Top Chef:Just Desserts 9/15/10--"Mr. Chocolate"

Can I just say that if I knew nothing about this show, if I never watched “Top Chef” and I wasn’t particularly interested in food shows in general, I would have never watched this show. The commercials are horribly annoying and none of the contestants seem like people who I want to watch on a regular basis. Keep reading, though, it gets better.(click for more)

Collection of clips about how pastry chefs aren’t all candy and rainbows. I guess. It’s like they found all the drama and put it all together for us. Our judges are Gail Simmons (yay Gail!), Johnny Iuzzini (who is an actual pastry chef with many awards), Hubert Keller, and Dannielle Kyrillos (Editor-at-large of DailyCandy). DailyCandy seems to be a website like Yelp! It’s got reviews of food, fashion, etc. but only for big cities. Winner gets the same things as “Top Chef”, pretty much: feature in Food and Wine magazine, showcase at a Food and Wine event, a Buick, and $100,000 from Godiva.

Los Angeles. Seth Caro, 34, New York. He’s cute. He was the original pastry chef at Top Chef season 1’s winner Harold’s restaurant. Yay Harold! He says he is a prima donna. Tania Peterson, 39, Boston. She labels herself as a “Jewish atheist artist”. Heather Hurlbert, 40, Atlanta. Erika Davis, 40, Jacksonville Beach, Florida. Those two show up together but don’t get interviews. A double decker bus shows up to get the four of them. Heather thinks some may find her intimidating. And there is more than one Heather, naturally. The bus drives…somewhere else…to pick up more people. Zac Young, 27, New York. He is pretty flamey. He claims he will cut you with his flavor. Uh huh. Train station. Tim Nugent, 41, Oakland, California. Well that explains why he took the train. He says his gelato and ice creams are very good and he is referred to as “The Snow Queen”. “Because my food is frozen? And I’m gay. *giggle*” Heather Chittum, 37, DC. Someone else shows up that knows someone already on the bus. I guess the bus is just sitting at the train station? Morgan Wilson, 37, Dallas. On the website his picture looks like Jon Hamm but onscreen he does not look like Jon Hamm. He thinks a pastry chef can cook savory foods.

Everyone sits around on the bus until Gail and Johnny show up. Seth has a crush on her. Malika Ameen, 35, Chicago, is in awe of Johnny. Time for the Quickfire! Make your signature dessert. Winner gets immunity. They have $50 and 30 minutes to shop, and 90 minutes to bake. This seems like an extensive Quickfire. “Top Chef” never lets them shop for the Quickfire.
Shopping commences. Yigit Pura, 29, San Francisco. He says he used to work for Daniel Boulud. He thinks a pastry chef has to be OCD. Eric Wolitzky, 38, Manhattan. He says he works in a bakery but calls himself a pastry chef, and people may have a problem with that. He wants to make mud pies. Erika is nervous because they don’t have recipes and you need to be exact. Malika says she is a “pastry chef consultant” and also she’s getting a divorce. She and her ex just closed their restaurant, and she wants to win for her kids.

The Top Chef kitchen has shiny equipment, such as anti-griddles and liquid nitrogen. Tania is making “my serious chocolate cake”. She says she’s been trying to get pregnant. Seth curses. He’s freaking out as the last time he met Johnny he screwed up the food. Zac is distracted by Seth.

Gail and Johnny show up with 75 minutes to go and laugh evilly as they reveal the twist: transform your signature dish into a cupcake. Nice. Everyone freaks out. That’s not a lot of time. The cupcakes have to cool before you can frost them. Malika is just making her meringue into a cupcake shape to hold the filling. Tim was making semifreddo, so he’s still going to do that and just have a shape. Why are these people not following directions? Tania was making a cake, so she feels pretty confident. Seth was making something with basil. Somehow he is making basil butter cream. Malika’s meringues are burned but gooey on the inside because someone turned up the oven. They don’t look like cupcakes anyway. When time is called she has meringues in cups, but nothing else.

Tania: chicory mousse cupcake with mesquite flour and crème fraiche caramel. The chicory mousse is inside. Heather C: carrot cupcake, crème fraiche cream cheese ice cream, and fried carrots on top. It’s in a square. So like…a frosted brownie. Sorry, but cupcakes should be either little round cakes or in an actual cup. Zac: vanilla bean cupcake with lemon curd and blood orange marshmallow. The marshmallow is just a giant marshmallow on top that is slightly toasted. Danielle: chocolate cupcake with mint chip filling and toasted meringue. (Danielle Keene, 29, Pasadena). Eric: devil’s food cake with buttermilk and coffee. And there’s a frosting rose on top. Tim: pistachio semifreddo. Which is in a bowl, and is overflowing said bowl, and has not become anything resembling a cupcake whatsoever. It’s not even frozen. Seth: steamed Malaysian coconut cake with basil butter cream and candied pine nuts. It looks pretty good. Morgan: dark chocolate soufflé cupcake, supreme of tangerine and caramel butter cream. Malika: has nothing.

Obviously Malika is in the bottom. Tim didn’t make a cupcake. And Zac’s marshmallow had a “horrible” texture. Zac knows that the other people in the bottom didn’t even make cupcakes so he didn’t do very well. On top, we have Seth (“herbaceous”), Tania (moist and interesting) (ew), and Heather C (contemporary and unique). The winner is Seth! He can’t believe it. He compares himself to Harold.

For the Elimination challenge, the contestants must use chocolate to create a “luxurious” dessert. This dessert must impress Jacques Torres. Wow. I remember when he had a Food Network show about chocolate, and he would make showpieces and stuff. Gail calls him “Mr. Chocolate” but that is really cheesy. They’ll have 4 hours to cook, and 1 hour to plate tomorrow.

The loft is nice. There is a stupid argument about bed arrangements, in that Seth declares his insomnia to try to sleep alone, only everyone totally knows that’s what he’s doing and rolls their eyes. I’ll sleep with him. What? He’s cute. Plus a bunch of them want it cold. Heather C. appears to have bandages on her forehead. What happened there? The boys are picky. Seth tells people this is his “one bitch move”. So…he’s an angel from here on out, apparently.

In the morning, people get started cooking. Morgan is making fried pies. You guys, down the street from me is a little donut shop that has the best fried pies ever. They only take cash and the ladies behind the counter add up your total bill with pencil and paper but their crust is fantastic. It’s the little hole-in-the-wall shops that always turn out so awesome. Heather H. says you have to have a technical background to have the skills to do things. Yigit thinks he and Heather H. have similar skills. Morgan, in addition to the fried pies, is making milk chocolate flan. Why he is making two things I do not know. Anyway, someone turned on the convection in his oven so the top tray is burnt. Zac has taken over several workspaces. He’s making a brownie sundae because he does not like being on the bottom. (Kmanpat: “Girl, please.”) Yigit says “we’ll see how that goes” with a little adorable grin. Eric is just folding things, slowly.

Johnny time! No, that doesn’t sound right. Sigh. Seth says with a pompadour like that, you must mean business. Hee. Then he describes his palette, pronounced “pal-ET”. Tania seems in good shape. Danielle is making a “free-form” tart. Johnny bails.

Tania’s mousse does not look set. In fact, it looks exactly like hummus, which is not lost on Tania. “Pastry hummus!” All of a sudden people are plating and guests are here and people are eating. I guess that’s how it goes when you are serving in the “Top Chef: Just Desserts Dining Room”. Morgan warns someone about the hot pie. Hubert Keller is not here today. I guess one Frenchman is enough. Jacques is reminding me of William Shatner for some reason. Morgan: chocolate fried pie and milk chocolate bourbon flan. Heather C.: bittersweet chocolate torte with a mini whoopie pie. My computer just tried to autocorrect “whoopie”. The flan has separated. Bad news. Jacques has never had a whoopie pie before, which I find interesting. He would have put something else as filling, but then it wouldn’t be a whoopie pie, then, would it? Eric: spiced brownie with ancho chile, ginger, and cinnamon. Oo, I love chocolate with spices like that. Heather H.: dark chocolate mousse torte with chocolate grand Marnier sauce. Yum. Zac is putting “disco dust” on his plate. Which is glitter. Sparkly glitter. Zac: chocolate fondant “brownie sundae”. It seems to be a brownie with ice cream on top, and a tuille cookie thing, and maybe some other things? The other chefs laugh at it, but the judges are mostly OK with it. Except for the part where Zac blew on the food, I guess to spread the glitter around. Eric’s brownie is not the most decadent possible. Heather H. did a great dessert, and then they hate on Eric because he’s a “baker” and didn’t plate his dessert well enough or whatever.

Tania: flourless chocolate torte with Earl Gray and white chocolate mousse. There is also an orange blossom honey ganache. The mousse is the “pastry hummus” and she owns up to the weird texture. Danielle: chocolate tart with hazelnut brittle and banana. She calls it a “free-form” tart, but it’s a base with mousse on top…I’m not seeing anything “free-form” about it except that it’s a little sloppy. It’s not sticking together? Tania is not impressive. Seth: Madras curry and chocolate palette with raspberry gelee. I do love curry and chocolate together, but there is no palette there and he keeps pronouncing it weird. It looks good though. Yigit: flourless chocolate genoise with custardless ice cream. Jacques says something is wrong with the ice cream. Seth’s dessert is like a pug. In a good way. Tim: chocolate cake with ganache and white chocolate cream. Malika: bittersweet chocolate layer cake with braised cherries and nougatine. Erika: chocolate banana caramel crunch bar. Erika’s crunch is good. Tim’s cake looks delicious and has a good flavor. Malika went for it, and succeeded. Heather H. can see everyone else’s food and is a little worried.

Commercial interlude: Zac talks about his glitter. Danielle is not suitably impressed and is giving him shit. Actually, what she does is something like “I have to go throw up now. Just kidding! It’s good!“ Zac gets his panties in a bunch and decides she can go at any time and calls her a bitch. That was…unwarranted.

Stew Room. Gail collects Seth, Heather H., and Zac. It’s unusual because, as Morgan points out, they don’t know if the losers go first or second. I don’t hear a Loser Gong, so that’s a good sign. Oh, this is the top. Everyone is relieved. Zac starts to cry. Then he says making dessert is like giving birth. Gail dryly asks if he has experience with that. Hee, Gail. Then he KEEPS GOING with this analogy. Shush. The judges love that the components all worked together, except that Jacques tells him not to blow on things. Heather’s dessert was aesthetically pleasing and well balanced. There were little bits of chocolate crunch as a surprise. Seth’s curry worked. I’ve had a chocolate bar with curry and lemongrass before. It was so delicious. That was a $6 candy bar and it was worth every penny. Heather wins!

Seth tells Danielle, Tania, and Morgan they have to face the Loser Gong. And then, to thwart me, there is NO GONG. Danielle doesn’t know why she’s there. Johnny tells her the dessert was too messy because her bottom layer was too thick. She wanted it to sit on the plate nicely. Tania knows her mousse had a poor texture, and there is no excuse. Her timing was off. Gail liked the chocolate layer underneath, but there wasn’t enough to counter the mousse. Morgan thought he did a good job. Johnny couldn’t figure out the “gelee” and thought it had two layers, when in fact it was one flavor that had separated. Morgan claims he didn’t notice the flan had separated when he unmolded them “but I guess I hoped you didn’t”. Not a good plan. He was trying to be refined but it failed. He was afraid he’d be penalized for not doing enough.

