"The Joe Schmo Show"--episode 1 part 2

Previously on “The Joe Schmo Show”: we were introduced to the idea of a fake reality show, where everyone is an actor with a script save for one person. We met Matt and all his ridiculous “competitors”, watched them wear each other's underwear, screw up their backstories, and freak out about screwing up while Matt didn't notice a thing. (click for more)

Each morning the cast and producers use Matt's confessional time to have their own meeting about what is going to happen that day and what stories to push. It's actually a good idea because they know where Matt is, and he's busy for a pre-determined length of time, so they can all leave the mansion and go to the production trailers without having to sneak around. The producers tell everyone to play up all their weird character traits, and that Gina will “be pulled” into the pool room with Matt where they can talk strategy. They made it sound like production will get them into there but I'm not sure how that's going to work. Also Kip does an “imitation” of Matt which is really just him make a weird face.

So “Gina, you and Matt will be pulled into the pool room before lunch” looks like Matt's in there (I guess they told him to go in there?) and then Gina follows him and they start playing pool. She “casually” asks him what he thinks of the game, and Matt does all their work for him by telling her she could win and let's have an alliance. So Gina didn't have to give any of her speech or do any work. Matt took care of it. Heh. It's good because she seems like a terrible actor. I don't know if it's because I know she's acting or what but she seems really obvious.

Matt talks a little about how great lunch was, I guess just to talk about how he's not used to nice things. Ashleigh tries to get Matt to talk to her about the house and who he likes and alliances, I guess, but she botches it. In trying to get him to hang out one-on-one, she's giving him looks and Matt has interpreted it as Ashleigh trying to use him. And possibly having a crush on him. Matt says his plan is to let her use him. They go out to the pool where she tries to whisper about Hutch and how no one likes him and he makes everyone uncomfortable. Ashleigh says she might vote for Molly because she doesn't like when people push their religion on others. Matt suggests Gina is normal, but Ashleigh says Gina would turn on you and she doesn't trust Gina. Matt interviews that Ashleigh is clearly the bitch of the cast but he likes hot women who know they're hot and have money. Ashleigh tells him she has two brothers, but then remembers she's supposed to be an only child so she has to spin some crap about how they're stepbrothers and she doesn't feel like they're really related. She then tells Matt that up on a balcony somewhere is a hot tub with a fireplace that's really cool. To Matt, of course, this is an invitation for some private hot tubbing.

OK, time for another ridiculous game. Everyone is in swimsuits, and there is a clear plastic person-shaped table, propped up at a slant. Also an outdoor bar for some reason. Ralph rolls out in a completely asinine coat. It's basically a floor-length bathrobe, made out of dark red faux fur, with the edges trimmed in black feathers. Ralph announces the “Riches to Rags Eviction Ceremony”. Before the ceremony is the “Lord of the Manor Immunity Showdown” where you can win the “pimped-out Immunity Robe.” I know you immediately grasp these concepts, I just wanted to repeat the names they came up with. Today's game is “Hands on a High-Priced Hooker.” Oh, here is a porn star. She's wearing a bikini with money in the strings. Each bill has a number, which says which part of your body must stay in contact with Tawny's body. Matt praises the heavens. “Someone is looking down on me!” He also has a confessional where he says he loves fake breasts and fake blondes, maybe because he's broke and can't have them. Weirdly I should be offended at his sexism but somehow I'm not? Maybe because that's just him and judging from his previous actions I feel that for all his talk about how hot all the girls are that he would be respectful. I don't know. Anyway, the person who keeps touching the porn star the longest wins immunity. If you're the first person out, you spend the rest of your time sleeping in the laundry room. If you look at Matt's face here, he has a really weird look on his face.

So the contest is supposed to be rigged so that it comes down to Matt and Hutch in the end. But the position Hutch gets is “your crotch to Tawny's right hand.” Why would you give Hutch such a hard position if he's supposed to win? It's not like the bills themselves say what position you have. Ralph just “reads” it off the card he has. Hutch interviews about it and makes it sound like he wasn't expecting this. Anyway Matt has to put his hand on her boob. First though he spends a lot of time “choosing” what bill he wants to pick. It's not all hands and crotches, although of course Molly is the person with a hand on Tawny's other boob. Also before Tawny goes to lie on the table she takes her top off, and now is when Matt recognizes her as a porn star and not a “high-priced hooker”. Heh. He doesn't care, of course, because it's not like this is somehow worse.

