TAR18, Recap Leg 9, 4/25/11

Welcome to Leg 9! Last time, on The Hills Are Alive With the Sound of Racers, teams raced from India to Austria. The Cowboys managed to start in last place again, thanks to another bum flight, and the Goths bickered incessantly. And Gary and Mallory were in last but were saved by the final NEL. Who will be eliminated. . . next? (click for more)

Arrival at the pit stop last episode:
1st – Zev/Justin, Team Aspergers
2nd – Flight Time/Big Easy, The Globetrotters
3rd – Kent/Vyxsin, Team Goth
4th – Kisha/Jen, Team Bathroom
5th – Jet/Cord, The Cowboy Brothers
6th – Gary/Mallory , The Hillbillies

Villa Trapp, Salzberg, Austria

3:14 AM Zev/Justin (1st)
Clue: Travel by train to Feltkirch, Austria, and then cross the border at Schaanwald, Liechtenstein! Once there, find the clue.

3:25 AM Flight Time/Big Easy (2nd)
3:39 AM Kent/Vyxsin (3rd)
3:49 AM Kisha/Jen (4th)
3:50 AM Jet/Cord (5th)
4:36 AM Gary/Mallory (6th)

Teams arrive at the train station in the following order:

1- Zev/Justin
2- Flight Time/Big Easy
3- Kent/Vyxsin
4- Jet/Cord
5- Kisha/Jen
6- Gary/Mallory

All the teams end up on the same train to Feldkirsh. Once there, teams get their taxis in the following order:

1- Jet/Cord
2- Gary/Mallory – (Toyouke: “Uh oh...Gary is getting the "I'm enjoying my train ride because travel is wonderful" edit. A bad sign.”)
3- Flight Time/Big Easy
4- Kisha/Jen
5- Zev/Justin – whose taxi driver’s name is Tuni. Zev: “We’re good American people!” (Toyouke: “I would probably break traffic laws for Zev and Justin too.”)
6- Kent/Vyxsin

Teams take their taxis and arrive across the border in Schaanwald in the following order:

1- Zev/Justin
2- Flight Time/Big Easy
3- Kisha/Jen
4- Jet/Cord
5- Kent/Vyxsin
6- Gary/Mallory

However, once they arrive, Gary and Mallory find the Speed Bump.

SPEED BUMP:

A speed bump is a task that must be performed by the last place team on a non-elimination leg. Once they complete this task, they may return to the place where the speed bump occurred and continue the leg. In this speed bump, teams must measure out the proper amount of gasoline that it will take to fill a VéloSolex motor bike with petrol (2 litres) to get the 25 part gas to 1 part oil necessary. Once completed, they will receive their next clue.

(Toyouke: “This Speed Bump is HORRIBLE! Where's the sitting on ice?! Where's the running through fireworks?” Kmanpat: “What about the Saunabus?” Auburnium0513: “It's actually very lucky that the Speed Bump is so early in the leg...”)

Teams complete the Speed Bump in the following order:

1- Gary/Mallory

After much gas measuring, they continue with the rest of the teams in getting the clue in Liechtenstein.

Once they arrive, teams get the eighth roadblock clue.

ROADBLOCK:

Who’s ready to give a measured response?

In this roadblock, one team member must ride a VéloSolex motorbike the entire length of the country of Liechtenstein from Schaanwald to Balzers, a distance of 22 kilometers. Using a map and odometer, roadblockers must give six time Olympic skier Marco Büchel the correct distance to get their next clue. Otherwise, they must return to Schaanwald and start over.

(Toyouke: “I am super entertained by this Roadblock. Also, cute skiier.” Auburnium0513: “I love this task! I want to go to Lichtenstein...and Luxembourg...just so that I can have stamps in my passport from such tiny countries.”)

The following teammates take the Roadblock:

1- Justin
2- Flight Time
3- Jen
4- Jet – who is the only one who screws up and has to travel the whole distance three times.
5- Vyxsin
6- Gary - "It’s just like the Tour du France!” (Toyouke: “Hee!”)