Back in the Stew Room Morgan refuses to talk about it. He did too much, and didn’t focus enough on the chocolate. Tania had plenty of time to make more mousse. Her flavors were too timid. Danielle was defensive about her dessert, which was impossible to eat.

Johnny does like Tom does where he reminds the bottom three how they screwed up. Tania is out. Gail says “Your dessert just didn’t measure up. Please pack your tools and go.” Tools? I know they don’t have knives, but can’t she pick a specific tool? Whisk? Scale? I don’t know. Tania is upset, because she knows everyone always hopes they aren’t the first one.

This season: cheerleaders, fire dancers, drama. Morgan seems to be an asshat. Some pastry. That’s all I got. Clicky clicky

Top Chef 9/15/10--"Finale pt. 2"

Previously on “Top Chef”: the final four made it to Singapore, where they made street food and catered a “party” where the “guests” sat at different tables in a restaurant and placed orders for the dishes they wanted. Ed won both the Quickfire and also the Elimination challenge. This pleased him because he beat Angelo and furthered his mental breakdown. Kelly made good but forgettable food and was sent home. (click for more)

Back in the Stew Room the three finalists are relaxing when Padma forces them to return to Judges’ Table. The knife block is waiting for them. Padma says they want the three of them to have as much time to plan their final challenge as possible. Therefore, you get your challenge now: cook a four course meal, to be served head-to-head. You should know by now that this is the final challenge. The number of courses changes sometimes, but it’s pretty standard. So you should have planned this already. However, now we are restricting the types of courses you can serve. First course is vegetables, second is fish, third is meat (both fish and meat chosen by Eric and Tom), and fourth course has to be dessert. Tom jokes that monkey is in season. And there are helpers as always: Hung, Mike V., and Ilan. Kevin’s worked with Mike before. Sigh…Ilan. Both Kevin and Ed want Mike, while Angelo wants Hung. That doesn’t surprise me. No one wants Ilan. Ed loses that battle and gets Ilan. Ed knows nothing about him. Kevin gets Mike and so Angelo gets Hung. Not a euphemism. Seetoh says “Sock it to me!” Hee.

Everyone hangs out in the hotel, all six of them. Angelo complains of feeling like garbage and goes to bed early. He wants to impress everyone but he also knows he needs to sleep and get better. The other two get some good advice, such as “don’t do anything new, be yourself” and “make sure they know your dish belongs to you”. Ed wants to make his dad proud. Kevin wants to win for his family also.

Ed and Kevin eat breakfast in the morning and Angelo says he can’t open his eyes from the pain. Sounds like stomach flu. Ed says he hopes it’s like a 24 hour thing. Angelo doesn’t want to give up but he can’t even really move. They get a doctor, who says he can give him some drugs but it won’t make him get better faster. The doctor tells him he needs to get fluids and rest but only gives him a 20% chance of being able to cook tomorrow. If he’s got a stomach thing, he shouldn’t be anywhere around food for a while anyway. They have laws in England about that sort of thing.

Everyone comes to the kitchen except Angelo. Tom and Eric tell Hung that he’s going to call Angelo and let Angelo tell him what to prep. They’ll wait and see if he’s better tomorrow and worry about it then if he’s still sick. Ed thinks Angelo should tell his body “Fuck you” and get out of bed. For fish, the chefs will have red mullet (rouget), cuttlefish, cockles, and slipper lobster. Ed says rouget have a lot of bones. Meat is pork belly and duck. Tom says that the second course must be the rouget and the third course must be the duck. The other proteins must be incorporated into the dishes somewhere. Interesting.

1 hour and $300 at a supermarket. The sous chefs have strong opinions, which is not a surprise. Mike has suggestions, but we only see him suggest to buy something cheap. Ilan has suggestions like “there needs to be something richer in the soup”. Ilan is bossy. Ed’s totally ignoring him, as he knows listening to his sous chef can come back to bite him in the ass. Hung is super awesome and nice to Angelo.

3 hours to prep. Both Kevin and Ed wish Angelo was there, I think. Hung is skilled enough to take care of things without Angelo. He also is skilled enough to fly into the walk-in and take all the foie gras before anyone else can have any. Ed’s pissed, because Hung took a whole lobe, for tasting portions. Kevin’s menu is as follows. First course: eggplant, zucchini, and roasted pepper terrene. Second course: pan-seared rouget with cuttlefish “noodles”. The “noodles” are frozen cuttlefish cut thinly. I was thinking cuttlefish puree that you squeeze out of a pastry bag into boiling water, but that’s not what he’s doing. Third course: roasted duck with duck dumplings. Fourth course: “Singapore Sling” with coconut panna cotta. Oo, panna cotta has sunk many a chef. Hung is being Hung and tearing around like a crazy person. Ed jokingly asks him to break down his rouget, but Hung curses and says that was not fun. Ed’s like, I didn’t want to hear that. Kevin feels bad for Hung too. Ilan puts something in an oven, and Hung tells him to watch it because “my pork belly’s in there. I mean, Angelo’s pork belly.” So that brings up an interesting question. Let’s say Angelo’s better tomorrow and can do the final prep work and cooking. Should he be judged equally when he had nothing to do with an entire day of prep work?

Ed is still fighting Ilan, who is voicing too many suggestions for a sous chef, in Ed’s opinion. Ed’s menu is, first course: chilled summer corn veloute. Second course: bacon-wrapped slipper lobster and char-grilled cuttlefish. Isn’t he supposed to have rouget? Third course: duo of duck, roasted breast and stuffed neck. Fourth course: sticky toffee date cake. The dessert is Ilan’s job. Ed knows he nailed a dessert last time, but doesn’t think that a fried banana is enough to win “Top Chef”.

The doctor is back to check on Angelo, who now has a migraine. Is that what it was? Not food poisoning but a really bad migraine? The doctor wants to give him an antibiotic injection, which has a 3% success rate. That is why we have antibiotic-resistant bacteria! Because people do things like that! Gah! Angelo of course agrees. This involves shooting him in the ass. And why can’t we see Angelo’s ass? Stupid. He gets a diagnosis of “probably 2 or 3 days until you’ll be 100%, but maybe 5 days or a week”.

In the morning everyone is nervous. Angelo is still sick. He’s dressed but still lying in bed. His stomach is still tender, but supposedly he is clear to cook. I’m still suspicious. I think he should have another day to make sure he’s not contagious. Ed wishes it was just him and Kevin, but he’s already beat Angelo twice so he knows he can do it again.

Another 3 hours to prep. Angelo has lucked out with having the fastest sous chef alive. Ed reiterates that Ilan works for him. Kevin says the judges have not seen anything like this from him. It’s a risk but hopefully it will pay off. Angelo has diagrams of his plates that he can show Hung. First course for Angelo: royale mushrooms with noodles, pork belly, and watermelon tea. Second course: Asian-style bouillabaisse over sautéed rouget and poached cuttlefish. Third course: duck and foie gras with marshmallow and tart cherry shooter. Fourth course: “Thai Jewel” shaved ice and coconut milk. I do notice Angelo is wearing latex gloves to cook. Kevin says Ed does overkill so he wants to keep it simple. Angelo agrees, but Angelo’s chevrons for his dishes had to be put onscreen one course at a time because there wasn’t enough room. Ed thinks his food tastes more complete, even though the others plate very prettily. Plating is happening. Eric Ripert tells some other guests that he and Tom selected the menu, and the other people laugh evilly. Angelo says he can’t give any more. In his interviews he does look sickly. Pale, or something.

The finalists kind of freak out at the wide panel of famous people. Angelo’s noodles are served IN the watermelon tea, which is a strange pink in the bottom of the bowl. The pork belly is “char sui bao”, which means it’s in a steamed bun with sauce. So good. Kevin’s terrine has tomatoes, jalapenos, and also black garlic puree. It’s pretty. Ed has included fried black cockles with his corn soup. Angelo has extreme flavors, but it needs work. Kevin’s dish doesn’t have a lot of “umph” but it does take balls to make a terrene. Ed’s done very well. Everyone has done well.

Angelo is trying to keep hydrated but it’s kind of hard. Ed makes some comment of “So you’re not sick anymore.” and Angelo’s response is “sick of your attitude”. Sigh. Angelo’s soup looks pretty good. Kevin’s fish includes pork belly somewhere, and the cockles, slipper lobster, and cigala. Ed’s rouget is stuffed with zucchini pesto, with the slipper lobster and cuttlefish on the side. It looks more like a trio as opposed to rouget with accents. Kevin’s dish is “interesting”. Ed’s dish is complicated. But Angelo’s dish is the one you’ll remember.

Kevin can’t slow down and make his dish perfect. Ed and Angelo are also freaking out. Angelo’s marshmallow is cinnamon flavored. Kevin has caramelized bok choy and coriander sauce. Ed’s stuffed the neck with spinach. Kevin’s duck is cooked the best. Angelo’s cherry shooter is pointless. Ed has layers of flavor and little touches.

Ed is kind of irritated that Ilan’s dessert isn’t that complicated and the whipped cream might be salty. Well, you probably shouldn’t have left an entire course in someone else’s hands. The desserts are very pretty. Kevin’s dish goes over really well, and it’s very pretty. Angelo’s dish is almost savory. Ed’s dessert…is either great (Tom) or a “fuck you” (others). Gail thinks that all the desserts are good for a change. The finalists return to the dining room for applause.

Judgment. They start with Angelo’s seafood course. Um…OK. It was delicious and the vegetables were a nice twist. His duck course suffered from the cherry puree which was not a palate cleanser. He starts explaining you were supposed to go back to the salad and Tom doesn’t think food should be that complicated. Now we go to Ed’s duck dish, and why are we jumping around? Ed’s duck was well cooked and the spinach was delicious. Ed’s dessert was like him: “I’m not going to be something I’m not, it doesn’t look like much, but you’ll enjoy it”. Nice. Tom disagrees with Gail, saying the salt and sweet was great but this is such a close competition and Tom could get that dish at home. Ed says he was going to make lemon curd, but he could have made a disaster. Kevin’s first dish needed a little spice, because he took the seeds out of the jalapenos. His duck was a great combination, and his Singapore Sling was delicious. You guys. I’m feeling a Kevin winner edit right now.

Everyone took some influence from Singapore, and very different dishes with the same proteins. The first course: Angelo’s dish was more “pork and noodles” as opposed to “vegetable”, Kevin’s dish was timid, and Ed’s dish was flavorful. Second course: Ed didn’t feature the rouget, Kevin’s rouget had crispy skin and blended well, Angelo’s broth was wonderful. Third course: Angelo’s duck was weird and the cherry shooter failed, Ed’s duck was slightly overcooked but tasty, Kevin’s duck was the best cooked and had care. Fourth course: Angelo’s flavors worked, Ed’s dessert was too safe and he should have taken the risk of lemon curd, Kevin’s dessert was wonderful. The judges talk a little about each chef.

Why can’t Tom host the reunion? Why are we having a reunion at all when you aren’t announcing Fan Favorite because you desperately want people to watch Andy Cohen’s stupid ass show? GOD.

You guys. I called it. Kevin won. Padma tells him, and he says, “I am?” completely seriously. I’m OK with him winning, I was just rooting for Ed. But I know he has a good job being Cat Cora’s sous chef on “Iron Chef America”, because I saw him last week (him and Richard Blais, weird). And Angelo has a new car. Oo, car curse in effect! Angelo claims to have no regrets. Ed says Kevin deserves it. He is proud to be the first African-American Top Chef.

