TAR18, Recap Leg 1, 2/20/11

Welcome to Leg 1! We’re back to TAR after a hiatus, but this time it was pleasantly short. This time, Phil comes to us from Palm Springs California, the Wind capital of the world, and introduces us to teams that we already know in HD! From the jeeps, the eleven teams are: (click for more)

Jet and Cord, AKA The Cowboy Brothers are from Oklahoma, and have both won five world rodeo championships each. They are here because apparently they lost TAR16 when Dan and Jordan cut in front of them at the airport. Which? Not a game changer. They ended up on the same flight anyway. But? COWBOYS! *insert TAR Cowboy music here* (Toyouke: “Woo! Cowboys!”)

Margie and Luke, AKA Team Hearing Aid, are a mother and son, where the son is deaf, can’t read lips and can’t speak fluent English. Mom translates, quite well I may add. They lost in TAR14 when Luke couldn’t finish the final task. That means more fun from Luke. NOT complaining.

Amanda and Kris, AKA The YDC, are now engaged from San Diego. Kris: “I am 110% with this girl.” Well, that’s good. They lost when Margie and Luke U-Turned them in Siberia in TAR14. Not that that was a bad thing.

Flight Time and Big Easy, AKA The Globetrotters, are Harlem Globetrotters. Enough said. (Toyouke: “OMG I LOVE THE GLOBETROTTER MUSIC! I love that they cut that in.”) They lost in TAR15 when Big Easy couldn’t figure out a clue about Kafka. So intelligent clues are their downfall.

Mel and Mike, AKA Gay Family, are father and son. Dad is Mel White. Yes, THAT Mel White who used to write speeches for Jerry Falwell. Yes, THAT Jerry Falwell. The son wrote School of Rock. And they’re both gay. Oh, this is going to be fun. . . AGAIN! And now Mel is 70 and one of the oldest racers ever. They lost TAR14 when they broke away from the pack in Thailand.

Kent and Vyxsin, AKA Team Goth, are a dating goth couple from Louisville KY. Oh THIS will be fun. Kent describes themselves as “living cartoon characters.” I agree. (Toyouke: “They could fall on their rears or do really well.”) And do well they did, only falling apart at their second yield of TAR12 in Italy. Kent: “The Pink and Black attack is back!”

Gary and Mallory, AKA The Hillbillies, are father-daughter from Kentucky. Mallory is the former Miss Kentucky and fourth runner up at Miss America 2010. And dad still wishes she were a boy. They lost TAR17 in Oman when Mallory prayed to Mary instead of Allah. Oh, and they went the wrong way. Mallory: “TAR is more exciting than Miss America!”

Kisha and Jen, AKA Team Bathroom Break, are former college athletes. They want to learn how to deal with each other. And they lost TAR14 in China when Jen needed to use the restroom. Oops.

Zev and Justin, AKA Team Aspergers, are best friends from LA. Justin: “Zev isn’t afraid to speak his mind.” Zev: “Aw, That’s nice. *tear!*” Hee. Sound bite whore? Oh yes. They lost in TAR15 when Justin misplaced the passports. Well, that’s disaster right there.

Ron and Christina, AKA Team Asian, are from Tacoma WA and are the father-daughter team. Dad Ron says that he hasn’t been around for Christina and he hopes to build that trust. They lost their lead in TAR12 in Alaska, and Christina still wants to be the first parent-child team to win.

Jaime and Cara, AKA The Cheerios, are former NFL cheerleaders and are assertive young women. Apparently, that is to be read as “bitchy.” And they are both redheads now, as if they weren’t hard enough to tell apart before. They lost their way to the pit stop in TAR14.

