TAR16, Recap Leg 1, 2/14/10

Welcome to Leg 1! We’re back to TAR after a hiatus, which, in my opinion, was a bit too long. But it’s the same old, same old, as we have careening! Los Angeles! Traffic! The Amazing Bus! And we’re back down to eleven teams, so no TAR monkey business. The eleven teams are: (click for more)

Brent and Caite, AKA Team Like The Iraq Such As, are dating models (again? Why TAR, WHY?) from South Carolina. In fact, you know Caite (pronounced Katy) from the internet, Miss South Carolina 2007 herself. She wants to prove that she isn’t an idiot. Here’s hoping.

Jet and Cord, AKA The Cowboy Brothers are from Oklahoma, and have both won five world rodeo championships each. Sweet.

Steve and Allie, AKA Team World Series, are a father/daughter team, and dad was the 2008 World Series winning coach for the Phillies. They could be extremely strong.

Dan and Jordan, AKA Team I Love You Bro!, are brothers from Rhode Island. Jordan is gay. Dan is not. It is painfully obvious. And they are from Rhode Island.

Dana and Adrian, AKA Team High School Sweethearts, have been married for over seventeen years. And they really, really, really love each other. Something tells me they won’t last long.

Jordan and Jeff, AKA Team Big Brother, are a long distance couple that met on Big Brother 11, and Jordan actually won the show. Except she’s apparently not that bright. (Toyouke: “’I don't know how to tell time with clocks’?!?! I know people use digital clocks a lot but seriously. Actually we had a discussion about that at lunch one day, that as more and more people use digital clocks, and can't read an analog clock, phrases like "quarter til" become obsolete. But she's old enough to know better.”)

Jody and Shannon, AKA The Triathletes, are grandmother and granddaughter. They are going to be tough to beat if they can get to the front of the pack.

Louie and Michael, AKA Team Sherlock, are detectives from Rhode Island. Again with the Rhode Island? I thought it was our smallest state. Louie: “We deal with high level drug dealers, so the race should be a snap.” Um, you apparently aren’t familiar with the Amazing Editors then. . . (Auburnium0513: “The whole "under cover" part of their operation might be blown after this.”)

Monique and Shawne, AKA Team Claire Huxtable, are friends, moms and lawyers. Yeah, that’s all I’ve got.

Joe and Heidi, AKA The Asians, are married. Joe apparently is extremely confrontational. So he knows he’s the downfall of his team. It’s good to get that out in the open right away.

Carol and Brandy, AKA The Lesbians, are dating. Carol: “Our idea of the Amazing Race is finding the nearest Louis Vuitton!”) I hear Team Cha Cha Cha calling. . .


The camera careens to the park where the teams are standing where Phil gives his standard speech. There will be twelve legs where each team will get a “small amount of cash”. Phil tells them that their first clue is on their bags. They are to run to their bags, solve the clue to get their tickets, and then to get themselves to the airport, and the first team to finish will win ONE MILLION DOLLARS (US$1000000)! Oh, but wait, there’s more. Teams must use public transport to get themselves to the airport. (Toyouke: “Ha, public transportation. Have fun kids!”) Once they arrive, only three sets of tickets are available for the first flight. Then oh so sexy Phil does his standard patter: “Ready? The world is waiting for you. Good luck, travel safe. (Toyouke: “Where is my eyebrow pop you bastards?!?!”) GO!” Who will be eliminated . . . tonight?

Los Angeles, California

Clue: Travel to Santiago, Chile! You may take one of two flights: American through Dallas, or American through Miami, which departs an hour later. To get tickets on a flight, teams must travel by public transport to the airport. Only three sets of tickets are available for the first flight.

Teams find routes to the airport. The Asians know LA well, so they suggest the metro and three other teams follow their lead. The rest of the teams find their way to Union Station and take the FlyAway bus directly to the terminal. Thus, the order of departure for the airport is:

1- Steve/Allie
2- Joe/Heidi
3- Dan/Jordan – Jordan is apparently a HUGE fan of Miss Teen South Carolina, and does a bang up impression. Jordan: “When I heard she was racing us, I almost pooped myself.” (Toyouke: “Oh, of course Jordan the flamer knows Miss The Iraq's speech by heart.”)
4- Brent/Caite
5- Jordan/Jeff – who can’t even figure out where they are going. Jordan: “China?” Jeff: “Guatemala?” Um, did you even read the clue? It SAYS Santiago CHILE. *sigh* Where do they find these teams? Oh, but then, Jeff figures it out and chides Jordan. Jeff: “Did you never watch Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?” YES! (Toyouke: “Woo! Carmen Sandiego!”)
6- Monique/Shawne
7- Carol/Brandy – Brandy: “Who takes the bus in LA?”
8- Dana/Adrian
9- Jet/Cord – Cord: “I don’t get this public transportation stuff. We have one light in our town and it is blinking yellow.”
10- Jody/Shannon
11- Louie/Michael – Michael: “Nanna’s kicking your butt.” Ah, title quote.