Back for "Top Chef: Just Desserts", probably tomorrow. Clicky clicky

Project Runway 9/9/10--"What's Mine Is Yours" summary

Previously on Project Runway: everyone make new clothes out of bridesmaid dresses! It was actually a good idea, even if the dresses they got are nowhere near as bad as the average “ugly bridesmaid dress” you can find on the internet. Everyone continues to hate Mike C., and the producers refuse to show us any footage in justification. The designers actually have to display their clothes to the public, for votes. Ivy decides Mike C. is telling everyone she is the bitch of the show, which, 1. you are, and 2. it would be pretty damn unlikely that the producers would not have footage of that if it was happening; they would totally air it. So, Mike C. wins again, which seemed to be the judges’ way of flipping off the rest of the designers. Since Gretchen and Ivy pretty much have their heads explode. Peach made a weird top and sad ruffle peplum so she was sent home. (click for more)

April is lonely because she’s left alone in her apartment. She doesn’t want to have to move in with the other girls, because she knows they’ve been talking about how young she is. April promises she doesn’t deal with bullshit and will voice her problems. Mike C. says he’s won twice and he feels like Gretchen. Hee. He’s kind of hurt that no one was excited he won. I mean, it is sad, but it’s also kind of sad that he’s sad. You know? Andy can’t respect Mike C. because he thinks he’s the weakest. To Mike’s face, though, Andy just says that he doesn’t know who Mike is “as a designer”. Whatever. The girls say they made April a sign, but it looks like the “Welcome Designers!” sign, and someone wrote “April!”, shoved in between words. There are a lot of stupid “grrl power” comments.

I think Heidi is wearing shiny tapered harem pants. Ew. Heidi claims they are supposed to “kick back and relax” for brunch with Tim and a “special guest”. Field trip to the marina!

Oh, it’s just Kors. He says today’s challenge is resort wear. I never get resort wear. I mean, I don’t get much of fashion in general, but when I look at people’s resort collections, it starts out looking like what people would wear on vacation to a resort, which is what I thought it was supposed to be, but then there’s always like, three ballgowns, which makes no sense. Anyway, Kors says it has to be cool and interesting and showcase “who you are” and so forth. Mike C. is like, um, from Palm Springs, I got this. Kors reminds them that resort wear actually means anything, any clothing. Mondo says when he goes on vacation, he stays home. He gets up late and walks around the apartment in underwear and a T-shirt. Love it! That is also my idea of resort wear. Kors sends them out on a boat to have brunch and sketch and wear the free Michael Kors sunglasses he’s giving all of them.

Gretchen says this will be challenging because Kors has high standards. As if he hasn’t been judging them this whole time. Mike D. doesn’t want to sketch. It’s too cool on the yacht. Casanova worries. Andy is making a luxury bathing suit and a cover up. April has never done resort wear, except for the diaper hot pants. Those were fine except for the fact that they were white. Tim, of course, has been on the yacht in his suit. Hee. While shopping, Mike D. says he’s a dark designer, and he has to stay true to himself. Tim agrees. I include it because it sounds like foreshadowing.

Uh oh. Tim has a “gather ‘round”. He has the velvet bag. Everyone knows this is not a good thing. Teams of two! Everyone has to execute each others’ designs! Tim says that good designers don’t do their own work, they send it out to other people to construct. Heh. Valerie gets paired with Andy and they seemed relieved. I mean, I think they’re still nervous, but that’s not a bad pairing. Mike C. gets paired with Mondo. Pretty much everyone is praying that they aren’t paired with Mike C. Even Mondo, and I didn’t think he hated Mike that much. April and Christopher (so thrilled), Casanova and Gretchen (AHHAHAAHA!), Ivy and Mike D. GIRL if you screw up Mike D. I will be PISSED. Tim says very carefully “the DESIGNER is responsible for how the sample maker executes the work”. So, if you are Ivy, and Mike D. ruins your look, the blame falls on Ivy. That…may suck.

Ivy is already changing her look. Chris and April are going like gangbusters. Mondo says flat out, Mike C., your construction is awful and you have immunity so I am not excited about this. Oo. Mike wants to prove he can do good work. But Mondo has a point, you have a pair challenge and one person has immunity. Andy has a swimsuit, and he’s worried because Valerie doesn’t do swimwear much. Ivy is still freaking out and Mike D. tells her to calm down. Hee. Mondo makes notes but has no sketch. He seems to throw something at Mike, but I think he was just throwing it. Mondo is like “I can’t believe you don’t have a ruler” but he has no sketch. Gretchen sketches a million sketches, all huge, because Casanova doesn’t understand English. He says he can see just fine and that she must think he’s stupid. Ivy says “nothing personal against Michael D. but it’s a challenge”. He feels he’s inherited her neuroses. Gretchen is telling Casanova his clothes are too old. Mondo hates Mike C.’s fabric, but he says he’s not afraid to focus on working with him to get his own garment done. He’s getting melodramatic, but I can see his thought process. If he screws up Mike C.’s garment, it’s supposed to be blamed on Mike C., who has immunity. Mike says someone thought he could sew, because he’s here. Mondo gives him some praise, and says he’s a good guy. He also apologizes to Mike for being a bitch. He promises he has faith in him. Aww, yay Mondo.

Tim time! Not really. Kors is here to do critiques. Sigh. He says it’s very important that they are able to explain what they want to someone else, because it’s very unlikely they will be sewing every single sample for their whole career. Kors tells Casanova to stay youthful, and Gretchen gets the same advice. Mondo has a lot of look, and Mike C. has a wide pant and loose top. Mondo thinks he will be judged if he does a poor job executing the look he’s been given, except that’s not how I interpreted what Tim said. Kors wants April to keep her dress sheer, with granny panties. Oh, sorry, boy shorts. Obviously she’s going to do that. Chris also gets some good praise. Kors doesn’t understand Ivy’s fabric choices, and Tim is shaking his head. She’s dumbed down her design because she’s afraid of Mike D. screwing it up. He gets some generic “don’t make it ugly” advice. Andy has given Valerie a lot of work. Scary. Kors then flat out tells Valerie that no one likes her color combinations that she keeps picking.

The models come in for fitting. Mike D. knows he hasn’t made what Ivy wants. His voice sounds wavery. Valerie calls home and loses it. However I have no sympathy for “oh, if I don’t make Fashion Week I have wasted so much time” because she showed today.

Ivy is still freaking out because she doesn’t think Mike D. can finish. He doesn’t want to feel like “a complete doo-doo head”. Valerie is scrambling. Mondo was caught off guard by Mike C., and acknowledges he was a jerk. Tim tells them their sample maker owns the work, until 10 minutes before the runway. Valerie has changed her colors. Ivy is done, so she’s micromanaging Mike D. Calm down. The models get fake tans. As soon as Tim comes in to tell them they have 10 minutes, Ivy leaps up to sew her garment. Mike D. helps her out because he feels bad.

Heidi is wearing some weird-ass black lacy sparkly thing. I feel like she would ridicule that if someone presented it on the runway. Guest judge is Kristen Bell. Mike C.: very low-cut halter top and palazzo pants, with a brown leather belt. It is a jumpsuit. The fabric is a shiny gold-green. It feels very 70’s. Oo, side boob. Mondo: blue and green striped bikini, with boy shorts, and a cropped windbreaker jacket with a bright green leaf print. She also has a matching visor. It’s not super exciting but it’s cute. Mike D: long black gown, with a slashed top. It’s like he cut up the neckline, but kept the straps. It’s hard to describe. Ivy: long gray skirt and a one-shouldered top, in gray-green. It’s so boring. I could buy that in the mall. Chris: one shouldered top, draped in a print and walking shorts. The print is kind of a non-color gray. April: sheer dress with boy shorts. The top has straps around her neck, and straps around her upper arms so she can’t raise her arms. Maybe she can argue it’s lingerie. Casanova: off the shoulder beige top with like, macramé as a belt and tight sleeves. Then he’s got some wide-legged pants. The back has a big keyhole. Gretchen: beige jumpsuit with a loose top and wide palazzo legs. Under the beige is a dark red. It’s the same color palette as the team challenge. The pants are slit up the side, and the top is pretty low cut, to show off the red. Valerie: I think it’s a two piece bathing suit, with high-waisted shorts in a chevron pattern, and a black bikini top. Over the top of that is a beige “cover-up”. It’s cut like a long vest, that clasps over her boobs and then flares out over her hips. Her model looks fat. She looks like she has a huge chest and a thick waist and is trying to camouflage it. The back of the vest (which is not much longer than the shorts) has panels so it looks like pleats, but they move oddly when she walks. Andy: very long and flowing purple cover-up. The purple shades from lavender to dark at the hem. It unties to reveal a one piece bathing suit with a very deep V. Imagine if you took fabric from each shoulder, through her legs, and then put a belt on it. Like that. But it looks fantastic.

Andy, Casanova, Mondo, April, Ivy, and Mike D. are called out. Everyone else is safe. Heidi cuts the bullshit and tells Andy, April, and Mike that they have the high scores. This is so she can kick the other three out of the room. The models come in, along with the “sample makers” a.k.a., partners. April’s outfit looks like her and is well done. She looks sexy but not vulgar. Kristen says she’d wear it on the red carpet, which bothers me. Andy wanted something versatile. It looks expensive and is beautifully done, and works in many sizes. Mike D. praises Ivy’s sewing skills and talks about how he loves his garment. For some reason, Heidi wants to know how Ivy liked working with Mike. “It was a challenge because he doesn’t really know how garments go on and off and I had to help him with that.” Mike admits they don’t speak the same jargon so it probably was difficult for her. Kors is like, shut it, the end result is important, and the end result is great. Ivy is quick to agree with him. Everyone seems to love it.

Loser gong! Not really. Mondo likes to play with colors. Nina says it looks cheap and junior, and she doesn’t buy that he doesn’t know what resort wear is, that’s not a good enough excuse. Kors claims that all designers do a resort wear collection, which I doubt is totally true. Kristen wants something more adult. Mike C. praises him though, and Mondo says he’s proud of their working together. Ivy wanted movement, but she then says that when she found out she was working with Mike D. and his “limitations of skill” she edited down her look. She also blames the lack of pants on him, which is true since she did ask him how he felt about palazzo pants and he said “not good” (although she claims he can’t make pants at all). She admits she changed her designs several times because she worried he wouldn’t finish. He says he told her he “felt uncomfortable” but he does know how to make pants. Kors points out she had like 7 fabrics (“I had four”), so she bought so little of each fabric she couldn’t do much of anything with them. Ivy argues that with her original idea she could have. Don’t pants take more fabric than a skirt? Kors is like, whatever, there is no personality. Ivy keeps agreeing, and I wish she would just be quiet and listen. Nina wonders if she has the ideas to be a good designer. Mike C. is loving every minute, and Heidi calls him on it. He says that since he’s worked with her before, he knows where other Mike is coming from. Ivy complains he shouldn’t roll his eyes, like she’s never rolled her eyes or been the bitch of the show. Kristen informs Ivy that she should have played to Mike’s strengths, and she claims she did do that. Heidi reminds her that with all this explanation, she still threw Mike under the bus. Ivy says she’s here for the competition, and needs to defend herself, and that’s not throwing him under the bus. Now that Mike C. knows people are watching him he’s making faces. Stop that. The judges all agree that Ivy blamed her crappy outfit on Mike’s lack of sewing skills, and that is throwing him under the bus. Casanova says a bunch of stuff that doesn’t make a lot of sense…I think he’s saying he doesn’t mean to design for his grandmother. His look is not vacation-y but it is matronly. Nina worries there is no middle ground with him; either he is vulgar or matronly.

