TAR20, Recap Leg 6, 3/15/12

Welcome to Leg 6! Last time, on Off to Bolivia We Go!, teams raced from Italy to Bavaria, Germany. The Kentuckians yodel, while the divorcees bicker. There is beard grooming and gnome curling, and Art and JJ finish first. Again. The cousins can’t navigate, and are eliminated. Who will be eliminated. . . next? (click for more)

Arrival at the pit stop last episode:
1st – Art/JJ, Team Patrulla Fronteriza
2nd – Joey “Fitness”/Danny, The Jersey Meatheads
3rd – Vanessa/Ralph, The Dating Divorcees
4th – Rachel/Dave , Team Free Ron Again!
5th – Brendon/Rachel, Team Sparkles
6th – Bopper/Mark, The Kentucky Hillbillies
7th – Nary/Jamie, The Fembots

Landhannes Farm, Schwangau-Horn, Bavaria, Germany

8:48 AM Art/JJ (1st)
Clue: Fly 2000 miles to Baku, Azerbaijan! Once there, make your way to the Temple Ateshgah. You have $167 for this leg of the race.

9:17 AM Joey “Fitness”/Danny (2nd) – and they are in Retro 80’s snowsuits. (Toyouke: “Those are not first place glasses.“)
9:19 AM Vanessa/Ralph (3rd)
10:57 AM Rachel/Dave (4th)
11:17 AM Brendon/Rachel (5th) – (Toyouke: “Why does Rachel always have sequins?”)
11:41 AM Bopper/Mark (6th) – Bopper: “Do you think we’re going to Africa?”
11:42 PM Nary/Jamie (7th) – Nary: "We WANT everyone to underestimate us, and now that we're last, they don't think we're a threat. So we did it on purpose! Strategery!"

Everyone makes their way to the airport in the following order:

1- Art/JJ
2- Joey “Fitness”/Danny
3- Vanessa/Ralph
4- Rachel/Dave
5- Brendon/Rachel – who swing by a travel agent and purchase tickets.
6- Bopper/Mark
7- Nary/Jamie

Teams arrive and get their tickets. All teams are on the 6:40 PM flight to Baku via Istanbul on Turkish Airlines.

So the Amazing Red Line rushes us to Baku, and the teams arrive and get taxis in the following order:

1- Rachel/Dave
2- Joey “Fitness”/Danny
3- Nary/Jamie
4- Art/JJ
5- Brendon/Rachel
6- Bopper/Mark
7- Vanessa/Ralph

Teams now make their way to the Temple Ateshgah. Teams arrive in the following order:

1- Rachel/Dave
2- Joey “Fitness”/Danny
3- Nary/Jamie
4- Art/JJ
5- Brendon/Rachel
6- Bopper/Mark
7- Vanessa/Ralph

Teams find that the clues are unavailable until sunrise, so there is much dancing and reveling until then with the Azerbaijanis. (Toyouke: “This whole temple and the fire would be far less impressive in the daytime. Luck? Or careful planning?”) When the door opens, teams get their clues in the following order:

1- Rachel/Dave
2- Joey “Fitness”/Danny
3- Nary/Jamie
4- Art/JJ
5- Brendon/Rachel
6- Bopper/Mark
7- Vanessa/Ralph

Rachel and Dave open their clue and find. . . a Fast Forward!

FAST FORWARD:

Recall that a fast forward is a task that can be performed to allow one team to skip all remaining tasks and head directly to the pit stop. However, each team may only use their fast forward power once on the race, so they must decide when it is more advantageous to use it. In this, the second (!) fast forward on this race, teams must travel to Saman Os Bazary Market and unload 150 haybales from a truck and stack them in a 10 by 3 by 5 rectangle. Once complete, they get their next clue and skip all remaining tasks and travel directly to the Pit Stop.

Teams decide to go for the Fast Forward in the following order:

1- Rachel/Dave
2- Joey “Fitness”/Danny

(Toyouke: “I kind of like this Fast Forward in that you could actually have multiple teams competing for it. Unlike "crawl across this ladder" where you can only have one team at a time.”) So – hay bale stacking, Fast Forward for Rachel and Dave! They get their Fast Forward and travel to the PIT STOP at Esplanade Estakada. Joey “Fitness” and Danny, however, must jump back into completing the rest of the tasks. (Toyouke: “See? And then the losing team is now in last place. More exciting that way.”)

The rest of the teams are instructed to travel to Occupational Training International to get their next clue. They arrive in the following order:

1- Art/JJ
2- Nary/Jamie
3- Vanessa/Ralph
4- Bopper/Mark
5- Brendon/Rachel
6- Joey “Fitness”/Danny

We then get the sixth roadblock clue.

ROADBLOCK:

What goes down must come up!

In this roadblock, one team member must perform a helicopter escape simulation by being submerged underwater. Once the team members escape and make their way to the safety pad, they get their next clue.

The following teammates take the Roadblock:

1- Bopper
2- Jamie
3- JJ
4- Brendon
5- Vanessa
6- Joey “Fitness”

After much escaping, teams complete the Roadblock in the following order:

1- Nary/Jamie
2- Art/JJ
3- Bopper/Mark
4- Brendon/Rachel
5- Vanessa/Ralph
6- Joey “Fitness”/Danny

Teams are now told to travel to Taghrul Karabakh Carpet Shop in Old Town Baku to get their next clue. Teams arrive in the following order:

1- Brendon/Rachel
2- Bopper/Mark
3- Art/JJ
4- Nary/Jamie
5- Vanessa/Ralph – who need the Amazing Cameramen to find their clue for them.
6- Joey “Fitness”/Danny

And, when teams find the clues, we get the Detour Clue.

DETOUR:
Apples OR Oil
*Apples: Teams make their way to the fruit market and find a Soviet-era car filled with apples. Teams must empty the car until they find the specially marked apple, which they can trade for their next clue.
*Oil: Teams make their way to Naftalan Health Center and clean a client who just got out of an oil bath. Teams can use a metal show horn, water and sponges to get all the oil off, and can get their next clue once the attendant approves.

1- Art/JJ choose Oil – JJ: “Let’s scrub a homie down! You’re as hairy as a St. Bernard!”
2- Nary/Jamie choose Apples – Jamie: “Teachers love apples!”
3- Bopper/Mark choose Oil
4- Brendon/Rachel choose Oil – Rachel: “Wait, this is real oil!”
5- Vanessa/Ralph choose Apples – Vanessa: “This thing could be anywhere.” (Toyouke: “Oh, I'm pretty sure it's in the car. Unless you missed it already.”)
6- Joey “Fitness”/Danny choose Apples

(Toyouke: “How could you not choose "Oil"? That HAS to be faster than Swedish Roulette.”)

Teams complete the detour in the following order:

1- Art/JJ – Art: “Want a million dollars? Scrub a man’s junk.”
2- Bopper/Mark
3- Brendon/Rachel
4- Nary/Jamie
5- Vanessa/Ralph
6- Joey “Fitness”/Danny

Teams find now that they must make their way to Esplanade Estakada, the PIT STOP of the sixth leg of this racearoundtheworld. The last team to arrive MAY be eliminated!

1- Rachel/Dave – who each win a 2013 Ford Taurus.
2- Art/JJ – "Second place on a leg with a Fast Forward is really a win. (Toyouke: “It is not a win. It's second place. You already spent your Fast Forward.”)
3- Bopper/Mark
4- Brendon/Rachel
5- Nary/Jamie
6- Vanessa/Ralph
7- Joey “Fitness”/Danny

And Jersey is eliminated. And I started to like their quirky personalities.

ORDER NOW:
1st – Rachel/Dave
2nd – Art/JJ
3rd – Bopper/Mark
4th – Brendon/Rachel
5th – Nary/Jamie
6th – Vanessa/Ralph

Next week: Africa and Catfights! Until next time!


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Project Runway All Stars 3/22/12--"Finale Part 2" summary

Previously on Project Runway: Why is this finale two hours? We dragged it out for a long time, make five garments, twist sixth garment with scraps, eliminated contestant helpers, etc. Let’s do this. (click for more)

It’s the morning of the final challenge/runway show. Austin has a very shiny shirt on in confessional. Actually, in the hotel everyone is wearing dark colors and looks normal. Mondo says he deserves to win (even though he also says Michael deserves to be here). Oh, I lied, Austin is wearing shiny black. Couldn’t get away with regular blah clothes, he wouldn’t be right.

They get to Gotham Hall in the pouring rain. It’s very pretty inside, and they’ve set up a runway just like in the regular show. Mondo says a bunch of stuff about visualizing. Everyone immediately starts working, especially Austin, who is still sewing. As in, there is a sewing machine set up and he’s cursing every other word. Michael seems to have more done, but he always finishes early. Except for one top which for some reason is tight on one arm and loose on the other. How exactly does that happen?

Famous people arrive on a red carpet. Hot makeup guy. OH! Michael shows up and says “Hey Scott” and then describes his makeup look. Is the real name of hot makeup guy “Scott”?? I am distracted. Joanna shows up and asks Austin why there are staples in the dress. Oh, just pins. Still not OK, but it sounds like he’s sending the dress out with pins in it. Michael has to redo a dress because he never got a full fitting and it needs to be taken in six inches. Shouldn’t have bragged about how you were all done. Joanna actually brushes Mondo down with a lint brush so he doesn’t go out with lint. Oo, Nina is here!

