TAR16, Recap Leg 5, 3/14/10

Welcome to Leg 5! Last time, on She‘s Like the Lesbian Aunt I Never Had, teams raced across the Atlantic to Hamburg, Germany. The Intersection came back from the dead to force people to go bungee jumping, but didn’t hurt anyone much. Well, except for Joe’s knee. And Caite and Jordan, who got lost. And then after the Intersection got lost again. Jordan and Jeff came in last but were saved by a non-elimination leg. Who will be eliminated. . . next? (click for more)

Kmanpat is in Hong Kong. I know, right? Perhaps he will take the Star Ferry or possibly visit Victoria Park. So I get to recap while he gallivants around. (Kmanpat: “My bags went to L.A. Does that count?”)

Arrival at the pit stop last episode:
1st – Louie/Michael, Team Sherlock
2nd – Steve/Allie, Team World Series
3rd – Joe/Heidi, The Asians
4th – Jet/Cord, The Cowboy Brothers
5th – Carol/Brandy, The Lesbians
6th – Dan/Jordan, Team I Love You Bro!
7th – Brent/Caite, Team Like The Iraq Such As
8th – Jordan/Jeff, Team Big Brother

Indra Club, Hamburg, Germany

While at the Pit Stop, everyone gets on a bus to be taken to an “unknown destination”. Jeff says “I’m almost guaranteeing we are not coming in last this leg.” Joe ices his leg but says other teams will not hinder him. I note these things for foreshadowing purposes.

Les Monthairons, France

9:35 AM Louie/Michael (1st)
Clue: Drive yourselves to Ste. Menehould and find Boulangerie Defontaine. Buy a fresh baguette to receive your next clue.

All they know is that they are southwest of Germany. Michael guesses correctly that they are in France. They also ask a postal worker for directions.

9:55 AM Steve/Allie (2nd)
10:11 AM Joe/Heidi (3rd) - Heidi feels their unconditional love for each other gives them an advantage.
10:36 AM Jet/Cord (4th) - who reveal that teams receive $20 for this leg of the race. Also Cord and Jet believe they are purchasing a “bag-OO-et”, which is some type of pastry. (Auburnium0513: “Aww…the French major in me is crying.”)
10:44 AM Carol/Brandy (5th)
10:57 AM Dan/Jordan (6th) - who celebrate loudly upon discovering the car is an automatic. 11:36 AM Brent/Caite (7th) - Caite says they are doing everything great, except for the part where they like to think they know where they are going, when they don’t.
12:17 PM Jordan/Jeff (8th) - but everyone should look out for them! Dangerous!

Teams arrive at the Boulangerie and purchase bread in the following order:

1- Louie/Michael
2- Steve/Allie
3- Joe/Heidi
4- Jet/Cord
5- Carol/Brandy
6- Dan/Jordan
7- Brent/Caite
8- Jordan/Jeff - after getting lost. Jeff makes my “Big Ben! Parliament!” joke for me. Jordan talks with her mouth full and the Amazing Editors subtitle her with “???????”

Once teams discover that the clue is inside the baguette, they are instructed to drive to La Main de Massiges, which is a WWI battlefield.

Teams arrive at La Main de Massiges in the following order:

1- Louie/Michael
2- Steve/Allie
3- Joe/Heidi
4- Dan/Jordan
5- Carol/Brandy
6- Jet/Cord
7- Brent/Caite
8- Jordan/Jeff

However, once they arrive, Jordan and Jeff find the Speed Bump.

SPEED BUMP:

A speed bump is a task that must be performed by the last place team on a non-elimination leg. Once they complete this task, they may return to the place where the speed bump occurred and continue the leg. In this speed bump, teams must reinforce a section of the trench using branches. Once an engineer approves of their construction, they will receive their next clue.

(Auburnium0513: “This seems to be the most substantial Speed Bump we’ve seen.”)

Teams complete the Speed Bump in the following order:

1- Jordan/Jeff

Everyone else can proceed directly to the Detour Clue.

DETOUR:
In the Trenches OR Under Fire
*In the Trenches: Teams will find a communication station in one of the trenches. Using a field manual, they must translate a message being broadcast in Morse code.
*Under Fire: Teams must crawl 100 yards through a muddy field with barbed wire, to receive a message from a French soldier in a machine gun nest. Then they must crawl back to safety.
In both Detour options, teams will dress as American doughboys. When they receive their message, either from translating or from the French soldier, they will attach it to a homing pigeon, who will deliver the message to headquarters that the war is over. Oh, did I mention there is a battle reenactment going on? So there are explosions and gunfire. Well, fake explosions and fake gunfire, anyway.