The game starts, and Matt tries to think of baseball but then as the player hits a home run there's Tawny at home plate. Hee. Ashleigh taunts Molly, who has one hand on a boob (“It's an orange!”) and the other hand covering her eyes. Matt thought she might quit early, but she's not. So Matt starts talking about how great this is, but he hates sharing a bed with Earl and Dr. Pat, and he won't do it another night. And he takes his hand off. There's a shot of the production room, where everyone is gasping like someone died. Everyone is turned to look at him, because he just ruined their script. Brian interviews how shocked everyone was, because “What red-blooded American male is going to take his hand off a porn star's breast without having to be drug off?!” Matt hates sharing the bed so much he's willing to sleep in the laundry room. “And you guys aren't voting me off tonight. Right?” They cut to commercial here hilariously.

So now no one knows what to do. Earl says something about how his grandkids are watching this and gives up. Gina stands up and says “it's all part of the strategy.” Dr. Pat blames a leg cramp. Then everyone gangs up on Molly, saying she's doing soft-core porn and sinning for money, which doesn't work. Hutch then pretends like he's going to spit on Ashleigh, while Matt tries to encourage her to ignore him. Ashleigh stomps off into the house (to her room to say “HMM I wonder what we could find here.”). Brian makes Kip, Molly, and Hutch promise not to vote for him and then quits. So now it ramps up, with Hutch calling Molly a slut and Matt begging everyone not to let Hutch win. Molly wants to slap him but clearly you can't assault other contestants. It eventually works and Molly quits, with Hutch saying how tiring it is to be an asshole. So now Hutch is threatening Kip, saying he's going to throw him in the deep end. Every time Hutch has threatened Kip, they made sure to do it in front of Matt. So now Matt says if he does it, he'll kick Hutch's ass. When he changes tactics about how Kip has no discipline because he won't even take swimming lessons. Matt says “Don't even respond! Because you got the Matt-man! I'm the sickest dude here.” Finally Kip gives up, and Hutch goes to celebrate but in doing so he stands up. Matt immediately calls attention to this, because the rules state that you have to stay on for ten seconds after the last person to win. Oops. He got back down really quickly, and everyone just ignored Matt. Matt shakes his hand and says “good job” because that's how he is.

Ashleigh and Kip are sitting on the floor of Ashleigh's room, where Matt comes in (how does he know to go in there? Who knows). They tell him to shut the door, which he does (right in a cameraman's face). Kip apologizes for quitting, and then Ashleigh whispers that she found this under Gina's bed. It's the stupid impractical whiteboard she's supposed to be taking notes on. So it has initials for everyone, which is dumb because come on. There's only nine people here. Anyway, the strategery is as follows: Molly – simpleton; Matt – wild card; Pat – quack; Hutch – dick → OUT; Brian – weak; Ashleigh – primadonna. Earl is blank and Kip has two checkmarks. Kip and Pat also have asterisks. Matt is a little suspicious as to how they found it, but Ashleigh claims her flip flops where right next to it. Ashleigh thinks it's shitty and is now going to vote for Gina, even though arguably if this was all real she would actually be a primadonna. Molly and Dr. Pat come in, and then Brian comes in somehow, and then they're all talking about it. Matt observes in confessional that he doesn't understand why she would write all that down and not expect people to find it. Brian doesn't know if they should be looking at this. Matt leaves, and Kip tries to ask if he thinks they're doing something wrong. Matt says she was dumb to leave it lying around, and he did look at it so no judgment, but he's not really comfortable hanging around right now taking part in this.

So Matt goes to the pool, where Gina finds him. He says she's in trouble, and then she's like “I had a bad feeling” and he's like “don't look like we're talking about it” or something and then tells her they found the board. And her reaction is so weird. She's in the middle of trying to ask him about something and she just says “shit” but doesn't pause or change her tone in any way. Matt interviews that she was really dramatic, sighing and saying “well we'll figure something out” and acting weird. He tells Gina he doesn't think he can help her, and she says “I know” but I feel like she's too calm about it. Matt thinks she was kind of fake about it. OK so maybe before it wasn't that I knew she was faking but because she's not the best actor. Or improv person. Eventually Gina tells Matt they shouldn't admit to their alliance, because then no one will let Matt say anything nice about her. “I have to win favor...in someone else's eyes.” Oh jeez. Then she just says “OK!” brightly and leaves. Matt thinks she's playing him.

