Project Runway 8/20/09--"Welcome to L.A.!" summary

Previously on “Project Runway”: oh, you remember. Giant fight. Huge giant delay for our show. So much so that the finalists got to show their collections, but without their names, which kind of sucks. But no one had to pay for decoy collections, so that’s something. I guess. Anyways, let’s forget about all that. (click for more)

Our first contestant is Ra’Mon Lawrence, 31, from Chicago. OK are they seriously living in the “Title Guarantee Building Lofts”? That is pretty lame. Anyways, Ra’Mon dropped out of med school (neurosurgery!!) to pursue designing. Logan Neitzel, 26, Seattle, is much better looking on camera than in still shots. Although he has the sleazestache going. (Kmanpat: “Still cute!”) Johnny Sakalis, 30, West Hollywood, apparently had tried out before, but he was on crystal meth at the time so he didn’t really make it. He’s glad to have broken that. Gordana Gehlhausen, 45, originally from Yugoslavia. She has her own store already. I like her accent. Malvin Vien, 24, New York, has some serious Marcel hair. It’s like, short on the sides but curly and piled high on top. Carol Whitfield, 24, Charleston. We don’t find out anything about her. And Qrystil Frazier, 42, New York but originally from Saint Louis so the paper did an article on her like two days ago. But seriously, Qrystil, that name is going to kill me. But she makes plus sized clothes so that is exciting. Shirin Askari, 24, Texas, says her name means “sweet” in Farsi. She appears to have convertible clothes. Nicolas Putvinski, 27, says he is known in New York as “The Feather Prince”. Oh, honey. He is so flamey. Lots of sparkles. (Kmanpat: “I like sparkles. And princes.“) Mitchell Hall, 26, Savannah. He looks so much better when he smiles! He says he’s been working in the business side of things. Epperson, 50, New York, and Christopher Straub, 30, Minnesota, come in next. Chris looks much better than his photo. Ari Fish, 26, Kansas City, also has “transformative” clothing. Althea Harper, 24, Dayton. She gets no intro. Irina Shabayeva, 27, New York, says her dog inspires everything she does. As long as she doesn’t dress the dog. Louise Black, 32, Dallas, comes in on her heels and doesn’t get to say anything.

OK, I think everyone has met everyone, so now we fill in stuff. Carol tells Gordana that she sold Gordana some dresses, a while ago. Carol then claims that her dresses are “pixie meets cocktail party”. She tries to say people will underestimate her because she’s blonde, but that fails when she trails off in the middle of the sentence. Sigh. Epperson learns that he’s much older than everyone, and says he’s been dressing windows. Everyone finds notes from Heidi telling them to come to the roof. They like to party on the roof.

Heidi praises the weather and then says they won’t be seeing it again because of all the work. Ha! Then Tim welcomes everyone and tells them they’ll be working in FIDM. Now they start drinking. Louise is a vintage person. Malvin saves us from the comment and says that he is androgynous and works that. Althea has interned at Alexander McQueen and Vivienne Westwood, already, at 24. Chris flirts with Heidi and seems interesting. Tim puts everyone to bed and says tomorrow is a field trip!

Some of these people have crazy clothing. The field trip is to the red carpet at the Emmys. Damn. For their first challenge they have to make a red carpet work, with innovation and their own point of view. Tim then reminds them that there are many many awards shows, with lots of different styles, so no one has to limit themselves. That’s a really good point; someone might not be able to design a good dress for the Oscars but their style is perfect for MTV.

The new workroom at FIDM is really big but it seems more crowded with tables. 30 minutes to sketch, and then 30 minutes and $200 to shop at…Mood? Ari is wearing some kind of skintight loud patterned body suit. They have two days, and winner gets immunity. Ari yells that she doesn’t sketch, and people look disgusted. She’s in the corner doing a handstand. Over her body suit are blue shorts. Well at least she’ll be entertaining.

Oo, it IS Mood! Yay! Ari mentions tessellations. (Kmanpat: “Woo! Math!”) Tim calls 5 minutes and Qrystil is freaking out because there is only one person cutting fabric. That seems like someone at Mood didn’t plan very well. Somehow it’s agreed that Qrystil can cut her own fabric if she pays for the scissors, I think so they’re her own. Good for her to come up for that solution.

Tim reminds everyone innovation is important and then he leaves them with 8 more hours today. Ra’Mon gets choked up thinking about someone wearing his gown on the red carpet. Johnny is already rethinking. Mitchell is explaining to Chris about how he’s smocking, and Chris doesn’t know what that means. Johnny’s still rethinking. I think he’s freaking out. He actually leaves the room to go calm down. He already is thinking about quitting.

GLEE COMMERCIAL!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry, I am super excited. (Kmanpat: “YAY!”)

Everyone is working but Johnny is sitting alone in the lounge waiting for Tim. He loses it and says he doesn’t want to fail again. Normally I would say he should man up and go back to work, but I’m not going to make fun of anyone’s drug addiction. Tim is so perfectly supportive and awesome. I love Tim. Johnny says it’s so great to have Tim Gunn talk you through something. Tim sends him off with a “Make it work!” and he tells the workroom Tim is a god. Hee.

Malvin says there is no vocab for his garments. Ari is stacking fabric pieces. Everyone goes home to sleep, probably.

Johnny is in a much better mood. There is no eye candy getting dressed shots of half naked boys. That part is sad. Chris tells the entire workroom that he has no formal training and doesn’t know what they’re talking about sometimes. Do you really want to tell your competition that, though?

Tim time! Chris has what looks like garbage bags, although I’m sure that’s not what they are. Tim warns him that improper styling will result in “cruise line cocktail waitress”. Ari is sewing together hexagons. With some kind of puffy diaper thing. Tim is concerned. Ra’Mon is making a big butt. Mitchell tries to call him “Mr. Gunn” which is so adorable. His dress has a high collar and long sleeves, and shades from ivory to dark blue. It’s really interesting. And it’s going to be smocked from waist to knee. Qrystil wants drama. She asks if it’s drama in a good way, and as Tim gazes on the purple with lace up patterned insert, she says “OK, you’re pausing too long!” Hee.

Model fitting. Mitchell says his card measurements were totally wrong. After fitting, they have 4 hours and “mere nanoseconds” tomorrow. Ari’s dress is so puffy and weird. I think Mitchell took his whole dress apart to redo it. He says it’s off by 5 inches, but…doesn’t smocking stretch?

Ari today is wearing a very loud jumper with shorts. Everyone works hard and Mitchell has nothing. He has a neck and fabric. Tim gives them 2 hours and the Macy’s accessory wall. Mitchell is sewing his model into the dress. Everyone watches him. Nicolas says his model will be nude and that this is a first. Let me direct your attention to Wendy Pepper and her “candy bikini” that she sent out the first episode of the first season. Nude has been done. He asks Chris if it’s a good plan, and Chris is like, it’s a plan all right. Ari jacks up her model’s hair. Mitchell is pretty screwed.

Heidi introduces Kors and Nina, and the guest judge who is Lindsay Lohan. WTF is that? She cleaned up for the event, and Heidi claims Lohan is a singer. Whatever.

Althea (model Tanisha): long dress in a gray blue, with a halter neckline and the bodice is puffy and white. It’s pretty but not super exciting. I think the white is tacked on other fabric. Gordana (model Tara): short dress in soft teal, with a pencil skirt and a strapless bodice made out of loose material. The bodice is gathered and pointy and it looks pretty cool. Malvin (model Valerie): V-neck short dress in a non-color. Blah. You have to get pretty close to see that the back is pleated, and over her boobs, but it’s like this weird color that’s not white but it’s not quite tan and not quite gray. Mitchell (model Yosuzi): he managed to save the high smocked neck, and the rest of the dress is like a tent that he just sewed to the neck. It’s floor length ivory with bell sleeves. I’m only impressed because he made that dress in 2 hours. They keep saying how she’s naked think because the fabric is sheer and he didn’t have time to line it, obviously. Louise (model Lisa): a loose dress in two colors of satin, a putty and a darker gray. Over one shoulder it’s very gathered to make a big knot of ruffles, and the sash is sewn so over the putty side it’s gray and vice versa. The bottom of the skirt is gathered so it’s almost a bubble hem and almost a handkerchief hem but not quite either. I really like it, actually. The two colors are close enough that at first it looks like they’re the same, and the light is just hitting it weird. Although she says that’s not what she was going for. Chris (model Katie): short strapless dress with a lot of volume. The top is gathered black fabric, all ruffles and puffy, then it’s belted, and the bottom is tiered pink. If only the black didn’t look like trash bags. Ra’Mon (model Vanessa): long dress in dark blue. It’s one shouldered, with a very wide strap that’s almost like a cap sleeve. There’s pleating over her stomach, all the way down over her hips. It’s not bad. Shirin (model Ebony): OK so first of all, she has her model pose with hand to forehead behind the scrim. It’s a short off white satin dress, or maybe it’s that putty non-color, with a sparkly charcoal capelet. The neckline is folded and cool looking, and the sparkles are on the back of the skirt, but there is a butt bow.