The camera careens to a wind farm where the teams are standing where Phil gives his standard speech. There will be twelve legs where each team will get a “small amount of cash”. Phil tells them that their first clue is NOT on their bags. Instead teams run past their bags to a small field and solve a clue: Queensland and Northern Territories Aerial Service. The first EIGHT (8) teams to bring him what he wants will get tickets on the first flight out. The last three teams will get tickets on the second flight, ninety minutes later. AND the first team to check in on Leg 1 will get a special prize: an Express Pass, which will allow them to skip any one task on a leg that they choose, either before they start it or during. AND the last team to get their tickets will receive an automatic U-Turn when they encounter the first detour. (Toyouke: “Oo, I think I might like the automatic U-Turn better than a real U-Turn, or the "hurry up or you're eliminated in America" facet of things.”) Oh, and the first team to finish will win ONE MILLION DOLLARS (US$1000000)! Then oh so sexy Phil does his standard patter: “Ready? The world is waiting for you. Good luck, travel safe. (Toyouke: “Lack of eyebrow pop AGAIN!”) GO!” Who will be eliminated . . . tonight?

San Gorgonio Pass Wind Farm, Palm Springs, California, USA

Clue: Travel to Sydney, Australia! Once in Sydney, take the train to Sydney Harbour and take the ferry to Ocean World in Manly to get your next clue.

Since teams have to find their clues in order to leave, the departure order follows naturally. If the teams solve the clue, they know they want to find a paper airplane that says Qantas. Thus, the order of departure for the airport is:

1- Mel/Mike
2- Zev/Justin – (Toyouke: “Hee, Zev and Justin have Globetrotter T-shirts.)
3- Jet/Cord
4- Kent/Vyxsin
5- Ron/Christina
6- Flight Time/Big Easy
7- Margie/Luke
8- Jaime/Cara
9- Kisha/Jen
10- Gary/Mallory – Mallory: “Oh, St. Anthony, help us.”
11- Kris/Amanda – who get the U-Turn penalty. Well, that’s déjà vu all over again.

Teams drive themselves to the airport and find the marked parking lot.

Once everyone arrives, there’s no jockeying for position, and the flights shake down like this:

Flight 1:
1) Mel/Mike
2) Zev/Justin
3) Jet/Cord
4) Kent/Vyxsin
5) Ron/Christina
6) Flight Time/Big Easy
7) Margie/Luke
8) Jaime/Cara

Flight 2:
1) Kisha/Jen
2) Gary/Mallory
3) Kris/Amanda

So, teams board their respective flights. We follow the Amazing Red and Green Lines across the Pacific to . . .Hawaii? The Amazing Red Line has a medical emergency, and lands in Hawaii to evacuate a heart attack victim. And thus, the first flight becomes the second flight.

SYDNEY! Opera House! Teams leave Sydney Airport for Manly in the following order:

1- Kisha/Jen – who make the first train with . . .
2- Gary/Mallory – and . . .
3- Kris/Amanda
4- Flight Time/Big Easy – who make the second train with . . .
5- Zev/Justin – and . . .
6- Margie/Luke – and . . .
7- Kent/Vyxsin – and . . .
8- Jaime/Cara
9- Ron/Christina – who just miss the second train and make the third train with . . .
10- Mel/Mike – and . . .
11- Jet/Cord

Teams arrive at the Manly Ferry in the following order:

1- Kisha/Jen – who make the first ferry with . . .
2- Gary/Mallory – and . . . (Toyouke: “Aw, I missed Mallory's cute self.”)
3- Kris/Amanda
4- Flight Time/Big Easy – who make the second ferry with . . .
5- Zev/Justin – and . . .
6- Margie/Luke – and . . .
7- Kent/Vyxsin – and . . .
8- Jaime/Cara
9- Ron/Christina – who make the third ferry with . . .
10- Mel/Mike
11- Jet/Cord – who somehow manage to miss the third ferry. Why, cowboys, WHY?

Teams disembark the Manly Ferry and find the clue in the following order:

1- Gary/Mallory
2- Kisha/Jen
3- Kris/Amanda
4- Margie/Luke
5- Flight Time/Big Easy
6- Zev/Justin
7- Jaime/Cara
8- Kent/Vyxsin
9- Ron/Christina
10- Mel/Mike
11- Jet/Cord

Once they arrive, teams get the first roadblock clue.

ROADBLOCK:

Who’s ready to get tanked?