In the Scrap Bin, Ivy thinks she’s going home. Mike D. reveals he told Ivy to throw him under the bus, as she complains that she was just trying to tell them how it was going and it was misinterpreted. Mike is all choked up with how poorly he made that garment. But he didn’t force Ivy to keep dumbing it down. She did that before he even put needle to fabric. He thinks that her not trusting him screwed with his head.

Andy’s outfit was wearable and good-looking. Mike D. was interesting and clean and polished, plus he could explain what he wanted. April kept true to herself and made something wearable. Mondo had random colorful clothes that didn’t go together. Ivy had no design and was bland. And Nina is suspicious of how she blamed Mike. Casanova is confused and is certainly not modern or cool.

Mike D. is in. He is thrilled to not win, actually, because he’d feel guilty. Out of all the pairings, Mike/Ivy is the only one where one person was top and one was on the bottom. He says he didn’t throw her under the bus because that would be childish. April is the winner. It was good, but I think Andy should have won. Andy is in, of course. Mondo is in. Oooohhhhhhhhh I see where this is heading and I don’t like it. Ivy was responsible for her fabric and dumbing down her design. Casanova was inspired by his grandmother. Ivy is in. Heidi tells her she must wow them next time. I knew it. Now I’m sad. Casanova comes into the Scrap Bin and pretends to hang himself from the door with his scarf. He says that he’s disappointed but not sad. Montage of Casanova quotes. Hee. Tim is super upset too. He says he grabbed one ball of NY and NY grabbed one of his. Yeah.

Next time: Jackie O. Tim Gunn says “Jackie Kennedy would not have camel toe”. Hee. Clicky clicky

Top Chef 9/8/10--"Finale pt. 1"

Previously on “Top Chef”: wine and food pairings brought us Angelo’s first win in a while. Then everyone was supposed to cook for NASA, and have their dish freeze-dried and sent up into space. Of course that means that no one really took into account how things would look or turn out freeze-dried. Not that we should be surprised as the “themes” for the Elimination challenges really just are guidelines. No one ever gets kicked out for not following the theme. They get kicked out for not following the theme AND making bad food. Anyway, Angelo wins again, while Tiffany froze her mussels by accident, couldn’t compensate, and was sent home. That was sad. Oh, and Angelo won the car this season. So we’ll see about that. (click for more)

Singapore is gorgeous. Kelly is super excited. These shots are of the chefs wandering an outdoor market with food stalls and tables set up for eating. Kevin has a silly hat. The guys are in T-shirts and it’s kind of weird, somehow. Tom appears to greet everyone with Seetoh, who is labeled “King of Singapore Street Food”. Kelly says he’s an authority. They’re at a hawker food center, where there are many many food vendors set up. Yummy. He takes the chefs around to meet people and watch them cook. Some of them have been making the same dish over and over for decades. Angelo feels it’s destiny for him to win and everyone is envious of his passion. I think everyone is asking questions and details because they know they’re going to have to run a stall. I mean, it’s obvious. They taste a noodle dish and also a dish of poached chicken, served room temperature, that Seetoh calls the “national“ dish. And chili crabs. Angelo says that’s the only thing he wants to taste in Singapore. Seetoh tells them if you speak in a certain dialect to the vendors you get bigger portions. Hee. Ed says his goal is to kick Angelo’s ass. Kelly thinks her biggest competition is Kevin, because they cook similar food.

Eventually they make it to Padma. Oh, like they were going to “check out one more spot before calling it a night.” Please. Everyone make street food! Man, I wish St. Louis had street food. But there’s laws about how many food vendors can sell food on the street. Stupid laws. They must cook street food in a wok. They will get local ingredients, too. And the winner gets immunity. Seriously? Immunity? Free pass to the finale? I don’t know if I like that.

30 minutes to cook. All the local ingredients are labeled…in Cantonese. Ha. This throws Angelo. Everyone is smelling and tasting things. Ed wisely stays away from things he doesn’t recognize. Angelo schools us in woks and whatever. Ed interviews that Angelo is not a shoe-in. There is a ton of cursing. Angelo starts confusing himself by thinking about all the things he could be doing. Ed has used a wok many times. Kevin is making curry, or a stew, or something. Everyone is sweating up a storm. With 5 minutes left Angelo starts breaking down frog legs instead of the crab he was going to use.

Angelo: chile frog legs with pineapple and rambutan salsa. The rambutan is supposed to be like a palate cleanser? Vegetarian sea urchin? I don’t know. It’s a little spiky fruit that looks like a peeled grape when you get it out of the covering. Kelly: Chinese noodles with lobster, cockles, bean sprouts, and Chinese broccoli. Kevin: seafood stew with lobster and cuttlefish with crispy shallots. Kevin admits he’s never used a wok before, and Padma is like “What is wrong with you? You knew you were coming to Singapore!” Yeah, good point. Ed: stir fry noodles with black pepper sauce, lobster, and gai lan. He mispronounces “gai lan”. Oops. Ed says he likes to wok it out on the weekends. Sigh.

Angelo put robust flavors together well, and the pineapple was a good trick. Kelly seared her noodles, and captured the ocean’s flavor. Kevin’s was complex, and Ed captured his flavor in his noodles. The winner is Ed. I don’t think I like this immunity thing. Don’t get me wrong, I like Ed and I’m glad he’s in the final. I just don’t like that he can totally screw up and still be in the final. Angelo is pissed.

Why is immunity so important? It’s a team challenge. No way. They have to make a menu for a party. The menu has to celebrate Singapore’s local cuisine. There will be one team, to make up one cohesive menu. Dana Cowin is throwing the party, and there will be 80 people ordering. They get $200 to buy spices and dry goods. I guess proteins are provided.

Back at the Hilton everyone looks around their swank rooms and drinks champagne. Everyone gets a book, I guess to write down their dishes and shopping lists. Everyone decides on what they want, and Kelly asks if they need more than 4 dishes. Ed says he doesn’t think so. That’s a poor choice. They’re worried about the time, though, because the dishes have to be made to order. Ed only wants to make one dish, but he’s immune, so everyone else should remember that. But for some reason they all agree to each do one dish. (Kmanpat: “I’d only do four dishes. I’d rather do 4 dishes well, than 10 mediocre ones.”) Yeah, that’s true. Angelo tries to threaten Ed that he can’t pull them down. If each person does one thing, then other people can’t pull them down, right? Everyone agrees their menu will have 4 dishes on it.

In the morning everyone sits around and makes shopping lists, I guess. Kevin says he brought some vinegar from home, a whole bottle, and the others ask him for some. He makes a snide comment about “oh, are you all sharing? Because I thought we were competing”. Eh…such a minor thing. Plus, your budget is for your whole team so you might as well share your things with them. Ed steals some jam from the breakfast table to use later. Angelo is joking about cilantro salad. Ed still wants to kick his ass.

They found them some shopkeepers who know English so they can shop. Ed finds a random box that looks cool and appears to have plantains in it. He decides he wants to make a second dish for something extra. He seems to hide it. Angelo has convinced himself that having immunity makes you have less passion so he’s fine with Ed having immunity. Ed reveals that he has a learning disability so this is for all the people who told him he was an idiot.

They only have one hour to prep. Wow. The kitchen has proteins and vegetables and stuff like that. Angelo is talking to himself and flailing. He’s making lamb tartare with rambutan ceviche and curry oil. Ed jokes around a bit, Angelo bitches at him, and then Ed is like, I’m glad I have immunity. Angelo calls him an asshole. Hey, what happened to “I have more passion because I don’t have immunity”? Ed tells Angelo not to touch him. Ed is doing sweet and sour pork with crispy rice and potato cake, and gai lan. Gai lan is Chinese broccoli, I think. Kevin reminds us that they all agreed to only make one dish. He is making “clam chowder with flavors of southeastern Asia“. That’s what the chyron said. Kelly is cooking a variation of fish head curry: seared prawns, spicy red coconut curry, and crispy prawn heads.

Tom time! He’s shown up halfway through prep time to berate them for not making more dishes. He asks if they think four dishes is enough. Ed grins and says he’s planned for two dishes all along. Oh, Ed. That was a dirty trick. I like you but…that was kind of low. Everyone else looks pissed. Tom says he thinks they should all do two dishes each. They all agree and Tom leaves them to flail.

Ed is trying to joke, when he probably should shut up, and says “That was predictable, huh?” The response is cursing. It makes the whole group look bad. Kevin comes up with congee with egg, and tapioca instead of rice. Kelly can’t get a can open. She’s going to make chilled cucumber yogurt soup. Ed says they should have known this is the time to knock it out of the park. Angelo flails and decides to make a shrimp broth in a wok. He is walking to the cooler when he notices there is blood on the floor. And we’re talking a lot of blood. Kelly’s cut herself badly. Oh, so much sweating and flailing. Kelly can’t even work the plastic wrap.

Commercial interlude: some night they were there, they find some person with a big horse trough or a fountain or something and fishing poles for prawn fishing. Huh? You can do that just randomly on the street? I wanna do that! Kevin, for a chef, is strangely reluctant to touch live prawns. Kelly even had to bait his hook. Oh, that sounds bad.

Everyone gets ready for service. They have 90 minutes to cook today. Kelly says everyone has to work together, but they don’t know how they’re going to expedite anything and they haven’t met the waitstaff. Kevin’s egg for his congee is going to be a “63-degree” egg, which means that the yolk and the white are barely cooked…or perfectly cooked? I can’t find good information about it. Anyway, it involves the immersion circulator. Ed’s being a smartass. He says he’s sarcastic, and it makes people think he’s a douchebag, but if it’s Angelo, he’s probably really being a douchebag. The waiters show up, and Ed talks to them and gets an expediter and stuff like that. Ed is done early so he’s helping Kevin open cockles.

Orders start coming in. Everyone is cooking last minute, yelling at waiters, telling waiters to go…it seems to be chaos. Tom pretends he is ordering for the table, which is stupid. We all know you’re tasting everything. They can’t get their stuff together to serve their food at the same time. Angelo is freaking out because the waiters aren’t taking his food out fast enough.

Kelly: chilled cucumber-yogurt soup with bitter melon salad. It’s acidic but it’s nicely done and balanced. Kevin’s clam chowder does not get explained any more than it was. Oh, it has cockles in it. Angelo: spicy shrimp broth with ginger and prawn dumplings. It’s refined. They liked Kevin’s dish too. Angelo’s lamb tartare turned out well. Ed’s sweet and sour pork makes someone say “yummy!” so that’s pretty impressive. Someone is writing tickets in Chinese. Nice. Kevin: 63 degree farm egg, tapioca pearls, and radish condiment. It’s a play off congee, which is rice pudding. The egg turned out properly. Kelly’s prawns and curry are a hit. Ed: banana fritters with red chile paste. The judges all love them. They want a giant pile with ice cream. Oh, that would be good. The chefs get to come out for applause and recognition.

