Bromans 11/2/17--Season 1 Episode 8 summary

Previously on “Bromans”: The show is almost over! Everyone got spa time, and then an evening at the club. Callum got very drunk and turned into a jerk, and then felt very bad. The final challenge was the same as the first challenge, the chariot pull. In the end, Callum and Brandon were up for banishment and Callum was sent home. It was sad because I liked Callum a lot. But now it's time for the Emperor's Games and the last episode! (click for more)

OK this “epic” intro with Dominus and all the echos is terrible and therefore perfect for this show. I wonder if there is any voting involved today. Well at least we'll get one last episode of mostly naked men wrestling. And hopefully announcer Roman making dirty comments.

Doctore has summoned each lad to receive a “special gift”. Heh. It's just a leather tunic to serve as armor. Meanwhile the girls are chatting about how proud they are and how much they love their boyfriends. It all kind of blends together, but it's sweet and the lads are happy.

One more day to prepare, so...time for the girls to fight. Winner gets to pick her boyfriend's opponent in the first round of the Games. That's actually a pretty great prize. Brandon wishes to go up against Dino because he's “easy” and “I've done him before.” Nicola is like, thank God it's not up to you, dummy. Run through the Cesspit to get sandbags. There are three sandbags and you need two on your pillar.

Cherelle vs. Jade. Both girls are psyched. Cherelle gets an early lead, but Jade is on her back and she is not giving up. This is much more action than any of the boys ever had. Jade almost does it, but Cherelle gets the bag at the last second. Man, that was exciting. Jade has a bloody nose that she's mostly ignoring. Jordan almost couldn't watch.

Nicola vs. Rhiannon. Brandon tells us Nicola doesn't even swim. It looks like when they jump off the pillar, Nicola stumbles and so Rhiannon is in the lead very early. They fight hard for this. If the onscreen chyrons are to be believed, this match lasted for FORTY MINUTES. Holy shit. Finally at the end, Nicola just couldn't hang on.

And now Rhiannon has to fight Cherelle, who has had 40 minutes to recover. When Cherelle brings back her first bag, it is half on the pillar, and they show Rhiannon looking at it like it's about to fall off, or she's going to grab it or something. She tries to get Cherelle but I think Cherelle is like six inches taller than her and isn't tired, so she wins. She brags about how easy it was, because Cherelle isn't always the nicest person. Anyway, she wants Dino to face Brandon, who is weirdly cocky about how Dino sucks.

Back in the courtyard, it's time for penises. Specifically, time for penis molding. Well, after they read a thing about phalluses and Dino has to explain to some of the boys what a phallus is. Time for shots of the lads squatting with their dicks in clay jars. Dominus watches from the balcony and sighs that it's great to be in charge. Then it's unmolding time, which we have no problem showing on TV. Interesting. You know they could never do this on American TV. Brandon brags about how his penis touched the bottom of the pot. There is the exact amount of shittalking and shenanigans you could expect when a bunch of frat boys compare penis size.

At dinner everyone talks about how they're friends for life. Aww. Also sausage jokes.

OK. Time for the Emperor's Games. Confessionals with bragging and cockiness. Also Tom would love to tell his mom he won. The girls give good pep talks as they strap on wrist guards. Aww, everyone loves each other! It's so weirdly functional.

The lads enter the arena and soak up the cheering. Then Roman gets excited because the Emperor is finally here and we'll get to see him and then...he walks in and I have no idea who that is. OK so then Roman says “DAD!?!” so this is Martin Kemp, who was in “EastEnders” so if I was British I probably would have had a reaction. Sorry, show. Nicola recognizes him though. Hee.

Each lad gets to climb a couple steps and say a few words. Tom is here not to take part but to take over. Dino praises Cherelle and then promises no mercy. Brandon starts his speech with “Wow. What a journey” and ends with how he has the biggest dick. Dominus confirms. OK that was funny. Jordan tries to rile up the crowd and calls them all sexy, then says he's about to light this place up “like a fucking firework”. Dominus leans over and says “I think he's from the North.” Ha! It's like if someone was from Texas, basically.

