Previously on “Joe Schmo”: the writers decided we needed a challenge that Ben would win. But they chose a challenge based on riddles, then acted shocked when Ben was bad at mental challenges. As if they didn't know he was more confident in physical challenges. Come on. Anyway, the plan was for Ben to win, but he choked big time. They had to scramble and have Maya win, so Ben knew he was safe. Then Jessica “betrayed” him, played a token, and put Braxton up for elimination. Ryan ended up going home, not either of the siblings, which upset Ben because of betrayals or whatever. (click for more)
Y'all, if you didn't know, I live in St. Louis, and we got more snow. I'm on our 6th snow day this year. Technically it's a virtual day, but there are two ways to do that. One is the way Kmanpat's district does it, which is to make everyone teach over Zoom and learn new material. The other way is the way my district does it, which is you can't teach anything new, and do not need to be on Zoom. I have to submit assignments by 9:30 and then be available by email for a total of an hour over the course of the day. Anyway, that means I am tired of snow. Time for some nonsense.
Ben knows Jessica didn't vote for Trevor or Chastity. He bitches to Maya about it, because he is 100% done with them. He says it will take an “act of God” to get them eliminated, or even just up for elimination. Trevor and Chastity giggle in confessional.
For no reason, the next morning Ben puts on denim overalls with no shirt. But they're not long overalls, they're shorts. I have no idea why, unless it's to be a thirst trap because Ben is attractive. You can tell I'm getting older because the thirst trap is not getting me worked up. Cat voiceovers that it's time for Ben's victory, finally. It was time last week but sure. Oh, right, he's dressed like that because of the Goatkeeper thing. Do you think they told him to be sexy because of made-up publicity shots? Or did he just decide to wear that?
At the staff meeting, the producer tells everyone Ben is starting to lose it because of the siblings, so it's time to give him what he wants so they can all move on. Ben's finally going to win, and it's hilarious because I can only assume they gave this talk yesterday, when he was supposed to win and then choked. He should have no question if it's real, if he wins and can eliminate who he wants. Literally the next sentence is “He has to go for Trevor, because Chastity still has a bunch of story left”. Guys. We all know he doesn't want Trevor to go before Chastity. How exactly are you going to fix this and still leave him feeling like he had free will? That it's not rigged? Because you're not doing the best job of that currently. The producer says everything is going according to plan, and Louis points out that they've rewritten almost the entire show. OK it's going according to this plan they wrote this morning.
Out in the yard Maya tells Ben she feels way better today, because being in the game is about taking the heat off them. Ben is still obsessed about how Trevor and Chastity vote together, work together, and he feels he's been the target because he called them out on it. Cat voiceovers that no one is after Ben, and if he wins, he can have exactly what he wants. Except we know he wants to get rid of Chastity and you've just said he needs to get rid of Trevor. Ben's alliance is dwindling, but he still has Maya, who is nice to everyone and is also carrying him. Maya tells him that once Ben takes some time to himself, he's always very sweet about what happens. I'm not sure what that's about, unless it's to reassure him he's not being a dick about votes not going the way he wants. Ben says he cares about how Maya views him, and he needs to compose himself better. He knows he's a target and it's stressful. Ben interviews he won't feel good about himself until he wins a challenge. I'm also noticing zero flirting here, so the show is lucky.
Cat meets everyone in the house for no reason. She's talking about the challenge and they could have had this conversation outside by the thing. This challenge takes place on “the imposing peaks of Mt. Alugobi”. It's just a giant climbing wall. Pillar? You know what I mean. Elijah's “ill-tempered and fussy cousin” Nicodemus is up there looking for food. But “the winter has been harsh” and there's no food. So the challenge is to climb up to the top of the wall and feed the stuffed goat that's up there. Because Elijah said to and also Elijah is the only one who knows what Nicodemus wants to eat. I feel beggars can't be choosers but whatever.
This challenge is titled “The Ascent of Nicodemus”. You go one at a time to Elijah, who will tell you what food you need from the “Trough of Plenty”, which is a horse trough full of sludge and I guess solid items in there somewhere. Naturally you have to use your mouth, because I feel being able to use your hands would be suspicious on some level. That's half-assing it and I'd wonder why they didn't go all the way and make me use my mouth. You know? Then you put the food in a basket attached to your person, and climb the wall. There's a basket up top, and you stop the clock when the food is in there. Fastest wins. Outside a producers talks about how important this is. If Ben is afraid of heights, or falls, or can't find the right food in the trough, they don't have a backup plan. Shouldn't you know if he's afraid of heights? In the first season, they knew Matt was afraid of doing a gross eating challenge, so they knew when they planned one that he'd be upset.
So in order to really fix this one, Ben is actually going to be the only one competing. I guess they're going to do this one at a time? We then have a montage of all the times Ben has been suspicious about various people and events. The producers are confident which makes me suspicious but sure. No one else is going to actually do any climbing, but everyone is going to at least dunk their faces in the horse trough. Cat describes this as the cast “volunteering” to be helpful, but they have to, don't they? How would you explain everyone returning to the house clean? Everyone watches everyone else and cheers. So I guess they're all going to watch him?
