Previously on “Joe Schmo”: the writers decided we needed a challenge that Ben would win. “But wait!” you say. “Didn't they do that last week?” They did. But he bombed that so they tried again, but this time with a physical challenge. Ben finally won, and then they knew he'd get Trevor and Chastity to be nominated, so they got Trevor to be as much of a dick as possible. I was skeptical that this would work, because Ben has shown he votes strategically and not just for people who bother him. But it did and Trevor was sent home. (click for more)
We see a clip from last week's elimination that I do not remember, which is Ben telling Trevor that not bowing to “my” goat is unacceptable. You'll recall when they had that dumb challenge by the pool, where you were supposed to bow and smash your head into a stand, Trevor refused to bow to false idols or whatever. At the time, Ben just said that was what made Trevor a weak competitor and therefore less of a threat than his sister. He'd have been happy either way with Trevor or Chastity, but Cat tells us he might regret his decision. Also Cat told everyone of a “special guest”, the supposed creator of this fake show.
Ben hangs out with Maya and Jessica and I guess gets his nails done. He's thrilled to be rid of Trevor. Things are going great, so it's time for an “emotional rollercoaster”. We discover at a producer meeting that the plan is for Ben to be eliminated. See I'd be shocked, but you did that in season 2 so I know it's all a plan for there to be a wild twist and he's not really eliminated. They want to let it be as emotional as possible. Ben has suspected this whole time something is up. I believe it's because the writers did a terrible job of writing for someone who's grown up with reality television. Anyway, both having him win and get to eliminate someone yesterday, and then eliminating him today, are part of the plan to calm his doubts. I'm serious though, season two they got rid of Tim and had him doing exit interviews and everything, and then brought him back.
Danielle asks about the creator of this show, “Mr. Danish”. Maya says she doesn't really know anything, not even if he speaks English. I thought the idea was everyone was obsessed with this fake show? None of them were told to spread a fake story? Danielle comes up with “sometimes he wears a mask”. Very secretive and grumpy “mad scientist magician”. Sigh. Oh I spoke too soon. The fake story is that he got dumped in the woods as a baby and was raised by goats. Perfect. They at least got a Korean man, and a Korean woman to play his translator. She is busy telling the producers that she has to know what the prompts are too, because she's got to tell everyone the correct lines. Dr. Grace has to buffer some of Mr. Danish's weirdness.
Chastity announces she wants a makeover. Jessica decides Chastity was asking her specifically, and says she's not working with much but they'll get it there. One of the fake producers comes in and says that Mr. Danish wants to meet the Goatkeeper, so everyone is super jealous of Ben. He says he just knew Mr. Danish would want to meet him. Maya tells him to be honest. Maybe he can find out some secrets.
Ben drags Elijah to a tent with some chairs, and then Dr. Grace comes out. She just sits down and when Ben says hi she just blankly stares at him. Cat voiceovers that she's got very important information for later. Mr. Danish isn't wearing a mask, and “doesn't shake hands”, and basically just looks like any vaguely rich douchebag. I was hoping for someone more mysterious, or at least weirder. He says something (I was hoping for an actual attempt at language but he just mumbles) and Dr. Grace tells Ben to be careful touching Elijah's chin. Whatever. “Handle Elijah with love, but not romantic love.” Ben looks confused while the crew laughs at him in the control room.
So Dr. Grace is just reading questions off an iPad. I feel like they should have set it up like Mr. Danish was actually saying stuff. Right? Like, agree on the questions ahead of time, but act like he's actually asking. She's clearly reading off the screen. Anyway, she asks which of the seven strategies Ben is using to win. He has no idea what those are, and he's honest that he doesn't know anything about the show. She says nothing, but Mr. Danish replies and she says “He asks if you're joking”. So are we playing like he understands English but doesn't speak it? Because she's not translating. This is dumb. They should both be speaking whatever fake language. OK now she talks back to him. Ben, are you the fighter, the thinker, or the foot doctor? Ben doesn't know what they mean by “foot doctor”. The archetypes of the game, except she asked about seven strategies and not three archetypes. Ben believes these questions were designed to make him think and are cryptic on purpose. And he's not good at puzzles. At least he knows he should be the fighter. “Mr. Danish wants to know if you love him.” Mr. Danish nods vigorously. Ben pauses for a long time, then says “I don't know him.” Do you love this game? Yes, it's the best experience of Ben's life. He asks again if Ben loves him. Did they screw that up? In the sense that Ben wouldn't be here right now if Mr. Danish hadn't invented this game, then yes. Now Dr. Grace says that's weird because he's a married man. But he's impressed by your muscles. So he's just thirsty?