I’d forgotten how many dresses there are in the first episode. Epperson (model Erica M): long black dress with a big puffy collar, a la Christian. It also ends like 6 inches from the floor, and has more tulle in a ruffle on the bottom of the skirt. Irina (model Celine): gorgeous long satiny skirt with a bodice that looks like it has a pattern, only it’s hard to make out, with a thin black belt. The skirt moves beautifully as she walks. There are panels of non-shiny fabric in the skirt, which is kind of odd, but it’s really good. Ari (model Erika Macke): Jesus. Very short silver halter dress, the halter style where there’s like a collar. The hexagons don’t show up well, it just looks puffy. And her hair looks like shit. There’s some dark yellow trim thrown in for fun. And possibly blue shorts? Who knows? And tall black boots! Actually, they’re not shorts, but bloomers, puffy silhouette and all. I am getting tired of dresses, people. Johnny (model Emarie): red dress with a V-neck. It looks shapeless, and I don’t know if that’s on purpose. There’s some black sparkly trim on the hem and I think on the back of the neck, where it ties. Carol (model Kojii): long dress in multiple layers of tans and wheat and so forth. The bodice is gathered and fitted down past her hips, there’s some detailing that winds around her boobs and down the front. It’s busy. Qrystil (model Kalyn): one side of the dress is purple satin and the other one is also satin but is a flowery print. They coordinate, but it’s like, the print is pleated down the center of the dress, looking all tacked on, and then she turned around and the back is draped nicely but no one looked at it because they were all writing down notes about the print. Logan (model Fatma): long silver dress that’s cut diagonally down the bodice, so one half of the bodice is black. It’s cool, but I don’t like how he told his model to stalk down the runway. Nicolas (model Matar): very short black dress with a woven bodice that has a lighter gray woven in. it’s interesting but I don’t know if it’s interesting enough. Maybe it’s not woven but just sewn nicely. THANK GOD WE’RE DONE.

Heidi says Shirin, Epperson, Gordana, Carol Hannah, Logan, Althea, Nicolas, Irina, Malvin, and Louise are safe. Qrystil says she’s going to the Emmys with her loud print. Heh. And that she imagined someone young wearing her dress, like Miley Cyrus or Lohan. Lohan looks disgusted. The back is draped well, to her credit. It’s just the weird print thing. Heidi says it’s a mess and it’s crooked. Kors says it’s like she glued two dresses together and whoever wears it will get killed by the press. Yeah, probably. Chris is thinking MTV with his poofiness, even though the bottom ruffles are sort of dingy looking. It’s just the color. Closer up the black looks like a very cool texture and not plastic. Ra’Mon is headed for Oscars, everything is well made and elegant but Kors wants more. I think Kors is bored. Lohan says it’s safe but it looks like more than $200. Ari…oh Ari. She says this is for the VMA’s in 2080. Or for a Nobel Peace Prize. Kors labels it “disco soccer ball”. Yeah. It’s interesting that when Elisa was on the show she was obviously not from this planet but her dress was so much better than this. Lohan points out that someone has to buy her clothes, in the end. Nina is nice and says she appreciates her conceptual process. Why is she being so nice? Johnny aimed for “movie premiere” and Nina praises how easy and sexy it is. Actually they like it. And then they show a full body shot, with her standing still so you can see clearly. The front is a knee-length bubble hem and then there is a tail. Like, it’s very low in the back and at the base of her spine is a tail of fabric that is almost to the floor. And there’s no shape to it. Kors says it would be better in black because it’s already interesting and doesn’t need a loud color. Maybe it’s just me but I think it’s weird and not pleasing. Mitchell blames his model’s bad measurements for his lack of a dress. Nina knows that it’s sheer and unwearable, but she can see the idea and concept and it interests her. Kors thinks she should be in her house by the fireplace with some brandy.

Good: Ra’Mon (kind of boring but excellent pretty dress), Johnny (cool shape but should have been in black), Chris (youthful and elegant, but still edgy). Bad: Qrystil (Kors busts out the “taste level” comment), Ari (Nina throws up her hands and says it’s like speaking to someone from another world, but Kors thinks maybe he’s not smart enough to get it), and Mitchell (unwearable).

Johnny is in. Chris is the winner. When he’s glad he puts hands to mouth like a pageant queen. Hee. He talks about not having education again. (Kmanpat: “Also, never wear hats.”) Ra’Mon is in. Qrystil is in. Ari and Mitchell are the last two. We know what they did. Although Heidi tells Ari that it’s one thing to aim outside of the box, and another to completely miss the box. Ari is out. She talks about taking risks responsibly and learning from the experience.

Next week: looks for a real celebrity, but who knows which one. Cursing ensues. Clicky clicky

Top Chef 8/19/09--"Sin City Vice" summary

Previously on Top Chef: We’ve reached that point in the life cycle of a reality show where most people are conscious of the fact that they are always on TV so they try to behave themselves. Except for Hosea and Leah cheating on their significant others on camera. Which didn’t prevent Hosea from winning, though. But now it is time for Vegas. If you’re looking for “Top Chef: Masters” (although I’m pretty sure you aren’t) that is coming later. School’s started up again and I need to sleep. (click for more)

Dear God, there are 17 of them? I’m tired already. Padma gives us the usual “this is the most talented group of contestants ever, etc.” with the usual listing of awards and qualifications. Oo, and a pair of brothers! Cute brothers. Ah, eye candy. How I missed thee. There appears to be gambling. Some guest chefs are shown, and I don’t see Rocco but I won’t hold my breath in the hopes he doesn’t show up. And you get $125,000 now, in addition to the usual prizes. Nice.

Kevin Gillespie, 26, Atlanta. He’s a James Beard nominee. He got a full scholarship to MIT but ditched it to go to cooking school. Wow. I kind of like him already. Must be a nerd thing. Preeti Mistry, 33, San Francisco. She works for Google, it looks like. She’s thrilled to be in Vegas. Ron Duprat, 40, lives in Florida but originally from Haiti. It looks like they’ve rented them a sweet mansion somewhere. Eve Aronoff, 40, Michigan. She doesn’t look 40, so good for her. She mentions that all these chefs are from big cities, which she is not. I don’t know, she’s from Ann Arbor. Mattin Noblia, 29, lives in San Francisco but is from France. Oh, he is ADORABLE. Eli Kirshtein, 25, Atlanta. I haven’t been listing jobs because everyone is either an executive chef or owns their own place. Eli loves to cook because he’s a fat kid and he likes food. His T-shirt says bacon. I think he is my favorite. Ash Fulk, 29, New York. But he’s from next to where I grew up. He actually is a sous chef. And he’s the only one here from New York. And the only one with a boyfriend. And then he pauses and looks confused for a moment, and clarifies: same-sex boyfriend. Oo, that means the other eye candy plays on my team for once! (Kmanpat: “Aww.“) That whole interview was great. AND on Bravo’s website, where it says “favorite simple summer recipe”, his is actually simple: grilled corn on the cob with mayo and sweet tea. Jesse Sandlin, 30, Baltimore. She’s got several lip piercings and a lot of tattoos. Jen Zavala, 31, Philadelphia. Also tattooed and…she’s done that thing with her ear piercing where you put a hoop into the hole, so that it looks like she is wearing hoop earrings but really that’s the size of the hole in her ear. It’s all stretched out. I don’t know. She mentions her son, so I am sure that won’t be the last time. Jen and Jesse and their roommates are arguing about unpacking. Like, whether or not they’re going to do it.

Damn, another Jennifer. We’re going to go with TattooJen and BlondeJen. Jennifer (the blonde one) Carroll, 33, Philadelphia. She claims to have made many boys cry. Bryan Voltaggio, 33, Urbana, Maryland. He looks like this guy from my church. Also there is Michael Voltaggio, 30, L.A., who looks very much like his brother. Michael says he became a chef because Bryan was and stayed with it. They haven’t lived together in 12 years. Mike Isabella, 34, Washington DC. He helped Michael open his restaurant, I think. Everyone gets dressed and sits on the long drive into town. Ashley Merriman, 32, Seattle. She thinks Vegas is a “food mecca”. I’m not so sure.

The Top Chef kitchen is in some casino/resort or whatever. There’s a giant fish tank? Woo! Tom and Padma! Laurine Wickett, 38, San Francisco, says she’s kind of intimidated. But she’s a caterer, so I hope she lasts long enough to school some people in catering challenges. Padma welcomes everyone, so forth. Hector Santiago, 41, Atlanta. He says Padma is more beautiful in person. Tom is smirking. Padma product places for a moment, and then gives them the first Quickfire: the mise en place relay race. Wow, first thing? Padma promises twists. And now there are showgirls. They are shimmying and so forth. Instead of drawing knives, they pull poker chips. I hope this is only for the first challenge. I like drawing knives.

Robin Leventhal, 43, Seattle, is the only one with a gold chip. She knows either she’s extremely lucky or screwed. Turns out she’s lucky: not only does she not have to do anything, but she has immunity. Damn. The relay race tasks are as follows: shuck 15 clams, peel 30 prawns, clean 5 lobsters, then butcher 2 chops from a side of prime rib. Interesting. Everyone picks what legs they’re doing. All that happens is that Preeti gets stuck with clams and asks if they’re like oysters. There is only enough time for Kevin to tell her that no, they’re different, before they have to start. Sorry but they didn’t say who is on what team and I didn’t get any good shots.

When they all start it’s obvious Preeti has no idea what she’s doing. Tom shakes his head in amusement at Preeti. Sigh. TattooJen destroys her fingers. Mike claims the asshat title 11 minutes in by claiming that a girl shouldn’t be at the same level as he is, there’s just no way. Sadly he wins. Mattin is doing lobsters and you can barely see him do it. He is kicking ass. Love it. Preeti is still shucking and the other team is still on prawns, I think. Mattin catches up for his team. Mike is being obnoxious and “cheering on” his teammates. I don’t know, it seems like it would bug me. Anyways, his team loses so I am satisfied. The winners are Mattin, BlondeJen, Jesse, and Bryan. I think Preeti never finished her clams.