After much bike riding, teams complete the Roadblock in the following order:

1- Zev/Justin
2- Kisha/Jen
3- Flight Time/Big Easy
4- Gary/Mallory
5- Kent/Vyxsin
6- Jet/Cord

The Roadblockers are directed by Marco Büchel to the Castle Gutenberg to meet their partners. They arrive in the following order:

1- Zev/Justin
2- Kisha/Jen
3- Gary/Mallory
4- Flight Time/Big Easy
5- Kent/Vyxsin
6- Jet/Cord

Teams are now instructed to take a bus and a train to Zermatt, Switzerland and to find the clue at the train station. Teams take buses to Sargons:

Bus 1
1) Zev/Justin
2) Kisha/Jen

Bus 2
1) Gary/Mallory
2) Flight Time/Big Easy

Bus 3
1) Kent/Vyxsin

Bus 4
1) Jet/Cord

Teams arrive in Sargons and board trains to Zermatt:

Train 1
1) Zev/Justin
2) Kisha/Jen

Train 2
1) Gary/Mallory
2) Flight Time/Big Easy
3) Kent/Vyxsin

Train 3
1) Jet/Cord

Teams arrive at the Zermatt Train Station and get their clue in the following order:

1- Zev/Justin
2- Kisha/Jen
3- Gary/Mallory
4- Flight Time/Big Easy
5- Kent/Vyxsin
6- Jet/Cord

And we get the Detour Clue.

DETOUR:
Cheese OR Wheeze
*Cheese: Teams travel to Restaurant Walliserkanne and eat a full pot of cheese fondue to get their next clue printed on the bottom of a clean fondue pot.
*Wheeze: Teams travel on foot to the porter at the train station and pick up 20 pieces of luggage to deliver to at least five hotels in Zermatt. Once all pieces are delivered and tags are returned to the train station, the porter will give teams their next clue.

(Toyouke: “Another eating challenge? Sigh.”)

1- Zev/Justin choose Cheese – who enjoy this thoroughly. (Toyouke: “Why do I find Zev and Justin so hilarious?”)
2- Kisha/Jen choose Cheese – who quickly realize that it’s not going to happen, and Bald Snark to Wheeze. (Auburnium0513: “Why would you quit? What is so hard about eating cheese fondue?”)
3- Gary/Mallory choose Wheeze
4- Flight Time/Big Easy choose Wheeze – who seem to lose bag tags. (Auburnium0513: “I am kind of sad that there wasn't a "Total bags 22 out of 20" for the Globetrotters...”)
5- Kent/Vyxsin choose Wheeze – (Auburnium0513: “SHUT UP KENT! Goodness, I really want them to be eliminated!”)
6- Jet/Cord choose Wheeze

Teams complete the detour in the following order:

1- Zev/Justin
2- Kisha/Jen
3- Kent/Vyxsin
4- Gary/Mallory
5- Flight Time/Big Easy
6- Jet/Cord

Teams are now instructed to find the Inderbinen Brunnen Fountain.

CAUTION: DOUBLE U-TURN AHEAD

This is a Double U-Turn. Teams may choose to u-turn any team they wish (well, the team has to be behind them), but they may only use the U-Turn once during the race. If a team is u-turned, they must go back to the Detour choices and complete the Detour that they did not complete. This U-Turn is doubled, meaning two teams may U-Turn two other teams. This is the second double U-Turn of the Race.

1-Zev/Justin choose not to U-Turn
2-Kisha/Jen choose not to U-Turn
3-Kent/Vyxsin cannot U-Turn – because they used it earlier in the race.
4-Gary/Mallory choose not to U-Turn
5- Flight Time/Big Easy choose to U-Turn Jet/Cord – (Toyouke: “I mean, I like the Globetrotters, and this is exactly how one should use the U-Turn to save yourselves, but it makes me very sad.”)
6-Jet/Cord have been U-Turned

So, the Cowboys head back to Cheese and complete the other Detour.

Teams get their clue and find that they must now take an electric taxi to Moos Restaurant, the PIT STOP of the ninth leg of this racearoundtheworld. The last team to arrive MAY be eliminated!

1- Zev/Justin – who win a trip for two to Curaçao, the only country in the world named for a liquor. And Zev has the fondue pot on his head. (Toyouke: “See? Zev is wearing the pot on his head, working the word "fondue" into as many sentences as he can, and it's hysterical instead of super annoying.”)
2- Kisha/Jen – (Toyouke: “I am glad that they are checking to make sure they are using the appropriate method of transportation to get to the Pit Stop.”)
3- Kent/Vyxsin
4- Gary/Mallory – (Toyouke: “AND I love Mallory! I must be a crazy person.”)
5- Flight Time/Big Easy
6- Jet/Cord

And Jet and Cord are eliminated. Aw! No more cowboy brothers. Cord: “They hit the nail on the head when they said this race was amazing.” And they ride off into the sunset, with the TAR Cowboy music playing.

