Previously on “Top Chef”: musical chairs
Quickfire. Brian won immunity with that. Then was a weird challenge to make a
“cohesive” potluck, which is A MEAL. It was a meal served family-style. Come
on, show. Anyway, even though Nick was ill for the Quickfire he got better.
Stephanie won with fried artichokes. Patty made a lame salad and was sent home.
It wasn’t the most exciting episode, apparently, because that’s about all I can
come up with. (click for more)
On Last Chance Kitchen Patty and Janine had to
prep onions and then do all their prep before cooking anything. Both dishes had
big problems but Janine ended up winning.
Common consensus in the Stew Room is that Patty
is a new chef and so of course she didn’t do that well, and that Sara is upset
that she’s only done well once and it really bothers her. Not that everyone
thinks Patty sucks or anything, just that she’s so new to being a chef there
was no way she was going to do that well. Back home Stephanie slurs about winning.
I mean…she’s not sober. She says she hopes she wins more. That was profound.
The Quickfire greets everyone with Dr. John.
Brian says he “recently dropped bombs with the Black Keys”. Hee. Nick says
“Lookin’ good” but Nick looks terrible in confessional so I’m not sure if he’s
being sarcastic or he’s tired or what. No dishes today. Today everyone has to
make hot sauce. Awesome. Dr. John says “I know y’all are gonna do a hip maneuver.”
They subtitle him. Nina freaks out. Dr. John continues to talk about “hip tang”
and “tangosity”. Winner gets immunity.
45 minutes. At least most people put gloves on to
work with the chilies. Stephanie has never made hot sauce before. It sounds
like everyone is trying to put flavors in their hot sauce and not just make it
stupid hot. Justin imitates Dr. John in confessional which is hilarious. Nick
got an ulcer in his 20’s so he has no idea about hot sauce. They make everyone
bottle it which is only sort of amusing. Eh.
Brian: jalapeno and Serrano, with lime and yuzu.
Padma has a plate of saltines, and Dr. John has…a whole plate of food that I
can’t immediately identify. Everyone says “hip tang” a bunch and Padma tries to
translate for Dr. John. Shirley: habanero, Serrano, ginger, and pineapple.
Connie: Trinidadian pepper sauce with habaneros and green mango. Nick: sweet
and sour, with smoked apricots, vinegar, and coffee. Louis: Fresno chilies,
distilled vinegar, maple syrup, and chili powder. I thought Fresno chilies
weren’t that spicy? Stephanie: peach vinegar and habaneros. Carlos: Yucatan-style
with mango, passion fruit, and habaneros. Nina: Caribbean, with habaneros,
ginger, and apple cider vinegar. Justin: fermented anchovies. There are peppers
too but he doesn’t say what kind.
Nick’s sauce was sweet and sour but not really a
hot sauce. Carrie’s was too hot. “Trinidad-ily over-the-edge hot.” Nina’s was
also way too hot. Brian did a really good job. “Verily hip”. Justin’s anchovies
were very interesting. Carlos knew what he was doing. The winner is Brian. Two
Quickfires in a row.
Elimination challenge. “It’s time to pig out.” Ha
ha. Some guys wheel in a whole pig. Not like, a suckling pig. An adult pig. The
two guys are Toby Rodriguez and Donald Link. Donald is the guest judge this
week. The theme is “boucherie”, which is the Cajun term for “nose-to-tail”,
where you use all of the animal. Everyone will butcher the hog as a team, which
is 300 pounds. Teamwork is key. Then tomorrow they’ll have 5 hours to cook for over
250 people. Everyone has to do one dish, and together they have to use the
whole hog. Justin claims he is familiar with this because he butchers a couple
of hogs a year.
A lot of them have butchered hogs before. Not
like that one idiot that season. Is that a thing now? Learning butchering? Sara
is standing behind everyone being bossy. Nick and Nina split the head between
the two of them. Justin knows he’s the local guy, but he wants to do Mexican
today. He thinks he is being unique but Carlos tells people he’s going to make
tacos. Louis is making popcorn for some reason. Shirley runs around and I think
shoves by Travis. He makes a vaguely threatening comment, but he’s not
threatening. Travis is making ramen but not his own noodles.
Dinner is courtesy of Toby and Donald, which is
cool. There is so much food! Shirley says it reminds her of Chinese New Year at
home. Carlos claims people travel for hours for his mom’s posole verde. I guess
today is about people’s family recipes. Justin and Carlos are having a taco
throwdown. Nina tries to fake them out that she’s also doing tacos which is
funny.
Nick is up first, I guess, and claims he’s
awesome because he has babies. Some people are just morning people, you know.
Everyone arrives outside, where there are some random kitchens and giant
propane burners with pots and charcoal pits. No real kitchen for you today!
Justin gets pissy about the grill, because he’s claimed the one wood grill or
whatever. So he built a fire, but then after an hour when he’s finally done,
everyone just jumps to put their stuff on it. They play the music they always
play when drama happens. Justin claims he needs the whole grill for the whole
time so everyone needs to move all their stuff. Nina says he’s such a bitch and
claims he’s crazy looking. Someone finds an alligator in the bushes. Stephanie
says these challenges are making her creative. Louis says he wasn’t going to
make friends but now he’s made more friends here than in his whole life. He’s
so doomed.
Tom time! People seem to be in good shape.
