Project Runway 7/30/08--"Bright Lights, Big City" summary

Previously on Project Runway: Everyone had to make dresses from “green” fabrics, which their models did the shopping for. Of course, all the fabrics sucked and people complained about it, but in the end, most of them came up with OK stuff. Suede won, somehow, with some weird strips on the bodice that I dare Bluefly to mass produce without costing an arm and a leg. Wesley lost, for taking brown satin and making it wrinkly and overworked. All I ask for is some competent eye candy. (click for more)

Daniel is sad Wesley’s gone, because he thought they were connecting. Don’t feel too bad, though, because he and Wesley are dating now. Kelli is glad to get going, but Stella says she can get ready in 10 minutes so she‘s trying to sleep in. Blayne wears his backpack on his stomach and pretends to be pregnant. I hope one of the girls smacks him for being an offensive tool. The recapper at Twop says she wishes Jeffrey was around to smack Suede, which I totally agree with and add that he can smack Blayne too. Santino will also do if Jeffrey is busy.

Heidi makes Suede choose models, instead of everyone. Stick to one thing! I don’t care how you do the model choosing, if everyone chooses or just the winner, but just pick one method and do that all the time. Suede keeps his model but insists on the third person thing. Heidi says Tim is taking them out for a night on the town, because they’ve worked so hard. Anyone who watches reality TV, the alarm bells should be going off. Come on. However, these people all look excited.
Jerell says maybe they’ll go to dinner. Stella wants to go to Tim’s house. Tim finally appears, in a trench coat, and he says it’s raining. Everyone then gets cheap ass plastic ponchos and rain boots. Hee.

Tim leads them to a “CitySights NY” double decker bus. Suede is confused, of course. Like he’d be the one to figure it out. And it’s like 10:30 at night. Tim says they have to create a look inspired by New York at night. OH I called that last week. There will be 4 stops, and at each one they’ll let a group off with cameras and they’ll have an hour to take pictures. Did the producers really think that by making this “at night” that we would think it was a new challenge?
Suede, Daniel, Leanne and Jennifer get off at the first stop at Columbus Circle. Stella, Kenley, Blayne, and Keith are at Times Square. Blayne asks about tanning salons. Korto, Kelli, and Joe get off at the New York Public Library. Terri, Emily, and Jerell get off at Greenwich Village. Daniel has pictures of a shadow? Stella can’t work her camera, and Blayne tells her to “open up the thing, baby”. Kelli has some black and silver fire hydrant which she says is a Mad Max thing. Terri’s got graffiti, which she takes a blurry picture of. Seriously, they are even taking the SAME PICTURES of things to be inspired by. Jerell and Emily find the porn shop. Heh. Keith then says he’s a Mormon. A gay Mormon in Salt Lake City. Harsh. Someone complains about him being competitive, because he’s walking in front of people taking pictures. But it’s Stella, which I’m sure she would complain about anything. It’s annoying, but…it’s a photo. It takes 10 seconds. Keith ruins it by saying he doesn’t care about the “negative energy” because he’s not here to make friends.

Back at Atlas everyone finally gets to bed at like, 1:15am. But first Jerell has to put on his facial mask. Not surprising. Blayne thinks he’s teasing Jerell, except that he just asked about a tanning salon, so.

Back at Parson’s in the morning, Tim says he’s still wet from last night. Stop it right now. They have to pick one photo, and then they’ll get $100 to shop. 30 minutes to pick a photo and sketch. Kenley has a picture of a map. It’s kin of abstract and stuff. Blayne has some colors, or something? I’m not sure what it is. Keith has a wet magazine. No, really. He likes volume. And he’s talking about how he wants to be in the top 3, so he’s in trouble.

Tim brings them to Mood for the first time. Kenley always brings the 40s and 50s. Stella hollers for help. Not really, she just pouts “Someone needs to help me!” in a conversational tone, until no one responds. Then she hollers “Who’s helping me?!” Shush. Terri finds exactly what she wants.

Tim gives them until 1am, and the winner gets immunity again. Last week they got to sell on Bluefly so that was the prize. Suede says some nonsense and every time he says “Suede” I want to kick his ass. After saying she likes her retro look Kenley describes her dress as fresh and new. Joe thinks the print is really old. Leanne gets really nervous, to the point Terri has to comfort her. She’s got a circular planter as inspiration. She’s still putting loops everywhere. Blayne is looking around all bug-eyed staring at people threatening to eat them. He’s a freak. Keith has…rags. It’s all like, hand-sized pieces of fabrics sewn everywhere. Stella thinks it dumb, which is not surprising because it‘s not made of leather. Keith talks some more about how awesome he is, sealing his fate. Terri loves her dress graffiti thing. Emily is trying to figure out how much is too much. Right now it’s a black one shoulder dress with a colored ruffle in orange and peach falling over the shoulder and down the front. Kenley says it’s not well done and cliché. These people sure trash talk a lot. Stella picked out the blinders on a horse, naturally, because they’re leather. This involves grommets. She says she’ll die being rock and roll. I don’t think anyone would argue with you on that. No one got her a bedazzler, so she’s putting in grommets the old school way: you put the two halves of the grommet/stud on either side of the leather, then you place it on the table and hammer it until they stick together. As you can imagine, everyone hates her quickly. She says to no one in particular that if they don’t like it they can “get the f**k out of there”. OK, 1. no, they can’t, and 2. at least acknowledge that you’re annoying.

Tim time! Tim’s concerned about Jennifer. Her hem is messed up and she doesn’t have sleeves yet. Daniel thinks it sucks. I am thinking that for anyone’s dress, someone in the workroom is willing to say something about it, in the hopes that it’s funny and they can be “hilarious bitchy sound bite person”. (Kmanpat: “Sorry kids, that title is held by Jay, and Robert as a close second.“) Keith explains his rag dress. Tim has nothing to say. Interesting. Kenley’s dress is exposed (?), and she’s got some gorgeous pink/purple chiffon. With a turquoise Hawaiian shirt print. Costumey. Terri’s print matches her graffiti, and it doesn’t look bad. She’s got a dress and pants, and the dress is backless. Tim makes sure it’s a good “oh my gosh!” when the model turns around and you see the backless part. Leanne’s skirt is looking tiered and actually really good. He warns her not to overwork it. Emily’s dress now has ruffles along the front, not draped over the shoulder. They are more…ruffley, if that makes sense. Her picture is a long exposure with lines of light. Tim is disappointed because it’s a black dress with a giant corsage. She’s happy with it. Sigh. Tim says goodbye to everyone and Blayne’s all, OK, holla atcha boy. Tim has to ask for an explanation, and then he tries to say “Hello? Holler? Challah?“ OK, as much as I hate Blayne, Tim Gunn saying “Holler at your boy? Is that the phrase?” is hilarious.

Frantic working. No one seems to be confident or done. We cut quickly to the next morning when people are worried and Stella is wearing her hot pants and striped leggings again. More frantic working. There is a lot of work, and it seems to be more than usual. Like, people are still draping and tops are not attached to bottoms, as opposed to just fixing hems. Tim appears and says that Keith’s model had to drop out of the competition, so he gets the eliminated model. Fun. 1 hour for fitting, hair, and makeup. Leanne doesn’t seem to have a top. Jennifer (who? exactly) is still sewing. Tim says they have 10 minutes and he’s serious. He has to ask if anyone is listening to him because no one responds. Does he always do that? The 10 minute warning, I mean, because if that’s a new thing, that’s a good sign of how little these people plan. A lot of freaking out. LOT. These designers don’t time manage well at ALL.

This week’s poll: Should “Holla at cha boy” be Tim Gunn’s new catch phrase? First of all, it’s “atcha” not “at cha” and second, no. (Kmanpat: “And third, hell no.”)

Sandra Bernhard is the guest judge. Interesting. Keith: his dress did turn out OK, but it’s odd. It makes you want to know how to make it, but it also looks raggedy. Blayne: black dress with giant rainbow ruffles. Every color of the rainbow, down the front of the dress, which is long sleeved and high necked. Sigh. Joe: fitted gold bodice with black lines, and a black skirt. It’s inspired by a light fixture. In the back of the skirt there is some tulle. It‘s not really exciting but it‘s also very wearable. Emily: black dress with colored ruffle. Only a couple warm colors and across the bust and down the front, ending before the hem. The dress is still one shouldered, but the ruffles are straight across. Leanne: plain cowl neck black top but the skirt is spot on. It’s in tiers that meet in the middle but only one side has gray so it stands out. Jennifer: blah. It doesn’t look like a clock, except for the white sleeves with black lines. The rest of the dress is blue with a high waist and elbow length sleeves and is super boring. Jerell: green with ruffles and it’s awesome. It’s strapless, with a dark olive green, and lighter green ruffles across the bustline (flat ones though) and then layers of the light green down the asymmetric skirt all the way into a train. I don’t see the inspiration (a fountain) but I want it. Kelli: I don’t know. The top looks like it‘s macramé, in black. Then there‘s a high belt and a tight black skirt. The model has a Mohawk. There’s no silver in it at all, and it was a silver and black fire hydrant, so I don’t get it at all. Daniel: a black strapless dress, basic, with a swath of gold fabric over one shoulder going across her body. Most of the skirt is gold, so maybe there’s not a full black dress there. Does it look like light and shadow? Eh. Kenley: fitted turquoise and purple print with a mock turtleneck and puffy shoulders and fitted elbow length sleeves. Then on the skirt on one side of the dress is the chiffon. She has a tumor. Seriously, that side of her skirt is fuller than the other and it is a bump. The rest of the skirt tries for volume but fails. Suede: high collared shirt dress, in putty. Somehow it relates to a gold and blue streak of light. Stella: shiny metallic halter top and pleather pants with the grommets. Bartender in a biker dive bar. Korto: black jumpsuit which doesn’t look like the thing she took a picture of, which I can‘t identify. Terri: blue dress and pants. The print on the dress is blue and green, and it’s got a high neck and long sleeves, but is backless. It‘s certainly interesting.