ORDER NOW:
1st – Zev/Justin
2nd – Kisha/Jen
3rd – Kent/Vyxsin
4th – Gary/Mallory
5th – Flight Time/Big Easy

Next week: To the Matterhorn we go! And the Travelocity Gnome makes a chocolaty appearance. Until next time!

Clicky clicky

TAR18, Recap Leg 8, 4/17/11

Welcome to Leg 8! Last time, on Fun In and About the Ganges, teams continued their way through India. The Cowboys find their way onto a flight by themselves, which happens to be the last flight to arrive. But, with Ron struggling, and Zev having issues with the environment, the Cowboys catch up, helping to eliminate Ron and Christina. Who will be eliminated. . . next? (click for more)

Arrival at the pit stop last episode:
1st – Flight Time/Big Easy, The Globetrotters
2nd – Zev/Justin, Team Aspergers
3rd – Kisha/Jen, Team Bathroom
4th – Gary/Mallory , The Hillbillies
5th – Jet/Cord, The Cowboy Brothers
6th – Kent/Vyxsin, Team Goth

Ramnagar Fort, Varanasi, India

2:07 AM Flight Time/Big Easy (1st)
Clue: Fly to Vienna, Austria! Once there, go to the parking garage and find a marked 2012 Ford Focus to get your next clue. To purchase tickets, you must go to one of the listed travel agents.

(Auburnium0513: “A 2012 model year car? Already?! 2011 isn't even half over yet!”)

2:12 AM Zev/Justin (2nd)
2:53 AM Kisha/Jen (3rd)
3:30 AM Gary/Mallory (4th)
3: 35 AM Jet/Cord (5th)
3:44 AM Kent/Vyxsin (6th)

Teams travel to their respective travel agents and arrive in the following order:

1- Flight Time/Big Easy
2- Zev/Justin
3- Kisha/Jen
4- Gary/Mallory
5- Jet/Cord
6- Kent/Vyxsin

Teams get flights. Most of the teams discover the Varanasi – Dehli – Mumbai – Vienna flight that arrives at 5:35 AM. However, Jet and Cord opt for the Varanasi – Dehli – Vienna flight that arrives at 6 pm. (Toyouke: “Hmmm....at first I thought the Cowboys were going to do a stupid thing again, but at least this time they have a reason for being behind. And the connection thing is a good point.” Auburnium0513: “I like the thought process of the cowboys, slightly later flight, but 1 fewer connection. I think it's a wise decision.”) And although less layovers is generally a good thing, I’m not sure it’s the smartest idea in this situation. I mean, RACE!

Teams arrive at the airport in the following order:

1- Gary/Mallory
2- Zev/Justin
3- Flight Time/Big Easy
4- Kent/Vyxsin
5- Kisha/Jen
6- Jet/Cord

The Amazing Green Line takes most of our teams on their longer route and the Amazing Red Line takes Jet and Cord and then flies to and arrives in Vienna in the following order:

1- Kent/Vyxsin
2- Zev/Justin
3- Kisha/Jen
4- Gary/Mallory
5- Flight Time/Big Easy
6- Jet/Cord

Teams get in the car and receive a video clue from Phil to put their car in reverse and activate the back up camera to read the next clue. (Toyouke: “LAME. Product placement. Plus, you could just GET OUT OF THE CAR AND LOOK.” Kmanpat: “Which is totally what I would have done.”) The letters on the ground spell “Schloss Schallaburg”, which is the teams next destination. Teams depart in the following order:

1- Zev/Justin
2- Kent/Vyxsin
3- Kisha/Jen
4- Flight Time/Big Easy
5- Gary/Mallory – who have a rough time. (Toyouke: “How do you miss the part that says "Put the car in reverse"?”)
6- Jet/Cord

Teams now drive themselves (Auburnium0513: “Why aren't the teams using the in-car navigation system??”) and arrive at Schloss Schallaburg in the following order:

1- Zev/Justin
2- Kisha/Jen
3- Kent/Vyxsin
4- Flight Time/Big Easy
5- Gary/Mallory
6- Jet/Cord

When they arrive, teams must walk through the castle and find the attendant that hands them a book. Inside the book reads: "Librarian Prunksaal / Österreichische Nationalbibliothek", which directs teams to the National Library back in Vienna. Teams get their books in the following order:

1- Zev/Justin
2- Kisha/Jen
3- Kent/Vyxsin
4- Flight Time/Big Easy
5- Gary/Mallory
6- Jet/Cord

Teams now drive themselves to the National Library (Toyouke: “That's a pretty awesome library.”), find the proctor and get their next clue in the following order:

1- Zev/Justin
2- Kisha/Jen
3- Gary/Mallory
4- Flight Time/Big Easy – and Flight Time decides to pee. (Toyouke: “Peeing on a building. Nice.”)
5- Kent/Vyxsin
6- Jet/Cord - Cord - "We'll just kick ass on tasks to make up for our poor airline decisions." (Toyouke: “That is not a valid Race strategy. Even if it seems to work every damn time.”)

