Top Chef:All Stars 3/19/20--"It's Like They Never Left" summary

Previously on “Top Chef”: It's all stars time! Some normalcy, which I think is very necessary. (click for more)

Oh, Jen Carroll is back. She's been back too many times. Opening montage. I'm glad to see Eric and Lee Anne but not Lisa. Also we're in LA, because no one will listen to my excellent idea to have this in St. Louis.

We start at the Griffiths Observatory lawn. Oh Gail's back too! Tom talks about people's awards and whatever. Nini is worried she's not up to par this season. Also Stephanie is back. You will remember Stephanie as the poor person who had to go home in New Orleans because Nick had the worst dish but refused to give up his immunity. Man, they got new chyrons and I don't like them. Tom gives people shit about everything.

Quickfire time. Mise en place race. Turn 3 artichokes. “Turn” here means clean and trim them. The fastest five chefs will make a team, and they can go into the kitchen and start making...something. Second round is to supreme 5 oranges, which is when you cut around the white part and make clean segments. Final round is to crack and shell 20 almonds. Same rules apply, the fastest 5 in a leg will be a team. After we find out the final round is cracking almonds, we have a lot of confessionals of people discussing nutcrackers or saying they have never cracked nuts or whatever. The main point of that is for you to realize Malarkey is back. The teams will use the ingredients to make two dishes. If you win, you get an advantage. Once the last team finishes the almonds and gets started, you will have 15 minutes.

So half the frantic working at the start is people getting knives out and stuff. Karen is here from the last California season. She's the one who always wanted to do Chinese food. She's been opening restaurants so she's been doing prep. Angelo is here, which is nice. I know he's a “villain”, but really I never saw him as evil. He was just not living in this universe. Kevin! I love Kevin, and sadly he's also battling cancer but he's here now. He says this is PFTS stuff. “I got People For That Shit.” Heh. Angelo finishes first, or at least thinks he is done first. But one of his artichokes fails entirely. Bryan Voltaggio has at least two false alarm checks. Lee Anne rolls her eyes at the “premature checks” from the boys. Also Bryan is the hotter Voltaggio don't @ me. Tom gives him shit, as does everyone else. Kevin actually finishes first, followed by Jamie. Not girl Jamie, who was on the last All Stars and failed at cooking chickpeas that time they were cooking on a tennis court. Boy Jamie from Charleston, who gave up his immunity and was eliminated. Hipster Joe, he of the mustache, is third, followed by Melissa (finalist in Boston; I think she was just really good and didn't win). Last on this team is actually Bryan. His team cheers for him and they all run away to a car.

Orange time. Angelo says he actually won this Quickfire on his season. His supremes are not good. Nini finishes this first. I really liked Nini, although at the moment I can't remember anything specific she did. No one wants to deal with almonds. Lisa finishes (boo) and then Stephanie. Y'all remember Lisa's poor attitude and general sourness from Chicago, when she made final three and then bitched at everyone because they didn't fawn over her, and then Blais said “Congrats you just came in third”. Karen, and then Malarkey. They're only 5 minutes behind the last team.

So that means the last team is Lee Anne, Eric, Jen, Gregory, and Angelo. Gregory was just a solid chef, and Eric was robbed, in my opinion. From what people are doing, they did not give anyone a nutcracker or any actual tools. Most people are using the backs of knives. We all know who is on this team, they're just trying to finish as fast as possible so that the other teams don't get an advantage. Jen promises not to fight with the judges this time around. When they finally finish, they're like 12 minutes behind team one, I think.

The first team arrives and starts cooking, and finding everything. They are actually making pasta, because I guess Hipster Joe thinks he can do it. When the second team arrives, everyone curses because it's only been like five minutes. Malarkey marvels at how nice the kitchen is now. The last team arrives and now everyone knows they have 15 minutes. Multiple people making artichoke tempura, so the fryers are all busy. The first team is still making pasta. But it was supposed to be tortelloni. Lee Anne is upset because her batter has sat around too long waiting on the fryers, so it's too thick. I think somehow the pasta was finished.

