Jingle Bell Run

 

Hello! Welcome to...whatever this is going to be. We have a long time to wait for more shows. Amazing Race is coming out in March, and Top Chef is coming...next year sometime. They've announced they're going to Canada. But Toyouke, there's already a Top Chef: Canada. That is true. Who knows. And Project Runway is actually coming back next year! It will be on Freeform, which used to be ABC Family, so I think it will also be on Disney+. Supposedly there will be “new judges and mentors” which is too bad. I'm leery of this move because of how wretched the Lifetime seasons were. But we'll see.

Anyway we are here today for a Hallmark Christmas Movie. I know! But Miss Alli posted about it and here we are. If you are old enough to remember Television Without Pity you probably remember Miss Alli. This is a Hallmark Christmas movie that centers around a “race” with teams and “challenges” and “Phil”. Let's go. (click for more)

OK full disclosure, I watched this movie already and it was terrible as expected. Hallmark movies take themselves a little too seriously and they are bad, but not bad enough to be a solid bad movie like Sharknado or Snakes on a Plane. I do not generally watch any Hallmark/Lifetime/whatever network Christmas movies, unless Dolly Parton is involved. Those have plots that don't revolve around romance and they have good singing. But I couldn't resist the description of “Hallmark meets Amazing Race”.

So we open with our heroine Avery, who is teaching elementary students in Chicago. There are yellow school buses outside so this is not intended to be a private school, which I mention because she has a Christmas tree, ornaments, decorations, the whole 9 yards. She is also telling the kids about how it's great the country has so many Christmas traditions, as all the kids make Christmas ornaments, and each one has to get up in front of the class and talk about their ornament. You can't do this unless you're at a Christian school. Not everyone celebrates Christmas! Plus what if your kids have trauma about Christmas, or it's the first holiday after their parents' divorce, or Mom and Dad told them there isn't money for presents since Dad lost his job? No actual teachers participated in this.

Sorry, it bugs me but I will try not to derail this movie or we'll be here all day. Avery calls on a random student to share, and the little girl gets stage fright. But one encouraging pep talk from Avery about how she believes in the girl and she speaks perfectly. The rest of the school also has trees and wreaths and whatnot. This school has too much money. Later on Avery sits in the very nice teacher's lounge solving a crossword puzzle. Because she's smart, you see. A random guy congratulates her, but she seems clueless. Her sister Ruby shows up to bring her lunch. I'm not sure what Avery was going to do for lunch, since this was a surprise and she immediately starts eating, but whatever. We establish all of Avery's family is going out of town for Christmas, and Ruby has an idea for something she can do to pass the time. Another person offers congratulations, and Ruby has a terrible poker face, so Avery knows something is up. Turns out Ruby signed her up for “The Great Holiday Dash”, which is a thinly-veiled Amazing Race knockoff, right down to the Dollar Store Phil “Keegan Edwards” Keoghan they have hired to be host. We are not discussing how 1. Ruby faked being her sister all the way through casting, without anyone contacting Avery, or 2. the cast has been announced without contacting Avery, or 3. the race starts in like two days. You can even win a million dollars! Avery is not interested because she is boring. To be fair, not many people would be OK with this, but the message is that Avery is too boring and this is how she's going to learn to love or whatever. Ruby says, “When did you become a bystander to your own life?” which is a valid criticism. Is the answer to that “be on reality TV?” Probably not. Avery refuses.

We cut to Wes, who calls himself “The Slapshot King of Chicago”, recording an ad for some kind of energy drink on someone's phone. He doesn't look particularly like a pro athlete but he's generically attractive, which is how these movies work. I will say they have allowed both leads to look like they're older than 25 so that's something. Turns out this is his agent, and he doesn't even have the sponsorship yet. He's just filming free ads in the hopes that the drink company will be impressed and give him money. Sadly his “rival” has already signed a deal. Wes complains that this guy is always taking the spotlight from him or whatever. His agent (the guy who was filming) suggests that if he wants to do something he can call his brother back and co-host hockey games on TV or radio or whatever. But he says absolutely not. Turns out he's on “The Great Holiday Dash” so he can stay famous that way.