There will be three rounds, with someone being eliminated after each round. First round is the blindfolded pole challenge, where they use the staffs and have bells on but are blindfolded. Jordan vs. Tom. Tom runs out to the middle, and ducks so Jordan misses his first few hits. Jordan finds him, but falls over and Tom nails him in the head a couple times. Jordan gets some good hits in, but Tom has beaten him in the head too many times and he ends up out. Tom is on to the finals. I think Jordan got his head scrambled a little.

Dino vs. Brandon. They both sneak out, until Brandon goes for it. I feel like Brandon has a good sense of where Dino is, and is hanging back to dart in quickly. Dino nails him in the head pretty good, because Brandon stumbles a bit. They get locked up and Dino just starts pushing, trying to push Brandon out of the ring. Then suddenly they get turned around and with a couple of shoves Dino loses. Damn. Cherelle looks pissed. Brandon is about to cry.

Jordan vs. Dino, loser goes home. Both Tom and Brandon give Jordan advice. He's really upset about having to do this again. So he goes back out and yells and beats his chest and yells and the crowd and whatever. When the match starts, Dino creeps out, but Jordan sits down where he is for a long while, holding his staff above him. Eventually he gets back up and finds Dino right away. They really go at it, mostly shoving. There aren't the best hits, but it looks good. Jordan's skirt slips down, but he crawls away and tries the same tactic of kneeling. I guess he holds up the staff so Dino will swing at it and miss? Jordan almost crawls out of the ring, but when he finds Dino they go at it again. There's some kicking. Jordan is basically on the edge of the ring, and Dino I think can find it, so he just picks Jordan up and shoves him like six inches to win. Aww. Jordan says his head isn't right, and he's gutted he couldn't win. Jade is proud of him.

Second round! Race to place sandbags on pillars. You need three sandbags, but there are only eight of them and three lads. You don't get your own pillar, but there are three different heights, so you put one on each height. The tall one isn't that tall. Oh and the last two sandbags are buried. They're pretty big sandbags, and Brandon eats it on the way back with the first one. Lots of “digging” by sliding your feet around in the dirt, so you can stay on your feet. As they shuffle around in their gold speedos, Dominus turns to the Emperor and says the gold pants were his idea. Of course they were. The Emperor smirks and says “I thought so.” Hee. Dino gets down on all fours, but quickly finds one. The boys are onto him immediately. Both Tom and Brandon tackle him, and for a second Tom ends up with the bag. Dino gets it back, and now it's just a battle to see who can get the bag when they're closest to the pillar. Every time someone gets up with the bag, the other two tackle him. At one point Tom shoves Dino into the wall. Finally Dino overpowers the both of them to get a bag on there. Brandon and Tom take forever to get back to the other side to find the last bag. Brandon finds it, and there is some wrestling and what basically looks like sitting on top of each other. Tom I think pins Brandon and then gets up and just outruns him. At the last second he slams the bag down. Brandon picks him up in celebration. Nicola is proud of Brandon. He dabs on the way out like a dork.

Final round. Doctore gives Dino and Tom a pep talk about how now they're all brothers and warriors. They're both ready to go. The final challenge involves two podiums, both a couple of feet high, with ramps. Each lad has a leather cuff on his ankle, and your job is to get your opponent's cuff, then get back to your podium, run up the (short) ramp to the top, and ring the bell. They stalk out towards each other, and face off. Tom suddenly dives for Dino's legs and manages to get him off his feet. Loving slo-mo shot of crotch. Unfortunately for Tom, Dino is very near to his ankle for a second. Mostly this is wrestling with the added challenge of keeping your foot away from the other guy's hands. Tom somehow manages to get Dino's cuff off. Was it coming loose? Is Tom just that good? I mean, Tom was pinning him pretty handily. Tom sprints for the podium as Dino has to get up off the ground, so he makes it. Woo! They play that song that plays at the end of “Gladiator” as Rhiannon runs down onto the arena floor and says she's so proud of him and that's why she's going to marry him. Tom says it's the best day of his life, as he and Rhiannon get wreaths and cheers. Dino, in contrast, is very upset. Cherelle says it's alright. As he just squats with a 1000 yard stare, I do see Tom go to shake his hand. Montage of scenes from the season. I hope they renew this show, but I know they probably won't. But it was fun.