Guest judges today are Tommy Hilfiger and Ken Downing, who is the fashion director of Neiman Marcus. Aww, how cute that we’re pretending you didn’t pick the winner already. Austin comes out looking sparkly. He describes his collection: “It’s called ‘Austin Scarlett‘, and it’s the story of a vampire from the 18th century who has lived many hundreds of years, and who now lives in Williamsburg and occasionally borrows clothes from her Hasidic dandy friends.” Wow. The first look is those crazy pink cropped pants, with the super wide hips. It’s like she has vertical loops of fabric all along the outside of her legs. This is paired with a black cropped jacket that is shiny, and a matching pink top. Second girl has a black dress, short, with a big fabric rose or loop or something hanging off the side. It’s cute. Shiny black pencil skirt and a pink v-neck top with ties at the shoulder. On the back of the skirt, at the hem (so…at the back of her knee) is a pink puffy bunny tail thing. Long mermaid gown with a peplum, in a red and black floral print. Actually I think it’s dark pink and black. Lots of ruffles along the neckline and hem and all around. It’s very Austin. Sleek black pleather leggings and halter top. Wedding dress with a ton of tulle. Over the tulle skirt are white fabric petals, a black belt, and black opera gloves.

Mondo talks about looking for inspiration and therapy. Short silver skirt and a cropped blouse in black with silver polka dots. Another short dress with polka dots, and patch pockets on the front. Black leggings and a sleeveless top in a silver print. The top of the bodice, above her boobs, is an animal print. Wide-legged pants in…purple? A really dark shiny purple? Big pocket flaps at her waist, a shirt with an inkblot test on it, and a jacket in black and white checks. The sleeves are ¾ length sleeves and one cuff is red. I don’t know. Knee-length tight dress with an inkblot on the front panel and another red cuff. The back is open. A long dress in a red and silver print, with a slit up the side and what looks like a black underskirt. The front is a deep V. It’s not as colorful as I would have expected from Mondo, although there is a lot of print.

Michael has a safari. Beige pantsuit that is loosely fitted. Is it a print? It’s weird. A baggy sleeveless jumpsuit is not terribly exciting. Short dress in a black and white print. Short black dress with long sleeves and I think a lot of volume in her hips. Shorts and a top with kimono wide sleeves, in a “safari” print. Like, I can’t tell what the print is supposed to be, aside from the fact that it’s supposed to feel “ethnic”. Another pantsuit (actually a tank top and palazzo pants) in black and white. Long draped white dress with a deep V and strappy back. He claims this is his “signature”. It was nice, but also not terribly exciting. None of these really were, but they had under a week, after all.

The judges are apparently going to critique each designer separately. So now there is just Austin and all his models on the runway. They praise him and tell him it’s great he did so much in such a short time. Isaac says he doesn’t view it as a collection but a “best of” collection. The jumpsuit is kind of rock star but the wedding dress is not. The short black dress is lacquered lace and the judges like it. It’s glamorous. Austin is glad he brought a youthfulness to couture.

Mondo is next. This is the most cohesive collection of the three, says Isaac. The one with the pockets has too much going on, but the red dress starts an argument. Angela doesn’t like the lame, but Isaac does. He did a great job mixing prints, as usual.

Michael time. They think the clothes are well made and ready to sell in stores. Sadly, that means it’s a little too commercial, and some of that is the print. The white dress has a weird black vest thing. Isaac warns him about having cheap clothes.

Austin thinks epic thoughts. He is an idea machine. However his collection seemed like it was pulled from a bunch of other collections. They’re feminine clothes, and he could pull off his own boutique. Mondo had dots in every look. He mixes fabrics like no one else. Tommy says “60’s meets 80’s”. He sometimes makes huge pockets, and Angela for some reason says she saw more of him in the previous challenges and he didn’t quite fulfill his promise. Or something. Tommy thinks he needs focus and a new stylist. Michael’s collection was more commercial but very cohesive. And it was all jersey. Isaac doesn’t think it was sophisticated enough. The judges discuss where your ideas should come from, and Angela actually wonders aloud if they should factor in the past challenges in this season. Michael was too commercial, but if you are looking at a section of a store, it needs to be cohesive. Is that worth a win? Or should you reward ideas? In which case, what if the ideas are not sellable? I love that they’re discussing what to base this on.

Angela reminds us of some of the crazy challenges this season, then reminds them of the prize. The losers also get a vacation out of it, to Paris. Now we have to waste time talking about this trip, even though it was unimportant enough that they waited until the last 10 minutes of the show to talk about it. Michael is out. Angela hands him his tickets to Paris and he leaves. He says he is going to be more creative and that he’d do it again. Yeah. And the winner is…Mondo. See, so many people hated that Gretchen beat him on his season. Sigh. Not that he didn’t do a good job. The judges praise him some more and Isaac tells him to have fun and enjoy himself. Why couldn’t he have just won his season? Why did we have to have a whole other season where you decided he should win when you cast him and then you passed him through with things like that horrible sack dress with the stripes? Anyway, congratulations and if you want, you can go to Neiman Marcus and buy stuff. Thanks for sticking it out with me! I’ll be back in about a month to write about food. Clicky clicky

TAR20, Recap Leg 5, 3/18/12

Welcome to Leg 5! Last time, on Maybe If I Act Like an Asshat I’ll Get On TV, teams raced from Paraguay to Italy. Art and JJ take the Fast Forward, putting them in first yet again. Dave berates Rachel B. because he can, and Rachel R. screeches at Brandon because that’s what she does best. In the end, a lost opportunity by Kentucky puts them in last place but get saved by a non-elimination leg. Who will be eliminated. . . next? (click for more)

Arrival at the pit stop last episode:
1st – Art/JJ, Team Patrulla Fronteriza
2nd – Rachel/Dave , Team Free Ron Again!
3rd – Joey “Fitness”/Danny, The Jersey Meatheads
4th – Vanessa/Ralph, The Dating Divorcees
5th – Nary/Jamie, The Fembots
6th – Brendon/Rachel, Team Sparkles – Rachel: “Where is the Rome?”
7th – Kerri/Stacy, Team Double Bubble
8th – Bopper/Mark, The Kentucky Hillbillies

Piazza Castello, Torino, Italy

8:57 AM Art/JJ (1st)
Clue: Take a train to Ehrwald, Austria and then drive yourselves across the border to Bavaria in Germany! Once there, make your way to Garmisch-Partenkirchen and find the Gasthof zum Rassen to get your next clue.

11:33 AM Rachel/Dave (2nd)
12:11 PM Joey “Fitness”/Danny (3rd)
12:27 PM Vanessa/Ralph (4th) – Vanessa: “We’re both very vocal in our relationship.”
12:56 PM Nary/Jamie (5th)
1:18 PM Brendon/Rachel (6th) – (Toyouke: “I think Rachel needs to spend more brain power on things that are not sparkly outfits. She looks like it's St. Patrick's Day and that is all the green she had.”)
3:58 PM Kerri/Stacy (7th)
5:54 PM Bopper/Mark (8th)

Everyone makes their way to the train station in the following order:

1- Art/JJ
2- Rachel/Dave
3- Joey “Fitness”/Danny
4- Vanessa/Ralph
5- Nary/Jamie
6- Brendon/Rachel
7- Kerri/Stacy
8- Bopper/Mark

Teams then book tickets for the train. Based on travel and arrival times, teams must travel through Innsbruck and then on to Ehrwald. Teams travel arrangements are as follows:

Train 1, arrives first
1) Art/JJ

Train 2, arrives second
1) Rachel/Dave
2) Joey “Fitness”/Danny

Train 3, arrives third
1) Vanessa/Ralph
2) Nary/Jamie
3) Brendon/Rachel

Train 4, arrives third
1) Kerri/Stacy

Train 5, arrives third
1) Bopper/Mark

So as the Amazing Red, Yellow and Blue Lines race towards Ehrwald, we learn that Trains 3, 4, and 5 are all going to merge in Innsbruck. (Toyouke: “Wow, they left on the train without bunching.”) We now make our way to Ehrwald, and the teams arrive and find cars in the following order:

1- Art/JJ
2- Joey “Fitness”/Danny
3- Rachel/Dave
4- Bopper/Mark
5- Vanessa/Ralph
6- Kerri/Stacy
7- Nary/Jamie
8- Brendon/Rachel

Teams now make their way to Garmisch-Partenkirchen and the Gasthof zum Rassen, which opens at 8:30 am. Only the first three teams are waiting when the restaurant opens. Teams arrive in the following order:

1- Art/JJ
2- Joey “Fitness”/Danny
3- Rachel/Dave
4- Bopper/Mark
5- Vanessa/Ralph
6- Brendon/Rachel
7- Nary/Jamie
8- Kerri/Stacy – who get lost, as is usually the case.

However, once they arrive, Bopper and Mark find the Speed Bump.

SPEED BUMP:

A speed bump is a task that must be performed by the last place team on a non-elimination leg. Once they complete this task, they may return to the place where the speed bump occurred and continue the leg. In this speed bump, teams must dress in traditional outfits and learn a yodeling routine to the specifications of the instructor in order to receive their next clue.