Keith, Kenley, Emily, Terri, Jennifer, and Leanne are called forward for more questioning. Wait, that means Blayne and his giant rainbow ruffle escaped, while Emily’s ruffle didn’t. According to Tim, he says that Blayne‘s ruffles were part of the dress, whereas Emily‘s ruffle was just sewn on top. Also they‘re placed differently. Kenley talks about her painted wall and whatnot. Sandra says that you have to be tall and thin to wear it, but Kors thinks you could be lopsided. It’s very 80’s but also updated. Strangely, Kors says that it is pretty 80’s, but if you are too young to remember the 80’s it’s pretty cool. They actually really like it. Huh. Keith wanted to have hidden beauty, but it’s shapeless and Kors thinks it looks like “toilet paper blowing in the wind” because of all the white fabric. Everyone nods, and Nina especially hates the uneven hem, which I think wouldn’t have worked if it was even. Terri says her girl is confident and “fierce, sexy, and in control“ (that part from Sandra). Sandra says she seems like if she was alone in an alley she’d threaten attackers with a knife. Everyone wants to know her. Emily explains her streaks of light. Sandra wishes it was flatter, without the ruffles. Nina compares it to Carmen Miranda, and Kors says the ruffles are hitting her wrong. Leanne says she noticed things she might not because it was raining, like the tree planter. Heidi says it looks like she bought it at a store and she’d wear it. Jennifer talks about the clocks, and Holly Golightly meets Salvador Dali, but Kors sees no surrealism and her hem is jacked up. Everyone is bored. Including Nina, and you know you don’t want to bore Nina.

Good: Terri (great vibe and attitude, you want to know her model), Kenley (surprising and different from what she’s done before, everything came together), Leanne (very wearable, and not over designed at all). Bad: Emily (Kors says the ruffles were insane, Nina has no comment and everyone clutches their pearls), Keith (too much white, too much like toilet paper), Jennifer (no surrealism, no one cares about what else she can do, poor execution).

Terri is in. Kenley wins. She’s never won anything major in her life. Leanne is in. Keith is in, so much for foreshadowing. Emily made a cliché, and Jennifer’s style that she keeps telling us about doesn’t match what she showed them. Jennifer is in. Emily says her dress was beautiful and finished and showed her personality and shouldn’t have lost. I guess design counts for more than execution.

Nest week: another field trip, Keith steals fabric or something, Blayne doesn’t know who Sgt. Pepper is and Tim is disgusted (holy crap, I'm disgusted), Joe says there’s too much drama because there are too many queens. Probably.
Clicky clicky

Project Runway 7/23/08--"Grass Is Always Greener" summary

Previously on Project Runway: we met all 16 designers (so many!) and they were forced to shop at the grocery store for materials. Unlike the first season, this season pretty much everyone bought tablecloths, enough that Tim yelled at them for being boring. Kelli won, for at least using vacuum cleaner bags and coffee filters. Jerry went home, for using a shower curtain to make a lumpy raincoat. Did you know that Jerry is already famous? Anyone watch “Make Me a Supermodel”? When the contestants went to Fashion Week they walked in shows to get runway practice. The girls walked in Jerry’s show. He’s established enough that he showed at Fashion Week. And was already on a Bravo reality show, which not one person mentioned. Except Blogging Project Runway. And then to top it all off he was the first one out. Also there is a very, very high percentage of “indie rocker chicks”. They kind of all look alike. (click for more)

Suede says his roommate Jerry was “voted out”, and it somehow doesn’t surprise me that he is confusing this show with other reality shows. He’s kind of taking a “better him than me” approach. Stella reads off some nasty health drink formula or something. She’s shocked to still be there. Of course. Her dress was pretty crappy. On the way out the door we see that Blayne has taken over the boys’ chalkboard to write things like “sup holla!” and “Team Licous!” It makes me want to vomit.

Everyone gets to pick new models if they want. There is no drama. Well, Jerell tries to make drama but it’s a pretty lame attempt. It’s like he feels that he should do it, because Nick did it a couple of seasons ago, but his heart’s not really in it. Then…Heidi has all the models come back out. Huh? Emily is suspicious. Heidi tells them their next challenge is to make a cocktail dress, and the models are the clients. Does this mean we’ll see more of the models? Will they be crappy clients? I can only hope so.

Tim meets everyone in the workroom. Of course, making a cocktail dress for a skinny young model would be too easy, so they must use “green” fabrics. That means all natural fabrics, such as bamboo, hemp, jersey. I am sure Blayne and Suede know about hemp. Leanne says she already only uses green fabrics so she’s not concerned. Then Tim drops the bomb: the “Project Runway first” they have been advertising? The models have to do the shopping. HA! Ha, I say! Naturally everyone flips out. They only have $75 too. Tim drags them off immediately, so they don’t even get to tell the models how much to buy, let alone what type of fabric to get. That would be my problem; I can figure out what kind of fabric to get, and the color, but I have no idea how many yards I need for a dress.

Gratuitous shot of Elle magazine at some newsstand somewhere, with one of the Olsen twins on the cover. That would make me avoid buying Elle.

Tim gives the models 30 minutes to shop at Mood. They’ve actually got a good selection of organic fabrics. Karalyn says that a lot of people are going to end up with the same fabrics so the challenge here will be to still get a unique look. I put her name because that’s a really smart observation. Oh, what I wouldn’t give for Morgan to be here right now, buying some crazy thing and screwing over her designer. Someone is buying peacock feathers.

Jarell’s fear is having to use “remnants of nonsense”. Hee. They get 30 minutes to talk and then the rest of the day to sew. And it’s already 12:30. Kenley doesn’t like the jersey she’s gotten, because it’s not very fancy. Keith’s the one stuck with peacock feathers, and also champagne and peach. His interviews, he’s wearing a wife beater and a bandana, and glasses, but in the workroom he has different glasses, giant nerd glasses. Still cute. Jerell’s model has no nonsense remnants. Wesley hates the colors he’s stuck with. I am hating the sweater-tied-around-the-neck/polo shirt look in his confessional. He looks like a tool. The waistcoat in the workroom is cool, though. (Kmanpat: *drool*) Suede babbles something about not having fashion, or something, but he’s putting Suede into it? I don’t know nor do I care. He also declares that they’re consulting with their models not just to chat, but to find out what they like. Well, yes, genius, that’s generally what consults are for. I’d give him more crap about it but you know someone is going to totally ignore their model and get in trouble, proving that not everyone has had that particular insight. Cut to Stella ignoring her model, who wants drapey stuff, while Stella always does form fitted clothing. As we’ve seen, if she caves to her model she’ll get yelled at. I wonder if she will.

10 hours to sew. Emily hippies that the fashion industry pollutes water with their dyes so green fabrics are great. “Hippies” as a verb, I like it. Blayne is making paneling, and I think the tanning has fried his brain, because he compares Heidi to Darth Vader. (He calls her “Darth Licous” too but I’m trying to ignore that). On the outside, she’s shiny, but on the inside, she’s crazy. Does she also have the power to control the Force? Actually that would kick ass. Instead of kissing people goodbye, she could throw them off the stage without getting out of her chair. Wesley is worried about time, because the satin he has will show every mistake. Kenley asks around if people have black, and when someone says they do, she decides to just use the champagne silk she has. Did she not ask if people had champagne? Maybe she doesn’t care if it’s not silk. Korto says her model is Puerto Rican and has curves, so she is taking advantage of that. Stella refuses to make a drapey dress. She says the judges want to see what she can do, not what her model feels like wearing that day. Suede refers to himself in the third person again. We also find out he’s bisexual. People make fun of him which makes it better. “Leanne likes Suede. But Suede needs to stop talking in third person.” Yay Leanne. She’s making shapes so her dress will stand out, since two other people have the same fabric. Kenley thinks it’s too much. Wesley is pleating, and Korto is also doing pleating so she kind of is worried. She’s worried they’ll look the same, but they totally don’t. Stella sneers that you shouldn’t look at other people’s work because it just distracts you. Good advice that would be more effective if it wasn’t delivered in such a bitchy way by a person who was almost eliminated.

Tim time! Kenley has a belt; Tim is unconcerned. Korto tells him she’s worried about if the darts will work, since her dress looks inside out. He says it won’t matter because they won’t see it, and she has to tell him that he’s looking at the outside of the dress. So instead of lines of stitches along the seams there are strips of fabric, just like on the inside of your clothes. Tim has to take a few moments to absorb this, and then he goes “OH!” in this fake way so you know he thinks it’s a bad idea. He says if it’s not perfection it will be a hot mess. Suede has strips of red and cream all over the entire bodice. And a circle skirt. It’s not woven, or anything, it looks like he just threw it together. Tim says he’s excited but his face says “I smell a fart.” Wesley has pleats on the hips, and cut outs. It has to be perfect too, the satin will show everything. Leanne has a different look with the same fabric, with strips that loop around. She has a lot going on and needs to edit. Except that she doesn’t want to. Tim lets everyone know that there is no immunity; however the winner will get to sell their dress on Bluefly. Nice. Also he says that “one of Hollywood’s hot young stars” will be their guest judge, but they’ll find out tomorrow who that is.