Avery walks into a surprise party in her classroom, in different clothes so I guess it's the next day. The kids have thrown her a party about how they believe in her and she can win this show. Well, at least the little girl from the beginning does. Immediately Avery is all in and goes to Ruby for workout tips. I will give Hallmark some credit because Ruby is larger than Avery, but she is the one who works in a gym and is fit. Anyway, cue the “nerd fails at working out” montage. I actually don't know if this is supposed to be over several days or one day or what.

Ruby bails to pack for her trip, which leaves Avery to figure out the treadmill on her own. She can't get it to work, so she moves her stuff to another one just as Wes shows up and takes it. She then tells him the other one is broken, but of course she just is too dumb to work it because she's a clumsy nerd, you see. They have a dumb competition where they try to each run faster than the other one, until they fall off the back of the treadmills. Well, Avery falls and grabs Wes and they both fall. This is just so they can hate each other and then when they get paired up on the show they can see each other and say “You!” You know they will. Wes basically says he likes this gym so she needs to find a new one.

So it's the first day of the show, and there are a bunch of tents set up, craft services, a very cozy shoot. No one is dressed in any kind of athletic clothing. Avery meets Katie who is also a contestant. Some blond girl asks Wes for a selfie, and then his rival is there to distract blond girl, and then he bumps into Avery and they both go “You!” See I told you. Avery pretends to be intimidating but this girl is wearing ankle boots, jeans, a sweater, and a wool coat. On a race. Everyone is dressed like this and I'm upset. A producer says “best of luck” and there's one cameraman loitering around.

Keegan (I'd call him Dollar Store Phil but that takes too long to write) welcomes the contestants and lays out the show: you have tasks, of course, and then at the end there is a silver bell somewhere that you have to ring. Cell phones are confiscated. Then he informs them of the twist of this season: now you are in teams! I guess the surprise is necessary because if the show always had teams, then Avery being cast without her knowledge or a teammate would be even more unbelievable. Pre-assigned teams with pre-assigned shitty team nicknames on shitty satin jackets. The first team up is “Fab-Yule-ous” and spoiler alert: this is the gay team. Because of course it is. This is pandering. Anyway we continue with team names and they are all garbage until we get to Wes and Avery whose team name is “Team Sleigh Whaat?!” Let me be clear this is still garbage.

Now they have to race to some mailboxes, where the first clue is waiting for them. They will have to solve a riddle to figure out where to go, but there are not enough mailboxes so someone will be eliminated right now. That seems harsh. Not even making them solve a puzzle first before they get eliminated? Just a foot race? They all jog off, and honestly they did not run that fast. As Wes reads the clue aloud (they at least have envelopes with strips to rip off, as they should), Avery interrupts him constantly to solve the riddles. But the riddles are things like “Head to the square of Illinois' favorite son” so they aren't super hard. Anyway, once they establish where they're going there is an argument about surface streets vs. the expressway, so they at least got that right.

As Wes and Avery run in, Keegan is talking about German immigrants and everyone else is already here. Wait, so being last is meaningless? They're going to wait for you to show up and not start the task until everyone is here? Then what's the point? This is even worse than the bunching on the real show. Your task is to crack a pitcher of walnuts. That's it. Not even with a novelty nutcracker shaped like a person, with regular nutcrackers! And you don't have to pile them any way or measure or anything! Terrible. So once that's done they run outside with their clue and of course Avery knows where they might be going because of a unit she did in school. “The site of the tea party” is not a hard clue but the ski resort/park might be. But they seem to be doing what we all would do, which is buy tickets to Boston and figure it out later.

There is a short interstitial commercial for a movie that is apparently “mom hires writer to help her win the Christmas letter writing contest but then tells everyone he's her daughter's fiance”. Sure.

