So “Joe Schmo” is back on television. The articles about this premiere made it sound like this is a new idea, as if this isn't the fourth season of this show. But I guess part of how the show works is you need to wait between seasons so everyone forgets this show is a thing, or else people are too suspicious. (click for more)
I read some articles about the show, and they all mention "Jury Duty", which was not technically a sequel or part of "Joe Schmo" at all. In "Jury Duty" producers chose a "regular" guy, Ronald, and told him he was going to be part of a documentary on jury duty. Then the whole rest of the jury, the lawyers, the defendant, the judge, all of them were actors. After the verdict was read, the "judge" called Ronald out and explained the show to him, and praised him for being a nice person. But it's not the same as Joe Schmo. First of all, there were no confessionals. No shots of people out of character, no producer meetings, nothing. There was a brief screen at the start of each episode explaining the premise and then that was it. If you tuned in in the middle of the episode it just looked like a ripoff of "The Office". It's even listed as a "comedy series", not a "reality show". So while the concept was "one regular person and a bunch of actors" the show itself was just "there's a jury and everyone is weird". Also Ronald didn't think he was competing for anything, so there wasn't the undercurrent of "everyone is a stereotype because that's how casting works" or "I want to win" or anything like that.
You have to wait 10 years between seasons so people forget there was a fake reality show and that's a thing that we do. But I'm not sure you can do this anymore. The first season of “Joe Schmo” happened in 2003. I think “Survivor” was only on season 3 or maybe 4, “Big Brother” was just getting started, and we hadn't had a single fake show. No “Joe Millionaire”, no” I Wanna Marry Harry”. The genre was brand new. There was just enough to know that people were cast as broad stereotypes, and when you get voted off there's a ceremony, and prizes. Unless the new guy has been under a rock this whole time, he should be much more genre savvy and the same tricks are not going to work. At a minimum he's going to be looking for twists and "shocking" announcements that will "shake up the game" so he could be inspecting everything closely.
Also while it is suspect that "just a regular guy" is once again a straight white man, anyone who isn't a straight white man is still having a hard time on reality TV and there are so many complications that I'm not sure you could do it. I mean season 2 hired some non-white actors just to eliminate them within the first five minutes, to prove this exact point. They called it the "black ball ceremony" for fuck's sake. If I wanted to be really cynical I'd say that TV producers really want to remind you "not all men" by finding a straight white man who isn't a jerk and is maybe an ally and would be respectful to women.
Alright let's start. Here is Ben. He's gonna be in our fake show. Everything is scripted and all the competitions are rigged. Blah blah you guys know the deal, you just read a whole page about it. Sadly Ralph is not here to host. I'm sad about this because Ralph was amazing. Instead it's Cat Deeley, because I guess you need someone vaguely famous to host. Is Cat Deeley actually British? Wait, I don't care either way.
Why Ben? He is the “most normal, good-hearted, down-to-earth guy we could find”. Ben is a 28-year-old electrician who fishes, hunts, owns a condo, but is also single. His condo is nice but is pretty stereotypical “single straight man living alone” in terms of decoration. He goes to his parents' house, who tell him to have fun but be a good person. They think he will always do the right thing. I know he is from Baltimore but everyone is giving off full-blooded Midwestern corn-fed goodness vibes. He's cute but also there is a level of genericness. Will be be “a goofball” later? Maybe. Oh God, I was just going to be like “well when the first season of this show came out I was much younger and would have reacted differently” but that was TWENTY years ago. I was the age Ben is now. So now I feel old. But yes, I was much thirstier then and I would have gushed about how cute he is. Now there is a high bar because I love not having to share a bathroom or negotiate what TV show to watch with another person. Also the bar is higher than “generic white guy “.
In the limo they make Ben put on a blindfold. This show will only be ten days long, and if he can make it to the end he gets $100,000. There's no way he won't make the end unless he quits early, I guess. We meet some of the fake contestants, including Charles Michael (conspiracy theorist), Trevor and Chastity (“the singing siblings”), Ryan (YouTube prankster), and Jonathan Lipnicki. Playing himself as a douchebag. Interesting. So season 3 of this show had Lorenzo Lamas, and “Jury Duty” had James Marsden, both as weirdo versions of themselves, and I guess we're continuing that. You will probably feel old when I tell you Jonathan is 34. Or you feel nothing because you don't know who he is. Also Braxton (the alpha). Producers tell the “contestants” to forget everyone's names and meet each other for the first time. Cat is breathlessly asking if they can pull it off. Listen, if it was a total and complete disaster, it would not have made it to air. So I already know there is some level of success.
