"Joe Schmo 2"--episode 2

Previously on “The Joe Schmo Show”: we met our schmos, Ingrid and Tim, who are supposedly trying to look for love on a dating show. The first eliminations were all minority people, because dating shows are full of white people. Later there were gifts, drinking, stripping, and a hot tub date. Ingrid and Tim are cool people but not the overwhelmingly awesome person Matt was last season. I don't care because they're still great. The “Pearl Necklace” eviction ceremony sent Rita the drunk home. However, during the ceremony the women were all asked to plead their case to Austin. Everyone had rehearsed speeches, of course, except Ingrid. And she noticed. (click for more)

The producers are realizing Ingrid is maybe too smart for the show. Also she's really vocal about how suspicious she is, and everyone backstage is freaking out that she's saying so in front of Tim. Like, if she was just suspicious, they wouldn't care as much, but heaven forbid she ruin it for Tim. Everyone meets in the trailer, discussing what they can do, maybe eliminate her. Eventually they decide to try to reel her back in. At the morning production meeting they tell everyone not to let her do stuff like that, and don't just sit by. And if at all possible get Tim out of there.

At lunch Cammy says in high school they voted her “most likely to walk in through the exit”. Weirdly she claims to be proud that she was voted something in her huge school. Ingrid thinks they don't have anything to talk about anymore because they talked about it all last night. Ambrosia responds, “You all talked out? I don't think so.” Burn. But Ambrosia is “The Bitch” and now she has permission to say whatever she wants. Ambrosia tells everyone she was voted “Most Likely to Succeed” and also “Best Dressed”. Ingrid makes a comment about how she's still probably best dressed compared to all of these people, and Ambrosia is like, oh, huh, I think I like you more now. Ingrid asks if she was disliking her before, and Ambrosia says “We'll talk about that later.” Ingrid interviews that she hates conflict but she won't let anyone make side comments about her.

Ingrid and Ambrosia go off by themselves and Ambrosia tells her it's a game, and she's killing it by being paranoid about everything and it's irritating. This...is actually a great way to try to throw Ingrid off the scent. Rather than try to make it more believable, tell her directly she's bugging everyone, and this whole conversation is totally something Ambrosia's character would do. Ingrid says the whole situation is contrived, and Ambrosia jumps on her and says of course it's contrived. You signed a million papers and there are four cameras here right now. Heh. Back in the other room, Eleanor says she doesn't do confrontation, while TJ won't start anything but will back people up. Like Cammy, he'll back her up into a corner right now. Sigh. Tim thinks Ambrosia is starting shit. Ambrosia says she doesn't know what's real, but she is. Nice. Ingrid promises to keep it to herself, but she says in confessional the conspiracy theorist will never be gone, but she'll have fun. If there is some grand conspiracy to humiliate her then whatever, she'll let it happen.

TJ comes to Tim in their room and says Bryce tried to hypnotize him last night. Hee. TJ was having trouble sleeping, so he tried to get Bryce to help him, but Tim is all, dude you had like 5 beers last night, that's what put your ass to sleep. TJ and Tim agree to fuck with Bryce. It's all part of the plan but it's not like Tim needs a lot of convincing. When they find Bryce, he tries to claim beer will make it harder to hypnotize you, so if TJ had 5 beers and slept well then his hypnosis is really awesome. Tim can barely hide his contempt. So Bryce uses a pen swinging back and forth to “hypnotize” TJ and Tim. Bryce tells them whenever he says “dogpaddle” they'll itch. They both lose it, and sort of apologize. Bryce swears that he saw their eyes and they were totally hypnotized. We'll test it later and we'll see. Bryce thinks Tim totally believes Bryce believes in this shit. Once Bryce leaves, they (and Ingrid and Cammy) decide to fake it for a little bit before humiliating Bryce.

At dinner, they talk about things they would hate to do on this show. Gerald says something about feet. Hee. Bryce “casually” mentions going to the pool and dogpaddling. It takes a second but Tim scratches his head. TJ didn't hear it so it takes a minute. He does it again and they both scratch, while Ingrid loses it. Bryce has a dumb smile on his face and he leaves the room while everyone laughs. Later Bryce is telling everyone it totally worked. Behind him, Tim is gesturing to TJ to lead Bryce out. Bryce says it totally worked, because he said “dogpaddle” and they both scratched. There they're doing it right now! Ingrid can't stop laughing. Eventually everyone calms down enough so that Tim can admit he wasn't hypnotized, he just remembered Bryce saying the thing about dogpaddling and they were just fucking with him. He does also say he's sorry fairly sincerely. Bryce is really upset and I guess is insisting it really did work? Ingrid I think is trying to calm him down, saying it's their last night all together, and Bryce is like “HOLD ON!” all shouty. Even though Tim just admitted they remembered what he said about the key word and decided to mess with him, Bryce is insisting TJ slept well last night and they were just scratching. They have to tell him they were pretending to itch. Bryce is pissed. Ingrid interviews that Bryce is more “sensitive” than everyone else so they need to watch making him the butt of jokes.

Time for a Falcon Twist. “Someone is going to get lubed up....with tanning oil.” Sigh. Today they'll all be playing for a trip for two to Costa Rica. Also one of the men will be eliminated today. The falcon flies off and everyone flinches again. Ralph interviews that the falcon was insane. Once it ran into the glass doors instead of landing on him. Ralph thinks it's either suicidal or fucking stupid. So they open the doors so it won't die or something, but it just flies into the house. Hilariously the plan all along was to have a storyline where Derek hates the bird, so the falcon is helping them out.