Of course there is a twist. For some reason, they still need a winner, even though Robin won immunity already, so they’ll have a cookoff to award someone $15,000. Wow. I guess they realized that giving people random prizes for the Elimination challenges wasn’t quite fair. Robin can trade in her immunity for the chance to win the money, but she is uninterested. Mike says this tells him that she’s not confident and it’s one less “old lady” he has to worry about. It’s going to be so satisfying when he gets cut. They have 30 minutes to make a dish with whatever they worked with.

Jesse can’t remember any dish she’s made with prawns so she‘s making shrimp and grits using polenta, as it‘s all she can think of. Bryan, though, worked in a steakhouse, so he‘s crusting his steak. BlondeJen is making clam ceviche with citron vinegar, and Mattin (who is SO cute but could lose the red neckerchief) is going to make something that sticks with his style, lobster with bay leaves and star anise. Michael says that if he’s not in competition with his brother he’s Bryan’s biggest fan. Tom sucks the juice out of a shrimp head, and Bryan’s steak is really really rare.

Bryan had weird puree and Mattin didn’t have a lot of star anise flavor. The clams were tender and Jesse’s dish was very flavorful. BlondeJen wins. So of course she’s thrilled.

For the Elimination challenge, everyone will be cooking a dish based on a vice that they have. Interesting. Not as good as 7 deadly sins, but still pretty good. They will stick in their teams, and one chef from each team will be up for the win. One other chef from each team will be put up for elimination. Robin can pick what team to join, and she picks the blue team “because I want to be a winner.” Don’t simper, Robin. The guest judge will be Wolfgang Puck. Kick ass. Now a lot of people freak out, and I notice that Padma is like, 6 inches taller than Tom. They have $150 and 30 minutes for shopping at Whole Foods, and then 2 hours to cook tomorrow at Puck’s restaurant.

Commercial interlude: there’s a waterslide in the pool and everyone argues about trying it out or something, and Kevin is like, that is the shit, so he goes first. Eli makes some comment about having to look at Kevin in a bathing suit, which, 1. It’s not a Speedo, and 2. Didn’t you label yourself the fat kid already? Actually the water slide looks fun.

Shopping is the usual running around frantically. No one is getting assigned a vice, you get to pick your own. That’s pretty cool. Mike is an equal opportunity jerk as he insults women and then calls Eli a monkey. I know there’s a Mike and a Michael, but to keep track, Mike is the jerk and Michael is the hot one. Kevin says Eli’s bought a ton of seafood and he doesn’t get it. Bryan wants to win because 3 of the 5 seasons, the winner of the first Elimination challenge has won the whole thing. Ron talks about sneaking into the country from Haiti. TattooJen is trying to stand out and says she’s done this dish before.

Everyone goes to the Palazzo, to Cut, which is Wolfgang Puck’s restaurant. Ash says his whole restaurant would fit in that kitchen. Now we get to see what teams there are, but I’m past caring. Some people will be great and some will suck. Preeti is determined to redeem herself. People talk about their dishes but not really about their vices. Somehow Michael is making a rack of…whatever, and points out that people come to Vegas for that. TattooJen talks about cooking with seitan, I think she’s explaining it to someone, and Kevin thinks this is ballsy because no one likes seitan. Seitan is basically wheat gluten, but when you cook it, it sort of has the texture of meat and is high in protein, so it makes a good meat substitute for vegetarians. The immersion circulator has been found. Jesse’s chicken is kind of dry and she’s saucing it but she’s kind of worried. Hector lights something on fire and then smokes it, I think. No, he fries his rib eye steak. Mike smirks that this will be easier than he thought. Shush. Kevin realizes he’s going too slowly. Eve looks for white wine, can’t find any, and has to use cream, which is not the same. While that happens, she leaves her seafood on the stove so it overcooks. Robin doesn’t manage to sauce her plate, so good thing she’s safe.

Each chef will serve head-to-head with their team. Gail and Tom are here but Toby is not. Sweet. Mike: his vice is his hot temper and his mouth; dish is olive oil poached halibut over roasted eggplant puree. The halibut represents the bar of soap his mom used to wash out his mouth. Actually…that’s pretty clever. Eli: vice(s) are arrogance, drinking, and bitterness, dish is “buttered” scotch with scallops, cashews, and beer powder. He wanted a bitter sauce. He jokes about walking into traffic if he is eliminated. Not funny. Ashley: vice is red wine and bourbon. There is a very uncharitable shot of Tom and Gail looking very bored and tired of her talking. I’m not sure that really goes there. She serves chicken liver ravioli with red wine demi-glace. Hector: vice is smoking cigars; dish is smoked rib eye with carrot puree and a ceviche of celery. How do you ceviche celery? I don’t know. Everyone passes dishes around. Wolfgang thinks the scallops show promise but are too busy. The judges in general wonder why Hector smoked and then deep fried the steak when he could have grilled it over a wood fire. Yeah…that’s a good point. He’s not doing well. Sadly they like Mike’s dish.

Bryan: vices are bourbon and a cigar; dish is NY strip steak with parsnip puree and a bourbon caramel to represent the cask the bourbon gets aged in. Mattin: his vice is being stubborn; dish is buffalo rib eye with Madeira sauce, zucchini and mashed potatoes. The zucchini are hollowed out and the mashed potatoes are inside. BlondeJen: vice is drinking and doing stupid things, dish is poached halibut with whiskey, bourbon, scotch, and peppercorn sauce. Jesse: vices are overindulgence and whiskey. Everyone drinks whiskey and/or bourbon. Is that a chef thing? Her dish is braised chicken with a whiskey reduction, Yukon potatoes, and a fried egg. It’s at least half a chicken, and the potatoes and egg are fried in chicken fat. Robin: her vice is pork, as she is Jewish. Hee. Her dish is pork tenderloin stuffed with chorizo, and bread pudding. The gastrique had bacon in it. She tells them it’s missing, I guess because there’s no sauce at all. Sometimes it’s better not to tell them. Bryan’s steak is perfect but they’re tired of the purees underneath steaks. BlondeJen’s halibut is so perfect Wolfgang talks about making his chefs cook to that standard. Sadly Jesse’s chicken did dry out. Mattin’s steak was wonderful but the side dishes were random and for some reason Padma complains that she doesn’t know anything about him.

Ash: vice is procrastination; dish is poached halibut with ratatouille and parsley coulis. His claim as to how this is related to procrastination is that only half of the plate has sauce on it. Eh…I guess that works. The judges are amused. TattooJen: vice is being hot tempered; dish is a chile relleno stuffed with seitan and a grilled tomatillo salsa. I swear the first time I listened I heard “bacon” and not “seitan”. Ron: I can’t understand him at all. Something about the time he spent at sea? Seriously, they’ve subtitled people with subtler accents, and I’m not sure what exactly the vice is, because it’s not like escaping your country is really a vice. Anyways, the dish is jerk bass with collard greens and Haitian hash. FINALLY he says that the dish is what they ate at sea and what they got in Cuba when they landed, so maybe by making this he can put it behind him. So the vice is not letting go. Seriously, that was so annoying. Laurine: bacon donuts with chocolate and beer sauces. I guess her vices are chocolate and beer. Oh man, those sound so good. Ron’s dish has a ton going on but he had good intentions. Tom doesn’t get his vice either. They dislike TattooJen’s chile. Wolfgang says if you cooked it at home no one would come over ever. The donuts that looked so good, Wolfgang says they’re golf balls and he jokes about throwing them at people. He’s really funny today. I love it.

Michael: vice is plastic surgery. Actually he says it’s not really HIS vice. So…can you not follow directions? The dish is a rack of lamb with coconut sauce and cauliflower gnocchi. Yes, ha ha, you’re very clever. Preeti: vice is bourbon, dish is pork tenderloin with bourbon sweet potato puree and dandelion greens. Eve: her vice is that she wishes she was more simple; dish is shrimp and scallops in a curry cream sauce. I’m not sure how those are related. She says the sauce is complex but the shrimp are simple. Kevin: vice is procrastination; dish is arctic char with turnip salsa verde. I think the char is usually cooked quickly but he cooked it slowly? And vice versa with the turnips? Wolfgang says something looks like chicken testicles. Kevin’s dish is great and interesting. Eve’s dish is just OK but not really great. They like Michael’s jokey rack stuff, and they think he’s a professional.

Everyone hangs out in the Stew Room. No nice table and wine for these people, not like on Masters. Folding chairs and big red Solo cups. Padma comes in all serious and calls Ron, Mike, Kevin, and BlondeJen. These are the winners. Sigh. Mike’s dish was very focused and everything worked together. BlondeJen’s halibut was cooked to perfection, but Wolfgang says he doesn’t know why she drinks so much hard liquor, all at once. Everyone laughs and he says she should drink some white wine next time. Heh. Ron’s flavors were great and his story was great too. His praise isn’t quite as good as others. Kevin’s dish all came together. The one who had a dish that would be a great dish in any restaurant is Kevin. Nerd FTW! Actually, NotMike FTW!

Hector, TattooJen, Jesse, and Eve are the losers. The Loser Gong satisfies me. Hector’s steak didn’t have enough smoke flavor and deep frying it didn’t work. He says he knows he’d get more smoke from the grill but he wanted the crispy texture. Eve’s sauce was boring, and she goes into a long thing about playing down the flavors at the last minute or something. Gail is confused, I guess because if Eve’s vice is being complicated, Gail was expecting a complicated dish. Tom nails her for poorly cooked seafood. TattooJen’s dish wasn’t spicy enough, and they didn’t get it. Somehow the seitan was to show that she’s mad and spicy, but in the end good for you. Well if your dish was supposed to be about being hot-tempered I guess it needs to be pretty spicy. She extols the virtues of seitan, but it wasn’t cooked well so that backfired. Jesse knows the chicken breast was dry, and she’s trying not to cry, because I think she knew when she served it. Wolfgang says he was excited when he saw it and it could be a really great dish someday.