UGH I just noticed this is an extended episode. No wonder I’m tired already. Judges’ table. Angelo claims to have forgotten he was competing. Tom tells them it was the best food they’ve had all season. Angelo has never done a lamb tartare before, but he wanted to challenge himself. His flavors were bold, but his prawn broth had a little too much body and was more like a sauce. Kelly’s soup was wonderful, but her fish was a little mishandled and she should have gone for the spiciness she usually backs down on. Ed’s dishes were “tastealicious” according to Gail. Seetoh wishes he had fried his rice cake to make it puffy. Tom says that the fritters were perfect stoner food and that is a compliment. No one has anything bad to say about the fritters. Kevin’s chowder was great, and the tapioca congee was a great risk that paid off. But Seetoh wishes there was texture, something crunchy.

The Stew Room is full of people deciding they are the ones going home. Except for Ed. The judges are pleased that Ed worked hard and didn’t slack off. Kelly’s shrimp didn’t stand out, but the guava salad did. There was fish in her cucumber soup (how did I miss that?) and it was a problem. However Gail would pick her soup over Angelo’s soup. The tartare was very well done. They really like Kevin’s dishes, although his tapioca would have benefited from some added elements.

The winner is Ed. Good for him! Tom praises everyone else, and then Padma sends Kelly home. Angelo cries. She says the competition was much tougher than she thought. She’s disappointed, but thankful for what she has at home.

Manly hugs and backslapping. Everyone is thrilled. Padma makes the three of them come back to Judges’ table right now. Oo.

Next week: Ilan, Mike V., and Hung are waiting for our chefs. Man, you couldn’t get someone other than Ilan? Angelo is sick and in bed. Like, getting a shot in the ass sick. Clicky clicky

Project Runway 9/2/10--"You Can Totally Wear That Again" summary

Previously on Project Runway: a team challenge requires the designers to split into two teams, one team with all the winners and one with all the misfits. So of course this means the misfit team wins. Gretchen’s team thought they were the best thing ever, but after they lost they were quick to throw Mike C. under the bus. As he had immunity, and was safe. Gretchen basically told everyone what to do and Ivy kissed her ass and Chris agreed. AJ couldn’t make tailored clothing, sadly, and went home. Casanova had a mental breakdown but then came back to win. And Tim came back to the Scrap Bin and yelled at the losing team for letting Gretchen bully and manipulate them. Ivy changed her tune quickly but Gretchen cried that she’s not manipulative because she didn’t tell AJ to make a sucky dress. (click for more)

Did you know that the Project Runway Fashion Week show is one week from today? That means 10 designers will be showing. OVER HALF of the people who were cast to be on this show will have Fashion Week shows. What’s the point? Why not just give people some money, let them make collections, and then judge them. The point of Fashion Week is to get your name and designs out to the public. It’s not a prize if 7 other people that you already beat are there and no one knows they’re technically not on the show anymore.

The “previously on” clips label the teams “the underdogs” and “the superstars”. Hee. Also it was too important to remind everyone that Gretchen was annoying, or whatever, so no real opening sequence. The boys talk about how group work sucks and being the winner is awesome. Plus Casanova has immunity. Peach and April joke about how the runway didn’t suck for THEM and also how Mike C. should have gone home because he can’t sew. So…I guess everyone hates him, then. He’s still pissed they threw him under the bus, which I would agree with, considering they were so adamant that they not betray anyone. He’s done with them. Gretchen is “bummed out” about what happened, and apparently being called manipulative “clouds [her] vision”. Ivy whispers to Valerie that it’s good for Gretchen because she needs to be brought back down to reality. Ivy really can twist the knife, can’t she? Valerie tries to be diplomatic about it.

On the runway Heidi says they will have new models. Random women. In bridesmaid dresses. Ha! Some of them are like…prom dresses. Not horrible but not exciting. None of them are the kind of dress you will see on any website dedicated to ugly bridesmaid dresses. I wish they had been. Really they could have done this challenge with prom dresses. I like the concept though. They must make a new look from the bridesmaid dresses. Look, one girl has a short dress! Shut up, Kim, and your vertical bow. Now everyone is trying to crack jokes. OK, I will admit they’re probably all polyester. Casanova picks the most model-looking girl. Someone has a white bridesmaid dress. Mondo picks a girl with a nice pink dress…until she turns around and there is a white skunk tail strip in the back. He makes a face as everyone laughs. Hee. I like Mondo. Mike D. is stuck picking last. Sigh. Heidi tells them it must be runway-worthy. What does that even mean?

Oh, Mondo has corset lacing too. Hee! Tim comes in to tell them to rework the dress into something the models can wear out, not to a wedding. They’ll have $50 and can buy up to 2 yards of additional fabric, but they must use mostly the dress they have. The girls come back in. Chris, who picked his model based on the way the blue dress complemented her skin tone, is told by Tim that his model freaked out and left. So he has a new model and a new dress. That totally sucks. He fakes excitement. Everyone’s planning. April has the picky model that I think the producers search for. There is always a picky one. Mike C. is excited. Peach is already telling her model how to walk. Mike D.’s girl is like, do whatever you want, I don’t care. His girl is “volumptous”. Sigh. He says he’s going to be careful. He’s nervous.

Mood shopping is as exciting as ever, except for that Mike D. is buying upholstery fabric because you can get more yardage out of it. He doesn’t want his girl’s size to be the conversation topic. First of all, she doesn’t look that huge, and secondly, he then says she has a “wicked curvaceous body” which sounds so weird. Valerie gossips in the sewing room that Mike C. should go home. Andy is like, but I want to respect him and I can’t. You know, maybe he does suck, but we get it. You can quit talking about it now. Gretchen gets a video phone call home, where she tells her mom she wants to go home. Yeah, that’s a good idea. You do that. She doesn’t, though. Chris says that Tim’s lecture last runway show made him feel for Gretchen because “that’s not what she intended”. You could have stopped her, you know. He claims she’s not malicious. Except when condemning Mike C.

Tim time! Gretchen looks upset. He comes over and they have a professional conversation. She says in confessional that what she needs him to do is critique her garment, not be her emotional mentor. I don’t think that’s what he was offering when he yelled at the rest of your team. She says he doesn’t know her, even though he nailed her actions exactly. She keeps talking, but I’m done listening. Mike C. is up next. His girl asked for lace with puffy sleeves. To his credit he wants to talk her out of it. Ivy judges from across the room that his construction skills suck and the lace is overkill. Mike D. wants to say that he’s struggling because his model is fat, but he is self-aware enough to not want to say it. Tim tells him it’s an honor to design for someone who isn’t a size 6. Heh. An honor. He’s got some lace over the dress but it looks like a bra. Mondo has done a lot of work. The pink is inside out and he’s able to get enough black to make like, half the dress. Peach has some weird thing…it’s not done yet, I don’t think. Valerie hates it. Tim gives her some good advice. Chris’s new fabric sucks and looks like curtains. He has no idea what to do with the skirt. Ivy’s model wants to show off pretty much her whole body. Casanova has something sporty and cute. Andy is making a clubbing outfit. Valerie has a big V-neck and a skirt. You know, it reminds me of a tennis outfit. Tim says it’s “clothes” and not “fashion”. Just don’t go home, he tells her.

Tim has a surprise! Ha! Tomorrow is not a runway day because it is a “designer showcase” day. They have to present their design, on their model, at some event type thing, and the guests will vote on their favorites. This will “certainly” factor into the judges’ deliberation (*eye roll*).

The models come in. April has to tell her model that the collar is staying, because this challenge is also about April. But it is detachable, for later. Mike C.’s model really wants the lace and sleeves. I like his dress the way it is though. Peach screwed up her skirt. She cut it in the wrong place and she’s got to readjust or else have a seam running up the front of the skirt. Oops.
The next morning Valerie thinks her dress is too simple. Gretchen tells her she’s just being cranky and insecure. I mean, she probably is, but it’s so condescending. Peach is really worried. She doesn’t even like her dress.

The models show up, and April’s model says she likes it. Mike D. says it’s super cute. Do these girls get hair and makeup? Mike C. gets his lace on and it actually doesn’t look bad.

Each girl is on a small pedestal where she just has to stand there. There’s a stool with a fishbowl on it where people can vote. Everyone gets one vote and Tim says to schmooze it up. Valerie: she started with a hot pink long dress with some froofy stuff on one shoulder. The pink is now a pencil skirt, with a black sash and some black along the sides of bodice, which is white. There are thin black straps in an interesting pattern in the back. Where did all this other fabric come from? The pink is inside out so it’s not so shiny. People like it but are not voting for her. Mike C: began with a long black dress with a white inset panel in the skirt. Now it is a little black dress with puffy sleeves and black lace near her neck. The lace blends into the bodice so it’s hard to see from a distance. Also the skirt has a wrap design to it, and so the hem is higher right in front. Where it is pretty short. Good thing that pedestal isn’t any higher. Ivy: got stuck with the white dress. It’s now a pair of tight white crop pants and a very loose top. The top is like a short poncho with a belt. It’s yellow at her shoulders and then fades into white, and there’s a tank underneath. Actually it’s not a bad look. Most people have turned the fabric inside out so it’s not shiny. The crotch is insane though, and she has one shiny strip up the side of the pants like a tuxedo stripe. The top has a cowl drape in the back. Gretchen: your standard dusty rose dress. It’s now a very short skirt with some weird black print or something near her waist, and then a tank top that is beige with a darker brown stripe down the front. She claims it is “office appropriate” but that skirt is pretty short. She painted the stripe on the top. Oo, side boob. Also not office appropriate. And her client is flat-chested! Why doesn’t she have a bra? Why couldn’t Gretchen design a tank top that accommodates a bra? Eh? Andy: he actually had a short baby blue dress, the one with the vertical bow, which he dyed black. It is now a pair of shorts and a black tank top.

April: has made a black dress with sleeves and part of the previous pleated dress sticking out from the collar. Where did all that come from? Did she dye her fabric too? I don’t really like the scarf/skirt piece. Casanova: has not turned his fabric inside out. Instead the teal is a pair of pedal pushers and is shiny. He made an off the shoulder blousy top in camel. It’s cute but shiny pants. Chris: so his new fabric is this gold lacy print sort of stuff. He’s made a short sheath dress with the new fabric gathered at her hip like a wrap dress. Mike D.: the hot pink dress is now covered in a black overlay curtain fabric so it’s darker. It’s also cut slightly differently, more of a baby-doll outline than a regular dress. He only gets one button vote. Peach: the skirt is now a pencil skirt, and the top is a halter top in a weird upholstery looking fabric, with a sad peplum and a racerback. It’s not very good. Mondo: his dress has half black and half pink fabric, and it looks really cool. Very modern. Mike C. has a lot of buttons and Valerie and Ivy are pissed. Ivy complains that he’s been telling guests that she’s the bitch of the show. Really? Why didn’t we see any footage of that? Plus, why would he pick on you and not Gretchen? Ivy says it’s catty, as she goes around gossiping to everyone about how he was so mean to her.

Andy has decided to shave his hair into a Mohawk. Ivy is still complaining about Mike C. sabotaging her. Andy confronts him about it but Mike C. denies it. He says he can be bitchy but he wouldn’t do something like that. Ivy says she won’t confront him “because that’s what he wants”. Then she says he’s not worth her energy. Let’s see if she brings him up again. Mike C., however, says he’s going to talk to her about it.

