Project Runway 9/22/11--"Image Is Everything" summary

Previously on Project Runway: for once we didn’t have a team challenge. The contestants were tasked with making an outfit for a “real woman” based only on the input of boyfriends or husbands. Olivier freaks out at the thought of having to dress an old fat man, and then freaks out at having to dress a woman with boobs. All of that, though, is for naught because he ends up in the middle. Josh wins, because he made a nice dress that was boring. The client wanted boring. It’s not exactly great because it felt like they gave him extra points because he usually is very tacky. Bryce made a pretty OK dress, but he is boring and I guess the judges aren’t interested in his finale collection, so even though I think his dress is perfectly fine he is eliminated. Eh. (click for more)

It seems that Josh is now alone in his apartment. He talks about surviving. Josh does not look good with stubble. Anya says everyone left is one of her friends. Olivier started well, but has gotten lost. He says he needs to find his confidence again.

Heidi says “image is everything”. Field trip! They end up at a concert venue, with Tim and a Garnier person. Tim talks about music and fashion, and Rolling Stone magazine. They’re going to put an unsigned band, The Sheepdogs, on the cover of the magazine. Cool. Their challenge is to make an iconic style and image for this band. The winner gets an “advertorial” in Marie Claire, probably an ad for Garnier, and also in Rolling Stone, plus the band will wear the clothes to a Rolling Stone event. Teams. TEAMS. AGAIN. I am so sick of team challenges. Team One is Olivier, Viktor, Kimberly, and Josh. Team Two is Laura, Anthony Ryan, Bert, and Anya. Laura whines that she’s always paired up with Bert and she never gets a break. Whatever. Now we have to rehash the last fight Anthony Ryan and Bert had. Also whatever. Now the band comes out, and of course, it’s all boys so everyone freaks out. They seem to be a classic rock type of band, and they sound pretty good. Olivier winces when they start playing, and puts his hands over his ears like they’re too loud for him. They aren’t very fashion forward, particularly, but I think everyone has ideas of funky rock and roll stuff. Since there are four people on each team, and four people in the band, each designer has to pick out one musician. They all have to go together, of course. Viktor doesn’t want to match everyone.

Anya wants to name her team “Team Harmony”. Josh insists they be called “Team Untitled”. Harmony all agrees on who gets which band member. Untitled also appears to agree, but Olivier starts talking about how menswear is about fit and he got the biggest guy. None of them are that big. Well, at least he’s consistent. Anya is making a caftan? Anthony Ryan says that Bert lived through the Haight-Ashbury era and has experienced the aesthetic they’re looking for, but he might not remember it.

$300 and 30 minutes. One of the guys asked for red denim, and there isn’t any, so Viktor is just going with regular denim. Laura is going to dye it. Anya is running around. Olivier is really flailing. Tim is irritated and says he has to have his stuff cut in less than a minute. Laura finds that she has $450 worth of stuff. She lucks out because Bert has lots of money left over. Rather than be grateful, she claims she never bashes him, and then in interview rolls her eyes at how he didn’t buy enough fabric.

Olivier is still complaining about how his musician is bigger than his mannequin, and none of those guys were oversized. They weren’t skinny twigs, but they’re not heavy, I don’t think. Listen to me, arguing like he can hear me. Sigh. Anya says it’s just a reality that you will have to make clothes for people who aren’t the same size as the mannequin. I love that she’s chastising him, but in such a nice way.

Eeeeee! Project Runway All Stars commercial! Austin! Mondo! Sweet Pea! Michael…Costello? Rami! Austin has a little skinny mustache like an 1880’s villain. Hee! Can you tell I’m excited?

Josh thinks this will end up being an individual competition. He fits pants to himself in the mirror, but only one leg, so everyone rolls their eyes at his black briefs and hairy legs. When your legs are that hairy, and your chest is silky smooth, it confuses people. I’m just saying. Anya tests red dye for the denim, by putting a little piece in a red Solo cup, and then in the next scene she drinks out of a red Solo cup. I mean, I assume it’s not the same one, but that was poor editing. She and Viktor talk smack about Olivier and how he has the same color palette of gray that he always does, and about how he has trouble working with clients.

Tim time! He brings the Garnier guy to talk to them about the band guys. All of them seemed to have long hair and beards, but it works with their sound. The singer refuses to cut his beard at all. This whole thing is a long commercial for Garnier products. Viktor makes men’s shirts all the time for himself and his friends. Day one is over.

Kimberly has no experience with menswear. Bert didn’t buy enough fabric, sounds like. Lots of work to do. Bert dyed something blue, but it turned out kind of purple. He likes it, though. Laura says that it’s not a collection, so if Bert’s look sucks, she’s not going to tell him to fix it.

Tim time! For real this time. The band is here too. Laura’s red dye actually worked, but the band guy and Tim both think it’s kind of light. There’s a tank top too, but the guy says he has a hairy chest so it can’t be too low cut. Anya is on the right track. Anthony Ryan has two prints for his band member to pick from, which is nice. Bert has the lead singer, and is showing him striped jeans and a floral? Huh? Lots of purple. It’s girly. Tim points out he’s not saying “shirt” but “blouse”. He doesn’t seem to be doing well.

Team Untitled’s turn. Viktor is adding crispiness. Actually he’s distressing the denim. Tim says not to make it look cheap. And a leather jacket with fringe. Kimberly has a plaid for a tunic, but her guy wants a different fabric. Turns out Anya lent Kimberly that fabric. Weird. Josh has an exposed zipper on the pants. Tim points out it will draw attention to his crotch, and Josh is like “Uh…yes? And?” Josh pretends to be freaking out about it, but his band member likes it. Olivier has picked out a print with swans on it. Swans. Really? He says from far away you can’t tell. And now that I’m looking, I don’t think his guy is fat. Is it just me? Is it just because I’m bigger than he is and so he doesn’t look big to me? I think he looks hot. I mean, he seems tall, but proportional. Olivier thinks he can’t give the guy everything he wants because then why did you have someone else design things for you? He tells the poor guy he doesn’t want to make him look any bigger, because “you are big.” Tim looks concerned and puts hand to forehead. Olivier doesn’t know if he can finish the pieces before the fitting, and he says it’s because the guy is bigger than the mannequin, and Tim is not having any of it. Ewan, I think you are hot. Don’t listen to Olivier.

Two hours until the band comes back for fitting. Bert redyes everything because Ewan doesn’t like purple. Poor Ewan. Bert made a pile of girly purple and Olivier said he was big. Olivier tells us he doesn’t want to dress plus sized people and maybe he is ignorant but he doesn’t know how to do it. Josh is concerned because it’s a mess, but Anthony Ryan reminds him that they’re going to be judged individually.

Fitting. Bert’s tie-dye is weird. Not necessarily girly, but it doesn’t fit this style. Kimberly has to change up her skill set for menswear. And none of them seem to be able to fit pants. Olivier has failed, pretty much. The pants don’t fit properly and are pretty tight, but bunch strangely at the knees.

Josh is trying to talk smack about Olivier to Anya when Olivier walks in. Josh grins like an idiot and asks how he’s doing. Olivier thinks everyone should leave him alone. Viktor has fringe. Everyone needs more time.

Back at home Kimberly and Anya both don’t understand how they’re so far behind. Bert says that since these guys are from Canada they probably don’t wear dashikis or whatever. Olivier is very worried.

Day of the show. Tim tells them that the band will be here soon. Instead of walking the runway, the band will perform two songs in front of the judges, I guess with a costume change in between. Team Harmony will go first. Viktor is pissed that he started making fringe first, and now Josh is making fringe too. Laura has fringe too? What is with the fringe? It’s very 60’s up in here. Ewan is sitting on a stool in his boxers and T-shirt waiting on Olivier. He jokes that he’s going to go out naked, with just his guitar to cover him. He may need a sock. Hee! When he finally gets his shirt, it doesn’t fit right. Olivier claims he doesn’t have time issues, he just keeps working and using all his time. Kimberly’s caftan was too close-fitting, and now it looks like a soccer jersey. Hot makeup guy doesn’t seem very keen on putting makeup on these guys. Bert makes Ewan braid his hair in two braids. Sigh. Anya thinks she’s clearly in the bottom with Kimberly.

Heidi tries to throw the devil horns but she is clearly a poser. Guest judge today is Adam Lambert, possibly one of the most perfect guest judge/challenge matchups ever. Sounds like there will be one winner, so only one outfit will have to be work to this live Rolling Stone event or whatever. Team Harmony is up. Anthony Ryan: white pants, a brown mottled print sleeveless top with long fringe down the back. The pants are flared. Anya: jeans, I think, and a sort of caftan top with a V neck. Anya hates it. The guy has a very thin headband, too. Laura: red pants, a purple jacket with fringe on the elbows, and a white tank top with red splotches. She mentions he looks “thin”. Huh? Anyway, more fringe. Bert: purple pants with a vertical stripe, and a purple vest and a top. It’s certainly a specific look, I just don’t think it’s the right look for this guy.

Team Untitled. Josh: white pants with an exposed zipper and big brown pockets on the back. A vest with fringe, and a top with a print. It’s super 60’s. Kimberly: brown flared corduroys, and that shirt that looks like a soccer jersey. Viktor: leather jacket with fringe, jeans that are torn up at the knees, and a black and white print shirt. And a thick headband. Olivier: white pants, but they fit horribly in the back, and the shirt with the swan print. To his credit, from far away it looks like paisley. There are big pockets on the front in a plain light blue color.

Team Harmony gets grilled first. Anya says they were going for “modern Jimi Hendrix”. Yeah…that didn’t happen. She responds that it wasn’t a “typical” team challenge where they needed to have a cohesive team feel so they didn’t collaborate. Nina says it’s expected and literal. Be creative. Like Adam! Laura dyed everything. Her guy says he likes the retro outfit, and so do the judges. It’s not so literal, which works. Kors doesn’t like the tie-dye because it’s bloody looking, but he thinks she could have pushed it further. Nina hates the jacket and thinks it looks like a woman’s jacket. Ewan says Bert’s tunic thing isn’t his style, but Kors and Adam both like that it’s not a costume. Nina loves the braids and says he looks like a Viking. It’s a look. Eh. Anya’s look is deemed “Pocahontas”. It’s the headband. He liked the idea of the look. Oohhhhh…the pants are splitting down the back. Bad. Adam is giggling at all of Kors’s quips. “Reggae Jesus! Suede lobster bib! Brady Bunch dashiki!” Adam joins in with “8th grade production of Hair”. Anthony Ryan wanted fringe and a sleeveless shirt. But the shirt is so polished it looks like a woman’s blouse. Anya has started freaking out.

