Friday, January 4, 2013

Top Chef 1/2/13--"Past Suppers" summary

Previously on "Top Chef": the chefs gathered fresh oysters to make a dish for Emeril. Micah won with his hot oysters and arugula salad. Then everyone had to make dishes for roller derby girls, which was a good challenge, I think. Random and still food-related. Josie was loud and irritated everyone, and then accused Micah of being closeted, which doesn't make any sense since he hadn't dragged her sexuality into it at all. John and Brooke won, for beef and rice (it did sound good) and Bart was sent home for consistently underseasoning his food. But not before Josie was kind of a jerk about it. I get that he should season his food more, but if he asks you to check it and you don't check it you can't really put all the blame on him. (click for more)

On Last Chance Kitchen Bart and CJ had to make chicken breast tasty and exciting. It was pretty close, but in the end Bart lost, even though he did season his food well enough for Tom. Tom said his flavors were just a little bit too much for chicken. CJ wins again.

Sheldon is sharpening his knives. He says he does it every day and that is what makes him a good chef. Also he talks about being ready for battle all the time.

Everyone appears to have a basin, and a sharpening block, for the Quickfire. Bob Kramer is the guest judge. He is a "master bladesman". Heh. His knives are $500 an inch. Damn. He does some tricks and stuff with his sharp knives. Sheldon wants a hug. Three teams of three. First round: sharpen knives. Second round: tourne potatoes. It looks like you make little football shapes. Each team will tourne 50 potatoes. Third round: your team competes against each other to break down and french two rabbits. Nice.

First round, your knives must cut a piece of paper. If you cut yourself, you will be disqualified. The knives are really dull. There isn't a lot to say. Knife sharpening is boring. Brooke has to resharpen her knife. Kristen thinks her knife is not ready, but it is. It's John who has called too soon. Ha. John, Josie, and Kristen are through (John fixed it). Josh, Sheldon, and Micah finish next, so that means Stefan, Lizzie, and Brooke are out.

Cutting potatoes. Apparently tourne means the football shapes have to have seven sides. Sheldon's really making his potatoes small. They don't look quite right. Josie cuts herself and is now disqualified, leaving her team down one.  John puts it into overdrive and is apparently fast. Not fast enough, though, because they lose by two potatoes.

Round three. Josh, Sheldon, and Micah break down rabbits. I love rabbit. Josh observes to the room that it's just like breaking down a cat. That is super creepy. Part of the difficulty is that they have to do all these things with a giant chef's knife and that is extra difficult. Micah destroys the other two and wins immunity and a fancy knife. Sheldon looks like he finished as they were checking Micah's work. That sucks.

Elimination challenge: for some reason involves flashbacks. Each person gets assigned a "memorable moment" from the past seasons, and they must make a dish related to whatever moment. Heh. Winning dish "inspires" some frozen meal, so it has to be "healthier". Two and a half hours to cook for "Top Chef super fans". Winner gets $15,000 in addition to the frozen meal thing. MAN where do I get in on being a super fan? Each person gets a Kindle to watch whatever moment they've been assigned. Padma says the season 10 moment is on the Kindle she has and somehow that will come up later.

Someone gets Jamie and her scallops, from when she made them all the time. Carla's chicken pot pie from All Stars. Hee. The missing pea puree. The dumbass fight about soup from the Chicago season when they had that huge five person fight in the Stew Room with like, Jen and Zoi and Antonia.

Shopping. Josie has gotten "I'm not your bitch, bitch!" Hells yeah. Lizzie is the one with scallops. She is making some scallops that she learned from an old boss. She says it will be easy.

Back at the apartments people heat up frozen meals like they would eat that stuff. They discuss the pea puree. I think Brooke got that. Stefan's moment is apparently some fight between Betty and Marcel. I think the time Betty made grilled cheese and soup and got her dish on the TGIFriday's menu, but also got in a stupid fight with Marcel. Sheldon eats his frozen meal with chopsticks which is awesome.

