Top Chef 3/4/09--Reunion summary

Woo, reunion time. (click for more)

Great. Toby gets to hang out. Patrick has a T-shirt that says “I *heart* foie.” Heh. Andy Cohen (God I hate him) tries to make people say they’ll be fan favorite but instead it becomes Stefan saying it might be possible he’s fan favorite. Then Tom says, um. No. Stefan pretends he wouldn’t have shown up if he didn’t think he had a chance. Everyone claps for Hosea the winner. The only person who claims to have been surprised at Hosea’s win is Leah. He shares that she told him, I like you, but I don’t think you can beat Stefan. That’s what most people thought, I’m pretty sure. Hosea montage, which means he didn’t win fan favorite. I remember that a lot of Hosea’s food looked really good. Other contestants say nice things about him, even Stefan. Hosea doesn’t have any plans that he will admit to. He says he has ventures, but won’t say what they are. Tom says some nonsense about how hard it was and how Stefan and Carla just had off days. Toby pretends that he is OK with Hosea winning, which he’s not, because his blog says so. Stefan then claims that he’s glad he didn’t win. Everyone expresses disbelief, but no one makes him explain. This is why Andy Cohen sucks.

Question for Team Euro: What’s the deal with Stefan and Fabio? Why is everything a bromance with Andy? Jeez. Montage of Fabio and Stefan hanging out together and bugging each other, and a lot of Fabio kissing Stefan’s bald head. Eugene wonders if they sleep together. Fabio gives him a shoulder rub and Stefan warns him that his wife won’t be very happy. Then they argue like an old married couple. Back in the studio Fabio insists he likes women so Patrick invites him to join Team Rainbow anytime. (Kmanpat: “Yes please!”) Fabio is flattered but “it’s a European thing, we’re very touchy, very passionate”. Toby asks if they hold hands when they hang out, and Fabio says no, he uses a leash. Hee. We talk about how Fabio broke his finger, which we already know about. Andy gives Stefan this season’s T-shirt: it says “I *heart*” and then a picture of Fabio. That’s it? That’s the best you could come up with? With all of the things Fabio said? Don’t tell me none of what he said was appropriate, when last year’s T-shirt said “boner”. That sucks.

Now we move to Carla and her montage. Wait, Carla’s montage is now? She didn’t win fan favorite? What happened, America? Now she’s singing. She’s got a pretty good voice, but I think people are tired of her. She says hootie a lot. Now when she says hootie to find her husband there are too many people saying hootie to her. She says also that she felt that she was winning when she started to produce good food.

Did you know there’s a birthday curse? Daniel, Eugene, Radhika, and Leah all were eliminated on their birthdays. The best part is that by the time Leah is eliminated they all know it’s happening and she’s like, oh, it’s just a coincidence. After the montage Andy asks who was eliminated on their birthday. Which we just saw. Pay attention to your own show, JESUS. Lots of people think Daniel might win fan favorite.

Commercial interlude: montage of Jeff’s super complicated dishes. That was exciting.

Now we have a question from a view who asks if culinary students are trained in the Heimlich maneuver. Because Tom saved someone at a party. Why shouldn’t everyone know the Heimlich? Why should culinary students get extra training? Aren’t chefs back in the kitchen and away from the diners? Tom agrees with me. He says he couldn’t let the host of the party die. Andy asks Gail if Toby is the Simon Cowell of “Top Chef”. No, Simon is funnier and I am pretty sure he doesn’t practice his sound bites at home before he shows up to work. Gail tries to claim the editing made him look worse than he actually is. Of course Gail thinks he’s OK because he’s not judging her. Montage of Judges’ Table critiques, from everyone and not just Toby. And various contestants talking about how hard it is to be judged. At the end Padma apologizes. Aww, she feels bad about being so mean, and she’s the nicest one! Stefan talks about how nerve-wracking it can be, even if you know you’ve done well. Tom likens it to a restaurant review. Some viewer asks if simple food is the way to win. No, good food. That was productive. Someone else asks about cooking with apples, and how that is easy. Heh. Lauren I think is ashamed but she knows they won’t talk to her for very long. You don’t know who I’m talking about, do you. That’s why they‘re not going to talk to her for very long.

Now is the time for Hosea and Leah. Montage of flirting. Fabio and Carla don’t think it’s serious. Leah doesn’t think anything will happen. She at least is ashamed when they show the clip of them making out. Hosea has no trouble watching it though. When they show Leah crying in confessional and talking about how she has a boyfriend and she doesn’t want to screw that up, at the reunion she starts cursing and asking if they have to show that. Do you not watch reality shows? Of course they do. Hosea says they were drinking but he blames himself. They were trying to hide out. Fabio says that at least he got Leah, because he got Stefan. Hosea’s game was thrown for the rest of the time in New York. When asked if anyone else was offended, Stefan says he doesn’t care what they do, because everyone has screwed around, so whatever. Hosea also thinks that they couldn’t have been the first pair to do anything on the show, just the first to get caught. Andy is shocked, probably because he’s sad he missed it. He wants names, which is dumb, and I agree with Hosea but whatever. Someone says “OK you found out about Tom and I” and Tom’s like, you promised not to tell! I’m not sure who it was but it was for sure a guy.