Outside Gerald is asking Ingrid if she would normally be attracted to Austin based on her dating history. She says no, he's too attractive. Bryce tells her she's pretty, and then Ambrosia is like “look at your boobs”. Hee. Ingrid names her boobs Bertha and Louise. Then Tim suggests Cammy name her boobs Baskin and Robbins. Nice.

Game time. Derek says something about pictures of past lovers you have in your mind. Like how her skin glistened when you poured vegetable oil on it. Hee. This game is called “Strike a Pose”. Each person will pick an envelope with a number on it, and these correspond to yoga poses. Last person standing wins the trip to Costa Rica. They somehow are going to make sure Ingrid gets a hard pose so an actor will win. But then they give her a position where she's balancing on her shoulders and her shins, which doesn't seem hard. Tim gets to stand on one foot and hold the other ankle over his head. Ralph complains about how he's outside in a suit and it's too hot. Cammy says her boobs might fall out and Tim says he doesn't need that distraction. As people fail (TJ is out first) they go to mess with everyone. Cammy jumps up and down in Tim's face and her boobs are too distracting. He loses his balance and falls in the pool. Nice. TJ kneels over Ingrid's head and makes teabagging jokes. She's wearing a bikini top with a map on it so he's trying to find Costa Rica. Ingrid finally gets tired and fails, and Ambrosia wins. Ingrid interviews that she's fine with losing because she doesn't want to win everything and get more scorn from Ambrosia.

Group date outside because supposedly the estate is a working vineyard. But the vines are dormant and the “winery” is a garage with some barrels stacked up. Ernie pipes up every five seconds to correct Derek and be basically the heir to a wine fortune. They also have a wine tasting which is as vague as possible. Bryce jokes that they might as well have said “Here's some red. And something that is very different from red is white.” Yeah...I would have seen through this in a heartbeat. Or at the very least been making smartass comments about how busted this “winery” is. Austin lets Cammy drink from his glass. Well he feeds her basically. Ingrid thinks it's tacky that he's all over Cammy in front of the rest of them. Tim is trying to spend some time with Piper before the eviction. He says he's here to have fun and meet people. Bryce starts talking about how things happen for a reason and then can't finish the sentence because he's too “emotional”. Piper thinks he's sweet. Bryce thinks he's there for a reason. Piper believes in attraction at first sight but not “love”. Ingrid decides to play a game with Austin where he closes his eyes and they take turns ribbing his shoulders. Of course Gerald joins in for a little too long. Gerald laughs in confessional that Tim doesn't think he's gay. Just Canadian.

Now everyone is going to stomp some grapes! But in togas I guess. Ingrid says in confessional that it's hard for her to watch Eleanor get more and more upset as Austin pays attention to Cammy all the time. She goes up to him as they're all changing into the togas to tearily complain that it's not fair for him to give lockets to everyone and she's going to take it off! Right now! Austin apologizes as she's in tears, and says it's just a game and they're having fun. Tim thinks Eleanor is just eliminating herself. Gerald wants to run and grab his aquasocks. Those rubber shoe things. Derek says Austin and Piper will pick partners, and then the rest of them will pair off however they want. Piper picks Tim (as Bryce complains it was just proximity) and Austin picks Cammy, because he's a douchebag. He claims it's because she has the most stompable shoes, which is dumb because they're lucite stripper heels and she's going to take them off to stomp grapes with. Ingrid is upset that Austin would see how upset Eleanor was and still not pick her. Bryce is alone and he just sits on the edge of his barrel sulking. Ingrid is paired with Ernie, who is having so much fun he actually takes his shirt off. She's proud of him. Ernie interviews that Ernie is a parody of “Average Joe” (a show I miss dearly) and so while he's well-educated and funny and rich, Piper looks disgusted by how he looks. Piper then joins Bryce to help him, and he just lights up. When she goes back to Tim, Bryce loses it. When Piper is facing him, he's all grinning and happy, but when she is not looking he's just standing there looking forlorn. Cammy's toga falls off “accidentally” and Ingrid and Tim comment on how she's making a move.

Eviction ceremony. Montecore is there for no reason. Derek comes in with a tealight on a saucer. This is the first “Flame of Love” ceremony. Each man has a giant white candle that is at least a foot long and two or three inches across. Derek says now their candles are erect, and Piper will light the wicks of whoever has “inflamed” her heart. If your wick remains untouched you will be doomed to languish in loneliness. Not as good as the pearl necklace ceremony but it's not bad. Ingrid is making faces. They each get to plead their case, but I don't think anyone would be suspicious seeing as how they saw all the women do this yesterday. TJ (who is holding his candle at his crotch, of course) says he has “one really big reason” why Piper should keep him. She hasn't had the full TJ experience. Gerald compliments Piper's dress, but he thinks she's the kind of person he could start a “special friendship” with. Tim looks forward to having more time with her. Ernie says it's rare that he meets someone as sweet as Piper. Bryce is already crying and talks about how she helped him while he stomped grapes, and then he gets out a poem he wrote about “Our Beginning” which is rhyming and weird. It's not creepy so much as it is middle school? Piper picks TJ first, and he doesn't move the candle from his crotch. “TJ, please present your wick.” Then Tim, then Gerald. Then a million smash cuts to everyone's faces and the falcon too. Then Bryce. She looks upset at least. Piper claims she spent all day thinking about it, and Ernie's wealth of knowledge is astounding but intimidating. Best of luck. He thanks everyone and gets choked up as he says goodbye, especially mentioning Ingrid challenging her fears and encouraging him to take off his shirt and face his fears, and Tim being the best roommate ever. Also at least he's not the first one out! Derek interrupts him to tell him he is the first man. Oh Derek. That was kind of sad.

Next episode: Ingrid is seriously figuring it out.