Project Runway 8/6/15--"Mad Dash Mayhem" summary

Previously on Project Runway: You guys, one of the producers of this show said this season was “fucking nuts” but also that somehow it was “fun”. Does that sound like fun to you? Because no. However we seem to already be at 16 people so I wonder if they’re doing that thing where they bring some people and eliminate them in the first 15 minutes. Maybe? Then we can get down to a reasonable number? Who am I kidding, they would never do anything reasonable. (click for more)

Also I know “Project Runway Junior” is coming but it’s all I can do to watch and talk about All-Stars. These people on regular Project Runway are all grown adults (technically) and know what they are getting into. I have zero interest in watching teenagers deal with the producer manipulation and total bullshit this show forces on the contestants.

“Road to the Runway” is about as expected. I mean Mondo just praised someone for her “craft store influence”. Craft store?! Terrible. Tim thinks there is so much talent out there! Whatever, Tim, I noticed how you railed on the judges so badly they cancelled your blog but once you were a producer you clutched your pearls at the suggestion the producers manipulate everything. Also someone who has an interview segment about how fantastic it is to make small people feel like shit. Not that I have never done that or reveled in it, but shouldn’t your interview time be about how bad you want to be on the show? Or is that naïve? Probably naïve. Also never let someone in who, when asked if he can make a jacket in 8 hours, says “probably…I’d do my best.” Or people who have auditioned for EVERY. SEASON. It says to me you got tired of hearing from them. One of the girls from Season 9 who showed up to New York and then was kicked out that first episode is here. OK, that’s over.

Oh look, there’s gonna be drama and tears this season! GREAT. Tim gets really agitated and yells at people? That’s not the best sign.

They didn’t make anyone drag their crap through the streets this time. Ashley is a big girl and designs for herself. Ashley, I am pulling for you or at least hoping you wear some cute stuff and I can buy it. Eventually the designers end up at Madison Square Garden. Heidi and Tim are there on the floor to welcome them and tell them they have to run up into the stands to grab fabric for the first challenge. Seen it. You can only take four textiles, and one day, to make the usual “show us who you are” first outfit. No one bites it but there are several shots of designers fighting over things. Lindsay tells us that not only is this the first time you can impress the judges, but also this is when the other designers can see you and decide if they’re going to respect you or not. Oh, Lindsay…it’s cute how you think your talent controls the respect others give you on this dumb show.

Workroom time. Merline tells Swapnil that he’s from India so he can just close his eyes and “make this happen”. What? Shh. I think Swapnil is happy to be somewhere where he doesn’t have rules about how much skin he can show. Tim appears because there is YET ANOTHER accessory wall. Just Fab. Why does the accessory wall keep changing? Is it because the producers get bored? Or do the companies refused to be associated with this shitshow for more than a season at a time? Also they have a “Brother garment printer” whatever that is. So they asked everyone to bring their tool kit with scissors and whatever. Most people have what looks like a plastic tackle box. HOWEVER. David, Swapnil, and Merline have shown up empty-handed. Are you fucking kidding me? You’re telling me these people are trying to win money and fame on this show and they were told to bring tools, and they just said “fuck it” and came without? Seriously? Either you are casting complete idiots, or you thought it would be good drama to make someone beg for tools and those three got the shaft. I don’t buy this for one hot second. Merline claims she brought too much luggage and assumed they’d have a kit for her, so she gave up the thing that allows her to do work. Swapnil claims to have misunderstood what to bring. David’s excuse is not shown. Lindsey scoffs that they should all be eliminated. Yeah I tend to agree.

Oh and then everyone gets lent stuff so no one is trying to measure with hands or anything. Boring. Edmond fails to hide his envy at how Joseph got cast on his first try. Candice humblebrags that everyone is measuring her, I guess because she’s tall and skinny. Hanmiao responds “Never work on me ‘cause I’m midget.” Hee. She then says she’s made in China and she calls herself “pistachio” because in Chinese that’s “happy nut”. I like her. Hopefully she lasts some. Blake says he designs for socialites and important people who can afford him. SIGH. Marline is singing and making a ton of noise. And then she makes a Bollywood comment about Swapnil! Girl calm down. She is annoying. OMG DO NOT LITERALLY SAY THE WORD HASHTAG. At one point she says “this shit just got real” and Laurie bites back “It’s BEEN real, honey, OK?” Nice. Also we’re seeing what T.Lo. described as “the “Every Gay Male Contestant is a Huge Bitch” season”.

In the grand tradition of “Top Chef”, there is a commercial interlude where Heidi and Tim attempt to play basketball and fail miserably as expected. Eventually they both score, probably after hours and editing.