And we get the Detour Clue.

DETOUR:
Long Hard Walk OR Quick and Easy Meal
*Long Hard Walk: Teams make their way to the Freud Museum and pick up a psychoanalyst’s couch. Teams must then carry it one mile to the University of Vienna and drop it off to get their next clue.
*Quick and Easy Meal: Teams make their way to Wiener Riesenrad and pick up two meals of schnitzel and chocolate torte. Teams then board a dining car and finish both meals in 12 minutes or less to get their next clue.

(Auburnium0513: “Too bad Ron isn't still in the race, he'd be all over "Quick and Easy Meal."”)

1- Kisha/Jen choose Quick and Easy Meal – who go around, are unable to finish, and Bald Snark to Long Hard Walk. (Auburnium0513: “This is not the time for good manners, don't waste time with the knife and fork, use your fingers!”)
2- Zev/Justin choose Quick and Easy Meal – who go around, are unable to finish, and Bald Snark to Long Hard Walk.
3- Gary/Mallory choose Quick and Easy Meal – who go around, are unable to finish (but Gary comes close), and Bald Snark to Long Hard Walk.
4- Flight Time/Big Easy choose Long Hard Walk – (Auburnium0513: “Oh, Globetrotters, you make me sad. You don't know who Freud is? Aww...”)
5- Kent/Vyxsin choose Long Hard Walk
6- Jet/Cord choose Long Hard Walk

Teams complete the detour in the following order:

1- Flight Time/Big Easy
2- Kent/Vyxsin – Vyxsin: "I just need you to quit acting like a chick.” (Toyouke: “What? Shut up, Vyxsin.” Auburnium0513: “Do the Goths not see the dolly?”)
3- Kisha/Jen
4- Jet/Cord
5- Zev/Justin
6- Gary/Mallory

Teams are now instructed to drive themselves to Salzburg and find the Sternbräu Restaurant to get their next clue. Teams arrive in the following order:

1- Flight Time/Big Easy
2- Zev/Justin
3- Kisha/Jen
4- Kent/Vyxsin – (Toyouke: “Vyxsin, I don't think saying "I'm never speaking to you again if we lose" is going to be a threat at the moment.” Auburnium0513: “I really want the Goths to get eliminated, I can't stand them any longer.”)
5- Jet/Cord
6- Gary/Mallory

Once they arrive, teams get the seventh roadblock clue.

ROADBLOCK:

Who’s feeling as lucky as can be?

In this roadblock, one team member must don a chimney sweep outfit, climb a ladder and clean out a chimney using a weighted cleaning tool to clean the chimney. Then, roadblockers open the cleanout door to pull out the next clue.

(Toyouke: “This Roadblock doesn't seem terribly complicated.” Auburnium0513: “How do you know when you're done? Will the sweep tell you? I certainly wouldn't know if I was done on my own.”)

The following teammates take the Roadblock:

1- Big Easy
2- Zev
3- Kisha
4- Vyxsin
5- Cord
6- Gary

After much cleaning, teams complete the Roadblock in the following order:

1- Flight Time/Big Easy
2- Zev/Justin
3- Kisha/Jen
4- Kent/Vyxsin
5- Jet/Cord
6- Gary/Mallory

Teams get their clue and find that they must now make their way to Villa Trapp, the PIT STOP of the eighth leg of this racearoundtheworld. The last team to arrive MAY be eliminated!

(Auburnium0513: “Oh man, I'd have to start singing show tunes at this pit stop! First chimney sweeps with a Mary Poppins reference in the clue, and then the Von Trapp home? Show tunes, baby!” Kmanpat: “Sweet!” Toyouke: “Don’t even think about it.”)

1- Zev/Justin – who each win a 2012 Ford Focus.
2- Flight Time/Big Easy
3- Kent/Vyxsin
4- Kisha/Jen
5- Jet/Cord
6- Gary/Mallory

And Gary and Mallory are . . . not eliminated. Which makes this the third non-elimination leg. However, this time, there is a Speed Bump on the next leg that they must complete. I’m not horribly worried.