This week’s poll: Which is crazier? Blayne’s tanorexia, Stella’s leather fetish, or Suede’s using the third person? (Kmanpat: “D. Wesley’s not being at my house right now, in his waistcoat and shorts.”)

Daniel is really hoping he can just get done. Lots of flailing. Stella complains about her fabric, and says she just wants to work with leather. All the time. Keith and Blayne roll their eyes. Dude, BLAYNE is mocking you. He’s in the sewing room saying stuff like “My kids came out of me leather” except that he’s so damn loud Stella can totally hear him. They hug and make up but I bet she gets him later.

Wesley shirtless! Sorry. It’s the next morning and Daniel isn’t done. Keith has a tank top on. Oh, like you really cared about everyone saying how important today is.

Someone breaks their zipper. Daniel’s bodice and skirt are not attached to each other. Korto is glad she‘s not the only one freaking out. Tim comes in and is very concerned and says they’re making him a wreck. Jerell…for some reason Jerell is wearing a woman’s tank top. I’m serious, it’s really low cut and men’s tank tops are not that low cut. If he was a girl he wouldn’t be able to wear a bra. Model time! Stella says her model loves her dress. Everyone gets their hair and makeup done and Daniel is still sewing. Wesley’s fit is bad, and it shows. Suede says something but I tune him out. Daniel gets done. Korto will be glad to just be safe.

Heidi appears and reminds everyone about the challenge and whatnot, and introduces the guest judge: Natalie Portman. She looks really cute. Apparently she is an activist and has a vegan shoe collection. Vegan shoes have no leather, and I believe no silk either. Show time! Keith: halter top and a bubble skirt, with a lot of draping. Gee, it looks like…his dress from last week. I even looked it up, it’s the same silhouette. I mean, it looks good, and this is real champagne fabric and not a plastic tablecloth, but still. The skirt hangs strangely, but not so poorly I think he’ll get in trouble. Terri: navy fitted dress with a dark belt. Along the neckline is a pleated ruffle that makes the dress more interesting, which it needs. Wesley: it’s a hot mess. It’s really short, and is gathered strangely, and you can definitely tell it doesn’t fit right. Jerell: so short I fear his model will have a wardrobe malfunction. There’s a halter top with a collar, which doesn’t quite fit her bust properly, in a periwinkle, and then the skirt is the same fabric with panels down the sides in a darker blue print. The hem is lined with peacock feathers and she’s got giant earrings. I thought Keith had the feathers? Jennifer: orange and gray, with a fuller skirt that comes to the knee. It’s totally something I would wear. Daniel: black baby doll dress, that’s longer in the back. It’s pretty boring but looks decent. Joe: a very simple sheath dress with a cutout in the front, right under where her bra strap would be. So…not low enough to be her bellybutton but not high enough to be a keyhole. Without it his dress would be pretty boring, though. Suede: the top looks like he took a red bodice and taped strips over it and then the skirt is short with netting underneath. Not only does it look half assed but it doesn’t look like the bodice fits at all. Kenley: sheath dress with a poofy collar. The collar stands up so it’s not floppy. Kelli: there’s a blue bodice with cream sleeves. Not sleeves, exactly, it’s like she has a cropped vest on, with pleats. And a cream skirt. Upon further inspection the bodice is asymmetrical, so one boob is blue and the other is cream. Eh. Oh, but the back has one tie at the neck and the other in the middle of her back, with gold bric-a-brac dangling down past her ass. Leanne: the loops in her bodice turned out well, since they lie flat and look like pleats. However she also put loops on her model’s ass so that’s not good. Also I think her model has a loop on her head. Stella: it’s a plain dress with a very short skirt, except that it’s got an asymmetrical neckline, with one long sleeve and the other arm bare. It’s pretty 80’s, is what it reminds me of. And there are ties up the sides. Blayne: one shoulder, in pink, with big loops that go from that shoulder over the opposite arm, and a panel on one side of black. It actually doesn’t suck. Emily: black and white, with braded trim and belt. Blah. Korto: very fitted, with her inside out look so the seams show, but she left these wings along her hips that I’m sure she’s going to get in trouble for.

Heidi calls Keith, Terri, Jerell, Jennifer, Daniel, Joe, Kelli, Blayne, and Emily, and tells them they’re safe. God there are a lot of people on this damn season. Kenley gets to start, so she talks about the silk, and how it’s clean and simple. Her model loves it. Nina loves the simplicity and the high collar. Kenley jokes that it’s couture since she sewed the collar by hand. Natalie thinks it’s adult, and Kors loves the belt. Wesley is next, and as he’s talking about how he was limited in the fabric he had, they pan up his dress so you can see how horrid it looks. You can see every wrinkle, and he’s got diagonal pieces along her hips. Natalie likes the bow tie but it sucks otherwise. The bottom hem is wavy and it’s overworked. Kors calls it “crazy short”, and Nina says that “shiny, tight, and short” equals cheap. Stella wanted to make it hers, and since she ignored her model they love it. Even though her dress is certainly shiny, tight, and short. Korto: she loved the fabric, and she wanted to accentuate the curves. They like the top, but Natalie doesn’t like the inside out look. The pieces on the side looks like wings, and Kors says he loves a curvy girl (unlikely) but “even curvy girls, they don’t want fins on their butts.” Heh. Suede explains his strips and whatever. Natalie loves it and wants it. Oh God, they like it. Kors does point out that he’s got the same champagne fabric as everyone and it doesn’t look like it. That is true. But I think it looks ridiculous. Leanne’s dress has pockets I didn’t notice before. The model says the dress is not what she pictured. Uh oh. There is too much going on and it’s all over the place.

Likes: Stella (fits well, shows Stella’s designer viewpoint), Suede (right dress on the right girl, not overworked), Kenley (the only one to use the fabric right, elegant, has personality). Hates: Wesley (overworked, too tight), Korto (fins, she used the fabric wrong), Leanne (all over the place, she also used the fabric wrong, bad judgment). Backstage Leanne is pretty distraught already.

Stella is in. The winner is Suede. Barf. How are they going to mass produce that dress? It’s going to look cheap and crappy. Kenley is in. Korto is in. She’s in tears because she worked so hard. Wesley’s design was unflattering and the fit was poor. Leanne had too many ideas and presented a school project. Leanne is in. No! Not Wesley! Man. He’s glad to just have made it on the show. He’s going to keep designing.

Next week: field trip, which involves ponchos. They seem to be wandering the streets. With digital cameras. No one listens to Tim. The ponchos seem to be because it’s raining and they have to take to the streets for inspiration. Are we just going to repeat challenges from previous seasons? (Kmanpat: “I have to go now and imagine I’m comforting Wesley after his elimination.”)
Clicky clicky

Project Runway 7/16/08--"Let's Start From the Beginning" summary

Hello everyone! Welcome back to “Project Runway”! Did you forget it was on early? Because Bravo is mad they’re moving to Lifetime? Oh, come on, if they weren’t moving, there would be no reason to rush this season and they could wait until “Shear Genius” is over so it could have the usual time slot. (By the way, you should watch “Shear Genius” because it’s highly entertaining.) Also the long, long delay in getting the bios up, and the fact that none of the commercials have any of the designers in them, all that is being blamed on the “rushed” production schedule. There are so many theories out there. Frankly, I can’t bring myself to care about any of them. It’s not like I was going to refuse to watch this season or something. But I must admit to not being very excited about it. (click for more)

No musical intro? Jerell Scott, 28, started modeling and in order to afford cool clothes he started making them. Very cocky. Cute though. Blayne Walsh, 23. Oh, get a haircut. He’s a barista. Actually, he works at a coffee shop but does not say he’s a barista so he’s not even that. And he’s obsessed with tanning. Maybe he’ll be a stoner. Joe Faris, 41. He does not get to talk. Stella Zotis, 42. She seems to be like Jeffery, making clothes for rockers. She wants to step out of leather and denim, as she enters the apartments in her striped tights. Jennifer Diederich, who seems to live in Italy. She describes her style as “Holly Golightly in a Salvador Dali exhibit.” If you don’t know who Holly Golightly is, she is Audrey Hepburn’s character in “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” and she’s a prostitute. Her clothes do look cute though. Kelly Martin, 27, thinks she’s Vivienne Westwood crossed with Betsey Johnson. Another rocker chick. In Columbus Ohio. Terri Stevens, 39. Does not get to talk. Jerry Tam, 32, has his own company. All his clothes in his store are black. Some guy in ANOTHER FAUXHAWK… “Suede”? Really? That’s the name you want to be known by? At 37 years old? Suede has a fauxhawk, but to his credit, the sides seem really short. But then he loses his points by coloring the hawk part blue. If you’re going to do that, just go all out. Oh GOD and he talks about himself in the third person. I hate him already. Keith Bryce, 26. He doesn’t say much but I don’t mind at all since he’s pretty cute. (Kmanpat: “He should just stand there and look pretty.”) Korto Momolu, 33, who is originally from Liberia. Is she another Zulema? It’s hard to say. Leanne Marshall, 27. I like her clothes, lots of pleats and details, and she thinks she’s “the silent fashion assassin”. Emily Brandle, 27. Daniel Feld, 25. Another Daniel. Wesley Nault, 23. Ooohhhhhh. He is tasty. (Kmanpat: *drool*) Joe gets to talk now, and has daughters, and appears to be the token straight male. Everyone gets notes that they magically didn’t notice until now, and they’re off to the roof.