Duncan is from New Zealand and has never done women’s clothing before. So that should go well. Time for people to cry about how they don’t want to go home and so forth. Everyone is nice to Ashley.

Tim Time! Duncan gets a nod and praise for what is essentially bright Barbie pink wrapped on the dress form. Ashley doesn’t know if she should put her print on top or bottom, but she’s currently wearing a print skirt and plain top and Tim likes that. Lindsey interviews that Tim likes everyone’s work, just as he gets to her and tells her he can get her outfit at the mall right now. Oops. Laurie cuts her panels horizontally all the time for some reason, instead of having long vertical panels. Tim asks why in disgust. Blake has draped a skirt with a giant pocket in the front for some reason. Candice gets praise, Gabrielle (who?) needs to streamline, Joseph must avoid “mumsy”. Edmond claims his client doesn’t follow trends, but Tim tells him the dress is boring and poorly made. Ouch. “It’s the antithesis of joy”. OK is it really that bad? Probably not. Marline says “muslim” instead of “muslin” and that is strike 3 for racist statements, girl. She also seems to have absolutely no idea what she is doing. Kelly took a fabric with a plaid kind of a pattern and then didn’t bother to match up the lines. Swapnil doesn’t like to make clothes in a rush and Tim can barely hide his contempt as it seems like he believes Swapnil didn’t believe he’d be making clothes in a rush. Jake has messy pleats. Amanda is forcing something. Hanmiao’s outfit is drooping. Tim basically tells her to finish the outfit well because that’s all that will save her. Hanmiao interviews that it takes time to consider others’ opinions so she…doesn’t. Tim tells the room they all have coal up their asses and they either need to take it out or make a diamond. Hee.

Kelly borrows some new fabric from Lindsay and makes the same dress but in a fabric that won’t look terrible if it doesn’t line up. Model fitting. Blake hates his dress but hopes the judges will see his potential. Ashley is making her top out of a white fabric with circles cut out, so now she needs a bra or something.

Everyone goes to the apartments where the girls get shafted with terrible ruffled bedspreads. Terrible.

Runway day. Tim claims to be encouraged. No mention of time limits. Oh, sorry. Two hours. ATTENTION EVERYONE Scott is gone. I repeat: Hot Makeup Guy Scott has been replaced by Luis. I hate you, show. Duncan appears to be Michael Costello version 2.0. Long draped dress with probably no stitches anywhere and people love it.

Guest judge is Hannah Davis who is a model and apparently this qualifies her to host “Project Runway: Junior”. Tim Gunn Save still in effect. Blake: long gown in a brightly colored patchwork print, with the front split down to the waist and no back. The back part of the skirt looks like a fishtail hem but the front is still gathered strangely like giant pockets. The skirt is lined in bright yellow and the front of the skirt hits just above her ankles which is kind of weird. Amanda: turquoise skirt with a handkerchief hem and a sleeveless top in a reddish kind of scaly print with a wraparound sash. It’s cute and wearable. Laurie: tight dress in a dark red, with an off-the-shoulder collar that only goes around one arm. You know those shawl-type collars that are thick but are meant to be worn around the upper arms? Like that only on one side. The same side, the skirt is slit all the way to her hip, and then it’s an asymmetric skirt so I feel like she’s about to flash everyone. The front of that skirt is really close to her crotch. Hanmiao: very boxy knee-length dress in dark yellow, with some yellow and purple plaid at the shoulders. The neck is pretty high, so even though there are no sleeves it’s very modest. Over that a long vest with the reverse fabrics, yellow on top and plaid on the bottom. It’s all very boxy and loose.

Swapnil: tight bodice in a blue and black print, with crisscross straps at the shoulders. Then a short full blue skirt. It’s not terribly interesting but it seems fine. I think the back has a big bow. Duncan: Barbie pink long gown that is draped well I guess. But then his model has a tight ballerina bun and she’s a redhead so maybe this pink is not the best for her. It feels like every Michael Costello caftan ever. Edmond: short black strapless dress, tight, with a miniskirt, and then a train lined in chartreuse. Like he made a big rectangle of black on one side and chartreuse on the other and sewed it right above her butt. Sadly it’s more interesting than some of these other outfits. Merline: orange heavy fabric (is it raw silk? I’m not sure) in a sleeveless top and knee-length straight skirt. The top is just below her waist in front, then the hem curves up above her waist on either side, and in the back the top is longer than the skirt and is basically coattails. Also when they show a closeup it looks really overworked, like there are too many seams or she made the seams too thick or something.