ORDER NOW:
1st – Zev/Justin
2nd – Flight Time/Big Easy
3rd – Kent/Vyxsin
4th – Kisha/Jen
5th – Jet/Cord
6th – Gary/Mallory

Next week: We trek across Europe, and Gary and Mallory fight for their standing. There’s biking through Liechtenstein, and a fondue eating challenge. Thank you, voice over guy who is not Phil. Until next time!

Clicky clicky

TAR18, Recap Leg 7, 4/10/11

Welcome to Leg 7! Last time, on Kolkata Out, Folks!, teams competed in a Snapple sponsored tea tasting. Luke got frustrated and very behind, which forced his and Margie’s elimination. And that’s about it. Who will be eliminated. . . next? (click for more)

Arrival at the pit stop last episode:
1st – Gary/Mallory , The Hillbillies
2nd – Jet/Cord, The Cowboy Brothers
3rd – Ron/Christina, Team Asian
4th – Zev/Justin, Team Aspergers
5th – Kent/Vyxsin, Team Goth
6th – Kisha/Jen, Team Bathroom
7th – Flight Time/Big Easy, The Globetrotters

Fountain of Joy, Victoria Memorial, Kolkata, India

Gary/Mallory (1st)
Clue: Fly to the city of Varanasi on the Ganges River. Once there, make your way to the Tonga Stand. You have $80 for this leg of the race.

Jet/Cord (2nd)
Ron/Christina (3rd)
Zev/Justin (4th)
Kent/Vyxsin (5th) – who stop at a travel agent, even though it’s a domestic flight. (Auburnium0513: “What is with the skinny shiny headbands?”)
Zev/Justin (6th)
Flight Time/Big Easy (7th)

Teams arrive at the airport in the following order:

1- Gary/Mallory
2- Ron/Christina – who have some time after getting tickets, so they grab food. (Toyouke: “Ron, seriously. Always eating.”)
3- Zev/Justin
4- Kisha/Jen
5- Jet/Cord
6- Kent/Vyxsin
7- Flight Time/Big Easy

When the Hillbillies arrive, they go to the Kingfisher counter and find the earliest flight to Varanasi gets them in at 10:45 AM. So, logically, if there’s enough tickets on the flight, everyone should be on it. Unfortunately, the cowboys decide that they should trust everyone and get a Jet Airways flight that arrives at 11:45 AM. (Toyouke: “Auburnium0513 said she didn't like the drumroll after the cowboys' comments, and she was right.”) This they don’t discover until the Amazing Red Line plops them all in Dehli. The Amazing Red Line then flies to and arrives in Varanasi in the following order:

1- Zev/Justin
2- Ron/Christina
3- Kisha/Jen
4- Kent/Vyxsin
5- Gary/Mallory – and Mallory wonders what happened to the cowboys. (Toyouke: “When MALLORY wonders what you did wrong, then you REALLY screwed up.”)
6- Flight Time/Big Easy
7- Jet/Cord

They take taxis and arrive at the Tonga Stand in the following order:

1- Kent/Vyxsin
2- Flight Time/Big Easy
3- Kisha/Jen
4- Gary/Mallory
5- Ron/Christina
6- Zev/Justin
7- Jet/Cord

Once they arrive, teams get the sixth roadblock clue.

ROADBLOCK:

Who’s ready to search for the meaning of life?

In this roadblock, one team member must use a set of pictures to find six sahus, or holy men, who will each give roadblockers part of a clue. Once they have all six pieces, they must find a seventh sadhu and arrange the clues into the meaning of life: “Once you’re over the hill, you pick up speed.” The seventh sadhu would then present them with their next clue.

(Toyouke: “A "Where's Waldo?" task. Interesting.”)

The following teammates take the Roadblock:

1- Kent
2- Big Easy
3- Jen
4- Gary
5- Ron
6- Justin
7- Cord

After much searching, teams complete the Roadblock in the following order:

1- Kisha/Jen
2- Zev/Justin
3- Flight Time/Big Easy
4- Kent/Vyxsin
5- Gary/Mallory
6- Jet/Cord
7- Ron/Christina

Teams are now instructed to make their way to Tulsi Ghat and find the Swaminath Akhara. There, teams will find a strongman to give them their next clue. (Toyouke: “I'd be excited about wrestling, except for that "boxing" challenge last season. Lame.“) Teams arrive in the following order:

1- Zev/Justin
2- Flight Time/Big Easy
3- Kisha/Jen
4- Kent/Vyxsin
5- Gary/Mallory
6- Jet/Cord
7- Ron/Christina

And we get the Detour Clue.