Teams complete the Speed Bump in the following order:

1- Bopper/Mark

After much knot yodeling, they continue with the rest of the teams in getting the clue.

And, when teams pick up the Travelocity Gnome, we get the Detour Clue.

DETOUR:
Fairy Tale OR Champion Male
*Fairy Tale: Teams make their way to a forest where they must follow a trail of gingerbread to the town of Oberammergau. Once there, teams visit the witch’s house and put together the roof of a gingerbread house. Once complete, the witch will give them their next clue.
*Champion Male: Teams make their way to Unterammergau and participate in extreme beard styling by preparing a contestant of their choice. Once their model matches the provided picture, teams get the approval of the World Champion to get their next clue.

(Toyouke: “This Detour is hilarious. "Pick up cookies and make a house, or style a beard." Both are utterly ridiculous.”)

1- Rachel/Dave choose Champion Male – Dave: “Rachel can really use her hair care products!
2- Joey “Fitness”/Danny choose Champion Male - Joey “Fitness”: “We use gel!” (Toyouke: “And the meatheads are all over it. That is why it is ridiculous.”)
3- Art/JJ choose Champion Male – JJ: “I can craft a man’s facial hair really nice!”
4- Vanessa/Ralph choose Champion Male
5- Brendon/Rachel choose Fairy Tale – Rachel: “What’s a beard?” (Auburnium0513: “HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW WHAT A BEARD IS???”)
6- Kerri/Stacy choose Fairy Tale
7- Bopper/Mark choose Fairy Tale
8- Nary/Jamie choose Champion Male

(Toyouke: “I don't get this Detour. Does it say how much gingerbread you need? Is there some poor PA running after Mark and Bopper throwing gingerbread down ahead of the other teams?” Auburnium0513: “Wouldn't it be easier to fit the gingerbread on the roof pieces while they're on the table?”)

Teams complete the detour in the following order:

1- Art/JJ
2- Rachel/Dave
3- Joey “Fitness”/Danny
4- Vanessa/Ralph
5- Nary/Jamie
6- Kerri/Stacy
7- Bopper/Mark
8- Brendon/Rachel

Teams are now instructed to drive themselves to the model for Sleeping Beauty’s castle, otherwise known as Neuschwanstein, in Schwangau, and find their next clue in King Ludwig’s bedroom. Teams arrive in the following order:

1- Art/JJ
2- Joey “Fitness”/Danny
3- Vanessa/Ralph
4- Rachel/Dave - who go on a tour in Hohenschwangau Castle with . . .
5- Nary/Jamie – by mistake. Then they have to go to the right one! (Toyouke: “Sorry, but your princess is in another castle!”)
6- Brendon/Rachel – Rachel: “We have to go to Bolivia?” (Toyouke: “Also, Rachel thinks they're looking for Bolivia. She should go.”)
7- Kerri/Stacy – who go to Hohenschwangau by mistake. (Auburnium0513: “Have these people never seen "Sleeping Beauty"? Or the Disney logo?”)
8- Bopper/Mark – who go to Hohenschwangau by mistake.

Teams then go inside and find the clue in Ludwig’s bedroom. Teams find it in the following order:

1- Art/JJ
2- Joey “Fitness”/Danny
3- Vanessa/Ralph
4- Rachel/Dave
5- Nary/Jamie
6- Brendon/Rachel
7- Kerri/Stacy
8- Bopper/Mark

Teams are then instructed to drive themselves to Füssen, make their way to the Bundesleistungszentrum für Eishockey und Curling and find Halle 2. They arrive in the following order:

1- Art/JJ
2- Joey “Fitness”/Danny
3- Vanessa/Ralph
4- Nary/Jamie
5- Brendon/Rachel
6- Rachel/Dave – who get lost.
7- Kerri/Stacy
8- Bopper/Mark

We then get the fifth roadblock clue.

ROADBLOCK:

Who’s ready to put it on ice?

In this roadblock, one team member must curl using their gnomes as the stones and must land any or all of their gnome in the button (center) of the target. Once complete, the judge will give them their next clue.

The following teammates take the Roadblock:

1- Art
2- Danny
3- Ralph – Vanessa: “It’s shuffleboard with gnomes!”
4- Nary – who throws about 200 times. Jamie: “You’re good with targets!” (Toyouke: “"You're great at targets, Nary! I mean, in your job as a schoolteacher! Targets for a hobby! That's all!")
5- Brendon
6- Rachel B.
7- Kerri
8- Mark

After much curling of gnomes, teams complete the Roadblock in the following order:

1- Art/JJ
2- Joey “Fitness”/Danny
3- Vanessa/Ralph
4- Rachel/Dave
5- Brendon/Rachel
6- Bopper/Mark
7- Kerri/Stacy
8- Nary/Jamie

Teams find now that they must drive themselves to Landhannes Farm in Schwangau, the PIT STOP of the fifth leg of this racearoundtheworld. The last team to arrive MAY be eliminated!

1- Art/JJ – who win a trip for two to Thailand. Phil: “I would like to ask you both to withdraw from the race to give these other teams a chance!”
2- Joey “Fitness”/Danny
3- Vanessa/Ralph
4- Rachel/Dave
5- Brendon/Rachel
6- Bopper/Mark
7- Nary/Jamie
8- Kerri/Stacy

And the cousins are eliminated. Stacy admits that it came down to Kerri’s poor navigating skills.

ORDER NOW:
1st – Art/JJ
2nd – Joey “Fitness”/Danny
3rd – Vanessa/Ralph
4th – Rachel/Dave
5th – Brendon/Rachel
6th – Bopper/Mark
7th – Nary/Jamie

Next week: Azerbaijan! Fire, and water, and oil baths, oh my! Until next time!


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Project Runway All Stars 3/15/12--"Finale Part 1" summary

Previously on Project Runway: Everyone had to make dresses to be sold in a boutique, and apparently the judges think America wants boxy shifts with horizontal stripes of various colors and a dust ruffle. I’m sorry, and I love Mondo, but that dress is not good. Austin and Michael, who each went out fourth in their seasons, got their redemption by passing through, so that means Kenley is out. She was much more tolerable this time around. (click for more)

Austin has shaved off the mustache. Aww. Mondo says he went from Errol Flynn to Kermit the Frog. He totally did, that is creepy. Angela has creepy eyes today. It’s the final challenge. Woo. Georgina and Isaac are here, for some reason. I hope it’s to announce home visits. Can you imagine Isaac visiting Mondo and his family? They must make a “mini-collection” of five looks. And they have four days. You couldn’t give them a week? Whatever. $3000 to shop, and they have to use the stupid accessory wall. Does that wall have enough accessories for fifteen looks? Joanna has “invited” them to her workroom at Marie Claire.

The Marie Claire offices are nice. Michael says he feels like Joanna. Unlikely. They really do have great offices. Also Joanna is in a meeting, which they walk right by as she pretends not to notice. Mondo is nervous. Joanna strolls down the hallway, and she’s wearing those open wedges that look uncomfortable, and a fab yellow dress. I like that they pretended she was super busy and made them sit around forever waiting for her. Everyone is nervous. Joanna says their collections should be a shift from the previous season, and done well. Mondo asks about theatricality, music, lights, whatever, as all three of them have been TOO theatric before. Joanna doesn’t think it’s essential, but it sounds like if it fits the clothes and the designer then they don’t mind as much. She then describes the “guest editor” position that is part of the prize, and it sounds like you’re an intern. I mean, she talks about being part of a team and interpreting runway looks for real life and working for Nina and how fun it will be. But it’s all nebulous enough that I think they probably won’t be doing a whole lot. Joanna says she’d be thrilled to have any one of them. Did they ask Nina to hide in her office while they were there so she wouldn’t be on camera?

One hour to sketch in Central Park. Austin is making a wedding dress, “the ultimate dress that most women will wear in their lives”. Mondo wants redemption. Michael claims to want it more than the other two. Mondo talks about wanting to win and he gets a little choked up.

They only have an hour to shop, which seems unfair. But then again, four days is unfair too. Michael wants a safari. Mondo is just pulling whatever, and he claims he’s not feeling it. Whatever, didn’t he win the last time he wasn’t feeling it? Austin says “modern day rock star meets Hasidic gentleman”. Yeah. Then he buys a whole roll of tulle for his wedding dress.

Someone has redone the workroom so the main area is now the lounge, and each designer has his own room to work in. Nice. Mondo is grumpy to Austin, who is only asking the producer-approved questions about his collection during dinner. Austin claims to be “helping”, but I think he’s just asking questions. Mondo shuts his door on the cameraman too, and he says he’s not happy with his fabrics anymore and he wants to quit. Whatever. We’ve heard it before. Austin has Austin things. Michael has all “ethnic” prints and shiny things and I think I saw some feathers.

Everyone is hanging out with Michael, and Mondo says there’s a lot of pressure and he feels “dead” inside, no motivation, and he goes and shuts the door to his room. I guess Michael said he could talk to him, and Mondo said “no thanks” and now the two of them are offended. OK, Mondo is kind of being sulky, but he doesn’t have to talk to you. If he doesn’t want to talk to you about it, that doesn’t mean he’s an asshat. Austin and Michael commiserate on how Mondo doesn’t want to pour out his soul to the two of them. He’s in his room with the door shut. He’s not taking up your time. So shut up about it.

