Previously on “Joe Schmo”: There is at least one storyline that has been scrapped, because the writers told the rest of the cast that the only thing they are doing today is “the woodchipper bit”. This is a bit where Charles Michael snaps and throws Ryan's stuff in the woodchipper as part of their “prank war”. So they concocted a whole fake challenge and got Ben to go inside so he can't see the start of the thing and then he came out to the woodchipper running and Charles Michael throwing stuff in there. Everyone just stared at Ben instead of reacting. Ben, meanwhile, brought up the excellent point of how exactly this happened, how did Charles Michael have time to go get Ryan's stuff and destroy it without anyone stopping him, why isn't anyone stopping him now? Everyone just stood there and then scrambled with a garbage story that a rouge producer (who has since been fired) put the luggage next to the woodchipper. Anyway, Maya was given an Advantage Token so when Ben and Charles Michael were up for elimination, she could save Ben. Then Trevor was put in his place, Chastity ended up making the decision, and Charles Michael was eliminated. (click for more)
They really did not think these stories through. No one even had a genuine reaction to anything. They just all stood there and watched Ben. It was implied that searching for an Advantage Token and worrying about Charles Michael going home distracted Ben enough that he forgot all his questions, but I doubt it. We are told the writers were “clever” about fixing this. I will reserve judgment.
Ben is extremely grateful to Maya for saving him, even though he doesn't think it was the best thing for her own gameplay. He's told her she's his number one in the house. They toast everyone who's been eliminated, forgetting about Barbara briefly.
In the morning, Ben goes to be the Goatkeeper. They've told him one of his jobs is to record TV promos for the show. OK, “Hi this is Ben and Elijah, you're watching The Goat US”, that makes sense. Then they make him record spots for other countries. Like speaking in Spanish for The Goat Mexico. This makes zero sense. However it is funny to watch him fake run in slow motion.
Meanwhile the cast is getting their daily briefing. Today's challenge is based on riddles, and the plan is for Ben to win. I immediately wonder why they've planned this, since the Holder of the Horns gets to decide who goes home, without input. It means they have zero control over who is eliminated, because they don't know who Ben will pick. I mean, they get to fix the two people who are up for elimination. But it turns out this is the one good thing they've planned, because it will be Trevor and Chastity up for elimination. They're slightly interchangeable, so it's not as important that Ben pick one over the other one. It also means Ben will be pleased with himself and “high on power”. The producers tell everyone this is very important, because giving Ben a taste of victory will make him want to win the whole thing, and they need him to buy in. They do not mention that his buy-in is only a problem because they have not planned anything very well. Ben obliges by interviewing that he hopes today's challenge is physical, and that he wins and he can send one of the siblings home.
All the producers are outside with what looks like an isolation booth. They are explaining that Ben is the only one who is going to actually play this game, but all the rest of the players need to know about it, because when they all get back to the house they're going to compare notes. Finally, a smart realization. As long as Ben does “moderately well”, they can spin it that he won. But he has to do well, or they'll have to rewrite everything again.
The booth is called “Bathsheba's Box” and is basically like the size of a photo booth, covered in red with a door and one of the monk figures standing around outside. There's an opening in the side, not enough to escape but I guess enough to pass papers through. The puzzle part is, you will have to solve puzzles based on ridiculous proverbs, and it is timed. Ben will have to do it in the time limit, or there's no way they can have him win. Ben's realizing it's not physical and he's getting worried. Cat spins that goats are very intelligent (true) and are known for their code-cracking abilities (no). “This is how Bathsheba lost her emerald crown, to a cunning billy goat called Aaron.” What is this story. Cat says every challenge on this show must be fundamentally stupid. Good so far! Ben looks like if he stares at Cat long enough he'll understand. Anyway, inside Bathsheba's Box are three incorrect goat proverbs. You will put words from the answer key into the proverb to make the “real” proverb. An example of one of these proverbs is “In time, even a goat can be taught to dance.” Sure, I guess. Every time you finish a proverb (there's a shot of the inside of the box and it looks like they're on the walls) the box gets smaller. That's what that opening on the side was, it was for poles to push the walls in, I think. Furthermore, you must yell your answers at 100 decibels. Cat claims this is loud enough to be heard over a helicopter. The crew laughs and says this was so funny but it's not that funny. There's no helicopter here, that would be funny.
Ryan is up first, and everyone else has to go back to the house. Ben says he fucking sucks at puzzles, and we are led to believe the producers had no idea and they're now cursing. I feel like in a real show they would have known. They would have asked for strengths and weaknesses, if only to know ahead of time and throw them at you when you're down for maximum drama. But you also had a challenge where Ben had to win, and you designed it so he has to do well. If you absolutely have to fix something, it should be foolproof. Like how Chastity had to be Holder of the Horns yesterday so every slip had her name on it. Ben thinks he'll be nominated again if he doesn't win.