Shirley and Travis have Asian flavors, and Nina has less spicy flavors. She’s
out of her comfort zone. Tom thinks either someone will totally screw the pooch
and it’ll be easy to eliminate them, or everyone will do well and it’ll be the
hardest elimination yet.
Justin’s precious fire that he chased everyone
away from has gone insane. He’s about to burn the roof down. Now everything is
overcooked. How did he screw that up? Brian is using the “oven”, which is just
a box with charcoal on top. His pork looks a little burnt. But he has immunity,
so he’s not super worried. Nina’s dish is flat, and she maybe has three minutes,
so she puts cayenne pepper in.
Hugh! Everyone beers up and gets in line. Tom
tries to cut in line and is denied. Hee. Brian: porchetta with oyster
mushrooms. Sara: pork dim sum with crab and shrimp hau gow. Both of these seem
OK. Justin: wood-roasted pork breast taco with pork liver salsa verde. Padma
makes a face. It’s dry. Carlos: posole verde with fried chorizo taquitos. Yum.
Delicious. Shirley: jiazoi dumplings with pork, grilled kidney, and crispy pork
fat salad. Points for cracklings. Louis: slow-grilled pork leg with spring onions,
shitake mushrooms, melted corn, and popcorn. The corn is weird. Tom talks to a
little kid while Hugh gives the kid a fist-bump. Stephanie: pork brodo with
braised pork belly and summer vegetable pickle. She has no idea what is going
to happen with it. Brodo is broth. Good except the pork belly. Travis:
Cajun-style pork ramen with pork bone broth and collard greens. Hugh and Tom
kind of roll their eyes at store-bought noodles. Hugh has spilled food on himself.
Carrie: crispy trotters with snap peas and pickled onions. Nick: tete de cochon
with summer beans, lemongrass, vinaigrette, and wheatberries. Heavy. Nina:
braised pig’s head ragu, roasted corn and mustard greens. Spicy.
Commercial interlude: Stephanie is like Richard
Blais with the constantly complaining about her food sucks and probably it will
be awesome.
Tom claims that overall this was the most
enjoyable food in all 11 seasons. Sure. Shirley, Nina, Brian, and Carlos get
praise. Justin’s pork was dry. He claims it was all ribs and fat. Louis’s corn
was weird. Travis has flaws. They’ll probably nail him for not making noodles.
Stephanie’s seems to have been sort of OK at best. She’s like “I told you no
one would like mine.”
Justin is still bitching about his pork, even
though when he practically set the place on fire he admitted it was getting
overcooked. Padma collects Nina, Shirley, and Carlos. There is a side
conversation between Carrie and Louis where Louis is convinced he’s going home.
I only mention it because of how the editing was earlier.
The top three arrive. Shirley gushes about
helping her grandmother cook and how great it was. The dumplings were delicious
and the salad could have stood alone. Carlos’s posole was delicious and Tom
wants the recipe. Nina’s dish was not traditional at all but it held its own
with the family recipes. The winner (by a slim margin) is Carlos. He’s thrilled
to have won.
Loser Gong for Justin, Louis, and Stephanie.
Justin gets defensive from the beginning, but we all know his pork was dry. Tom
reiterates that none of the dishes were horrible. But the pork was dry.
Stephanie cooked her pork belly like, six times. But all the flavor ended up in
the broth. Tom knew it wasn’t finished, which is what Stephanie had said
before. No one liked Louis’s popcorn. Or the “melted corn”, which had a thick
skin and looked gross.
The bottom three just didn’t have a lot of
passion. Stephanie overthought and it didn’t work at all. Justin’s pork was dry
and it ruined everything. Louis had too many things going on, but his pork was
delicious, at least.
Justin was inconsistent, Stephanie missed the
mark, Louis put too much other crap in his dish. Padma sends Louis home. I told
you. He thinks other people screwed up worse than he did. Louis doesn’t think he
got to lay down his viewpoint like he wanted. Ready for a comeback.
Next week: maybe in two weeks!? Restaurant Wars!
Justin gets pissy, Sara fake smiles, people are in the weeds as usual. It’s not
on my DVR for next Wednesday so maybe we get a week off for the holiday.
Last Chance Kitchen: Louis is planning to use his
anger to win. Louis didn’t want to see Janine (she’s surprised to see him too)
but he’s ready. $25 dollars to shop at the farmer’s market, and then make
whatever you want. They get in the product-placement car to use the product
placement features. Stephanie declares the car too sexy to be a man. Yes. Louis
is in his zone. When they get back, Tom grins and laughs at them basically, and
then says since Louis can’t edit they have to pick out three of the things they
just bought and only use those three. I know Tom loves doing this. Also only 20
minutes instead of 30. Louis has tomato, fennel, and shrimp. Tom takes his
stuff and throws the watermelon at the peanut gallery. Janine has catfish,
potatoes, and asparagus. Michael babbles about how Louis is a cheetah and not a
gazelle. Tom brags to the peanut gallery he wrote a whole chapter in his book
about using three ingredients. Louis: olive oil poached prawns with tomato and
fennel bisque. Janine: catfish with potato, asparagus, and saffron sauce. Tom
says you have to dig deep into the ingredients. Louis’s sauce was gritty but
overall the dish was delicious. Janine didn’t dig that deeply into her potatoes
and asparagus. And it’s Louis with the upset! Janine is pissed. Aww. Louis says
he’s ready to get back in the game.
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