Project Runway All Stars 3/20/19--"Modern Families" summary

Previously on “Project Runway All Stars”: Nina arrived to tell everyone they had to make a gown for “a royal ball” and use silk. Everyone tried to be modern, except that a royal ball is very formal and modern is generally frowned upon. Look at the rules surrounding the British royal family, and those are for random events! Not even for formal occasions. Anyway, Irina won, even though she basically made a corset and then a ball gown out of tulle with some ribbons. There is no way you would basically be half naked at a royal ball. Michelle and Anthony Ryan did a ton of whining about how they don't do gowns, but in the end Michelle made an appliqued maxi dress in orange and red and hot pink, and Anthony Ryan made a caftan in yellow and blue. Imagine that caftan with maybe fewer feathers and on a pregnant socialite. Right? So of course Anthony Ryan was sent home, even though his dress was an actual functional dress and didn't look like he spent an hour making it. Regular “Project Runway” on Bravo is really highlighting the random-ass decisions on this show. (click for more)

AND it's a 90 minute episode. Sigh.

We have to have a conversation about what is hard about this competition. No one says “figuring out what the producers are on so I can keep from being eliminated for dumb shit”. Alyssa mentions her family, because no one said that either. Today's theme is “families”. Each designer will get some clients. Irina gets to pass out the envelopes, but they aren't labeled so who cares anyway? It's not like she got to assign people and had the opportunity to screw people over. Everyone gets the name of a family, and everyone's family name is hyphenated. Design outfits for three members of “a modern family”. Oh, of course, when there were so few people, we need multiple looks. The looks have to coordinate because the three people will be taking a family portrait. Michelle brags that this is her challenge because she makes “normal” clothes for people. Also they will actually get two days. Supposedly. Alyssa reveals that the finale is next week (of course, because I have theater tickets and will be out all night).

Family meeting time. Everyone is cute. Irina has a kid, maybe 12, plus his mother and godmother. Dmitry has two moms and a teenage son. Biddell has a mom and daughter and son. The son is 14 and I think the daughter is probably slightly older. Michelle I think has a grandmother, who doesn't speak English, and a teen daughter, maybe 16 or 17, and a transgender son who I think is probably 13 or so. (Lies, Michelle says later he's 16). I mention it because it came up because he said he didn't want anything too feminine. Michelle promises it won't be feminine and then says she'll make him coveralls. One of the moms Dmitry has really, really doesn't want to wear a dress. He plans palazzo pants and a dusty pink top. You will also not be surprised to hear he's planning some appliques. Mood is Mood. Dmitry and Biddell “fight” about some fabric, although Dmitry insists there's no fight because he claimed the fabric already, and there won't be enough for Biddell, and that's the end of it. Biddell finds basically another roll, so that was some pointless drama.

Michelle has a red and blue mottled fabric that is sort of abstract. It has that kind of patchy hand-dyed look. She's trying to make a jacket for the grandmother, but she doesn't have any extra in case she messes up. At one point she says she might not have enough. Biddell puts stitching on the pockets of his jeans and he giggles because he really likes to do this for whatever reason. He wants clothes they'll keep. Dmitry's dusty rose velvet and black palazzo pants seem very old. Like, this is what an old woman would wear back in the 1990's. I feel like I have gone to the store and seen these pieces for sale and said to myself that I would find a dress that fit me before I settled for pants and a sparkly jacket because that's all they have to sell to plus-sized women. You know? Maybe you don't know, but I think we can all agree velvet is tricky and dusty rose velvet is probably trickier.

Anne shows up. Irina describes her family as “festive”, but she's got navy and black on her dress form. She wants the son to have a vest and top and pants, and Anne points out that she's making a lot of pieces. She's got a clear vision, but a less clear vision of how to do it. Anne does remind her that the judges won't know at first what the family has asked her for. They'll just be judging her. Biddell is doing very clearly defined and traditional gender looks. He has a ton of random things and fabrics. Anne thinks the three looks don't go together. Biddell says this isn't a fashion show, he wants them to have these clothes after this show is over. Anne reminds him it IS a fashion show, and Georgina and Isaac don't give two shits about the models and if they're comfortable. I mean, it's true, I just didn't expect Anne to say so.