DETOUR:
Feed the Fire OR Feed the Buffalo
*Feed the Fire: Teams make their way to Sakka Ghat and find the milkman. Once there, they make fifty patties of traditional fuel made of buffalo manure. These must be slapped on the wall for drying. Once complete, teams use dry patties to light a stove to boil milk and get their next clue.
*Feed the Buffalo: Teams make their way across the Ganges to pick up two bundles of hay, and then return to Ksameshwar Ghat and deliver them to the address on the bundles. Once delivered, teams get their next clue.

(Toyouke: “Why is "Feed the Fire" so much longer and more involved than "Feed the Buffalo"?”)

1- Zev/Justin choose Feed the Buffalo
2- Flight Time/Big Easy choose Feed the Buffalo
3- Kisha/Jen choose Feed the Fire – (Toyouke: “Heh. Children are laughing at you.” Auburnium0513: “At least they gave them gloves.”)
4- Kent/Vyxsin choose Feed the Fire
5- Gary/Mallory choose Feed the Fire – and Mallory is coincidentally wearing the same outfit that she had on the last time she played in manure. (Toyouke: “Mallory! Why did you keep that outfit in the first place?”)
6- Jet/Cord choose Feed the Buffalo
7- Ron/Christina choose Feed the Buffalo


Teams complete the detour in the following order:

1- Zev/Justin
2- Flight Time/Big Easy
3- Kisha/Jen
4- Kent/Vyxsin
5- Gary/Mallory
6- Jet/Cord – (Toyouke: “I guess being good at tasks can make up for being stupid at travel decisions.“)
7- Ron/Christina

Teams get their clue and find that they must now make their way to Ramnagar Fort, the PIT STOP of the seventh leg of this racearoundtheworld. The last team to arrive MAY be eliminated!

1- Flight Time/Big Easy – who win a trip to Hawaii. (Toyouke: “The Globetrotters seem underwhelmed at a trip to Hawaii.”)
2- Zev/Justin
3- Kisha/Jen
4- Gary/Mallory
5- Jet/Cord
6- Kent/Vyxsin
7- Ron/Christina

And Ron and Christina are eliminated. But Ron is happy that he got to come back!

ORDER NOW:
1st – Flight Time/Big Easy
2nd – Zev/Justin
3rd – Kisha/Jen
4th – Gary/Mallory
5th – Jet/Cord
6th – Kent/Vyxsin

Next week: Vienna! Gary and Mallory tackle an eating challenge. And the Goths blow up at each other. Again. Until next time! Clicky clicky

Top Chef:All Stars 4/6/11--"Reunion Special" summary

Is Andy Cohen hosting this too? I mean, they already let him have half an hour right after the finale. So he gets another hour? Can’t Padma and Tom host? (click for more)

Padma, Tom, and Gail apparently are not as qualified to host the reunion special as Andy Cohen. We congratulate Richard, and then Andy asks him if he wishes he’d won his season, or if it was sweeter to come back and win. Mike interrupts to say he wishes Richard had won Season 4. Shut up, Mike. You’ll get your chance to pretend to be a gracious loser in a minute. Richard tells us he thinks he learned a lot about himself by not winning back in his season. Tom says it came down to what moved each judge. Gail goes on about Mike’s pepperoni sauce.

Montage of Richard. He says when he lost the first time, he thought about not cooking again. They’ve had some deaths in the family, so it’s been rough. Aww. He’s gotten over being creative just to be creative and do crazy things. They show the interview where Mike says he’ll punch Richard in the face. Mike laughs. Yeah. You know where they have the insets of the reunion show? They show the moment where he won, and then an inset shot of Mike looking pissed. He also says it’s about his wife and family, and that his wife is the only thing he’s ever won up until then. Aww! And hee! He’s still kind of choked up, and Gail jokes that he might be easier on himself, now, maybe. Fabio is like, “He won and he still freak out! Jesus Christ!” I love Fabio. Richard also tells us that he has a new daughter. Andy also reminds us that Richard promised Mike some money if he won. Oh yeah, he did. Richard says they’re going to talk about it, he might invest in Mike.

Now let’s talk to Mike! He says he “went the distance” and it was an honor. Tom thinks Mike won more than anyone else, especially when you take into account things like how Mike never cooked Italian food before the Ellis Island episode, and now he’s gotten that back. Andy makes Antonia talk about how she lost on an amuse bouche, and she says that was easier because everyone was nitpicking. Montage of Mike being gross and Antonia being disgusted, and then they discovered they were related.
Montage of Jen and how everyone respected her and then how in the second episode she went off on the judges and argued with them about everything. And then she was eliminated and everyone freaked out, and she left the room and forgot to turn her mike off and let loose with a string of profanity. She tells Andy she was disappointed in herself, and Gail admits she was shocked it took so long for anyone to go off on the judges.

