Saturday, October 7, 2017

Bromans 10/5/17--Season 1 Episode 4 summary

Previously on “Bromans”: so I guess whenever someone is eliminated they'll bring on a new pair so there are always eight lads. Our new pair is Callum and Rachel. The lads have to do some cross-training or something, with Doctore yelling at them. He declares Brandon and Glenn the “winners”, because they pushed themselves the hardest or whatever. They and their girlfriends won massages, and that's about it. Well, I guess the other guys saw them as a “threat” or whatever. The girls made plaster molds of their body parts and I learned apparently ITV or whatever network this is has no problem with showing a penis but they won't show a naked breast. The actual challenge was to use a slingshot, and most of the lads failed miserably. Liam and Jordan were put up for banishment, and only Dino and Cherelle voted for Liam, but then Dominus says no one is being sent home. (click for more)

Less nudity this morning and more line dancing. Dominus and Doctore discuss how if they feed Jordan and Liam to the lions there's too much red tape. Truth. Jade tells her boyfriend to take this seriously, but he seems determined to get her to have sex with him. Calm down, dude. Ellie basically tells Liam they need to start winning, as if he wasn't trying. I mean maybe he wasn't. Liam curses and they bleep it, and I still can't figure out when they bleep cursing and when they don't. Jordan asks Jade to spot him while he does sit-ups, by putting her hand on his dick. Of course.

Dominus and Doctore finally come down the the courtyard to make everyone line up. Some random “guards” show up to shackle Liam and Jordan and put them in jail. There are now two free spaces for training, and Doctore tells Jade and Ellie they'll be standing in. Interesting. Jade says Doctore is hot so whatever. Attagirl. Ellie is ready to go, because she couldn't do any worse than Liam since he's lost all four challenges he's been in. Heh. Tom makes basically the same comment and someone mocks him for being all tough now that Liam's not there. Tom says of course, because Liam is massive and will beat him up. For several viewings I thought he said “he'll beat me off” which was hilarious.

Jordan and Liam are both in the same cell, shackled to the floor by one ankle, joking about how their girlfriends probably want them to stay in there. I think someone was hoping something would happen in there. I see you, producer who is playing out their own personal fan fiction.

The lads (plus Jade and Ellie) head for the Cesspit for head-to-head battles. They have to battle for sandbags, and I guess there's three so you have to get two of them? I mean Kai's not here to fuck up the rules so I'm sure everyone will figure it out.

Dino vs. Brandon. They are next to each other on pillars, and you jump off and swim/run through the water. It looks about waist deep, and Brandon's strategy is to try to swim. Dino gets his hands on the third bag first, so Brandon wrestles him but can't stop him from making the pillar.

Callum vs. Glenn. Glenn claims to be like a fish, but Callum is way faster. I mean he is basically stiff-arming Glenn and Glenn is just flailing. Like an older brother beating up on a younger sibling. That was sad, I like Glenn but he looked pretty useless right then. But I do also like Callum and Rachel so I'm glad to see him succeed and probably be safe for a while.

Tom vs Tian. Tian is just barely faster, but Tom manages to get the bag away from him somehow. When they get back by Tom's pillar, Tian manhandles him and actually slams the side of his head into the pillar. Damn. I mean they are really going at it, both underwater at times, but finally Tom gets the bag on the corner of his pillar and he wins.

Ellie vs. Jade, or as announcer Roman says, “the main event.” They're both ready to go, Ellie especially glad she's doing this and not her boyfriend. Jade says some trash talk about Ellie being too short. Jade is the only person to just jump off the pillar instead of sitting down first and then sliding off. Jade gets to the third bag, but Ellie is ruthless and dunks her. Jade panics a little bit, but Ellie says she just swallowed whatever water was in her mouth and kept going. Suddenly they both are just standing there, because Jade dropped the bag and Ellie didn't get her hands on it, so it's somewhere in the water. As they look for it, suddenly Ellie gets a weird look on her face and starts moving sideways, not looking at Jade and not standing up. Someone in the audience shouts at Jade that Ellie's got the bag, but Jade ignores them. When Ellie is far enough away she stands up and takes off, since she really did have the bag. Even I figured out she had the bag. Ellie says this is why she's the boss in the relationship.

Summer kisses Glenn's boo-boos. Aww. She tells him not to mope around and use his loss as motivation. He claims he'll be better tomorrow, and she promises she still loves him. Liam and Jordan have been locked up for two whole hours and Liam is irritated. Whatever. Jade is apparently also complaining. I wonder if she wanted him to comfort her after her loss and she doesn't have that. She's saying sweet things while Jordan says he just wants her to come sit on his face for five minutes. Cute.