Everyone goes back to the Stew Room and TattooJen melodramatically falls to the floor. Gail was glad that no one was shocked at being in the bottom. They praise Jesse for having a good idea and knowing exactly what was wrong with her dish. Hector also had a good idea that wasn’t executed well, and Tom says he was in a good group. TattooJen’s pepper would have been under seasoned and terrible even if she’d used real meat. Wolfgang says he’d have to be pretty damn hungry to eat that. She’s convinced her risk taking will help her. Eve’s dish wasn’t thought through and the seafood could have been seasoned with something. So it looks like it’s between Jen and Eve.

Tom says basically the same thing they’ve said 3 times now. Jen is eliminated. She’s convinced she was bold for trying something new. She’s thrilled for being on the show. She’s sad she couldn’t show her son what she could do.

This season: gambling, running around, yelling, Air Force, Mattin still has his neckerchief, Penn and Teller!!!!!!!!!! Jacques Pepin I think, kick ass. Everyone argues and curses, Eli says something about cancer. I can’t wait for Penn and Teller. I hope they are like Tony Bourdain. Clicky clicky

Top Chef: Masters 8/12/09--"Masters of Disaster" summary

Last time on “Top Chef: Masters”: First everyone made burgers, and that was fun, mostly. Then we decided that catering is just like being a restaurant chef, so everyone had to cater for Zooey Dechanel, who thinks “vegan” is not the same as “vegetarian who doesn’t eat fish, eggs, or dairy”. Whatever. In addition to being vegan, she also doesn’t eat wheat or soy. Michael won because he managed to find quinoa pasta, and Art lost because Southern cooking is not kind to vegans. He was kind of out of his element. (click for more)

For the Quickfire today, everyone must be blindfolded! The description at first sounded like they would have to cook blindfolded, which would have kicked serious ass, but no, it’s just the taste test. Rick’s glad he doesn’t have to do anything.

Michael thinks he might be screwed because he only works with Italian ingredients. The first thing is hoisin sauce, which he has no idea about. Seriously, people, corn? CORN?!?!? Are you really asking “masters” if they can identify corn? Then he misses mascarpone. Oh, Michael. Some of these are stupid. Ketchup? Peanut butter? Anita misses hoisin sauce and the sound guys do an extra long buzz. Heh.

Hubert only got 5 answers right out of 20. Jeez. Rick and Anita get 6, and Michael gets 7. Seriously, aren’t these supposed to be master chefs? I feel like the regular contestants do better than that.

OK, elimination challenge time. Kelly starts talking about hiring the right staff and running a team. They have to make a buffet lunch for 200 Hollywood insiders. They will have to pick their teams out of ex-Top Chef contestants. Heh. Michael immediately feels old. They get to interview everyone for 2 minutes. There’s a lot of people from different seasons, and I notice that Ilan is there. The only winner who didn’t make anything of himself. Loser. Notice all the other winners have better things to do. Woo! CJ!

Michael sends Jamie to get a knife and carrots to perform for him. Like, that’s his interview, he wants to see what she can do. She is frightened. Dude, Michael is hardcore. Rick asks if the chefs can relate to his flavors, since he wants to make sure they will be able to understand him. CJ says this must be what speed dating is like. Oh, he is even cuter than I remember. *sigh* Hubert bugs everyone about pastry, which of course they don’t have that experience. Except Elia. Anita says Jamie used to work for her, so she asks Jamie who she should take, and she says Dale. The random contestants tell CJ not to do what Michael says. Fabio knows he does Italian because he’s making everyone run around. Richard admits to not knowing anything about Mexican but tells Rick he wants to work with him. Rick remembers Richard winning the Quickfire with gourmet tacos or whatever. Spike gets to Michael, who tells him to go get a carrot. Spike is like…don’t you want to get to know me a little better? Michael is like, psshh, no. Spike thinks he’s full of himself because he won’t take Spike’s word that he can cut up carrots. Ilan claps. Shut up Ilan. Michael tells us that there is no chance in hell that Spike will be working for him.

Commercial interlude: Michael demands that everyone recognize that in the kitchen he is called “Chef” and then there is a montage of how everyone mispronounces his last name. I wonder if he’s trying to figure out how many people watch his show? Richard says that anyone who demands “What’s my name?” deserves to never have their name pronounced correctly. Dale mocks Michael back in the group. Richard then says that it’s “insulting” somehow. Dude. This man is kicking everyone’s ass and had a TV show. People remember you as “that guy that made the weird food that isn‘t Marcel“.

It is hilarious how CJ is so tall he doesn’t really fit in the frame. Betty says no one wants to be with Michael (and then mispronounces his name, way to go) but everyone wants to work with Hubert. I still don’t like Betty. Michael takes Fabio, since he gets to pick first for winning the Quickfire. It seems like Hubert was going to take him. Betty and Spike are the last two, but to my annoyance Spike is the last one. Especially annoying is the way he’s convinced himself that everyone did it on purpose so he wouldn’t outshine their food. So the teams shake out like this: Rick has Richard, Betty, and Alex (the one person I only vaguely remember); Anita has Dale, Jamie, and Ilan; Hubert has Elia, Antonia (jeez, remember her?), and Spike; Michael has Fabio, CJ, and Malarkey.

30 minutes for brainstorming. Rick and Anita are taking suggestions from their teams, Hubert is kind of listening to everyone, anyways, and Michael is pretty much telling everyone what to do because he doesn’t have time to figure out where all these people are coming from. Malarkey explains that and then says that it’s Michael’s ass on the line so he’ll do what he’s told.

$2000 for shopping. Wow. Some people go to Restaurant Depot and some to Whole Foods. Alex is coaching Rick to get seafood first to get the best. Anita tells someone frozen shrimp is fine. It seems ominous. She interviews that they didn’t have time for a shopping list. Uh oh.

Back at the kitchens they all have 3 ½ hours to prep. Everyone’s unpacking, and Michael tells people not to worry about the fridge, and then somehow Dale stole his fridge? I’m not sure if he started putting things in and then Dale took the rest of the room, or if Dale is taking up too much space and now there is nowhere for Michael to put his stuff, or what. There seems to be some kind of “I called it first” kind of stuff. Michael says something I can’t make out and then calls him “young man”. Dale for some reason is mortally offended and “I didn’t come here for this” and we all know you came here to be on TV again, so actually, it seems like this is exactly what you came here for. They get in a pissing match where Dale doesn’t seem to understand why Michael is in his grill (no he really says that). Uh, about the fridge, genius. Michael stares him down and says “You don’t want to go this way with me”. Which is on the one hand, arrogant and cocky, and on the other, hilarious. Dale’s all, what are you going to do about it? Which…is odd, but OK. Alex says he has Dale’s back. Dale loses some points by following Michael around saying “What are you going to do about it?” like, following him around the kitchen. Michael says he used to eat 3 Dales for breakfast every morning. As Dale is like, bobbing and weaving threatening him, he just looks at the camera like “watch me kick this punk’s ass into next week”. Look, they’re trying to paint Michael as a douche, but seriously? He’s a real chef and he must see at least some of these people as the untalented famewhores they are. I think he’s got the experience to be this cocky. Dale does not. Also the “Michael is a douche” edit seems to have come out of nowhere; last week he was fine. Hubert and Anita ignore everyone. Hubert talks about mentoring and getting respect, and he then says that Michael has a different approach. Someone (I think Betty) claims to be accomplished. Michael wants to control everything, because it’s his competition. Richard busts out liquid nitrogen. Oh, did you doubt that? Jamie is cleaning clams and is mostly ignoring the big picture. Oh and then time’s up. No, really. Usually I leave out a lot of the cooking, but this time that’s really all there was.

In the morning the chefs have another 2 ½ hours. Of course this is when Kelly shows up to tell them that they’re moving to another location. 30 minutes to pack up, and another 2 ½ hours at the new location. Richard is STILL talking about Michael, that he doesn’t have his stuff together, and SERIOUSLY none of these people are even on Michael’s team. You just look obsessive. God, I was hoping that the drama would at least be relevant. Or at the very least, involve people on the same team so there would be some reason for the fight.

Anita says things no one is finished and things are taking longer than she wants. Kelly takes them to see the serving location, which of course is outside in the sun. Everyone freaks out because no one planned on the heat. Kelly then tells them they have to cut one chef from each team, right now. Fabio says he is “sweating like a mountain goat at the beach”. Hee. So say goodbye to Malarkey, Spike, Betty (ha), and Jamie. Jamie might seem surprising, since she knows Anita, but Anita is annoyed that Jamie was so slow. Interesting.

Back in the kitchen everyone adjusts to one less person. Everyone runs back and forth until Anita and her team are the only ones still in the kitchen. She says this would never happen in her restaurant. I think she’s in trouble. Richard talks smack again. I didn’t hate him so much when he was on. Anita pours liquid nitrogen to cool her raw bar. People appear.

