Bromans 9/21/17--Season 1 Episode 2 summary

Previously on “Bromans”: a bunch of Jersey Shore-types showed up to a crappy set to pretend to be gladiators. First they had to stand outside naked while their girlfriends dug for clothing. Then they had to haul rocks in a chariot. In between these activities was a lot of nonsense and general tomfoolery. The two main actors broke the 4^th wall repeatedly, almost as if they knew they were in a terrible show. The two slowest lads, Richard and Glenn, were up for elimination. As the contestants voted for who would go home, they decided Glenn was easy to beat so they kept him. Richard and Sophii lost. This show might be terrible, but I find it endlessly entertaining, which probably means I should think about my life. (click for more)

Also I looked it up and Announcer Guy's name is Roman Kemp, I'm pretty sure. Because of course it is.

We start with some showering. Why? Who cares. Jordan thinks he will be having sex soon. Jade laughs at his assertion that he's sexually frustrated already. As everyone suns themselves, Tom and Dino are apparently rivals. Because Tom beat Dino yesterday in the chariot race. Dino tries to be intimidating by saying Tom's one to watch out for, even though he didn't think so at first. I don't think Tom cares that much. Dino and Cherelle are just killing time until everyone else is eliminated so they can win.

The boys have to train, while the girls have the morning “off” to just lounge around, I guess. Time to test fighting ability. Doctore will pair them off. Kai and Brandon, Tom and Tian, Jordan and Glenn. That leaves Dino for last, unpaired, so Doctore hollers and some absolutely huge man comes out. Heh. They did at least pair everyone off by size, more or less, and Dino is bigger than everyone. For a second I thought Dino would be fighting Doctore, but he's fighting Liam, who is introduced as a new Broman. Not sure what that means. Oh, it means that he's a new contestant, because here is his girlfriend Ellie, sauntering in to the courtyard to freak everyone out. She's very nonchalant about how Liam is huge and a bodybuilder, and also how she's competitive. I love how casual she is about all of this. Liam interviews that Ellie is fiery. So are they just going to keep rotating people in so there's eight at all times?

Anyway, there's a sandbag in the center of the ring. You run out from opposite sides and whoever makes it back to their side with the bag and rings the bell wins. First up is Jordan and Glenn. Everyone has black speedos today. Jordan tries to yell and be intimidating. Cue slo-mo wrestling. Jordan gets Glenn on the ground, and then jumps up to get the bag and powers his way to the bell. Glenn just wasn't strong enough to keep him down, even though he caught up to Jordan before Jordan got to the bell. Also there is some bulge happening, because basically someone wanted some fit lads to stand around naked and wrestle each other because they saw it in a porno once. I can't believe they let them wear speedos while wrestling, to be honest.

Kai and Brandon. We get some interview time with Kai and Modina. They're cute, even though she seems maybe a bit dim? Not sure. Back in the courtyard, Modina tells the girls Kai does some MMA. This match involves far less wrestling, because Kai just grabs Brandon around the waist and heads over to his bell. He rings it, but never tries to take the bag from Brandon, and I think Brandon figures it out very quickly because he doesn't really fight very much. Once Kai rings the bell he lets go, because he's forgotten that you are supposed to have a hold on the bag. So Brandon just sprints for his bell and wins easily. Oh, Kai. Announcer Roman says the same thing. Heh. No one knows how Kai forgot one of the two rules. After he gets back into line, he admits he feels like shit because he lost.

Tom and Tian. They just slam into each other, and Tom knocks Tian far enough away from the bag he can just pick it up and run back. Anticlimactic.

Dino and Liam. Cherelle is oh-so-casually telling the girls (and Ellie) about how strong Dino is, and he bodybuilds, and how much can Liam bench? Oh well Dino can bench 200 pounds, blah blah. To me it's very transparent trash talking, and Ellie either is oblivious or isn't bothered because she's not really reacting. I mean I don't think Cherelle is trying to start a fight or anything, because I'm pretty sure she would backtrack immediately. Liam's fucking huge, though. Dino gets the bag first, but Liam tackles him almost immediately. They dance around for a while, and Dino lucks out that at one point they fall and Liam falls away from Dino. So Dino can get up and run straight for the bell. Doctore says they need aggression. Liam says he will not lose twice.