Pretend viewer questions! OK, I know these are probably real people. But they always seem to ask the same questions and it’s just as likely the producers wrote questions they felt would cause the most drama. First question: did the guys have stylists or are tight T-shirts and hair gel their own idea? Then he makes fun of Angelo. Montage. There are clips from the shots in the intro, which are cut together to make Angelo look like a cologne model or something. That’s kind of funny, actually. Tre says he cooks in $300 pants. Really? He walks around in the house in tight lavender pants, which he looks very good in, to be fair. Dale tells him he looks like he has an avocado in his pants, and Angelo says they’re Padma’s pants. Hee. Mike says to Fabio that Angelo tells people he has an avocado in his pants, and Fabio laughs and says “More like walnuts, Mike.” Ha! Dale says he feels uglier around Angelo. OK, that was hilarious.

Viewer question! Gail, would you rather go on a date with Angelo, Fabio, or Spike. Duh, Fabio. Gail says she and Spike have “a Canadian connection” and then there’s a shot of some guy…oh, damn, that’s Spike. I didn’t recognize him without any hat whatsoever. Then she very carefully reminds everyone she’s married. Padma gets the same question, and she says, “Elia, or Casey.” Oh, now you’ve opened a can of worms. “Or I could motorboat Antonia.” WTF!?! “I just learned that word!” Is she high?

Montage of Jamie. She figures out it’s about her when Andy says it’s about a chef whose “heart wasn’t in the game”. God, then we have to bring up again about how she went to get stitches. Look, I understand that she only got two stitches. But you can’t tell a grown woman she can’t go get stitches if she wants to. It’s her decision. And then they show the tennis match thing, where she never finished cooking her chickpeas and then she wouldn’t go first or whatever. And as I read on another site, and totally agree with, if you were so dead-set on your stupid strategery, you could have just yelled her name when asked and threw her under the bus that way. Plenty of interview clips of people making fun of her. A viewer asks if Jamie feels bad after watching everyone else not getting stitches. Jamie rolls her eyes and she says she stopped watching the show so she has no idea. She gets really defensive, and I think sort of tries to drag Fabio into it, but not really, and bottom line, this is stupid. Tom points out that for all of them to be satisfied she was really hurt, she probably would have had to come back without her thumb. True that.
Tiffani admits she was a total bitch her season and “wrote the manual” on how not to do this show. She is also glad she didn’t win because it would have validated her bullshit. She wanted to compete but not become that person. Someone asks all of them if they’d come back a third time. Richard, Jen…a lot of people. Mike says it would depend on who was competing, because he would rather do Masters. Please.

So, apparently, Xbox Video Connect is a thing where you can have people join you in a videoconference via Xbox, I guess. Curtis Stone shows up and asks them who they would send up to Top Chef Masters. Jen would go herself, DaleT says they should send Richard obviously, and Spike tells Tiffani he’d send her and then when called on he says he’d send Marcel.
Montage of Fabio and Richard, and Angelo and Mike, having bromances. I know Fabio and Richard had a thing, but Angelo and Mike? Do I need porn music for this montage? No. No I do not. Do I need to watch Mike spank Angelo? Andy, no one wants to watch whatever footage you’ve found to watch late at night in bed. Fabio says he and Richard’s wife have an agreement.
Viewer question: is Antonia really the Black Hammer? Montage of Antonia’s teammates falling one by one. Seriously, it’s like…every time. Creepy. They argue over whether or not Antonia has a curse, and if it extends to her roommates. Hee. Another question: DaleT, does your girlfriend have the ring you said she deserves? DaleT is like, where’s my money bitches? He has everything picked out but Bravo hasn’t sent the check. Hee. Andy then says that apparently 97% of female viewers want to know if Fabio has a girlfriend. First of all, it can’t be that high unless you are lumping gay men in there too. And secondly, Fabio says he does but his private life is private. Montage of Fabio being Italian and telling crazy stories and charming women. And trying to pronounce words. Nothing beats “monkey ass in clam shell” though. Fabio insists to Andy that all his stories are true. Jen doesn’t believe Fabio walks his turtle. She’s kind of belligerent. Also everyone wants him to say “burger” because he sort of says “booger”.