Team Untitled. Olivier has to go first. Ewan likes that he went simple but he doesn’t like the pants. Heidi digs further and it turns out Ewan told Olivier he likes dark colors, and the pants are light. Heidi is bored. Adam and Nina hate the shirt; Adam would like a more flattering cut, and Nina says it’s too feminine. Kors points out that Olivier has menswear experience and should have done better. Heidi starts asking about why the sleeves are pushed up and could he roll them down? No, there’s no cuff on them. They are too short and they just kind of end. Olivier tries to argue about how Ewan is too big for the mannequin, but there weren’t arms on any of the mannequins, so that excuse doesn’t work for the sleeve. Kimberly…I didn’t notice, but she put buttons down the front of the shirt. Sigh. He likes the pants, but the shirt is not so good. The color combo is terrible, and Kimberly says she’s happy he’s in a shirt and pants at all. Adam has the best comment, which is that this guy looks like Shaggy from Scooby Doo. YES. Yes he does. Viktor made a sort of Western shirt, and he knows the jacket is kind of cliché but he tried to put some armor on it by braiding the fringe, I think. Everyone loves the jacket. It looks expensive and has movement. And the jeans fit very well. Josh put his band member in stretch denim with an exposed zipper. Yeah. He knows that Tim didn’t like the zipper, but it’s rock and roll and he would be “attracted to that kind of thing, as a viewer”. Adam laughs at him because, seriously, “as a viewer”? The print on the shirt is like an old Indian blanket. Heidi also likes an exposed crotch zipper. But there are too many things going on. On the side of the pants, down by his foot, there is a weird suede inset with buttons. And the huge back pockets ruin his ass. Kors likes the fact that the vest has fringe sleeves, where the fringe is attached at the shoulder and then again at the wrist. They like the top too.

Olivier, Anya, and Kimberly were in the bottom. Adam hated Anya’s outfit. They know she usually has great taste. Olivier, however, designs menswear and should have done much better. Kimberly’s outfit belongs in the dollar bin. But her pants are great. Josh’s design had some great elements, and the outfit was the sexiest. Viktor also had a sexy design with a fantastic jacket, according to Kors, but Heidi didn’t think he looked hot. Bert made something more modern, and he had a distinctive look.

Bert is in. Viktor is the winner! He’s so pleased. Laura is in. Josh is in. Anthony Ryan is in. Anya is in. She tells everyone in the Scrap Bin she’s freaking out, and Josh uses that as an excuse to feel her up. In the interest of seeing how fast her heart is beating, of course. Down to Kimberly and Olivier. Kimberly is in. Olivier doesn’t think he deserves to go right now. He wants to just do high fashion now. Yeah, that’s probably best.

Garnier photo shoot. The photoshoot involves the whole band, but only Viktor’s outfit shows up.
Next week: retro things, Anya loses her shopping money and will have to use only muslin, Laura bitches about Bert but Tim questions her taste level. Clicky clicky

Top Chef: Just Desserts 9/21/11--"Make a Splash" summary

Previously on “Top Chef: Just Desserts”: one of the best challenges I think I’ve seen on this show. Recreate the “Land of Pure Imagination” from the movie “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory”. The first room with the chocolate waterfall. The results were very fun and colorful and impressive. Katzie won, for making super-cute carrots out of carrot cake, and then covering them in chocolate and burying them in the ground. Two people were eliminated: Craig, because he’s been flailing and he made sad, sad giant gummy bears; and Melissa, for bad donuts. In other news, I just read today that regular “Top Chef” will begin with 29 contestants. TWENTY. NINE. Unless they get rid of half of them in the first episode it’s going to be a very long season. (click for more)

Katzie sits on the counter and brags that she likes being clever. Sally (who is 31, let’s be clear) interviews that Katzie is young and inexperienced.

For today’s Quickfire, there is a small cute Asian man with Gail. Several people recognize him as Pichet Ong, a pastry chef. They must make an original candy bar. Of course, Orlando says he owns a chocolate company and has always dreamed of making his own candy bar one day. You OWN the company? Why haven’t you just DONE that yet? The winner gets immunity.

1 ¾ hours to cook. Why such a random time? I suppose we’ll never know. Carlos runs into Rebecca with a cart. Actually, it looks like he was putting something down and the cart got away from him. Maybe he shoved it away from him and it hit her. Of course, it hits her busted arm so she’s out of it for a minute. Orlando says she’s “sensitive” and he doesn’t like crying, but he’s good at making people cry. Ass. Matthew is making a mold to be original. Carlos has chocolate, peanut butter, and banana. Sally goes for Asian to kiss up to the judge. Katzie’s caramel won’t set. Chris is making two candy bars, to kiss up and be an overachiever. Poor Matthew can’t get it to set up and is kind of flailing. Rebecca tries to pour liquid nitrogen over her stuff, but she loses her grip on the canister and knocks all her stuff on the floor. Orlando offers to help her, which doesn’t match up with pretty much anything else he’s ever said. He says he felt bad and that he IS human. I don’t trust it. Rebecca promises him a keg. Seriously, he’s promising her he’s totally done with his stuff, she only has one more, just keep going…like he’s a nice person.

Katzie: “Caramel Cove“: brown butter and caramelized banana curd, ganache with dark chocolate. It didn’t set up right, but she pretends that’s on purpose. Carlos: “Choconana”: peanut butter crisp with fudge cake, banana pudding and chocolate pop rocks. Incidentally, they seem to have had time to print everyone wrappers with the names on them. Sally: “Who’s It?”: peanut butter, chocolate, black forbidden rice, cocoa nibs, and milk chocolate ganache. Matthew: “M Pastry Bar”: hazelnut feuillitine praline with orange vanilla chocolate crème anglaise. Crunchy, I guess. They notice it’s not finished properly. Orlando: “Berry Blast”: blackberry port jam, creamy chocolate ganache and chocolate. The jam is pretty liquid. Chris: “Lil’ Darling”: white chocolate with banana caramel, and milk chocolate with chocolate ganache. So there are two pieces. Amanda: “Royal Chocolate Bar”: Earl Gray tea ganache with bitter orange caramel. Interesting. Megan: “Ginger Buckeye Blast”: peanuts, peanut butter, butter caramel, ginger and feuillitine. Rebecca: “fruit on the bottom” granola, panna cotta, orange marmalade, vanilla, and white chocolate. Weird.

Matthew didn’t have time to finish, and Katzie’s bar melted in his hands. Sally had great ingredients and rice, and Rebecca’s bar had panna cotta and was very interesting. The winner is Sally. She’s glad to be safe.

For today’s Elimination challenge, everyone must draw popsicles. Yeah. Teams. Again. Every single Elimination challenge this season has been a team challenge. Anyway, today’s teams are Carlos, Sally, and Amanda; Orlando, Chris and Matthew; and Rebecca, Megan, and Katzie. Yeah, that’s not uneven or anything. Amanda doesn’t know what a water park is. They will be at Raging Waters, serving “frozen treats” to the people.

4 ½ hours to cook. Rebecca is excited about her team. They’re going to do straightforward stuff, not plated. Something is tart. Orlando’s team, is, of course, going to be refined and “different”. Sally is doing what the team wants, because she has the immunity and knows if she has a crazy idea that backfires, someone else will go home. Orlando says he learned to swim basically by being thrown in the deep end. That explains a lot. There are only two ice cream machines, so now they’re having a fight about it. Carlos and Sally got there first, so Katzie is pissed that one team is hogging the machines. Sally thinks this is not a problem, because it’s a competition. That’s pretty rude, though. Chris hears all the bitching and says he’s going with plan B, which is…a Pacojet? Apparently you put the mix into metal cans, then freeze it solid. Then you stir it in the machine later, to make the ice cream. This way Chris can avoid the ice cream machines today.

Johnny shows up as Carlos is hollering that Katzie can use the machine for 25 minutes, until he needs it again. Orlando is making a root beer float ice cream sandwich. That could be good. Katzie has some kind of spumoni on a stick. She mentions something about a restaurant called Spumoni Gardens, only to discover that Johnny knows everyone there. Oops. Amanda is making funnel cake. Huh. She’d better plan that well. Johnny asks about the ice cream machine drama, and as Sally is explaining that yeah, there’s only two machines and it’s a frozen treat challenge, she looks over and Katzie’s sorbet is leaking all over the floor. She left the hatch open at the bottom. Chris seems to be making an ice sculpture. Carlos didn’t have enough molds, so he has to quick freeze the ice cream with liquid nitrogen, then take it out of the molds. Chris takes the canister to use, and then Carlos and Chris have a fight about it because now it’s empty. But Chris’s idea is to freeze the Pacojet canisters so solid they can leave them on the floor overnight and nothing will melt.

The girls discuss bathing suits and shorts and what to wear. Everyone is wearing casual shorts and their chef’s jackets. Weird. 90 minutes to set up at the park. The ice cream Pacojets didn’t melt, which I thought they would, so good for them. Matthew has a water gun. Hee. Amanda knows she has a time-sensitive dish.

When service starts it is very busy. Dannielle is here today, and Pichet is back. Chris: passion mixer with ginger fizz and cilantro infusion. There’s also sorbet, and it’s poured through the ice block. Sticky. Orlando: chocolate vanilla root beer surprise. I think it’s root beer foam, ice cream, brownie…a cookie…nutmeg. It’s not summery. Orlando tries to argue that he was being creative, so it’s not a real float (which would be refreshing). Johnny says maybe then he shouldn’t call it a “root beer float”. Matthew: strawberry shortcake with sautéed strawberries and ice cream. But when they ask for his dish, he leaves to plate it, so the judges get bored. The ice cream is gummy, and the strawberries are too warm.

Katzie sprays people with lavender body spray. Rebecca: lemon snicker doodle ice cream sandwich. Lemon ice cream, yum. Dannielle likes the old-school wax paper wrapper. Megan: strawberry soda float with white peach and basil sorbet. Katzie: baked Alaska with a spumoni twist. It’s cherry ice cream with pistachios, on a stick. Thankfully Johnny likes it.

Carlos: Cap’n Crunch ice cream bar with white chocolate and Fruity Pebbles. And pop rocks in the bottom of the dish. Not refreshing. Sally: berry smoothie with white chocolate rice crispies. Amanda: funnel cake with coconut sorbet and pineapple jam. She’s worried because of course she’s going last, and so it’s been sitting. Why didn’t they have her go first? She admits she should have insisted on going first.

Commercial interlude: after judging, everyone strips down to their bathing suits and goes down the water slides. Most of them, some of them just sit in the pool. Katzie loses her shorts, but has a suit on underneath.

Judges’ table. Katzie, Megan, and Rebecca get called. They are the winning team. Everything was nostalgic, but upgraded to modern tastes. The winner is Katzie. Gail makes them call back the other two teams. Ouch. But good for Katzie!

