Saturday, October 21, 2017

Bromans 10/19/17--Season 1 Episode 6 summary

Previously on “Bromans”: new contestants Chet and Helen wasted no time in irritating everyone, especially since Helen and Nicola already hate each other. They sniped at each other constantly, Nicola giving just as good as she got, while Chet managed to piss off both Dino and Callum. The girls had to put on performances, and Summer and Ellie won a wine and cheese party for themselves and their boyfriends. Meanwhile Helen jumped Nicola and was removed, and then Chet mouthed off at Callum, who rushed him but nothing happened. They were kicked out, and then Dominus said that someone else would go home and Liam and Ellie were also banished, which was too bad. The boys had to haul bags in the Cesspit, and Liam did really well, but it was too little too late. (click for more)

This show has really grown on me. I didn't think it would, because I thought it would just be terrible and I would hate everyone. But I don't actually hate these guys. I think I thought everyone would be like Chet and Helen, and I didn't even realize it until Chet and Helen actually showed up to be a contrast to the rest of the cast.

We open with a shot of Brandon putting makeup on Jordan. I really don't know. Sure. Dominus rolls into the courtyard to tell everyone that today is laundry day. Because everyone needs to look their best for “the big day” or whatever. They have to get “Roman detergent”, which Dominus explains is found in Rome by harnessing “the cleaning power of the human body: urine.” So...that is actually true. Huh. Everyone giggles, because they haven't yet realized they're going to be peeing in buckets and carrying these buckets around. Also there is a big “stall” in the courtyard with a half-door on it, so that everyone can see you peeing. Because of course there is. Glenn gags and Summer also gags and says his piss smells terrible.

The boys get to leave and go train. Sadly no one says anything about drilling. Doctore says some stuff about not being losers, or whatever, it's all the same thing he always says. Each lad gets a wrestling helmet and a blindfold, and a Q-tip staff. They will start on opposite ends of the ring, and they'll have to find their opponent. Each lad has bells between his legs, so hopefully you can hear through all that padding. Big square ring today.

Brandon vs. Callum. Brandon says he can smell the gingerbread biscuits from here. Hee. Callum is slowly creeping across the ring, while Brandon's idea I guess is to crawl on his belly until he thinks he knows where Callum is. Suddenly they both find each other and then it's easy to beat on each other. Brandon drops his weapon and while he's flailing around trying to find it, he puts his hand outside the ring and loses. I like Callum so I'm glad but that's kind of a cheap win.

Meanwhile the girls try to pee while squatting over a bucket while everyone encourages them. Sigh.

Jordan vs. Glenn. Jade thinks these two are like Dumb and Dumber. Probably. This trash talking consists of Glenn being scrawny and Jordan being fat. Eh. They went for it, anyway. There is a ton of swinging until they meet in the middle. Actually they miss each other a lot which is hilarious. Jordan flings his staff and tries to take Glenn's instead. As it flies off it looks like there's a string on it so it can't get too far away from you. Jordan lands on top of Glenn, who seems to stumble a bit when he gets up. Jordan keeps hitting him and they happen to be near the edge so Glenn just sort of stumbles out of the ring. Glenn thinks Jordan cheated when he tried to take his staff. I don't think that was against the rules? Summer is currently telling Jade she's glad Glenn has a friend like Jordan here, just in case you didn't get the foreshadowing. Glenn confronts Jordan about trying to take the staff, with some profanity, but Jordan doesn't care because he doesn't think it was cheating. Glenn is actually pissed, I think.

Tom vs. Dino. In Tom's pre-match interview he says that Dino is full of shit so he should be able to smell that. Ha! Announcer Roman says these two are the next “to take a pounding in the ring.” I guess that makes up for no drilling comments. When the match starts, Tom just takes off running and stops almost in the middle of the ring. There is not much flailing before they find each other. It looks like a good match actually. They both stand still, trying to figure out where the other one is, and then Dino steps backwards and out of the ring. Aww. Tom thinks he proved Dino is a bastard, which I don't think is true. You and Callum got lucky wins.

Back in the courtyard Glenn is still mad, and Jordan I guess has decided they're not friends anymore and Glenn can't take it. Glenn is telling Summer how Jordan “cheated” and that dirty move kept him from winning. Glenn, that wasn't a dirty move. Get over it. Summer comes over to Jordan? Yell at him? Jordan doesn't have much to say except “you can do better than him” which is pretty harsh. Both Summer and Jade tell him that's out of order. Jordan thinks they could have shaken hands at the end of the match, but Glenn is holding a grudge and needs to grow up. Yeah, that's fair. Bringing Summer into your insults is crossing the line though.