1-Louie/Michael choose Under Fire - because they don’t want to deal with Morse code. Good idea since they are unsure who they are supposed to be fighting or even what war it is.
2-Steve/Allie choose Under Fire
3-Joe/Heidi choose Under Fire – because Joe insists he can crawl with his knee. He’s comfortable on all fours.
4-Dan/Jordan choose Under Fire - and Jordan really gets into it with his fake British accent and checking on his “fellow soldiers”.
5-Carol/Brandy choose Under Fire - because Carol feels this Detour is “physical vs. needle in a haystack”. Brandy is not pleased about getting dirty.
6-Jet/Cord choose Under Fire - Will no one brave Morse code? Although, they did take off their cowboy hats.
7-Brent/Caite choose Under Fire - there is a nice cut from Brandy saying “Smart people do Morse code. Dumb people do this” right to Caite and Brent.
8-Jordan/Jeff choose Under Fire

Teams complete the detour in the following order:

1- Louie/Michael
2- Steve/Allie
3- Joe/Heidi
4- Dan/Jordan
5- Jet/Cord
6- Carol/Brandy
7- Brent/Caite
8- Jordan/Jeff

Teams are then instructed to head south down the road, where they encounter the U-Turn.

CAUTION: U-TURN AHEAD

This is a U-Turn. Teams may choose to u-turn any team they wish (well, the team has to be behind them), but they may only use the U-Turn once during the race. If a team is u-turned, they must go back to the Detour choices and complete the Detour that they did not complete. This U-Turn is blind, meaning no one will know who is responsible. Phil, during his explanation, does not say how many U-Turns there will be on this race.

1-Louie/Michael choose to U-Turn Joe/Heidi – for the sole reason that Joe is too cocky and “needs to be humbled“. Really? You don’t want to use it to make sure Jeff/Jordan don’t recover? Not what I would have done at all. They also fail to realize that since everyone knows they are in the lead, and Steve and Allie have been with Joe and Heidi, that this really isn’t such a “blind” U-turn.
2-Steve/Allie cannot U-Turn
3-Joe/Heidi have been U-Turned - so they head back to In the Trenches. Heidi doesn’t seem to have a lot of trouble with it, but they don’t get the entire message the first time listening, and then they start having trouble. I feel really bad for them.
4-Jet/Cord cannot U-Turn - but they do pass Dan and Jordan on the road.
5-Dan/Jordan cannot U-Turn - Jordan says he doesn’t like guns. He likes swords.
6-Carol/Brandy cannot U-Turn
7-Brent/Caite cannot U-Turn - although they have decided that “head south down the road” doesn’t necessarily require following the road.
8-Jordan/Jeff cannot U-Turn

Teams find their next clue, which tells them to march to town and find the Church of Massiges.

Teams find the Church of Massiges in the following order:

1- Louie/Michael
2- Steve/Allie
3- Jet/Cord
4- Dan/Jordan
5- Carol/Brandy
6- Brent/Caite
7- Jordan/Jeff

Teams will now put on “traditional” gear (including fake mustaches) and ride antique bicycles (built over 100 years ago) 4 miles in honor of the inaugural Tour de France. At the end of the course is the PIT STOP of the fifth leg of this racearoundtheworld. The last team to check in MAY be eliminated.

1- Louie/Michael – who each win a 55 inch HDTV.
2- Steve/Allie
3- Jet/Cord - Cord: “This is why I like horses better than bicycles. You don’t have to pedal a horse!”
4- Dan/Jordan - Jordan: “Do I look like Lance Armstrong or do I look like Lance Armstrong?” No.
5- Carol/Brandy -“You take spinning three times a week! You should be kicking my ass at this!”
6- Brent/Caite - who were sixth, but since they did not get their clue at the U-turn stand, they were forced to go back and get it. Luckily for them they are still in 6th place when they return.
7- Jordan/Jeff
8- Joe/Heidi - and Phil has to come to the trenches to get them.

So Joe and Heidi are eliminated. Boo! Phil at least tells them the coded message. Joe is proud of Heidi and Heidi is proud to have Joe.

ORDER NOW:
1st – Louie/Michael
2nd – Steve/Allie
3rd – Jet/Cord
4th – Dan/Jordan
5th – Carol/Brandy
6th – Brent/Caite
7th – Jordan/Jeff

Next week: Brent and Caite break down. And then they break stuff too. Until next time!