First off, they ask Sally if she played it safe since she had immunity. She says no way, except that she’s told us and everyone else that she did what the team wanted. The team wanted to concentrate on other things. Carlos’s popsicle was too sweet. Gail calls it “the dessert equivalent of a lobe of fois gras”. It needed something sour to cut the sugar. The funnel cake failed, and was too hard and cold. They ask why she didn’t make it fresh, and she says she had made it, and then they asked for Carlos and Sally so she just stood there. Johnny thinks she should have spoken up. Orlando, why do you think your team is here? “I’m uncertain why my team’s here.” Of course you are. None of them thought about how their desserts would be consumed. Everyone had a plate and a fork and it was too annoying. Chris’s drink was not refreshing, but sticky. Orlando really shouldn’t have called his dish a “root beer float”. But he says he loved his dish. He made root beer ice cream, from scratch, so Johnny thinks he should have just made his own root beer. That probably would have been pretty good. Matthew stands behind his teammates and himself also. Pichet would like it in a restaurant, but not at a water park. Strawberry shortcake with ice cream is a good summer dessert though.

Some of the chefs didn’t think about the environment they were in. Carlos’s popsicle was too sugary and heavy. Amanda had a good idea, but the execution failed. Orlando didn’t understand why he was in the bottom. Apparently if you say “root beer float” you need bubbles and liquid. Chris’s drink wasn’t cold enough.

Matthew, Sally, and Chris are all deemed safe and sent back to the Stew Room. Amanda is sent home. She’s humbled, but still goes and shakes everyone’s hand. She seems to be at peace, because she knows she took a risk. She’s a little choked up, because she had fun and I think she‘s going to miss everyone.

Next week: BEASTIE BOYS! Crazy savory ingredients. Beer ice cream. I think I see Marcel. Someone isn’t creative. Clicky clicky

Project Runway 9/15/11--"What Women Want" summary

Previously on Project Runway: the producers decided they were more interested in drama then actual design and made a good challenge, the “create your own textile” challenge, into yet another team challenge. It just allows loud drama queens to take over and irritate everyone. Even when they apologize. I’m sorry Josh couldn’t visit his mother when she was sick, and I’m sorry he is still affected by that, but he is being an ass and that is not an excuse. Also you can’t put in every interview, sound bite, and clip of his being an ass and then throw in “I couldn’t say goodbye to my mom when she died” and expect everyone to suddenly like the guy. Anyway, in the end, Anya won, even though all the textiles were black and white and her dress was cute but not earth-shattering. Becky went home, and seemed to be OK with it. Because when it comes down to the loud drama queen who insisted on designing horrid prints that ruined most of the looks on his team, versus the woman who designs boring clothes but sews them very well, then obviously you get rid of the boring person. (click for more)

Bryce says he’s the only one left who hasn’t won. He wants to prove everyone wrong. Josh has exhausted himself emotionally, but he says he’s in a better place today. I’m sure Bert will be glad to hear it. Anya thinks they’re all friends now. Bert writes on their chalkboard that it’s raining men. I wish.

Today they have “not their usual models”. A bunch of men walk in, and everyone flips out because of course no one does menswear. Josh brags that he does menswear, but then CLAIMS that he is worried about the size of the men, because a larger person takes up more fabric, and that costs more money. PLEASE. You don’t want to design for fat people. Just say it, everyone else does. But don’t try out this BS about money. Anya has immunity, and she is so relieved. Everyone picks out the man they want. Anya of course picks the hottest one. The skinnier ones go first, as always happens. Olivier says that all that’s left is “old fat people. And that is fine, but not when I’m making clothes.” Sigh. You know what, though? I am willing to bet no one will care. If it had been women up there, everyone would jump all over it and how dare he say that and everyone is beautiful and what an ass and whatever. Say men are old and fat and your response is a shrug and a “Yeah…guess they are.” That’s BS too. Heidi sends them to Tim.

Tim tells them that “while it’s true they are your clients…(Bert: “Uh oh.”) you are not creating a menswear look for them.” They’re making a look for the significant others. Everyone cheers. The men will give directions to the designers. Laura prays for a golddigger. Tim promises them that they have asked the women themselves for sizes and measurements, since the boys can’t be expected to remember that kind of thing. True, it is confusing. The women will walk the runway. Also, a two day challenge!

30 minutes to consult. Lots of shots of men who have no idea about anything the designers ask them. Well, at least Bert’s guy knows he wants her boobs displayed. Oh, Josh’s guy wants simple and tasteful. Ha! Bryce is asked for “cutesy? But elegant? But girly? If you could like, mash all those together”. And that she wears pink. Anthony Ryan’s guy has a dress in mind, which was her favorite dress and he apparently lost the dress at some point. Aww. Olivier doesn’t like women having boobs. Because they get in the way. His model has curves and he is irritated.

Shopping. The guys come shopping too. Awesome. Some guys are helpful but not all. Olivier asks Tim what he knows about DD boobs. Hee. He doesn’t know what cup sizes mean. Tim says it’s a bra size but he doesn’t have any personal experience with boobs. Love it.

The women are coming in later for a fitting. The guys are staying? Are they going to help? Huh? Everyone puts tape on the dummies. Bert’s guy says the mannequin doesn’t a have a big enough chest. Then he demonstrates how he motorboats his wife sometimes. OK, that was funny. Olivier continues to freak out. Josh tells his guy to get his wife drunk before she shows up. Someone jokes about the fabric cutter. The women show up. Laura dresses Barbie-type women, are you surprised? But that consult goes well. Anya has given herself a challenge again. Viktor’s girl comes in wearing pretty much what he’s designing. Josh for some reason has metal squares, which no one likes, so he has to put them away. “When Josh said ‘simple’, I didn’t realize it was like, SIMPLE”. He doesn’t know how to design simple. The other consult that isn’t going that well is Olivier’s, because she doesn’t like the fabric he picked out. Also his girl is the one client with ideas who is telling her designer what to do. Olivier is sticking to his guns.

Bryce misses his boyfriend, and it’s hard for him to work with this couple that really loves each other. Anthony Ryan says everyone feels bad for Bryce, who feels down, but he can’t make mistakes anymore. Also they were much nicer about it than when they were saying stuff about Becky.

Day two. Are Anya and Laura sharing a bed? Bryce has hot pink, and wonders aloud if he should make the whole dress out of pink. Who knows? The couples show up again, for some reason. Bryce asks if he can maybe not use all hot pink in the dress. Permission granted! Olivier is still arguing with his client, who sort of is listening.

Tim time! Viktor is pretty much done, and it is very cute. Tim loves it. Anya has one shoulder and arm, and she cut something wrong, and Tim is slightly concerned but doesn’t say so. Tim asks Bert’s client if she’s OK with how deep the dress cuts in front. He turns to the husband and says, “I won’t ask you, you know.” and then he rolls his eyes. Hee! She says she’s OK though. Olivier’s colors are deemed “crayon-y”. Tim tells Laura’s client she’s gone Barbie with her shoe, but this makes her excited instead of concerned. He just stands there and stares at Kimberly’s outfit. Anthony Ryan is doing a good job. Josh has a simple dress for once, and Tim is so impressed, he tells the clients that Josh usually is just shy of a float in a parade. Hee. Josh shares how he talked her out of wearing a bra, and how she doesn‘t need one, and Tim agrees. Tim says “It, it would be different…if you weren’t…firm.” Ha! Bryce’s pink looks good on the girl but it’s very neon.

Bryce scraps his dress with the gray side panels and plans a completely pink dress. Olivier continues to freak out. Day of challenge, there is still a ton of flailing going on. Olivier’s client says the pants are riding up. You can’t see it, but she can feel it I guess. He doesn’t like all this talking back. He explains to his client that he would love to make something she’d love, but it’s a competition first. Hot makeup guy is all over the place. Not like, flailing, just that he gets to talk a lot today. Olivier forgets to take his client to hair and makeup and Tim has to come get him. Laura has been talking smack about pretty much everyone, but none of it is interesting or funny. Tim tells everyone that all the women are going to get free jewelry from Piperlime. Olivier has to find his client to put the outfit on her. OK, that is justified. You can’t go off to the lounge and hide this close to time. Tim collects everyone and says, “Today, I am playing the role of a large and stinging mallet.” I mean…that makes absolutely no sense but I’m pretty sure that’s what he said. Tim collects everyone, and puts them in the hallway. He has to tell Kimberly and Olivier they must stop sewing.

A commercial for “Project Accessory”. How are you going to compare, say, a necklace to a pair of shoes? Because you can’t really ask jewelry designers to make purses.

Guest judge is Malin Akerman, actress. Laura: long green dress with a sweetheart neckline and a swag of fabric across one arm. And a weird handkerchief hem. Anthony Ryan: red skirt with a white belt, and a black v-neck with red trim. It’s very simple and cute. Bert: simple dress with a deep V. it’s in a black and gray print, and the skirt fits weirdly. It’s short and too tight, I think. Josh: black dress with a full skirt and a high neckline. And a plunging back, and bright blue shoes. Bryce: hot pink sheath dress with low pockets. There is no back, just some straps. It looks really wrinkled, though. Kimberly: short black skirt, and a raspberry one-shouldered top with lots of ruffles. It’s not bad. Although, girl has a booty and the skirt is tight. Olivier: black pants and a one-shouldered top in beige. It is well tailored but the pants are pretty boring. Anya: long dress in a mottled black and white print. It’s supposed to be a “kimono wrap dress”, but really it’s one shoulder and sleeve, and the other arm bare, then a wide belt, then the opposite side of the skirt is long. The whole thing is trimmed in a sheer fabric. Viktor: full skirt in gray with a wide mustard stripe, and a navy blue short-sleeved top. The top has a sweetheart neckline and then is sheer.

Kimberly, Olivier, and Laura are safe. Anya, Josh, and Victor are the top. For some reason they’re doing this in two stages, so everyone else has to leave. Anya thinks this woman could wear this outfit to an opening or something. It’s memorable, and unique. Heidi likes the weird mullet hem. Nina hates the sleeve. And Malin says she would wear it, and keep the sleeve. Josh explains how he was so good at restraining himself. Heidi tells him to remember this. They love how simple it is, and elegant. Kors loves the bright shoes. Viktor’s outfit is fantastic. There’s a big colorful necklace, though, and I wish it wasn’t obscuring the top. This really is a cute outfit. Viktor also listened when his client suggested short sleeves. Kors makes noise about listening to your customer, and I call shenanigans, because every other time they say “don’t listen to your clients, you are the designer”.

Olivier claims to not have been freaking out. Bert says his client picked out her sketch out of his page of sketches. His client likes the dress. Heidi complements her boobs, and the dress is made wonderfully, but it’s too boring. Kors says it’s safe, but you could buy it anywhere. Nina says it’s tight, short, and shiny. “Just a couple inches longer!” “….no” Then Heidi pipes up “I have that problem too”. Oh honey, we know. Bryce wanted pink, or was told pink. Nina says there are too many details: pockets, open back with straps, belt, weird band at the hem of the skirt. The pockets are huge. Malin likes the pockets but it doesn’t fit perfectly. Kors says something about buffets? And the seams are all wonky. Anthony Ryan starts talking retro and vintage. They talk about how it’s her favorite dress. Heidi says it’s either very little girl, or very old lady. No it doesn’t. It’s retro, but it’s not that horrible. Nina doesn’t like the wide belt, and Anthony Ryan says it’s hiding a print he didn’t like. Kors says “ice skating superhero”. Whatever. He likes quirky, but he though Anthony Ryan should have gone for it then. Heidi accuses him of being safe and boring, although he argues that point briefly.

