one with a piece of elastic running through it, and then handles on the ends of the elastic. Like you would stand on the tube and use the handles to work out your arms or whatever. This is the “Pumpersize Thigh and Bun Blaster”. Hee. Now they have to do an infomercial. No one can remember the name. Tim looks at everyone trying to use the thing and literally says “This can't be real.” Oh, I was wrong, you stand on the handles and pull up on the bar. Also Derek offers them all baby oil. As they try to use the equipment the elastic breaks. Actually I think it's rubber tubing and not elastic. Gerald oils people up. Ingrid interviews that her job for the day is to tell Tim about Cammy's video. Tim loves this. He loves every second. He says he needs a copy of this video. This is all of this exercise informercial you will see.

Piper and Austin are here for today's Falcon Twist. Derek says it is truly shocking. They're all here to “woo” Austin and Piper. But what none of them know is that six months ago, Piper and Austin were a couple. WELL. Let me just say that if this happened for real on a dating show I would love it. The greatest twist. Amanda says Austin told her he'd dated someone for four years and broke up six months ago, so that must have been Piper. Austin interviews that Piper was very worried that they were believable as a couple, but they've lived together for a few days so now they're good.

Cammy has been feeding the frog donuts. I don't know. But the producers took Everett from Cammy and put him in the trailer with the falcon, as planned. Then, as Gerald says, “nature took its course”. Remember that too.

Everyone comes in the living room (actually I think it's the eviction room, just without all the candles and shit), where there are chairs and also a sofa with two big lumps covered in blankets. Today they will get to show Austin and Piper if they have “all the right moves” or “the rhythm of an amputee”. The lumps are RealDolls. They are squarely in the Uncanny Valley and are therefore terrifying. Put the moves on the dolls (in front of everyone) and the winners will get a private double date. Lots of smash cuts between Gerald, Austin, and the Austin doll.

TJ immediately sucks on the doll's toes. Creepy. Amanda and Tim just talk and it's very cute. Ingrid gives the doll a shoulder rub and talks about how she's reading a book about the rise and fall of communism. Hee. Gerald curls up on the couch and is weird. Cammy for some reason involves both dolls, I guess in an attempt to get some girl-on-girl action happening, except for the part where the Piper doll is too heavy and Cammy can't lift her. Eleanor is also awkward and keeps looking over at the real Austin. Tim busts out with this perfect line in confessional: “A very talented actress would be able to act that way, but she didn't know that she was, you know, that wasn't an act, she was just being herself.” Oh Tim. Eleanor continues to babble that if he came home and they were married, but she doesn't have to get married right now, she just wants to have kids some day, but not now, or she could do it now, or wait. Aww. Anyway, the winners are Tim and Amanda. Austin of course says he's going to pick the person he's spent the least amount of time with which is Amanda. Eleanor is upset, which is par for the course. But Austin is kind of a douche.

Eleanor starts crying about losing, but she protests that it's great they're going on a date. Like she is upset, but also doesn't want to be that person and ruin it for Amanda. Austin goes over to comfort her, and she insists she's fine. Eleanor apologizes to Amanda, saying she knows Amanda's already mad at her because she didn't help Cammy try to do her task so they wouldn't have to watch that dumb video. I don't think Amanda was mad, per se, but sure. Now she's crying about how Cammy doesn't think she's a good friend. Aww. Austin pulls out the coupon book, I guess to reassure her? Use a coupon? Who knows, because when Eleanor opens it she discovers there's a coupon already ripped out. Cammy says they “kind of used it” on their date. Wow. Tim's face is great, because his jaw is open and he looks shocked that anyone would be that terrible. Serious dick move. Eleanor also loses it, because seriously, and Austin tries to say he thought it was “for the game of the house”, like if a woman gives you a coupon book for massages and pancake breakfasts and you use the coupons with other women she's not going to be mad about it. What a dumbass. She wanders off and says it's dumb for her to be so worked up so she might as well tear out all the coupons. I think she throws them in the fireplace. Austin promises her private time which we all know is bullshit but whatever. Amanda leaves the room as everyone comforts Eleanor. Interestingly Amanda makes no move to offer her date to Eleanor, but I wouldn't either so I'm not sure that says anything.

In one of the bedrooms Gerald and TJ have a silly interview about today and how Eleanor lost her mind and she's one of their best players. It's like a sports interview and it's very fun. Coupon book was just enough. MVP was Cammy. Amanda is in the bathroom I think crying as Ingrid comforts her. They mention how Cammy was like “I didn't know I wasn't supposed to use the coupons!” and then laugh because what else are you going to do? Ingrid is like, come on! It's funny! Because it is. Amanda does say that it would be way funnier if Eleanor wasn't so upset. True. Eleanor comes in and apologizes again, and she says she doesn't know why she's so worked up. She does this when she gets attached to men and they don't reciprocate and she doesn't want to do this anymore and she won't.