Glenn doesn't like that Jordan called him a rat, and Summer tells him what Jordan said about how she could do better. Glenn wants to go say something right now, but Summer says Jordan was just trying to get a rise out of her and calms him down. Glenn declares that he's done speaking to Jordan. The boys outside ask how Tom feels, and he's great because he beat Dino. Dino insists that he has beat Dino, but both times it was because Dino screwed up so technically Tom hasn't actually beaten him. OK but you lost. Tom doesn't understand how he won but also didn't win, because it's dumb, and then Dino calls him a snake which makes even less sense. How is Tom a snake because you fucked up? Anyway, they both agree they can't wait until they meet in the ring again, and no one seems particularly mad.

OK time for the stupid laundry/piss task. There's a pile of “the Emperor's clothes” that they'll need to wash. In urine. The couple who “gets their hands dirtiest” will win a romantic dinner. Lots of gagging and dry heaving. Brandon and Cherelle argue about whose pee is better based on color. Cherelle jokes that when Dino is away she pees on his laundry. Jordan thinks he's found other bodily fluids on the sheets. Well at least they're trying to have fun. I wonder if this is really urine? I mean, it's gross, but urine is sterile when it comes out of your body. As Callum brushes a sheet, some liquid gets flicked onto Summer, who complains, which causes Callum to brush more vigorously, and then someone (probably Glenn) tries to fling liquid on him, and it degenerates into a water fight. Well, “urine” fight. Tom joins in. Actual children. Meanwhile Jordan, Dino, and Brandon are behaving themselves. Jordan and Jade see that Dominus has returned and they yell at him that they've just cleaned the skid marks out of his boxers. Dominus slowly blinks at the camera with a blank expression. This made me laugh harder than the water fight. Dominus is over there too, being collateral damage: “That's the true Rome, isn't it, bit on my legs as well...*sigh* This is living.” Hee.

Dominus tells everyone there were two contrasting styles: teamwork, and a huge piss fight. The adults here look over in disbelief, because I think they had no idea half their number were being children. Or that they would throw piss on each other. Dominus says the cleanest sheets belong to Dino and Cherelle so they win. They have a very nice dinner in some other courtyard where they can have a break from everyone. Tom is complaining to Jordan that it's tense, what with Jordan and Glenn and Tom himself and Dino. Jordan interrupts to ask if he trusts Dino, and Tom does not because Dino is so competitive he'd drop any of them in a heartbeat. He probably would. Tom says something about being in a corner with him and talking tactics, and Dino would throw him out? I am not sure what he's talking about. What trust do you need from Dino anyway? You know? Actually I would say if you believe Dino would screw you over to win, no matter what, then he's predictable which is actually good in terms of your strategy.

Dino is telling Cherelle about how Tom is full of himself and “I fucking hate him.” Jeez. I thought they were just shittalking but I guess Dino was actually pissed. Because Tom has beaten him twice and thinks he's great when he's not? But that means that's at least twice when you fucked up and lost, so it's not like Dino is so great. Cherelle thinks it's time to put friendships aside, because it's too close to the end. It probably is.

In the morning, Tom and Jordan discuss how if Dino loses, he'll probably be up for banishment and this would be the time to get rid of him so he can't be a threat later on. These two and their girlfriends all agree to vote against him, as the show cuts very frequently to Cherelle in a hammock, listening to everything. You dummies. She hollers at Dino right then that they all want to get rid of him. Jordan admits he didn't know she was there, but then goes on about how they're not the power couple they think they are. Yeah well you failed at the first rule of shittalking which is, fucking make sure you're not overheard by someone who is going to screw you over. Come on.

Cherelle gets out of the hammock and goes over to the table to further explain to Dino and Glenn and Summer about what just happened. Dino doesn't give a shit because of course they want to get rid of him. So he's not insulted, he'll just beat them later.

The Cesspit has been set up with two harnesses. Each lad will hold on to a rope and suspend their girlfriend over the water. First one to drop their girlfriend loses. So you just have to outlast one person? We're not timing this to get an overall winner and overall losers? OK.