Cooking time. John has something from the Miami season, when Howie made mushroom and sea urchin risotto and forgot to put frog legs? And he got in a fight with Tony Bourdain, and then quoted Bourdain's book at him. Oh, I remember that. Bourdain had to give him some grudging respect. John claims to have hired Bourdain and that one of the characters in his book is based on him. Whatever, dude. He has to fake a flat-bottomed pot because he says all the pots in this kitchen suck. Kristen is turning to portion control. Josh has braised bacon. I guess Micheal Voltaggio made it for some servicemen. That's not that memorable. Also it means Josh is making pork again. Josie gets on her soapbox about eating healthy which would be less annoying if she was less annoying. Oh, now everyone is talking about being healthy. Sigh. Micah gets duck breast from last season. Heather and Bev. OMG, I forgot how much of a bitch Heather was. Lizzie's scallops do not smell fresh and she is not in a good place.

Random people come in and discuss which season is the best. The judges are Wolfgang, and Chris Cosentino, Jonathan Waxman, and Wylie Dufresne. Nice. John talks about "the curse of the risotto". True. It's like panna cotta. Stefan sneaks butter into his dish. Yeah. Healthy.

Josie: herb roasted chicken with parsnip puree and steamed root vegetables. Stefan: roasted red pepper soup with bacon and grilled mimolette cheese sandwich. Mimolette is some kind of healthy cheese, I think. John: umami risotto with chicken, salmon roe, burdock root and carrot emulsion. Josie roasted the chicken nicely but it is not that exciting. Stefan's cheese is rich and greasy. The soup is good though. John's risotto is not cooked properly, some is overcooked and some is undercooked.

Josh asks for a strainer and bitches when no one answers him. Lizzie can't get a good sear on her scallops and can't use butter because she's trying to be healthy. Sheldon: beef carpaccio with poi aioli, mizuna and mushroom salad and silken tofu foam. Lizzie: seared scallops with roasted fennel, garlic puree, orange and olive salad. Josh: soy-glazed pork tenderloin with smoked cashew puree and heirloom peaches. You know, they gave these chefs dishes that they could never make into frozen food. So how exactly is that going to work? Josh has finally managed to cook pork properly. Tom makes fun of Padma for being popular with the soldiers. Sheldon's carpaccio is shredded and the tofu is tasteless. The scallops are questionable.

Brooke: smoked salmon, forbidden black rice with English pea and parsnip puree. Kristen: poached chicken breast, carrot puree with garlic and tofu emulsion. Micah: five-spiced duck breast with miso polenta and pickled cherries. Remember Kristen was supposed to make pot pie. Somehow it is delicious, although Chris doesn't have all the sauce. The duck is good, but the miso polenta is not so great. The judges really like Brooke's dish.

Commercial interlude: everyone talks about their favorite/memorable dishes from the show. Tom liked Paul from last season (yay). Chris talks about that moron from last season that couldn't butcher. Wolfgang threw donuts one time.

Padma calls Josh, John, Kristen, Lizzie, and Brooke. That is a lot of people. Padma tells them they are both the best and worst. Huh. Josh, Brooke, and Kristen are the top. They all breathe a sigh of relief. Brooke smoked the salmon really well. Kristen had homey flavors, but it was not just a pot pie somehow. Josh was worried about cooking pork again, but the judges tell him that he finally did it properly. Chris says the winner is Kristen. Weird. I mean, I like her and I didn't taste it, I just thought it wasn't really pot pie related.

John did not cook his rice evenly, and he does that thing where he says he's not making excuses, and then gives the excuse that there were no level pots in the kitchen. Wolfgang says customers don't want excuses. Josh laughs at him, and then pipes up and says his pot was just fine. John admits he and Josh don't like each other (duh) and then says "to ask him about the pots is a little jaded". Did the judges ask a question and we didn't see it? They just cut in Josh's answer? Whatever. It is pretty low of Josh to say anything at all. Lizzie also didn't cook her scallops evenly. Tom is shocked because so far she's been very thoughtful about her dishes. Padma busts out the Kindle and says they have one more chance to save themselves. This season's moment is there, and Lizzie and John will cook off against each other. Oh, MAN. It's CJ and his burger and his attempt to talk shit about the dessert and Hugh shutting him down. They have 45 minutes to make a healthier version of burgers with pickles. The winners go back to the Stew Room and tell everyone about what's going on and how John is making a million excuses for everything.

