TAR 31, Recap Leg 0, 4/10/19

Welcome back to the Amazing Race! It’s season number thirty-one, and the gimmick this season is a Battle of the CBS Reality Network Stars! Now, to be fair, I was anticipating this start after school had completed so I was completely caught off guard when this season was moved up to HOLY WEEK of all times to start a television show. (Toyouke: “I do not like that there are no individual team videos.”) That does make things difficult. Oh, and I brought Toyouke along for the snark. Aren’t you lucky? Since the teams of two were predetermined, and many are from the same reality show, we’ll be able to do this the way it should be, as in without watching the first episode. The eleven teams for TAR31 are (click for more):

Art and JJ, Team Patrulla Fronteriza. The Border Patrol guys are back! Last seen as the runners up in TAR20, Art and JJ are still friends and still working as federal agents. (Toyouke: “I mean whatever. They're almost 50 so if they can keep up they'll be fine. I do remember not liking them at all, but they certainly are capable.”) Well, they are a few years older. But they found a way to do well last time. Prediction: Eighth Place.

Becca and Floyd, Team Nerdgasm. Becca and Floyd were on TAR29 when they were paired with each other on the starting line. They had immediate chemistry and were sorely missed after finishing fifth in their season. They now live in Colorado, and regularly watch the show together. (Toyouke: “Truly a chance at redemption. However, I feel like I need to remember how when we thought Floyd lost his passport, and they were waiting for the cab to bring it back to him, and Becca kept smacking his arm and yelling at him. It was...not great. But then he passed out and she was much nicer about it so maybe she realized what was happening. Aside from that, they got along so, so well, and they were very capable. I love them so much.”) Prediction: Winners, TAR 31.

Chris and Bret, Team Millennials Vs Gen X. They were on Survivor 33, and finished eleventh and fifth respectively. They live across the country from each other, but they both work in jobs involving law or legal enforcement. (Toyouke: “So I know I watched the "Milennials vs. Gen X" season of Survivor but I don't remember it at all. In terms of physicality, I think Survivor alums are better prepared than Big Brother alums. But it's a policeman and a lawyer, both of whom are our age, and are most worried about terrorism and Africa. Literally Africa.”) OK, so this might not be great. But they seem physically fit to handle the race. Prediction: Ninth Place.

Colin and Christie, Team My Ox Is Broken!. Seriously have been waiting for them to come back for fifteen years. TAR 5 provided us with so many fantastic Colin memories: “My Ox Is Broken!”, “I’m Packing It!”, and who can forget the stand-off with the Tanzanian police. (Toyouke: “I am so excited about Colin but I also am very afraid they're totally changed and also the first out. Their kids' names are Achilles and Cruz. For real. Colin sounds completely ridiculous, talking about "high vibrations" and "engineered reality". But buried in there is an acknowledgement of what an ass he was, and the hope that he'll be less of an ass this time. Christie's job is 100% ridiculous, and somehow her favorite part of her season was Africa. Where Colin offered to throw down with the president and was almost arrested. Plus she says she is "up-leveling" her relationship with Colin, and not "leveling up" so that just rubs me the wrong way.”) I also don’t think they’ll be around very long. Prediction: Seventh Place.

Corinne and Eliza, Team Fans Vs Favorites. Corinne is medical sales professional and Eliza is public defender. They’ve both been on two seasons of Survivor each, and both on one of the Fans vs. Favorites seasons. (Toyouke: “I don't remember them either. But Eliza points out Survivor prepares you for not eating (so saving money) and sleeping anywhere (like outside the task). Good points. Corinne says the accomplishment she's most proud of is not becoming a real estate agent or yoga instructor after her time of Survivor. Either she'll have hilarious shade for everyone and I'll like them, or she'll just be a bitch and I will celebrate her elimination.”) I think Corinne looks like fun. Prediction: Sixth Place.

Janelle and Britney, The Friendly Houseguests. So, I thought they were models. They’re just suburbanites who have been on five seasons of Big Brother between them. They just look. . . meh. (Toyouke: “Oh look, hot blonde girls. Janelle thinks she's part Asian. Girl. She hopes to prove moms can do anything. The Bowling Moms already did that. Even Phil doesn't think they'll do well, because he says while they're moms and can adapt to the chaos of having kids, the Race is too reactive for their strategery from Big Brother to transfer.”) Look, I appreciate BB Houseguests trying, but they are the least prepared for the Amazing Race based solely on their reality television participation. Prediction: Tenth Place.

Leo and Jamal, The Afghanimals. Two seasons of these yahoos weren’t enough? They live across the country from each other now, but they are in their thirties, look physically fit, and never finished lower than fourth in the race. (Toyouke: “I mean screw these guys too. 1. you can't make up your own nickname, 2. they went on the Race to meet women, 3. who even cares.”) They’re going to continue to do well.  Prediction: Third Place.

Nicole and Victor, The Engaged Houseguests. They are from Michigan, and Nicole won Big Brother 18. They look young and fit, so probably fine? (Toyouke: “These are Big Brother people so I don't know them or anything about them. They sound like they fully understand that Big Brother is not the same, that they're probably not in good enough shape, and that a former Racer is much more of a threat than a Survivor or a Big Brother...person.”) Prediction: Fifth Place.

Rachel and Elissa, The Houseguest Sisters. OMG Rachel’s career has got to be Reality TV Show Mug by now. She’s got the most variety of experience, having raced twice with her husband and been on Big Brother twice. This time around, she’s racing with her sister, and only the third pair to ever race without their original partners. That has proven moderately successful in the past. (Toyouke: “I really did not like Rachel and the only thing I can think of is maybe she won't be so obnoxious when it's not Brandon and she's not harping him and having babies. However she does mention she and her sister got married the same year and had babies and it seems just as annoying.”) Prediction: Fourth Place.

Rupert and Laura, Team Blood Vs Water. Ugh. Rupert. (Toyouke: “Fucking Rupert.”) Four seasons of Survivor, and his wife. Prediction: Eleventh Place.

Tyler and Korey, Team Hot Gay YouTube Celebrities. YAY! I love Tyler and Korey. They’re cute, they’re fun and they deserve to do well. (Toyouke: “Look at these two in their tank tops trying to show off how buff they are. Tyler has been making videos for 12 years. TWELVE. They're super fun. And they know how to race.”) Prediction: Second Place.

And there it is. Another crazy batch of contestants. Hopefully you were able to tune in on Wednesday, April 17 at 8:00 pm CDT for the hour premiere, but if not, the next episode is at that same time next week. See you with the first recap soon!