Bromans 9/28/17--Season 1 Episode 3 summary

Previously on “Bromans”: a new pair was introduced to the competition. Liam looked very intimidating, but couldn't follow it up. His girlfriend Ellie didn't approve, but no one really judged her for being mad at Liam. Meanwhile, Kai failed to understand one of the two rules of the wrestling challenge, and Modina laid into him about it and was soundly denounced. There was no explanation for why everyone said Modina was wrong, but when Ellie did the same thing no one cared. We also had an “American Gladiator” style challenge which looked painful and seemed to involve not falling down as much as it involved winning fights. Tom won, although it's not clear if he actually won any kind of prize. Kai and Tian were up for elimination, and although Kai argued that he was useless and should be kept, Doctore told Natalie to speak for Tian and then everyone voted for Tian except for Glenn. I know I was treating this show as just dumb fluff, but you all know how I feel about elimination shenanigans. There are aliens at the edge of the galaxy who know how I feel about elimination shenanigans. So Kai and Modina were banished. (click for more)

We open with some nudity and showering. As we should. At breakfast someone wants to know what time it is, as if it matters. Dino looks at the wall and says that judging by the shadows it's quarter to 8, or maybe quarter to 9. Heh. One of the girls (I think Nicola) starts babbling about ancient times and says that obviously the Romans liked chickens, and eggs, but like, how did they boil eggs? SIGH. When someone answers “With a pan”, like seriously, she's all “but how did they have a pan?” Are you trying to convince me that a 20 year old woman thinks the concept of boiling is a modern invention? As are pans? Come on now.

Dominus and Doctore stand on a balcony and watch everyone in the courtyard lounging. Doctore says they have to stop being friends and crybabies. Dominus has a new pair of contestants. So we always have to have eight pairs, is that it? I really, REALLY want a pair to walk in and it's two boys. Callum and Rachel walk in. Callum is a ginger so it's good he didn't have to stand in the sun on the first day. He tries to flex and be intimidating but cracks himself up. Hee. No one is impressed on first sight, although Dino makes a dumb joke about frying him first before eating him for breakfast. You haven't been a stellar competitor so far, Dino. Callum makes jokes about himself as Rachel is shocked at Summer's story about getting hurt the first day. I like them, which probably means they're not long for this world.

Doctore greets everyone in the Colosseum, where there is exercise equipment scattered around. He tells the lads he'd banish them all if he could, and he's going to work them. If you die, die quietly outside. Hee. Oh also I didn't mention how Roman says Doctore is going to give the lads “an absolute drilling”. Hee hee hee. Doctore yells at Callum briefly, then gets in Brandon's face for whatever reason. He does that thing where Brandon says “Understood” and then Doctore says “Understood what?” because he wants them to say “sir” or whatever, and then Brandon says “Understood you” so Doctore accuses him of being smart and eyeballing him. Brandon doesn't flinch, to his credit. The girls eavesdrop as Doctore yells at everyone and makes them all do push-ups. Oh sorry, press-ups. Brandon says he does not have an attitude, but he's not yelling loud enough at first. He claims his dad always told him to look a man in the eyes. I don't think it was the eye contact that got you in trouble, but rather your smartass mouth. Also how you looked pissed off.

The two lads who do the best today get rewarded. Attitude will get you punished by Doctore personally. One of the girls says “Betcha you'd rather him punish us” and they all giggle. Hee. There is pull ups, a heavy bag for punching, some weights. So a bunch of stations you have to rotate around. One of the stations looks like thick ropes that you move up and down like double dutch. Hauling a canvas bag I'm sure is full of weights. I mean you can picture it. Doctore is yelling at people, things like “Did you just come on this show to get in your girlfriend's knickers?!” He says that to Jordan, as Jade is telling Rachel how Jordan keeps trying to sleep with her and she keeps refusing. The boys are getting tired, as the girls are just lounging. Doctore is actually encouraging people which is nice. When it's over, he says that Brandon and Glenn put in the most effort. Nice. Glenn is the smallest guy here. Doctore tells everyone else they might not be the strongest two, but he can see them trying to keep up and pushing themselves. Especially Glenn. Then Glenn gets an interview where he confuses David and Goliath, and then decides Goliath was a dragon. Well at least he's cute, I guess.