Bert’s client looked great, but they are bored with him. Really bored. Bryce sort of saved his dress with the color, but the dress didn’t fit properly and the pockets were huge. Many descriptions are thrown around for Anthony Ryan’s dress. None of them are pleasant. Josh did a good job editing himself. Yeah, but are we comparing him to himself? No, he must be compared to everyone else. In general they really love the dress. Anya’s dress didn’t need the sleeve, but it was the most Fashion. Viktor’s color combination was wonderful. But she was a little over accessorized.

Heidi says they had a hard time picking a winner. Anya is in. Josh wins. Eh. He makes everyone feel him up to see how hard his heart is pounding. Viktor is in. Bert is in, but not before he gets yelled at to step it up. Bryce is out. Huh. Well we should have seen it coming, with all the time they spent on how everyone was worried about him and so forth. Tim demands a hug before he leaves. He thought he was ready, and he still thinks he can do it. “I’m going to lock myself in my room, and listen to as much Lady Gaga as I can, and I’m going to just sketch and sketch and sketch until I have a genius collection.”

Next week: MORE TEAMS. Some random band. Menswear. And I think I just saw Adam Lambert. That might make up for having teams again. Clicky clicky

Top Chef: Just Desserts 9/14/11--"Pure Imagination" summary

Previously on “Top Chef: Just Desserts”: everyone pretended there would be a new gum flavor based off their Quickfire dessert, but that was sadly a lie. Craig won, though, so he got a bunch of money and immunity. Then everyone had to work in teams, AGAIN, to make a presentation to one of the Real Housewives for their restaurant anniversary. Many pink tables and roses ensued. Amanda was supposed to be the team leader but she was slightly ill and asked Chris to do all the talking. Resulting in everyone referring to it as “Chris’s team”. But then they won, so no one cared a whole lot. Nelson was sent home for making a plain lollipop with cotton candy on it. Orlando refused to feel bad for Craig when he got nailed by the judges, so now probably everyone will be pissed at Orlando. (click for more)

On the kitchen table is a note and a pile of VIP tickets. Gail says they need to go to the movies. Field trip! Amanda is still sickly so she welcomes the day off.

Everyone gets food. Matthew gets a variety of things, because he feels a Quickfire coming and knows he can use those ingredients. Everyone else is eating but he is not. They get to the theater and file in behind a row of people. There are shots of the people, and that one guy looks familiar. Anyway, the movie starts, and it’s “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory”. The proper one, with Gene Wilder, not that knock-off Johnny Depp nonsense. The chefs cheer. Katzie loves it. They keep showing that one guy with the glasses and the mutton chops and I am pretty sure I know who it is but just in case you don’t, I won’t spoil it for you. Amanda references the room with all the candy and the chocolate pool. Orlando mentions that the woman next to him is amazed he knows the words to the movie. When the movie ends, Gail shows up and everyone groans. They know something is coming. Gail says they’ve probably dreamt of living in that world, and that also she has four special guests to explain further. So four people get up, including the guy with the glasses and the woman that was next to Orlando. Finally they recognize the people: the original child actors from the movie. Veruca Salt, Mike Teevee, Violet Beauregarde, and Charlie Bucket. What’s really crazy is that all of them are recognizable; they still look like they did when they were kids. The only one that doesn’t is Charlie, and I think I’ve seen him before as an adult, which is why he looked familiar. They talk about seeing the garden for the first time. It was all really edible. And I know that they didn’t let the kids see the set before they were ready to shoot the scene. That way they could get a good realistic reaction shot of wonder. Charlie says the lickable wallpaper tasted like…wallpaper. Hee. Then Gail says the movie is 40 years old and I feel old for a minute. The contestants will be creating “Wonka’s World”. They have to make the dining room into the garden with the trees and mushrooms and chocolate pool. This is the best challenge. They’ll all work together. Veruca says something, and Rebecca is like “Please say it once!” so she says “I want it, and I want it now!” Hee.

One hour to plan. Chris wants them to split into a couple of teams: a “creative” team, and a construction team. I think. Somehow, the creative team will still make things? But the teams will work together to coordinate? I’m not sure how to interpret what he said other than “one team will have all the ideas and the other team will do what they’re told”. Katzie says you’re silly if you’ve never thought of doing this.

Back at the loft, the contestants are still planning. Rebecca says she makes a cupcake called “Veruca Salt”, and Chris is like, “I don’t want to stand in front of the judges and they say ‘I asked you for ‘pure imagination’ and you gave me a cupcake.’” That was rude. Chris seems to be bossing everyone around, and Katzie speaks up about it, because he’s dismissed her idea. They go to bed without us seeing what the final decision was.

13 hours to cook. The space is a good size, with a path and fake grass and fake trees. And some fake mushrooms. And a chocolate fountain. Amanda says she’s on the “creative team” with Chris, Orlando, and Matthew. She’s going to make her dessert, but also construct things. The production team is going to make their own desserts, and then help make things for the room. So what it sounds like, is that everyone has to make a plated dessert. Then they have to set up the room. The “creative team” has taken over the room, and the “production” team has been banned from having any input on what happens in the room. Production team members have to make their own stuff, and only then can they help with the room, and then only “help” and do what they’re told. It smells like Chris decided to be in charge, and didn’t trust some of the contestants to have good ideas. So he banished them to the other team. Craig is making giant gummy bears somehow. Chris is making a chocolate waterfall, even though I am pretty sure I already saw a fountain. It will be 6 feet tall and coated in chocolate. And functional. Sally is making orange dirt. She compares herself to Charlie. Katzie is grating carrots and says bringing thoughts to life is what she excels at. Orlando tells us he is responsible for tempering all the chocolate, and he explains how that works, but I’m guessing if you are interested you already know how that works. Rebecca notices that three people are working on the fountain, which Chris is going to claim as his own item. Carlos is making the wallpaper out of fruit leather. Nice. Craig’s gummy bear doesn’t set so it’s a giant blob. I don’t think he knows what he’s doing. Sally says he’s taking up all her time.

Johnny shows up to bother everyone. Orlando says he’s gone through 120 kilos. Johnny translates to pounds for everyone who doesn’t think in metric. That is 250 pounds. Johnny apparently is very jealous because he says nothing is holding them back except their creativity. Rebecca brings up her Veruca Salt cupcakes, because she’s apparently decided to do it anyway. She’s going to bake the cupcakes in chocolate eggs. Oo, that sounds good. Melissa is making whoopie pie flowers. Hee. And donut flowers. Johnny announces that two of them are going home tomorrow. Everyone freaks out.

Chris is worried about the waterfall. He says it’s because of time, but if I was Chris, I’d be worried that everyone was freaking out about the double elimination and no one would have time to do my work for me because they’re making sure their dishes are good. It seems that Katzie thought Amanda was making chocolate cups for her, but in fact Amanda is just making her own cups and Katzie will need to figure things out for herself. Amanda smiles and says it must have been a miscommunication. Katzie is pissed, but she just says that lots of things aren’t done, so if it’s something you need, best make it yourself. Running around and working.

Judgment day. Katzie is running around all crazy. Orlando is irritated at the crazy, but I get the feeling he’s always that way. Craig has one successful gummy bear. Something looks like poo. Matthew has to fill all his cream puffs and put them on sticks. Melissa had planned to put her donuts on pipes, but she finds that the creative team didn’t drill holes for the PVC pipes. Megan helps her drill. Matthew thinks they bit off more than they could chew with the waterfall. Rebecca says that Megan is struggling to get her own dish done, because she helped Chris so much.

OK, so now I have to try to describe this room. There are trees with things hanging off of them. The mushroom with the cream spots is somewhere. Bushes with cake pops sticking out. Gail almost bites it on the little bridge. Orlando notices everyone is agape. They really are. Johnny seems the most excited, pointing out things to Gail. But the cast members are thrilled too, which is very cool. Actually it’s very impressive. Ron Ben-Israel is the guest judge. He’s a fancy wedding cake designer. Then Gail says she has some “special guests” and a whole gang of kids shows up. Aww! Megan quietly freaks out because there is bourbon in her dessert. I think it’s Megan. I’m really sorry, but I have a hard time telling Megan and Amanda apart.

Chris: chocolate fountain with chocolate milk. There are also chocolate cups, but the stream from the fountain is so strong that everyone is having a hard time getting chocolate milk without splashing it everywhere. It’s delicious though. Amanda: raspberry fizzy chocolates, which are discs glued to one of the trees. Also she made chocolate tulip cups with blueberry sauce. Craig: giant gummy bears. Sadly it’s fallen in a pile in the grass. Johnny takes a bite out of the side, and says that the flavor kind of sucks. Some small child finds a bright blue thing, but whispers to Mommy that it doesn’t taste that good. Rebecca: vanilla and coffee bean moon pies, with strings so they can hang off a branch. The marshmallow is tough. She also has “golden egg cakes” which are chocolate cakes inside a gold egg shell, that you can dip in salted caramel buttercream. Veruca says she wishes the cake was golden. Matthew: strawberry, lemon, and vanilla profiteroles, stuck on sticks and then stuck into one of the topiary bushes. Lovely. Orlando: raspberry chocolate crunchies. Giant ball things on a bush. There’s no more explanation than that but they are tasty apparently. Sally: orange dirt, pistachio financier, milk chocolate mousse. So you have to pick up a cake, and then dip it into the mousse and the dirt. Melissa: green donuts. They are stacked on a pipe and are not the most appetizing color. Ohh, Veruca wants to spit it out. Bad. Melissa also made whoopie pie daisies, and those are much better. To her credit, Melissa knows the donuts suck. Katzie: carrot patch. So it’s like a garden, and you pull on what looks like grass, and you get a Twinkie-sized piece of carrot cake. Awesome! That is a very good idea. And the cake is good. Katzie also made the beehive. It’s a beehive with spun sugar on it, and a plastic tube at the bottom so you can squeeze honey on some cake. The marzipan bees, or whatever they were made out of, did not survive. They’re melting. Carlos: peanut butter and jelly macaron. Hubert thinks this is the best macaron they’ve had. Carlos’s edible wallpaper is discs of different fruit leathers stuck to a wall. Megan: bourbon caramel candy bar pops. They’re little purple pops with popsicle sticks. Gail notes the booze. There are a lot of layers, and they are very sweet. Gail says she can’t taste the bourbon. Some kid puts it back. Megan also made orange cream curd and lavender shortbread. No one can taste lavender. Just orange.

Commercial interlude: Craig thinks Katzie would make a good Willy Wonka. Orlando tells us that “Rebecca looks like a damn Oompa Loompa”. Rebecca says Oompa Loompas have the right complexion to be from Jersey. “Oh my God, Oompa Loompas are the original Snookie!” Ha!