Michelle's pieces don't seem to go together either. The blue and red cloudy fabric is not just a jacket but seems to be pants also. Then the daughter's look is strapless with horizontal stripes, and the son is all black. Michelle doesn't want them to be the same, she wants them to be individuals. But they have to coordinate. Dmitry tells Anne that one of his moms doesn't wear dresses, so palazzo pants for femininity. Anne says he can't compromise. I mean, palazzo pants are basically a skirt anyway, plus, I don't think this is the kind of compromise he's supposed to avoid. Anne is bored, and says he needs a “wow” moment. You mean like making something with cutouts or a sheer seam like he always does? I'm OK without that. Anne tells everyone before she leaves that basically no one cares about their clients and that won't be considered in judging because the judges don't care either.

Biddell has a ton of work. Dmitry has a bunch of fucking cutouts of course. A sleeve with floating panels. Michelle decides to swap out the grandmother's jumpsuit for black pants, so it's not all red and blue. But she gets the pants on the dress form and hates them. So she cuts some navy pants, but she still doesn't like them. But she won't give up the print, which is maybe the problem if your neutrals don't go. Irina has everything started, but she loves details so she knows that will come up tomorrow. Biddell is overthinking Anne's critique, so he is just going to sleep on it.

Day Two. Biddell shows up in a sweatshirt, running shorts, and a headband. I don't know. He has decided to have fun. Like making patterned tights and putting bows down the front. Model time. Everybody seems to have a good reaction. Dmitry's family says it's out of the box for them but that's good. Biddell asks mom about the colors she has and asks what she likes and basically says he normally would be a clown and use all the colors but that's not what she wants. Her kids encourage her to wear a strapless bra for a day. In the end mom is going to get a black dress. Michelle shows grandma the jacket and black pants, and she says it's too serious. So Michelle grabs the colored pants off the floor and grandma loves it. Sure. Michelle brags that the key to dealing with clients is to trick them into thinking they're making their own choices, when in reality they're doing what you want. OK I get that on this show you are penalized for listening to the client, but if that's how you treat your clients in the real world? You realize you just went on TV and said “I don't give a shit what people want, they're going to get what I give them and furthermore I'm going pull one over on them so they think it's their idea!” So now I feel like you think all your clients are idiots. Grandma loves her outfit. The other stupid part of this is, IT WAS UNNECESSARY. Your clients don't know what Anne said. All that bullshit drama about hating the neutral pants and there was absolutely no reason you couldn't have just shown her the colored pants in the first place. Biddell is annoyed because his competition is adorable small child and happy grandma.

Michelle announces to the room she's taking a break and calling her family. She goes to talk to her husband, who says “Surprise!” and either the surprise is her dog or the producers knew they should really emphasize family today and made him call her. Everyone gets a call home, and they all talk about their families and being homesick. Irina's mom has cancer and she says the news isn't great. So now she's got that in her mind. Biddell interviews that he really wants to get to the finale.

Runway Day. I think Biddell is wearing coveralls, like something you'd put over your clothes to do really dirty work, but knee-length. Michelle tells us that the last time she was on All-Stars this is the episode when she was eliminated. She's also complaining about how she hasn't started her jacket, but she needs to, but she doesn't want to, blah blah. Irina asks if she's having another pity party, and Michelle denies it but says she'll call Irina when it happens. And Irina just says “Don't.” and interviews about how much she hates self-pity. She makes it sound like she won't accept any kind of negativity or complaining, although the lengths Michelle has gone to announce to everyone how she doesn't want to do this work seem pretty annoying. Like, Michelle can maybe cool it with the dramatics, but Irina's statements make it sound like if Michelle was simply out of time and worried she wouldn't finish, she should still suck it up and not say anything. I don't know. I also notice Michelle has made herself a handkerchief out of the red and blue fabric that she has prominently attached to her wrist. Irina's family coos over the pants and completely ignores the fact that the son's shirt is missing several buttons and is gaping open. Biddell's mom is thrilled and gives him a giant hug. Hot makeup guy Scott. Michelle's son is thrilled with his look, which is at least somewhat interesting and it's touching that he likes it so much.

The photo shoot is like, in a hallway with a backdrop. Maybe it's not a hallway but it certainly is cinderblocks and random lumber in the corner. Everyone looks cute, of course. They're all happy anyway.