The boys return and everyone meets each other. Dino quickly pulls Cherelle aside and acts like he's put out he got put up against Liam, but he then says of course he won and she's excited. Aww. Actually everyone seems to be pairing off to tell their girlfriends what happened. Kai explains what happened to Modina, whose reaction is “Are you thick, though?” He tells her to fuck off. Lovely. But hilarious that she immediately understood how he fucked up. Someone else (I think Tom) is still explaining, and Kai is now cursing and smashing the basket thing he's sitting on. He was expecting “aww, you tried, it's OK”. As he's breaking things, he says “you fucking” and then a bunch of bleeps, and I cannot understand the bleeping practices. Sometimes “fuck” is bleeped and sometimes not. What did he say that was worse than “fucking”, you know? Modina is both a woman and black so there is a wealth of things it could be and none of them are good. Everyone looks over and Brandon interviews that Modina was wrong, because Kai can't do anything about it now and she should have been supportive. Yeah but her boyfriend is dumb and is now being a dick. He didn't do his best, I mean really. Modina is arguing that if it had been a fair fight, she would have no problem reassuring him. But he was an idiot so she's not going to pretend otherwise. Kai comes back over to apologize for being angry and literally kneel at her feet and bury his face in her lap. Everyone is on Kai's side. Modina does apologize, and then points out they're in a bad position. Kai interviews like, don't poke a lion with a stick, because like, you'll only get bitten. I can't roll my eyes enough. Don't come over here with the argument of “you know how I am so don't upset me and if I get mad it's your fault”.

The lads get some time off, and the girls go to meet Dominus for some drinking. There is a prominent shot of two wine bottles labeled “Caesar Chardonnay” and “Pinot Greecio”. I love this terrible show. One of the girls is like “Hi Demetrius”. Sigh. Everyone gets cups of wine, and today they'll be working for the Emperor. Dominus tells them the Emperor will only drink wine crushed by the feet of fair virgins. Summer dryly says “You got the wrong lot here.” Ha! Anyway, separate the red grapes from the green. The lads discuss how the women surely will have an easier task than they did. Dominus talks to the camera and says “in wine, there is truth”, so I wonder what truths are coming from the ladies' lips right now. They are talking about dicks. Also butts and whether or not Dino can twerk. The lads are stretching for some reason. The girls crush grapes with their feet and lick each others' feet and get completely shitfaced. There is a food fight where they throw crushed grapes at each other. Dominus pretends to be upset about it. Cherelle (I think) comes over to hug him and say he'll be proud of them, and he's all “I can't wait to see the wine. ...and separate.” Hee! There is some dancing and twerking, which I'm sure was the point of the drinking.

The girls come back shrieking and drunk. Modina is passed out. Cherelle is wavering as she babbles about being a goddess. Well that was productive.

In the morning, or the next day at least, no one seems super hungover. Jordan wants to scrap today. Just straight “man-on-man”. Hee. The lads that lost yesterday are obviously out to prove themselves. Tian and Natalie get some interview time, where they decide Natalie would have been the gladiator.

We go to some courtyard labeled “Cesspit”, which is an open pit with muddy water. Sixteen stone pedestals are arranged in a 4 x 4 square in the center. The girls are wearing burlap sacks today, apparently. Also I spied some “American Gladiator”-style poles, the ones with the padding on the ends so they look like Q-Tips. In groups of four, the lads will try to knock each other off the pedestals. Last one standing wins.

First group is Tom, Jordan, Glenn, and Liam. Well that's not even at all. Glenn's plan is to let the others knock each other out first and then sweep in later. Tom had his girlfriend give him some French braids so he feels faster. Sure. They all dance around for a while, until Liam and Jordan go at it. Liam loses his balance and falls in, while Jordan overbalances and falls in too. Oops. Meanwhile, this whole challenge looks painful. I mean you're falling onto stone squares with corners. Liam decides they were out to get him. Glenn is quick and runs a lot, but eventually Tom corners him. Glenn tries to rush Tom, but he basically bounces off and falls in. Tom manages to only put one foot in the water so he wins. Meanwhile Ellie is upset that Liam didn't keep his legs planted like they talked about. I mean when they're in the interview she's still pissed off. Right after the challenge he whispers he's crying, and she just holds him while still looking annoyed. So here's the thing: did no one notice this? Because Modina didn't support her boyfriend and everyone came down on her for being terrible, but Ellie is doing the same thing and no one has said anything about it.

