TAR14, Recap Leg 1, 2/15/09

Welcome to Leg 1! We’re back to TAR after a hiatus, which, in my opinion, was a bit too long. But it’s the same old, same old, as we have careening! Los Alamos! This time, the teams arrive via United States Marine Corps helicopter at the Joint Forces Training Base. The eleven teams are: (click for more)

Christie and Jodi, AKA The Blondes, are blonde. And that’s about all they talk about. Oh, and they know how to fly. And it shows.

Tammy and Victor, AKA Team Asian are a brother and sister lawyer team. They both graduated from Harvard Law. So they’re really smart. (Kmanpat: “As I always say, Japan people are smart.”)

Margie and Luke, AKA Team Hearing Aid, are a mother and son, where the son is deaf, can’t read lips and can’t speak fluent English. Mom translates, quite well I may add.

Steve and Linda, AKA The Hicks, are from Virginia and have been married for 17 years. Steve: “We’re hicks from the sticks!”

Kisha and Jen, AKA The Blacks, are former college athletes. They want to learn how to deal with each other. (Toyouke: “Really? That’s their nickname?” Kmanpat: “They are the third female team! It’s all hair color! What color is their hair? Black!” Toyouke: “That’s about as bad as the Black family in TAR8 being African American. . .”)

Preston and Jennifer, AKA Team Dysfunction, are dating for two years from South Carolina. Jennifer loves to be in charge. But Preston says the team works best when he’s in charge. Oh, that’s going to fly over like a lead balloon.

Brad and Victoria, AKA The Ohio Team, are married for 9 years from Ohio. And they’re buff.

Mel and Mike, AKA Gay Family, are father and son. Dad is Mel White. Yes, THAT Mel White who used to write speeches for Jerry Falwell. Yes, THAT Jerry Falwell. The son wrote School of Rock. And they’re both gay. Oh, this is going to be fun. . .

Amanda and Kris, AKA The YDC, are dating for three years from San Diego. Kris: “I am 110% with this girl.” Well, that’s good. (Kmanpat: “At least they aren’t Amanda and Chris from South Dakota in Season 4. That girl had a mouth. . “)

Mark and Michael, AKA The Stuntmen, are former jockeys and brothers. They stand in for kids. Because they are both under five feet tall.

Jaime and Cara, AKA The Brunettes, are former NFL cheerleaders and are assertive young women. Apparently, that is to be read as “bitchy.”

The camera careens to the tarmac where the teams are standing where Phil gives his standard speech. There will be “a number of legs” where each team will get a “small amount of cash” and that eight of the pit stops are elimination points. We have our first eyebrow pop, and Phil tells them that their first clue is on their bags. They are to run to their bags and get in a marked car to drive themselves to the airport, and the first team to finish will win ONE MILLION DOLLARS (US$1000000)! Then oh so sexy Phil does his standard patter: “Ready? The world is waiting for you. Good luck, travel safe. GO!” Who will be eliminated . . . tonight?

Los Angeles, California

Clue: Travel to Locarno Switzerland! You may take one of two flights: Lufthansa to Zurich, which departs at 3:35 pm, or Air France to Milan, departing at 4 pm. Teams must then take a train to get to Locarno.

So, teams go to the airport. Opening credits! I only mention this because they put in a brand new font, music and layout this year. It was time for a slight revamp after 12 seasons of the other. AND, after that, magically, we’re at LAX. Well that was uneventful. Must be more fun later. Teams arrive at Los Angeles International Airport in the following order:

1-Tammy/Victor
2-Mel/Mike
3-Preston/Jennifer
4-Amanda/Kris

And everyone else shows up.