Heidi and Tim are waiting up on the roof, to welcome everyone and tell us things we already know. Tim calls them the most “diverse” group ever, but not the most “talented”. Heidi asks if Tim thinks they’re ready for the first challenge, and they’re all like, bring it on! But she says, just kidding losers! Now is party time! Everyone is secretly relieved. Tim pops open the champagne and the cork goes off the roof. Hee. Emily schmoozes with Tim. Terri says she’s really fast and that will get her far. Keith kisses Heidi’s ass a lot. No, really. He says that when he designs he asks himself if Heidi would wear it, and if not then it’s into the trash. I’m not talking about people’s clothes they’re showing, unless they’re really cool or really sketchy. Kenley Collins, 27. She’s rocking the retro look with really red lipstick and dark bangs. She says her aesthetic is loud. Daniel owns birds. There’s a dress where the skirt has a lot of square pieces or folds, and each one looks like a playing card. It’s subtle enough that it’s cool and not costumey.

At 4am the doorbells begin to ring. Tim gets to bother them. Hee. Now everyone is in a frenzy. One of the boys is in really short shorts. Not like, hot pants, but shorts that are like, mid-thigh. Tim takes them to Gristedes Mega Store, which supposedly is where the very first challenge ever took place, the one with the cornhusk dress. And now is the special guest: Austin Scarlett. In a hat and ascot. Girl looks fab. Everyone gets $75 and 30 minutes. Then they have until midnight to complete the look. Tim releases them and they run across the street with no concern for cars. Items chosen: shower curtains (Jerry), mop heads (Terri), bell peppers and kale (Korto), trash bags (Stella). Running. It’s Wesley that has the shorts on. (Me: “Kmanpat, don’t you have those shorts?” Kmanpat: “Yes, and I look damn hot in them, so shush.”)

Work time! Suede declares this challenge “whack a doodle”. Tim tells them on each table is a card with info about the model they’ve been assigned. Winner gets immunity. 11 hours left, make it work. Joe’s theme is Italian, which includes dried pasta and oven mitts. And tomato can labels. That doesn’t sound costumey at all. Kelli has vacuum cleaner bags, which she wants to either dye or bleach. She thinks it’ll be pretty ugly in a great way. Yeah. Daniel has plastic cups and muslin. He’s cutting the rims of the cups, then he’s melting them with an iron to mold, and then laying them over muslin. Jerell tells us that all he hears out of Blaine is words ending in “licious” and he can take that crap back home. Leanne says a lot of people have tablecloths, and it makes her nervous. I would think that you’d want to stand out. Jerry says people are using crap. I guess he’s better than that; I’m sure he’s using tablecloths. Stella’s trash bags suck, because I guess she bought the store brand. So she’s worried about that since she needs them.
Jerell thinks it would be hilarious if they had to repeat this challenge. Heh. Someone kisses fabric and pins the pieces onto their dress. I’m not sure who it was. Tim time! Blaine starts us off by introducing Tim to “Girlicious”. Lord. There’s black…and some weird woven oblong piece…not very much is done. Tim admits he’s not bored. He was going for obnoxious. I see. Tim does look disturbed. Daniel has a wow factor going on with the plastic cups, but so far he‘s barely got enough for a bikini top. Kelli’s vacuum cleaner bags look like marbleized paper and are fabulous. Stella complains about her garbage bags. Tim says the judges don’t want to see that anyway. Suede has a simple shift dress made of a tablecloth, and “doggie bags”. Tim asks if the belt is correct for the dress, Suede worries that without the belt it’s just a tablecloth, and Tim is like, yeah, you should worry about that. Seriously. A belt doesn’t help you that much. Korto has a yellow tablecloth, which is cut into bell sleeves and a long skirt. She wants to use the kale as jewels, which is good because she needs something. Jerry has a tablecloth and a shower curtain. It’s just shapeless and white right now. Keith has another tablecloth, which at least is in a dress with a halter top and a poofy skirt. Tim has had enough and announces to the room how disappointed he is that he’s seeing a lot of tablecloths, and they went to the grocery store so they could use untraditional and unexpected. Then he calls them all slackers. Well, technically he says that the judges will say that. Bu you know he was thinking it. After Tim leaves everyone freaks out. No one wants to lose, Jerry especially.

Leanne is going to try to cover her tablecloth with other things. Jerry was only going to do a raincoat, but now he’s decided to do a dress underneath. Best get going. Terry has braided her mop heads so it looks like a sweater. Blayne is the first one done, with his wickity-wack garment. Stella starts declaring that she’s going to make a fool of herself and be eliminated, and Jerell is like, start duct taping trash bags! She continues to tell everyone she’s getting sent home, and everyone tells her to be quiet. She thinks if she’s first out she’ll be the biggest jackass of the nation. Oh, honey. You’d have to try harder than that.

In the morning we are treated to Wesley shirtless. Ah. The girls worry about Nina but not Kors. Hee. Stella has nothing on her dress form. She’s got some kind of a plan, though. Tim sends in the models and gives them an hour. Wow, short. I was planning to try to name models, but then I remember that last season every other challenge didn’t have the models in it. I see a lot of models being sewn into things. Korto frantically attaches produce.

Runway time! Kors, Nina, and Austin get introduced. Nina is now an “editor at large”. Austin wears a suit and somehow still manages to look like a girl. Emily: very short tan dress, with a large blue collar that I think is made of balloons and the remains of one of those giant rubber balls that they always have in cages. It looks cool, actually. She’s left the trim along the edges of the tablecloth as the hem of the dress. Jerell: one shoulder fitted bodice, made of a lawn chair with trim of cocktail paper umbrellas, and a fringy skirt from a tablecloth. And a Koosh ball on the shoulder. Leanne: pink bubble hem dress, covered in candy. With coffee filters as like a lace detail. It reminds me of a dress that someone would make out of chocolate, as a gimmick. Korto: long yellow dress, which is cool, and the tomatoes and kale down one side of the neckline as an accent. It looks like a real dress. Jennifer: paper towels and lipstick. It’s strapless with a tiered skirt, and the lipstick kisses are like trim. It’s a little too cute, but in terms of construction it’s good. Daniel: it’s a plastic dress. It’s a nice silhouette but it’s plastic. Terri: her mop tops ended up looking like a knit sweater, but it’s obvious she just wrapped the tablecloth around her hips for a skirt. Suede: Oh, honey, it still looks like a table cloth. It’s coming below her knee which doesn’t help, and the dog bags are attached all over. Blah. Stella: still a trash bag, which she is calling a dress, even though it’s a long skirt and a long piece of fabric draped over the model’s boobs and tucked in the skirt. The skirt is so low you can pretty much see what kind of wax job the poor girl has. Joe: holy crap. I take back my comments. The oven mitts make a top, and they’ve been cut down so they don’t look like oven mitts, and the skirt has muslin but he’s used tri color pasta so at first it looks like a print. It’s really cute. Kenley: I’m not sure if that’s a strapless top or if the girl has her own bra on, but the skirt is interesting. Like a flap, over the front, but not an apron. Jerry: the raincoat fits horribly, and the cape part just gets thrown over her head and is attached at the back. It really is poorly fitted. Wesley: it’s a yellow strapless dress made out of a tablecloth. It’s saved by the plastic cups and flyswatters he cut up and made a strap out of. I will admit it looks like a real dress. Blayne: sigh. It’s a swimsuit, apparently, made of shelf liners. The top has a lot of volume, and on her stomach is a piece woven from jump ropes. It just looks stupid, is all. Kelli: I like the a-line skirt, and the interesting patterns, but on top it’s two coffee filters opened up and placed over her breasts. You could not make a bigger “LOOK AT ME” sign for her chest. Keith: still a halter top with a poofy skirt. Now with netting.
Heidi calls forward Daniel, Jerry, Korto, Stella, Kelli, and Blayne. Everyone else is safe. Daniel gets to start. Austin loves that his material isn’t a fabric substitute. He took a chance, and it’s really creative and they all love it. Jerry’s mini dress under the raincoat kind of sucks too. There’s lavender, and some kind of netting. Kors is freaked out and says the dress is a Handi-wipe gone wrong. Jerry thinks it could be worn out for a night on the town. Nina and Austin are bored. Korto explains her produce = jewels ideas. Of course Austin likes the produce. Nina thinks it looks impeccable. Stella says she just sewed and draped. Everyone is bored with this one too. Heidi nails it by saying it just looks like she did something because he had to. Kelli’s bust coffee filters were burnt to make a pattern, and she actually has a hook-and-eye closure on the back, made from a spiral bound notebook. Nice. Kors thinks girls will want to wear it. Now is time for Blayne. He says the last thing he wanted to do was bore the judges and they snicker as they promise him they aren’t bored. Heidi labels it “Playboy bunny gone grunge”. Kors says it’s not pretty and Blayne’s face falls.

Loves: Kelli (actually pretty and a lot of work), Daniel (sexy plastic dress out of something unexpected; he has confidence), Korto (loses points for the tablecloths but the overall picture is wonderful). Austin also likes that Korto is the only one who used fresh produce, ignoring the fact that if someone tried to make a dress out of produce they’d be condemned for copying. Hates: Stella (ugly and boring), Jerry (weird looking and appealing to small children, or if you were killing people), Blayne (looked like a diaper and was hideous).

