"Joe Schmo 2"--episode 3

Previously on “The Joe Schmo Show”: the solution to Ingrid being suspicious was to have the “bitch” of the house take her aside and tell her to quit ruining it for everyone else. Not a terrible strategy, as it seems to work. Austin flirted with Cammy a lot, giving Eleanor a chance to live up to her nickname of “The Weeper”. She got very upset with Austin but he still picked Cammy for grape stomping because Austin is actually not so great. Tim continued to hate Bryce. Ernie took off his shirt, and since he's a big guy Piper was disgusted and sent him home first. (click for more)

Morning production meeting. Ingrid has suspected everything but they think they can reel her back in. Ambrosia is going to be bitchier today. Eleanor has lost her locket and is emotional, of course, but still believable. Also Brian from last season is in the trailer. Hi Brian!

It's Tim's 29^th birthday. When Eleanor walks in Ambrosia immediately asks her where her necklace is. She looks terrified and Ambrosia tells people to let her to look for it because she's going to freak out. Ambrosia is laughing at her, but Tim promises her they'll find it. As they look for it Eleanor finds a drink of Rita's. Hee. Ingrid offers her own necklace, but Ambrosia basically tells Eleanor it's ridiculous and the necklaces mean nothing. Basically what we all would think about Eleanor freaking out, except out loud and to her face.

At lunch Ambrosia asks all the women what they thought about Austin being “guyish”. Basically because Cammy was shoving her boobs in his face and he acted like you would expect a guy to act. Cammy gets pissed and says her boobs are big, what do you want me to do about it? It almost feels out of character, in that she is certainly not the dumb blonde right now, but then again someone like Cammy would have gotten shit for her giant boobs and has probably had this conversation before. Tim points out that it's a game and everyone has their strategy. Ambrosia asks if Cammy's tits are her strategy (I mean they could be! Why not? Using physical attraction is a strategy) and Tim and Ambrosia argue about it. Cammy tells Ambrosia to stop picking on her because her entire life everyone assumes she gets things because of her boobs. Ah, I was right. Then there's a montage of people saying “boobs”, “breasts”, and “tits”. Then as Cammy is still yelling at Ambrosia she slips and says her real name. And it's Jana, so I'm not sure what word she can pretend to have been saying. Then the other actors make it worse by all looking at her, which I think is a bigger mistake. Ingrid looks slightly confused, but then says Ambrosia is welcome to pull people aside and talk to them about whatever issues she has. Ambrosia declares to the room she's not “in the game” with everyone else, and these are “my bitches”. I don't know.

Derek comes in with the frog. The frog's name is Everett, by the way. Piper is returning Everett because she doesn't think she can take care of him. They all assume it means she doesn't want to feed him, because supposedly this is a frog who eats mice. Bryce is of course not happy. Tonight one of the women will be eliminated, and the men will not be invited to this ceremony. Huh. Bryce talks to his frog and decides the frog is mad at him and is trying to get back to Piper. Tim is weirdly pissed about the frog, I don't know. He and Bryce yell at each other about getting the frog into a bigger aquarium. Gerald says it's weird-o-clock.

OK, a warning that this game is completely ridiculous and I can't believe no one figured this out right at this point. Derek has everyone outside, and says the way to someone's heart is through their stomach or whatever, so this game is called “Taste My Treats”. Each man gets a blue fuzzy bag. A sack, if you will. The women each have a pink fuzzy box. Everyone gets a favorite recipe of Piper or Austin, then they will put it in whatever container they have. “Then, Austin and Piper, blindfolded, will sample your boxes and sacks.” I mean...would you not stop at this point and say “No way is this a real game you are going to put on TV, you are punking me.” There's a lot of giggling. Winners get a one-on-one date. Of course all the dishes are things like warm cherry pie and pasta with clams (Ingrid chirps “Something fishy!”) and tossed salad. TJ gets mixed nuts, which I think is the best one. Tim gets fish tacos, and he asks if maybe they can't be beef tacos. Hee.