Georgina shows up for some reason. Blah blah, she wants a vision, etc. Mondo looks bored, and she calls him on it. He says he’s tired of people telling him what he’s capable of and expecting things from him. You guys, it’s Killer Fatigue. Mondo has Killer Fatigue. That’s what people on shows like Amazing Race get, where they are just exhausted and done with the hoops that they have to jump through and they just don’t care anymore. It’s about to the point where he either needs to figure it out or quit, though. Georgina tells him she’s had to learn not to have breakdowns. It looks like Mondo gets started on something, but then he says he’s given up and takes the day off. Seriously, he’s lounging on the couch while everyone works.

They go out for drinks and dinner, where Mondo declares he’s done. OK, be done then. Mondo actually walks out of the restaurant. Michael points out that when Mondo is in that mood, that’s when he makes his best work ever.

The next day, Michael of course has a ton of stuff done, while Mondo has nothing. He’s started working, though, because he says this show has made him crazy and he needs therapy, so that is the theme.

Model casting. Austin actually runs to go get his wedding gown skirt to put on some girl. Really? He shouldn’t be doing that. They fight over models, doing coin flips. Mondo and Austin are fighting over multiple girls. Well that was some fun drama.

Now that Mondo has ideas, he’s going to ask Michael things all the time. He’s also painted some inkblots on muslin, which is cool. Austin has black satins. I don’t know. Now Isaac shows up, and Mondo admits to a crush. Really? I guess. They talk about the order of the show, putting new things first and big looks last. Isaac says every season, there is something that no one likes but him. That…wasn’t very exciting. They all listen to the CD and pick out tracks. Well, Michael and Mondo pick before they call Austin, so he gets the last one. Austin has some crazy things. Austin thinks that Michael’s clothes are only fit for a model--you can’t wear a bra and you have to be skinny.

Another day, and Austin is putting in hair spray. Today it’s Angela’s turn to visit. Of course no one wants to see her because she has a twist. One more look. Made out of this season’s discarded fabric. Nice. I think they saved it from each designer, so Michael’s bin has all the fabrics he used, and so forth. Also eliminated designer helpers! Whatevs. Mondo picks Mila, Austin picks Anthony, and Michael picks April. They get them for 24 hours.

April is kind of surprised, but is ready to work. Austin describes his collection, and Anthony just stands there. Until he gets into confessional, where he laughs and laughs. I missed Anthony. He says Austin really needs his help. April is ready to go on what she is making. It looks like everyone has plenty to do.

Model fittings. Austin says “leather tuxedo jumper”. The leather is from the Central Park challenge. Michael has white left over from his Greek flag dress, and Mondo has flag fabric too. Actually, Mondo has a ton of fabrics from different challenges. Anthony says it’s great working with Austin because Austin does what he tells him to do. He says some lace looks like “dead white lady”, which is hilarious because we don’t hear Anthony say it, just Austin repeating it in confessional. More working. Mondo is behind because he spent the first day doing nothing.

Last day before the show, and it’s Joanna time! Also time for helpers to leave. Austin has a gown in black with hot pink flowers. Joanna tells him to push it, and he says he is because he has this! And he pulls out what looks like shorts with suspenders, and huge inverted pleats so they are super wide at the hip. No one’s seen these before! That’s because they’re scary looking. Mondo tells her about needing therapy. He seems to be in a good place. Michael’s collection looks like a collection, and Joanna tells him resort wear is very commercial.

Hair consults. They are as exciting as they always are. More working. Michael admits he’s more worried about Austin than Mondo. Mondo is not worried about Austin. They all go home and worry about how much they have to do and how much they want to win. Clips of praise from the judges for everyone. And…then it ends. Whatevs.

Next week: I guess we’re finally done with this show. The producers award the prize to the person they want, and everyone talks about how great it is. Clicky clicky

TAR20, Recap Leg 4, 3/11/12

Welcome to Leg 4! Last time, on Stacking Watermelons Was On My Bucket List, teams raced from Argentina to Paraguay. Rachel and Dave imploded and not only used their Express Pass, but got the only penalty on the Roadblock. Art and JJ have a good leg, and cause them to finish first, but Vanessa and Ralph have a hard time stacking watermelons and find they are neck and neck with the twims, who can’t string harps or balance bottles on their heads. And the eye candy departs. Who will be eliminated. . . next? (click for more)

Arrival at the pit stop last episode:
1st – Art/JJ, Team Patrulla Fronteriza
2nd – Brendon/Rachel, Team Sparkles
3rd – Joey “Fitness”/Danny, The Jersey Meatheads
4th – Bopper/Mark, The Kentucky Hillbillies
5th – Nary/Jamie, The Fembots
6th – Rachel/Dave , Team Free Ron Again!
7th – Kerri/Stacy, Team Double Bubble
8th – Vanessa/Ralph, The Dating Divorcees

Escalinata de Antequera, Asunción, Paraguay

(Toyouke: “I find it confusing that a show with such highly skilled cameramen, they couldn't find one shot for Phil on top of the steps that DIDN'T have graffiti in it.”)

5:10 PM Art/JJ (1st)
Clue: Fly 600 miles to Turin, Italy! Once there, find a marked Ford Focus and drive yourselves to the Lingotto Building to get your next clue. You must book your tickets with a travel agent first.

(Toyouke: “That is a cool building they have to find.“)

9:59 PM Brendon/Rachel (2nd)
10:00 PM Joey “Fitness”/Danny (3rd) – Danny: “There’s a lot of hot girls here in South America.”
10:08 PM Bopper/Mark (4th) – Bopper: “My daughter is on seven respiratory medicines. I’m running this for her.” Oh, now that’s a kiss of death. Bopper: “Ooh, Italy! Somewhere tropical! Hey, Mark, how many times a year do you go to Italy?” Mark: “Three or four.” (Toyouke: “Somehow Mark's whistling is less annoying than the meatheads discussing hot girls.”)
10:09 PM Nary/Jamie (5th)
10:10 PM Rachel/Dave (6th)
10:45 PM Kerri/Stacy (7th)
12:15 AM Vanessa/Ralph (8th)

Everyone drives to the Travel Agency to get flights in the following order:

1- Art/JJ
2- Brendon/Rachel
3- Joey “Fitness”/Danny
4- Nary/Jamie
5- Rachel/Dave
6- Kerri/Stacy
7- Vanessa/Ralph – Vanessa, looking at BB Rachel: “Are those sparkles? Holy Disco Ball Batman!” (Toyouke: “Girl, that is not a disco ball. There are plenty of things you can say to insult Rachel that are accurate.”)
8- Bopper/Mark – who neglected to read the part that they needed to go to the travel agent first and went all the way to the airport. (Toyouke: “Did it say in their clue to go to a travel agent first? Did I miss that? Because I think that's an odd thing that Americans don't always realize. I'm defending Mark and Bopper's mistake, is what I'm saying.”)

So, Art and JJ get to the travel agent and find a 9:15 AM flight to Turin, getting in at 10:35 AM the next day. Everyone makes this flight, except for Bopper and Mark, who make the 11:50 AM arrival. Teams arrive at the airport as follows:

1- Art/JJ
2- Brendon/Rachel
3- Joey “Fitness”/Danny
4- Nary/Jamie
5- Rachel/Dave
6- Kerri/Stacy
7- Vanessa/Ralph
8- Bopper/Mark

Once they arrive, Bopper and Mark are sitting with the other teams, and only then do they realize that they aren’t on the same flight as everyone else. (Toyouke: “However, I will not defend not checking to see if you got tickets on the best flight.”) They scramble to get on, but miss the flight. Thus, the flights shake down as follows:

Flight 1, arrives at 10:35 AM
1) Art/JJ
2) Brendon/Rachel
3) Joey “Fitness”/Danny
4) Nary/Jamie
5) Rachel/Dave
6) Kerri/Stacy
7) Vanessa/Ralph

Flight 2, arrives at 11:50 AM
1) Bopper/Mark

We now make our way to Turin, and the teams arrive and find cars in the following order:

1- Art/JJ
2- Brendon/Rachel
3- Vanessa/Ralph
4- Joey “Fitness”/Danny
5- Nary/Jamie
6- Rachel/Dave
7- Kerri/Stacy – who have difficulty with the manual transmission.
8- Bopper/Mark

Teams now drive themselves to the Lingotto Building. Teams arrive and proceed to run to the top in the following order:

1- Art/JJ
2- Brendon/Rachel
3- Joey “Fitness”/Danny
4- Vanessa/Ralph
5- Nary/Jamie
6- Rachel/Dave
7- Kerri/Stacy
8- Bopper/Mark –Mark: “"I know a little Italy. 'Italy'." (Toyouke: “Hee.”)

Art and JJ open their clue and find. . . a Fast Forward!