We have interviews and everyone is cute of course. The gay couple are Brad and Ramon, and the other team that matters is Katie and Shirley. Brad and Ramon are not sitting in the right order based on the graphic and now I'm irritated about that. Avery has never heard of Wes and also she describes herself as a “cruciverbalist”. Because she's smart. No one says that. As everyone gets on the same plane, Wes makes an ass of himself because we are to believe he can't read. He is bothering Brad and Ramon because while his ticket says 36C it “kind of looks like an F”. Come on. He also doesn't want Avery to be friendly with other contestants, which seems par for the course. Avery has obtained a crossword puzzle book somewhere, which is not a thing anyone on the real race would ever do. Avery then does an extended bit with a shitty Boston accent. Oh hey, fake plane and dotted line graphics!

At the ski resort or whatever, Keegan says there's a team missing. Someone managed to read a clue about America's most famous tea party and decided to travel to another state entirely. Keegan says they won't make it back in time, so I guess that even though they have waited for everyone here, there is some mysterious time limit that you can't go past, or you are too late and are eliminated. Honestly I think if you failed at basic history so much that “tea party” doesn't make you think “Boston” then you deserve it. Anyway the task is for each of them to make a slapshot with a puck made of fruitcake, because now Wes can prove he is useful. Also so he can help Avery by putting his arms around her to guide her, in the time honored tradition of rom coms everywhere. Wes has a good pep talk about how they maybe don't like each other but they need to get along to win.

For no reason they're giving everyone five minutes to practice. Or maybe this is the challenge? No one is being forced to wear their team jackets. Of course Wes is a good coach so they are not eliminated. Smash cut to everyone having hot cocoa, watching the last teams fail. Interestingly, Wes's rival (I didn't bother to learn his name) is eliminated. I had thought for sure they'd waste a bunch of time with Wes learning he didn't need to compete with this guy, he is good enough, something. No, he's just like, fourth team out. Avery makes Wes promise to be civil. Now it's time for “Eat-Sleep-Mingle”. First, though, we see the producer complaining that now the show doesn't have a celebrity, plus they were banking on a romance. No problem though, just kiss up to Wes about how he's the star and how he should flirt with Avery because it will really help his career. Clearly Avery will find this out at some point, after Wes has really fallen for her for real and it's drama.

Katie and Avery play chess and discuss how Wes is very competitive, and also how Katie is broke because she has student loans. They all hang out later and Shirley talks about missing her daughter Grace. She also appears to be doing some kind of punch embroidery? Where did this come from? Brad is a cook and Ramon dreams of being a chef. They are cutely awkward and naturally this will not qualify as a “romance” to the producers because of bullshit. The other teams leave and Wes and Avery awkwardly talk about their families for exposition. The point of this discussion is, Wes's brother also played hockey but didn't go pro so they have drifted apart and now it's weird.

In the morning Avery gets a solo interview about Wes and admits maybe she doesn't hate him. Then they get their clue and it says “Head to the borough of kings in New Amsterdam”. Avery knows New Amsterdam is New York City but so does everyone who has listened to They Might Be Giants so you're not special. But she's stumped on what borough is Kings. Really? Really. She finally remembers Queens exists and then says that Brooklyn is next to Queens so that must be it. What the fuck. It doesn't say “next to” or “adjacent” or “neighboring”. There is no reason to think it's Brooklyn instead of Queens. You couldn't even write accurate riddles? Terrible.

So in Brooklyn (terrible) the task is to make window displays. Really? They will be randomly assigned one of the twelve days of Christmas, and I'm going to make the same complaint I made when Top Chef did this, which is that if you're going to do The Twelve Days of Christmas YOU HAVE TO HAVE TWELVE TEAMS. Anyway, they will get donations (supposedly based on how good the windows are) and the team with the most donations wins. Lowest donations is out.