Teams choose flights to Locarno. I think. I mean, for the first time in years, they don’t show us the airline counter struggle. Which must have been uneventful. Gee, they are making my job hard this year. Thus, the flights shake down like this:

Flight 1: Lufthansa to Zurich, departs 3:35 pm
1) Tammy/Victor
2) Christie/Jodi
3) Jaime/Cara
4) Mark/Michael
5) Brad/Victoria
6) Margie/Luke

Flight 2: Air France to Milan, departs 4 pm
1) Kisha/Jen
2) Mel/Mike – Mike: “I want the other teams to learn that my dad isn’t Cloris Leachman, but MacGyver.”
3) Amanda/Kris
4) Preston/Jennifer
5) Steve/Linda

So, here’s what we learn. Even though Air France departs and arrives second, Milan is closer to Locarno. So, then the question is, will the train from Milan move faster to Locarno?

The Amazing Red and Blue Lines – ooh, they got a makeover! – take us from Los Angeles to Zurich and Milan.

Teams arrive in their respective cities in the following order:

Zurich to Locarno
1) Tammy/Victor
2) Mark/Michael
3) Margie Luke
4) Christie/Jodi – who, in today’s intelligent move, talk to a local woman who gets them on another train to get to Locarno faster. Good job, flight attendants!
5) Jaime/Cara
6) Brad/Victoria

Milan to Locarno
1) Kisha/Jen
2) Mel/Mike
3) Steve/Linda
4) Amanda/Kris
5) Preston/Jennifer – who get lost and miss the first train.

And we get a new topographic map to look at. So, teams arrive in Locarno in the following order:

1- Christie/Jodi
2- Tammy/Victor
3- Margie/Luke
4- Mark/Michael
5- Brad/Victoria
6- Jaime/Cara
7- Mel/Mike
8- Kisha/Jen
9- Amanda/Kris
10- Steve/Linda
11- Preston/Jennifer

Teams are now told to race on foot to the Church of San Antonio and sign the church register to get a message from the clergyman. Then teams arrive and sign up for departures in the following order:

7:15 am
1) Christie/Jodie
2) Tammy/Victor
3) Margie/Luke
4) Mark/Michael

7:30 am
1) Brad/Victoria
2) Jaime/Cara
3) Mel/Mike

7:45 am
1) Kisha/Jen
2) Amanda/Kris
3) Steve/Linda
4) Preston/Jennifer

Teams arrive and get directions for their campsite for the evening, which apparently has lots of mosquitoes. Steve makes Linda cry over the fact that she can’t run very fast. (Toyouke: “Asshat. If you started yelling at me for being slow, I would probably stop crying and kick your ass.” Kmanpat: “Yeah, you would.”)

Time lapse, it’s morning, and Phil reminds us the order of departure.

Teams are now instructed to look at a picture and figure out where to go. (Toyouke: “A CLUE! A REAL CLUE!”) It happens to be the Verzasca Dam, and teams will get their next clue there.

Teams depart the church in the following order:

1- Mark/Michael
2- Tammy/Victor
3- Margie/Luke
4- Mel/Mike
5- Brad/Victoria
6- Christie/Jodi – who missed the memo about the taxi park and spend more than 15 minutes looking for one.
7- Amanda/Kris
8- Jaime/Cara – who missed the memo about the taxi park and spend more than 15 minutes looking for one.
9- Steve/Linda
10- Preston/Jennifer
11- Kisha/Jen

Teams eventually find taxis and arrive at the dam in the following order:

1- Mark/Michael
2- Tammy/Victor
3- Margie/Luke
4- Mel/Mike
5- Brad/Victoria
6- Christie/Jodi
7- Amanda/Kris
8- Jaime/Cara
9- Preston/Jennifer
10- Steve/Linda
11- Kisha/Jen

And teams come to the first roadblock.

ROADBLOCK:

Who has nerves of steel?

In this roadblock, one team member bungee 70 stories off the side of the dam in the second tallest bungee jump in the world. (Toyouke: “I'm surprised they let you jump off a dam for fear you might slam into it at some point.”)

The following team members complete the Roadblock.