OK Alyssa has a topknot, a rusty orange jumpsuit with a huge silver buckle that is as wide as her waist, and a sheer cape in the same orange. And you know what? It works. The pants aren't tight, and the cape is dramatic, and she doesn't look short OR wide like she often does. Guest judge is Anne. Are you serious. So that's why she was so insistent they don't listen to the clients. She knew she'd be involved in the judging. Biddell: the daughter has a knee length dress with long sleeves. It's pretty shapeless, but with a band hem. More like a big sweatshirt. It's one shouldered, but with long sleeves on both arms. Then there are matching leggings, with three yellow bows on each of her legs, down the front of her shins. It looks like both pieces are in a bright mottled print, mostly yellow and pink with some black. Mom has a black pencil skirt and a black jacket with a short peplum. The sleeves are very wide and have banding at the wrists like a varsity jacket. I think the sleeves are also leather (or at least faux leather) so they're a slightly different shade of black from the main part of the jacket. The top part of the jacket is off the shoulder, with a little bit of a shawl collar. Son has a varsity jacket in navy with white sleeves, and the same banding as mom. The shirt and socks are the same print as the daughter's pieces. The jeans look fine, maybe a tiny bit short, but they're clearly not the point. So Biddell repeated fabrics and styles to tie everything together. Also his family has great facial expressions.

Dmitry: OK the first mom has a black dress, tea length and off the shoulder, with the stupid floating panels. From the knee down and the sleeves (which stop at the elbow) he's cut wavy strips, and then between the strips are sheer pieces that are the same width. It's fine but 1. loose peasanty kind of dress and 2. sheer panels. Again. Also some appliqued flowers on the shoulders. The son is wearing a white vest and black pants. There are slim long black sleeves, and it's not clear if he's wearing a shirt under the sweater vest-looking white part or if it's all one piece. The pants are whatever, although when he stops at the end of the runway they fall weirdly so one leg is really wide and one is narrow. At the neck it looks like a V-neck vest and a crew neck shirt but you can see it's a floating panel. Second mom has black palazzo pants and a dusty rose velvet top. The top has short sleeves with a horizontal sheer strip (of course) and then a wrap style closure with a black sash/tie. It doesn't fit her waist very closely (the tie is at her hips) and she looks pretty boxy. Not to mention dated.

Michelle: the son has what looks like a black jumpsuit, with short sleeves but maybe a long sleeved shirt underneath? Buttons and a pointed collar like a regular shirt and then also a belt. And a pocket square in the red and blue fabric. At first I thought it was a long tunic, but I think maybe it just has a dropped crotch. Grandma has a jacket and wide pants in the red and blue mottled fabric. The jacket has a big silver zipper up the front, and I guess a sweetheart neckline? I can't tell if it's crooked or the blue of the print makes it look weird. The sleeves hit just below the elbow and the side panels of the jacket are navy. It fits well, anyway. The daughter has a knee-length dress, in a striped print. It's not just two colors on the stripes, it's a bunch of different colors and thicknesses. The top has a high neck and horizontal stripes down to just below her hips, and then vertical stripes in the skirt. There's a cold-shoulder thing happening in the top, and her sleeves are very wide and also horizontal. The sides of the sleeves are slit too.

Irina: mom has a leather pencil skirt with a vertical strip of a darker black (maybe non-leather?). The top is burgundy, with a thin strip of neon yellow down the front. The sleeves are loose but gathered at the wrist, and it looks like there are shoulder pads. And I think a narrow keyhole in the top? The kid has dark pants, and a yellow, white, and black checkered shirt. And a navy or black cardigan with neon yellow strips along the hems and lining the pockets. The godmother has black pants and an off-the-shoulder black top with long sleeves. The top has that same folded strip she did last week, and then the sleeves have lace panels over her upper arms and are wide at the ends. Not quite bell sleeves, but another lace panel at the wrist and some volume. There's also a peplum on the top. I can't tell if the pants have anything going on, but they look fine. The back of the top has what looks like leather strips in a pattern, outlining the panels.

Alyssa says Dmitry and Irina are going to be judged first, and then Biddell and Michelle. She does not say they're the top. Alyssa makes sure to say they're critiquing clothes and not people. Irina is up first, and she says the godmother wanted something to wear to house showings, as a real estate agent. Georgina likes the off-the-shoulder top, and the burgundy blouse, but she wants a bit more. Isaac is bored? Everyone went “very real”. Irina also insists everything is navy, no black, but the lace is very obviously bluer than the other fabric. Anne thinks the cardigan on the son is the best thing on the entire runway, but in terms of design it's a step back for her. The back of the cardigan has one of those vertical pleats, which is fairly impressive. Alyssa doesn't like the full navy outfit because she thinks the proportions are off.