So even though everyone had finished clothes yesterday, a lot of people are trying to change things on their garments. Tim comes in and says that Piperlime is giving their models “a gift of jewelry” from the website. You know, Piperlime started as a shoe website but the shoes this season are mostly bad. Peach recut her skirt and it’s not straight anymore. Mike C. confronts Ivy about how she was badmouthing him. He tells her he didn’t say anything like that. She interviews that she doesn’t believe him because she judges a person by their character and his character has “proven otherwise”. Huh? They all were complaining that he couldn’t sew, and now suddenly he’s a horrible person too? Did I miss something? Shut up, Ivy. He tells her if she wants proof she can talk to his model, but of course she doesn’t think that’s necessary because she’s not going to believe his model either. I guess her character sucks too. Mike C. is fine with not being friends with her. Apparently saying that to Ivy in front of several other people makes him an idiot. Hair and makeup time. I will say, that for all of Mike D.’s complaining about the size of his model, I do see that 2 yards was enough for Mondo to make like, half a dress. Probably it wouldn’t be enough for Mike D. to do anything, so I can see his handicap there.

Heidi says Mondo got the most votes yesterday. She claims this will factor into judging. Guest judge is Cynthia Rowley. Now is the runway show, and as I already talked about everyone’s clothes, I don’t have to pause the DVR all the time. One thing I did not notice about Gretchen’s look, is that the tank top is very long in back so it covers her butt. And there is a racerback tank or sports bra underneath. Andy’s shorts have silver chains. And a giant zipper. Who decided that huge exposed zippers are great? Mike C. has moved the skirt so that it’s not open to her crotch anymore, but is off center. I think he also added some fabric to make it slightly longer. Mike D. added a shrug. He claims he will not cry if sent home. I only include it in case he cries. April’s dress has a zipper from neck to hem. In case you want to unzip it from the back, I guess.

April, Ivy, Andy, Gretchen, and Casanova are safe. They all go to the Scrap Bin to gossip about everyone. They also all think Mike C. is in the bottom, but we know what happened the last time they all thought that. Casanova and Andy just sit there. Mike D. talks about his dulling down the color, but Kors thinks the original color looked better. You can see every flaw in the skirt because it’s so cheap. His model likes it. Chris made his dress sexy, even though now she has a titscrepancy. Kors thinks it’s two dresses? Cynthia likes it and thinks it’s perfect. The bottom is short, says Nina, and Heidi says she loves it short. Yeah, we know. Peach wanted to highlight her model’s tattoo on her shoulder. Kors says her hair is gorgeous. Peach is quick to agree, until Kors continues and says that’s about all that’s gorgeous. Hee! The top is “hobby halter” and the “avocado dinner napkins” serving as a peplum are a fail. Kors says she looks like she is at “the church bring-a-pot dinner”. He’s in rare form today. Peach tucks one under and it immediately looks better. The racerback is nice, but then the peplum in back is like a ruffle. Heidi asks her if she feels sexy and she says it’s comfortable. So that’s a no. Nina’s bored too. Mondo’s super cute dress is modern and is a very good transformation. The hair kind of fails, though. It’s a high ponytail and thick bangs. Valerie tried to color block the bodice to try to make her look skinnier. This is declared “nursing grandmother chest”. The construction is poor also. Nina says it’s lopsided and makes her chest look huge. Also shorter and broader. Mike C.’s turn. His dress is edgy and hip and super short. The judges love it. I mean…it doesn’t suck, but they were just OK with Mondo’s dress that everyone else loved to death. Well, at least Gretchen will like, implode or something. There’s a velvet bow in the back that they love.

So I guess when you get back to the Scrap Bin you are grilled by everyone to relive all the horrible things the judges said. And Mike C. gets to talk about how they loved him. Hee. The judges start talking about Mike C. and his dress, and then Heidi says something suspicious. She starts gloating about how everyone last week said he was a horrible designer and couldn’t sew anything and all of that. Are they praising him so highly because they just want to fuck with Gretchen and Ivy and that team from last week? I feel like the fact that everyone threw him under the bus also week is a factor in making him in the top this week. And it shouldn’t be. Chris had a good idea and the top was great but the skirt was maybe not the best. Mondo made a modern hot dress but the styling was terrible. Notice that of the top three, Mike C. only got praise, while the other two had problems. Don’t think I don’t see that, producers.

Valerie made a bad tennis dress gone wrong. The proportions were wrong. Mike D. apparently looked better before. I don’t agree. Cynthia nails him for not adding the best fabric, when he only had $50. Peach had a total disaster that looked home sewn. Too many ruffles. She has the sewing skills but not the taste level.

Back in the Scrap Bin Mike C. claims that the judges said so many awesome things he’s forgotten what all they said. Once he leaves everyone curses and Gretchen threatens to quit again.

Mike C. wins. Sigh. No one is happy for him. AND he has immunity again. Yeah, I smell producer interference. Gretchen complains about how no one appreciates craftsmanship. She also claims to be insecure. Casanova likes him though. Mondo is in. Chris is in. So when everyone else returns to the Scrap Bin Ivy is super loud about greeting them. Silence for Mike C. She can go anytime. Valerie is in. Mike D. is in. So Peach is out, which she seems to have expected. She’s pleased with how well she did. April is sad.

Next week: resort wear. Mondo starts to hate Mike C. too. Valerie cries. It seems like they throw Mike C. under the bus again. Clicky clicky

Top Chef 9/1/10--"Gastro-nauts"

Previously on “Top Chef”: whatever writer has been working on the titles of the episodes this season inflicted upon us a Quickfire based on idioms. Ed made gnocchi, which is impressive for a Quickfire, and he won. I wanted someone to make “hide the salami”. Then everyone had to make “upscale” food to be served at a pre-game thing at the Nationals’ ballpark. It didn’t seem to be “upscale versions of ballpark food”, just something fancy that happened to be cooked and served out of a concession stand. For no reason they had to work as a team. Angelo offered to take orders, then thought better of it, which pissed off Kevin. Ed’s fritters were hot and delicious, so he wins again. Angelo failed, and seems to be sliding downhill faster and faster. In the end Amanda finally went home though, for gray tuna. Bleh. Oh, but Angelo admitted he could have helped her out but did not. So I guess he is screwing people over. Kind of. If they don’t figure things out on their own. But Eric Ripert said on his blog that he refused to eat Amanda’s tartare. Like…they filmed him putting it in his mouth and then he spit it out. So you know it was bad. (click for more)

Kevin knows he dodged a bullet. Kelly misses her husband. Oohhhh….wedding picture. That’s not the best sign. Angelo divorced his baby mama last year, but he’s going to win and he wants to be a chef, and etc.

Padma has with her Dana Cowin, who is the editor in chief of “Food and Wine” magazine. Ed’s her Facebook friend. Hee. She says that 10% of pairings are awful, and 10% are genius. Food and wine pairings. At first I thought she said “parents” and I was like “Oh, yeah, awful…genius? Huh?” So the task today is to choose a wine from the selection provided and make a dish to pair with it. Tiffany has someone to do this for her so she knows it’s not her strong suit. Kelly says she and her husband do this all the time. Winner gets a trip to London. Kevin wants it bad.

1 hour to cook. Kevin is making braised pork belly. He’s taking a risk because of the time factor. Kelly is making wild boar with blue cheese emulsion. I’ll be honest, I usually don’t taste all these flavors when I taste wine. So pairing wine with food is something I leave to other people. Mostly people picked red wine and are making red meat, except Angelo has a white and is making foie gras. Kevin opens his pressure cooker to the Loser gong. The pork belly is not happening. With 7 minutes left he is cutting down quail, because he has no options left.

Tiffany: cocoa and black pepper crusted Wagyu tenderloin with spring risotto. It looks pretty good. Kevin: grilled quail with shaved apple and fennel salad, and apple vinaigrette. Dana looks pissed. Angelo: sautéed foie gras with black salt and fennel salad. Kelly: wild boar tenderloin, blackberry conserve, mache, and blue cheese emulsion. Foam, boo. Ed: grilled Wagyu rib eye with spring potato risotto and mushroom ragout. Sounds good.

Kevin was least successful, as the quail wasn’t a good match. Kelly’s dish suffered from the foam. Good. The less foam the better. Angelo’s pairing had contrast between the heavy foie gras and the crisp wine. Tiffany had wonderful seasoning. I guess Ed was just not memorable.

Yes, congrats to “Top Chef” for winning the Emmy! I love “Amazing Race” so I’m sad to see it lose, but at least it didn’t lose to something like “Dancing with the Stars”. Although I might start watching DWTS based on the new season. Picture it: Michael Bolton vs. the Hoff. Awesome, no? P.S. I want to watch “Just Desserts” but the commercial seems designed to make the contestants seem as annoying as possible. I mean, I’ll watch it, but mostly because I’m the right demographic to watch any food competition show. Hell, I watch “MasterChef”.

Anyway, back from commercial and the winner is Angelo. Damn, he got his momentum back.
Padma reminds them that only 4 of them will go on to the finale. And that’s really 4, not the “3 will show but since we can’t plan there will be 8 other decoys” of Project Runway. The final challenges will take place in Singapore. Seriously? Wow. Jaws drop. For this Elimination challenge, the chefs will have to go to NASA. Kelly went to Space Camp when she was 14, just as I did. I hope she got to scuba in the big tank.

Fake, non-copyright infringing “2001” music plays. Are they really in Mission Control? That can’t be a working Mission Control. Isn’t Mission Control in Texas? I can’t imagine NASA would just let them traipse in there with cameras. Tom introduces them to Vickie Kloeris. She is the head food scientist. Someone pulled some strings and got the astronauts on the International Space Station to record a message about the food and how all that works in space. This challenge will be to create a dish that follows the set guidelines for astronaut food. Winner will have their dish recreated and flown up to the ISS some time in the future. They aren’t specific about when. That’s still pretty cool though. The tasters on Earth will be NASA scientists and astronauts, and the judges. Plus Buzz Aldrin. Kelly fangirls some more. The food has to be able to be freeze-dried, which means not a lot of sugar, and no big chunks. Also the astronauts like spicy food. Kevin doesn’t even understand how they eat, let alone what to make.

$200 for shopping. Ed’s going Moroccan. No astronaut ice cream. That shit is nasty. Angelo totally runs over some poor woman. Man, I want some Whole Foods hot bar food now. It tastes so good and it’s mostly healthy for you, except for the part where you fill up the container and realize you’ve bought over a pound of food at like, $8 a pound. Man, so good though.

Cooking commences. Tiffany chills her mussels and does the moonwalk. Freeze-dried food can be good. Angelo diagrams his plate. Kevin says most people are doing “ethnic” food, while he is doing more homey food, to remind the astronauts of home. Tiffany is with him because she’s “cooking from the soul”.

Tom time! Angelo is making ginger-lacquered short ribs and horseradish crème fraiche. While that sounds delicious, I don’t know that it can stand up to freeze-drying. Maybe it can. I’ll totally eat the non-freeze-dried ones though. When Angelo tells Tom, Tom makes Tim Gunn’s “I’m concerned” face. But refuses to say why. Tom, love it. Kelly has pan roasted halibut with artichoke and fennel barigoule. “Barigoule” is slow-roasted artichokes. That sounds good too. Ed: yogurt marinated rack of lamb and grilled satay of lamb. Interesting. It will be highly spiced. Tiffany: pan seared Alaskan halibut with coconut curry, steamed mussels and jasmine rice. Interesting. Tiffany loves this kind of food. Kevin, in contrast, is making NY strip steak with bacon-jalapeno marmalade and corn puree. Bacon-jalapeno marmalade is not “homey”. Bacon is homey, and jalapenos can be homey depending on where home is, but I’m not sold on the marmalade. Tom wishes them all luck and bails.