Roman says Ancient Rome was full of sexist pigs so it's time for the girls to make dinner. Well, there's only six of them, so I think Jade and Ellie got a pass. The sign says “The Coquus Kitchen”. “Coquus” means “cook” so first of all, this sign says “The Cook Kitchen” which is dumb. But I'm sure no one picked this for any actual Latin and instead realized it sort of looks like “cock” so slap it on a sign already. These girls don't really know how to cook in the first place, and now Rachel and Summer are presented with whole rabbits. I mean, I love rabbit, but we are talking unskinned rabbits with the heads. I think they are gutted though. Maybe? Rachel thinks it's a cat. Cherelle and Natalie get lamb's heads with brains and tongue. And eyeballs. Cherelle asks didn't they have supermarkets? Sigh. Nicola and Rhiannon get a pig's head and what looks like a leg. Nicola says she can deal with that, because it's meat and it's not a rabbit.

There is now a montage of shrieking and crying and girls being squeamish. Dominus tells the camera this is a favorite pastime of the Emperor. Many happy nights they've sat there, “choppers in hands, just slapping away at meat.” God bless you, show. I will say that giving one pair whole rabbits that aren't skinned is not the same level as a pig's leg. I mean Nicola is making sausage but whatever. That's not that bad. Summer and Rachel are skinning the rabbit, and discovering it is NOT gutted which is rude. I'm sorry but they had to skin a rabbit, cut off the feet and head, and then gut it and clean it. Cherelle and Natalie have to open up a lamb's skull, and then Nicola and Rhiannon are making sausage. These three things are not the same difficulty.

The boys are discussing what food their girlfriends would be. Natalie is a strawberry because she is “sweet and moist”. Rhiannon would be quinoa, which makes not sense and is not explained. Callum says Rachel is like a pear, and his description is odd but also smooth, like he's described her this way before. Summer is chicken korma, “creamy and sweet”. Sigh. Glenn is odd but at least that was a nice thing.

The girls are sort of spicing meat and making salad or whatever they think they are doing. Oh and then the boys come in so they're going to have to actually eat this stuff? This just got much more interesting. Someone asks if something is a lobster, which is just a really pathetic grasp on reality, you know? Nothing here remotely looks like lobster, and you might be excused for not recognizing a whole rabbit, but it certainly is not a lobster. Nicola and Rhiannon serve up what looks like pork burgers, which everyone seems to like. As far as I can tell they don't tell the boys what it is, although I suppose they could get away with “pork sausage” and not say it's headcheese or whatever. Someone notices Cherelle is holding her nose while she mixes, which is not a good sign. It looks like a salad, so meat on top of lettuce and tomato pieces. The boys gag and Cherelle jumps up and down with excitement so she can tell them what it is. The rabbit looks burned. Glenn is still barfing and Summer basically tells him she's never cooking again. Rabbit is delicious and I'm sad you fucked it up.

Dominus tells the girls he would try their food, but he needs to keep his appetite because “the Emperor has promised me a little tongue later on.” Hee. No one laughs as loud as I do. Because they did such a good job everyone gets to go to a cocktail party, “at the Emperor's expense”. Glenn is proud of Summer since she's never cooked and she tried. Meanwhile Liam and Jordan can hear everyone cheering. That's mean and I approve. Jordan thinks they're going to die in there. No, that's too much paperwork. Ellie comes in where the jail cell is and tells the boys she did training and she won, so he gets to come out. Jordan has to stay. That sucks. When he comes out, Ellie immediately tells him he needs a shower. When they get back to the villa, Liam announces to everyone that Jordan has to stay probably overnight, and the only reason he's out is because Ellie smashed the training. Jade immediately starts crying. Aww. I think she just decided this is all her fault.

Now everyone goes to that stupid “Club Colosseum” they made up, so they can all drink and act dumb. Callum calls something “sick” and then says he never says “sick” but now he does since he's been hanging out with this lot. Jade wants to make a toast because it's been a long day, and Jordan isn't there, but they can toast in his honor, I guess. Dominus arrives to see Jordan in jail, to rub it in that he's missing the party. But never fear! Dominus has brought an excerpt from his one-man show, “I, Dominus”, to read to Jordan. Hee! Jordan begs to be released, and eventually he gets let out to join the party. Aww, it's too bad he didn't have to listen to more of Dominus's terrible poetry. Jordan arrives at the party and everyone gets very excited and jumps up and down. Jordan thinks he's changed. He was locked up for like 15 hours, which is nothing to sneeze at, but certainly not a lot. Everyone makes it back to bed except Jordan and Jade are outside, alone, talking about how much they missed each other. Jordan still wants to have sex. Sigh.

