Thursday, February 5, 2015

Project Runway All Stars 2/5/15--"Some Like It Hot Dog" summary

Previously on Project Runway All-Stars: make bridesmaids gowns for some woman who was buying her wedding gown at Marchesa. Not the most exciting challenge, plus you supposedly have to be able to wear this thing again which we all know never happens. Helen won, even though her dress was really boring. But I guess boring means you can wear it again. Fabio had a jacked-up hem and I guess picked the wrong fabric and he was sent home. Sad times. (click for more)

Everyone is weird about almost being at the end. Helen remembers how this is when she was eliminated. So I wonder if she goes through since it’s apparently a thing. The challenge this week involves Marilyn Monroe and whatever Lifetime miniseries they made with her. The actress does look like her, anyway. She says the four finalists’ names but they don’t show her speaking so I’m sure they dubbed that in later. Design a red carpet gown “suitable for the Oscars” that will be “remembered for years to come”. Helen immediately crows that this is her challenge, while Sonjia says she never does red carpet. DO YOU GET THE EDITING!? Sigh. $500 and one day. Pff. Dmitry says you can’t do anything crazy in one day. Winner will “design the wardrobe for a leading character in an Original Lifetime Movie Event.” You know those words are capitalized like that.

Designing is not terribly interesting, except Helen thinks the judges expect a lot out of her and she is making a babe dress. Sonjia has an in-your-face bow. Also there’s a red carpet in the workroom for no reason. Michelle spends all her money on some burnout velvet. I think Dmitry buys fringe.

Now that Dmitry has a ton of fringe he wants to dye it. Michelle tells him he better get going then. He’s using tea to dye it, so it ends up kind of dingy looking. Sonjia has a bunch of gold lace and stuff. Michelle stirs the pot by asking Helen if she thinks her lace is sparkly enough, because “it’s not sparkling to me”. Helen is offended. But while being offended I get confirmation that she’s the designer who’s been dressing Mary Lambert which is cool. I think Sonjia is tying a shawl for her bow.

Isaac shows up for no reason, and after Helen kisses his ass, he’s like, oh you’ve had such a stressful week, let me break the tension. Sonjia immediately freaks out that it’s a twist. Heh. No, it’s Lassie. Dafuq? Why? Why is Lassie here? Don’t call her “the one and only Lassie”, Isaac. We all know a dog’s lifespan. Hilariously Dmitry has absolutely no idea what is happening or who Lassie is. Oh it IS a twist. Sorry, “Mini Challenge”. Because Isaac designs dog clothes. I hate you, Isaac Mizrahi. No one should make dog clothes. Everyone will get a dog and have to make “canine couture”. This is stupid. Plus you get a genre and the thing has to match. Isaac hands out the genres with no pretense that it is random so at least there’s that. Winner gets to be a “guest designer” for “Lassie’s Canine Couture Collection”. Wow what a great prize! I hate this show.

The dogs are cute, of course. Dmitry says he’s allergic to dogs, but more allergic to losing. Nice. Now everyone has to stop and make clothes for dogs which I object to on principle and also on how I don’t care.

Helen makes some weird pod thing. Wait, she says he’s a rocket ship. Dmitry makes a suit? A pinstripe suit for gangster? Michelle made a bandanna and like, fake overalls. Sonjia struts with her dog covered in sequins and feathers, which is the most fun because she’s totally acting like someone who would dress their dog like that. Also I think Lassie growls at her dog. Then Lassie will bark two barks for yes so you can tell who the winner is. Terrible. Well at least when the producers decide who should win we don’t have to listen to a long series of bullshit opinions. Michelle wins because she hasn’t won anything yet. Then Helen’s dog shits on the red carpet. That about sums it up, cute shelter dog.

Now back to the real challenge. Helen is hammering her fabric, because it’s beaded lace and you have to break the beads before you sew any seams or anything. No one is really happy about this. Four hours left.

Zanna time. Michelle’s dress is very covered up except for the back which has some chains and no fabric. The chain is kind of cheap looking compared to the rest of the gown. Dmitry’s fringe is cut in tiers and zig-zag stripes. He’s also got some pearls, and he says they look fine from far away but not so great up close. Zanna reminds him the judges are far away. Sonjia…Sonjia’s giant bow actually gets praise. It’s interesting, I’ll give her that. Zanna pretends anyone here could win it. Helen made a beaded lace gown, which is very pretty but at the moment is not standing out. It looks like a Victorian wedding gown, even though it’s in gray. Zanna thinks it’s old enough to be in a museum.