FAST FORWARD:

Recall (if you can, since we haven’t seen one in three seasons) that a fast forward is a task that can be performed to allow one team to skip all remaining tasks and head directly to the pit stop. However, each team may only use their fast forward power once on the race, so they must decide when it is more advantageous to use it. In this, the first (?) fast forward on this race, teams must land a remote controlled helicopter onto a model of the Lingotto Building on top of their partner’s head. Once complete, they get their next clue and skip all remaining tasks and travel directly to the Pit Stop.

(Toyouke: “A Fast Forward! And Phil didn't say it was the only one of the race!”)

Teams decide to go for the Fast Forward in the following order:

1- Art/JJ – which keeps them in first place, if they get it. Which after much whining on the part of the team, they do.

So – helicopter flying, Fast Forward for their team. Art and JJ get their Fast Forward and travel to the PIT STOP at Piazza Castello.

All the other teams get the fourth roadblock clue.

ROADBLOCK:

What goes up must come down!

In this roadblock, one team member must rappel down the center of the building, pick up a clue on the way down, and meet their partner, all in two minutes time. Once the task is complete, teams get their next clue. If they fail to meet the time limit, they must go back to the top and start over.

The following teammates take the Roadblock:

1- Rachel R.
2- Danny
3- Vanessa – who needs two tries.
4- Jamie – who needs two tries.
5- Rachel B. – who convinces Dave that they should do it, even though he wants to go for the Fast Forward. And then when she wins the argument, he pouts. That reminds me of someone. . . (Toyouke: “FREE RON! Oh wait...I think Dave is being an ass. Not like she's being a saint, but "if you want to continue to act as you are" and "she needs to change her demeanor"? That's pretty asshat.”)
6- Stacy
7- Bopper – (Toyouke: “Did Bopper just say "Guidoville"?”)

After much rappelling, teams complete the Roadblock in the following order:

1- Brendon/Rachel
2- Joey “Fitness”/Danny
3- Rachel/Dave – and Dave continues to berate Rachel for her decision.
4- Nary/Jamie
5- Vanessa/Ralph
6- Kerri/Stacy
7- Bopper/Mark

Teams are now instructed to drive themselves to Museo Nazionale dell’Automobile. They are to use the Active Park system in their car to parallel park and then go inside the museum and find the 1916 Ford Tin Lizzie to retrieve their next clue. (Toyouke: “"Teams must parallel park"? LAMEST. CHALLENGE. EVER.”) Teams arrive in the following order:

1- Joey “Fitness”/Danny
2- Brendon/Rachel – in which Rachel starts to flip out.
3- Rachel/Dave
4- Vanessa/Ralph
5- Nary/Jamie
6- Kerri/Stacy
7- Bopper/Mark

Teams then go inside and search for the Tin Lizzie. Teams find it in the museum in the following order:

1- Brendon/Rachel
2- Joey “Fitness”/Danny
3- Rachel/Dave
4- Vanessa/Ralph
5- Nary/Jamie
6- Kerri/Stacy
7- Bopper/Mark

Teams receive a 2 cent euro with a building on it that happens to be the Mole Antonelianna, which the teams now have to drive themselves to and make their way to the top in order to get their next clue. In order to help them find it, there is conveniently located a bevy of Santa Clauses congregating near the museum. (Toyouke: “Why...are there Santas? And shouldn‘t a group of Santas be a jolly?”)

Teams now make their way to the Mole Antonelianna and arrive in the following order:

1- Joey “Fitness”/Danny
2- Rachel/Dave – Dave doesn’t follow the directions given to them by the Santa Clauses, prompting more bickering from Rachel, and more asshattery from Dave.
3- Nary/Jamie
4- Vanessa/Ralph
5- Brendon/Rachel – who thought, among other things, that they were given a penny and had to spend it in some way to get their clue. (Toyouke: “I like that Rachel thinks they have to use the money.”)
6- Kerri/Stacy
7- Bopper/Mark

Teams arrive at the top of Mole Antonelianna in the following order:

1- Joey “Fitness”/Danny
2- Rachel/Dave
3- Nary/Jamie
4- Vanessa/Ralph
5- Brendon/Rachel – (Toyouke: “Rachel, Brendon wants to call it quits because 5 minutes ago you threatened him with quitting. The rest of us at home would love if you would follow through on that. FREE BRENDON!”)
6- Kerri/Stacy
7- Bopper/Mark

And we get the Detour Clue.

DETOUR:
Clean That Statue OR Name That Salami
*Clean That Statue: Teams make their way to L’arte Marmi to use the provided equipment to restore a statue to its previous pristine state. Once complete, the artist will give them their next clue.
*Name That Salami: Teams drive to Gastronomia Salumaria and taste 14 salamis. Then, teams run a half mile to Piazza Vittorio Vinetto to name all fourteen correctly to get their next clue.

(Toyouke: “This Detour seems lopsided. Clean a statue, or memorize 14 different types of cured meat?”)

1- Brendon/Rachel choose Name That Salami
2- Rachel/Dave choose Clean That Statue – Dave: “That’s way to much meat for me to handle.”
3- Vanessa/Ralph choose Clean That Statue – Vanessa: “I haven’t eaten that much meat since high school.”
4- Joey “Fitness”/Danny choose Clean That Statue
5- Nary/Jamie choose Clean That Statue
6- Kerri/Stacy choose Name That Salami
7- Bopper/Mark choose Clean That Statue

Teams complete the detour in the following order:

1- Rachel/Dave
2- Joey “Fitness”/Danny
3- Vanessa/Ralph
4- Nary/Jamie
5- Brendon/Rachel – (Toyouke: "Okay, lets settle this. If you came on this show to get a free trip, then you should probably quit and spend some of your winnings on a trip. Or do you not have any money left? NO ONE THINKS THIS SHOW IS LIKE BIG BROTHER YOU HARPY. And when he's saying how she tells him she doesn't want to marry him, I have two thoughts. One, if you don't call her bluff on that, she'll do it forever, and Two, she looks like BreadFairy0124 in that shot.”)
6- Kerri/Stacy
7- Bopper/Mark

Teams find now that they must drive themselves to Piazza Castello, the PIT STOP of the fourth leg of this racearoundtheworld. The last team to arrive MAY be eliminated!

1- Art/JJ – who win $5000 each.
2- Rachel/Dave
3- Joey “Fitness”/Danny
4- Vanessa/Ralph
5- Nary/Jamie
6- Brendon/Rachel
7- Kerri/Stacy
8- Bopper/Mark

Phil tells the Kentucky Boys that they are the last team to arrive. Then he invites Art and JJ in, who graciously gives half their leg winnings to help Bopper’s daughter with her medical bills. And THEN Phil reminds the boys that he never said they were eliminated. This is the first of three nonelimination legs, and they are still in the race. I’m sure there’s a Speed Bump somewhere.

ORDER NOW:
1st – Art/JJ
2nd – Rachel/Dave
3rd – Joey “Fitness”/Danny
4th – Vanessa/Ralph
5th – Nary/Jamie
6th – Brendon/Rachel
7th – Kerri/Stacy
8th – Bopper/Mark

Next week: Onward to Bavaria! There is Neuschwanstein and Beer Steins and Roaming Gnomes and Beard Twirling and Yodeling. Oh my! Until next time! Clicky clicky

Project Runway All Stars 3/8/12--"Let's Get Down to Business" summary

Previously on Project Runway: we all had to make dresses out of lights for some reason. I mean…it was cool and everything, but weird. Austin won, because as other, wiser bloggers have pointed out, “avant-garde” on this show means “huge foofy collar and skirt”. It was cool though. Jerell finally was sent home for putting too many things on his clothing. (click for more)

Mondo says there are two teams in the house: Team M&M, and Team KA. Austin says he’s thrilled Kenley is still there. I have to say, she’s been much, much nicer this time around.

Angela says this week’s client is Nanette Lepore. There is a weird PSA about how much it costs to do business in New York and how that means the Garment District is disappearing. What does that have to do with the challenge? The winner gets their design sold in Nanette Lepore stores, but it must be able to be manufactured at a specific price point. What is the challenge? Make something?

They go to the studio, as Austin talks about the high rent in the area. The garment must be ready-to-wear. The profits will go to a non-profit to help businesses in the Garment District. I’m sorry, I’m sure it’s a great non-profit and that rent is high and so forth, but I cannot bring myself to care about people who can’t afford rent in New York City. Also Kenley’s hair in confessional is terrible. It’s a weird helmet. They get 30 minutes to sketch. Kenley says this is her challenge. Who knows what Michael is doing. Austin is making a coat. Mondo does not sketch, so he is worried because while everyone else is sketching he is drawing hearts. Hee.

Each person meets with Nanette and a fashion consultant-type person who can tell them what the price point is for whatever they’ve sketched. Michael has a long dress, and Nanette tells him that the dolman sleeves eat up fabric and she doesn’t see seams in his sketch, which means that the dress will use more fabric. Jersey is cheap, but they figure they can charge $380 for the dress. This somehow translates to $48 for fabric. I have no idea how this works, but then again, I kind of balk at paying more than $100 for one piece of clothing, so. I like this lesson for Michael because it means he can’t buy piles and piles of fabric and make like 5 dresses as he figures out what he’s doing. He has to be cost efficient. Kenley’s dress has keyholes and whatnot, will cost $350. $41 for fabric. Austin wants a swing coat, meaning taffeta and a lot of fabric. $500 for a coat, $65 for fabric. I think they are factoring in labor and transport, and profit. That’s what the difference is. Austin knows what that means in terms of price per yard. Mondo has to admit he doesn’t have a good sketch so he has to describe what he wants. Nanette says it looks like a tin can with a string. Ouch. Mondo only gets $32 for fabric.