Anita is up first. It’s the usual critics. Her buffet is labeled “Asian buffet with an array of sauces and condiments”. Noodle salad, pork spareribs, raw bar with scallops and oysters. Everyone is nervous about the raw bar. Ray Jay is not super impressed. Michael has a “rustic Italian buffet”: antipasti, risotto, braised lamb shank, and desserts. There’s also swordfish, that is hacked up. Mixed reviews. Hubert is next: “18 dish buffet”. Wow. That is a lot of stuff. The gazpacho is spicy, but they like it. They can see how he spent all of his $2000. Rick is last with “Mexican food buffet”. “Luxury guacamole bar”, tortilla soup, pork, shrimp, and avocado ice cream. Guess whose idea that was. Stupid Richard. The judges like everything.

Rick is thrilled that they loved his food, and they praise that he got so many dishes done. He gives Richard all the credit for the ice cream. Ray Jay asks him about using someone else’s idea when it’s Rick who is competing, and Rick starts to say something and Ray Jay says something about cojones. Hubert says a buffet is a feast so you need a lot of dishes. Everyone loved everything, etc. Anita says she didn’t have time to do anything with the raw bar, once she realized they’d be outside. Not anything good, anyway. Michael tells the critics he was happy with everything and he liked the risotto. Ray Jay and Gael insult his swordfish and he says his colleagues have more guts than him for letting their sous chefs have input.

Rick didn’t plan on the weather but he used his team very well. Somehow this makes him a “really great” chef. I wonder if regular chefs respect reality show contestants. Hubert also used his sous chefs to help him. Anita’s raw bar killed her buffet and the whole thing ended up being inadequate. Michael’s swordfish was weird looking and mushy. All of a sudden “personnel management” is a huge part of the challenge. I guess there was some cake that was underdone and Michael blamed it on one of his sous chefs, saying that he told them to cut from the edges.

Rick = 21.5 stars, Hubert = 22 (getting 5 stars from all the critics), Anita = 17, and Michael = 19.5 stars. Hubert wins and Anita goes home. As I thought. She’s pretty calm about all of it.

Next week: the finale! I think all of the Top Chef winners are back. Not just loser Ilan. This show is over! Clicky clicky

Top Chef: Masters 8/6/09--"Dietary Restrictions" summary

Last time on “Top Chef: Masters”: Finally we got to the “champions” round where we’ll have the same people every week! Yay! The Quickfire was…uh…I forget. Oh yeah! Culinary skills relay! And then everyone made their signature dishes and then they had to recreate someone else’s signature dishes. Anita made an Asian dish out of Hubert’s and she won, while Suzanne plated too early and lost. Well…that wasn’t any more exciting than the other rounds. (click for more)

The chefs come into the kitchen and see a giant pile of Big Macs and fries on a table. Art thinks they’ll force them to make real food out of the fast food, which, I guess they could do but it’s been done. The Quickfire today is about burgers. Rick admits he always screws up burgers. Hubert brags that he sells a $5000 burger. He does, they have truffles and foie gras and stuff. Michael makes fun of his accent and vows to win. Kelly talks about how CJ won this challenge and I am so glad to see CJ! They have to make side dishes too. The guest judge will be Morgan Spurlock (of “Supersize Me”), and Spike (of the asshat), and Sang Yoon, who won an award for America’s best burger on the Today Show. Rick remembers Spike from when he was a guest judge but he is diplomatic and just says he’s “audacious”.

One hour for cooking. Michael is making a giant 2.5 pound burger for some reason. Rick is counting guacamole as a side dish…which I don’t think it is. Art is nice and lets someone use his grinder and then makes hoecakes. Hubert’s burgers are stuffed with cheese. I think Anita is making cheese soup and mini burgers to put in like croutons. She’s not totally happy with it but it’s too late.

Rick: queso fundido burger with 3 kinds of guacamole. We don’t get to find out the three flavors. The judges think he only needed one, and Rick protests that it’s very fancy guacamole, but since no one seems to think it’s important to tell us how fancy…I’m thinking you only need one. He’s really offended though. Art: cornmeal hoecake burger with fried green tomatoes and coleslaw. The hoecakes are folded over and held in place with a rosemary spear. Everyone loves it. Even Spike. This one looks like my favorite. Michael: “hamburgese enorme” (sigh) with truffle manchego potato chips. It looks like he took one giant burger, and set up three loaves of bread around it. They seem to like it. Anita: cheddar soup with grilled burger, ketchup crouton and bacon fried onion rings. Oohh, they don’t like it. They want a real burger, a big chunk of meat and bread. Hubert: beef and Roquefort cheeseburger with caramelized onions and rustic potatoes. It looks very good, but the cheese is very strong. Spike is unimpressed. Hubert and Rick joke about throwing him off a cliff.

Hubert: 3 stars; Art: 3.5 stars; Anita: 1.5 stars; Michael: 4 stars; Rick: 4 stars. Woo, a tie.

Elimination challenge: cater a party for Zooey Dechanel. Who is apparently in a band as well as being an actress. Art is immediately suspicious. Zooey has a video for everyone, and of course she has a ton of restrictions: she’s a vegan (she says she’s a vegetarian, but doesn’t eat meat, fish, eggs, or dairy), she’s gluten intolerant and she doesn’t eat soy. She’s a vegan that doesn’t eat soy? What in the hell does she eat? This is stupid. Art is screwed. They have 2 hours today to prep and cook.

Art offers to do dessert, and Michael thinks he’s trying to go home, but he knows something about dessert. I would argue that dessert might be easiest. For shopping they have $300 each. Michael says the dietary restrictions are off-putting. Rick knows he can make something with veggies and beans. Art is using rice ice cream. Michael’s used non-wheat pasta before.

People do work and talk about the restrictions. Rick is making sweet corn tamales, chili-braised black beans, and braised greens. Someone uses a Quick Chop. Woo! I’m going to go ahead and say it’s a Quick Chop because Quick Chop > Slap Chop. Because Billy Mays > Vince what’s-his-name. By far. Hubert’s menu: white gazpacho with cucumbers, timbale of avocado and asparagus, and red beet salad. Timbale just means he’ll shape it with a cone or something to make a mound. Anita is making spicy grilled eggplant, lentil salad, and cashew sauce. No word on what the sauce goes with. She is unsure of her lentils. Michael has quinoa pasta with salsa verde, and pine nut gremolata. Art, oh poor Art, is making dessert. I feel bad for him because Southern food is not for vegans. He is making strawberry and champagne soup, strawberry rice ice cream (I think he bought that) and almond brittle. Not bad. Ah, he bought plain rice ice cream and mixed in strawberries. Michael helps Hubert finish.

Zooey meets everyone and Michael demands some songs for all the work they’re doing. She just laughs. Everyone has one hour to finish up. Anita is having trouble with the lentils. She wants to put them in a ring mold but they don’t keep their shape. Michael’s pasta is acting weird. The usual round of critics. Oh, and Zooey’s mom. This should be fun. Michael almost knocks over an entire table. Like, he was leaning over and the table broke. Hubert has a tall shot glass on his plate, so of course he loses an entire plate and a shot glass gets broken and etc. Those things are so evil for a waiter to carry. Inside the shot glass is the gazpacho with grapes and vanilla oil. The avocado and beet salads look very good. I think everyone is bored with the avocado but they love the rest. Anita is up next and does not try to do anything tall. Unfortunately her food looks brown and unappetizing. The cashew sauce is just on the plate. Wow, Zooey’s friends are really bitchy and everyone has something to say. Are they all famewhores? Anita’s food seems to be too spicy and over seasoned. Michael serves his pasta. Everyone is relieved to have pasta and not more veggies and salads. Rick’s corn tamales look really good. There’s mushrooms in there too. Art is last, with his dessert. It certainly looks good. No one likes the ice cream. Jay Ray points out, rightly so, that he could have made sorbet.

Commercial interlude: Rick is like the Professor on “Gilligan’s Island” and he is very anal. The end.

Gael loved Hubert’s gazpacho, which turned out really well. Anita put a lot of oil on her eggplant and soaked it overnight. Everyone thought it was greasy. Jay Ray says something about the cashews, and invites her to disagree. She just says food is subjective. Gael mentions the sad looking plates. Michael claims that making pasta at home is never as good as someone who makes a ton of pasta and is set up for that. Really? James says Rick’s dish was “ungainly”. I don’t know. Art gets slammed for the crappy rice milk. He says that he doesn’t have a recipe, and it’s about the party and the guests, so he’s not going to make something and have it turn out bad. Good point.

Hubert’s dish was great, Anita’s eggplant was soggy, Michael made everyone forget his dish was vegan (but James bitches about his buying pasta for no reason), Rick’s dish was him but needed to be pulled together, Art bought his ice cream too but apparently everyone buys pasta and no one buys ice cream so for Art it‘s bad.

Hubert = 19 stars; Michael = 22 stars; Rick = 19 stars; Anita = 13 stars; Art = 12.5 stars. So Michael wins and Art loses. Aww. As I said, Southern cooking is not for vegans.