The “private double date” is at a Benihana-type deal. Austin is needling Piper, as planned, with insults that I might give my friends but only certain friends where our relationship is we give each other shit all the time. Like, Kmanpat just the other day bought a Crystal Pepsi and I plan to mock him for at least another week. Piper asks if they dress Cammy, and Amanda says no, they tried. Austin says she's just jealous. See, like that. They both needle each other, with Austin being more of an ass. Amanda tries valiantly to get them to move beyond this. Eventually Piper says she doesn't know what she's doing here, as Austin says she's causing drama, and Amanda and Tim insist seven million times there's no drama. Austin is the bad person again. Piper gives him shit about using the coupon with Cammy, and then Piper is like I'm not having this conversation right here and she walks outside. Austin goes after her and Tim and Amanda discuss their need for shots. Outside the producers say Austin and Piper should say they argued about how the reality show is bringing out the worst in each of them and they don't like each other this way or whatever.

Piper and Austin go back in, and Piper brings Tim outside, as she's complaining about how she can't stand Austin. Tim immediately asks if she wants him to beat Austin up (heh) but Piper is just upset. Amanda asks Austin if they're over each other, and he says totally. Piper insists the same information, and says maybe she'll quit. Austin says the same thing, so I guess Amanda and Tim are supposed to talk them into staying. Yeah, way to keep anyone from falling for actors, there. Austin thinks they can replace him, which is silly. Piper is upset about how fake Austin is. Both Tim and Amanda promise this is fun and it'll be fine. Of course, because the plan all along was for Tim and Amanda to save the show.

Right before the elimination ceremony everyone is hanging out together, and Amanda wants to thank everyone for a fun time, just in case she is eliminated. One of the producers comes in and says Everett the frog is dead. The cage was turned over and basically they think the falcon ate him. This is funny. Cammy wants to speak on the frog's behalf, they're all sad, Cammy says to Amanda that he loved her (also check Cammy's sheer black shirt that fastens over her boobs but leaves her stomach uncovered, classy). Tim is all, “Hey, hey guys? It's a frog?” But everyone is sad and Ingrid says because Cammy wants to respect the frog they should take it seriously. They have 10 seconds of silence for the stupid frog. Eleanor mentions Bryce, and Tim remembers that someone at some point will have to tell Bryce that his frog died. Not good. Ingrid asks them to all take a knee and pray. Amanda cracks up, while Cammy wonders how Tim and Amanda are believing this right now.

Elimination time. Each woman can address Austin first. Ingrid says they've been through so much in a short time and she thinks that means they have potential. Eleanor says he should know how she feels about him by now. Amanda reminds Austin they talked about how she felt about this whole thing, and he needs to go with what he feels. Cammy has had a good time, their date was wonderful and that foot massage was amazing! Sigh. Also he's cuter than the RealDoll. Austin would like to say they all look beautiful, and there are no losers here, and he has enjoyed spending one-on-one time with each of them. Eleanor looks pissed, because of course she's the only one he HASN'T spent one-on-one time with.

Austin actually calls Eleanor up first. She stops him before he can put the necklace on her and makes a speech: “Ever since I got here I've been waiting for a long time that just never came. Promises were made, Austin. And the only alone time that I got to spend was with Eleanor. And I was beginning not to like her very much. Thanks to some of the wonderful friends that I've made here, I've learned that I am a beautiful, smart, kind, and funny lady when I let myself be. And there are many guys out there who would love to spend alone time with me. So to answer your question? No. I will not accept your pearl necklace. In fact, you can take your pearl necklace, and your half-hearted locket, (here she tears the locket off her neck and puts it in Austin's hand) and shove it up your ass.” Woo! That was satisfying. Austin just stands there like a dummy as Eleanor hugs everyone goodbye. Then she walks out, shoving Derek out of the way. Hee. Derek says they should make it official, so give everyone a necklace. Austin has to be prompted, because he still seems dazed. He pauses a super long time before giving the final necklace to Cammy, or at least it seems that way. I can't tell because of the TEN MILLION SMASH CUTS. Derek says the only sure thing is that you can never be sure of a thing.

Once Austin and Piper and Derek are gone, Tim lets out several “Holy shit”s, and Amanda says she's proud of Eleanor. Everyone has a pearl necklace. “And if anyone else wants another one we'll be upstairs.” Ha! Everyone is proud of Eleanor and how she now loves herself.

Next time: drama and more drama.