Back in the house, Ben asks a crew member (possibly a fake producer) if he goes home, will there be a new Goatkeeper. She has no clue. She asks if he doesn't want to share Elijah, and he says no, he wants to be the only Goatkeeper. Maybe Elijah won't want anyone else to take care of him.
Outside everyone is standing around with slop everywhere and Braxton is supposedly in the lead. They gave him a time of 1:02, that's one minute. This is a terrible idea. Did you have people test this challenge? Because unlike last week, your cast didn't try to climb. Is that a reasonable time? Why would you have a hard and fast time? Because now Ben knows if he gets longer than a minute he hasn't won. Why wouldn't you just keep all the times secret? You are making this harder on yourselves. Ben is actually feeling very confident, to the point where he'll be mad if he loses. He chalks up Maya's hands and tells her to slap him on the back as hard as possible. Why? Who knows. Anyway, he has to get grapes. Everyone cheers, both outside and inside the producer's room. Ben slips and everyone freaks out. We then cut to commercial, which is how you know he's fine. It's also a little odd that all his competitors are clapping and encouraging him. Especially Braxton, who is in the lead. OK so to be fair, he finished in 49 seconds, so one minute was reasonable. I guess there isn't a timer anywhere, so as long as it wasn't like, five minutes they'd just lie about it. But I still think this is difficult for no reason. Ben is told he won and he is very psyched and celebrates a lot. He actually high-fives everyone and yells a bunch. As long as there's no tokens anywhere, he's gonna get what he wants. It was also nice to see him happy that Maya doesn't have to carry him today.
Braxton says it's cool and gives him a fist bump. I feel like Braxton would respect getting beaten fair and square. Ben's gonna go relax now that he has won and doesn't need to look for tokens. Cat voiceovers that Ben wants to put both Chastity and Trevor up for elimination, but they can't have Chastity go home. So the plan is to get Braxton to hit on Chastity some more, and then have Trevor freak out or something to “get on Ben's bad side”. Guys you already tried that and it didn't work. You thought you'd make Ryan super annoying and Ben would vote for him and he didn't. He thinks Chastity is a bigger threat and if you make her and Braxton hook up, then you have the same problem. Two people who vote together. Getting rid of Chastity breaks up TWO voting groups. Braxton tells Ben that he knows his numbers are dwindling and he knows probably one of the siblings is going to go. Then he asks if Ben knows any spots in the house that don't have cameras. You know, because Chastity might go home tonight. Lol, on a real show, I would expect a producer on top of that comment, hiding cameramen in the bushes or something. “If you know what I mean.” Braxton asks Ben to distract Trevor if he sees him. Heh. Ben is invested. The producer tells the crew in the control room something about get your character's story in alignment so we can grant Ben's wish?
Ben is out at the pool yelling that there are going to be some show break-ups! And then doing cannonballs. Maya and Braxton are hanging out too, and I feel like we're all just very secure in what's going to happen, except for the part where we still do not know anything about Danielle, and also Jessica did not vote the way she said yesterday, and the two of them are huge swing votes. Is it that Ben won so since he's safe he doesn't care at all how the vote goes? Or did we just forget to fake that everyone else is worried about the vote? Ben and Braxton work out and flex, and then Trevor does also and everyone laughs at him.
The producer says it's time for “Operation Seek and Annoy”. Basically Chastity and Braxton will vanish, and then Trevor will come looking for them but somehow be so obnoxious that Ben will forget how much power Chastity has and get rid of Trevor instead. Trevor is grilling the girls about where Chastity is, because they were supposed to play music. Ben offers to get the egg shaker and listen to Trevor's music instead. Heh. I personally would love another terrible song. Trevor blows him off and yells for Chastity, going back into the house and kicking something on the way. He walks around the house, yelling about how being alone with a man is a sin and don't give into temptation. Meanwhile Braxton and Chasity are on the bed, fully clothed, doing weird dance moves. Outside, Ben tells Jessica that Braxton asked about spots without cameras, but don't tell anyone. Trevor can't “wrangle” her and he's annoyed. Ben feels bad for Chastity because Trevor is controlling. “That is such a weird world to have to grow up in as a woman.”
Eventually Trevor comes over to where Ben is working out and asks to hang out for a second. He congratulates Ben on winning the challenge, and he admits he knows he might be up. Maybe him and Chastity both. He's annoyed with her because he says they came here to talk about the church and play music and now she's always talking to Braxton. “But honestly, man to man, like, she's just got ice in her veins.” Ben's reaction to this is to laugh, because he already knows and that's why he would vote for her over Trevor. Trevor says if they're both up, “smash her”. “Smash your sister?” OK that was a little funny. Trevor claims “I'm a stronger vote for you”, whatever that means. Ben calls him a snake in confessional but then to Trevor's face he's all “yeah I did have her pegged as more of the competitor.” Shady. Trevor claims he is also a competitor, and then admits in confessional that this was the plan: tell Ben to eliminate Chastity, a thing he was already going to do, in an effort to make Ben dislike Trevor. I just don't think it's going to work.