Then somehow Kenley is telling Michael to teach Mondo how to sketch, and Michael is shushing her and saying they’re in someone’s studio. She’s not that loud, they had to subtitle her. Mondo and Kenley get in a fight because right before this, Kenley was telling Michael that to be a designer, you have to know how to sketch. So Mondo is offended and Kenley is trying to pretend she didn’t mean it that way. She’s all “I’m sorry, then!” Oh honey. You should have left off the “then” and the irritated sigh.

Everyone goes to find some fabric from the warehouse/storage room/ whatever. Michael grins about finding jersey, and for some reason it’s really irritating. It’s not funny. You told them you were making a dress out of jersey, and here is some jersey. We know you make dresses out of jersey, but here it’s probably a good idea. Austin has done very well staying on target, as is Michael, but Kenley has to hope half a yard is enough for trim. Mondo is actually under budget by $3.

Back in the workroom Kenley is showing off her fabric. Mondo wants some control over something. Michael was told the fabric was 60 inches wide, so he had planned to open it up, but he discovers that the print is not 60 inches wide. Shouldn’t he have seen that in the warehouse? There is just white on each side. Now he can’t make sleeves. Kenley has to plan where to find a keyhole, because her print is giant peacock feathers. Michael whines that Mondo can’t figure out what he’s doing. What do you care? Model fittings. No one has anything for them to try on. That was fun.

Joanna time! Plus Nanette! Joanna tells them they all have to be able to make clothes that are marketable. I was wrong, Kenley has most of her dress, minus sleeves. Nanette says her sketch was more fitted and this is harder to sell. Really? Looser is harder to sell? OK. Kenley says her dress is gorgeous and she swears it will look good. Michael has made a dress that is open to her navel, which will not be allowed. Nanette wants to put in a hook-and-eye closure. Joanna is still fixated on wearing a bra, but Michael has the answer! The back also has a deep V, but if you put a closure there as well as in front, you could wear a bra. Actually that’s a good idea. Austin thinks it’s hard to wear Michael’s clothes unless you’re a model, as if his clothes are easy to wear. Austin really has nothing to show yet. Mondo has lined up his fabrics, and it might work. Joanna is skeptical. Everyone works more. Michael talks about how great he is, while Mondo points out how it looks suspiciously like his gelato dress, that huge shiny travesty the judges all liked for some inexplicable reason. Austin hopes there is not a repeat of the first season.

Runway show day. Austin’s coat is unlined, and it seems to be rumpled. Mondo’s dress is not looking great. It’s tacky, there are a million things going on. Austin’s coat has a weird hem. Like it’s not finished, he just pinned it? We barely see hot makeup guy. Michael’s dress is falling off his model. Why don’t you use the closures you put in? Mondo’s dress…sigh. Kenley’s dress is cute, even if it’s the same dress she makes all the time. Plus the print doesn’t line up at the seams. Everyone talks about how much it would suck to get eliminated now. Both Austin and Michael were eliminated in fourth place.

Austin: red knee-length coat. It’s loose from the boobs down, with ¾ length sleeves, a belt, and a weird collar that almost looks like a cowl neck. Or a hood. But I can see from here that the hem is janky and it’s wrinkled. Michael: OK, first of all, if your model has to lift the hem of the dress to walk down the steps, it is not hemmed properly. Long dress with a deep V, in a green print. I don’t think there are sleeves so much as there are wide panels that run over her shoulders. There is a strange gathering right at her navel and also in the same spot in the back. And the back is cut strangely, I’m not sure why. But it moves as if he did it wrong. Mondo: Jesus. Short dress, with ruffles along the bottom, and then horizontal stripes of different colors. Seriously, the bottom ruffle looks like a bed skirt. Plus the ruffle is a raspberry print, and then there is chartreuse, black and white checks, purple, hot pink, and lavender. And it’s boxy. Kenley: a Kenley dress. It’s knee-length, with a high neck and cap sleeves, in that great peacock print, but the print doesn’t line up at the seams.

Mondo says his dress is fun and flirty and you can dress it up or down. Isaac loves it, because he is crazy? Mondo, I love you, and you do have a way with prints and colors, but this dress is fugly. Nanette doesn’t think women with “curves” will wear it. He should have put it with sandals. It’s not exciting, but the fabrics are good. Yeah. Michael talks about his dress, but weirdly Nanette and Georgina love it. Somehow Isaac thinks there is just the right amount of skin showing. Does the crack come with the runway? Like, do the producers provide it? Because I thought maybe with all new judges there wouldn’t be crack smoking. At least Angela points out it’s too long. I guess he never put the closure on the back, because that will not sell well. Kenley’s dress is cute, but the print and the seams are not working. Nanette points out her keyhole is gone, and that was the one special element that would have helped the dress sell. Isaac says he was waiting for it to change into something “more inspired”. Austin talks about his coat, and the judges all thought it was a dress. Isaac says he forgives some objections he had when he thought it was a dress. Still wrinkled though.

Austin did very well, and he has a defined point of view. The fabric just didn’t live up to the design. They respect Mondo for challenging himself by using so many different fabrics. Angela says it’s her least favorite of Mondo’s looks. Good, someone has sense. Kenley just took a nice print and didn’t make it her own. Her sketch was good, but she should have picked out a different print that worked with her sketch. Nanette is also irritated she didn’t listen to advice. Kenley has her own point of view, anyway. Michael’s dress all depends on that print, even though it’s a good dress apparently. He either is great, or terrible. Georgina thinks he needs confidence. They talk about who they’re sending home, and only Kenley and Michael are mentioned. Sigh. I think that spoiler I saw, that said they decided the whole outcome of this season before it started, it’s right.

Austin is in. Wait, Mondo won? They’re going to try to sell that dress? WTF? Who is going to pay $300 for that dress? This is worse than all that kissing up to Anya bullshit last season. And I LIKE Mondo. Michael is in. OK, this is bullshit. I don’t really like Kenley, but even I can see that she’s a better designer than Michael. I have no interest in seeing anything else from Michael. Did the producers just decide that since Austin and Michael were eliminated at this point before, that they should get into the finale?

Next week: I guess the finale. Actually the first part of a two-part finale, where they have to make signature lines and there is a twist and so forth. I hope Kenley comes back. Never thought I’d say THAT.

Clicky clicky

Top Chef 3/7/12--"Reunion" summary

Previously on “Top Chef”: it no longer matters. All that’s left is the reunion and then this season is over. (click for more)

Oh, all the judges decided to show up today. So then…why is Andy Cohen here? Paul looks good. Paul, are you glad you won? Duh. Clips of Paul’s journey. I’d forgotten he was a pothead. That’s how long the season was. Paul wins a lot. He is not involved in any drama. The end. He says he never felt like he’d made his parents proud until he won the show. Aww! His grand total winnings? $185,000, a trip to Costa Rica, and a Prius. Tom said that Sarah went out of her comfort zone but Paul’s meal was flawless. Sarah says she put herself out there, and she did feel accomplished. She also says she wasn’t robbed, even though that’s what it sounded like in her confessional after she lost. Andy becomes Jeff Probst for a moment and says someone in production told him that Sarah said “Fuck off” to a judge that night of the finale, because she was so upset. Really? She doesn’t “believe” that, and Andy’s like, you were there. Yeah, “believe” is an odd choice of words. Cue a shot of Tom visibly wincing. Did she tell him to fuck off? Awesome. Sarah maintains her innocence, and I guess we don’t have footage, because Andy drops it. Sarah keeps talking though, which makes her look more guilty, whether or not she’s guilty. She says she was emotional, she doesn’t remember saying that, but she’s sorry if she did, because she didn’t mean it. She keeps losing it, I guess because she’s the type of person who cries at everything. She then says it’s shitty it’s being brought up now. Maybe, but it’s also par for the course. It’s a reality show reunion. That’s when they bring these things up. And then all of a sudden she’s talking about how awesome Emeril is. What is going on? I think she did it. I mean, I’m not condemning her for it, I’d probably say a lot more than that.

Time for fake viewer questions! Was everyone mad when they got to Texas and there were 28 other chefs? I know I was mad when they got to Texas and there were 29 chefs. Richie says this was a good way to prove your skills, instead of being cast for personality. Bev, do you have a medical condition that makes you cry all the time? Seriously, that is the gist of the question. She is just emotional. Now we have a clip of everyone crying. At least they cut it in a hilarious manner, with Lindsay and Sarah saying “I don’t cry, crying is stupid” and then them crying. Sarah says something about crying after great sex, which, ew, so another fake viewer asks about that. She has no idea what she meant either. Apparently Grayson and Malibu flirt on Twitter all the time but they’re not dating. Malibu is red, but he swears it’s the tan. He’s still not that great. I mean, he’s cute, but not drool-worthy, you know? Montage of Grayson cursing and saying crazy things like that thing about the quail egg and slaughtered chickens and “gonna be like sex in the mouth”. And she says that thing again about “jam out with your clam out” which is EXTREMELY dirty and if one of the guys said the equivalent (rock out with your cock out)? Probably get bleeped. Think about it, I totally will admit I didn‘t get it at first. I can’t believe they let that through again. Tom is shaking his head. Also the stupid frog song.