Matt moves into the laundry room, hugging Dr. Pat and Earl goodbye. “It's been real, it's been nice, but it ain't been real nice.” The laundry room has one cot under the ironing board but it's all his own so he's pleased.

Everyone sits in the living room at dinner. I guess there's a formal dining room, which they use sometimes, but about half the time there's an open floor plan kitchen/living room space, and they just eat on the couches and whatever. Kip announces this evening's entertainment: impressions of each other. Whoever wins gets a prize Kip is allowed to give out. Let me also point out that Hutch is wearing the immunity robe with no shirt on and probably implied no pants either. Matt asks to go first and does what I feel is a horrible impression of Kip, in that it's clearly Kip but Kip's accent is Hispanic and Matt's accent is terrible. It's funny though. Molly imitates Hutch by burping and scratching her crotch. Most of the rest of these impressions are terrible. I mean just people saying random lines. To be fair Matt at least attempted an accent. Kip makes his “Matt face” and they sit next to each other to take a picture. Heh. Anyway, Matt wins, of course. “I thought I was looking in a mirror, but like a crazy funhouse mirror.” And he wins the use of the master suite that Kip won yesterday during the underwear game. Kip says he's lonely up there, but really they want Matt to have the master suite so he's alone, and they can keep an eye on him.

Eviction ceremony time. This shit is hilarious. So the room they're in is directly in next to the front door, like when you walk in the house you walk across a hallway and into this room. There's a gas fireplace, and something projecting the show logo above. In front of where everyone is lined up (the back row is on a step, which is probably how it's really done), there's a table where everyone has a plate with their picture on it. Like some Franklin Mint display. Candles everywhere. Ralph comes in from the patio and this is the speech in it's entirety: “For the past two days, you've all enjoyed the good life in the lap of luxury, but for one of you, the vacation is over. That's right. One of you is about to say goodbye to high society, and return to your sad existence working for the man.” Nice. Each one of them is represented by their “Lap of Luxury Collectors Plate.” Your plate, like your situation here, is fragile. When you're voted out your plate will be shattered in the fireplace like your dreams. Hee. Everyone goes down a side hallway to vote like in Survivor. The actors all write down their votes, but also fake votes to show the camera like “The Hutch only has one testicle”. Matt votes for Molly.

Ralph reads the votes and aside from Matt's vote for Molly, and one vote for Matt himself, everyone votes for Gina. Unlike Probst, Ralph reads all the votes even after it's clear Gina is out. Gina is asked to step forward, “serve me your plate”, and address the group. Gina says some stuff about self-respect and pride and that she'd like them to know houses have varmints and snakes eat rats, and rats eat smaller rats, and whatever and they're all cockroaches. Also if Gina saw any of them in an alley dying she wouldn't do anything. It's clearly supposed to be a bastardization of Sue's “snakes and rats” speech from Survivor, and Matt immediately clocks this. But since Gina said she was a fan of Richard Hatch I guess he just chalks it up to her fandom. Ralph says “Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, Gina, you're dead to us.” Then he throws her plate in the fireplace and kicks her out. As she leaves she shouts about trying to leave, and as Ralph tries to make some speech about how hard the game is, Gina's yelling to the cameramen to stop filming her because she's done, or whatever.

Brian is freaking out because as Gina was making her dumb speech, Matt was rolling his eyes and making faces. He's afraid Matt's onto them. So right after the ceremony Brian goes straight up to Matt's room to try to do...something. I'm not sure what he thought he could do if Matt had really figured it out, but he couldn't imagine why else Matt was so skeptical. Turns out Matt did the math and realized the only person who could have voted for him was Gina. So he was making those faces because he thought she screwed him and he was pissed. All of her bad acting is now chalked up to her planning to vote for him. Brian was positive he had figured it all out, but Matt was just mad about being betrayed. It was funny to watch Brian just start talking to Matt like he maybe could steamroll him into not calling out the show for being fake.

Next time: Dr. Pat works on Matt for some reason, dumb costumes, the hot tub is in use.