John is pissed, but deal with it. He says he couldn't find a pot, but Lizzie served "foul, raw food" and she shouldn't get a second chance. What happened to "no excuses"? He doesn't think it would be hard to do better than CJ. Lizzie has chicken, while John has lamb. Lizzie took some dill, and I guess she said John could have some of it, and he took almost all of it. And then he's all "You said I could use some of it". John's kind of being an ass about leaving the oven open, and he brags that he could have taken the whole jar of pickles and so that makes him an awesome person and I guess he shouldn't have to close the oven? Asshat.

John: lamb burger with fried egg and spicy pickle, tomato and pomegranate salad. Also cream cheese for some reason. Wolfgang asks him if he found the right pans this time. Heh. Chris says if it's supposed to be healthy, why a fried egg? "Just to give it a little more fat, plus an egg is maybe 70-80 calories." Shut up, dude. Chris likes the salad. Lizzie: chicken burger with goat cheese ricotta and dill pickle roasted red pepper salad. Wolfgang likes the flavor of her meat and the salad is refreshing. Tom likes them both, he says. Chris wants Lizzie to stay. Wolfgang also votes for Lizzie, because John's meat wasn't as good. (Heh.) Tom and Padma also vote Lizzie, so John is out. Good. He claims he's not bitter, but it's bullshit. He claims he COULD have been an asshole, and he's still hung up on how he didn't hog the pickles like a total jerk.

Next week: Restaurant Wars? Maybe? Although somehow I think they will be at a food show type thing. And then Tom says the restaurant will open in 48 hours?

Last Chance Kitchen: Oh man, I hope this is the last time I have to look at John's stupid glasses. He knows CJ wants to beat him and is thinking this will be a challenge. CJ is surprised to see John this early. They replay John's excuses about his risotto. Tom says they can cook whatever they want. CJ knows there must be a catch. "John must have said something stupid, and it's going to bite him and me in the ass." Hee. Tom gives them the car keys and 15 minutes to shop. 30 minutes to cook. CJ stops outside the door for hand sanitizer which is weird. When they get back Tom is all, "Did you buy nice things? I have some GREAT equipment for you guys!" I love Snarky Tom. The peanut gallery all comes in with a random assortment of pots. John is all, really? Is this because I complained to the judges about uneven pots? Yes. Yes, that is exactly why. Tom brags that this pile of crap only cost him $3.50, and he made sure to find the most torn up, uneven, beat up pots he could find. Ha! They cheer for CJ taking pots, for some reason, I don't know. They both have foie gras. CJ singes a handle, and then when he goes to sear the foie gras, the handle falls off. A couple of people cheer for John, causing CJ to look unhappily at the peanut gallery until Chrissy shouts a "Big Ceej!" for him. CJ thinks he put too much chili oil in the dish. CJ: seared diver scallop, foie gras dashi, with mango and caviar. John: corn veloute and succotash with roasted lobster and seared foie gras. John lies that his equipment was excellent. CJ couldn't sear the scallop, and John couldn't sear his foie, and Tom knows it was the pans. CJ had enough heat but it wasn't on purpose. John's foie gras was too salty. Both of them had good points too. CJ doesn't want to lose to John, that would upset him. Me too. But it doesn't matter because CJ wins. Woo! John claims to be moving on like a gentleman. CJ knows he can keep winning.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Somehow I missed that you did these blogs about Top Chef. I am so glad John is gone. What a dick. His whole spiel about stealing all the pickles was just VILE. I'd love to see him try. I think Tom and Padma would have fed him the riot act. I would have loved to see that.

Thanks for caping the Last Chance Kitchen. I'm glad CJ is still winning. I'm really happy he kicked John's ass.