Wes and Avery get “Three French Hens” and are immediately stumped because they are dumb. Avery's interview is about how she doesn't think she'll win. Yeah, because they don't know what to do for three French hens. The “brainstorming” session is very awkward because these two cannot make it sound natural. Avery suggests painting, Wes suggests roast chicken, and then Avery decides she had a good idea after all. She says “palate” and “palette” a million times and then wanders off. There is zero urgency as they work. Also they had some kind of budget because there are a lot of props. Wes paints fake paintings and Avery cuts paper snowflakes so they can chat about how Wes doesn't want to be an announcer because it's too boring but he doesn't know what else to do with himself. Then Avery teaches him how to cut paper snowflakes because in addition to not being able to read letters, he's never done that either. Guys I think Wes skipped kindergarten. Avery got picked on in school so she spent her lunches in the library and that's why she's a nerd. Also her teacher told her to do it so that's why she teaches. Wes's snowflake is garbage but really it's just so they can make eye contact and suddenly feel urgency.

So this grand idea is to have three stuffed chickens in berets and striped shirts, with baguettes and cheese and croissants, painting artwork, with a metal Eiffel tower. No snowflakes were used. It's cute but I also don't think it's the genius amazing inspiration we are acting like it is. Especially since other non-losing windows include literally five circles painted gold and pears in bird cages. Anyway of course Wes and Avery win so they can be glad they're a team now and hug. Also get their clue and Avery runs off so the producer can tell Wes he's very convincing.

On the plane Avery still has her crosswords. There is a brief moment where everyone thinks Brad and Ramon aren't getting on the plane but they do, last minute. Well at least they got that right. Brad claims he used his flight attendant connections to get on the plane, which is certainly possible. The producer shows up and says that since they've all had to give up their cell phones, they have letters from home. That's Survivor. That's the WRONG SHOW. Sigh. Anyway this is just so Avery can get a letter from her student and Wes can get a Christmas card and photo from his brother and family.

In Texas everyone is in a barn in “Western” outfits. Keegan doesn't have to wear a cowboy hat which is dumb. There are “Country Dance World Champions” who do not look familiar, but they also seem to just be doing swing moves and lifts set to country music. So now you have to “dance” and keep up with the music. There is no dance to memorize, no steps, no criteria. Just don't suck I guess. Avery freaks out because she can't dance so Wes has to teach her that too. For sure there is a team just doing like a two step with no additional moves so clearly the bar is not high. We are also supposed to believe that Avery doesn't understand the concept of where to put her hands when it's one hand on a shoulder and the other holding hands, in the classic dance position. But she can do a dip. Whatever it's just for “sexual tension” the judges can interrupt to tell them they are in.

Oh also during this scene was a lower third ad for “Holiday Touchdown: A Chiefs Love Story”. I had to look this up. It's just that a super fan wants to win something and she falls for someone in the front office. It is not about Travis and Taylor.

So they get the clue and sit outside to solve it. Why did they get this clue already? They're not going to leave until the next morning. You could have given it to them tomorrow? There is some drama because they don't know what “star” is in Spanish, but they do an actual smart thing and decide to figure it out when they get to Santa Fe. Avery brings up romance, so we can get exposition about how Wes's last relationship ended when he retired from hockey (implied because he was no longer famous) and Avery's last relationship ended because she was boring (implied when she says her fiance left her because she “had no sense of adventure” and “was risk-adverse”). Also her “encourage kids to read” non-profit already exists. It was one of the things her sister used to try to get her to do the show at first, but I didn't mention it because it doesn't matter. Avery has student loans and of course a non-profit giving back to the community because Hallmark Christmas Movie heroines' only fault is not being open to love the first non-threateningly handsome guy that comes by.