There are a lot of dumb jokes in the kitchen, where a lot of the food seems cooked already. Tim put a little more effort in, because he realizes Piper will actually have to eat this. No one is allowed to make any noise, so Austin and Piper supposedly won't know who made what. Derek tells them to make one last adjustment to their boxes and sacks, and there is a cut to Tim, who is adjusting his crotch. Hee. TJ of course is holding his sack at crotch level, but you probably already knew that. So in addition to the blindfolds Austin and Piper are not allowed to touch anything, so they're just shoving their faces in plates. Cammy goes first, and when she's done Derek says “Cammy, back you go” like a dumbass. Eleanor's interview sounds like this is all part of the game, and they now have to act like Derek ruined everything. Ingrid thinks it was a mistake. Gerald says in confessional that the difference between Ingrid and Tim is in the games. Ingrid can barely contain her eye-rolling but decides to play along, while Tim is in the zone ready to win. Austin doesn't like Eleanor's dish and makes gagging noises. There is so much terrible innuendo.

Piper is a little reluctant to play this dumb game, and Derek is giggling as he tells her to put her face in that sack. TJ of course puts his hand on the back of her head and makes the dumbest porn faces and it is hilarious. Derek has to stop for a second because he's laughing too hard. Tim props the taco on the rim of the thing so she doesn't have to stick her face in anything. Austin of course picks Cammy, and Piper picks Tim.

Time for Tim and Piper's date. She is really nervous because it's going to be like 4 or 5 hours of her playing a character, alone, and it's supposed to be romantic. Tim is more real and not as jokey. Tim interviews that she is awesome and you can tell he really likes her. She curses and doesn't care if he burps. He doesn't want to insult anyone while they're not there, so he confines himself to saying things like “I wouldn't talk to Bryce after this”. Well he does say he wouldn't let Bryce date his sister, which she thinks is telling. Then they sit in the limo sucking helium and being goofy. Piper has to shut him down, because I think she really is concerned Tim will hate her when this is all over. She has made it clear she does not want to be kissed on camera because her father is a hardass. Tim (in his helium voice) tells Piper's father he has been a gentleman. Of course then the camera loses power. Piper says “It is pitch black in the van. It is Tim's birthday. We're on a date. He's been drinking. Perfect opportunity.” Yeah it would be pretty suspicious if she didn't at least kiss him once here. She says in the van something about “remember my dad” and she's freaking out. Tim interviews that they agreed there would be no “post date action” because their parents are watching.

I guess when Tim got back he “found” Eleanor's locket. Eleanor knows it's probably Cammy's locket, because she saw them winking at each other, but it's sweet because he came up with that on his own. Then they have a birthday party for him, as a surprise, which looks like fun. Gerald organized it, of course. The theme is to remember being little kids, so facepainting. Also Gerald has decided birthday spankings are required. You will notice that as people are spanking him Tim has a solid hold on his crotch with one hand. Bryce paints “Piper” on his own forehead with a heart over the i. Piper says it's freaking her out and takes it off. Then the two of them sit in the hammock and Bryce tries to fall asleep and snuggle. Gerald forces them out so everyone can play Truth or Dare. Piper is dared to sing and she sings “Danny Boy”. You know, at least she can sing, since she's supposed to be an opera singer. Tim is dared to give Gerald a lap dance. Hee. Gerald of course loves it. Tim says it was maybe the best birthday he's ever had. Aww.