Lindsay: short dress with a box pleat in front and a tank top. That’s it. It’s not even a good print. It looks like a romper, and then she thinks it’s safe so she’s safe so I guess we know who goes home today. David: long dress, loose, with long sleeves and a high boatneck. It’s made out of two fabrics, with the seam running from one shoulder to the opposite hip. One fabric is a blue with white accents and one is brown with blue. It’s sort of interesting but mostly because of the fabrics. Whatever, it’s slim pickings today. Joseph: crop top in a pastel print and a lavender pencil skirt. He says it’s great because of the intricate seaming in the skirt but they don’t show the skirt so we can’t see it. Good job, show. Kelly: major titscrepancy with the top, with three straps (one that goes from one boob to the opposite shoulder). The cups themselves are cut differently and it doesn’t look right. Then the top has a peplum, and then the skirt is a full handkerchief hem but it’s short so below her waist is just tiers and volume. And the print is a mustardy yellow and is not pretty. She thinks she’s safe too.

Jake: strapless dress with a knee-length skirt, in a really shiny striped fabric. It’s stiff so the skirt stands out from her body a little bit, but thankfully not enough to be ridiculous. I think the fabric is the most interesting part, even though I don’t like it. Gabrielle: knee-length gray dress with a sleeveless mock turtleneck top. The parts at her shoulders are cut strangely, like she didn’t just make a top and then not sew sleeves on, but tried to have cutouts but it didn’t turn out. The waist is horrible, not fitted well at all, and then right at the knee the skirt gets full. Like a mermaid skirt but not floor-length. And then no back. Bad. Candice: one shouldered sheath dress in a white pinstripe. There are thin black strips outlining panels on the top, and then swatches of black fabric sewn to her hips for some reason. Or maybe it’s a peplum that is only in the back. Ashley: crop top in a white eyelet fabric (where the eyelets are big) and a long skirt with big box pleats in a yellow and black print. The top has no back, but the front of it is a high crew neck and with how high the skirt is she’s not really showing any stomach.

Ashley, Hanmiao, Edmond, Blake, Duncan, and Merline get called out for judging. Sadly I was wrong about Lindsay and Kelly. Nina raves about Edmond’s dress, but Zac is right when he says it’s not revolutionary but at least it’s well-made. Yeah it’s not that great, Nina. Blake’s patchwork dress has a bubble hem? Or at least it’s gathered so when he’s futzing with it you can see the front of it. He also thinks he’s always a high score. Oh, I’m going to hate you later. The dress is a clown dress but it’s not theatrical enough to be on purpose, plus all the seams are jacked. Blake smirks that it’s hand-sewn and that’s why. Stop smirking, Blake. It’s too much. Hanmiao wanted a color block look, but no one likes how boxy it is. Some people make boxy clothes, guys. Nina wisely says she gets her aesthetic, but the fabric is the wrong fabric. I can see that. Merline wants to grab attention. Well you did that. They love it though because the universe hates me. Heidi claims they like different around here. Pff. Ashley made pockets for her skirt which is nice. Nina says she’s the only one to use texture and it’s fabulous. I really do like her look too. Duncan is like “oh I’ve never draped before but this is what I wanted”. There is too much fabric. Listen I think in general the judges are overly concerned with showing skin, but yeah, if this was in a jersey like Zac says maybe it wouldn’t be so overwhelmingly shiny pink. They let Duncan dig himself deeper by talking about how he just graduated from school and is finding his voice, so they can yell at him. Heidi claims to be frightened he stands behind his look, even though I feel like they get pissed when someone hates what they’ve made.

Lindsey loses her shit when Duncan says he was in the bottom. Girl why is that such a concern for you? Duncan’s hem is jacked up and Nina is offended he’s not confident enough. Didn’t you guys just yell at him for standing behind his design? Blake’s dress is a hot mess. Nina would rather have too many ideas than no ideas. Hanmiao’s vest has a weird lining or something. They can’t say enough about Merline and someone says it’s good for one day which is bullshit. Everyone had one day. There have been plenty of times where someone did a shit job and said “well it was only one day” and you reamed them out. Ashley gets more praise. Nina won’t shut up about Edmond’s dress but no one else seems to be buying it.

Edmond is in. Ashley is the winner! And she has immunity. Merline is in. Blake is in. Hanmiao is in. Phew. So Duncan and his draped pink thing are out. Tim claims to have not expected this. Sure Tim. Maybe Duncan will leave his tools for someone.

Next time: unconventional materials challenge at the Hallmark store.