In the morning Avery drives their team to the airport, so she can look at him while asleep. Wes mentions they are right on time, and they run into the airport, which seems...small. Like, there is a lobby or waiting area building, but it opens directly to the tarmac. The Amazing Plane and Dotted Line take off to Santa Fe...and circle back around to Abilene, Texas. Heh. Turns out they're at the wrong airport. In real life the only place you can get to from Abilene is Dallas/Ft. Worth, which is where they actually are supposed to be. They complain about not knowing Dallas/Ft. Worth has two airports, which is hilarious. First of all, Abilene is 2.5 hours away, not 20 miles. Second, if you ever looked at a map, ever, there is no way you would consider Abilene “a second airport in Dallas/Ft. Worth”. Anyway I can't stay mad at airport drama, and they decide to hitchhike, because of course there is no rental car available. Also of course the truck they hitch a ride with has “estrella” on it so they know that's “star” in Spanish, and also we are to believe it's snowing in Texas. Also we are to believe they are so close to their flight leaving that they can't make a 20 mile drive and still make the flight.

Magically the truck is going to Santa Fe so they make it. Somehow they know they are five hours overdue, which is dumb. Yes you're overdue but how do you know that unless you know for sure everyone was on the same flight? Whatever, the point is, at least this actor playing Keegan has seen at least one episode of Amazing Race because he does a fantastic job of a classic Phil fakeout. While they ARE five hours late, so is everyone else because the snow grounded all the flights. OK I do believe a sad, paltry amount of snow would bring Texas to a halt. The task in Santa Fe is to hit piñatas. First of all, Keegan explains the concept of piñatas as if none of us has ever seen one before, which is insulting quite frankly. Secondly, even in this trash movie I cannot escape Swedish Roulette. Sadly no one hurts themselves or their teammates. The clue is about Oregon and wineries. We are supposed to believe Avery knows “The Beaver State” is Oregon, but “Santa's saintly alias” is too difficult at first.

So they had their clue, then solved it, then ended up hanging out drinking. Why. Why not give them the clue tomorrow morning. If they haven't solved it, you just gave them hours to figure it out before they have to get on a plane and prove they know what's going on. Anyway, as the girls hang out, Katie gives Avery shit for caring about Wes. Wes has an interview where he says he hopes the show will make him famous again, although maybe it's time for new memories. Maybe family is more important than being famous and it's time to be Santa for the family again. Sure.

OK now is the dumbest and most fake part. As the other contestants are hanging out, Wes shows up with a sack of presents. When did he go shopping? With what money? Who let him leave the building? Who gave him a Santa hat and velvet sack? He gives Brad and Ramon “Yule Log and Yummy Nog Holiday Recipes” which is a terrible name for a cookbook. In addition to the fact that they were too cheap to mock up a paperback book cover, so it is painfully obvious this is a paper book jacket they printed and placed on top of a real book. Brad is going to use the money to open a restaurant if he wins, which Ramon says he is also doing if they win. I guess we are just acting like they're a couple and will share this gift. Shirley gets a fake children's book about reindeer, because her daughter Grace loves them. Shirley reveals Grace is actually dead, but she's going to start a college fund with the money for her other kids. She was carefully talking about Grace like she was alive and also Shirley's favorite. Katie gets a journal. Woo. She is apparently writing a Broadway play, which she is now going to do on a leather-bound journal that is smaller than regular paper. Avery gets a jewelry-sized box, and everyone suddenly is tired! So tired! Right guys! OK Bye! It's not jewelry but an ornament of the United States. Also Wes doesn't want to be a coach because he doesn't want to be on the sidelines. But he's such a good coach for Avery! Whatever. Anyway Avery is touched and they almost kiss but they spy the camera because these camerapeople are terrible just like this movie. A real Amazing Race cameraperson would have been out of sight. Blah blah you've coached me so well blah blah I'd pick you for my team blah blah just sneak into each other's rooms like high school kids on a field trip already. Also the producer says he saw what happened, so follow through next time.

While renting a car in Oregon the lady at the counter flirts with Wes, so we can see Avery get pissed. It turns out they got the last car, and Brad and Ramon just walked in. They decide to all go in the same car, which devolves into singing Christmas carols and getting lost. At least we get to see people standing in the middle of nowhere with a paper map on the hood of the car, arguing about shortcuts. It's like they saw one episode and then stopped watching.

