Monday, June 4, 2012

Hell's Kitchen 6/4/12--"18 Chefs Compete" summary

I know, I know, “Hell’s Kitchen” is not exactly quality television. But they are at least honest about it, with their yelling and cursing binges and every challenge ends in a tie so you can go to commercial on a cliffhanger. Obviously that is planned. But at least they own it, unlike some shows (I’m looking at you “Project Runway”) and they also don’t pretend to be about food. “Around the World in 80 Plates”. So I think I will write about a show that doesn’t pretend to be quality. But not “MasterChef”. There are only so many ways to say “amateur chefs don’t know how to make that” and also “that is disgusting“. And they use fake-outs more even more than this show.(click for more) 
The opener claims 10,000 customers have been served, which means like, 25,000 have shown up. Right? There is a brief shot of Jean Phillipe. Aww, I miss JP and his “French” that slipped into Cockney several times. Why are we having a montage? Is this All-Stars? We pretend Gordon is putting his reputation on the line, which we all know isn’t true. If he was, they’d be working at Claridge’s or somewhere in England. Not in Vegas. This montage of yelling is not shocking, producers. Although, they seem to let someone kick another contestant. I’m going to get epilepsy from this thing, you guys. And not one minute is “shocking”. Most intense season ever! Pff.

OK, now we’re starting. The SUVs get a police escort, probably to warn everyone away. Lots of hooting and people who are dressed well because I guess they don’t watch reality TV ever and haven’t figured out they’re going to be cooking right away. When the contestants come in, they’re greeted by Scott, who is my favorite and also a badass. He welcomes them all, and Briana says she already has a crush on Scott, so good for her. Scott then pretends he wanted to work for Ramsey so badly he offered to shave his head. He produces a picture with hair, which could be of Scott, but no telling how old it is or what. He looks better bald. Now we pretend they’re going to make everyone shave their heads. Seriously? Is there anyone who thinks this is really happening? Anyone? The new female sous chef drags a barber’s chair in and I didn’t catch her name and I don’t care. Andi? Oh, she already shaved her head, ha ha. Clemenza claims to not have seen that coming, so…I guess he’s not so bright. Several people volunteer to shave their heads too, and Scott really does it! What?! He was so cute! Wow. OK, I figured this was fake, but I didn’t think they would actually shave any heads. A woman actually goes through with it, which is super crazy. Scott picks on the blonde girl who of course has been talking about how she won’t shave her head. Some producer cues Ramsey so he can appear and curse at Scott. So what about the first two people? I am floored at the balls of this show. 

Cook your signature dish. Woo. The opening credits are a Vegas magic show or whatever. It’s lame like it always is. Ramsey looks like he’s about to start laughing. It’ll be men vs. women again. They have 45 minutes to cook. Several girls have brought hair elastics to pull their hair back with, so I guess they are genre savvy sort of. Blonde girl lights something on fire and messes up her shoes stomping it out.

Ramsey points out the two people who got their heads shaved are not around…because they’re Scott’s friends. Ha! OK, you got me. That was a good one. And Andi of course is not really bald. Ramsey is looking for “his” head chef, for Gordon Ramsey’s Steaks in Vegas, as if all those other years were different. I guess “executive chef of a restaurant I own” is somehow different from “my head chef of a restaurant with my name on it”. You also get $250,000, which is a nice chunk of change.

Robyn serves seared striped bass over fennel. It looks pretty good and tastes good. Don serves “Southwestern saltimbocca”, which is too big a portion and makes Ramsey cough. He makes the girl eat it, and lets her spit it out when it sucks. So obviously the girls win that one. Tiffany: lamb schnitzel. I guess it has breading but then too much sauce so it’s soggy. Guy: pan seared striped bass with chocolate miso sauce. But before he describes it, he says it isn’t right and then tells Ramsey not to eat it because he wouldn’t serve it. Ramsey tastes a little sauce and then says they both suck. No points. Meanwhile, Clemenza has been coughing up a lung in the background. He doesn’t look very good. He claims to be fine, but he looks kind of pale. Roshni, who is tiny, serves coriander-crusted rack of lamb. Delicious. Royce (seriously?) made pan-seared grouper. He cooks for the runner-up of the first season. Interesting. Also delicious so points for all. Danielle (blonde girl) makes some kind of pasta, and Justin (cute) makes…crab cakes, maybe, and Justin gets a point while Danielle fails. I don’t know, they don’t really talk about it. So now it’s tied (of course). Kimmie makes “fisherman’s trio” which looks like it’s all fried maybe? At least it’s all the same color. Brian makes dessert and also fails. Barbie (soggy potatoes) and Chris (bitter and burnt). Briana (good duck) and Patrick (also good). So still a tie. Dana: pan seared scallops. And she did it right, so SOMEONE learned to do that before they came. About time. Tavon: shrimp, scallops, and crab, with pasta and sauce. It looks messy, and there’s too much balsamic vinegar. Girls are up by one. Chris becomes our designated asshole by claiming it’s a “proven” fact that men are better chefs than women. Sorry, “females”. There’s one every year. Christina: molasses braised pork chop, which is great. Clemenza finally goes up, and serves a stuffed veal chop. Aren’t the girls up by one? So…if Christina’s food was good, then they’ve already won. Clemenza! Too much truffle oil! So the women win, as anyone with simple math figured out a minute ago. Men have to clean both kitchens. Tavon is wearing white skinny jeans and does not want to wash dishes. Women get a steak BBQ with two previous winners. 