Dmitry talks about his cutouts, and the son's pants are terrible. There's nothing too them design-wise, so they just look like he picked out suit pants that were five sizes too big. Isaac of course loves Dmitry's dress that looks like every other dress he does, but he does not like the pants and velvet top combo. She looks boxy. And the son is so boring, like Dmitry had to do menswear so it was an afterthought. Dmitry insists he'd wear that outfit. Anne tells everyone she told Dmitry she needed “more Dmitry” and so he just did the cutouts he always does. Good, I'm glad someone said it. But then the other two looks don't look like him. Georgina nitpicks that on the black triangle cutout on the son's shirt, you can see some of the white fabric behind and it looks like he screwed up. It's all tasteful though. Alyssa loves the portrait but not the runway walk. There's some shoulder pads/padding on the velvet top, but it needs to be cinched at the waist.

Biddell says the kids felt like “it kids” so he went with it and made mom their manager. He also says he's been told his work was too junior so he thought this would be the perfect time to embrace it. Ha! That's perfect. Georgina doesn't love the print, but it works in this context. Mom's jacket is great, but the pencil skirt is too office-y. The kids are so bright and fashion-y and mom doesn't fit in with that as well as she could. Isaac says it's all fresh, and he loves the colored socks on the son. There is some discussion of a white T-shirt instead of the matching print, but the son loved the print more. Mom's figure comes through, but maybe if the skirt was longer or maybe capris? Anne makes some comments about how to take photos, and then asks to see the dress under the jacket. I didn't even think that came off! She's got a strapless sweetheart neckline and she looks amazing. Alyssa says it's all age appropriate and great.

Michelle wanted to keep everyone as individuals and not match a ton. The jumpsuit has big patch pockets at the waist, and the shirt underneath has some sparkle to it. But then the pointed collar on the jumpsuit is very uneven. Like, one side is way longer than the other side. Georgina likes the idea, but she wishes there was a brighter color underneath. Grandma's print is somehow depressing and it doesn't photograph well. I'm not sure why? Isaac likes the neckline on the jacket, but of course he would like something other than black on the jumpsuit. Anne doesn't think the fabrics work. But I think everyone likes the daughter's dress. Alyssa hates the printed pants.

Irina did a decent job, and Isaac likes the looks, but Georgina is bored and the looks don't go together. Anne tells everyone Irina's grown as a designer this season, and I'm not sure what that means exactly but if that's shade thrown at Dmitry for doing floating panels and cutouts eight million times then I'm all for it. Biddell clearly liked his family, and everything was fun. The only drawback was mom was very subdued, compared to the kids. Dmitry's clothing wasn't offensive but it was very safe. Isaac and Georgina both argue that Dmitry is better than Irina, because they've been doing that this entire damn season because I guess the producers decided he's making the finale. Anne reminds them that they've seen the black dress a million times, and Isaac is all “well that's because he's a really good designer.” Isaac. Are you just trying to get in his pants or what. Do you make the same dress over and over and over again? Also, let's not forget that you and Georgina bitched about Michelle using a floating panel twice because you've seen it. Please do explain how that's a travesty but Dmitry repeating himself is “good design.” No one liked Michelle's print fabric. Georgina says she doesn't see Michelle in these clothes at all. At some point at least one judge is on record as saying they want to see a finale collection from each person.

Anne says it's tough to decide who is going home today because they clearly all had trouble pleasing their clients. ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS ANNE. You told ALL of them that the judges wouldn't give a SHIT about their clients! This is all YOUR fault! JFC if you're going to have fucking arbitrary judging at least get your fucking stories straight so you don't contradict yourselves and make it so damn obvious this judging has no basis in reality. Georgina gives a brief argument for everyone moving on, and they do manage to find a couple of Dmitry's looks that don't have cutouts.

The winner is Biddell. Yay! He says it feels good to be proud of what he's doing. Irina is in. Michelle and Dmitry are left, so Alyssa says there's a twist. Oh, don't make them do a one hour sewing challenge or some shit. No, it's just that everyone is in, meaning all four of them will be in the finale. Please tell me this is because Alyssa and Anne put their feet down about including Dmitry, but the producers also refused to budge so they had to let everyone in. But I don't want to talk about four collections. Michelle goes back to the Scrap Bin and fake cries because she can't just be normal, she needs more attention.

Next week: finale collections, some previous season people, blah blah. It might be late, or up on Thursday. It depends on how late I can stay awake.