Back in the courtyard, Dino decides Doctore was looking out for the little guys. Glenn thinks Dino is worried about Cherelle's reaction. I mean, she's not thrilled, but she's not yelling. Ellie isn't thrilled either. Liam promises to chuck someone out of the ring next time, because he's here to fuck shit up.

The girls have their activity time, which involves massage tables and a statue of a penis. I know we're all giggly about it, because I would be too, but actual Roman homes had a statue of Priapus, which was essentially a garden gnome with a huge penis, and you were supposed to stroke it as you went by to appease the god. IT'S A REAL THING I SWEAR. Anyway, sculpture time. The Emperor wants some of their “favorite” parts sculpted for his collection. They pair off and cover themselves in plaster. Everyone has chosen either their boobs or their ass, except for Nicola who wants to do her feet. Roman is shocked, and asks “Who's idea was this?!” and there is a shot of Dominus. So lots of ass but they carefully do not show any nipple. What kind of bullshit standards and practices is this where I can show a penis but not a woman's nipple? Meanwhile Brandon is doing Jordan's hair. I don't know. At least it's equal opportunity exploitation. The girls giggle and shriek about how the plaster feels. Dominus tells the camera it's so lovely to hear the girl's voices, like birdsong. Then someone says “fanny” (British for vagina) and someone says “tits” and his mouth twitches. I love this show.

Glenn and Brandon sit by themselves somewhere eating, and Glenn says to Brandon he's heard he has a huge penis, and Brandon says he does and Tom is obsessed with it. What?! Why haven't we seen this yet? Glenn wants to know how big it is (same, Glenn, same) and Brandon holds up a roasted chile and says it's kind of like that. I can't estimate lengths for shit but it does seem impressive, I guess. Then we discuss how Glenn's nickname is “Girthy Glenn” and Glenn deep throats the pepper as Brandon feeds it to him and says suggestive comments. Well, not really, because he gets like one third in his mouth and bites down, as Brandon says “Not the whole thing, because I want some.” God bless this show.

Nicola is the one girl sculpting her feet, just to be different. She does admit she has sort of a foot fetish. The second round of sculptures sticks a little. They unmold and giggle about it. Now the boys get to come in and “admire” the work. They touch everything, and I'm waiting for them to break something but they don't. Cherelle says they now have to stand behind their girlfriend's sculpture. Oh you know this will be a disaster. They all finally guess. Callum guesses right, and then a bunch of them do, and I think we're meant to believe everyone guessed properly. Cherelle tries to psych out Dino but he knows her thigh gap. I don't believe they all guessed correctly but whatever.

Glenn and Brandon take their girlfriends to enjoy their reward for winning this morning, which is massages. Sweet. Summer is loving today. She thinks walking around in her toga, she feels like Maid Marian. Sigh. Glenn and Brandon continue to flirt with each other. Glenn brags about his nickname “Girthy Glenn” and Summer says he calls himself that. Heh.

The next day, Jordan decides to write a poem so Jade will sleep with him. Calm down, dude. Liam worries about being banished. Nicola's worried too, because she is realizing her boyfriend isn't as great as she imagined, compared to the other contestants. Jordan drags Jade off somewhere and tells her his poem. She thinks at first he's proposing. Not out of the question. “You know I love you and that.” Great start. This poem is terrible. Basically Jordan insults her and says everyone else is having sex so please bang him. She laughs and kisses him, but then says no. Ha!

Today the lads will be tested in working as a team. Each couple will be tied together on a rotating platform. The girls spin the platform, so the lads can pick up ammo for slingshots. Then the girls spin the platform back around so the lads can hit the other pair at the other end of the arena. The ammo looks like it's the size of a golf ball, but made of clay so I'm sure it's not pleasant. Whoever hits their opponent the most wins the round, and the lad who makes the most hits wins.