Today is Summer's birthday. Woo. Glenn writes a rap for her, with Callum's help. I think we all know this will be terrible. Summer knows there's a rap happening, and she says Glenn thinks he can rap but he really can't. Hee.

Today's training is head-to-head wrestling. In the arena there is a ring set up, like the size of a sumo wrestling space. Get your opponent out of the ring. Oh also your girlfriends will be oiling up your opponents. I still see you, whoever is living their fantasies through this show. Two oiled up boys, wrestling in underwear. I see you. I'm not complaining, though.

Tian vs. Dino. Roman announces this as “Rome's version of keys in a bowl” and Dominus says he and Doctore should have given them a demonstration. Ha! They should have. Also the background music to this is Ginuwine's “Pony” which you may recognize from “Magic Mike”. Anyway, that happens, with Doctore's comment to Dino that his girlfriend knows how to treat a man and Dominus's comment to Doctore that he's paid good money to see things like this. Clearly. “Sometimes the simplest tests are the best.” Truth. Anyway the wrestling part is good, because these two are a good size match. Eventually they both fall out, but I think Dino was in control as they fell so Tian hit first. As Dino was pulling his speedo off. Look I just report the facts. So Dino wins.

Brandon vs. Glenn. Summer asks Brandon not to hurt Glenn. Brandon says some shit about “Girthy Glenn” but he goes on for too long and it's pretty lame. They're both fast, and mostly scrabble around in the sand, until Brandon actually picks Glenn up off the ground and carries him halfway across the ring to dump him out. Well that was decisive. Summer tells Jade that she hates watching Glenn wrestle, and Jade lets her know Doctore told Glenn he did a good job when it was over. Aww.

Liam vs. Tom. Liam says he's had bigger shits than Tom. Heh. Liam asks Rhiannon how it feels to touch a real man, and she kind of shrugs and says “it's not real, though.” OH SHIT SON. That was cold. Tom says he's surprised he's not wrestling Ellie instead. Damn, that was cold too. Tom is trying to be quick and dodge, I think, and not get caught up by Liam. They sort of shove each other, but then Tom gets his arms around one of Liam's thighs and manages to get him off balance and shove him backwards out of the ring. Liam really isn't very good at any of this, is he? Ellie says thank fuck she won yesterday.

Jordan vs. Callum. Callum does that think where you blow into your thumb and pretend to blow up your middle finger to flip someone off. Jordan is hyper. They have a good tussle, actually, but eventually Jordan gets Callum up off the ground. He slams him down, but not actually outside of the ring. They keep going until they both fall out, and I though Callum had been in control but they decide Jordan is the winner.

Back at the villa, Glenn brings a cake for Summer for her birthday, wearing a gold wreath for no reason. Then he does his rap, which is not even on beat. Come the fuck on. Someone needs to beatbox or at least beat on the table. At the end he tries to sing but that fails too. Well that was terrible, but Summer says she's going to cry. Roman says “Come on, it wasn't that bad.” Heh. The boys discuss who will be up for banishment. Liam says he's good at chess. Sigh. Ellie says she won, anyway. Summer reassures Glenn that he's been doing good.

Time for Dominus to kiss the Emperor's ass and Doctore to look skeptical and the audio editors to play the theme from “House” for some reason. Liam sucks, but Ellie did well. Tian won one and lost one. Glenn kind of sucks also, but Doctore really likes Glenn. I guess he has hidden depths or something.

Banishment. Tian and Glenn are up for banishment. Aww. I like Glenn too. Tian says he loves everyone and it is what it is. Glenn hasn't done that great, but at the beginning he was doing great, and after this they'll all get “fucked up the sauce”. I think that's that he said. I'm not sure how the discussion is going, but I think people will vote Glenn because he is weaker. Liam says that anyway, but Liam sucks so of course that would be his strategy. In the end the vote is dead even. Interestingly, the girls voted for Tian and the lads for Glenn, with the exception of Cherelle and Dino who were flipped. Huh. Anyway, the Emperor has the final word, and he banishes Tian. He apologizes to Natalie, who says “don't be silly”. He's actually in a pretty good space, since he's made some friends and he's had a great time.

Next time: a new couple and everyone is grumpy about the girl for whatever reason, and there seems to be a fight. Or at least, suddenly production assistants out of costume are on-screen standing between people.

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