Time for the last four: Kai (who can't remember Doctore's name), Brandon, Tian, and Dino. Dino almost immediately stumbles for no reason. No one is even near him. Brandon goes for Kai, but Kai jumps backward. It looks like Brandon steps off the pedestal when he lunges and falls. Kai jumps too far backwards and ends up out of the ring, so he's out too. It looks like Brandon slams his face into the pedestal. Tian and Dino spar briefly, but push off each other and they both go in. The judges (or whoever) decide Tian went in just before Dino, so Dino wins. It looks like Dino slams his elbow pretty hard before falling in.

So the final match is Tom vs. Dino. Tom is distinctly smaller. They both stand there and look at each other, but manage a total of one sort-of spar and a dodge, before Dino puts a foot wrong, slips, and falls in without Tom having to do anything. Tom is proud of himself, obviously. Cherelle is supportive, or at least if she says anything negative to Dino they don't show it.

Back in the courtyard everyone hangs out and talks to each other. Modina is still angry about yesterday. Calm down. Kai says gladiators weren't made in Essex, gladiators were made in Rome. What does that even mean. Brandon tells Nicola no one is ever safe here in Rome. Duh. We get some interview time, where Brandon says he's a model, and Nicola is a law student but also a dancer. What kind of dancer? Left ambiguous. Brandon thinks they're Essex's answer to Kim and Kanye. No, sweetie. He insists he doesn't take losing seriously, before he figures out how that is supposed to work.

Meanwhile Ellie is still pissed off, and they've gone off somewhere to have their fight in semi-privacy. I mean, as much privacy as you can get with camerapeople lurking about. It sounds like Ellie had a plan and Liam ignored it, and now she's mad about that and also about how everyone else has been here for “ages” and now he's fucked that up. I mean it's been two days, but in a game where elimination is decided by vote, I could see being concerned that everyone else has made friends and you haven't. Liam points out he wasn't trying to lose. Dino and Cherelle whisper that Ellie's pissed, with none of the judgment they all threw at Modina. Why, though. Why is everyone down on Modina about how terrible she was but Ellie is doing the exact same thing and no one cares?

Everyone primps and talks about elimination. No one knows who is going home. There is discussion of nervous farts. Roman gets super excited about maybe seeing the Emperor this week, but that's the back of his head, and never mind. Hee. He's so frustrated and it's hilarious to me. Dominus names Glenn, Tian, Kai, and Liam. Glenn and Tian both just failed, Kai stormed off after being an idiot about the rules for the first challenge, and Liam is useless.

Banishment time. The two lads up for elimination are Kai and Tian. Interesting. I wonder if Liam wasn't considered because they wanted to keep him around because he just got here. Kai says he can do this, and they should think logically and keep him because Tian is huge and Kai himself is dopey and a fuckup. Interesting. Tian starts talking, and Doctore interrupts him and says he needs to wake up, and then tells Tian he's going to have Natalie talk instead. What? Why? Why this arbitrary bullshit? Listen I know this show is terrible, but why not force Modina to talk about Kai, after their stupid fight yesterday? Why this twist for only one? It makes me think they decided Kai and Modina were going, so fuck it, let's blatantly favor Tian and Natalie. You know I know from producer manipulation. Natalie basically says they have more to give.

There is some discussion of who they can beat, but in the end only Glenn votes for Kai. And Summer is nowhere near him. Wait are you allowed to vote differently from your boyfriend? I didn't think you could. Also you can see one other couple stand behind Kai, only to see which way the wind was blowing and change their vote last minute to go with everyone else. I think it's Tom and Rhiannon. Kai doesn't want to say anything. Doctore spits at him that usually he has a lot to say, but now it's time to get lost. Natalie starts crying which is random. OK so Summer is on one side of Tian, clutching his arm, as Natalie is on the other and getting upset. What is happening? Why is Summer separate from her boyfriend and hanging on Tian? Kai and Modina leave and Kai's banner is lit on fire. As they walk away Kai is bitching that he would totally have beaten Brandon if he had known the rules. Yeah but you didn't, and there were only two rules, so you're an idiot. In an interview Kai says he feels great, and Modina just looks at the camera and repeats “He feels great.” in a flat monotone. Kai says he's sorry, but Modina is pissed off enough to say she's not going to moan at him but.... Kai knows he fucked up. Modina interviews that Kai let her down, but she still loves him. Kai is now snapping that you lost and you can't cry about it, while Modina snaps back that it's fresh, so she's allowed to cry about it. Just lovely people.

Next week: massages and girl fights. More battling with the Q-Tips. Some drama. I am sure complete nonsense.