In the house, Ben freaks out and that makes everyone else freak out. Meanwhile Ryan is actually going to do the challenge so they can see how long it will take. Ryan gets in there and is actually feeling dumb. But the “proverb” is color coded! So you replace the blue word with the blue word from the answer key! Anyway, once Ryan figures out it's substitution, he says the answer and then the ceiling lowers. It breaks, too, like it's clearly just some foam board, but whatever. The next proverb, all the words that need replacing are colored red, as are all the words in the answer key. But the wrong proverb says “In a human's mind all people own the goats” and you can see the answer should be “In a goat's eyes, all things belong to goats”. Actually according to the timer it maybe took Ryan a minute to figure out? But I feel like this one has an obvious “correct” answer. A wall closes in and now Ryan is kneeling on the floor crammed in the corner. The final proverb does not have any color coding but it's not that complicated. They make him yell it for no reason, and then he's done. Maybe a couple of minutes? Braxton comes out to do the same thing, and there are helicopter noises. He finishes at like, 1:50. Also the inside of this booth is rough cut foam board pieces and color printouts and it looks like high schoolers built it in an hour. Not like a real TV show.
Cat says the rest of the cast is averaging about two minutes, so as long as Ben is close to that time, they can say he won by a second or something. I feel like this is leaving too much to chance. I wish they had made this more foolproof. I wonder if the other contestants went back to the house with everyone. Could they have cheated? If Maya had gone, and then returned to the house and told Ben the answers, would he have used them? Hmm. Anyway, it's Ben's turn to do this dumb challenge. He solves the first puzzle within 15 seconds and they waste time making him yell louder. But he's on the second puzzle at 31 seconds. He solves the second puzzle immediately, and then he can't do the last puzzle. For reference, the last puzzle says “An angry goat will never bend to kings” and the answer key is “learn, old, dance”. So the “correct” proverb is “An old goat will never learn to dance”. But Ben has no idea what to do and everything is the same color. Rather than say “OK replace adjectives with adjectives” he is just choking. He's just adding the words and not replacing them. Finally after 8 minutes and 30 seconds he finishes. He comes out and yells “That was stupid as FUCK!” I agree. He spent like, seven minutes on that last proverb. There's no way they can tell him he won at this point.
Ben is still yelling about how dumb it was and how the third proverb stumped him and he knows he needs to win. He's outside by some lounge chairs (giant beanbags?) and Ryan is hanging out listening to him. Ryan interviews that his favorite part of this process is where they all have to come together to troubleshoot things. I mean, you wouldn't have to do that if the writers thought about this a little better but sure. Ben is always up for elimination and in danger of going home, and he really wants to win. Now he is just hoping Maya wins. Meanwhile, the producers are saying they're going to have a couple of people get disqualified, to make it seem like it's a hard challenge. Then Maya will win, because there's no way she'd eliminate Ben. What a great blindside that would be, though. Thank God Maya is a “gamer” and therefore it makes total sense she'd win a puzzle challenge. They'd love to let Ben win but he's stinking up the place with this performance.
Everyone has to go back outside and Cat says some people were beaten, but some triumphed. All times are made up, except for Ben's I guess? They play it like Ryan got disqualified and Danielle got like, nine minutes. Ryan has zero reaction to being disqualified, and I feel like this is suspicious. I feel like this character should be pissed and have some rant about how he got kicked for some bullshit reason and it's not fair. Right? Anyway, Jessica was also disqualified, and Trevor scored like, under four minutes, but Maya beat him by like seven seconds. Ben is so relieved, because if Trevor had won Ben would certainly go home. He thinks Maya is carrying him and he really wants to win a challenge on his own merit.
They go back in the house and Ben for some reason has stripped down to his boxers and is cheering and hooting about being safe. He puts on trunks and goes out to the pool, as Louis finds Maya and tells her to go talk strategy to Ben. They need to know who he wants to send home. Maya doesn't think Ben is totally relaxed because he's so into the game. He of course wants to put Trevor and Chastity up, so honestly they didn't need to talk to him to figure out what he was thinking. But his idea is sound, in that the only way they don't get rid of one of the siblings is if they BOTH somehow have Advantage Tokens. Even if one of them has one, they can just get rid of the other one. But Ben wants everyone to vote for them which is unlikely. He claims to be feeling better for everyone, not just him. Cat voiceovers that the writers are busy and this is not going to happen.
Ben will learn not to underestimate anyone, even Jessica. Cat says every show has someone like Jessica, who has “shadily” flown under the radar and done nothing but crack jokes and look dumb because she doesn't want her hair to get wet. I'd like to know what the deal is with Danielle, who has done absolutely nothing and has maybe one line an episode, but I guess. It's time for Jessica to move to the spotlight.