Next week: for some reason past “Top Chef” contestants return to be sous chefs. Dale gets in Michael’s face because Michael called him “young man” and Dale is offended and “that’s not what I’m here for”. What ARE you here for? Because as far as I can tell, it’s really just to be on TV. Seriously, Dale is like, in his face all “What’choo gonna do about it?!?!” while Michael ignores him. Shut up, Dale. Actually, no, don’t shut up Dale. This is probably the most drama this show has seen. I’m actually excited to watch. Clicky clicky

Top Chef: Masters 7/29/09--"Champions Round Begins" summary

Last time on “Top Chef: Masters”: We had the aisle challenge, and the only exciting part of that was that they named it “Aisle Trial“ which is pretty good, and then they made everyone pick out ingredients for a mystery box for someone else, but that wasn’t exciting either because everyone was respectful and no one put in like, fish and grape jelly to screw with their competitors. In the end Art Smith won and we are finally to the semi-finals where it will be the same people all the time. ALSO I was at the outlet mall today with Kmanpat, and we walked by the Marble Slab ice cream shop (I haven’t seen a Marble Slab in ages and the logo on this one looked…well, like an outlet store). Out in front was a sign that said “Celebrity Sundaes--try all three!” so I looked to see what kind of d-list celebrities were shilling for an ice cream shop in an outlet mall. And I thought, hey, that girl looks familiar. It was Carla. To her left is Fabio, and to her right is Jeff. No mention of “Top Chef”, no mention of the fact that they’re chefs, just a label of “celebrity” and first names only. I physically grabbed Kmanpat to make him look at it and it took him a minute to figure out why he should know these people. I don’t remember what all is in the sundaes (you can check out the photo here) but Fabio’s looks healthy, Carla’s looks like it has candy, and Jeff’s is chocolate. (click for more)

If you have forgotten the first round winners, they are as follows: Anita Lo, Art Smith, Hubert Keller, Suzanne Tract, Michael Chiarello, and Rick Bayless. Everyone comes in and seems to be more comfortable in the kitchen, now that they know what is going on. There will be three rounds, highest score wins some extra money. Lowest score is eliminated. I guess that’s highest score today. That means we’ll have several more episodes.

Today’s Quickfire involves two teams, labeled “Pepper” and “Salt”. It’s relay race time! Which should be good because these chefs may have pawned off prep work on underlings for a good long time. And then Tom comes in to judge! Yay! Here are the tasks: open 15 oysters, dice 5 onions, butcher 4 chickens, and separate 5 eggs and beat the whites until you can hold the bowl upside down. So someone will have to double up. Hubert, Anita, and Rick are one team, and Art, Suzanne, and Michael are the other. Hubert and Art are going to be doubling up but not on the same tasks.

Hubert vs. Suzanne with the oysters. Suzanne gets into the zone and she’s schooling Hubert pretty badly at first. He catches up though so Art and Hubert are even with the onions. Although Art somehow flings half an onion over near Hubert. Art wins by a whole onion. I’m not really sure how, although Rick says that Hubert is using a more classic technique while Art is doing some weird thing which was faster apparently. So Michael has a good lead going into the chicken, over Anita. I remember someone got schooled in this challenge and it ended up being blamed on her knives being dull. I think it was Casey. Anita catches up so of course it comes down to the last task, Art vs. Rick on eggs. Except that Art doesn’t separate his eggs right, and has whole yolks to get rid of. Rick, Anita, and Hubert win! They all start with 5 stars, while Art, Michael, and Suzanne have 4 stars.

Kelly wants everyone to make a dish that will show the other chefs what they can do, and who they are. So they must make a signature dish. What are we, “Hell’s Kitchen”? Anita says she gets more nervous cooking for chefs than for her customers.

Rick talks for a while about how awesome everyone is. And then everyone sits down to eat. Hubert makes a lobster and truffle cappuccino with a corn madeline. It looks cool. Art makes seared grouper with hearts of palm, trumpet mushrooms, and Meyer lemon zest. He says it’s the dish he made for Obama. Anita shares her seared scallops with potato puree, bacon, sea urchin, and mustard greens. Michael serves fennel balsamic quail with mosto cotto mustarda, sautéed greens, and roasted apple. I think that is mustard greens. It looks really good. Suzanne has chopped sirloin with green peppercorn sauce and a fried egg on top. Rick has rack of lamb and black pasilla chile sauce with mission figs.

Kelly shows up as they’re finishing up to give them the Elimination challenge: take someone else’s dish and put your own spin on it. Interesting. Winners from the Quickfire get to pick whose dish they want, but it means that they’ll swap. Hubert picks Anita, so he will remake her dish and vice versa. Actually he’s the only one who picks; everyone else has to draw knives. Michael says he doesn’t want to get paired with Rick, so of course that’s what happens. That leaves Art and Suzanne swapping dishes. They will have 45 minutes and $300 to shop, and 2 hours tomorrow to cook.

So I guess when Kelly said 3 challenges she counted “cook your signature dish for everyone” as a challenge. Michael asks Rick what kind of chilies to get. Interesting. Suzanne doesn’t like fish a ton. Rick doesn’t want to put a Mexican spin on Michael’s dish, because he thinks everyone will be expecting that.

Art says he only got into restaurants about a year ago, since he was a personal chef. So he’s kind of feeling behind. Hubert talks about potato and sea urchin, and we know my feelings on sea urchin. One of Anita’s lobsters almost escapes. She’s not hesitated to make this dish Asian. Art was glad to get Suzanne because they both do comfort-food type dishes. We’re not seeing as much cooking as I would like, but we are seeing a lot of interviews about how awesome all the other contestants are. Suzanne is done before anyone else. Everyone finishes though.

There’s a giant round table with the critics and also 6 eliminated contestants. Probably one from each round. Also Jay Ray, Gael, and James. Art is up first. He took Suzanne’s chopped sirloin and fried egg, and made ground lamb Scottish egg, with sweet potato fries and tomato tart. A Scottish egg is where you take a whole hard boiled egg and put it inside the burger. The egg is a little overcooked. They do like the dessert on the plate. Second is Rick, who redid Michael’s quail with greens. He serves quail with parsnip and prosciutto stuffing over wild greens. They like the dish and that he didn’t make it Mexican. Suzanne remade Art’s grouper, by making roast grouper with gnocchi, peas, bacon, and parsnips. It might be too close. Elizabeth Falkner says that her fish might be a little overcooked and her gnocchi are cold. They establish that Suzanne probably finished early and ruined the dish. Hubert comes to charm everyone. He had Anita’s scallop, and made his own seared scallop with cream of sea urchin over fingerling mashed potatoes. No one tastes any sea urchin. Michael brings out his interpretation of Rick’s lamb with chile sauce: rack of lamb stuffed with fig mostarda, chickpeas, and fried rosemary. It’s not going over that well. I think it’s not seasoned. Anita is last, with Hubert’s lobster and truffles. She’s made corn chawanmushi, champagne gelee, and a lobster biscuit sandwich. Chawanmushi is a Japanese savory egg custard. It looks very pretty and very good.

Commercial interlude: Um…Art talks a lot and everyone loves him. The end.

The critics actually criticize and ask Hubert if he thinks he had enough sea urchin flavor. Well, then he says he does and they leave him alone. Jay Ray calls Anita clever and they all talk about how they loved her biscuit and they loved her reinterpretation. Art’s egg was overcooked and he’s like, yeah, I have egg issues. Then they ding Suzanne for serving cold food and overcooking the grouper. Rick gets praised for not making Mexican food, and they talk for a while about how good his Italian food is, until James uses the phrase “fresh innocence” which Rick says hasn’t been used in his presence for a really long time. Hee. Michael made his dish his own too much? James says he didn’t see Rick anymore. I don’t know why that matters. Michael says something about wanting to respect Rick and Jay Ray says, so, you cared more about what Rick would think than about what we would think. OK then.

Hubert had a perfectly cooked scallop but no one tasted the sea urchin which I guess is a big thing. Everyone wants to worship Anita and her lobster biscuit. I think they are offended by Art’s dish, calling it “grotesque” and whatnot. Suzanne didn’t time anything properly so it was cold. Michael wasn’t comfortable, but all of a sudden the chickpeas were perfect. Rick’s ingredients all matched up and he had a “quiet respect for Michael’s dish” according to James.

Rick = 23 stars, and Anita = 24 stars, so she is the winner this week. Now for the loser. Michael = 18.5 stars, Hubert = 21.5 stars, Art = 15 stars, and Suzanne = 14.5 stars. Suzanne says she would take her time next time, and be more careful.

Next week: catering for picky celebrities. Woo. Clicky clicky

Top Chef: Masters 7/22/09--"Trick in a Box" summary

Last time on “Top Chef: Masters”: I didn’t think it was possible to do worse than John Besh’s Quickfire dish of one half-cooked egg, but that was before Rick Moonen served nothing. Absolutely nothing. Then everyone had to cater a party, and basically make three appetizers but the “twist” was that one had to be an “appetizer“, one a “main course” and the last one a “dessert”. It wasn’t terribly exciting. In the end Michael Chiarello won, proving that he’s been away from the television studio long enough to remember how to cook. I must say, though, Bravo, that’s a terribly clever and risqué name you picked for the episode tonight. Reluctantly I award points. (click for more)

First we have Jonathan Waxman from New York. He trained Bobby Flay and his restaurant was a hangout for many famous chefs, which means he knows what he’s doing. His charity is Meals on Wheels. Next is Roy Yamaguchi, from Honolulu. Gail says he’s the first James Beard winner ever? Wow. I think she means “from Hawaii”. Whatever, Japanese FTW! He says he fuses Japanese ingredients and French sauces which is now labeled “Hawaiian fusion”. Never heard of it. He was a judge, too, for the second season so I’m kind of miffed he didn’t get rid of some people I wished to never see again. He is playing for Imua Family Services which gives special needs education and support. Third we have Art Smith, from Chicago. The website says he’s Oprah’s personal chef, or he was anyway. He was a judge before also, and his charity is Common Threads which I know the contestants worked with before. Last is Michael Cimarusti from L.A. He focuses on fish and his restaurant has two Michelin stars which is pretty cool. His charity is the Grameen Foundation which works with women to help get them out of poverty. He also says that he’s the youngest today by about 10 years--when he was learning he actually worked for Jonathan.