Some producer meets Ben's car and leads him into the house. Everyone else is standing in a U-shape with their own blindfolds. Cat tells us the idea of this first challenge is to be so chaotic Ben won't get the chance to question anything. Everyone has different colored track suits with names on them. Sort of vaguely “Squid Game” without being sue-able. A different producer goes “Voice of God” to tell everyone to remove their blindfolds. Then that they have four minutes. To do what? Who knows? There are no other instructions. There are some symbols around the room, and then a big pentagon with some Korean and five buttons. Someone says “hey buttons” and goes over and hits one. The voice says “violation”. I missed the first word. Braxton says no one touch anything until they figure out what's going on. The symbols are on sticks, each one with a yellow goat's head and whatever symbol. The sticks are removable, so people take those out and luckily nothing else happens. One of the sticks appears to have a laser. Braxton has to win without being obvious he knows what is happening. But honestly, this screams Indiana Jones and having to line up sticks of different heights to let the laser go through and hit something, probably one of the buttons. So it's not like this would be impossible without knowing the trick ahead of time.
Ben is mostly standing around looking confused, and Maya (“gamer girl”) tells him not to do anything yet. You can just call her “gamer”, girls can be gamers, SHOW. She interviews that Maya is supposed to be Ben's BFF and the “normal” one. He says he'll trust Maya. Meanwhile she can't let him win so he has to be kept far away from the buttons. With five seconds left, everyone gets the lasers lined up to light up one of the buttons, and Braxton is right there so he hits it. Ben was in no danger of being anywhere near the buttons and winning.
A banner unfurls near the ceiling with a goat head and “The Goat” on it. Various people start jumping up and down and being excited and saying they love this game, etc. Ben of course has never heard of it. Ryan is busy telling him about how it's a Korean game show with 25 seasons or whatever. In confessional, Ryan is like “what's up it's ya boi” so I wonder if he's a real YouTuber. He calls Charles Michael his best friend (Charles Michael has zero reaction which is funny) and then he explains what “The Goat” is supposed to be. He actually doesn't, it's just several clips of weird-looking games and like, a hedge maze and a pool, and some Korean guy speaking in Korean with a voiceover that says everything is fake, even this voiceover. Then there is a disclaimer that no really, this is fake, no one actually make this show because it's dumb. Was that necessary? Or is that supposed to be a joke? Eh. Ben knew it was a “house competition show” but also thought that there would be romance involved for some reason. But he's glad there is not actually romance.
Cat comes in with two guys in monks' robes. Welcome to The Goat USA! Cat says “Shabuya hee!” and does a weird thing with her right hand hitting her chest twice (once over each boob) and then doing like, a jazz hand. Everyone else yells “Shabuya ho!” and the same hand thing. This phrase is of course meaningless, but I feel slightly offended that they picked a vaguely Asian-sounding phrase and ran with it. Would it have been so hard to actually say something in Korean? I highly doubt Ben knows actual Korean. Instead “shabuya” is Japanese for a shop/restaurant that sells shabu shabu, or hot pot. So...good job. To win “The Goat” you have to have it all: smarts, athletics, whatever. You are never safe, which I guess means no immunity. And anything can happen! Something just did happen! Cat calls out Barbara, who is the woman who pushed the button and caused the violation. She is immediately eliminated, and if you think I missed that Barbara is a middle aged black woman? I see you, show. She protests, but the two monk guys drag her out of the room. “No for real!?!?” Heh. I was hoping for “fuck this cocksucking show” but no dice.
Every day there is a challenge, and if you win you are safe. So there IS immunity! You just said you are never safe! Whatever. You will also be crowned “the all-powerful” “Holder of the Horns”. This is a half mask that goes over the top of your head, with horns and goat ears. It is shiny but I'm sure it's plastic. There also appears to be a neon halo with spikes. Like a white circle with yellow/orange spikes like sun rays. This is on a bust of a goat head and the shoulders have a fur robe with a collar and a fake medallion. I am hoping that is a robe you also wear, in addition to this dumbass hat. Every night, two people get nominated for “The Sacrifice” by vote. Then the Holder of the Horns gets to pick who goes home. Ben promises us he will be smart with his money if he wins, pay off his condo and save money. Also maybe buy a kitten. Aww.