Dino and Cherelle vs. Glenn and Summer. Doctore properly references David and Goliath, so that Glenn can trash talk Dino. As they interview, Glenn says “Maid Madeline”. The hits look painful actually. The lads wince but don't do a lot of yelling during the match, and Glenn and Summer end up winning 3-2. Nice. Cherelle is slightly annoyed but not really. As Summer references Maid Marian again Glenn admits he has absolutely no idea who that is. Oh, Glenn.

Brandon and Nicola vs. Liam and Ellie. Liam brags that he used to do archery. Sure. I didn't notice before but Ellie only comes up to his shoulder. Brandon's first shot falls at his feet, while Liam can't seem to figure out how to work a slingshot. This is pathetic. Finally they figure it out. Sad. Brandon and Nicola win 2-1. They do a victory dance, but Dominus tells them he wouldn't dance if he was them, because it was pathetic. Liam is clearly pissed. OK audio editors. Don't play “Everything I Do” for Liam and Ellie when Summer has been talking about Maid Marian for this entire episode. Are you fucking kidding me? Get your shit together. Ellie is pretty upset. I mean she says something about Robin Hood but give me a break.

Callum and Rachel vs. Tom and Rhiannon. Tom feels Callum is too pale so he should be a shiny target. He tells Callum he will batter him with his balls. Well. There is a lot of failing, again, as Dominus asks “They do understand they actually have to hit the opponent?” Tom and Rhiannon win 2-1. Tom dodged really well, to be fair. Tom likens it to a one-night stand, quick and out. Heh.

Tian and Natalie vs. Jordan and Jade. Listen they are both adjusting themselves. I just report the facts. They trash talk and Dominus says “Somebody get somebody in the bloody face.” Same. Jordan sucks at this. Tian and Natalie win 6-1. Damn. So they win the whole thing. Doctore yells “Finally your man amounts to something!” Jordan complains that he's been drilled.

Everyone discusses who might be up for banishment. They think Liam probably is up. Dino is a little bit nervous for the first time. Time for the Emperor and whatever nonsense they use to hide his face. Dominus names Liam, who has the size but has also failed every test. Jordan's fitness is an issue. Brandon is Doctore's secret weapon. It sounds like Dominus tried to put Brandon up but Doctore stood up for him?

Banishment time. Liam and Jordan are up for banishment. Doctore starts talking about how it's a beautiful evening and one more weak link will be gone from his ranks. Jordan, you have a big mouth, I'm sure you have something to say. Heh. Jordan says he's giving it his all, he will cheer them up and be more valuable than just challenges. Liam knows he hasn't been successful so far, but he has more to offer. He knows Jordan is the funny guy, but “I'm the big guy, if you want to go up against me, it's down to you guys.” Huh? How is that supposed to keep him around? Whatever. Everyone discusses. Brandon says he knows the measure of Jordan so he's going with him. Someone says they're going with Liam, but in the end, it looks like only Dino and Cherelle vote for Liam. Aww.

Dominus says it looks like Liam's fellow citizens have sided with Jordan. However! Surprising news! The Emperor's Council has taken pity on both of them so there is no banishment tonight. So why all this stupid drama? Just to see who is on what side? I guess I can get behind that. Hilariously Dominus turns it over to Doctore, who immediately yells at them all to shut up, and tells Jordan and Liam all is not well and they will both be severely punished in the morning. Dirty!

Back at the quarters Liam wants to confront everyone about why they didn't vote to keep him. You know that won't end well. He's pretty pissed. Then he goes through with it! He says to Callum he's here to be a warrior, not banter. He is seriously yelling at everyone about how Jordan is not here for the right reasons or whatever. The other lads try to explain themselves, but Liam won't accept that it's not personal. Ellie claims it doesn't bother her, but she seems on the edge of tears. She's worried that Liam is actually hurt and upset. Ellie yells at the cameras and leaves to train. Liam follows her to “sort things with Ellie”.

Next time: Liam and Jordan find out what their punishment is. The girls actually have to do something.