For the Quickfire, everyone draws knives for numbers. This Quickfire is the supermarket aisle challenge. Hee. Malarkey won when they did this. Remember Malarkey? Sadly instead of going to the discount store they’re going to Whole Foods and they get $20. However they still have to shop in only one aisle and only use limited pantry ingredients. Art namedrops all the famous people he’s cooked for and rolls his eyes at the cash.

Jonathan is stuck in the canned foods/salad dressing/condiments aisle. He complains that he doesn’t open cans or bottles. Literally, he says “I don’t open cans.” He also can’t see well for some reason. Michael is in the baking aisle. He thinks about running away but the aisle is too crowded. His wife does the baking at home so he‘s pretty lost. Roy lucked out with the pasta aisle, but he can’t find soy sauce or Asian stuff. So he’s just going to have to make Italian. Art has beans/crackers/soup. Nice. Jonathan ends up being over budget.

Today’s guest judges are Whole Foods employees. Ha! Awesome. Kelly labels this the “Aisle Trial” challenge, which is a pretty good name. Roy doesn’t have any Asian ingredients so he’s going to have to wing it. His restaurant chain has 37 restaurants. 37. Wow. Art and Jonathan flail with the pressure cookers. Michael takes a minute to help them out. Jonathan says if you’re not clear about what your dish should be, the dish won’t end up clear. Well said. Art says he makes what he loves and everyone else enjoys it. Roy is putting a fried egg on top of his dish in a desperate attempt to get something Asian into it. He usually works for a long time on his menu items.

Roy: pasta with fried egg and “Asian flavors”. I don’t know what they are, they don’t say. One guy says the fried egg is weird. Jonathan: mint, lentil, and roasted pepper salad. That sounds pretty good. Everyone likes it but there’s a lot of onion. Art: multi grain risotto with crispy rice salad. Good texture and crunch. Michael: chocolate parfait with ginger sauterne syrup and sesame crackers. Isn’t a parfait like a trifle? It looks like chocolate mousse. Not that chocolate mousse is bad, just that when someone says “parfait” that’s not what I expect. Everyone loves it.
Jonathan = 3.5, Roy = 4, Art = 4.5, and Michael = 5 stars. Those are very high scores for the first round.

Today’s elimination challenge also involves drawing knives. On each knife is someone else’s name. Kelly says that they’ll be making a “mystery box” for that chef, that has to have at least 7 ingredients in it. Then you have to use at least 7 ingredients in your box to make a dish for the critics and also some culinary students. LAME. I’ve seen this show before. It’s called “Chopped” and is one of the reasons Ted Allen isn’t a judge anymore, but before that it was called “Doorknock Dinners” hosted by Gordon Elliot. And then before that it was called “Iron Chef”. Psshh. “Make a meal with surprise/random ingredients”. At least the last time it was improv people shouting things that gave them ingredients.

The budget today is $300. I guess the twist of being able to screw your competition is interesting, but Jonathan says the word “sabotage” doesn’t exist among chefs, because they have respect for each other. In fact, everyone seems to be super nice about it, because they don’t want to screw over anyone else. This challenge is wasted on this season. Some old woman asks Jonathan if he’s really a master chef and he says he is. Roy is lost; Jonathan thinks he hasn’t been in a supermarket in 30 years.

Commercial interlude: supposedly they’re in Kelly’s house? And everyone is cooking dinner, all different courses. Everyone is friends and they all love everyone’s food, and this is why no one watches this show. There’s no drama and the average reality television viewer is bored.
So the boxes have 11 ingredients, and they only have to use 7. Stupid. Art (who is getting presents from Roy) is afraid he’ll have to butcher/kill something. He loves his box. It’s like Christmas. They should have to use all 11 ingredients. Roy really wanted Art to have the chance to showcase his talent. I guess this is along the lines of “I want to beat the best”. Art gives Roy his box, which is filled with plenty of good stuff. Michael and Jonathan trade boxes. Jonathan, finally, thank God, does something interesting by not putting any fish or shellfish into Michael’s box. So Michael is denied his specialty. Whatever. They have 2 hours to cook everything.

Roy is figuring out what a time constraint does to your cooking. Michael has a plan, even though he’s making lamb and not fish. Jonathan complains about his eyesight, and he’s got glasses, so maybe he needs a new prescription? He says it might be the tequila, and Michael jokes that it might be “that other thing”. Jonathan says they’re not that friendly so don’t get “brash”. Hee hee hee. Uh…I mean…I don’t know what he’s talking about. He says normally he wouldn’t use 7 ingredients; he’d use maybe 3. Michael doesn’t like peeling sunchokes, and Jonathan says he doesn’t peel them. Art says something about pie. Roy’s fish pieces are different sizes and are cooking at different speeds. Jonathan’s cleaned up his presentation. There is a ton of frantic plating. Michael doesn’t get to sauce all his plates.

Gail is here today, along with James and Gael. Art is up first: fried chicken two ways, plus mango pie. Gail is eating with her hands, yay! She says it “oozes” Art Smith. James thinks it’s very much in his comfort zone. Roy: short rib kalbi and mahi mahi with lemongrass and ginger crust. Garlic chili paste on the short ribs. The fish is delicious. Why don’t we get a list of ingredients? Michael: loin of lamb with sunchoke puree, broccoli and purple cauliflower. He says there should be orange sauce but he didn’t get everyone’s on the plate. James says nothing tasted bad but nothing tasted super great. The sauce was great but not everyone had it. Jonathan is last, and he says it’s “retro 80’s”: pork sausage and chop with cauliflower celery root puree and black truffle. Yum. James and Gael call it “home cooking” but I can’t tell if that’s supposed to be an insult or not. Backstage the chefs have ignored the wine in favor of vodka. Art thinks the judges might not be nice. Pff.

Gael thinks Michael’s dish was better without the sauce. Oh, burn. He didn’t really mix anything, but he cooked everything separately so they’d keep their flavors. Then he talks about not wanting to screw anyone. Everyone loved Art’s mango pie. For some reason they tease Jonathan for calling Art “honey”. I don’t know. James was worried that the two chicken dishes would compete with each other, but Art says those are both southern classics. Kelly got a slightly overcooked piece of mahi mahi from Roy. Gael, however, loved it. The mix of short ribs and mahi mahi, didn’t work so well together as one dish. Jonathan’s plate was huge and the sauce spilled everywhere, and he would have picked another plate, but in general he doesn’t really care about plating anyway. He says to get the most flavor out of truffles he grates them. I think this group had the most fun out of all the groups. As shown by the fact they go back to the Stew Room and rejoice over the booze.

Nothing but praise for Art, but suddenly Roy’s short ribs were chewy and the fish was over sauced. Why didn’t they tell him that? That really bugs me about this show. Roy obviously doesn’t improvise well, and he admitted that. Michael’s individual components were good, but they didn’t immediately blend together. For a minute the critics argue about Jonathan’s truffles but it’s really only about 15 seconds. You know what? They don’t even need to be doing this since every critic scores each contestant. They’re individual scores, it’s not like they have to agree on a loser.

Jonathan = 20; Roy = 15; Michael = 17.5; Art = 22. So Art will be moving on. Finally we are done with the prelims and are moving on to the semi-finals. We’ll have some continuity. Art is very moved by winning. Everyone is going to be friends forever!

Next week: the final 6 return. That’s about all I got out of the preview. Clicky clicky

Top Chef: Masters 7/15/09--"Miniaturize Me" summary

Last time on “Top Chef: Masters”: Everyone had to cook eggs one handed. John Besh, a person who thought he could be an Iron Chef, failed so spectacularly he could only turn in one pottery crock with one half cooked egg. Anita Lo did very well, and also succeeded in making a dish showcasing “illusion” so she went on to the semifinals. The previews promised us Neil Patrick Harris but he was on-screen for like 3 minutes, which is ridiculous because I know he is funnier than that. False advertising. (click for more)

First into the kitchen is Rick Moonen, from Vegas. He started cooking when his mom would make him cook in order to give him something to do. His charity is the Cape Cod Commercial Hook Fisherman’s Association, which supports sustainable fishing. Next we have Nils Noren, who is Vice President of Culinary Arts for the French Culinary Institute. He’s Swedish, and yet Bravo doesn’t feel the need to subtitle him. Not that I can’t understand him. Jay Ray says he is very much the Swedish Chef, and I think he means the Muppet, but then he says he’s cool and precise, so that doesn’t make any sense. He’s playing for the Friends of the French Culinary Institute. Third is Lachlan Mackinnon Patterson, from Boulder. Rick hassles him about being younger. He is younger (and cute). While he’s from Boulder he started his career in St. Louis, so I’m surprised I haven’t heard anyone claiming him yet. He has excellent experience. His charity is the Denver Children’s Hospital. Finally is Michael Chiarello. You may know him from his cooking show on Food Network, but he also owns a restaurant in Napa. Jay Ray says he’s left the TV world and is back at the restaurant. I was wondering about that. His charity is Clinic Ole, which provides healthcare to Latino immigrants.

Kelly comes in, here are the rules, blah dee blah. The Quickfire is the junk food challenge. Heh. They have to make fine dining dishes. Michael claims to not recognize some of the junk food, and listen. I know you are a big famous chef. Don’t pretend like you’ve never seen a Twinkie in your life. He picks out fish sticks and tarter sauce. Lachlan takes a hot dog. Rick says those were his top two choices, and he knows he’s making a hot dog anyways, so might as well take corndogs. Nils takes fried shrimp, which I would argue is not really junk food, but whatever. The guest judges are THAT BASTARD JEFF LEWIS!!!! I hate him. He’s a jerk for no reason, and I know that I was wanting people to be critical but he is critical just to try and make people cry. Plus he’s a famewhore and tries to say stuff that will get him on camera but it’s not funny. God, Bravo, fire his ass already. The other three are other people on his staff, I forget their names because I don’t watch the show, and you know Jeff won’t let them speak anyway. Michael says this is hard because Jeff and the crew eat a lot of junk food, and it’s hard to be judged by people who don’t know food. Notice no one said that about the Girl Scouts.