So for some reason we start with the second team? Artichoke tempura with citrus aioli. And crispy artichoke with mint vinaigrette. There's some oranges in the second dish. I'm not sure where the almonds are, but they could be anywhere. No one comments on anything. Then we go to the last team: artichoke crudo with carrot top and fennel gremolata, and almond crusted fried artichoke with orange aioli. Lee Anne admits she didn't have enough time in the fryer. The first team, who really in the end only had like, 12 minutes longer than the last team: char-grilled artichoke with sumac, yogurt, and tahini; and tortellono with artichoke barigoule in pancetta brodo. OK, Bravo, white text chyrons on a white background is pretty shitty and you know better. Barigoule is braised artichokes, and a brodo is a broth. If there's ever some word you don't know, or if you'd like me to explain more things as I recap, let me know. So many seasons of recapping this show means I have a skewed sense of what words people know.

Tom says nothing was bad, but there were issues. Lee Anne's tempura was bad, we knew, and the pasta was also bad. The other tempura, however, was perfect. And the grilled artichoke with yogurt was delicious. So in spite of poor pasta, the first team wins, which is hilarious because Bryan claims it's his first Quickfire win ever. Ever? Not even on Masters? Heh.

OK time for the Elimination Challenge. Some people bring out a huge table with seafood. You will work in teams to cook a seafood feast, but fire will be your only source of heat. I guess it's literally on the beach. No electricity or appliances. Malarkey claims to not even like electricity. The Quickfire advantage is that each person on the winning team is now a team captain and can pick out who to work with. Hmm. That's not bad. Five teams of three, but you will of course make three dishes (served family style). Padma name-drops a big list of celebrity chefs who will be there.

Teams shake out as follows: Bryan, Eric, and Lisa; Kevin, Jen, and Nini; Jamie, Gregory, and Stephanie; Hipster Joe, Lee Anne, and Malarkey; Melissa, Angelo, and Karen. Kevin says he picked Jen because she worked for Eric Ripert for years, so of course he's using her in a seafood challenge. Also Lisa was picked last. She of course interviews that she was a FINALIST and they don't know her. 2.5 hours to prep and cook tomorrow. Padma then tells everyone that the prize for this season is the largest ever at $250,000.

Everyone is supposed to take five minutes to plan before they mob the seafood table. Malarkey gets bossy immediately. I think Jamie says they're doing “Fiji-type food”? So they go together? As soon as the timer goes off there is a huge fight for seafood. Lisa claims to be more optimistic and not a bitch. They've got 10 more minutes to shop and gather ingredients. Hipster Joe wants to make a flatbread, but he's not 100% on what it's gonna be so he's grabbing everything.

The house they're staying in is of course amazing, with nice rooms stuffed with bunk beds. Like, they have a huge patio with multiple levels and...bunk beds. In the morning everyone gets up early. Angelo says he doesn't even recognize the person who competed before. He's inspired by his son. I don't think he's changed that much but sure, and that's not a slam. I always just felt he was off in his own world a lot.

So it's a firepit on the beach. Lee Anne reminds us she quit last time, because they made them cook outside in the snow and she got altitude sickness. The firepits are not very wide, and it's windy. Nini says Kevin has a beard so he looks like he can make a fire. I see. Stephanie thinks she's an underdog, because she's a private chef. Bryan reveals that when he jumped out of a plane on Masters, his brother was so jealous he immediately went toe the same spot and did the same thing. Of course he did. Lots of talk of layers of flavors and so forth. Malarkey is worried about Hipster Joe because he wants so many things on the flatbread, and that's why Malarkey got kicked off. Nini is planning to learn from everyone else and use it against them. Lee Anne put her fish straight on the grill, which is a poor move, and then in trying to get them unstuck she just straight up pours olive oil over the fish and directly into the fire. So now the fish is burnt and she doesn't have extra.

First up is Melissa, Karen, and Angelo. Melissa: grilled swordfish with hot and sour sauce, ember-grilled radicchio, fresno chiles. Karen: grilled scallops with gingered plums, nuoc cham and napa cabbage slaw. Angelo: west coast oyster with smoked bacon rice porridge. The scallop dish is light. Angelo kind of buried the oyster. Melissa's radicchio was delicious. It's mostly cohesive in terms of a meal.