In the Stew Room, Katzie talks about how Johnny still intimidates her, and Orlando sits in the corner and says “I wish she’d shut the fuck up.” Gail collects Sally, Katzie, Melissa, Carlos, Craig, Matthew, and Megan. Weird. They’ve left the garden set up for Judges’ Table. These are the best and worst chefs today. Just like Project Runway! Matthew is in the top. They loved his cream puffs, which had strong clean flavors and were pretty to boot. Katzie had a great concept with her beehive, and the fact that her carrot cake didn’t fall apart was amazing. Carlos’s macarons were fantastic, but the wallpaper really impressed Johnny. Craig…oh Craig. He says he’s not surprised. The gummy bears in the movie were not completely edible, just the ears, so he wanted to make them “completely edible. Ish.” Everyone giggles but Hubert says it’s not funny. Melissa throws the “creative” team under the bus, as she felt her donut “cactus” would be “dressed” by the creative team, but since it wasn’t she had to scramble. But in the end the donuts sucked. She never tasted them. The whoopie pies were good though, so that seems to have helped her. Sally’s cake and orange dirt didn’t have a ton of flavor and just kind of failed. Johnny wants to know what she spent her time on, and she says she made the candy canes and helped Craig. Megan kept simplifying her own items to help the team. Gail brings up the booze, in a room full of children, but I would like to point out they didn’t know children were coming. But in the end both of her desserts didn’t taste right. Carlos and Katzie pipe up and say that Megan did so much work for them and for everyone else, that neither of them would be in the top if not for her. Johnny says she should have planned better. Megan starts to cry and says that she was so excited to make the garden, and so much of what she does is to make people happy, and so that’s why she made her choices.

Back in the Stew Room, Chris is super confused that no one else is being called to the Judges’ Table. He can’t seem to wrap his head around the fact that the seven people called included the top. The judges decide on their favorite without letting us know, so they can concentrate on the bottom. Sally’s presentation was poor, Craig didn’t take responsibility for his failure and Johnny thinks he’s outclassed, Megan didn’t balance her flavors properly and Johnny thinks she forgot it was a competition, Melissa’s donuts sucked and she should have tasted them. Sally thinks she’s going home. Orlando encourages her, which pisses me off because he’s been such an ass to other people who are complaining. Either be nice to everyone or be a jerk to everyone.

Katzie is the winner! Then we quickly get down to business and send Craig packing. And then Melissa is sent home right after. She’s really upset about it, and ashamed of her donut thing. Craig seems glad to have made it four episodes in.

Next week: someone drops things on the ground, Rebecca gives up, one team hogs the ice cream machines, water park, funnel cakes. Clicky clicky

Project Runway 9/7/11--"Can't We All Just Get Along?" summary

Previously on Project Runway: the designers got to work alone, for once, to make “avant-garde” clothes. These outfits were based on student artwork, which was actually a cool touch. As always happens on this show, there is disagreement about what is “avant-garde” and what is just weird. Anthony Ryan won, which is nice for him, even if his dress was kind of literal and not perfectly made. Josh C., instead of using his werewolf painting to make a wolf costume, went too far the other way and was boring. He went home, for the second time. Also, do you know when the finale collections are being presented? TOMORROW. That’s right, this is the last episode before the Fashion Week show. I would gladly deal with Andy Cohen, and you all know how much I hate him, if it meant that the producers could go back to planning properly so that you don’t have a million decoys. It’s not hard. (click for more)

Anthony Ryan has immunity, but he still wants to win. Anya points out that she’s never been in the bottom, but hasn’t won either. Josh is still pissy that he didn’t win last week for making a painted rubber skirt and a fluffy top. Whatever. Button your shirt. You know his behavior is heinous when I tell a cute boy to button his shirt.

Heidi says they’ll be working in two teams of five. I am SO SICK of team challenges. She also pretends there will not be team leaders, but then Anthony Ryan gets to pick out his first teammate. He picks Anya. Heidi randomly picks Josh from the velvet bag, and he immediately asks if that means he gets to be the leader. Listen to the teacher when she is talking. Kimberly interviews that Josh has been bullying people he thinks he can bully. He picks out Laura. So then the second people (Anya and Laura) get to pick out the next members of the team, and so on. The first team is Anthony Ryan, Anya, Viktor, Olivier, and Bryce. Second team is Josh, Laura, Kimberly (who sighs in confessional that she doesn’t want to deal with “attitudes”), Becky (oh, Kimberly, that was mean), and Bert. Oh, of course, Josh and Bert have to deal with each other. Anthony Ryan is thrilled with his team. No one on Josh’s team will admit to being happy.

Tim makes everyone gather ‘round to tell them that this is the textile challenge. You know, where you make your own print. Why does this involve teams? Each team has to make a 5 piece collection, and a “fashion show” which apparently means they have to have a video to play in the background and also music. They get two days. Tim says something weird: “At least three looks must contain the textile designs, and they must be prominent.” Wouldn’t everyone get their own print? And use their own print in their outfit? Then randomly Betsy Johnson is there to “help” them use the computer program. She says a bunch of stuff about her inspirations, and then they watch a video of her latest show, and then she tries to impress on them that they have to work together, but we know it’s not happening.

OK, I have to pause for a rant here. I love the “make your own textile” challenge. There’s usually something fun, and there’s always something crazy ugly. Remember Mondo’s print and how it was awesome and perfectly Mondo? Making it a team challenge is bullshit. There is absolutely no reason for it, except that apparently the producers’ new motto is “drama at all costs”. They’ve put in as many team and pair challenges as they could, just to make sure people fight and are assholes. We’re not going to get the same prints out of people, because now they all have to agree on prints that go together so they can make a collection. So you’re limited on what you can do. You are limiting people’s creativity in the interest of creating drama. If I just wanted to watch drama I’d be watching “Big Brother”.

OK, so anyway, 30 minutes to “discuss” as a group. Josh just suggested “5 female versions of the Village People”. Are you serious? Laura complains that her team has two people (Becky and Bert) who are not creative, and Josh who can “snap in a minute”. Becky is depressed they can’t come up with anything. Of course the other team is getting along. Becky tries to get a vote going, and Josh votes for clocks? Who knows. Laura argues for black and white, and Becky asks about a splash of color. Josh says they all have to make a print, so “put all the goddamn color you want on it.” Oh, so you can’t be in charge so your panties are in a wad? Why are you voting for clocks? He interviews that in a couple of weeks he’s going to make his own collection and if he was leading, it would be his vision. Duh.

People design their prints. Anthony Ryan’s team has called themselves Team Chaos, while Team Dysfunction’s official name is Team Nuts and Bolts. Becky and Bert are going literal, with gears and clocks. Bryce feels that the rest of his team is micromanaging him because he’s the only one who hasn’t won yet. It looks like everyone on Team N&B made a bunch of prints, then they lined them all up and now they’re voting on which prints end up in the collection. See what I mean? Someone’s getting shafted into not having their own print made, which is cool even for people who make something crazy and are doomed. Bert can’t get his to print, so his team just picks things without him. He curses about it, and Josh says people with dirty mouths aren’t intelligent. This is said while he is wearing a shirt that is completely open down the front, and also after he’s already been bleeped once in this episode himself. Josh then decides he needs to “deal” with Bert by asking if this is the attitude everyone is talking about it and saying “I WILL. Not have it”. He then refuses to let Bert explain and tells him to back up. Oh, like Bert is going to kick your ass. Bert explains himself, and then Josh is like “Put a clock in it! I want a yard of clocks!” Everyone rolls their eyes, except Becky is like “good, it’s not me this time”. Bert, trying to be nice like he said he was going to do last time, says he likes what they have, but Josh says to put Bert’s print in because he won’t listen to Bert complaining for two days. I mean…I guess Bert has that history of acting like that. But Josh isn’t team leader. Whatever, I’m tired of this. Josh pretends he’s going to quit because he doesn’t like Bert’s attitude. Please. Josh pretends to be upset with himself for being upset, and Becky blames the stress of his mom’s death. The teams talk video, because some people are going to shoot the video and some are going to Mood.

Bryce and Viktor go off together, to shoot video of Times Square and that chaos. Josh and Laura are shooting the video, which I think Laura thought was a fantastic idea. But their video is about a girl who wears great shoes? Aren’t all their prints about clocks and time? And not shoes? I don’t know. Josh puts on some of the shoes for some reason. Laura finally tells him they need some clocks.

Back in the workroom, the teams edit their videos. Anya has a great idea to take their footage and mirror it to make it more abstract. They work for a while, but it’s not terribly exciting because they don’t have the prints yet, and then Josh demands everyone’s attention, “especially Bert”. He says he wants to apologize for his “insanity” this morning. He says in confessional that it wasn’t fair “to the others in the competition” and that there was a black cloud “over my team. [beat] OUR team.” Specifically he apologizes to the other members of his team, and Bert, so there’s that. Bert knows what’s up, though, because he knows Josh could have come to him personally, without making a grandstanding announcement to everyone. But at the same time, he did apologize.

In the morning everyone gets their fabric. No one has any color. Seriously. All the prints are black and white. WTF is that? Kimberly says her team is really Nuts and Bolts: Josh and Bert are Nuts, Becky is a borderline Nut, and Kimberly and Laura are the Bolts that keep it together. Heh. Team Chaos is working outside the box, with people making things they don’t always make. Anthony Ryan seems to be making ink blot patterns with paint? He knows it might turn out like a cow. Kimberly is not using any of the prints in her outfit because she doesn’t like any of them, and she doesn’t have to. Laura asks Anya to come eat with her, so she can gossip about how Becky sucks. Becky actually comes in to where they’re eating, and Laura says, “Hey Becky, I think such a plain skirt with numbers reads ‘math teacher’”. Laura, have the balls to look her in the eye when you tell her she sucks. Anya tries to make a suggestion, but Becky knows Laura is already trying to throw her under the bus, or she wouldn’t be talking about it to Anya instead of coming to Becky. Becky stands up for herself and says that Josh blew the team up so they have to put it back together now. Anya quickly leaves.

Tim time! Team Chaos seems to have it together. It’s cohesive and Tim can tell they all get along. Laura has a jumpsuit? In royal blue. Tim is troubled, and Laura pretty much blames it on the rest of the team’s storyline. Tim is troubled by everything. But I will say that Tim doesn’t like the scale of the number print, and I believe that is all Laura. Seriously, we spend at least twice as much time on Team Dysfunction. Josh has designed a jacket and failed to come up with anything to put under the jacket. Tim asks them where their client is going, and Josh has the balls to say “I really don’t like this idea that things have to be going somewhere.” That is Josh for “I have no idea”. Tim informs them they need to let their egos go, because this is not a collection and they are failing. He makes them join hands in a circle and promise to communicate and be honest with each other. That is hilarious.