Kids being healthy, for some reason this question goes to Antonia. What is the difference between cooking for adults and children? She goes off on a tangent about how she hates when a restaurant has a kids’ menu because it’s condescending and it says kids are stupid. Montage of outtakes from the Muppets. Hilarious. You have to remember there are adults under there saying things and making fun of Padma and probably looking up her skirt. Richard says when his daughter saw how Elmo said “hi Riley, Elmo loves you” she loved it. Montage of the museum challenge, and how some chefs were like “I don’t like kids…shhhh.” Padma tries to shush them, which doesn’t work, and Dale interviews that Padma probably just saw the next 10 years of her life flash before her eyes. Heh.

Commercial interlude: OK, so now we’re making a music video of Marcel being an asshat? With autotune? This autotune sucks ass. SUCKS. ASS. Don’t think I don’t know good autotune. Don’t clap! Jesus!

Now we have to bring up how Mike stole a dish from Richard that time. Oh, yeah, you can’t steal ideas or whatever. He totally did it and then was an asshat about it. Mike says everything has been done before somewhere, so that absolves him of blame. Richard says it was probably best labeled as “inappropriate”. He also admits that he wouldn’t have made it the same.

Montage of Judges’ Table outtakes. Lots of cursing. Tony says he’s an “egg whore”. Even Paula Deen curses! Wow. Someone calls Padma on being super upset when Tre was eliminated. She says she has a “sweet spot” for Tre but she hates eliminating anyone. The judges’ tell their favorite dishes: Padma liked DaleT’s egg dumpling at Wylie Dufresne’s; Tom loved Carla’s chicken pot pie she made for Jimmy Fallon, hamachi sweetbread from Richard, and Mike’s conch/fish dish on the beach. Tom wasn’t nervous to cook in front of the chefs, but he was nervous to cook in front of the cameras.

Oh, now we’re going to get into what Elia said about Tom after she got eliminated. I almost forgot about this. She said that he was a sellout and was not all about the food, not supporting farmer’s markets, not using grass-fed beef. She says she went to Craft in Vegas and they told her they only had corn-fed beef. After he published his reaction to what she said, she claims she went back and there still wasn’t any grass-fed beef. She also admits she called him a sellout, and she tries to get out of talking about it but Andy is insistent. She says she doesn’t believe in his selling Diet Coke because it has “bad stuff” in it, and that chefs of his caliber shouldn’t sell it, or drink it, or something. DaleL starts to stand up for…someone…and says it’s tough to know where to draw the line when you’re looking at endorsements. Tom is like, I drink Diet Coke and I sell it, so there’s no line. He says he buys food from small farmers, and he never said anything bad about what Elia said. She tells him she’s admired Tom since she moved to the U.S., but she saw the animals that were brought into his restaurant. He stops her and asks her if she actually went back into the kitchen. She says she did, but Tom clarifies and she says, “Into your kitchen? No.” Then whose kitchen is she talking about? Tom tells her that she really didn’t see animals being broken down, then. Spike is making finger guns and rolling his head around like he’s super bored. The argument continues, and basically, Tom is trying to get a name out of Elia but she doesn’t remember who she talked to. The other chefs are tired of hearing about it and start a shouting match about how they should drop it. Tom finally just flat out tells her she’s wrong, they’ve always served corn-fed beef, and grass-fed beef too. Elia’s argument is that he’s so successful, and such a great businessman, he should only buy grass-fed animals. How is that relevant? Tom says you can’t have a steakhouse and only serve grass-fed beef, and then he’s like, “I understand you were the first person to go, and it was hard, but it wasn’t personal, and there are 3 other people on the panel and the decision was unanimous”. Oh, good point. What about Gail and Padma? DaleL says something about questioning integrity throughout careers or something. Tom tells everyone that he’s eaten at some of their restaurants, outside of the show, and he feels it’s off limits to comment on it. Then he reminds everyone to be careful what they say in the press. Yeah…I think Tom won that. Andy asks Elia if she regrets what she said, and Padma tells her she doesn’t have to comment, but Elia says no, she stands by what she said. Oo.

Montage of judges, especially Tony. Because Tony Bourdain is great for soundbites. They say lots of mean things. Padma doesn’t think they were harder on these chefs, just that it depends on what else is on the table. One more viewer question: why doesn’t Carla say “Hootie Hoo!” anymore? Yeah! I missed that. While she saw her husband on Ellis Island, they were together, and “hootie hoo” is for when they can’t find each other. Montage of Carla being crazy. So much fun.

It’s over! Everyone gets fleeces! Congrats to Richard, and bye Andy Cohen! Clicky clicky