Rock and Dave are nice, and kiss up to the women because they’re not stupid. The men bitch about cleaning. Clemenza is deficient in math because he thinks he should have gotten his point, even though the women still would have won. Afterwards they study, while the women sort of study and then get really off topic. Robyn is irritated they’re not focused. I believe scallops are compared to a penis.

Every chef gets new knives, which is a pretty sweet gift. The men seem to be fine, while the women are more nervous. This is the 125th dinner service. Wow. Briana! Name the entrees! Fail. She can’t even name one. Just kidding, after commercial she names them all. The announcer claims the restaurant is “booked solid”, as if these people are real customers and not the crew’s friends or whatever.

Roshni brings up scallops that look OK, but for some reason she’s brought up three when one portion is five. Oops. Then the ones she brings are raw. Why isn’t Dana making scallops? The men can’t find anchovies for the salad. Well really Royce can’t find them. Guy says he should get them himself, but Royce blames Guy because I guess Guy prepped that station. Roshni finally brings up more scallops, which are still raw, so Ramsey kicks her out. Barbie does a better job so they’re moving things. Royce finds anchovies but then someone brings up raw pigeon. That would be Tavon, who has claimed to be an executive chef. 

One hour in and the men haven’t served anything yet. I guess a couple of guys skipped ahead to the next table. Justin also claims sabotage, because the scallops were sliced poorly or something, and that’s Tavon’s fault too. They are pretty bad. Brian says “Tavon treated those scallops like a homeless wreck”, which makes no sense at all. Tavon is not properly sorry and is kicked out. 

The women have picked up, so now everyone has to get entrees together. Christina’s Wellington is so raw the dough isn’t even done. She claims with baking you can’t tell until the end if it’s done. They replace the pastry on a bunch of Wellingtons, which helps somehow, but now they’ll be 15 minutes. Whoops. Royce talks about himself in the third person and makes appetizers, sort of, except for the part where the pasta is raw. He gets kicked out too. So that’s about 90 minutes and three chefs kicked out. He claims to be the best.

The men try to bring up onion tarts that are raw too. Really? I can tell if my baking is done. Ramsey kicks all of them out. Sad. What was that about men being better chefs? The women have stalled out on entrees and haven’t served any yet. Ramsey shuts down everything. So, one team only served appetizers while one team didn’t serve a single table. That hasn’t happened in a while. 

The men were the losing team tonight, obviously. Go nominate two people. Obviously, Tavon and Royce get put up right away. Royce claims he was sabotaged by Guy’s not prepping anchovies. Clemenza briefly campaigns for Don, as he didn’t do much during dinner service. He says he was on entrees, so he didn’t have anything to do and couldn’t prove himself. Tavon tries to throw others under the bus, but he doesn’t seem to be doing well. 

Tavon is the first nominee. The second nominee is Don, surprisingly. Ramsey says that is a crap consensus. Tavon and Royce! You are up for elimination. See, that’s why I enjoy it. Even if the contestants try to plot and get rid of people who didn’t really screw up that much, Ramsey usually cuts through the bullshit and nominates whoever he feels like. Tavon says he was like a prep cook, and Ramsey says he’s a dishwasher. He knows he wasn‘t that good. Royce says he really tried and was sabotaged. He throws Guy under the bus. Guy says he forgot the anchovies, but that’s not really sabotaged. Ramsey is disappointed in everyone. Royce! Back in line! Tavon! Get out! Tavon is kind of embarrassed to be the first out, but he’s looking forward to seeing Royce get kicked out next week. Don laughs because he didn’t have to go up for elimination. Guy vows revenge. Robyn calls the men “bitches” and declares victory. 

Next time: Which is tomorrow! People get yelled at, and somehow Royce gets hit in the face and bleeds. The girls scream at each other. Business as usual.

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