Previously on “Joe Schmo”: we rebooted the franchise, but somehow it just wasn't the same. Did they not go far enough? Can you bring back a fake reality show after nearly 25 years of “real” reality shows? Are my standards too high? Ben is just a blue collar guy from Baltimore who hunts and fishes and is single. He's on “The Goat USA”, a “spin-off” of a supposedly Korean game show that everyone pretends they have heard of. It's got just enough “Squid Game” for you to notice but not enough to sue. The elimination ceremony is called “The Sacrifice” but I feel it is not dumb enough for my satisfaction. Jonathan Lipnicki (yes that one) is playing a douchebag child star and is the first one voted out. Don't forget Barbara, though, who randomly hit a button and was the actual first person out. Which promptly caused Ben to declare her “100%” an actor. (click for more)
Honestly though, if a “real” reality show had their first challenge like this, zero instructions and random serious penalties for just pushing any button you see? I'd be perfectly fine with that. I think I just want it to be dumber. Where is my challenge that boils down to “touch a porn star”? The elimination ceremony where women ask the guy for a pearl necklace? The voting “booth” that is a giant statue of Lady Liberty and the booth is under her dress and you have to announce “Lady Liberty, may I enter you?” in order to go vote? Nothing at that level has happened yet and I think that's what I'm looking for. Can you be at that level in 2025? I'm not sure you can.
Y'all I have to tell you that because of how the recording starts, I get like 30 seconds of “The Big Bang Theory” on the front of my recording and I don't like it.
Cat voiceovers that Ben will have to accept defeat so the victory is more sweet. I guess. But first he gets a win in the form of “a ceremonious rite of passage”. Is “ceremonious” a word? I guess, autocorrect doesn't mark it. Ben's gonna be “The Goatkeeper”. There are actual live goats, and honestly this is a situation where the show has satisfied me. Yes, I know “the goat” really means Greatest Of All Time, but if this show didn't have actual live goats at some point then what are you even doing over there? Cat says this goat Elijah is the “global ambassador and spiritual leader” of the show. Cat is also wearing boots with a heel but also they are baggy and have straps wrapped around her leg. When the goat is introduced no one reacts in any way. One person will be the Goatkeeper which is an honor. Next to Cat is a framed piece of paper with 12 pictures on it: a hand mirror, a rifle with a long barrel, a horseshoe, a pair of shoes (loafers I think), a pipe, something that is either a can or a metal mug, a tiki torch which is on fire, a locket, a monkey holding a knife with another knife in it's mouth, a plastic comb (as you might get for free somewhere), a tea kettle, and...I'm not sure what that last picture is but I'm gonna say it's a mushroom in the process of sprouting. Cat says these are the 12 elements of Elijah. He was thinking of one of these this morning. You will stare at the goat and decide which one he was thinking about. Write it down and put the paper in your pocket.
So everyone comes down the steps one at a time and stares at the goat. Cat revels in how dumb this is and the goat poop is getting on her shoes. We meet Jessica (valley girl) which seems like a weird stereotype. Are there still valley girls? The actor playing Ryan the YouTuber tells everyone in confessional to email or call him but they bleep all of it and blur it. Ben gets too close to the goat and encourages it to kiss him. I don't know, I think he was trying to be funny, which it was. So the producer says they know what Ben wrote down, and either someone actually saw it, or maybe since he went last they're going to try to get it off the pad of paper spy-style?
Cat unrolls a slip of paper and says Elijah was preoccupied with “a meal that tricks the monkey”. I swear that's what she's saying. Anyway, it's the monkey with knives, and they show a closeup which shows the monkey has a chain leash but also one knife in each hand, in addition to one in his mouth. Heh. Anyway of course that's what Ben wrote down. Well, he wrote “Shiv Monkey” which is hilarious and good enough. He comes downstairs and they give him the lead rope, and now he has to take care of the goat. This means every morning he has to get up and I guess feed it or something, which keeps him occupied and in a known location for a known amount of time, so everyone else can have meetings about the fake storylines.
Ben reads off a scroll that was in a vial on the goat's collar, that says the goat is a confidant and his friend. But he will smite him if he gets crossed. Also the goat has a “benign polyp” and then the scroll says not to read the last part aloud. Meanwhile Elijah is eating the drapes.