Josh’s bad critique has upset him so much, all he can do is sit there and be upset. It actually puts him in tears in confessional. Also it makes him freak out about missing his family and how he hopes one day it will be worth it. He calls his dad, which is cute. I’m sorry but you can’t edit him to be a giant asshole and then throw in that he couldn’t go home to see his dying mother one last time. You have to pick one. Because I still view him as an asshole but now I feel bad because I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. You can’t make him the villain and then be so heavy handed about trying to redeem him.

Model fitting. Josh claims to not be that person who is an asshat to people. He praises Bert’s outfit. Fitting seems to go well, and everyone finishes working. Becky says they’re all working together, and things should continue to go well if Josh can control himself. Olivier is taking a long time to finish things, which frustrates Anthony Ryan. Back at the apartments after the day is over, Laura says that Tim’s holding-hands moment was really awesome and now they’re all together. Kimberly and Becky do not look convinced.

In the morning, Laura thinks they’re all supporting each other. Olivier is still not done. Tim gives them 2 hours to finish. Hot makeup guy gets to talk and give suggestions. The crimping iron is used.

Guest judge is…actually there are two. Why are there two guest judges, plus Kors, Nina, and Heidi? Who knows. Rachel Roy and Rose Bryne. Team Nuts and Bolts is up first. Josh: pants in his “graffiti print” which is just a bunch of words written down, a royal blue tank, and a jacket. The jacket is cool, it’s half white and half black, and the two sides meet in kind of a geometric zig zag. The back doesn’t seem sewn up though. Becky: short skirt in the graffiti print, a chartreuse top, and a cropped bolero jacket. The jacket has slits at the elbows. Bert: one shouldered dress that hits below the knee. It looks pretty good, although I’m not sold on the booties. The top has a thin keyhole made by a zipper. Kimberly: a very short skirt with weird jodhpur poofyness at the hips and a chartreuse top with an open back and some thin chains. Laura: royal blue jumpsuit with the graffiti print in a belt. I just don’t like jumpsuits, although this one is OK I guess. It does look like it could be one collection.

Team Chaos. Anya: a short dress with cap sleeves and a boat neck top. The cap sleeves are black, and the print is pretty abstract. It’s almost like snakeskin, and when you get close up, there is more than one print there. The back has a narrow opening to her waist. Bryce: red T-shirt with a low-cut back and shorts in one of the prints. All their prints look very, very similar. They’re all black and white abstract designs. Anthony Ryan: full bell-shaped skirt in white with black squares on one corner, and a sleeveless button down top with a red bow at the neck. Olivier: a fitted jacket with leather lapels and no shirt underneath, and a peplum. It’s awesome. The pants are mostly OK, but cropped for some reason. My guess is no one is looking at the pants. Viktor: long skirt with high slits, in black, and a white bodice with that illusion netting covering her back and along her collarbone. The white has an inkblot design on it.
Heidi tells Team Chaos they have won. Like anyone thought they would lose. Team N&B has to leave, where they all sit around until Laura feels the need to make everyone talk about their feelings on their team. Kimberly pokes Josh, like, don’t do that. Becky says she thinks he wants her and Bert to go home so he can have fun with everyone else. This is true, of course, so Josh has to get bitchy and say this isn’t about “fun”, this is about “creating a product that people want”. He then says he knows what he wants to deliver to someone, and she doesn’t, so that’s why she should not be there. Well that was rude, but why didn’t you just let him sulk? Seriously.

Team Chaos talks about chaos but also that they didn’t want anything to look overdone. Heidi loves everything. Olivier’s jacket is fantastic. Kors says it’s one of the best tailored pieces they’ve ever seen. Viktor’s gown is chic, but Bryce’s shorts and shirt don’t go. Rose would wear everything. They like the little pops of color. Nina’s only criticism is that she wants more polished makeup and hair. Heidi asks who should win, but no one wants to say “Me, I should win” and no one wants to give the win to someone else. Heidi makes all of them say who should win, and as Olivier is brave enough to say “me, I should win” they all do the same. Except Bryce, who says Anya. Well his outfit seemed to be the only one to get criticism, so he must know he’s not winning.

Team Nuts and Bolts. Heidi says the collection is too busy. Kors complains that the prints are too literal. No one is wearing a clock, Kors. Rachel gets superior and says they should have thought of memories and their children, instead of writing “cancelled” and “delayed” and whatever. Plus the stupid “let’s make a video of a girl with fun shoes” does not go over well. Kors does say that overall, they have a more cohesive look to their models. Nina says there are missed opportunities here. She asks if everyone was happy, and Becky volunteers that they had a third print, the numbers print, but no one liked it. Kors calls Laura out on avoiding the prints, and she says she made the belt, and Kors says “So you didn’t have to have a belt that’s ugly”. Ouch. He also thinks Kimberly’s lack of any print is her way to save herself. She denies it, but we know that’s what she was thinking. “Not a lot of women want to have “cancelled” on their crotch”. Heh. Becky laughs, embarrassed, because it’s her skirt, and that is funny, but Josh is stonefaced. Sadly without the print her outfit is boring. They love that Bert’s dress is well-cut, but the length is bad. Heidi asks how they worked together, and Bert says they had a fight but Josh did apologize. Heidi calls Josh out on being an asshat, and fighting with Becky last time. Josh tries to pretend he has no idea what happened. Who should go home? Becky throws Josh under the bus. Nina points out that Josh wasn’t the leader, so they should all have spoken up. Bert says when that happened Josh left the room, and when he came back they just said whatever and moved on. Josh defends himself by saying that he has three pieces that are impeccable and that he “basically led the detailing” and that if the show is about design, then he did his part. Nina just says that all the prints are horrible. Bert agrees that Josh should go home, Laura says Bert because of some comments, I don’t understand what she says. Josh throws Becky under the bus because he doesn’t see any design in the outfit. Becky speaks up and says she made the skirt three times, and the top twice, and people just said it “didn’t look right” and wouldn’t give her feedback. Josh says she has no foundation and could have pushed her design. Kimberly says Becky has a simpler style but that is just a difference in aesthetics maybe.

Kors loved Olivier’s jacket, as did Rachel. Viktor’s dress was interesting but wearable. Anya has a great eye for prints. And everyone got along. Kors is bored by Becky, and Nina says there is no design there. Josh’s outfit had a lot going on, and Heidi mentions taste level. Nina gets indignant and says that it’s a print challenge, and his print was the most horrible. Kors knows he’s a bully. Bert also has an attitude problem, but his dress would probably be OK if it wasn’t in that print.

Anya wins. Huh? She beat out Olivier’s jacket? Stupid. I’m pretty much done. Laura is in. Kimberly is in. Bert is in. Oh, like they’d get rid of Josh before Becky. That means that little asshat has a collection to show tomorrow. Dammit. Becky doesn’t think she should go home, and thinks maybe she’s too commercial. She knows that there will always be someone better than her. She wishes everyone the best. Aww. She says she needs a vacation. Hee.

Next time: you will design for women using the suggestions of the husband/boyfriend of said woman. Interesting. Tim and Olivier have no personal experience with bra sizes. Obviously. Clicky clicky

Top Chef: Just Desserts 9/7/11--"Villa Rosa" summary

Previously on “Top Chef: Just Desserts”: everyone had to make lemon desserts, which sounded delicious, and Matthew won. Orlando continued to try to convince us of how awesome he is. Then there was another team challenge where everyone had to make a fancy cake for the Los Angeles Philharmonic. Hopefully today they will do a non-showpiece challenge. Everyone was responsible for a layer of their cake. No one had very pretty cakes, but the Red team won as they had good flavors. Vanarin was sent home because his cake didn’t taste like anything. Oh, and Rebecca broke her wrist but splinted it and kept on going. (click for more)

The Quickfire looks like it will involve Extra gum. That one with those stupid “dessert” flavors. Also Hugh Acheson is there. Hugh, the cardigan/T-shirt combo is not flattering to you. They must come up with Extra’s new dessert gum flavor. For no reason other than that “make a dessert” is entirely too broad, they must also make it small enough to fit in little tiny cups and saucers. OK, there are individual ramekins you would get crème brulee in, and ice cream sundae glasses, so they’re not that small. Everyone acts like they are, though. The winner gets immunity, but also it becomes gum! Well…it will “inspire a flavor that will be placed in a consumer vote to become the new flavor”. So you probably won’t see it be gum. Oh, and $25,000. Wow.

1 hour to cook. Amanda is making pina colada. Craig is making pancakes and strawberries. He is tired of being on the bottom. Hee, I can’t hear anyone say that without thinking dirty thoughts. Matthew and Chris giggle about how Matthew is making an oatmeal raisin cookie. Sally says they have a bromance. Melissa talks about burning her butter, and Megan complains about her complaining. Nelson is working to plate on time. Looking at people plating, I was mistaken. The plates really are pretty small.

Rebecca: first she kisses Hugh’s ass, which is cute. My guess is that doesn’t happen a lot. Raspberry, panna cotta, and linzer crust. Craig: lemon mascarpone pancakes with cream and amaretto-macerated strawberries. Gail wishes she had her Barbies. Hee. It’s so cute though. Sally: passion fruit pina colada. It’s very sour. Matthew: oatmeal raisin cookie parfait. This one is sweet. Amanda: coconut rum mousse, lime-pineapple coulis and vanilla bean. Hugh wants an umbrella, which would be fun. Carlos: passion fruit gelee, coconut tapioca, and meringue. Melissa: white coffee cream with honey roasted bananas and brown butter crumbs. Katzie rolls her eyes. Whatever. Katzie: chocolate cream cookie, bitter chocolate cream and orange cheesecake. Also candied violets. Busy. Nelson: black forest dessert. This is a cherry soaked in brandy, with some chocolate.

Hugh did not like Rebecca’s, because it was too busy, and Melissa’s coffee was interesting but he feels no one wants to have coffee-flavored gum. And Matthew’s cookie tasted like a granola bar. However, Craig’s pancakes were delicious (yay) and Nelson’s cherries were really interesting, and Carlos’s dessert was clean. But the winner is Craig. Yay Craig! He says he was going to pay off his school loans with the money, but now he’s going shopping. Good for him.

So apparently “lemon mascarpone pancakes with mascarpone cream and amaretto strawberries” inspires the flavor “lemon square”. Stupid.

For the Elimination challenge, they’ll be in two teams. Craig chooses himself as a captain, and Amanda as the other. He says he just said any name. The teams shake out as Craig, Sally, Matthew, Orlando (who can’t resist bitching about it), Nelson, and Rebecca; and Amanda, Chris, Carlos, Megan, Katzie, and Melissa. Melissa is left for last again, even though she was one of the winners last week. The challenge is for one of the Real Housewives. I am tired of them. I don’t watch their shows, and I don’t think it’s too much to ask to not have to see them elsewhere. Anyway, this one, Lisa, owns a restaurant or whatever, so each team has to “come up with a dessert table pitch” for the anniversary party for the restaurant. The husband shows up, with a pointless small dog wearing clothes, which I never approve of. He says that since Lisa loves pink, everything should be pink, and also she is meticulous, loves fresh flowers and her dog. Amanda used to work for people like this, so she knows the key is to ask detailed questions so they get exactly what they want. Rebecca asks if there are any desserts Lisa would make for her daughters, and I doubt this woman cooks at all, but I guess it’s a good question. The husband seems to have an answer. Gail says each team can have no more than 6 desserts.