Glenn vs. Brandon. Why not Glenn vs. Jordan? Summer is not really confident in her lad. So each rope is tied into a loop, and the lads have to hang on this loop. So it's hand strength too. I feel like if they could use their body weight, like tie the rope around themselves or around an arm or something, it would last longer. But if your fingers give out then you've lost, regardless of how strong the rest of you is. There is some weak trash talking from Glenn, easily countered by Nicola. Both lads are squatting, almost sitting down, with feet braced against some sandbags, arms and hands stretched out in front of them. Glenn starts to fidget, rising slightly, and then his hands slip and he loses. Brandon does a dumb victory dance and he and Nicola brag about Glenn's terrible trash talking. Summer is unhappy because a Roman wife doesn't deserve to be dunked in the Cesspit. I would like to know how long Glenn lasted.

Tom vs. Callum. Roman says that Tom is unbeaten. Is he? Whatever. Callum tells Tom he has short arms or something, and he'll drop his girlfriend within 5 seconds. Tom says he'll do 12, just to annoy him. Hee. This trash talking becomes personal insults about appearance, which is kind of weak. I am pretty sure Callum knows he's pale. Doctore mocks Tom's trembling and slipping. Tom is standing up by the end, but he can't hang on. Callum yells about how easy this is, then runs back and forth at the edge of the pit shouting “SHE-RA!” and holding one hand up. Oh Callum, you're my favorite. Tom apologizes to Rhiannon and confirms that he hasn't lost before.

Jordan vs. Dino. Cherelle is still pissed about Jordan planning to get rid of Dino. Dino is the biggest, but Cherelle is tall. She's not a small person. Jordan's very mouthy. Cherelle is very loud, while Dino is not really saying anything. Jordan talks back to her for awhile, but then he loses it and drops Jade. Jordan didn't want to lose. Dino is pleased with himself.

Back in the courtyard, Jordan and Jade are sitting on the steps, and Dino and Cherelle come to sit behind them. Why though? Just leave them alone and don't rub it in. Dino and Cherelle pick at Jordan's losing, as Jordan tells them they're not as great as they think they are. There is no reason to be here except to fuck with Jordan and if you're going to do that, then fine, but then you can't hold the moral high ground because Jordan was planning to vote against you. Jordan explains that he wouldn't want to keep Dino around to play against him, because it's about fucking winning now. Which is true. Cherelle says something about shutting his mouth, which is dumb. Well if Jordan had any feeling left for them they've destroyed it, so good job.

Before the banishment Glenn and Jordan sit down outside to talk. Glenn is upset that Jordan said shit to Summer and called him a rat. Well, Jordan says, you called me fat boy. Glenn thinks that was just their normal trash talking they always do, and I guess they both have done that and shrugged it off as part of competition. So the skinny/fat thing is their normal banter. But saying to Summer that she deserves better is below the belt and Glenn would like an apology, which Jordan promptly gives to him. Pretty sincerely, it looks like. Glenn says if they weren't friends, he wouldn't even bother to speak to him. Jordan tells him he should have just lost gracefully, but they can put this behind them. Water under the bridge. They hug it out. Aww! Who would have thought I would see a mature way to handle a disagreement on this terrible show?

Emperor time. Dominus acts like the Emperor was telling some story where everyone died, complete with fake laughing and kissing up. Doctore looks disgusted. Anyway, time for business. Jordan jokes too much and everyone is irritated. Glenn has failed twice today. Dino has been faltering, but Doctore thinks it's because the competition is tougher.

Banishment. Glenn and Jordan are up for banishment. OH GOOD THING THEY MADE UP JUST NOW. Sorry, but that was too well timed. Doctore says to them, no matter what, he's proud of them. Glenn says he's proud he made it this far, and he does want to be there and “go with your heart”. Jordan doesn't think it's his time to go, and yesterday he did beat Glenn. “Make the right decision”. Dominus asks Dino and Cherelle to vote, and they vote for Glenn. Then he makes them explain themselves, which seems only designed for drama. Dino explains that Jordan told him that if Dino was up, he'd vote against him, so fair is fair. Brandon and Nicola vote for Jordan, because they're both worthy but Glenn's been up for banishment three times, to Jordan's twice. Tom and Rhiannon vote Jordan, giving the same reason as Brandon. Callum and Rachel vote for Jordan. Aww. Callum says that when they first arrived, Jordan was the first to welcome them, and gave him a hard first challenge. He loves Glenn and wishes him the best. Glenn says he loves everyone and he appreciates what they've said. I'm sad. I like Glenn. They get applause as they leave. Summer is proud, and she's glad she doesn't have to watch him get slammed around any more. They're proud of themselves and had a great time.

Next time: a bunch of crying and one last banishment.

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