Braxton is announced the winner since he hit the button first. Time for strategery. Charles Michael interviews that this was perfect and Ben bought it. Cut immediately to Ben declaring “that woman was an actor, 100%”. People are like, no, really? “You think that was real?” See this is why I don't know if you can do this show anymore. Would a reality show hire an actor to be immediately eliminated to put everyone else on edge like they could also be kicked for no reason? They might. “Hell's Kitchen” told a group of new contestants they would have to shave their heads, and got two people actually shave their heads and pretend to be contestants just to fuck with everyone. So I don't think it's impossible. And Ben knows that. People look vaguely panicked and they all interview about how they're fucked. But we know they're not fucked because there are several more episodes. Someone says they could tell she was playing up her reaction for TV, and then a producer tells them all to leave the room so they can change gears. A different producer tells everyone not to play so big. Ben then interviews that he would have acted the same way, so did he change his mind about her being an actor? Also does everyone have secret earpieces? Because otherwise who is the producer talking to?
Everyone goes to the rest of the house, which is weird and covered in goat artwork and shit. People introduce themselves to each other. Jonathan is just saying “Hi I'm Jonathan” and Ben has no idea. Ben might not be old enough. Agnes (who is much older) asks if Ben knows who this is. Was there a plan for a big “oh hey you look familiar” or “You're that famous guy!” over-the-top reaction and they decided on the fly not to be suspicious? Because there are introductions, Ben starts talking to Maya about where he lives, and then Agnes interrupts them to tell them that Jonathan was in Stuart Little. Like, she is futzing with a chair, and then saying “do you know who this is” and it is for sure Maya who says “yeah he was in Stuart Little”. Ben has the appropriate “NO WAY” reaction, but from his view Maya just causally knows this is an actor and doesn't care and didn't react to his introduction. Jonathan has brought his round glasses which is hilarious. He is playing “Hollywood douchebag” and is convinced he will be the one to fuck up. Everyone asks Ryan not to prank them. Someone asks him how many subs he has, and he says “um like, anywhere from like, four to eight figures at this point”. That range is 1000 to a billion. Perfect. His parents still help him out, though, and then he curses that he just said that on TV. Trevor's dad manages him and Chastity, he is a very big pastor of Prosperity Church, “the nation's first for-profit church”. First of all, no it's not, and second of all, this sounds like a John Oliver bit. Ben is shocked they're proud of that.
Someone comes to take them to the bedrooms. As per usual, you have to share bedrooms, and all the beds are shitty daybeds with too many pillows and giant mirrors. Jonathan of course picks out a bed someone else already picked out because it's in his contract he has to face a certain way for anxiety reasons. Heh. Maya kind of rolls her eyes and walks off, and he thanks her and calls her “Myra”. She of course is like “my name's Maya, what's your name again?” I guess this whole thing was just so Ben could talk about what a jerk he is and we can be like “Yeah! Fuck the rich!” or whatever.
Ben talks to Charles Michael about how he'd love to make friends. Charles Michael doesn't want to be famous. He just wants the money to build his bunker. He's hilariously weird. Everyone is out to get him and he is wondering how deep everything goes. Ben asks about some...other conspiracy theorist? Podcast? Something about avocados and honey, I don't know. Charles Michael quietly freaks out because he did not do enough research. He thought he could just make shit up for two weeks. We meet Louis Lewis (it's pronounced “Lewis Lewis”) who is a fake producer. So this is the smartest thing they've done, which is to have a producer who is active in starting shit. Then they just radio his earpiece and tell him what storylines need bumping and he goes and does it. So the team in the standard “big control room with a million camera feeds” tells him “Maya and Charles Michael should form an alliance with Ben” and he goes to get everyone together. Maya and Ben discuss if they're in shape, and they discuss who else is a threat or whatever. Ben brings up that Braxton has the Horns today, and Maya just looks at him blankly as if she's forgotten how that works. Saved, though, because Ben doesn't really know what that means, so she can explain the rules again. Ben interviews that Maya would be a good partner because she knows what's going on. They agree to an alliance. Charles Michael then pulls Ben into a bedroom to propose they ally too. Ben says he had already approached Maya, but Charles Michael is fine with it. The Nobodies. Or possibly the No Bodies, it's not clear.