Korto is in. Kelli is the winner and gets immunity. Daniel is in, of course. Blayne is in. Great, another week of crazy. Jerry’s look was not wearable and memorable in a bad way. Stella took the easy way out and it still sucked. Jerry is out. He says it was a rollercoaster. I’m a designer, my clothes are good, etc.

This season: lots of flailing, Tim Gunn calls something gay, lots of fighting. Tim says “Holla atcha boy!” which is hilarious. Kors calls something slutty.
Clicky clicky

Top Chef 6/18/08--"Reunion" summary

It’s reunion show time! Woo! Oh, when will “Top Chef” learn from “Project Runway” and not let Andy Cohen anywhere near them? I dislike him so much.(click for more)

First things first: Richard isn’t at the reunion. It looks like they filmed this soon after the finale because his wife hasn’t given birth yet, and he’s at home with her. Andy starts by replaying the moment Stephanie wins. She’s so cute. She says it didn’t feel real. Ted says she always looked like she was about to be killed, until something good happened. Andy asks how shocked everyone was when Richard said he choked, so we have to watch that. Gail was surprised he said it, but Tom and Ted agree that it’s Richard’s personality to do something like that. Antonia nods. Now we have to let Lisa talk about how she was confident and did she think she won? Oh, I’m OK with losing to Stephanie. Whatever. Tom asks a good question of Stephanie: would you rather be “winner of season 4”? Or “first female Top Chef”? Good question. Stephanie would rather just be the winner of season 4, she doesn’t want people to think she won just because she’s a girl. She’s going to open a restaurant with the money. Yay!

Viewer question time! What is it like watching yourselves? Any regrets? Oh, you might as well have tacked the LISA on the end of that. Dale wouldn’t have made scallops in butterscotch sauce. Padma says she regrets that too. Hee. Jen wishes she hadn’t said “phallus” so much and made smaller croutons. Heh. She says Padma’s face was priceless. Andy prompts them to keep talking, and Spike says the bath was too hot. Andy of course if very interested in cute boys in the bath together, even though Mark plays it down. Ted declares it “man soup” and says “Nice”. (Me and Kmanpat: “Agreed.“) Then he uses the horrid word “bromance”. Ugh, it’s Ben and Ronnie all over again. Stop forcing your fantasies on us. We get the clip of them in the tub together. Spike is sculpting things out of bubbles. Now…Dale and Richard? Huh? Dale is in the kitchen, announcing that “someone” watched him put lotion on this morning. Shot of Dale in the bathroom rubbing himself and sticking his tongue out. Right. Cut back to the kitchen and Richard telling him he has gorgeous nipples. Dale jokes about it. These reunion shows just get stupider every year. Now we have Andrew and Spike, and I don’t remember them flirting at all, just sharing a brain, which isn’t the same thing. (Kmanpat: “Hey, we share a brain!” Me: “Speak for yourself, but I have all of my brain.”) I don’t know that this is a “bromance” so much as it is dorks finding like minded dorks. Then Andrew contradicts me by saying that while he isn’t gay he’d let Spike bang him. I missed Andrew’s nonsensical sound bites. Back in the studio, Mark says he got married (dang) and that he’ll be in the country for a while.

Now we have to talk about the real relationship of Jen and Zoe. Do we get to count all the times Jen said she was doing it for Zoe? They tried to be fair and not support each other too much. Some viewer asked how they felt about Spike’s attitude, and Jen said that on the show they had no idea. Spike of course claims he has no problems, and Andy is quick to remind him that he said he thought they had an unfair advantage. Well…that’s not the same as saying you have a problem with their relationship. Zoe thinks they both would have been better had the other one not been there. Now, respond to the internet rumors that you’ve split up! Far, far too long of a pause. Jen finally says they’ve gone through some “bumps” and Zoe refuses to discuss it. Translation: We split up.

Someone says Spike was their favorite because he “played the game”. If by “play the game” you mean “be an asshat”, then I agree. Andy makes us watch the asshattery. They leave out the parts where it totally backfires on him. Stephanie says she’s worked with cocky a**holes, but in the end he’s trying to win. A few people think he might win fan favorite, but since they just featured him in a montage, I’m going to say no.

Montage of people’s nightmares. Apparently people were having nightmares about the show. Dale had one about lamb, Richard’s told he’s on the bottom before he knows the challenge, Spike is wandering the store with no idea what is going on. Didn’t that really happen? Jen dreams that Tom is staring her down, and there’s this great shot of Tom with this dead-eyed stare, all creepy. Richard dreamed he was having sex with his wife and Mark walked in. Hee. Mark refuses to share. All of them say they still have nightmares. They all woke up terrified every day, every time. A lot of them had watched the show, but the reality was super different. Generally that’s how that works.

Andy says that some of them would say anything to try to save a bad dish, and by “some of them” he means “Ryan”. Montage of Ryan babbling and everyone looking irritated. I do kind of remember that. Various contestants say he talks a lot. That fade-in and fade-out edit they do to make it seem like a person talked for hours. He won’t answer Andy’s questions. Ha.

Some viewer asks about “the curse of Casey”, and I’m not sure what that means. Andy agrees with the viewer that this curse was passed onto Antonia. Antonia doesn’t know what they’re talking about either. People are clapping. OH! I remember. Any time Casey would say that a person was her best friend, that person would get eliminated. Montage. Lisa fills us in that Antonia’s nickname is “The Black Hammer”. The difference here is that when you have a season with so many team challenges, being on her team was the kiss of death. Andy tries to start a fight by asking Valerie if she thought Antonia threw her under the bus by saying she’d hire Stephanie over her, and she said she did at the time. And then we never mention it again. Andy discovers several people who think Antonia could be fan favorite. You fools! We just had her montage!

Now we have to tolerate another “viewer” question. I put “viewer” in quotes because she asks what the Stew Room is. Are you kidding me? How can you watch the show and not know what the Stew Room is? Andrew sums it up nicely in two quotes: “the fifth level of hell”, and “the dirtiest, nastiest bar ever with people you may or may not like.” Montage of Stew Room outtakes. They aren’t that great, although I think the contestants are playing Scattergories, or something, because Stephanie is asking for “things you find at the zoo.” To which Antonia replies “Hookers.” Hee! Now they’re wrapping Mark in saran wrap. And hiding in a hot box and shouting about cooking hobbits. Oh wait, Tony Bourdain outtakes! “Are we over?” “No, then we have to smash the hopes and dreams of the losers.” Tony should be on more. Mark playing on a giant roll of plastic like a didgeridoo and the judges looking over that way confused. Andy reveals that in between camera changes and during down time Gail took naps. New montage of judges being super critical and saying mean tings about everyone. Nothing new. But it’s kind of fun.
Reader question: who is the toughest judge to impress? Spike jumps in and says Tony Bourdain: he’s well spoken and quick with the words. Agreed.

Now we have the part of the show where the contestants get to challenge the judges on whatever they want. Lisa asks if her groom’s cake was really that ugly. Yes. Yes it was. A question about the scales Richard left on his fish, and why that got by. Apparently not everyone had scales, but everyone had the nasty mushrooms Zoe made. I think it was Zoe. Tom says he’ll stand by all decisions. However, Tom wasn’t around when Dale got eliminated, and as it turns out, he disagreed with the decision. But he’s quick to clarify that based on what he saw, he disagrees: Lisa screwed up two dishes, Dale screwed up one. Ted asks Dale if he feels wronged, and Dale says when he screws up a dish in the restaurant it’s on his head. He’s OK with it.

Now is the time to call Lisa to task for her bitchy attitude. Back in the studio she seems to be amused. People are giving her nasty looks on the street. Shocking. Apparently she was at some party and these two girls, after watching her for a while, finally came over and said they were afraid to introduce themselves because she looked like such a bitch. Oh, you laugh now. But she said “looked” not “seem”. It makes me think that she was standing there scowling and not inviting anyone to talk to her. She goes on to say that in the “real world” she has no problems taking criticism, as long as you tell her why. Then Andy makes Andrew talk about how Lisa threw him under the bus. He says he was disappointed because to him it was desperation and unnecessary. Lisa agrees and says she regretted it, but does not say she apologized. Well, that was a bust. No one called her on anything. P.S., I could totally afford to eat at your restaurant, not that I ever will, so bite me.

Andrew montage! Everyone thinks he’s on drugs! But first he says that there’s a lot of talk about ADD and that’s so odd because he hasn’t played Advanced Dungeons and Dragons for years. Ha! Such a goofball. Ryan says that if he was on drugs he couldn’t come up with the stuff Andrew does. He sings while prepping. Lots of flailing. Getting stuck in the football helmet, which was so great. And we finish with the culinary boner. Somehow Andy must share that he thinks there’s something between Andrew and Gail. No one cares that much.

According to Andy it’s a “Top Chef tradition” that they make a T-shirt each season with a quote. Did they make one last year? I only remember “I’m not your bitch, bitch!” Oh, and they had “Oh, big time!” for CJ, even though he never really said it that much that we saw. I guess season 2 didn’t really say anything they wanted to put into print. Andy tells Spike to reveal this season’s shirt, which he does by stripping. “I have a culinary boner”. Well, that’s good and inappropriate. Could Andrew be the fan favorite? “I have a f***ing T-shirt!” Indeed.