The chefs have 45 minutes. Lachlan is making sausage, to put into stew. Rick is making a seafood hot dog, which I’ve seen before but it was good. He’s so hyper he’s practically twitching. Nils is poaching his shrimp, with sauce that’s like tartar sauce…but shouldn’t it be crunchy? Lachlan thinks that Michael has traveled to the same places he has, so their styles are similar, but Michael hasn’t been in a restaurant for a while. True, life is different when you don’t have an army of prep chefs and swap outs. Michael is making fish meatballs. Break for Kelly to encourage Jeff to talk and get more screen time. UNNECESSARY. Lachlan can’t get his sausage done enough (dirty!). Nils compares the timer to a train that will leave on time without you. Rick starts to freak out and when time is called his corndogs are still in the deep fryer basket. Oops. He has nothing. Not even one solitary half-cooked egg.

Lachlan serves a prosciutto stufado with homemade pork sausage. Stufado is Italian vegetable stew with a tomato base. The broth is great but the sausage is kind of rare. Michael has swordfish meatballs with fisherman’s sauce and green chili mayonnaise. Swordfish is one of those things I do not like. When you cook it, it’s got the texture of cooked tuna. Imagine eating tuna straight out of the can with nothing in it. Bleh. Everyone seems to enjoy this one, though. Nils serves shrimp with creamed corn and pickled cherry tomatoes, in a lobster sauce. The diners ask about the “fried” part of the shrimp. Jeff complains that the dish is plain without the tomato. Kelly informs the judges that the last chef didn’t finish, and then Jeff complains that he would have had seconds of the meatballs because he’s hungry and didn’t they have 45 minutes? I’d like to see you make things in 45 minutes, OCD boy. Rick basically says exactly what I just did, which makes him my favorite. Michael kind of shrugs that this just means his chances of winning have gone up.

Scores: Lachlan, 3; Nils, 3; Rick, 0; Michael, 4.5. Kelly claims anyone could still win.

For the Elimination challenge, the chefs will have to cook a 3 course meal, for 100, by themselves. Kelly explains that tomorrow is a big party for 100 of the show’s biggest fans, and each of them will have to make up 3 hors d’oeuvres. Kelly, you liar. There is a huge difference between “3 courses” and “3 hors d’oeuvres”. The twist is that they’re supposed to be an appetizer, an entrée, and a dessert, only in hors d’oeuvres size. So miniature. That’s not a bad challenge, but I don’t think we needed to give everyone heart attacks about it. Now everyone is relieved. They’ll have 3 hours today, and 1 hour tomorrow. I wish I lived in L.A. so I could have gone. And they get $1000 as a budget.

Shopping is fun, although Rick is still freaking out. His menu is as follows: opakapaka ceviche, a brandade of scallop and shrimp (brandade is pounded seafood with garlic and cream), and a preserved lemon custard. Lachlan is making pineapple and speck “fritta esotica”, grilled beef short ribs, and strawberry frangipane tart. Speck is fatty bacon. And why does my spell-check recognize “frangipane” but not “prosciutto”? Frangipane is a tart filling that is almond flavored. Michael is browsing ingredients to see what’s in season before he makes up his menu, which we don’t see now but it seems to include basil strawberry gelato.

Nils wants to do all his cooking now so he doesn’t have to cook anything on site tomorrow. Not a bad idea. His menu is diced scallop, slow cooked salmon, and a chocolate and goat cheese ganache. Mmm, chocolate and goat cheese ganache with smoked tea whipped cream. Lachlan is going for it. Michael hopes his menu sets him apart: shaved Brussels sprouts salad, spicy prawns, and balsamic marinated strawberries with goat milk and basil gelato. Rick respects the contestants more after failing. Michael’s gelato isn’t freezing, but instead is separating, so he has to pour it into a container and stick the whole thing in the freezer. He says he’s just hoping he doesn’t screw up as badly as someone else. Well, that sounds ominous.

In the morning everyone collects their food. Michael takes his melty gelato and puts it in the blast freezer. He has no idea how it works but Lachlan does, so he says he’ll let Lachlan teach the old man. Rick is confident with his food but he’s used to having people help him prep. They’re setting up in the critics’ room. Nils is decorating his table. Rick makes the servers help him bring his food out, as is Michael. Nils is ready early, which makes him nervous. But he gets over it by helping Rick prep avocados.

So it looks like each course will be served separately, with the appetizers being on display right now, and then I guess they’ll clear down and put out main courses, and then desserts. Thankfully, Jeff Lewis has gone away. Michael’s salad has asparagus as well as Brussels sprouts, with a citrus vinaigrette and Marcona almonds. It seems well received. OH I knew that girl looked familiar! It’s Sweet P! She’s there with her husband (I think) who is in a suit with a fedora. Hee. The critics kind of frown about eating salad standing up. Lachlan is next with his “fritta esotica” which is pineapple wrapped in spick and then fried. He’s got a line because he’s frying things right before serving. Some random girls talk about being fans. The sweetness of the pineapple kind of got lost among the grease and meat. Rick’s ceviche also has barramundi, yuzu, avocado, and grapefruit. Jerell! You guys, why can’t “Project Runway” alums be guest judges? Oh, I know, you are having a big fight now, but old seasons? Please? Everyone loves the ceviche. Rick thinks all “Top Chef” fans are foodies. Nils’s scallop has smoked potato cream, apple, and curry oil. James loves the presentation and thinks it’s the best match to the theme. The theme of “miniature dinner”, or something.

Main courses are up next. Michael serves prawns with rice flour, chili and garlic oil, that he is calling “pissed off prawns”. Some girl asks why they’re pissed off (duh) and Michael, with a straight face, says “They’re dead.” Everyone goes “Ooohhhhh!“ like they just got it. Sigh. I thought only fans could get in here. They should be able to figure out that angry = spicy. Gael complains that one would never have a knife at a cocktail party, while James claims that you might. What parties are YOU going to, James? And why are we cutting shrimp with a knife anyway? As far as I can tell they like the flavor. Rick serves his brandade of scallop and shrimp with a fennel and frisee salad that has truffle vinaigrette. Michael thinks Rick is on it tonight, due to his motivator of zero stars. Everyone loves it. Lachlan has his short ribs with an anchovy parmesan vinaigrette and horseradish. It looks like there’s one leaf of romaine lettuce on each plate. They love it and wish the lettuce was his appetizer. Nils has salmon with Napa cabbage, chorizo, broccoli puree and Madeira sauce. The puree is like this bright green button. The critics love this one too.

Dessert is last. Lachlan serves his strawberry tart with yogurt semifreddo (gelato, basically). It looks pretty good. Jerell likes it. James claims the strawberries taste like meat. Michael’s gelato froze up well, but it’s taking him a long time to plate up everything. Balsamic marinated strawberries with basil gelato and chocolate crème fraiche. I want some. Some girl helps him plate, and then another one. Nice work. Gael doesn’t like “lawn cuttings” in her desserts. Rick doesn’t do desserts. So why did you make panna cotta? It has lemon, macadamia nuts, coconut, ginger, and pineapple. It just kind of looks like pudding. The critics seem to like it, but for some reason Jay Ray feels the need to share that proper panna cotta should wobble like a woman’s breast. Thanks for sharing. Nils is last, with chocolate goat cheese ganache (I guess he’s serving it like fudge), Cara Cara orange glaze and smoked tea whipped cream. Some girl takes one bite and is done. Sweet P says it’s too smart. The critics seem to be OK with it. Everyone seems glad to be done.

Michael is up first at Critics’ Table. They liked the salad, and the prawns, but Gael is still hung up on needing a knife to eat them. Michael points out that he left the tails on so you could eat it without a knife. So there. Ray Jay says there was too much oil. Despite complaining, Gael liked his dessert. Nils says he didn’t cook his salmon sous vide, and James says it was too fishy, but Gael and Jay Ray are like, I tasted nothing, you’re too picky. Nils stands behind his dessert even though the critics think it was weak. Then he makes a joke about smoking things in Sweden. Hee. They like the challenge. Lachlan (who is still cute) talks about the show. James thinks it was too salty. Usually frangipane has pears, but they’re not in season, which Jay Ray takes as a good excuse for switching to strawberries. The judges ask about Rick’s dishes, but they are especially curious about his panna cotta. Apparently they thought he made one big container and then scooped it out into serving dishes, but he tells them he made 100 individual cups of panna cotta and found room for them in the fridge. Everyone is impressed.

No one has anything bad to say about Michael’s flavors. Nils had the most elegant dishes but the smoked tea was too heavy of a flavor. Jay Ray for some reason is offended at fried pineapple from Lachlan, and James is still freaking out about the meat flavor. Jay Ray makes fun of him. Rick’s brandade seems to be the favorite dish overall, and they enjoyed his other dishes too.

Commercial interlude: Rick has ADD and is a clown.

Rick = 17 stars (let’s note that’s more than both John Besh and Douglas Rodriguez last week), Lachlan = 15.5 (aww, bye cute boy), Nils = 17, and Michael = 19.5. Interesting. I guess he has been back in the restaurant enough.

Next week: some trash talking, but other than that I have no idea what’s going on.

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