Andy says something about a “Top Chef spin-off”, which means Ed one time said something about “Mediocre Chef” so the production people ran with it and collected a montage of fail. When Bev lit that pan on fire, and things like someone saying the food was lame and everyone celebrating. This is even worse than when Andy decides on a bromance. This is 4 minutes of random things spliced together because Ed said one thing while they were driving somewhere. It is the video equivalent of a poorly Photoshopped meme.

Tom says the judges were cranky because it was too hot. Gail kisses up and says that this group of chefs was so great they made the challenges harder. Last Chance Kitchen montage. They leave in the part where Nyesha says she especially wants to beat Heather and she did. Nice. The next question might actually be from a real person, because it addresses the idea that the producers fixed Last Chance Kitchen by having Nyesha and Beverly switch stations during that challenge, so that Beverly could benefit from Nyesha knowing what she was doing. And I’ve heard that in other places, and I can’t imagine the producers being savvy enough to address it on their own. Tom says they each ended up with unfamiliar ingredients. Nyesha kind of hesitates to answer, and Tom reassures her she can say it’s unfair, but it’s a challenge and it threw her for a loop. Everyone wanted that chance to come back, so no one thought it was unfair the thing existed. Boo. That means they’ll do it again.

Um…now there is a photo of Ty-Lor with no shirt and half his ass hanging out of his pants. And Andy starts talking about photos and he knows it’s coming. What? He jokes it’s his application for an apartment. Heh. Then he claims they’re artistic but not sexual. Right. Tom is dying. It was part of Ty-Lor’s coming out process, he says. Someone asks Ty-Lor if he’s a bear, I think (the sound went out) and Andy thought it would be funny if the “viewer” was named Tom Colicchio. Ha ha, Andy. You forget, TOM is the bear. Anyway, Ty-Lor says sure, he has body hair. Is Malibu in love with himself? I never would have thought that. I would have thought he was just a pretty boy. Like Angelo. He says he’s single and people should call him.

Montage of people getting hurt. Lots of bandages. And in an interesting shot they forgot to tell us about, MotoChris getting medical attention while he was cooking outside for the steak dinner possibly? As in, there is a medic taking his blood pressure. How do you edit out that entire event? There was no hint that he was sick. Ed admits he was a dick to Sarah when she left after getting heat stroke. Montage of MotoChris being weird and quoting Star Trek and wearing socks with sandals. He is weird. Hugh asks if he gets his ideas by spinning around on the floor real fast. Hee! I have to say, Hugh is the pleasant surprise of this season. I thought he would be annoying, but his judging was fine and his blog was hilarious. MotoChris’s hair is trending. Seriously. Lindsay hates watching herself on TV.

OK, now that we’ve spent half the show talking about whatever, we can get to the point of this reunion, which is Beverly. I knew it was coming, I’m not upset. Andy claims 90% of questions had to do with Beverly and how she was treated. Then he calls her “interesting” and “controversial”. Montage of Beverly. She is kind of a klutz. She says she felt like she wasn’t being heard a lot, but that she also knew people had her back. Her family didn’t support her at first, but they do now. Lindsay explains her Restaurant Wars behavior as her coming off the BBQ challenge and being sleep deprived and exhausted. Sometimes you go off the handle. Has anyone apologized? Sarah did, and Lindsay says she and Beverly talked. Or I guess they’re OK now? Something. Sarah didn’t want to hurt anyone, and Beverly respects everyone. So Sarah and Lindsay have apologized. Beverly says when it gets personal, like when people question her work ethic, then it’s hurtful because that’s her image. Andy wants her to point fingers but Beverly won’t. That leaves Tom free to throw Heather under the bus and say how shocked they were because they were on the same team. Heather says that was not the right thing to do, but that Beverly doesn’t trust herself, asks too many questions, and there could have been more of an effort. Basically she said “I know I looked stupid, but I stand by everything I said.” Beverly points out that shelling, cleaning, and butterflying 400 shrimp takes time. Andy asks Heather point blank if she feels she owes Beverly an apology for the work ethic comment. And Heather point blank says no. Wow. “At that time” that’s how she felt. Obviously you still feel that way. Grayson jumps in for some reason and says Heather crossed the line. Heather says she was just stating her opinion, and Tom for some reason defends Heather by saying she didn’t do it to hurt Beverly. Grayson says, yeah, actually, I think she did. She says Heather bullied Beverly that night after Restaurant Wars. Grayson would stand up for anyone. Beverly was hurt, but she’s at peace because “they” respect her. Gail says not very many people would have handled that with such grace.

Montage of bitchy comments. Wait, that’s it? No one will make her apologize? Good, I hope she’s ready for the internet shitstorm on the way. Well, maybe I should have amended that to read “montage of bitchy comments from Sarah, Heather, and Lindsay” because that’s what it ends up being. Priceless? Heather says she’s bossy but not obnoxious. No, she really said that. Are you guys always bitches in the kitchen? Sarah says mentoring is important to her and she doesn’t have any turnover in her kitchen. Uh…OK. She doesn’t want people to think she’s mean, which means I think I was right about her watching some of the show between the main show and the finale episodes. She was all of a sudden so nice and especially nice to Beverly. I think she saw herself and thought “wow, I do not look good”. She tells Andy she’s not a bully, but sometimes you have to get things done. Ty-Lor for some reason stands up for Heather and says she’s professional and taught him a lot. Padma says “Tell the truth, she bullied you into doing that picture”. Ha! Heather stands behind everything she said, because this is her personality. Andy tries to make us feel sorry for her and has her talk about the internet backlash. But I don’t feel sorry for her. Death threats, OK, that is poor. No one on reality television deserves your death threats. But this is the exact reason I don’t go on reality television, because I know I’m a bitch and I don’t need everyone else to know that too. I’ll get edited exactly like Heather, and just like Heather, I‘ll have actually said all those things and will have no excuse. Andy brings up the stupid first team thing, with the frozen shrimp that Lindsay blamed Keith for, and they had that fight about it. Keith says he wasn’t eliminated for the shrimp, he was eliminated for his dish and the shrimp was just “the fart in the air”. OK.

Montage of stupid things, that SHOULD have been commercial interludes, but they weren’t because everyone is stupid. Long car rides are good for stupid things like filming each other and talking about dating sites. People lusting after John Besh, who, like Malibu, isn’t that hot. Making fun of Chuy’s stories. Ty-Lor driving and flipping the bird to some other car.

Did the girls have an advantage in Restaurant Wars because the guys went first and the girls could fix everything? No, because they didn’t have time. The advantage was more because the girls had an extra night to rest. Boys won anyway. Paul and Grayson cooked for Michelle Obama? They’re at some school, and then Fabio and Blais are there too! And Tom! And…who is that? Jen? Oh, I think it’s that asshat Spike too. You know he was on “The Next Iron Chef: Super Chefs” or whatever they called it, and he was the first one out? Very satisfying. They had some type of Quickfire thing. I wish my school had done cool things like that when I was little. Emeril hates to send people home, but he likes to see people’s passion. Hugh tells people they would fail at Top Chef if they tried it. Gail is sweet and perfect and never loses it. Hee. Another stupid producer-produced fake montage designed to make Gail look like a bitch. That was lame. I think whoever has been making those fake montages is the person responsible for picking clips for the commercial interludes. Also Gail has a book.

Now a random question about Beverly and those stupid challenges in Whistler. Sarah says if Paul had won the first round, there wouldn’t have been any food because Paul busted all the ice in the second round. True that.

Really, Andy? “Would You Rather?” you couldn’t find a better use of your last five minutes? Heather, make out with Beverly or cook Asian food forever? Make out with Bev. Sarah, Texas or Italy? Padma is like, uh…not that hard. Italy. Malibu, would you rather be a porn star or an action hero? OK, that one is funny. Action hero? What? Apparently we were short on quotes this season, because the T-shirt has no quotes, it just is black with white dotted lines outlining a torso. A weird looking torso. It kind of looks like boobs, and an hourglass figure, but there are some weird lines that do not correspond to anything. And then a giant knife in the middle. This T-shirt sucks. Oh, that was the Commercial Interlude. Just like the T-shirt: nonsensical and stupid.

You know that show “Around the World in 80 Plates”? There is a chef from St. Louis on it. From a restaurant I have been to. And it was delicious. I think I’m going to try recapping it, so let’s hope it doesn’t suck.

Montage of judge outtakes. When Padma was introducing that Quickfire where they thought they would have to kill snakes, someone put fake joke snakes into the box she had. Babbling. Slow clap? I think that’s how the judges told that group they were the winners, with the slow clap. That’s kind of awesome, actually. John Besh says the rub was nice. Padma flirts with Charlize Theron. There is a weird conversation about Tom touching his penis. Pee Wee asks everyone if this is Top Chef’s jumping the shark episode. Burn! Because that episode kind of was. Some girl says Hugh is sexy but please wax the unibrow. Or the “Hughnibrow” as Andy calls it. But if you raise $100,000 for his charity he’ll go on Andy’s show and wax it. Malibu will probably win fan favorite. Will I watch Andy’s show to find out? Fuck no.