Back from commercial we’re still on the Hosea and Leah thing. Hosea says he got home from New York, told his girlfriend, and they broke up. Leah “aww”s as if she didn’t already know that, which I’m sure she did. Leah and her boyfriend managed to date for a little bit before they broke up. Hosea then pretends that he and Leah weren’t just caught at a bar totally making out and says they’re just friends. Because they don’t live in the same city. WHATEVER we all know you’re dating so just say so.

Moving on finally. Montage of the Stew Room hijinks. Making beds out of the Ziploc bags, a volleyball court, basketball with containers taped to the wall. I’m so glad all that product placement crap gets used. Leah and Jamie get drunk on beer and start dancing like fools and then go out for judging totally trashed. I guess there was a lot of footage of them laughing at everything and ruining the judges’ table. Tom cracks that this is why they cut you off after the fourth quarter starts, and Leah says “Oh snap! You did not just say that Tom!” Hee. Padma says, “Two words. National. Television.” For reals. Jamie claims they knew they were safe and they needed to unwind. Tom is surprised that didn’t happen sooner. That’s very true. 5 seasons, with alcohol in the Stew Room, and this is the first time anyone was trashed when they went for judging?

Viewer question: who was the biggest crier? Crying montage. Ariane is the biggest crier. That was fun. Someone asks where Stefan’s cockiness comes from. (Kmanpat: “Sweden.“) He says you have to wake up in the morning and know you’re the best. Stefan montage. Which starts with his harassment of Jamie, which is still gross. Actually it’s not a “Stefan is cocky” montage so much as it is a “Stefan loves the ladies” montage. He claims that he likes Jamie’s cooking. Yeah. And her rack. She says she’d need a whole bottle of tequila to sleep with him and she might die first.

Viewer question: why aren’t there any nicknames this season? I didn’t know that was such a big thing. Anyways, here’s a list from the montage: Pocket Chef (Patrick); Big Gay Rich; Don Sorbet Johnson (Jeff, because of his sorbets); OT (Hosea, because his name is from the Old Testament); Gummy Bear (Daniel); Ho Fo Sho (Leah, ha); Hott Dawg (Radhika); Da Brain (Jamie); Fraggle Rock (I can’t see who it is; they had made a list on the chalkboard in the Stew Room); Cougar (Ariane, and she loves it). You mean I could have been calling Jeff “Don Sorbet Johnson” all season instead of “Dildo Beach Club”? Stefan came up with most of these. Also Leah’s was changed to “Ho Fo Sho” from “Black Widow” which is good because “Black Widow” is one of my nicknames and she can’t have it. They bug Ariane about being a cougar for a while and then produce another T-shirt which says “I’m a Cougar in the Kitchen”. Lame. Where is the monkey ass in clam shell?

Gail talks about her wedding for a while and how her food was awesome. There’s a gorgeous picture of her and her husband from their wedding.

Radhika says she never made “traditional” Indian food, just Indian-influenced food. Viewer question: Jamie, you were in the top a lot but you whined about it all the time, what’s the deal? Yes, Jamie, what IS the deal? Montage of Jamie being bitter about not winning. Actually, she complains about a lot of things. Jamie says she’s a perfectionist and she didn’t think that’s how she was. Andy then attacks Jeff and says that in People magazine he said Tom’s food was boring. Jeff insists he was misquoted. The look on Tom’s face says, “Whatever, we both know you said it.” Jeff also said the show used him as a sex symbol, and I do remember that comment. Because they showed him half naked all the time. (Kmanpat: “I’m not complaining.”) Some viewer lusts after Tom. Montage of all the bald men. OK, Patrick is not bald, he has really short hair. As does Eugene. For some reason Andy thought it would be funny to Photoshop hair onto various contestants. I think the funniest one is Hosea, since they put Marcel’s hair on him. Either that or Patrick with Christian Siriano’s hair. Now we have to talk about how Richard had a crush on Tom. Or still does. He works at a bar called “Pecs”. Kick ass. Tom is very embarrassed.

Time for Fan Favorite. Some people were campaigning on Facebook. Richard claims the bear community is supporting him, and Padma makes a comment about bears and how they made Tom what he is today. Ha! The fan favorite is…Fabio. So finally we get the Fabio montage with all the quotes they SHOULD have put on the T-shirts. This includes porn music as they show him in a suit for Restaurant Wars. OK…he did look hot in that suit. Toby says, OK, Stefan, are you glad you didn’t win fan favorite? Heh. Fabio’s going to remodel his restaurant so he’ll use the money for that. His mom is hanging in there. Oh good. Hosea’s dad is a little bit worse. We end on that note.

Thanks everyone for reading all season! I’ll be back when/if they start “Project Runway” and for the next season of this show, which I’m sure they’ll have set up soon.