Cammy asks Ingrid to join her in the bathroom (weird) but Ingrid thinks it's weird because Cammy has not made an effort to get to know any of the other girls. Not because it's weird. Cammy makes her pinky-swear not to tell anyone, and then tells her she was in a soft-core porno and “they” found out. Who is “they”? The producers? Other contestants? I guess producers. Anyway, the deal is Cammy doesn't know what to do now. It's called “Porked and Beans”. Ha! Ingrid immediately asks if she's joking. And then the nail in the coffin of Ingrid believing anything on this ridiculous show: Cammy tells her the whole story, BUT she waits for the cameraman to change battery packs so the whole story can be captured on video and put on television. A real person would have just kept talking and not cared. They paid her $2000 and no one knows. Ingrid immediately points out that she just said it on national television. Ingrid interviews that this is the most hysterical story she's ever heard, and that she must be on Candid Camera because it is so unbelievable. She wonders if she's being tested and if this is real. Maybe this is Cammy's new strategy. Maybe Cammy is an actor. Cammy continues her story to say that after she made this video, food and men and sex are all intertwined, I guess. Ingrid loses it. She knows Cammy isn't asking her anything, she just wanted to tell this story. And there's no reason for Cammy to confide in Ingrid. They aren't close, it's not like they were talking and the subject came up. Cammy pulled her aside just to tell this ridiculous story.

They discuss what foods turn Cammy on, and you can tell Ingrid is barely keeping it together so as not to laugh in Cammy's face. This incident is so bizarre Ingrid has shuffled back through her time in the house to think about things. Cammy thinks she started doubting in the first eviction ceremony. Too many things have seemed scripted. When Ernie adopted children for everyone, Ingrid asked him how he knew how many envelopes to bring, and he says he brought 20. She also weirdly got suspicious when Derek recited some Shakespeare and Ernie finished the line and then corrected him. I guess because she thought the producers would want to do another take? She also knows the women who were eliminated the first day (including the one who said she was there because of her agent) were actresses. So what if there are more actresses mixed in there? Her interview ends with the sentence “I just don't believe it for one second.”

This whole interview, where Ingrid is talking about this incident and her doubts about the show, the chyron below Ingrid's name goes from “thinks it's all real” to “thinks it's all real?” to “kind of thinks it's all real” to “thinks 75% of it's real” to “thinks some of it's real” to “thinks less and less of it's real” to “thinks 50% of it's real” to “thinks less than half of it's real” to “thinks some small portion of it's real” to “thinks 25% of it's real” to “thinks very little of it's real” to “we're screwed”.

The producers talk about how they don't want to live in fear of Ingrid because it will ruin the comedy. (Really this was interspersed with Ingrid's interview above.) In the trailer the production staff talk about how if she already knows, then when they get to the final reveal it will be boring. One of them wants to use the actors to convince her she's wrong. Maybe it's fine for her to be questioning things, as long as they still have Tim. But they don't want to pull back on the story. A couple of people suggest pulling her. One guy is convinced that they should not do anything even though she clearly knows too much, and won't listen to any suggestions otherwise.

Eviction ceremony. It's very convenient the men aren't here, but that announcement was made this morning. So was it always going to be this way? Or did they suspect Ingrid would bust them and planned this just in case? Derek makes his dumb speech about being thrown from love's limo into “rejection's beat up old hoopdy”. Ingrid is smirking but I can't tell if it's because she knows it's fake or because Derek is so ridiculous. Ingrid tells Austin she came here for an adventure and a possibility, and she sees a possibility. Eleanor wants her second pearl necklace. Also a million smash cuts, constantly, between everyone and the falcon and whatever. Ambrosia quotes Whitney Houston lyrics. Behind her Ingrid tries valiantly not to laugh. Cammy says she's been smiling since Austin tasted her box. Ingrid is actually laughing now. “So when you're deciding who to give a pearl necklace to, will you think of my box? And, think of me, smiling, thinking of you eating my box.” Sigh. Austin wishes he had the ability to give more pearl necklaces. Yeah I bet. Austin calls forward Eleanor and Cammy. Then it's To Be Continued.

Next episode: Austin calls someone a fucking bitch, there's a stripper maybe, Matt shows up, and “the most shocking twist in the history of television”.