Everyone gets ready to leave. Tiffany put her mussels too far back or something and they all froze solid. Now they’re dead and she can’t use them. Suck!

Back at home Tiffany is very quiet and sad. Ed doesn’t think it’s unsalvageable. Kevin talks about how he’s a good cook and he’s a fighter.

In the morning a note greets them. Their ride is waiting for them…winner gets to take it home. I guess transporting the car overseas was too much hassle? Car curse, don’t let me down this time! Not like last season! The chefs run outside like little kids that have heard the ice cream man. There is a brand new Toyota Avalon. They let Angelo drive, which seems like it might not be the best of ideas, but he makes it there in one piece. Or they filmed him driving away, then made them all ride over in the production vans, and let them drive the last few feet in the car again.

One hour to cook. The executive chef of The Ronald Regan Building and International Trade Center greets them and wishes them luck. It’s very cramped. Everyone looks serious. Kelly says someone will have to outcook her to send her home. Yes…generally that’s how it works. Tiffany is adjusting her broth without her mussels. She used to work at IHOP where they told her “women don’t work in the kitchen”. Another reason not to go to IHOP. Angelo realizes his lacquer is too sweet. Ed has left a lot of fat on his lamb but is feeling strong. The diners get to the table and sit down. Kelly curses a lot.

Tony Bourdain is here! I love him. My dad hates him because he says that Tony smokes too much and therefore can’t taste anything, and therefore shouldn’t pass judgment on food. Whatever. Anyone who says to Tom “What kind of crack house are you running, Colicchio?” wins points in my book. Kelly serves her halibut, which comes with a salsa verde salad. It looks pretty good. The barigoule sounds good. It’s well done. They couldn’t have this much sauce in the packet, but Tom feels if they can put a man on the moon they could figure it out. One of the other astronauts says that they miss “crunchy” in space and the artichokes are crunchy. Ed is up next, with his lamb, eggplant puree and couscous croquette with hummus. The bone in the lamb would be a problem. Eric thinks it’s too complicated, but Tony disagrees, calls Eric Ripert “The Ripper”, and says he’s been to Morocco and Ed nailed it. That’s why I like Tony. Kevin’s steak has crispy onion rings. It’s good but it would be a challenge to keep the onion rings crispy. Tiffany’s fish and curry looks delicious. I want some. Eric doesn’t see the connection between the pieces. The fish sauce sings to Tony. Angelo gives anal instructions to the waiters on how to serve his dish. OK, I wanted those short ribs…until I saw that Angelo seems to have taken the meat off the bone and put it in a tall ring mold. It doesn’t look like a short rib anymore. Tom doesn’t like the candied ginger. The pickled mushrooms have some good flavor. Tony teases Eric about being cynical and Eric gets this fantastic look on his face that I see on Kmanpat’s face when we make fun of him for stuff.

Commercial interlude: everyone eats the leftovers from everyone else. There are varying degrees of confidence.

Tom says that the difference between the winner and loser is very small. Ed’s plate was very busy, but everything worked together. Eric still thought it was too complicated, but agrees it was all done well. Tiffany’s fish was done well, but she could have done without tomatoes and the skin on the peppers. Eric wanted a little acidity. She admits to the mussels. Kelly’s artichokes were wonderful. Angelo’s glaze was too sweet. He says he was “submissive” in making the dish and talks about “making love” to the short ribs. Ew, now I really don’t want any. Tony is like, I don’t know what you are talking about, but I loved your dish. Kevin’s dish was really great but Tom would prefer his steak cut thicker. Tony thinks he played it safe.

Ed’s dish was busy but I think Eric is the only one who feels that way. He cooked his heart out. Eric’s favorite was Kelly’s dish. It’s not that original, but it was done very well. Angelo’s ribs were perfect but Tom still hates the ginger. Kevin listened to the astronauts and gave them something of home. But Tony is super bored. Tony talks about Tiffany’s fish and says he is “a slut for fish sauce”. Eric hates that she cooked the pea shoots. Tom doesn’t think she overcompensated for the mussels with fish sauce.

Tom says the winner not only gets their meal served on the space station, but they can go watch one of the two remaining shuttle launches at Cape Canaveral. Sweet. Angelo wins. Plus he gets Tony’s new book. And the car. Tom praises everyone else, and then Padma sends Tiffany home. WHA?!?! Damn. Kevin immediately starts praising Jesus, which I know is because he is safe, but you could wait until the person who lost is gone. I’m sad. She’s sad too.

Next week: Singapore, cooking on the street, Ed wants to kick Angelo’s ass, Tom berates them. Clicky clicky

Project Runway 8/27/10--"There IS an I in Team" summary

Previously on Project Runway: Ivy was fine. Everyone had to make outfits to go with awesome hats. Mike D. made a cool top that mimicked his hat, but somehow Mike C. made a goddess-type dress with a handkerchief hem and everyone loved it and he won. Chris had a great coat, that Tim loved but the judges thought it was horrid. April made hot pants, only in white so they looked like a diaper. Imagine her shorts but all in black. So much better, right? But Kristin made a weird black dress with red swoops, to go with an orchid hat, so she was out. (click for more)

Everyone is still pissed Mike C. won. Andy and AJ can continue to say whatever they want if they will wander the apartment in their underwear. (Kmanpat: “Yes please!”) April is confused that no one understood her “diaper”. She said it, not me. She says all she can do is to just keep doing what she’s doing. Peach says that if April has a target on her back, then so does she. April looks incredulous.

Heidi’s dress is so short it might as well be hot pants. First off, they will be working in two teams of six. Then she CLAIMS there will not be team leaders. That just means Heidi won’t be assigning them. There will still be team leaders. Someone from the losing team will go home. Mike C. gets to pick his first teammate. Plus he has immunity which is nice. He picks Gretchen. April says he’s a dumbass and asks “Do you WANT to hire Hitler?” OK I think that’s going a little far, but I do agree that Gretchen is going to run that team. There’s not much question about it. Heidi draws names for the second team, and she picks April. Valerie is irritated because she does not want to be on a team with Mike C. OR April. They go back and forth. Gretchen gets to pick, then Mondo (that’s who April picked), and so forth. The teams shake down like this: Mike C., Gretchen, Chris, Andy, Ivy, and AJ. The other team is April, Mondo, Mike D., Valerie, Casanova, and Peach. Hmm, one team has strong players and one seems to be misfits. I’m sure the strong team wouldn’t choke and lose because that never happens. Peach is chosen last and makes a big deal about looking around and waving her hand in the air. Hee. Peach tells us that everyone who has won a challenge is on the other team. The producers help us out with a chyron and sound effects. Hee. Mike C. is pretty confident, while April labels his team “a clusterfuck”. Too many egos. I like April.

Tim greets them in the workroom with some random new guy who is now the consultant for Garnier. They have to make a 6 piece collection for fall 2010. BORING. I get that this is relevant and the people who show at Fashion Week (whoops, almost wrote “Bryant Park”) probably should be aware of these things, but it’s basically a “make pretty clothes” challenge. There are concepts and textiles. One from column A and one from column B. So here’s what’s on trend for fall, I guess: minimalist, 50’s retro ladylike shapes, menswear for women, military, gold, camel, leopard and cheetah prints, plaid, and lace. Blah. Someone should make plaid military clothes though. The Garnier guy talks about hairstyles on trend. They have an hour to sketch, and then $1000 PER TEAM at Mood. And ONE DAY. Seriously? One day?

Mike D. asks that everyone respect each other. The other team is hollering, I guess, and Gretchen is sharing her opinion that they should do menswear for women. With leopard and cheetah. Valerie volunteers menswear also but Peach thinks it can go flat too easily. It appears April talks them into military. Mike C.’s team decides on camel menswear for women. April’s team votes for military, overruling Valerie who says she’s OK with it. Lace military. Interesting. They’re all making their own looks, but sharing them with each other. For example Valerie says what she’s planning on, and Mondo says he can play off of that with his blouse. Like that. They seem to agree pretty well.

Mike C.’s team is delegating somehow. Like, if someone does tailoring really well they’ll do all the tailored pieces. So no one person is responsible for an entire look. I can’t tell if that’s a good idea or not. It plays to everyone’s strengths, but what if two pieces end up not going together? Gretchen tells everyone that the other team has “cuckoo drama” so they need to do tailored and clean. AJ insists he can clean up his shredded thing because that is a thing he likes to do for himself but “this is about us”. His strategy is to make something cohesive. Oh, AJ. That is not a good sign for you. Mike C. is sketching something he thinks is an idea but no one seems to care. Everyone’s totally agreeing any time Gretchen says something, though, so he’s kind of bitter. Oh, like you didn’t see that coming from a mile away. Ivy thinks their only problem is if Mike C. throws them all under the bus because he has immunity. Then she says that to his face. Gretchen is so proud of them! Barf.

In the other room, Peach wants them to all agree on colors, so they don’t all show up with random stuff. Valerie thinks Peach should just do whatever she wants to, but Peach insists that isn’t how a collection works. Valerie blames this on Peach’s being on the bottom and being insecure. I think Peach has a good point. Peach thinks that everyone in her group has already decided they’re losing, so they aren’t even trying. Valerie thinks the solution to this is for Peach to tell them what she wants to do, but Peach wants to have agreement. She’s not really bitchy, but Valerie thinks she’s being snapped at and claims they’re trying to work together. Telling Peach to do whatever she wants is not working together.

“Team Luxe”, Gretchen’s team. Gretchen claims they mutually agreed on rich tailored pieces. Really what I hear is Gretchen saying things and then Ivy gushing over how awesome that idea is.

Shopping is the usual, except that Gretchen is like “Meet me at the stairs, Michael. Don’t go anywhere but the stairs, Michael!” like he’s 5 years old. Mike C. ditches Gretchen, who worries along with AJ that he’s going to screw them. Gretchen claims that if he screws it up she will kill him. Yeah. Later Gretchen and AJ dance like white people.

Team April is going to drape and then make sure everyone has enough fabric before they cut anything. Gretchen is telling Team Luxe what to do. Ivy is the only one making an entire look head to toe. Valerie says she found out how the other team is doing pieces and somehow this is similar to vomiting and having diarrhea at the same time. April doesn’t trust Valerie. Gretchen is worried about AJ because she thinks his craftsmanship sucks. Valerie tells Casanova to not to underdo it. I see that Casanova has fantastic shoes with curly toes. Kick ass. He says that in the past he’s’ gotten in trouble for having too much stuff so he wants to be careful of that. Be “softener”. Ivy tells Mike C. how to make a cowl neck when he asks her about it and then rolls her eyes in confessional about how he doesn’t know how to do it and she doesn’t have time to teach him. He says he can do it, and she shoots back that he said that last time but he didn’t. Mike C. threatens to go off on her. Gretchen wants to go micromanage but Chris talks her out of it. Instead, Gretchen, Chris, and Andy fiddle with his top while he’s out of the room. She claims his sucking is making her worried.