Apparently, the bus is faster, so Team Claire Huxtable, Team Big Brother, the Lesbians and the High School Sweethearts make it to the airport first. (Toyouke: “Oo, the bus was faster.” Auburnium0513: “I was expecting traffic issues.”)

So, the first three teams are on the American Flight to Dallas, and the remaining eight are on the American Flight to Miami.

Thus, the flights shake down like this:

Flight 1: American via Dallas
1) Monique/Shawne
2) Jordan/Jeff
3) Dana/Adrian

Flight 2: American via Miami
1) Carol/Brandy
2) Joe/Heidi
3) Steve/Allie
4) Brent/Caite
5) Dan/Jordan
6) Jet/Cord
7) Louie/Michael
8) Jody/Shannon

While they are in the airport, Jet and Cord take the opportunity to exchange their money. To Brazilian. (Toyouke: “Brazil!??!! No! Cute but stupid! Curses!! LAX didn't have Chilean money? I doubt that.”) And Gay Jordan takes time to tell everyone about Miss The Iraq. In addition, there is a mechanical delay on the first flight. This forces the other three teams to rebook on the later flight, putting all of the teams on the same flight. Which defeats the purpose of having multiple flights, but whatever.

So, teams board the flight together. Big Brother Jordan apparently has never been out fo the country, so Jeff decides to quiz her: “Are you bringing any illegal plants or fruits with you?” (Auburnium0513: “I feel like that calls for some kind of gay joke.”) The Amazing Red Line takes us to Miami and Santiago. (Toyouke: “I think this might be the first time all teams left the start city together.”)

Once teams arrive in Chile, we find out the rest of the clue. Teams are now traveling by bus to Valparaiso, Chile, which is 60 miles away. Once there, teams find Ascensor Villeseca, one of the many funiculars in the San Fransisco of South America. At the funicular, teams will get their next clue.

Teams are now to travel by bus to Valparaiso. Teams get busses in the following order:

Bus 1, 12:15 pm
1- Dana/Adrian
2- Jordan/Jeff
3- Brent/Caite
4- Monique/Shawne

Bus 2, 12:20 pm
1- Carol/Brandy
2- Joe/Heidi
3- Dan/Jordan
4- Steve/Allie

Bus 3, 12:30 pm
1- Louie/Michael
2- Jody/Shannon
3- Jet/Cord – because they had to re-exchange their money.

Teams arrive in Valparaiso in the following order:

1- Jordan/Jeff
2- Brent/Caite
3- Monique/Shawne
4- Dana/Adrian
5- Joe/Heidi
6- Dan/Jordan
7- Steve/Allie
8- Carol/Brandy
9- Louie/Michael
10- Jody/Shannon
11- Jet/Cord

Teams arrive at the Ascensor Villaseca Clue Box in the following order:

1- Brent/Caite
2- Jordan/Jeff
3- Joe/Heidi
4- Dan/Jordan
5- Steve/Allie
6- Carol/Brandy
7- Monique/Shawne
8- Dana/Adrian
9- Louie/Michael
10- Jody/Shannon
11- Jet/Cord

Once they arrive, teams get the first roadblock clue.

ROADBLOCK:

Who has the balance of a cat and the courage of a lion?

In this roadblock, one team member must go cable walking 120 feet above the ground. Once they walk the length of a football field in the air, they will get their next clue.

(Toyouke: “Good thing this was a Roadblock. So many people afraid of heights. Like going on Survivor not knowing how to swim.”)