Malarkey: sea urchin, spot prawns with hibiscus ponzu and burnt avocado. Hipster Joe: sesame and semolina flatbread with clams, fried garlic, sea urchin, pickled peppers, miso Parmesan aioli. Lee Anne: shoyu tare glazed halibut with charred sweet corn and cabbage, sea urchin, uni miso burre blanc. The sauces are thin, and now the flatbread is soggy. So much going on. Lee Anne's fish is muddy in addition to being burnt. Too many big mistakes.

Gregory: charred salmon with grilled peaches and roasted chili dressing. Jamie: steamed mussels with ember scalded cream (literally he put coals in the cream), toasted bread. Stephanie: brined prawn with charred tomato sauce and roasted corn dressing. This meal goes over very well. The mussels are a little dried out but the sauce is great. All the dishes went together.

Jen: spiced tuna loin over grilled kale with red pepper tahini sauce. Nini: grilled scallop, carrots, tomatoes, with charred Brussels sprout and fennel salad. Kevin: eye of swordfish braised in chorizo with coal roasted onion, olives, peas. Jen and Nini did a great job, but Kevin overcooked his fish and there are too many things going on. They're extra disappointed because it looked beautiful.

Lisa: charred shrimp and scallop ceviche with candied squash, mushrooms, avocado. Bryan: sablefish with corn porridge and charred leeks. Eric: Chesapeake boil with grilled prawn. These dishes are executed properly. Tom likes that Lisa didn't get weird with the ceviche. Some people don't like Bryan's dish a ton, but the other half of the table thinks this team is far more sophisticated.

Judges' Table. The judges are excited for the season. Jen's dish was delicious. They also liked that Melissa grilled a whole head of radicchio. Then Padma says the winning team is Stephanie, Jamie, and Gregory. Jamie's sauce was wonderful, but the mussels were a little dried out. Stephanie's dish made sense together, and Gregory cooked his salmon perfectly. The winner is Gregory. He seems a little shocked.

The losing team is Lee Anne, Hipster Joe, and Malarkey. Yeah. But before we get to them, Tom wants to yell at Angelo for not cooking his oyster, but then not keeping it cold either. Also Kevin for overcooking his fish. Malarkey made a beautiful dish, but the sauce was too thin. Then Lee Anne's dish had a thin sauce too, so when you put those two on a plate and then some flatbread, the flatbread gets soggy. Gail asks about the aioli on the flatbread, because there was a lot of it. Hipster Joe needed to edit. Lee Anne's sauce was heavy, and of course the burnt fish. I mean she's fully aware her dish wasn't good.

Malarkey didn't have any serious flaws, so they agree he can stay. The flatbread bread wasn't great, but then there was so much going on, and then the flavors weren't even there when you ate it. Lee Anne also made a bunch of heavy flavors, but she knew she screwed up on the grill. And she screwed up yesterday too. Poor Lee Anne.

Hipster Joe is the first one out. Too many ideas. But of course Last Chance Kitchen is here. I think he's trying to be proud of what he did? Being first out is not negative? I don't know. Then Padma says the next elimination challenge beings right now.

This season: all the shenanigans you would expect, lots of celebrity guest judges, finale in Italy. I assume, I have no idea when it was supposed to be filmed so I don't know if it even happened. Not as much fighting, although a little bit of bus throwing.

So this season, in addition to Last Chance Kitchen, Tom is going to do his own take on the Elimination challenges. So right now he's grilling oysters. Also there's some girl there “helping”. You can tell by how she's holding her knife in a dumb way. Also wine is involved. Sassy Tom that is on LCK is here, which is always fun, but this woman is trying very hard to be funny and entertaining and it's not working for me. The fire marshal takes the wood out of the pizza oven for the firepit. Tom says he makes this dish in his fireplace at home. I mean why can't drunk Tom just cook? Sandee Birdsong, from season 3, apparently works for them now. She runs in and eats an oyster on camera and then runs away. Also Tom points out this dish is great for a competition because it's quick and he can help out his team.