Hair consults. April and Valerie ask for French braids but messy. And fauxhawks. He gives them a much better suggestion. That’s cool; usually the Garnier person just agrees with whatever is going on. Gretchen and Andy want something modern, and so they’re doing “modern old Hollywood glam”. It’s actually like, long waves. Eh. Gretchen declares them the winners. The judges never really care about the styling that much.

Tim time! April’s team goes first. Tim warns them not to let their clothes look old. He loves Mondo’s look. Tim tells Peach to put her color under the lace, and Valerie pipes up to agree with Tim. Then she starts to tell him about her zippers and chains, which makes Tim concerned. April is cleaning up her look. Casanova is worried because Tim never has anything good to say to him. This time is no different because the look is too old. Tim tells them to keep helping each other.
Team Luxe. Gretchen thinks this is “an authentic collaboration”. They explain to him about how they’re not doing looks, but pieces. Everyone is doing “roughly” three pieces, except Gretchen, who is doing two, and who feels like she’s in every piece even if she’s not sewing it. Because she is telling everyone what to do. Tim thinks they’re ambitious, and also he feels he needs to say their collection is boring. Hahaha.

Casanova needs to take a break, because he’s upset about what Tim said. Valerie thinks he’s just having a diva moment. She and Mike D. try to get him back in the workroom to finish. They tell him his clothes are breathtaking. Valerie is really nice to him in person, but in confessional she’s offended he is upset. You can’t do that. Tell him to cry and cut. He I guess is napping on the couch. Valerie blows into the workroom but no one is there to hear her announcement. She’s super pissed that they might lose and someone would go home, as if they wouldn’t all throw Casanova under the bus for not finishing. I mean, I would. Casanova would probably admit he didn’t feel like finishing.

Model fitting. Casanova’s model has to go looking for him. He’s on the phone to his aunt. His model tells him he has to not let other people get him down and do what he thinks is best. This works much better than Valerie and Mike’s ass-kissing (or he’s ready to get back to work because he‘s feeling better) and he returns to the workroom. AJ has restarted the back of his dress so there is nothing for his model to try on. Mike C. knows that his blouse doesn’t fit, and all of a sudden Gretchen and Chris are telling him what to do with it. Gretchen is “disappointed” in AJ and Mike. See, this is why people are so irritated with Gretchen. Valerie doesn’t think Casanova can finish, but she’s mad. Gretchen is disappointed like she’s their teacher or mom or something. She tells Mike that if he can’t do it someone else will.

Casanova says he is maybe too old fashioned for this show. “I just can’t work with sluts” Hee. He makes something happen, although he doesn’t know how he managed. Gretchen is suddenly making pieces for every look, even though when Tim was there she only could come up with two pieces.

In the morning, April feels confident because while their group is all creative, the other group is all Gretchen. Who, by the way, woke up at 4am freaking out and made a to-do list. April’s team is much calmer. Gretchen says “I need it” whatever. Their team is running around. Ivy mostly. Andy’s model is hemming pants. Seriously, all their models are sewing. Chris is making the grandpa sweater that Gretchen I thought was making? Everyone thinks they’re awesome.
Guest judge is Georgina Chapman, cofounder of Marchesa. April’s team is up first. Mondo: orange leggings, with black walking shorts over the top. Her blouse is a sleeveless v-neck, with a halter that has some gold fittings. Over one shoulder there is some rope, like on a military dress uniform. I don’t know about the leggings. There is no back. Peach: high waisted pencil skirt in royal blue, with gold chains and buttons over her belly button. Then the top is a camisole made of raspberry with a black lace overlay. These two pieces do not go together; however I wish I had that top. April: black pants, a sleeveless black top with vinyl lapels. The top of the top is striped. If that makes sense. Also there is a large exposed zipper over her ass. Valerie: white skirt and cropped jacket, with gold fittings, and a blue tank. There are buttons on the skirt and gold rope on the jacket. Also there are matching blue leggings. Gretchen whispers that this is not related to the last one and they’ve won. Shush. Casanova: tight white pants with gold buttons up the side. The top is all black lace, with an opaque placket down the front, and the same backless shape as Mondo. There is a high neck and little cap sleeves. It doesn’t look too matronly to me but what do I know? Mike D: black skirt and a black lace top. The top is one-shouldered with loops along the other shoulder. We don’t get a good look at it, just as we haven’t seen him work on it for the entire show.

Team Luxe. Since they all worked on everything, probably I’ll just describe the outfits. First up: red pants and a long white tunic with a belt. The tunic just looks like an oversized linen shirt with the sleeves rolled up. There’s a little more of the red as a scarf or cravat or something. The leggings aren’t solid red, they have a panel of camel on the inside of her legs. Look 2: high waisted palazzo pants, and a gray blouse with a halter neckline. There is also a grandpa sweater cardigan. And no back to the blouse. Exposed zipper GAH. Look 3: short skirt, white blazer with a belt and a red top. The blazer is really wide and has a band at the bottom hem. It looks like maybe it was too big. Look 4: red leggings, gray shorts, and a long sleeved gray top. Then there is a very long camel vest. I thought they were supposed to do camel in everything? But some of these looks only have a belt. I think this is Ivy’s look. Look 5: gray leggings or tight pants, and a sheer white blouse. And I mean sheer. There’s a cowl neckline and also a cropped camel jacket with a keyhole in the back. The pants have zippers at the bottom. Look 6: red dress and camel jacket. The dress is short and has a keyhole. The jacket is nice.

April’s team wins! Hahahahaha. If only because it pisses off Gretchen. But you knew it was coming. The misfit team always wins. Losers get sent to the Scrap Bin (love it Duabe!) where they promptly express their shock. Valerie says they wanted to make a cohesive collection that was balanced between hard and soft. Heidi thinks it is young and fun. Georgina likes that each design is obviously from a different person, but they all fit together. Gretchen complains that their collection wasn’t cohesive. I never am able to figure that out. Like, the clothes have to look like they go together, but they can’t all look the same...so I can’t judge on cohesiveness. Gretchen thinks that their collection doesn’t look like any of them “and I think that’s a Project Runway first”. Well, whoop-dee-doo. Back to the runway. The clothes are versatile, with excellent styling, not costumey, excellent hair. And they LOVE Casanova’s look. And it’s well made. They also love Peach’s top. People think Casanova should win. He thinks Peach should win.

In the Scrap Bin AJ and Ivy think that they should all go down together as a team. Why can’t you own up to what you did? AJ is like, I hope no one decides when they get down there to change their minds! Shush. When Heidi asks them about the collection, Gretchen starts off by saying it was so important for them to truly collaborate and not just make their own designs. You already lost. You can stop trying to change their minds. They wanted to use their strengths and support weaknesses. So Heidi pounces on that and asks who the weakest designer is. To her credit Gretchen doesn’t say anyone’s name. Although now she’s crying and then everyone is crying and the judges are stone-faced. I love it. Ivy is all, “It’s like someone said your baby is ugly”. I am such an evil person. This is so entertaining to me. Heidi reminds them that Mike C. is safe from elimination, and Gretchen (dry-eyed now) says she just wants to say one more thing, that they should think of who they want to see more from because they think that’s the best way for the judges to pick who to eliminate. Did you just tell Kors and Nina how to eliminate someone? Really? Kors is like, um, fashion is tough, and good for you to be a team but you just ended up with boring. They tempered their styles and it just ended up lame. Nina points out that every outfit has a proportion problem. There’s no design, and the colors are “ghastly”. There is also no luxe. They think the worst look is the one Ivy did by herself. Nina and Kors can only shake their heads. Heidi asks about the sheer dress, which AJ made, but it’s not so much a shirtdress as it is a shirt. When they show a close-up it’s shiny. It’s not interesting. Gretchen admits that they had realized these clothes looked old, and they call her on changing her tune. Then she takes responsibility for the styling, saying “I’ll take responsibility for the styling, but I also feel like I had to style maybe a crappy collection, trying to save it.” Heidi and Nina point out that before she was telling them how awesome it was and she said she loved it. Kors wants to know if this is “her world” who had the hardest time dealing with it. Oh, that would be Mike C. Well, she lasted longer than I thought she would. Georgina likes the back of the blouse he made. Gretchen claims that she had to work with Mike so much that her own clothes suffered. Seriously, she has come around and changed her tune and no one is buying it. Heidi asks Ivy who was the weakest, and she says Mike C. but Heidi is having none of it. Out of the people up for elimination, who was the weakest? All of them throw Mike C. under the bus, as he has immunity and can take it, except AJ says he himself was weak. But no one will name someone who is up for elimination. Gretchen gets anxious and says she doesn’t want to be a martyr and volunteer herself, which is not what they asked her to do anyway. So she just pleads her own case. Ivy calls Mike lazy or possibly ignorant.

This is a waste of time! 5 people are up! Andy asks them to go by what they know of the designers, and Kors is like, that’s not what we do. Except it’s TOTALLY what you do. They ALWAYS add in past performance. Gretchen is like, fine, then I guess you want to know what we all made. The judges are like, damn, finally. I love this runway judging. So they go through what they made. AJ only made one thing. Sad.

Back in the Scrap Bin Gretchen doesn’t want to talk about it. Of course. They all admit to throwing Mike under the bus because he was the worst. He just sits there, and eventually says that he doesn’t agree but that’s what everyone else thinks so whatever.

April’s team! Everyone stepped it up! Everyone got to express themselves and Casanova especially did a great job. Peach too. Team Luxe was not luxe and also they were boring. Gretchen talked too much and changed her tune too quickly. She also spent all that time worrying about everyone else. Nina rolls her eyes. They all have a good laugh about how everyone named Mike as the weak link. It’s clear they don’t believe it for a minute. They hate Ivy’s look. AJ gave up his design style and also only made one thing. Heidi knows that Gretchen was the leader and she cowed everyone into doing what she said. But if she was the leader, but didn’t show her own style, did she just boss everyone around? Kors wishes they’d picked someone out to eliminate.

Casanova wins! Well, good for him, although I would hope he feels silly about all that drama. The whole team gets to leave. Mike C. gets to leave. He wishes all of the rest of his team good luck, which is more than I would have done. He’s upset that his team threw him under the bus. Chris is in. Ivy is in. Andy is in. Gretchen made all the decisions and they were bad. AJ spent all his time making one poor dress. Gretchen is in. Damn. AJ is upset to have gone out for something that wasn’t really him. Yeah. Tim appears to tell AJ to sit down and deliver a message to Team Luxe. He does not understand their behavior. “I don’t know why you allow Gretchen to manipulate, control, and bully you. I don’t. Understand. It. And AJ, you’ve taken the bullet, and now I have to send you to the workroom to clean up your space!” …did that just happen? Did Tim just call out a designer? OMG. Ivy knows Tim doesn’t just randomly say shit, so she thinks they all just figured it out. She certainly thinks he was right. Tim I love you. Gretchen says she’s not manipulative and her feelings are hurt because she just wanted to help and AJ said he wanted to make a shirtdress but it didn’t have to be a boring shirtdress. Wow. I don’t think you won any points with that. AJ, Kman and I are going to come visit you. Kman claims to know where you work. Not that we are stalking you, that is totally not it. We just think you are awesome and we’d love to give you some business.

Next week: new models. Tim has a surprise. I have no idea! Clicky clicky