I just notice this episode is 90 minutes!? WHY!?! I hate this show.

Zanna wants to remember these dresses for years. Zanna, this show is no longer a show that produces dresses you remember for years, unless you are talking complete trainwrecks that did not cause an elimination that stick in our brains because we are angry about it. Helen scraps her whole bodice. Michelle is messing around with the back of her dress and it’s taking a lot of time. Model fittings. After they leave, Michelle and Dmitry shittalk people. Dmitry thinks Helen’s in trouble because her gown doesn’t read sparkly. I guess the beads are not as obvious if you are far away. He might not have time to put any sparkles. Sonjia’s zipper breaks and apparently this is far from the first time a zipper has broken on her. It’s 10-15 minutes she doesn’t really have.

Runway day. Sonjia has to stay focused but she thinks she can do it. Dmitry has to hand-sew his crystals so maybe they won’t all get on there. Hot makeup guy Scott. Michelle puts just one chain at her waist, instead of four or five draped across her upper back. Helen is cocky.

Guest judge is Sophia Amoruso. Sonjia: gold miniskirt, with a gold lace overlay that hits the floor. The bodice is a giant gold bow, which basically is a long strip of fabric, wrapped around her body and tied over her boobs, with one end sticking up over one shoulder and the other lying along her hip. This dress is so tacky. Could I see someone wearing this on the red carpet? Yeah, like to the VMA’s or something. Not to the Oscars. Michelle: long black gown with a ton of sparkle, long sleeves, and a very high neck. The back is all open except for one chain at her waist. Also the fabric kind of looks sheer? I feel when I look at her model you can see where her underwear is. Helen: gray gown with some beads. The top is just spaghetti straps so the whole thing looks like a nightgown. You can see the beads but they don’t sparkle. Dmitry: long white dress with zig-zag horizontal stripes. The fringe hangs along the stripes, but not all of them, so there is a band of fringe at her hips, and then another at her knees, and a final one at her ankles. In between and on the top it’s kind of sheer and looks beaded. It’s at least kind of shiny. The tea dyeing doesn’t look as dingy as I thought it would.

Sonjia’s “lace” actually seems to be more embroidered. The design is thicker than lace, I think. It’s still tacky. She wanted drama. Isaac thinks this is all amazing. He loves Sonjia’s dress because it’s dramatic and memorable. OK that is a true statement. The bow thing is sewn to the skirt in the back which is so great? I guess? Georgina thinks the skirt is so busy you can’t appreciate the bow. They really like it, but what do I know? Michelle for some reason put little loops at her model’s hips so she can hook her thumbs in and pose. That is not as terrible of a thing as I thought it would be. Alyssa wants maybe a little shoulder pad or something so her waist looks narrower. It is sheer but there is enough going on that it’s not obvious what parts are lined and what are not. Isaac says sometimes he really likes the loops and sometimes not, but he knows someone will like it. Georgina thinks there’s something in the patterning that makes it look cheap.

Helen is now claiming she wants subtle sparkle. I thought she felt her dress had so much sparkle? It’s pretty but not memorable and not dramatic enough. It’s safe, and even though celebrities tend towards safe on the red carpet, this may be too safe. Georgina knows the straps are an afterthought. Isaac loves it because he’s crazy. It doesn’t move right. They make the model hike up her skirt, and they like it better because the bottom of the skirt has a scalloped edge and it was too long before. The scallop was lost, dragging on the floor. Helen’s all, then it would be a Marchesa gown, ha ha! Not realizing that she just pointed out how close her design is to copying one of the judges. Dmitry went for the 20’s, piecing the lace to make the pattern and dyeing the fringe. Alyssa tells him it’s “really fucking beautiful” and her most favorite thing ever. It has clear straps which totally work. It’s ready to be given to a starlet right now. Isaac thinks maybe it’s not exactly Oscar ready, too casual, as if Sonjia’s is Oscar ready.