Top Chef fights. Blah. #4: Dale vs. Spike, when they had that team challenge when Dale did all the work and Spike called him a little bitch. #3: Lisa vs. Dale, the stupid argument they had about the rice. #2: Lisa vs. Andrew, when she threw him under the bus. #1: the melee of Spike, Antonia, and Jen, after Zoe lost, with a little Lisa/Dale thrown in for good measure. Andy was confused by the last fight. Why? It makes sense. Jen says she was in the middle of the fight and all of a sudden Dale is fighting and she was confused. Antonia is left to explain to Andy, who apparently doesn’t watch the show.

Several comments about the amount of swearing, from viewers who use the phrase “toilet mouths” and for some reason think people who swear shouldn’t touch their food. Montage of cursing, but it’s all bleeped so it’s no fun. But Andrew says “Cheers, bitches” and they leave it alone. Dale says his mom called him because all of her church was rooting for him and he cursed a lot. Padma was shocked at the stuff that happened backstage. They all vented during confessionals, because the producers is unbiased, so that’s where a lot of the cursing took place. Tom just reminds them that they need to think about if this is how they want to be portrayed.

Andy says Richard is close to coming on, so now is the montage of “our Willy Wonka”. Oh, the peach and sweet tea glazed pizza. I have to say, that sounded really weird but also I really want to try it and I don’t like peaches. Now we get a live feed of Richard. He’s all tired because I guess his wife went into false later last night. He’s just opened a new restaurant in Atlanta. Now he’s forced to talk about telling Dale he had gorgeous nipples. And he doesn’t really say anything, so now he explains that at the end he over thought, forced some things, and just didn’t make it. He knows the final challenge he didn’t make the best meal of his life, and he doesn’t seem to regret saying that. Andy says Bravo got Richard a baby gift, and he should open it now. Andrew asks if it’s a culinary boner t-shirt. No, just a “Top Chef” onesie. Aww. Barf.

Fan Favorite time! Everyone speculates. Tom says Lisa won’t win. Heh. Stephanie wins! She says dinner and drinks are on her. Andy is like, this never happens! There have only been 4 seasons. I don’t think they had fan favorite the first season, possibly not the second. Shut up, Andy. Stephanie montage, with everyone talking about how awesome she is.

Advice for next season. Nothing you couldn’t guess at. They make Tom say this is the most talented group of chefs ever. Woo! We’re done! Thanks to everyone for reading all season! I’ll be back with “Project Runway” and possibly a few comments on “Shear Genius”. See you later!
Clicky clicky

Top Chef 6/11/08--"Finale pt. 2" summary

Previously on Top Chef: The final 4 went to Puerto Rico to cook fritters and also whole pigs. Richard made wonderful dishes and won a car. Stephanie recovered nicely from Dale leaving her pork belly out on a shelf overnight, and she was also in the top. Antonia and Lisa did not do so well, but in what seems to be the theme of the season, Lisa survives to cook in the final. I get that she seems to be lucky, and also that other people screw up at the exact wrong time. I mean, I understand things like getting rid of Dale. That’s fine and all but it doesn’t stop me from not liking her. I’ve found one single blog that defends her. One. And it really just says not to judge her based on what we see on TV. To which I say, reality television has been around long enough that you have to know there’s the chance you will look bad. Also I don’t feel the need to be nice because Lisa’s been quoted in an interview as saying she doesn’t read blogs because she doesn’t care about what people who can’t afford to eat at her restaurant think of her. Also that none of us know anything about food. Who exactly do you think reads blogs? Could it be that some of them might have money and know food? You can dismiss bloggers and claim you don’t read about yourself because it’s upsetting, but it’s probably not a good idea to insult them, especially since they don’t really like you to begin with. In addition I would eat ramen noodles for a month if it meant I could eat at Perilla.
(click for more)

Also we’re reminded of how Lisa demanded congratulations from Richard and Stephanie after Antonia had left. You can’t be all, “I’m not here to make friends, everyone has a negative attitude” and then whine about how no one likes you.

In the morning the final 3 sit outside to have breakfast. It looks like eggs benedict. Mmm. Also mimosas. Stephanie wants to be the first female Top Chef. Richard wants the money for his family, and he says Lisa has a bad attitude and isn’t a leader, and doesn’t deserve to win. Lisa at least knows she just barely made it by the skin of her teeth, but she feels that even though Richard and Stephanie have won far more challenges than she, she’s about to beat them.

Everyone goes to meet Padma, Tom, and April Bloomfield, Dan Barber, and Eric Ripert. Eric Ripert shouldn’t still be bleaching his hair. Everyone is suitably impressed. Tom announces the final challenge, which shouldn’t be too surprising: 4 course meal, tasting portions, traditional sequence: fish, poultry, meat, dessert. Yes, Tom says, you must do a dessert. Lisa says she doesn’t eat cake. Each of the famous chefs has different proteins in front of them, so I guess when you pick your sous chef you pick your proteins. Padma says the original plan was to have the chef that won the most elimination challenges pick first, but after Richard won this last time there’s a tie between him and Stephanie so the knife block makes one last appearance. Stephanie gets to go first, so she takes Eric. Richard picks Dan, which leaves Lisa with April. They have 3 hours today and 4 hours tomorrow to cook and will serve head to head.

Lisa is going back to Asian, because she is “naturally pretty damn good” at it. April does not cook Asian, but Lisa has a plan so she‘s not concerned. Lisa is thrilled to work with her and says their personalities are really similar. She seems like she’s in a much better mood today. Richard’s concept is his “journey” which means classical training plus molecular gastronomy. He claims he doesn’t know what he’s doing since they just got the challenge, but he should have been thinking of possible dishes ever since he went home. Dan says he has no idea what all Richard has going, but he doesn’t think Richard does either. Stephanie is keeping the balance, and Eric seems to approve. The sous chefs tease each other, since it’s been a while since they’ve followed anyone else’s directions. Stephanie hovers but quickly learns that Eric knows what he’s doing. Much cooking. Richard has brought liquid nitrogen as his “special ingredient”. So he can make Tabasco sauce ice cream for oysters. Or something. Awesome. Lisa says that’s not her, she cooks simple food with minimal ingredients, but I have to say that Asian food can have very long ingredient lists. Eric seems interested and Richard points out, rightly so, that being able to teach Eric Ripert something is f***ing cool. Stephanie notices that Lisa is getting along with April, which she finds odd because Lisa has had serious problems getting along with everyone, “as some people might remember.“ Hee. Lisa says if you’re happy your food tastes better. How have you gotten this far then? Also her tone of voice as she says she gets along with April implies the other two are arguing, which they don’t seem to be doing. At the end of the day, Richard hasn’t finished anything. Stephanie says she’ll just do the best she can, while Lisa says she’s been waiting for this. She sounds more confident than Stephanie, which bodes well if you can believe the editing.

In the morning none of the sous chefs are around, but everyone seems to just start working anyway. Tom comes by to tell them that the sous chefs are not coming, and that the judges want to make sure they “live and die by [their] own hand”. That…seems to be unnecessarily evil. I mean, would it be so much worse if they told them up front that the sous chefs would only be there one day? They all are used to chefs not showing up to work, although Richard implies that he’d fire a chef that did that. Lisa’s personality is in your face spicy and bold. Right. The most interesting thing on her menu is black Thai rice pudding. Richard is making bacon ice cream. And his banana scallops. Again. Also, bacon ice cream’s been done. He’s telling a story, although without the oysters and Tabasco ice cream he was talking about yesterday. Stephanie has ricotta pound cake which sounds really good. Given the choice she’d rather not have dessert.

Tom tries to ask Richard about what’s going on, and not only does Richard make it clear that he’s super busy right now, but he won’t give Tom any solid answers. Stephanie has only tried her pound cake once before but it was very good. Lisa is calm. Tom thinks Richard might be doing too much, Lisa’s attitude could help her, Stephanie should have known she’d need a dessert and should have worked it more than once. Richard tells us that if you use liquid nitrogen to make ice cream, it doesn’t make ice crystals so it’s super good. Actually, that makes sense. He insists it’s not just about the show. Stephanie says her cake sucks. Lisa tells her that she’s said that before and won, so shut up. Lisa then interviews that Stephanie is too hard on herself. It just feels…fake. Like, I get that when people say they suck, and then win things, that’s really annoying. But saying that you’re annoyed because she sells herself short and actually is awesome, rather than that her modesty is annoying to you? Richard makes a comment about how tense it is, Stephanie agrees, and Lisa is like, tense? I’m not tense! And Richard is like, whatever. She says she just wondered why no one was talking and Richard rolls his eyes. Richard plates with giant tweezers and says he’s the best here. Lisa wants to be the first female Top Chef. Stephanie is not as concerned about the money as the title.

The sous chefs are at dinner, talking about following other peoples’ directions for once. The three finalists come out to meet all of the diners: the sous chefs, Alfredo Ayala, Tim Zagat (!), Gail, Ted, Tom. Richard goes first to explain himself: he’s named all the courses. Of course. This meal is about his journey. Lisa has Vietnamese and Thai. Somehow it will shock people. Stephanie likes mixing up proteins and flavors. Also she likes fruit. (Kmanpat: “Yay fruit!”)