Keegan does a great fakeout, because Katie and Shirley were about to win. It's a winery so time to crush grapes with your feet until you fill the bottle. If you watch closely you can see a shot where Avery clearly still has shoes on. The boys finish first, and then Wes and Avery because of course they can't be out now. There's still 20 minutes of this movie. They hand out the next clue, again stupidly because no one leaves when they figure it out.

Instead of leaving, they hang around the winery. Wes says they're leaving in three hours but they're still at the winery getting wine. It's all contrived so that the producer can tell Wes they needs something big for the final episode, like tell Avery you're in love with her, and Avery can overhear and run away before she can hear Wes tell the producer that he shouldn't have agreed to this plan because he fell in love with her for real and it's not worth it. So that now Avery can confront him and he can say “it's not what you think” and she can cry and say she never wants to see him again. After they finish the game, of course.

Back in Chicago Wes finds the producer and acts like he'll get fired for causing the show's “favorite couple” to stop speaking to each other. First of all, there's still Brad and Ramon, which is how you know they didn't watch enough Amazing Race because they've never not shown gay couples. Secondly, as if a real reality show wouldn't get just as much of a ratings boost from the drama of a breakup as a declaration of love. Supposedly Wes's story about “wouldn't you do anything to get that person you care about back” is enough to make the producer go tell Avery the whole story so she'll forgive Wes. Come on. Anyway then Wes comes over and says he'll give up being famous for her. Avery dodges this and says let's concentrate on the finale, although we all know where this is going.

The final task is crossword puzzles. Stupid, they're not even a memory task. Once you solve it you get your final clue and you can find the silver bell. Everyone makes sure we hear how only one team member has to ring the bell for both of them to win. FORESHADOWING.

The teams run in different directions, but Brad and Ramon get there first. I have to note Avery is running in heeled boots. These clues are Christmas themed but not race themed which is a travesty. The final clue is “the mirror image of a divine Nativity navigator”. The “Nativity navigator” is the star, but of course that doesn't fit so they take forever to figure out a three-letter word for “star” where the middle letter is R. Come on. Oh but then they ignored the “mirror image” part of the clue, which of course means to write it in reverse. I get that maybe these clues are only easy if you do a lot of puzzles. The issue is that supposedly Avery does a lot of puzzles. And she's been really dumb about some of them, to the point where it's obvious she's just been written to be dumb so she and Wes can talk out the answer. They get one last clue which is nearby so we get a footrace. I think they should have had to yell CHECK and stand there while someone checks the puzzle and eventually tells them they're right and hands them a clue.

As they run away Wes trips on nothing, so Avery can run by herself and find the bell. TWO Swedish Roulette tasks!? Do you know how mad we'd be if the final task was “find a bell in one of these boxes”? Also how did Keegan get down here so quickly?

Now we are at a fancy party, some time later, so three of Avery's kids can show up to be cute and Ruby can arrive with drinks and Wes's brother can also arrive for a heartfelt reunion. Keegan gets everyone's attention to ask what they're going to do with the money. Avery says the following things: start her after-school reading program, pay off her student loans, start a scholarship fund named after Shirley's daughter Grace, give Katie some money for her play, and invest in Brad and Ramon's restaurant. Girl you only have a million dollars. Well they let the boys kiss so I GUESS but this is still pandering. Wes, in contrast, is just going to start a youth hockey league and be a coach. Oh and also give money to everyone else like Avery. You're just doing it so you don't look bad.

Wes and Avery sneak out to the balcony, where we are lead to believe it's December in Chicago and no one needs a coat outside, and now we can declare our feelings and kiss finally. Whatever. Close mouthed kissing only and hands above the waist.

Well that was terrible. Thank you for joining me in the terribleness. Anyone could have made a more accurate Amazing Race knockoff. Hell, just repeat the blind date season except at least one team falls for each other. I hope this was a fun diversion and let's all hope we don't have to wait that long for new shows. See you soon!