So now everyone is in a common room talking about how smoothly this is going. Braxton has to win the next challenge, and Ryan must be rude. Also only accidental failing, no failing on purpose in protest. We see the rehearsal of the pool challenge, where they did a lot of practice to make sure Ben doesn't win. When Ben returns, he tells everyone he feels bonded to them. Agnes says Charles Michael's head feels warm. Agnes is the “old lady” and currently she's sitting in his lap. Cat voiceovers that it's not enough for Ben to lose, he has to have a target for his frustrations. And that's going to be Ryan. He's drawn “$wagne$” and “her dog, Charles Michael”. It's a dumb drawing and people sort of laugh politely. Ben is irritated because he knows Charles Michael is irritated. Ryan puts on his hat and Charles Michael asks him not to, because of lice or whatever. Ryan asks if they think they'd let him in if he had lice, and Charles Michael replies that they gave HIM a psych evaluation and he got in. Heh. Ryan tries to look into the cameras and tell people to like and subscribe, and the fake producer is pissed. In confessional Ryan and Charles Michael are friends and laugh about how Ryan isn't actually that annoying. Now it's time to get in your costumes because you've been “randomly” assigned into teams. Even in a “real” reality show you know it's not random. Ben interviews that Agnes is in the alliance now, along with Charles Michael and Maya. He is ready to win.
Out by the pool everyone comes out and there is a giant walkway in the shape of the goat's head covering half the pool. I mean, it's a line drawing, so what that essentially means is there are narrow walkways in the shape of the head leading out into the middle of the pool. You will go head-to-head to gather bells, which are laid out on the walkway. Then go back to the patio, and you must bow to Elijah's statue the exact number of times that the bell says. If you fall in the pool you are out.
Maya vs. Chastity. Chastity falls in on the way back. Charles Michael vs...IDK I think it's Danielle? Maybe? We discover when you get back the way you “bow” is to kneel in front of a board that's set at an angle, with another board behind your head like a headrest. Then you smash your forehead into the board in front of you, then smash it into the board behind you. This triggers the counter. It looks like it might be foam but you can't really tell. Also the counters don't work. Jessica vs. Trevor. Jessica is walking very slowly because I guess she's told everyone she won't get her hair wet. Meanwhile Trevor won't bow to a goat so he's just hitting the pads with his hand. Ben says that is disrespectful. Really? It's dumb for sure but I don't know if I would assign a moral judgment to it. At best he's just eliminating himself so whatever. Ryan needs to fall immediately but it is supposed to look like an accident. He does fall, but you can hear the producers rolling their eyes that it was not fake at all. Ben agrees and now they're all freaking out. It was pretty bad. Ryan calls him out and Ben doubles down and says it was so fake bro. It worked out in the end because now Ben is pissed and more determined to win his head-to-head.
Braxton has to win. There is no room for failure. They've set it up so Braxton is the last one left on his team and he has to beat everyone by himself. The last matchup is of course Ben vs. Braxton. They get back at about the same time, and Ben is too into it. Of course his counter is rigged, but everyone acts like they didn't think this would happen. First of all, Matt sent Kristen Wiig to the hospital in season 1, and then the Schmo from season 3 sent himself to the hospital in a challenge. So why would you not be prepared for this? Of course Braxton wins, but it is at least close.
Ben is pissed Ryan threw so that's an easy vote. He's talking to his alliance about honor and integrity, which is mildly annoying. Turns out this is fine for the producers, because they were trying to make Ryan a target. They have one more thing to make sure Ben votes for Ryan, and that is for Charles Michael to encourage Ben to rummage through Ryan's stuff. Ben refuses, because he's trying to be a good person, so Charles Michael goes by himself and pours orange juice in Ryan's shoes. Heh. Ryan comes into the room where most people are and of course dumps the orange juice on the floor and
accuses Charles Michael. “Why'd you put orange juice in your shoes?” Like someone would put orange juice in their own shoes. Ryan says he trained with Chet Hanks. Heh. He tries to claim the shoes cost $400 and Ben says he'll reimburse Ryan's dad. “Oh so you're a comedian, give me your tight 5”. Ben responds “I would eat you like a bowl of cereal”. This is very fun. Once Ben leaves the room Ryan cracks up.