Fish course: grilled prawns with chili basil sauce and crab, and homemade potato chips from Lisa; seared red snapper over truffled clam and asparagus broth, with asparagus salad from Stephanie; scallop with mango and pineapple vinegar from Richard (which is titled “You Are Here“). Dan says he doesn’t even recognize Richard’s dish. Zagat wants it simpler. Lisa’s texture is good, but the sauce is really strong. Stephanie’s is elegant and has a delicate flavor. It seems to be the best.

Poultry course: tom kha gai (coconut soup with chicken) and dumplings from Lisa; seared quail breast over lobster ravioli, mango lobster sauce, and quail egg from Stephanie. “Which Came First?” from Richard, which is guinea hen, sous vide chicken egg, and foie gras. Richard’s ingredients kind of blend together, although it‘s complex. Lisa’s soup was delicious and everyone seems to want more. Stephanie seasoned her food well, but the leeks are undercooked and irrelevant.

Meat course: Lisa has Wagyu beef marinated in coriander oyster sauce, chayote and cucumber salad, hot sauce and garlic chips. Stephanie: lamb and maitake mushrooms, braised pistachios, blackberry and olive tapenade. Pickled radishes, mirin broth, and pork belly from Richard, titled “Be the Bacon“. Richard’s food isn’t seasoned, and his pickled radish is the most flavorful thing. It’s not crispy. Yeah, shouldn’t pork belly be crispy? Lisa’s beef isn’t tender and the sauce is really sweet, in that it’s the prawn sauce, just sweeter. Stephanie’s dish is surprising. Everyone wanted to hate the olives but they all love it. Eric points out that they’re using the word “love”. Stephanie wins this round.

Dessert course: black Thai rice pudding with lime and mango cream, crispy taro sticks, and caramelized coconut from Lisa; ricotta pound cake with tropical fruit and banana cream from Stephanie; Richard’s “You Are Still Here” is a banana scallop (again) and bacon ice cream. OK, points for tying the two “scallops” together. Everyone seems tired of the chips from Lisa, but it kind of works. Richard’s dessert works also. Eric enigmatically comments that you can be playful only after you have your flavors down. Stephanie’s dessert was OK but not exciting. They welcome the finalists out to thank them and give applause. Tom talks about their journeys and whatnot.

At Judges’ Table Tom says the finalists delivered exactly what they expected. And also there were some missteps. The loser gong greets all three. Richard is up first. He says the first course should wake up your palate, but everyone thought it was under seasoned. Lisa had a very assertive hot dish. Tom wants to know her intention, was that on purpose, and she says it was. Stephanie had a beautiful presentation and everyone loves it. You’ll notice that even now Lisa has her arms crossed and is scowling, even though she just got praise. Richard’s second dish got muddled, and he agrees that he could have left out the foie gras. Lisa’s soup was wonderful. Tom wanted to know what the leeks were doing in Stephanie’s dish and they were undercooked. She looks horrified. Richard says if he had seared his pork belly it would have fallen apart and that wasn’t worth it. Tom says Lisa should have cooked her steak more, because Wagyu beef has such wonderful marbling it’s nasty when not cooked. And Lisa undercooked it on purpose. Stephanie’s dish was super creative and everyone was surprised. Richard’s ice cream was great, as was Lisa’s rice pudding. Stephanie liked her flavors of her dessert, but Tom says her banana cream wasn’t flavored enough. Padma asks for last words. Stephanie says Dale told her not to second guess herself but she did on her dessert. Lisa is confident they’ll give her the win. I see. Very loud loser gong. Richard is like, OK, I’ll say it, I think I choked. Woah. He feels like he overthought and it’s not his best performance. Where did that come from? It’s not false modesty, he’s about to cry.

After Padma sends them all off, Gail says she’s shocked by what Richard said. Tom says he agrees, because he did make some mistakes like the pork belly. Richard wanted to them to know that he could do better. Tom wants to go course by course. Fish course: Stephanie seems to take it. They mention Lisa’s dish, but not as positively. Poultry dish: who knows, but probably Lisa’s soup that everyone loved. Red meat dish: Stephanie’s dish with the braised pistachios. Richard’s idea was original, but not executed. They think that’s what he meant by choking. Dessert: Lisa’s dessert was her best dish of the night. Stephanie’s dessert wasn’t great, but the rest of her dishes were great. Ted demands bacon ice cream to become commercially available. Well that was a bust. They didn’t really say anything new. Lisa tells Stephanie she nailed the first and third courses, and Lisa nailed two and four. Stephanie immediately looks at Richard who looks miserable. The judges seem to have a choice, as you can hear birds chirping in the background.

Tom heaps praise on everyone. He says the decision is based on which meal they’d like to go back and have again. And the winner is…Stephanie!! WOO!! Lisa really thought she could win, but she’s proud of herself. Richard is disappointed, and about to cry. Everyone who had come to Puerto Rico is there hanging out. Stephanie is doing a little dance. Ah…so satisfying.

Next week: reunion show. Notice there aren’t any clips. Very interesting. Let’s see if Lisa can piss off the rest of the viewers.
Clicky clicky

Moley moley mole!

I was so glad to see "The Mole" again on my TV. You feel so smart watching it. Like, you might actually learn something! And then when the actual contestants have no idea what's going on, you feel so superior. I mean, it's not hard to feel superior when you're watching "Big Brother" or something.

I like Craig as the mole, and also Nicole. The fact that everyone loves Craig and wasn't mad at all that he didn't get his money? They were right, that's the perfect persona for the mole to have. And yes, Nicole is too obvious, maybe. I mean, we all thought Elavia was the mole until she quit. However I do like the idea that she would be as annoying as possible just at the right time to put herself in charge of a task and win an exemption. It's probably because Angie Everheart was the last celebrity mole and she was pretty obvious, trusting that people would chalk it up to her temper.

Thinking of that makes me miss Corbin. He was crazy. He would have been a good host, messing with people and pretending to give out hints. Let me just say, that putting a thumbprint on one person's helmet? That's weak. Clicky clicky

Top Chef 6/4/08--"Finale pt. 1" summary

Previously on Top Chef: The final challenges before everyone got a chance to go home involved steak. First, butchering the steak, then cooking the steak, then working the line at a steakhouse. Spike did well with the cutting and the searing, but not so much with the choosing of non-sucky non-frozen scallops. From what I can tell (which isn’t much; good job Bravo on maintaining a working website) Lee Anne tried to make sure everyone had a good selection of proteins to choose from, since Rick Tramonato’s restaurant has a small menu. She also had a budget, and anything that Rick provided them with had to be paid for, while she could get frozen scallops from Allen Bros. for free. So she’s the one that put the scallops in there. But Spike still used them, he still insisted on searing them. He could have done something else with them and it would have been fine. Spike still called out Rick at the judges’ table for having them in the freezer. Rick was very gracious, considering he knew full well it wasn’t his fault they were there. Spike went home in the end, leaving us with Stephanie (woo), Antonia (woo), Richard (meh), and Lisa (ugh). (click for more)

Time for Puerto Rico! Stephanie has been traveling throughout Asia. Her T-shirt says “I love Tahoe boys“. Antonia has started her restaurant. Richard is thrilled to see Stephanie and Antonia, who he says are the ones everyone thought would win at the beginning of the show. But not really Lisa. Lisa has cut her hair, which should please people who thought her hair was always greasy and bad. However I think she’s gained some weight, maybe. She says everyone looks relaxed. They go off somewhere to great Tom and Padma, and a table full of plantains. Oh wait. It’s not Tom. It’s Wilo Benet, who “embodies“ Puerto Rican cuisine, according to Richard. Sorry, he looked like Tom.

Padma says that beachside fritters are a tradition, served with a cold beer. They have to make frituras, or fritters. Apparently these are just little fried snacks. And Wilo says that you have to use plantains. Hope you know how to use them! Lisa thinks they are common and all chefs should know what to do with them. Two separate frituras, both with plantains. They have 40 minutes.

Lisa immediately goes for proteins while others are getting plantains. Stephanie is trying to focus and eliminate some of her ideas. She thinks that’s her problem with Quickfires. Lisa is making fried plantains. It appears that she looked up Puerto Rican cuisine before she came. Richard burns off his eyebrows as he tries to light the stove.

Stephanie: tostones with seared tuna. Tostones are the fried plantains; you fry them once, then smash them and fry them again. Also she has pork and shrimp fritters with brown butter, lime, and basil sauce. Yum! Antonia: crispy oysters with cilantro plantain jam. There are no plantains in the actual fritter. Her second dish is plain fried yellow plantains with spicy slaw. She pronounces it “plan-TINS” which bugs me. Lisa: tostones with pan roasted duck and mango papaya salsa, and sweet plantains, red onion, and chorizo with chutney slaw. Chutney slaw? It has citrus fruits and cucumbers, and chilies. Chutney slaw. That is the most non-descriptive term. Chutney and slaw are categories. Richard: pork meatballs with ripe plantain sauce. He calls them something in Spanish, “abondigas” I think. The other dish is green plantain chips with ripe plantain salsa. Interesting. He’s made the salsa with raw plantains. That…seems bad. Now I want some tostones.

Wilo says everyone did well, lots of neat sauces and chutneys. Antonia could have used more integration, and the raw plantains are indeed not good. Richard had the same problem, and his meatballs were dry. Hee. Stephanie had great balance and right portions. Lisa’s tostones were great, but her meat could have been smaller. (Hee!) Stephanie wins, her first Quickfire win. Wilo invites them to a party, with traditional food and music. No one seems suspicious. Random parties never turn out well.