1- Caite
2- Jordan
3- Joe
4- Dan – Jordan: “Jujz yourself along!” (Toyouke: “Did Jordan just say "jujz yourself along"? Is that how you spell "jujz"? Jooshz? You should know how to spell that as Clinton and also Carson say that all the time.” Kmanpat: “I don’t but we’ll start with your spellings.”)
5- Allie
6- Brandy
7- Shawne
8- Adrian – who falls off. And has to go back. Which can’t be good.
9- Louie
10- Shannon
11- Cord

After much tightrope walking, teams complete the Roadblock in the following order:

1- Brent/Caite
2- Jordan/Jeff
3- Dan/Jordan
4- Steve/Allie
5- Joe/Heidi
6- Carol/Brandy
7- Monique/Shawne
8- Louie/Michael
9- Jet/Cord
10- Jody/Shannon
11- Dana/Adrian

Once the roadblock is completed, teams are told to take the funicular Ascensor Artilleria to the bottom to get the next clue.

Teams head down in the following order:

1- Brent/Caite –except they miss the part about taking the funicular because they don’t know what it is. (Toyouke: “Thank God we watch this show and know what a funicular is.”)
2- Jordan/Jeff
3- Dan/Jordan
4- Steve/Allie
5- Joe/Heidi
6- Carol/Brandy
7- Monique/Shawne
8- Louie/Michael
9- Jet/Cord
10- Jody/Shannon

Teams are now instructed to choose four cans of paint and the required tools on Templeman Street and walk up to a house with the same color of paint to paint the unfinished section. Teams will then receive their next clue from a local painter. (Toyouke: “While they paint I want a Karate Kid reference to brushing. Brush up, brush down. Was that the quote? I don't remember.”)

Teams arrive at the paint supplies in the following order:

1- Brent/Caite – Brent: “We’re frustrated that we can’t find the houses.” Actually, you’re frustrated. Don’t bring Miss The Iraq into this. She has her own issues, like, such as. . .
2- Dan/Jordan – and Dan loses a paintbrush. Jordan astutely realizes that this will probably mean a penalty later.
3- Jordan/Jeff
4- Steve/Allie –who, through prompting by Steve, actually go into someone’s house and start painting, to the confusion and relief of the painters who are already there. At least it was the same color. (Toyouke: “Painting the wrong house = hilarious.”)
5- Joe/Heidi
6- Carol/Brandy
7- Monique/Shawne
8- Louie/Michael
9- Jet/Cord
10- Jody/Shannon

After much ridiculousness, teams finally go UP Templeton Street and find the houses in the following order:

1- Jordan/Jeff
2- Brent/Caite
3- Monique/Shawne
4- Dan/Jordan
5- Jet/Cord
6- Steve/Allie
7- Joe/Heidi
8- Carol/Brandy
9- Louie/Michael
10- Jody/Shannon

Teams finish the paint job and get their clue in the following order:

1- Jordan/Jeff
2- Brent/Caite
3- Monique/Shawne
4- Jet/Cord
5- Dan/Jordan
6- Steve/Allie
7- Joe/Heidi
8- Carol/Brandy
9- Louie/Michael
10- Jody/Shannon

Teams must now get themselves on foot to the PIT STOP, the alecio Baburizza. Teams must have all of their paint items to check in. This is the first pit stop in a racearoundtheworld. The last team to arrive WILL be eliminated!

1- Jordan/Jeff – They win a trip for 2 to Vancouver. How timely. They also win the opportunity to do Skeleton on the Whistler Luge track. I’d be selling that package right now, TYVM. RIP Nodar Kumaritashlivi. (Toyouke: “Yeah, have fun in Vancouver NOT during the Olympics.”)
2- Monique/Shawne
3- Jet/Cord – (Toyouke: “Hot cowboy brothers! Still in it!”)
4- Steve/Allie
5- Joe/Heidi
6- Carol/Brandy
7- Brent/Caite – who were second to arrive, but got a 30 minute penalty for not knowing what a funicular is. (Toyouke: “Miss The Iraq says technically she's second: And technically if you are the first runner up you might be Miss Teen USA someday. But you still lost.”)
8- Dan/Jordan – who were fourth, but arrived without a paintbrush and got a 15 minute penalty as a result.
9- Louie/Michael
10- Jody/Shannon
11- Dana/Adrian

Notice that Dana and Adrian never left the Roadblock and had to be Philiminated there. Sad. But they still love each other! And they always will.

ORDER NOW:
1st – Jordan/Jeff
2nd – Monique/Shawne
3rd – Jet/Cord
4th – Steve/Allie
5th – Joe/Heidi
6th – Carol/Brandy
7th – Brent/Caite
8th – Dan/Jordan
9th – Louis Michael
10th – Jody/Shannon

Next week: New alliances. Although this just seems to amount to free cutsies. Until next time . . .