Ben doesn't like that Ryan was shitting on his alliance, or that he threw the challenge, and he's giving Charles Michael a hug. Ben will obviously vote for Ryan. But then Ben is telling Charles Michael how Trevor and Chastity will always vote together. They need to go. Now everyone freaks out again because I guess even though the vote is rigged, they need Ben to believe in the vote. If his alliance all has beef with Ryan, then when Ryan is up for elimination it makes sense. But if Ben asks them all to vote for Trevor and Chasity, and neither of them are up, then he will think his alliance betrayed him and that's a big problem. Strategically he wants to get rid of a sibling, more than getting rid of Ryan because he sucks. Charles Michael and Agnes say they're going to do it. Ben goes to Maya and argues that they can get rid of Ryan whenever they want but they can't leave the siblings any longer. He even goes to Braxton to tell him who is in the alliance and who they're going to vote for. Braxton has to say he's already bonded with the siblings, especially Chastity. Chastity has to go now. Trevor is weak because he wouldn't bow to the goat so he can go later.
Ben tells his alliance that Jessica is in with voting Trevor and Chastity. Maya says they have to be authentic all the time, because he knows if they're full of it. Charles Michael floats the idea that it would be so crazy if those two weren't up there. The producers are shocked Ben is playing as hard as he is, but no one goes on reality shows anymore because they're bored. Everyone is competitive at all times. I can't believe you banked this storyline on Ben not participating. The producers discuss that if Trevor is not in the bottom, Ben will know his alliance screwed him. And if Ryan doesn't go home, someone has to. Would they change up the elimination order on the fly like that? They might have to.
OK see I think this is one of my issues with the show that leaves me disappointed, and it's that Cat describes this ceremony as “over the top” but it's not. You wear a cloak and someone smashes a vase. Cat tells us the writers called an audible and rewrote the script, due to how hard Ben was playing. Ryan is no longer in the bottom. It makes sense, because if the alliance is a big storyline, having them obviously not vote with Ben ruins that. Cat is doing a voiceover about how she has to not break when she says the ridiculous things here, but honestly it's not that ridiculous. Ralph had to say shit like “someone will leave the lap of luxury and go back to reality's hoopdie” and “if you do not receive a pearl necklace, your neck remains bare and you must walk the Trail of Tears and leave the house”. You just have to tell Braxton to put on the Golden Horns. Also Ben gets a sash for being goatkeeper, which is just a yellow ribbon. He doesn't put on the sash properly and they have to whisper at him about it.
Cat puts on her best Probst impression and asks everyone dumb questions. Charles Michael says there is an “obvious outsider” so he and Ryan can snipe at each other. Jessica has her head in her hands because she's laughing. Get your shit together. No one has an Advantage Token. Unlike last week when everyone was boring, Trevor licks the goat statue's ear and Ryan says he's voting for Charles and also Michael. Ben casts his votes for Chastity and Trevor.
The two people in the bottom are Trevor and Agnes. Agnes? Ben looks very confused. Jessica is still laughing and she's claiming it's because the paintings on the vases are so shitty. Somehow she has managed to laugh so hard she's crying so it works out. Charles Michael whispers “Who the fuck voted for Agnes?” and Ben is baffled. Trevor says that he didn't expect to be here, but he's grateful to have been on the show and to get to know Braxton. He's good if he is eliminated because no one will judge him but God and his church. Agnes says she's glad she's not Braxton because it means she doesn't have to make this decision, and she loves everyone and it's been special. Fake kisses for all. Braxton monologues that “$wagne$” is fun and loving, and to Trevor he says that he respects the bond he (I assume Trevor) has with his sister, they were all praying together, etc. Trevor perks up at this statement, and then Braxton smashes Agnes's vase. Ben is in the back row saying “wow” over and over. Agnes hugs everyone and Ben promises everyone they'll get to the bottom of this. The producers start yelling that he's “doing the math” because of course he is. What the fuck did you think would happen? If I'm counting right there are ten people left, and Ben thought four of them were allied with him, including Agnes, and that also Jessica was voting with them. That's half of who's left, so there's no way for Agnes to end up in the bottom unless one of those people lied about who they were voting for. The producers should have known he'd be investigating. You changed this storyline BECAUSE you thought he'd think too hard about who voted for who. Don't panic now. Ben thinks Braxton has it bad for Chastity so that's why he saved Trevor. His work is cut out for him.
Next week: Ben searches for an Advantage Token. That's pretty much it.
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