Sonjia took a risk and was the only one to be brave. Everyone else made timeless classic looks, while she went for a dress that would be remembered. There were maybe too many ideas in the dress though. Dmitry accomplished so much in the short time he had. It’s one of the prettiest dresses, but Isaac asks if it’s the most timeless. But it would totally work for someone. Helen’s dress was very pretty and very safe. And not very memorable. It needs a push of some kind. Michelle’s dress is also safe. The judges don’t like the fabric, because the chain and the way she did it make the fabric look cheaper.

We still have 25 minutes here. What is happening. The winner is Dmitry. Nice. Sonjia is in. What? Fine. I like Sonjia but I did not like that dress. Then Alyssa is all “Michelle, Helen, we haven’t made our decision yet” because OF COURSE. The two most likely scenarios are no elimination, or last minute challenge. Heaven forbid you DO YOUR JOBS and pick someone to be eliminated. But then I was wrong! Alyssa asks Michelle why she deserves the last finale spot over Helen. Michelle says her aesthetic isn’t shown every day and she has a killer direction. She would nail it. Helen says she put many looks on the runway she never thought she was capable of, as there are inset shots of the horrible shit she got praised for like her pillowcase covered in ruffles. And that red dress with the droopy sleeves. She finally knows what she is capable of and who she is and she’s ready to show that. Alyssa kicks them out again.

Michelle is annoyed she wasn’t prepared for that stupid question because they always do that. Helen says this is just like her season, and when Sonjia asks what she said, she’s like, I can’t even talk right now because I’m reminiscing and it’s hard. *GIANT EYE ROLL*. Shut up, Helen. Meanwhile the judges are like “we can’t decide”, because they can’t do their jobs. Do your jobs!

So Michelle and Helen come back out and all the eliminated designs are there, because there is one more challenge, because OF COURSE. Why did you have that stupid speech thing when you were just going to make them remake reject outfits anyway? That’s like 15 minutes of my life I could have used for something. Pick at least three looks and make a successful look in an hour. I hate this bullshit. Just pick someone to eliminate.

Michelle cuts up Justin’s pencil skirt and Jay’s terrible vinyl-covered wool pants. Helen cuts up Fabio’s bridesmaid dress and she’s like, crying about it. Michelle has no emotion. And then all of a sudden Helen is sobbing and like “I can’t cut up someone’s work!” but I don’t see any tears. You can go ahead and quit if you like. Michelle gives her a hug because she’s nicer than me, I guess. When Helen cries that someone worked hard on this and she can’t cut it up, Michelle responds with “Well, why don’t you just cut up the very ugly stuff?” Ha! Then suddenly she’s over it and working again. I told you. No tears. When the buzzer sounds, Michelle realizes she’s only used two looks. Three pieces, but two looks.

Helen: made a black dress. It’s a lining from somewhere, and Fabio’s dress from last week, and some organza from somewhere else so it’s a black dress with two tiny notches in the neckline that are white. Boring. Michelle: there’s a beige skirt, and a poncho that has a weird cutout, and a gray top. The poncho is like, if you made a poncho but on one side you just put a thick band so her shoulder and hands and hip are exposed. Well it’s more interesting than Helen’s anyway. Alyssa immediately knows she didn’t do the challenge properly.

Isaac raves about Helen’s dress because I guess she was supposed to go on to the finale but her gray dress was too boring? Whatever. He likes Michelle’s too. Everyone loves Helen’s dress but it is a black dress with two tiny white triangles. At least Michelle is getting praise too.

So now everyone is writing down names and I guess will reveal them. Majority rules? You know the producers told them who to write down. Alyssa just tells them it’s Helen, which I could have figured out from the first five minutes when she talked about not making the finale her season. Or when they overpraised her black dress. Suddenly Helen is like, oh I felt awful butchering my friends’ work, but I won the challenge so it’s OK because I’m still here. Shut up Helen. Don’t fake cry about shit that doesn’t bother you in an effort to make everyone feel sorry for you. Michelle loved her look anyway so she’s satisfied. When they go back to the Scrap Bin Sonjia and Dmitry are shocked she’s out, which I find satisfaction in because Helen’s right there and they’re basically saying “I can’t believe you didn’t beat her”.

Next week: design an eight piece collection in four days, some smack talk, some acrobats for some reason. This season is over.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Love your recap. I too have grown to hate this mockery of a fashion show. So much b.s.