30 minutes to plan. Craig is worried about leading, while Sally says she knows what to do. They seem to have a lot of pages of sample colors and desserts? Amanda’s team is all talking over each other and not making any decisions. Melissa says she is “dead inside”.

6 hours to cook. Amanda’s team still has to make decisions on what to make. She says she learned in the last challenge to speak up, and that if it’s not right it’s her head on the line. Craig is making a lemonade cocktail, which he knows is not as labor intensive, so he’s planning to help everyone else out. Sally seems hesitant to let him do her macarons but she eventually leaves to go help Orlando make a blown sugar centerpiece. Chris seems to have bamboo and raffia and a chandelier of some kind. Orlando says something bitchy, shut up Orlando. It’s not even funny bitchy, it’s just smug superiority. Melissa and Katzie are making dog treats. Cute. Nelson is making dog lollipops. Rebecca says Craig did a good job of trying to be team leader. Melissa has to remake a ton of stuff. She works while the rest of her team stands around and talks about her.

Amanda wakes up feeling sick and congested. Nelson doesn’t think Craig is a leader. He randomly solves a Rubix cube as everyone gets dressed. Weird.

2 more hours to cook. Someone makes a dog out of frosting. Melissa knows she has a ton of work to do and that Amanda has done all she could to lead. Amanda, meanwhile, still feels sick, so she asks Chris to do all the talking, on account of he’s a good speaker and also cute. Nelson is making chocolate lollipops with cotton candy. But these are too simple so he starts making a side dish. Everyone starts setting up the tables. Craig’s table is a big sugar showpiece, glass jars of candy and of roses, flowers, etc. Rebecca is trying to keep it from being too much. Amanda has made a big bamboo fishing pole looking thing, with a big bunch of roses hanging from the end. It looks pretty good, actually, very rustic. Both tables look good. Melissa is freaking out in the kitchen because her stuff isn’t setting up like she wants. Orlando finds some flowers just lying on the table so he starts spreading rose petals around.

Amanda’s team goes first, and they’re serving them all the desserts at once. Amanda: cava gelee with buttermilk foam, hibiscus, and a fizzy raspberry. Someone says it’s a fattening day. Duh. Carlos: guava pate de fruit, fromage blanc and phyllo cigar. Katzie: macaron with mascarpone, strawberry jam, and mint. The mint is a sauce put in a plastic pipette that is sticking out of the macaron. Melissa: white chocolate brownie, white chocolate cremeux, rose gelee and rhubarb foam. She admits the cremeux didn’t set up properly. I think she should have pretended it was a sauce. Megan: pink velvet almond cake with chocolate mousse, cherries, and cream cheese sorbet. It’s very pretty. They also give the dog the treats they made, which he eats, although generally dogs do not refuse treats. (Kmanpat: “But you said when you bought my dogs ice cream they weren’t interested.” Me: “Well, your dogs are weird.”) Amanda thinks their team did really well.

Sally is waiting until the last seconds to plate her sorbet because she’s afraid it will melt. Sally: chocolate and raspberry tarte nouveau, ganache, and lychee sorbet. It’s melting. Matthew: white chocolate cherry and pistachio entremet. It’s got gorgeous layers of cake. And apparently he covered the pistachios in white chocolate so the green wouldn’t ruin the look of the cake. Nelson: passion fruit cheesecake lollipop and pink chocolate namelaka. Namelaka is a ganache-type construction. The housewives do not seem to understand the concept of cotton candy. Or how to eat it. Or something. Craig: pink lemonade with rose cava gelee with a pink sugar rim. One of the housewives pretends she never has drinks with sugar rims. Please. Orlando did the entire centerpiece, which is very impressive to everyone. Rebecca: chocolate beet cake, beet cream cheese, and orange sauce. Someone makes a face, but it tastes good. Rebecca also made rhubarb rose crisp with crème fraiche sorbet. They love it. But the team does get called out on not making anything for the dog.

Commercial interlude: we actually get to see what Chris made, which is an almond strawberry tart and a rose ice cream push pop. Johnny says “Going into your tart--” but he gets cut off, because that is inappropriate. Then he finishes by saying it was a tight tart. Hee.

The judges discuss how Craig’s team had a nicer table, but the other team had better desserts. It’s telling that Lisa keeps calling it Chris’s team. There is a lot of discussion of the look of both tables, and who had better desserts overall, and whatever. Both teams come back out, and Lisa says one team embodied what her husband said, so the winners are “Chris’s team”. Amanda is disappointed they didn’t acknowledge her as the team leader, but she’s trying to remember it’s a team challenge and the whole team won. I’m kind of surprised Gail let them go the whole time calling it Chris’s team when she knows perfectly well who the team leader is.

Judges’ table. Craig thinks they maybe were too whimsical and had too many things on the table. Hubert tells them they heard “pink” but didn’t match it to a grown woman who is elegant and refined. Nelson explains how he was going to sculpt dog heads from his lollipops, but he ran out of time. Hubert wishes you could eat it in one bite. Both his dishes were too sweet. Sally says something about making a dessert that would last longer on a buffet table, but then she made sorbet. Hugh says it was a petit four with melted sorbet. Johnny wants to know who put the rose petals all over the table, and Rebecca pipes up and says “I would not have done that”. Maybe wait for someone else to admit they did it, possibly. She keeps talking, though, and says Orlando probably did it on accident, just seeing a flower lying on the table and thought that was how it should be. He basically says that, but she continues to talk as he’s explaining himself. They should have left it clean, like Rebecca wanted. Hugh says, “Dessert Hoarders”. He’s like the Michael Kors of this show. Nelson agrees, and then Craig starts talking about how he should have been a stronger leader, and did they cut out the part where the judges asked them questions? Is this team really just volunteering their faults? Craig continues to talk about his drink kind of sucking, and Hugh says he would have fired Craig because he put up nothing. He wonders aloud what Craig did all day, and Rebecca defends him and says that he helped everyone out. But Craig has immunity, so he’s not going home anyway. Sally gets really upset, and she says all of them are good at what they do. Gail admits that it’s hard sometimes.

Nelson’s lollipop was bad, and it wasn’t enough. Sally’s dessert was “mediocre”. Orlando made a beautiful showpiece but smothered it in flowers. Hubert is impressed by the sugar, though. Johnny says in his mind it is between Sally and Nelson. In the Stew Room, Sally thinks they’ll excuse Craig before they actually eliminate anyone, and Craig says he’ll use that time to go vomit and cry while someone else goes home. Rebecca tells him to shut up because it wasn’t his fault. He really feels responsible. It’s weird. I mean, how often does the team leader take so much responsibility for someone else’s dish?

Rebecca and Matthew both made delicious desserts and are safe. Craig made the worst dessert of the whole challenge, and Johnny tells him if he didn’t have immunity, he’d be going home. Ouch. Nelson is sent home. He interviews that he is disappointed to go home for lollipops, and that Craig doesn’t know what he’s doing. The Stew Room erupts in a fight after Orlando says he’s sad someone he likes went home, but then Craig starts yelling about how Johnny messed with his head by saying he should have gone home instead. I thought at first he was yelling because Orlando had said something. Anyway, Orlando says they’re all there to win, they’ll do whatever it takes, so he doesn’t care about anything anyone says, keep your sad stories to yourselves. Yeah, everyone’s going to love you after that one.

Next time: the original cast of Willy Wonka. The good one, not the Johnny Depp one. They transform a whole room into the candy room with the chocolate pool from the movie, which is a very cool challenge. Two people will go home. Clicky clicky

Project Runway 9/1/11--"The Art of the Matter" summary

Previously on Project Runway: the producers made everyone race for team leader spots. Cecilia finally succumbed to her unhappiness and quit, but not before Heidi railed on her for a bit for sucking. Because apparently Julie is too boring, the designers were told they could bring anyone back that they wanted, so they wanted Josh. C. Teams had to design for Heidi‘s New Balance line, and make clothes specifically for her “fashion sneakers“ or whatever they were, looking like retro 70‘s low-top Nikes. Designers were specifically told to think outside the box and make dresses and suits, but then were docked points for making things women could not work out in, and also for making the models look like business women who commute on public transportation and wear sneakers to walk in. Bert continued to be a jerk, going so far as to grin and fist-pump on the runway when the rest of his team was told their clothes sucked. Josh M. was a complete asshat to Becky, because he only picked her so she could sew everything for them. Then he told her her clothes were dowdy and tried to explain that he didn‘t mean it in a bad way. For some unfathomable reason (which would probably just irritate me more) this action was praised by the judges, because he “ran his team“. So, the first time that I can remember in the history of the show that the judges gave a crap about team dynamics, and they praise the team leader for being an asshat. Oh, and then give him a co-win, even though he didn’t actually design the dress that “won“. Viktor won too, and Danielle went home. Oh, and they‘ll probably have a million decoy collections again. I do not like where this show seems to be heading. (click for more)

Also, now I have Don Henley in my head, so thanks for that, Lifetime.

The boys sit around the apartment and it seems pretty awkward. Anthony Ryan says that he and Bert are calling a truce. Bert says that he’s just going to worry about what he has to do today, and try not to be an asshole to anyone. Is that remorse? Or an “Oh, I’m such a bad boy, ha ha”? I can’t tell. The girls are much better, except that Becky has just moved in, and apparently Laura doesn’t like her? I feel like I missed that, or Laura had kept her mouth shut maybe.

Heidi reminds Viktor and Josh M. they have immunity. Then she says that she wants to send them “back to school”. Then she makes a lame old person joke at Bert’s expense and sends them on their field trip. Anthony Ryan says they’re either dressing students, or dressing teachers.
The designers end up at Harlem School of the Arts. And there are students who have made art for them. They seem to be about 11 or 12 years old. Viktor does not seem to like children much. The designers will be collaborating with the students on a piece of art, which should then inspire an “avant-garde” design. Oo, and they get two days! Anya loves the arts. Once they get inside and start working, it seems that the age range is like, 12-17. Viktor wishes he had a cocktail. I think most people are having fun, even Viktor, and no one is mean. Josh C.’s student promises to cry if the judges say anything bad about his clothes. Hee. Laura is gossiping to her student about the last challenge. Her student (who is ELEVEN) tells her it’s an opportunity to be better and other adult mentor-type things. Tim collects the students, gives them 30 minutes to sketch, and then he’ll take them shopping. Viktor randomly says “I’m never having kids. Oh my Lord of the Rings.” …people really say that? Olivier was pretty confident when he started, but now he’s more confused. Josh M. likes things that are fake. Yup. His picture is a tree with roots and he has no clue what he’s going to do. Sigh. Josh C. is not doing something literal, which is good as he seems to have a painting of a werewolf.