I feel like they're not doing a good enough job making this guy weird. Like he's clearly not “normal”, but it's also a lazy and obvious effort at mind games. This whole scene is cringe. The producers say over the radio (to who? It's not clear) that Mr. Danish has to say that the soul of the game is sacrifice. Dr. Grace says Mr. Danish has a reward for Ben: the game is not what you think. Sacrifice is beautiful, but to be a true champion, you must be prepared to sacrifice yourself. Oh, so they think they're going to convince Ben to quit? Volunteer to be eliminated to save someone else? Ben claims he has taken that into consideration already. In confessional the producers ask Ben what sacrifice means to him, and he says it means to put others before yourself. Maybe put the goat before yourself? He says some of the stuff he's been told is “jibber-jabber nonsense” but it might haunt him for months.
Out at the pool Braxton and Maya try to get Ben to give them the scoop but he refuses to tell them. He says he's not allowed to talk about it. Inside the house, Chastity says she and Braxton are getting closer and she's going to turn it up so hardcore. Time for Olivia Newton-John at the end of “Grease”. Heh. The basic plan is for Braxton to have the Horns, and have to choose between Chastity and Ben. So Ben would sacrifice himself for new love or something? I don't know if he would, but clearly no one would be shocked to see Braxton choose to get rid of Ben in that situation so I don't think that outcome depends on Ben.
Chastity comes out with makeup and her hair blown out. Maya loves it. Ben calls her a “temptress”. Listen, she looks good, but I feel like having her come out in the plain white T-shirt and track pants everyone else is wearing was a missed opportunity. Surely she can borrow a bikini. Jessica says she's a better person now, you're all welcome. Chastity does a weird like, being sexy taking off socks and sliding up and down the wall thing. She does have a two piece suit underneath her clothes. Braxton says all he has to do is flirt, so he's like, holding her up facing him while he does squats. Ha! Ben is now cringing. It's weird and he's only just now realizing this connection might be bad for his game. He immediately knew Trevor and Chastity were too close, but somehow he didn't realize she was replacing Trevor with Braxton and it's still a duo? I guess.
Ben can't win the challenge today or it fucks up the whole story. So it's a puzzle challenge. Let's hope you don't screw it up. Cat can't even make Ben talk about his morning with Mr. Danish. Heh. She then turns to this “showmance”. Is it “Braxity”? “Chaxton”? They pick Braxity but Chaxton is way better. Braxton interviews that no one warned them that Cat was going to blow up their spot. Not the worst because now they can have a genuine shocked reaction. Anyway, the challenge today is “The Enigma of Testacles”. Ben is like, what the fuck, which is the proper response. See this is the level of dumb shenanigans I wanted them to be at for the whole show. Goats are born with rectangular pupils, which as you know allows them to have great peripheral vision, and also to see in the dark, and around corners. “Just as the goat of Moldovian legend, Testacles did when he found his way through the Forest of Peril”. The lights will go on and off as you assemble this 3D puzzle. Every time the lights come on, the person with the fewest pieces put together will be eliminated. First person to finish wins. This must be fixed for Braxton, because of the story.
The actors all got this puzzle a couple of days ago, so they could practice. Braxton is feeling the pressure, but Ben is not really doing well. We watch him try to assemble the puzzle, intercut with great side eye from Cat and a slide whistle. The lights go off and there's night vision which is labeled “Goat Vision”. Braxton is more stressed than the pool challenge because Ben is right there. He feels he can't be too fast or it's suspicious, but he also has to win. When the lights come back on, Ben only has two pieces done, so they can stop worrying that he might win or do well. But Maya is beating Braxton by one piece, so that's' a separate problem. I think Maya figured out she was doing well, because once the light goes off, she basically lays her puzzle on the table and starts over. Like it fell or something. Ben is freaking out because he thinks Maya is his last hope of being safe. Now she's cursing because she actually did notice and faked that it fell. When the lights come up, honestly it looks like she's been building her puzzle flat on the table, instead of standing upright. One could argue that she is actually building her puzzle, but the game graphics credit her with zero pieces. Hilariously in all this time Braxton has put one more piece. Ben believes this was her strategy, to build it flat, and it backfired. Anyway, this is dumb, because everyone else is now faking being shitty and then Braxton wins. Ben's happy for him, because he thinks he's done a lot for Braxton and he saved Chastity last night so it might pan out for Ben. We are spending a lot of time on the producers' relief that their story can proceed. They could have done a better job of fixing the games, or writing storylines that didn't depend so heavily on fixing the challenges.