“Around the World in 80 Plates” starts in May! See you then! Clicky clicky

TAR20, Recap Leg 3, 3/4/12

Welcome to Leg 3! Last time, on I Have the Math Skills of a Two Year Old, teams raced through Argentina and put together ovens and counted cattle. And an 18 hour bus ride put some teams behind the pack, causing the elimination of the Clowns, whose poor math skills finally got the better of them. Who will be eliminated. . . next? (click for more)

Arrival at the pit stop last episode:
1st – Rachel/Dave , Team Free Ron Again!
2nd – Art/JJ, Team Patrulla Fronteriza
3rd – Bopper/Mark, The Kentucky Hillbillies
4th – Brendon/Rachel, Team Sparkles
5th – Kerri/Stacy, Team Double Bubble
6th – Nary/Jamie, The Fembots
7th – Vanessa/Ralph, The Dating Divorcees
8th – Joey “Fitness”/Danny, The Jersey Meatheads
9th – Elliot/Andrew, The Wondertwins

El Gomero, La Recoleta, Buenos Aires, Argentina

12:22 AM Rachel/Dave (1st)
Clue: Fly to Asunción, Paraguay! Once there, travel by taxi to Metalúrgica Punta de Rieles and search the equipment to find your next clue. You have $200 for this leg of the race.

(Toyouke: “Shouldn't they be leaving South America by now?”)

12:25 AM Art/JJ (2nd)
Bopper/Mark (3rd)
Brendon/Rachel (4th)
Kerri/Stacy (5th)
Nary/Jamie (6th)
Vanessa/Ralph (7th)
Joey “Fitness”/Danny (8th)
Elliot/Andrew (9th)

AND the Powers that Be decide that we don’t really need pit stop times because the more important thing is that everyone arrived at the airport to get flights in the following order:

1- Rachel/Dave
2- Art/JJ
3- Nary/Jamie
4- Bopper/Mark
5- Brendon/Rachel
6- Kerri/Stacy
7- Vanessa/Ralph
8- Joey “Fitness”/Danny
9- Elliot/Andrew

So, Rachel and Dave get to the counter and find an 8:45 AM direct flight to Asunción that leaves two hours earlier than the next flight, departing at 10:40 AM. Thus, they get standby tickets, as do all the other teams. (Toyouke: “This poor man at the check-in counter just had to deal with a dozen Americans making stupid jokes about booting people off flights.”) Only four sets miraculously open up, so the flights shake down as follows:

Flight 1, arrives at 8:45 AM
1) Rachel/Dave
2) Art/JJ
3) Nary/Jamie
4) Bopper/Mark

Flight 2, arrives at 10:40 AM
1) Brendon/Rachel
2) Kerri/Stacy
3) Vanessa/Ralph
4) Joey “Fitness”/Danny
5) Elliot/Andrew

The Amazing Red and Green lines now take us to Paraguay, and the teams arrive in the following order:

1- Art/JJ
2- Bopper/Mark
3- Nary/Jamie
4- Rachel/Dave
5- Brendon/Rachel
6- Kerri/Stacy
7- Elliot/Andrew
8- Vanessa/Ralph
9- Joey “Fitness”/Danny

Teams now travel by taxi to the Metalúrgica Punta de Rieles. (Toyouke: “This playground is insane. Why are there grills?“) Teams arrive and get their clue in the following order:

1- Art/JJ
2- Bopper/Mark
3- Nary/Jamie
4- Rachel/Dave
5- Brendon/Rachel
6- Kerri/Stacy
7- Elliot/Andrew
8- Joey “Fitness”/Danny
9- Vanessa/Ralph

And we get the Detour Clue.

DETOUR:
Stacked Up OR Strung Out
*Stacked Up: Teams take a taxi to the Deposito de Frutas La Estrella. Teams then find a loaded watermelon truck and unload it to form a 10 x 10 pyramid of watermelons. Once the pyramid is perfectly formed, teams will get their next clue. (Kmanpat: “Look, kids, a practical use for (n)(n + 1)(2n + 1) / 6.”)
*Strung Out: Teams take a taxi to Universidad National de Asunción and string a 36 string harp to prepare it for tuning in order to get their next clue.

(Toyouke: “Pyramid stacking = opportunity for hilarity. Also I would like to know why the harp is the national instrument of Paraguay. Just seems odd, is all.”)

1- Art/JJ choose Stacked Up – (Toyouke: “I'm going to start saying "it's hotter than new love".”)
2- Rachel/Dave choose Stacked Up – and their watermelons fall, causing the first Bald Snark of the season. And then, they get to the other option, and decide to use the Express Pass. (Toyouke: “FREE RON! I don't know if that was relevant for that argument or not. I just felt like saying it.”)
3- Nary/Jamie choose Stacked Up – whose watermelons fall, and they Bald Snark to Strung Out.
4- Bopper/Mark choose Stacked Up – whose watermelons fall, and they Bald Snark to Strung Out. (Toyouke: “I love that Mark took a couple of seconds to eat some of the busted watermelon. I probably would do the same.”)
5- Joey “Fitness”/Danny choose Stacked Up
6- Brendon/Rachel choose Stacked Up – who get fed up by Vanessa’s taunting, and they Bald Snark to Strung Out.
7- Vanessa/Ralph choose Stacked Up – and battle through the falling watermelons to actually build the pyramid.
8- Elliot/Andrew choose Strung Out – and one would think a musician could handle this. (Auburnium0513: “I find it very interesting that everyone is saying "I'm good at this sort of thing" and yet only the twins picked this task first.”)
9- Kerri/Stacey choose Strung Out – after being told by Team Kentucky how long they spent on the watermelons. But not that Team Kentucky never finished the watermelons. (Toyouke: “I am entertained by Mark and Bopper screwing with those girls.”)

(Toyouke: “The guy checking the watermelon stacks is awesome. The pause before the thumbs up was fantastic. And I think, accounting for the travel time and the two hours you already spent there, a Bald Snark isn't really a good idea.”)

Teams complete the detour in the following order:

1- Art/JJ – Art: “Stacking watermelons in Paraguay was on my bucket list!”
2- Rachel/Dave
3- Brendon/Rachel
4- Bopper/Mark
5- Joey “Fitness”/Danny
6- Kerri/Stacy
7- Nary/Jamie
8- Elliot/Andrew
9- Vanessa/Ralph

Teams are now instructed to take a taxi to Plaza de la Democracia. Teams arrive in the following order:

1- Art/JJ
2- Rachel/Dave
3- Brendon/Rachel
4- Joey “Fitness”/Danny
5- Bopper/Mark
6- Nary/Jamie
7- Kerri/Stacy
8- Elliot/Andrew
9- Vanessa/Ralph

And once they arrive, teams get the third roadblock clue.

ROADBLOCK:

Who’s ready to use their head?

In this roadblock, one team member must learn a traditional bottle dance routine without dropping the bottle on the ground. Teams have a finite number of bottles, and if they drop all of them, they will incur a two hour penalty at the Pit Stop. Once the task is complete, teams get their next clue.

(Toyouke: “Where's Jet and Cord and their "We amuse ourselves by balancing brooms on our chins so we can totally balance a flag"!?! You know they balance bottles on their heads too. Wait, the bottles are full of liquid? That makes this better.”)

The following teammates take the Roadblock:

1- Art
2- Dave – who uses all his bottles. And is the only one.
3- Rachel R.
4- Joey “Fitness”
5- Mark
6- Nary
7- Kerri
8- Elliot
9- Ralph

After much bottle balancing, teams complete the Roadblock in the following order:

1- Art/JJ
2- Rachel/Dave
3- Brendon/Rachel
4- Joey “Fitness”/Danny
5- Bopper/Mark
6- Nary/Jamie
7- Kerri/Stacy
8- Vanessa/Ralph
9- Elliot/Andrew

Teams find now that they must travel by foot to Escalinata de Antequera, the PIT STOP of the third leg of this racearoundtheworld. The last team to arrive MAY be eliminated!

1- Art/JJ – who win a trip for 2 to the Bahamas.
2- Brendon/Rachel
3- Joey “Fitness”/Danny
4- Bopper/Mark
5- Nary/Jamie
6- Rachel/Dave – and Phil tells us that no other team has ever gotten a penalty on a task and survived to the next leg. (Toyouke: “No it's not! Rob and Amber quit their Roadblock and didn't get eliminated! Jesus, Phil!” Kmanpat: “And the three other teams that did it with them. . .”)
7- Kerri/Stacy
8- Vanessa/Ralph
9- Elliot/Andrew

And we bid goodbye to hot twins. They are sad. But any guitarist that cannot string a harp? Buh-bye.

ORDER NOW:
1st – Art/JJ
2nd – Brendon/Rachel
3rd – Joey “Fitness”/Danny
4th – Bopper/Mark
5th – Nary/Jamie
6th – Rachel/Dave
7th – Kerri/Stacy
8th – Vanessa/Ralph

Next week: Off to Italy we go! There are remote controlled helicopters and statues. And Rachel is being loud and screetchy. Until next time!


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