30 minutes and $300. Tim chases the poor dog around. Olivier is using chiffon but he’s never used it before. Tim tells Josh C. (and the rest of us) that he is not allowed to use real fur. Then he only spends like, $170 somehow. Huh? What happened with that?

Back at Parson’s, Viktor rolls his eyes and mocks everyone’s fabric choices. Tim appears and says they have until 10pm tonight, and all day tomorrow. He’ll come back tomorrow to see what they’re doing. Why not today? Bert asks him to clarify something, and Tim says that this is not a “red carpet” challenge, it is an “avant-garde” challenge. Bert thinks this does not mean he has to make a costume or do anything weird, but it does have to be forward thinking. Becky and Laura both seem to go with “weird”, with Laura further clarifying that she does not expect that anyone would wear an avant-garde piece in real life. Except Lady Gaga. Oo, that’s a good example. Viktor thinks it is edgy and should make you wonder how it’s made. Olivier knows his look is more quiet than others. Josh M. is painting panels of his skirt to look like wood. He uses the word “breastplate”, but as he has a tree, and he wants to carve a heart and initials into it, that’s actually not bad. Possibly. Anthony Ryan says you have to be the right person to use fur. The implication is that Josh C. is not the right person. Viktor makes a joke about length. Bert dyes some of his fabric for jodhpurs. Anthony Ryan’s dress must fit perfectly. Laura is cutting organza and burning the edges so they don’t fray. She says it smells like when she used to burn her Barbies. Your Barbies were made of raw silk? I doubt it. She jokes about burning down the workroom and Josh C. says he is a Needle Scout so he can put out the fire. Or possibly he says “Eagle Scout” but Needle Scout is funnier. Josh M. claims interest in what Becky is doing. Why, you ask? Because he hopes his “direction” last week will help her think outside the box and make better clothes. You mean your “direction” of “Shut up and sew, I didn’t pick you to design”? Ass. Viktor hopes his dress does not turn out like a House of Dereon dress. Hee! Laura tells Bert he could play the straight card, and then he tells them he was widowed and interviews to us that he turned to alcohol. He gets a phone call home. To be fair, the other designers express sympathy. Kimberly is behind.

Everyone meanders home, where Laura says she is worried about Josh C. because he is inspired by a werewolf. Josh C. is so thrilled about it though.

Next day! Everyone back to work! Olivier is kind of a slow worker, says Viktor. And he worries. Josh C. describes his skirt to Laura, and you can tell she thinks it sucks. Tim appears to tell everyone their artwork has arrived, and so have the students. Fun! I think all the students like the designs, and some of them have suggestions which seem to be well-received.

Tim time! Anthony Ryan wants his dress to look like paint, but not orange and black together. Anya wants something tasteful, and Tim thinks that it would be impossible for Anya to not be tasteful. Bryce is talking to his student to see how she thinks. Kimberly has literal wings, as she is working from a bird painting. Tim predicts Kors will say “Take me to Geronimo”. Laura has peach and flowery or something. Her student’s opinion? “I think it will look much better when it’s a finished product.” Ha! Well played. Becky has some cubes on the shoulder, and Tim warns her against “craft project”. Her dress is made of denim, so she’s already in the hole for that, and Tim says right now it’s not enough. Becky knows if she hasn’t wowed Tim, she certainly won’t wow the judges. Bert has…a bustier and a giant pair of jodhpurs. Like, Kenley puffy sleeves-level of giant. Ugh. Olivier is not used to working with color. He may not be taking his dress far enough. Every time Olivier tries to pin Tim down he dodges, which is weird. Tim reminds Josh M. that his dress should stand on its own, without explanation. Josh C., however, might be too literal. Tim doesn’t want him to go home again. Viktor for some reason is worried when his student talks to Tim. I’m not sure. She’s selling his dress. Tim collects the students and says they’ll be at the runway show. Nice.

Viktor has discovered that his student is awesome and he and Kimberly hope she stands up to Kors if Viktor ends up on the bottom. That would be fantastic. Bryce is losing his mind. He talks about straightjackets. Olivier seems to be behind, and Laura says that is par for the course. Anya doesn’t think Josh C. is proving himself enough. He cuts himself a Mohawk out of his fake fur.
Model fitting time! Bert’s model tells him his giant pants are good. Seriously, I could probably fit into them, and I am FAR from a model. Becky has been in the middle a lot, so she thinks if she’s in the bottom they’ll declare their boredom and get rid of her. Laura asks Bert about his “jodhpurs”, and he declares them “fat pants”. Viktor says it’s at least fun to look at which is important. Josh C. is sitting with his head in his hands thinking. They make it looks like everyone is standing around looking at his dress and making comments. He’s starting to freak out. Aww.

Morning of the show. Everyone still has work to do. Anya worries about Olivier, but unlike everyone else, she worries about his design instead of how he’s going to finish. Josh C. would have had fun, if he hadn’t had to make an outfit inspired by a werewolf. Tim appears and gives them 2 hours. Olivier is seriously out of time. Hot makeup guy! Oh, everyone loves him. How come we can’t get a challenge with him talking instead of Collier Strong, who, incidentally, I have not seen all season? I mean really. Olivier borrows glue. To glue the dress onto his model. Tim busts in and tells him it’s against the rules to glue things to the model. It’s not sticking now, so it’s OK? That was anti-climactic. A ton of frantic working. Josh M. says something bitchy. Actually, a lot of people say bitchy things about other people. I don’t remember everyone hating on their competitors so much before.

Guest judge is Kenneth Cole. Also Nina is not here, but Zanna Roberts Rassi is. Kimberly: her painting is a bird, and her dress is a very short skirt with an asymmetrical overlay, like a flap on one side. And lots of feathers. The whole thing is in red and black, with a keyhole opening and a tight hood over her head. Or maybe a thick headband and slick ponytail. Becky: a space scene with a red orb and green stars. Her dress has one shoulder, and the opposite hem is very long. All down the diagonal is green cubes and squares, and cutouts on the skirt. Olivier: the painting is swirls of blue and yellow and red, and the dress is white with a splash of blue and yellow. It looks terrible. It’s just like, flowy pieces slapped together, like something else was supposed to be going on but it just didn’t happen. Josh M.: the painting is an orange tree with green roots. Orange puffy top with just like, ruffles crammed in everywhere, and no back. The skirt is a circle skirt in brown that looks like wood, but I can’t see the initials he “carved” into it. Bert: the painting is all abstract random shapes in lots of colors. The outfit is a bustier with random stuffed shapes on it, and some netting. The pants are stupid huge, with more cut out colored shapes down the sides. I find it fugly. Viktor: lot of swirls and greens and blues. The dress has one long sleeve and the other side has no sleeve, and it looks like it’s gathered in horizontal layers, in white and blue, and it’s wrinkled and slit just so. Actually it’s not bad. Laura: she kept saying her painting was a flower, but it looks more like a fruit still life. She has a long peach dress, with a ton of horizontal ruffles in the bodice and vertical ruffles in the skirt. Except that the peachy yellow color is not the most prominent color in her painting. It’s very “dusted fairy” as she says. Bryce: this really creepy painting of a person with bulging eyes. The dress is a red turtleneck, with a black skirt. The top has long straightjacket sleeves. Josh C: it’s a werewolf painting. Short leather skirt, with a white blouse and a black like, holster type thing over her shoulders and upper chest. I’m not sure. Anthony Ryan: the painting is self portraits of himself and his student. The dress is gray with lots of strips of color, yellow and blue and black. The color is supposed to look like paint, which it kind of does. Anya: two barren trees and yellow ground, and a sun. Very low cut v-neck with a short skirt and a voluminous overskirt in a red/brown print. The top is made from feathers to make a fringe over her shoulders. I kind of dig it.

Kimberly, Viktor, Becky, Bryce, and Anya are safe. Boo, Anya is safe? They go back to the Scrap Bin and talk about who is in the top. Bryce says that Bert’s outfit sucks, and Viktor says that he thinks Bert will be the winner. Bryce responds that if Bert wins, he’ll jump out the window. Josh M. tells his explanation, which hopefully they don’t need. But they like the skirt and how it’s painted. In other news, what is on his shoulders? Like, black leather with spikes. Kors thinks his styling is a little over the top. Josh C. talks about wolves. Kors says “Victorian cocktail waitress in Vegas”. Zanna says it’s trashy. Heidi says it looks like a hooker, but Josh C. stands up for himself and says he doesn’t think it’s that trashy. Zanna basically tells him that since they all think it’s ugly, it is ugly. Cole says it doesn’t come together. Bert basically explains that it’s literally the painting. Zanna doesn’t think anyone would ever wear it. Kors tells him it’s not modern. For some reason, Heidi likes that it was literal. Why is there always some serious crazy coming from the judges? Laura somehow says her boning in the bodice is like thorns. Zanna couldn’t see how the painting was connected to the dress until Laura explained it. Apparently even though Tim warned against it (making your dress so confusing you have to explain it), this is not a problem. They all like the color and the ruffles and all. Olivier says his dress is dreamy, but he knows they don’t like it. The painting is not as sad as his dress. Most of the skirt is a gray non-color, and would have been better in the colored chiffon. Cole says it’s not boring, but too busy. The constructed side of the bodice is great, but the blue side he tried to glue to his model sucks. Anthony Ryan has a great dress, which they point out is great even though he’s colorblind. Look, gray, black, and yellow are not that many colors. It’s not literal but has dimension, and even the unfinished hem works. Cole doesn’t like the unfinished though. But the other judges seem to really like it.

Josh M. had a cool skirt with great texture, with painting, and the bright top. Laura’s mix of ruffles and visible boning was apparently really cool. I guess it was. And very well made. Anthony Ryan made a beautiful, interesting dress. It’s wearable but also powerful. Cole insists on bringing up his lack of finishing. Olivier had just too many layers going on, and his clothes are boring. Heidi points out that in casting she was blown away by his designs, and now she’s bored. Josh C. gets nailed for not making an interesting enough dress, and they decide he just missed it. Bert made a Teletubby outfit, says Kors. There is a diaper joke. The cut out shapes were bad, and the fact that they were 3D just made it worse.

Anthony Ryan is the winner. I did like his outfit. Plus Josh M. looks pissed so that is all I really need at this point. Josh M. is in. Laura is in. Bert is in, apparently because Heidi liked his outfit for some reason. Olivier is in. Boo. Poor Josh. Not that I hate Olivier, but his dress was pretty bad. Josh says it’s easier the second time.

Next time: teams AGAIN. Looks like Josh M. and Bert are put together. Josh cries about his mom for some reason, and I’m not sure how that got brought up. Tim wants them to join hands. I don’t really want to watch Josh and Bert be asshats for 90 minutes again. Clicky clicky