Later Ben tells Chastity that Trevor threw her under the bus. He does this in front of Jessica for some reason. She's immediately pissed, but says it's Ben's choice. Ben interviews that he didn't like to do it, but he would want to be told if he was in her position. I can see that. Cat says they didn't expect him to tell Chastity quite this soon.
Later on, everyone is hanging out in one of the rooms, and one of the fake producers comes in and says it's Maya's birthday and she probably didn't tell anyone, but they want to do something nice like maybe a little surprise party. Jessica is all “My half birthday is in July”. Heh. Cat tells us it's not really Maya's birthday, like, duh.
Later everyone blows up balloons (with their breath so they're just on the floor), puts up streamers, etc. Also they're all in shitty Spirit Halloween costumes for no reason. Jessica is Belle, and brags probably the producers just thought she'd look the best in that costume. Danielle is a generic sexy pirate wench, and Braxton is the peanut butter half of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. In the one shot, it looks like the other half of the sandwich is attached to the back of Braxton's costume. Usually those costumes are not attached to each other but somehow they found one that requires the couple be physically connected. Trevor was putting on a yellow leotard so I'm calling it now: there's a red leotard and Trevor is thinking Chastity will be ketchup to match his mustard, but she's going to put on the jelly side of Braxton's costume and then they will have a dumb argument while they look ridiculous. Sadly I am right about the ketchup, but Ben puts the other half of Braxton's costume on. You all know my idea was better. Everyone is gloating about how Ben is looking forward to this party because Maya is his bestie, and they're going to ruin it.
At some point before Maya shows up (I think), Chastity stomps into the room and announces she doesn't want to go home tonight. Trevor says “That makes two of us”. Chastity knows Trevor is going to vote for her, because Ben said so. Ben agrees and says it's not pleasant all around. That's when Maya shows up, and not a single one of them can fake any enthusiasm. I feel like in real life, at least one of them would go over-the-top with it to change the subject. Right?
Cut to later, Maya is wearing a witch costume and eating cake, while they all sit around on the couches looking uncomfortable. Chastity plays scales on a trombone for no reason other than that trombones are sort of funny. When she comes back into the room, Trevor says to Maya that they were going to do a special birthday song, but SOMEONE spent the day with Braxton instead of practicing. OK but they didn't know it was Maya's birthday until later? When would they have been practicing? They weren't told before Trevor spent the afternoon looking for her. No one notices this plothole. Trevor says he's pissed off, and Braxton is like, she's a grown woman. Ben kind of wants them to confront each other, but it IS Maya's birthday party, so maybe don't ruin it. Trevor has been doing what they planned, talking about the church and singing, and Chastity has left him to do it by himself because she's with Braxton. He does imply that it might be “too late”, which I assume means she's already slept with Braxton. Danielle is like, we already knew that. Braxton tries to be the peacekeeper, saying she's grown, and it doesn't have to ruin their (Trevor and Chastity's) relationship. Chastity says this is a conversation for another time, and Ben quickly agrees. In confessional, Trevor says that Trevor is here for Jesus and music, and Chastity is here for sex, **bleep**, and money. Not sure what was bleeped, but you get the idea. Maya tells Trevor no one cares. It's so cringe. Chastity offers to play the trombone again, and Trevor is like, please no. Eventually Trevor and Chastity do sing a Happy Birthday song, including trombone. It's not good but clearly it's not supposed to be. Thankfully Louis comes in to tell them to go get ready.
Ben interviews that this was the most insane party. Trevor is terrible and Chastity is probably embarrassed. One of them needs to go home. No mention of how he has previously said it should be Chastity. He is hoping there isn't a messed-up token that can strip him of the Horns and put him up for elimination. Cat interviews that Ben needs to send Trevor home, that's their plan, but ultimately he could choose her. Supposedly they all know Ben has all the power, which they probably do know. They just have failed to account for it this whole time, and I feel like at this point, they should have some kind of backup plan in place in case he doesn't do what they think he will do. Which is a thing that has happened several times in the past four days.
Anyway, Trevor and Chastity are both up. Huh. I would have thought they'd fix this so he'd have to send Trevor home. They each get 30 seconds to plead their case. Trevor uses his time to advertise the church, and then announce that Chastity is “impure” and has sinned, and Ben should “cleanse the house” of her sin. Oof. Chastity just stares at Ben and says “Kill him.” Damn. Ben has shown zero emotion this whole ceremony, and then he sends Trevor home. Huh. Once he smashes the vase, he poses with the giant sledgehammer over one shoulder like an anime character and it is hilarious. Ben interviews that every day he voted for them, and every day they dodged elimination. He wanted to have a giant grin but refrained somehow. Cat tells everyone else that tomorrow, the creator of the fake show “Mr. Danish” will be here. Sure.
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