1- Victor
2- Michael
3- Luke
4- Mike
5- Victoria
6- Jodi - “Holy Mother of God!”
7- Kris
8- Jaime
9- Preston
10- Jen
11- Steve

After much swooning and jumping, teams complete the Roadblock in the following order:

1- Tammy/Victor
2- Mark/Michael
3- Margie/Luke
4- Mel/Mike
5- Brad/Victoria
6- Christie/Jodi
7- Amanda/Kris
8- Jaime/Cara
9- Preston/Jennifer
10- Kisha/Jen
11- Steve/Linda

Teams are now instructed to take the train to Interlaken and find Kleine Rugen Weise to receive their next clue.

In the process, the top four teams are now our source of entertainment, as they are all on the same train, thanks to Victor. Mel: “It’s not that we don’t trust you. It’s that we don’t trust you.” And Brad and Victoria throw off the blondes, who end up on a slower train. So, teams arrive at the Interlaken clue box in the following order.

1- Mel/Mike
2- Margie/Luke
3- Tammy/Victor
4- Mark/Michael
5- Kisha/Jen
6- Jaime/Cara
7- Brad/Victoria
8- Amanda/Kris
9- Preston/Jennifer
10- Steve/Linda
11- Christie/Jodi

Teams are now given the instruction to “join the local work force” by choosing an antique cheese rack, climb the hill to the aging shed, pick up 200 pounds (4 rounds) of cheese, and stack them at the bottom of the hill receive their next clue. The funniest scene in TAR history then plays out as “antique” cheese racks fall apart, team members slide down the hill on their rear ends, and cheese starts flying down the hill. Mel, title-quoting: “Don’t let the cheese hit me!” Victor: “You will get a wheel of cheese down the hill, even if you have to slide on your butt. . . “ And, the Amazing Editors cut to Mel, sliding on his butt. In an ingenious move, Steve the hick creates a sled out of his rack and gets 3 of the wheels down the hill in one move. (Toyouke: “As much as hick Steve is a jerk to his wife he had the best idea of how to get the cheese down the hill.”)

Teams complete the fun in the following order:

1- Margie/Luke
2- Tammy/Victor
3- Mark/Michael – (Toyouke: “The stuntmen are like dwarves. I imagine them with beards and hammers.” Kmanpat: “They give me more of a Mario Brothers vibe. I see mustaches and pipe wrenches.”)
4- Mel/Mike
5- Amanda/Kris
6- Steve/Linda
7- Brad/Victoria
8- Jaime/Cara
9- Kisha/Jen
10- Preston/Jennifer
11- Christie/Jodi

Teams must now get themselves to the PIT STOP, the last Postal Bus Stop in Stechelberg. Teams must follow the sound of the yodelers to find the mat. This is the first pit stop in a racearoundtheworld. The last team to arrive WILL be eliminated!

1- Margie/Luke – Phil uses ASL to tell Luke (and Margie), “You are Team number 1.” And they win a trip for 2 to Puerto Vallarta. Luke is beside himself.
2- Tammy/Victor
3- Mark/Michael
4- Mel/Mike
5- Amanda/Kris
6- Brad/Victoria – who have the only dirtless butts of the lot.
7- Jaime/Cara
8- Kisha/Jen
9- Steve/Linda – who get lost in the parking lot looking for the yodelers.
10- Christie/Jodi – who find the yodelers pretty quickly, faster than. . .
11- Preston/Jennifer

And Preston and Jennifer get eliminated. Oh well, they’ll have more fun at the villa in Thailand than on my TV screen.

ORDER NOW:
1st – Margie/Luke
2nd – Tammy/Victor
3rd – Mark/Michael
4th – Mel/Mike
5th – Amanda/Kris
6th – Brad/Victoria
7th – Jaime/Cara
8th – Kisha/Jen
9th – Steve/Linda
10th – Christie/Jodi

Next week: Off to Germany we go! Linda gets lost in the Alps. And Margie and Luke get pies in their faces, and they are none too happy about it. Until next time . . .