Time for a villain. For no reason, Trevor and Chastity are sharing a bed. Not to sleep together but to trade off when they need to nap? This is said aloud just so Jonathan can be a dick about it, but no one ever explains why they're doing it. Are there not enough beds? Or are they just weird? Trevor says in confessional “Every story needs a villain. And today's villain is the six-year-old from Jerry Maguire.” Heh. Jonathan just continues to insult people. But Ryan has decided he says “splonk” which a word he made up and is his thing and like, a way of life, so he kind of deserves to get made fun of for that. Maya laughs at Jonathan for insisting Stuart Little was Oscar-nominated (it was for effects!) and he calls her Myra again and says it's the same name.
Ben and Jonathan sit somewhere and Ben tries to get him to see he's being a douchebag. Trevor and Chastity are creepy so they deserve to get called out for sharing a bed. Smash cut to the two of them singing Life Teen songs and points to whoever wrote the perfect combo of easy singability and sexual lyrics about Jesus. Then Jonathan says they should kick Maya out. He should have called her Myra. Of course there's no way Ben will get rid of her. He wanted to help Jonathan but he just kind of gives up eventually. He walks off, and Jonathan chases him to attempt to make an alliance. Ben is still trying to get him not to be a douchebag. Charles Michael appears, so they can talk about how his middle name is Harvey and Jonathan can make stupid Kennedy assassination comments. Later Maya works on Ben by telling him she's been defending him. People are talking about physical challenges and how he's a threat. He does not want to go home first.
The contestants are summoned by the monks blowing goat horns. Heh. Cat explains that every reality show has its own elimination ceremony. This one needs to feel tense and real. Everyone puts on raspberry colored cloaks, and file into a room with Cat. There are vases (like picture a Greek vase with the two handles) and each one has someone's face on it. They are shitty pictures. This is The Sacrifice. Ben whispers that he didn't think it would be this heavy, and the producers giggle about it. I notice that the Asian woman who used to overreact to everything doesn't seem to be around. But also the majority of them are masked so how long ago did they film this show? Braxton gets to put on the goat horn hat thing. The halo isn't part of it, sadly, so it looks cheap. Time for Denouncements. You must enter “the goat's lair”, which just looks like an alcove of the library. There is a goat statue? Bust on a stand? With a cloak, and then you must whisper your two votes to “the goat priest”. The two people with the most Denouncements are placed in Capricorn's Clamps. These are stocks, but instead of bending over to put your head and hands in the stocks they are above you. Imagine kneeling and then put your hands by your head, and that's the position. Ben's the only one who has a real vote, and he votes for Jonathan and Ryan. OK so far this dumbass “ceremony” isn't dumb enough. It needs more Ralph and more puns or something. It needs fake votes like “Jonathan smells”. Is it too serious maybe? I don't know, are my standards too high?
Maya is nervous for no reason, because it feels so real. The two people up are Jonathan and Ben. The Clamps don't make you kneel, there's a stool. Several people are breaking character and it looks very obvious from here. Ben gets to beg Braxton to spare him. Braxton has a sledgehammer which is hilarious. Ben says “don't slaughter this goat yet” and that his decision is probably easy but you do you and no hard feelings. Jonathan tells Ben his speech was shit, and then claims it's been humbling to be around normal people and to think this is how his life might have turned out. It would have really sucked. OK that was funny. Then he quotes Jerry Macguire and tells everyone “you complete me”. People are pretending to cry to hide how they are laughing. Braxton gets to eliminate someone, so he pauses forever (but doesn't talk) and then smashes Jonathan's vase. Jonathan takes his hands out of the stocks to throw his hands up and go “really?” As he leaves he says he won't apologize to anyone, fuck you all. One last twist though, which is that there are five Advantage Tokens, which will be hidden around the compound. Each one has “powers”. Hilariously Cat leaves, and then everyone else files out and leaves Ben in the stocks and they turn the lights out.
This season: dumb challenges, real goats (of course, there had better be real live goats), a lot of dumb nonsense. Ben plays too hard. Can the writers stay ahead of him? He is very suspicious in several spots. Cat says they've been keeping a big secret, and I guess
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