Ben starts campaigning, but he starts with Braxton, who wants to hook up with Chastity. Like that is established. Ben believes that getting rid of Trevor and Chastity will leave them with only people willing to give 100% to winning and the game will be really awesome then. Braxton knows they're a threat, but he admits to Ben he's “kinda messing around” with Chastity. Duh. Ben tries Danielle next, I guess so she can get her screen time. She actually gets a confessional interview, where her role is given as “health guru”. See, in the first season of the show, she would have already been eating nothing but smoothies and trying to tell everyone that processed foods cause ADHD and that's why she only eats vegan raw foods or something. There's good comedy in “health guru” and we have seen none of it. Danielle tells Ben she'll vote with him. Jessica complains to him that she's so sick of voting for the siblings and they never go. Ben wants her to join their alliance, but she's playing it like Trevor and Chastity are just going to escape consequences somehow, maybe they both have a token, whatever. Ben rails at the producers a little bit for casting siblings and basically creating a two-vote block. Jessica is like yeah I could have brought my intern. She'd never vote against me. Heh. Jessica is claiming to have a part time unpaid intern. Hee. “I'd be like I'm cutting off your money...oh wait I don't pay you.” Jessica asks which one Ben would like to go, in a perfect world, and he says Chastity. Jessica agrees because her hair is so, like, blonde. Trevor is less of a competitor. Jessica claims to be nervous now, because people are realizing she's so amazing and smart and adventurous. Ben interviews that she's pampered and raised up “with like, chopped salads at brunch”. It's very different from him, but he needs the numbers and he doesn't know where else to look. Jessica thinks he has no idea what to do with this privileged person, but after tonight he's probably going to wish he never met her. Ben now thinks he has the votes. Later he brings Jessica a flower for some reason.
OK I am glad to see that just like the first season, when you're eliminated and they smash the thing with your face on it, they pile the shards up instead. Louis grabs Jessica before the ceremony so she can go look at the urns. So maybe tonight she can keep her shit together. Louis tells her she's not leaving until she can look at them and not laugh. Then he gives her shit about her own urn. Maybe she can get it together for once, damn.
There are eight people left, and Ben thinks he has a majority of five: himself, Maya, Ryan, Danielle, and Jessica. However the two people up for elimination are Ryan and Jessica. Interesting. Ben is very confused, and Cat tells us in voiceover that on a real show, Ben would have had the votes. But on THIS show, there is no way for Ben to know who voted for who. That's dumb. Even if they had had paper votes, you just write fake votes and he'd have to know handwriting to know what happened. Or you have tokens in a box or something. Don't act like you're clever. Anyway, as they come to get Jessica and Ryan, Jessica is like “Um, actually, cut” which is hilarious. She says she doesn't like to make stuff about herself, but also she wants to use a token. It is the Goblet of Nebuchadnezzar, which someone has to prompt her with the correct pronunciation. She can switch places with anyone and save herself. She claims to not have given this much thought, which is ridiculous. Even if she thought she was safe from the vote, there's no way a player wouldn't know exactly who they wanted to take their place. Anyway she puts Braxton in there. Honestly good gameplay. Braxton is great at physical challenges, fairly good at mental challenges, and is in a tight alliance with Trevor and Chastity. Ben's just pissed that she didn't pick the two of them because he really, really wants to get rid of the siblings. Jessica interviews that supposedly Trevor and Chastity have a big storyline coming, so she picked someone else that Maya wouldn't send home over Ryan. And not Ben because he's up all the time. She feels bad.
Ryan starts to do his begging to stay, and he says “Super splonk alert, check my left pocket”. Ben is super thrilled, but it's just a condom. Oh my God. That was pretty funny. But check my right pocket! Louis is sick of his shit and tells the monk guys not to do it, and Ryan can take it out himself, Jesus Christ. Heh. He has the Crown of Challemida. It says “Play this in a challenge to keep yourself from being eliminated.” Lol, this isn't a challenge, dumbass. Louis says basically this, and Ryan interviews that of course his character found a token and didn't even read it and then played it at the wrong time. Yeah that tracks. Cat says it's invalid and cannot be played. Everyone is acting like production is in everyone's earpieces telling them it's invalid. Then in a wildly inexplicable decision, Cat says that since Ryan has spent this time being a dumbass, there will be no more speeches and Maya has to make her decision. That is completely ridiculous. You're telling me there's a time limit? Everyone has to get home? You don't want to pay the crew overtime? Come on. Anyway Maya gets rid of Ryan as planned. He says no hard feelings and hugs Maya, and then leaves. Ben hadn't anticipated Jessica not going along with his plan somehow.
We have a montage of Ryan's nonsense as if he died, and then it says “RIP Splonk”. We have done this instead of previews for next week.
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