Braxton interviews that Ben was genuinely happy for him, and it was touching because they have actually made a real relationship. Braxton pulls him into a room and says that he'd love to keep competing against everyone except Jessica. Ben is voting Jessica and Danielle, and he promises not to vote for Chastity after saving her last night. Braxton massively overplays his hand, in my opinion, by telling Ben he hates to think of this, but what if it's you and Chastity up there? Or Chastity and Maya? You didn't need to say or do that. Now you've planted the idea that it might come down to that choice. It's too much foreshadowing. Ben claims he's trying to emotionally prepare himself for every possible scenario. Braxton doesn't really want to do it, because it's not fun, but you gotta do what you gotta do. Ben knows they are down to so few people, you need to start thinking about winning. Getting rid of “key players” means you could solidify your victory. He's made it halfway and he's proud of his performance. Ben says goodbye to Maya, she's chill as fuck, he's so glad to have met her. Aww.
Cat still thinks that eliminating Ben will remove any possible thought in his head that this show is fake. As they all put on their robes, Maya turns to the cameraman in the room and whispers “He knows. He knows he's going home” since Ben just said goodbye to her. See, I knew Braxton shouldn't have said that. Although I guess it's possible that Ben is genre-savvy enough to figure out on his own that Braxton might get rid of his biggest competition, given the chance.
Cat claims this was always part of the plot of the show, eliminating Ben. No one has a token to play. As everyone does their fake voting, Chastity “sexily” eats a bunch of grapes. Hilariously the control room is like, “Where did she get those grapes from?” Ben does vote for Jessica and Danielle. The two people up for elimination are Ben and...a three way tie. Wow. Jessica, Chastity, and Danielle. It's “random” draw time, and I'd like to point out they've had two “random” draws and both times it was fixed for Chastity.
Chastity says she's having an amazing time in the house and she's falling for Braxton. “You're my king. Let's conquer together.” Damn. Ben says he loves everyone and this has been amazing. Maya, you're my day-one. Braxton, I'm not going to sit here and ask you to hit your girl. “You gotta do what you gotta do.” I think even on a real show, Ben knows he's out. If he was a different person, he'd be salty about it, but I think at heart he's a nice guy so no hard feelings. He for sure is a “no hard feelings about gameplay decisions” person, I think. Maya's starting to tear up. Braxton doesn't look thrilled either, but he does get rid of Ben as he apologizes. Cat says he's been noble. Ben says it was a no-brainer. Why save Chastity yesterday just so Braxton can send her home today? I feel like Cat is spending too much time praising Ben. She didn't say this much about anyone else. Hugs all around. Well not for Chastity. He interviews that he's proud to be honorable and trustworthy. I guess? Are we saying it's honorable because he didn't try to convince Braxton to save him? Braxton would have gotten rid of Ben either way if this was real. Accepting that you're not going to win over someone's new girlfriend is not “honorable”. Whatever, anyway, Ben was a nice person, which was true.
As Ben leaves the room and walks down an hallway, Mr. Danish and Dr. Grace are just lurking in a doorway. Ben sort of waves in acknowledgment as he keeps going, but Dr. Grace says Mr. Danish would like a word. Are we to believe Ben is not heavily guarded by producers at this moment? Right after being eliminated? And that Mr. Danish is just hanging out in the house, also without producers hanging about? Anyway, Dr. Grace “translates” this message: “Goatkeeper, the game is not over. Have faith. Elijah needs you.” Ben has no idea but he thinks maybe it's just one of those things he'll never understand. He shakes Mr. Danish's hand, and then he goes one way while everyone else files out of the room and goes the other way. And if he would just turn around, he could see Mr. Danish walking after all the other contestants, while none of them freak out, which to me would set off a million alarm bells. I think he does actually see everyone leaving the room, but then he turns around and leaves. It's just a small detail that I feel like someone should have thought of.
Louis asks Braxton how he feels, and Braxton is emotional. He's got tears running down his cheeks as he says that Ben's reaction made him emotional. Braxton saw growth in Ben and it's inspiring. Ben's his homie for real. It sounds like Ben and Braxton have been talking about their lives, and Ben doesn't think anything exciting will ever happen to him. But he's a star. Ben is in his exit interview, and he's sniffling a little bit. He wishes he could have gone further, obviously. He's not excited to go home and tell everyone he didn't win. But Maya's his friend! I really hope so.
Next week: somehow Ben returns. And so does everyone else, so is this like a Redemption Island or Last Chance Kitchen situation? It looks like he ends up in Sequesterville with all the other eliminated contestants, and they compete to return to the show, and Ben has some kind of decision to make.
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