The party has great music, and lots of food and a whole pig. Lisa makes Richard dance. He says he’s having fun but he doesn’t dance. There are stupid slo-mo shots of everyone having fun with voiceovers of them in confessional talking about how they want to just get this over with already.
The next day (I think) everyone ends up at La Fortaleza, the governor’s residence. I think that’s what it’s called. Tomorrow there will be a garden party, with 100 VIP guests. Now Tom is here. He says it’s not a party without a pig, and he takes off some fronds from a table to reveal a pig. Everyone gets a whole pig and they have to make at least 2 dishes. Cool! Tom knows this will be a lot of work, so he’s got some help for them. Now Dale, Nikki, Andrew, and Spike show up. Oh, come on. Twice in one season? Lisa says her choices are limited. Mostly because she doesn’t get along with anyone, but of course she doesn’t think that’s the deal. Well, she does admit that Andrew is angry with her because he felt she threw him under the bus. Stephanie, as winner, gets to assign everyone’s people. Ha! She says she wants everyone to get along. She takes Dale, then puts Spike with Richard, Nikki with Antonia, and Andrew with Lisa. Andrew says he’ll try to help her win, but neither of them look thrilled. The “helpers” are going to shop for produce while the contestants butcher their pigs. They have 30 minutes to plan, 2 hours today to cook, and 5 hours tomorrow. Stephanie has to know that Andrew and Richard would be a better, more harmonious match than Andrew and Lisa. Maybe she’s trying to get rid of Lisa.

Richard talks about the importance of inspiration. He thinks as long as Spike buys fresh ingredients he’ll be fine. Does he not remember the frozen scallops? Antonia is going traditional. Lisa, shockingly, wants to not do Asian, but Puerto Rican. She insists she knows Latin food and flavors, and the natives will love her food. Richard thinks this is dangerous. I would agree, I think. You’d better be solid.

The helpers get $250 and 45 minutes to shop. Nikki doesn’t recognize some of the stuff. Andrew is having a communication breakdown because the woman doesn’t understand English. Hee. He knows he looks stupid. Dale is buying “black” plantains, which look rotten but apparently are super sweet. Back in the kitchen everyone gets ready to butcher their pigs. Someone kids Lisa that her hacking looks too natural. She comments that she’s Jewish. Antonia is cutting along the joints with her chef‘s knife, but Richard and Lisa are using mallets to pound cleavers through the meat, I guess. And they both break the mallets. Richard remembers some sweet malt beverage that he’s been using to glaze ribs so he calls Spike to have him get some.

Richard is organizing because it’s pretty crowded. He’s got tape for everything, all his appliances and dishes and bowls and whatnot. Nikki has great fruit, Antonia says. Stephanie is making pork belly and she makes sure to spice it. Andrew says Lisa “has a strong personality”. That’s is a good way to put it. Richard agrees. She kicks Andrew off something because he’s too slow. Someone spills something on the floor. The fridge is crammed. After 2 hours everyone says goodbye to their helpers and heads out of the kitchen. Stephanie says she feels organized…as the cameraman pans from the departing contestants to a shot of her pork belly sitting on a shelf. Not refrigerated. “Top Chef” has been hiring “Amazing Race” cameramen during their off season.

In the morning, Dale admits he’s the one who left it out, and Stephanie immediately says she’ll throw it out. She’s really nervous, and Dale is really really sorry. He says if he gets her sent home he’ll never forgive himself. I think she’s recovering well. Richard always has “something tricky”, according to Spike, and he can learn something. He’s got BBQ pork shoulder, pork belly with pickled watermelon, ham and beans, and ribs. Antonia: pork belly with sweet peppers, pork sausage with pigeon peas and rice, and curried pork. But her rice is ruined; she says the bottom is mushy and the top is raw. Nikki says she can tell Antonia is off so she needs to be on to compensate. Lisa is making yuca and pork rellena, and pork belly, and an adobo roasted pork tostone. Oh, no, everyone has pork belly except Stephanie. She says if she only makes two dishes she’ll be going home. Her last minute idea is chicarrones, fried pork skin, in a salad. Her other two dishes are pork satay on sugar cane skewers, and coconut pork with a plantain pancake. Antonia says her daughter told her not to come home if she didn’t win. I hope everyone is kidding about that.

With 30 minutes until service everyone goes outside to grill and prep. Stephanie is trying to make blinis, but they seem to be burning. Lisa doesn’t want to get sent home. Of course. Stephanie thinks little things will send people home. Last minute frantic working.

Padma appears, in a one shoulder drapy gown Rami would be proud of. Stephanie is up first: pork satay on sugar cane skewer, in a miso almond sauce. Coconut braised pork with black plantain pancake. Tropical fruit salad with fried pork skin. Wilo says the pancakes are inventive. Richard: fresh ham with local beans, whatever local beans are. Pressure cooked pork belly with picked watermelon. Ribs with malta and soy glaze. He talks so damn much! Everything has this long ass story about his inspiration and everything. BBQ pork shoulder with braised greens and mango, braised in coffee and cinnamon. That sounds really good. Now it is dark. Lisa: citrus braised pork belly with potato and plantain mash. Gail says it’s really sweet. Adobo roasted pork butt tostone and black beans and onions. Yuca rellena filled with pork, with pineapple mojo. Mojo is dipping sauce. It looks like they didn’t finish eating her food. Antonia: honey pork belly with pickled sweet pepper salad. Curried pork with pumpkin and yuca. Pigeon peas with pork sausage. The peas have a kick, and she soaked them overnight. The last two dishes seem to be on the same plate. None of the judges have had any opinions, or voiced them anyway. Random people talk about stuff. Everyone gets a comment; sadly, Antonia gets the bad comment of dry pigeon peas.

Before the contestants come out, the judges talk about everyone’s food. They seem pleased in general. Lisa and Antonia weren’t as good as they have been, but everyone was good across the board. Now that Wilo and Tom are next to each other, I must say Wilo looks like Andrew Zimmerman more than Tom. Padma comes to get Richard and Stephanie only. Lisa and Antonia do not look happy. Richard and Stephanie look really nervous until Padma tells them they are the favorites. Tom thinks Richard was self-editing, with simpler dishes than he served at the beginning of the competition. Stephanie’s satays were wonderful. No mention of the pork belly. Richard is the unanimous winner, and the crowd favorite. He wins…a car!?!?!?! He just won a 2009 Corolla. Damn. He seriously cannot believe it. Stephanie looks happy for him, but I would be thinking “Damn. Dale cost me a car.”

Antonia and Lisa go out to face the music and the loser gong. Lisa felt her dishes were strong, but she knows that everyone else’s dishes were strong too. Tom is surprised she cooked Latin food, when she’s “known” for Asian. She insists that she cooks Latin food all the time and it’s not that far from the Asian she cooks all the time. Her potato puree was really sweet and overpowering, and all her dishes focused on the garnishes rather than the pork. She took the tostones out of the fryer right before the judges arrived…but if the judges didn‘t get to her until it was dark? That‘s not good. She starts talking about balance in a traditional Puerto Rican meal, but Wilo says that didn‘t happen. Antonia knows her peas were not cooked enough, but she says she didn‘t notice until the very end. Also Antonia served her dishes all on the same plate, so they all muddled together. Her plan in that was to make things more rustic.

Tom says now it comes down to mistakes. Lisa’s tostone wasn’t that great, and her sweet potato puree wasn‘t right for the pork she paired it with. She had the right idea, but it’s execution again. She says she’s going home. I really hate editing sometimes. Sigh. Antonia went for rustic, and she should have put each of her dishes on separate plates since they were all distinct dishes. Gail says there are such things as al dente beans, but Tom says no. Antonia says she really doesn’t want to go home.

Commercials. 91% of voters think Lisa should go home. You usually don’t see that high of a percentage. That should tell you something. I wonder if we’ll ever hear Lisa address that.

Tom says they needed to bring their A game today, but they both are competing at a B+. Hee. Tom rehashes their errors. Antonia has specific problems; Lisa has an overall lack of…whatever they’re looking for. Also Tom says her table didn’t have a crowd. So what does this mean? Of course it means Lisa is safe. AGAIN. She promises them again they won’t be disappointed. Didn’t she promise that before they left Chicago? At least she looked genuinely shocked. Antonia is crying and she talks about her daughter, and she is really upset she has to go home. She tells Stephanie to kick ass. The final 3 sit around in the Stew Room, until Lisa bitches at Stephanie and Richard because they didn’t congratulate her. They both kind of mutter congratulations (which you know they don’t mean) and Richard says he’s just tired, which is probably true. Lisa says she gets it (um…no) but it makes her feel like they both think the wrong person went home, which, 1. That is what 91% of the viewers think, and I’m sure they think that too, and 2. Cry me a river. She says that they can have their opinions (didn’t you just yell at them for their opinions?) and it’s not a popularity contest. Yeah, lucky you. In confessional she says people enjoyed her dishes, even though they seemed to do it far away from her table so Tom wouldn’t see the crowd. Somehow Stephanie and Richard should forget that Antonia is their friend and “as a fellow chef” tell Lisa good job or whatever. Just because you didn’t go home doesn’t mean you’re entitled to praise. They don’t like you. Deal with it. Richard is like, you won the bronze. Good for you.

Next week: Lisa thinks she can beat everyone, Richard is behind, Tom gives them a curveball, we find out who wins.
Clicky clicky