In this roadblock, one team member must go diving in a shark tank to find a compass marked with semaphore flags. Roadblockers then find the hanging flags and use the compass to decode the puzzle which gives them their next destination: “Manly 16 ft Skiff Sailing Club. Find the Commodore. I am between the devil and the deep blue sea.” Teams then find the commodore and give him the password to get their next clue.

(Toyouke: “This is like, the longest Roadblock. Why is it so long?”)

The following teammates take the Roadblock:

1- Mallory
2- Kisha
3- Amanda
4- Flight Time
5- Margie
6- Justin
7- Cara
8- Vyxsin – who has a hard time in the shark tank. Her focus ends up being family, since Kent lost his father suddenly a few years back.
9- Christina
10- Mel
11- Jet – who gets hopelessly stuck. (Toyouke: “How can you not get the flags? It's just a substitution code! You and I would be all over it.”)

After much shark swimming and clue decoding, teams complete the Roadblock in the following order:

1- Gary/Mallory
2- Kisha/Jen
3- Amanda/Kris
4- Zev/Justin
5- Flight Time/Big Easy
6- Ron/Christina
7- Mel/Mike
8- Jaime/Cara
9- Margie/Luke
10- Kent/Vyxsin
11- Jet/Cord

Teams are now instructed to sail a 16 foot skiff and race along a water course to one of three buoys, all of which contain copies of their next clue. But, they can’t swim to the clue. Teams get their next clue in the following order:

1- Gary/Mallory
2- Amanda/Kris
3- Kisha/Jen – Jen: “No swimming? Darn.”
4- Zev/Justin – Zev: “I go sailing every Thursday at 6 pm.”
5- Flight Time/Big Easy
6- Jaime/Cara
7- Ron/Christina
8- Margie/Luke – (Toyouke: “Aw, I know you are busy ogling Luke.”)
9- Mel/Mike
10- Kent/Vyxsin
11- Jet/Cord

Teams must now get themselves on foot to the PIT STOP, Shelly Beach. This is the first pit stop in a racearoundtheworld. The last team to arrive MAY be eliminated!

1- Gary/Mallory – who win the Express Pass. (Toyouke: “Ohhhhh the greeter!”)
2- Amanda/Kris – who are reminded about their U-Turn on the first detour.
3- Kisha/Jen
4- Zev/Justin
5- Flight Time/Big Easy
6- Jaime/Cara
7- Margie/Luke
8- Ron/Christina
9- Mel/Mike
10- Kent/Vyxsin
11- Jet/Cord

And Jet and Cord FINALLY make it to the mat. But? This is a non-elimination leg! Why? Because Phil informs the teams that while this is a Pit Stop, it is a no-rest Pit Stop, so they are to keep racing! And this, my friends? To be continued. . .

ORDER NOW:
1st – Gary/Mallory
2nd – Amanda/Kris
3rd – Kisha/Jen
4th – Zev/Justin
5th – Flight Time/Big Easy
6th – Jaime/Cara
7th – Margie/Luke
8th – Ron/Christina
9th – Mel/Mike
10th – Kent/Vyxsin
11th – Jet/Cord

Next week: The teams are in suspense as Ron resumes his old habits, and Mel can’t seem to hold his health together. Until next time! Clicky clicky

Top Chef:All Stars 2/23/11--"For the Gulf" summary

Previously on “Top Chef: All Stars”: Muppets showed up and ate cookies. They liked Dale’s cookie, which, while technically just junk food mashed together and covered in chocolate, still sounded delicious. Then everyone had to go to Target in the middle of the night to pretend you can create gourmet meals from Target. I mean, Target’s cool and all, but no one thinks you can cook like a chef with anything you can buy there, food or equipment. Dale won again, because he has discovered how to please the judges: when it is the middle of the night, or really any time, cook some stoner food that might not be fancy or crazy, but IS what a group of jaded foodies wants to eat at 3am. Tony seems especially vulnerable to this. Angelo made really salty soup and seemed to be flailing just like last season, only this time, he wasn’t given the chance to recover and went home. (click for more)

Mike is shocked, Tiffany thinks she was the only possibility, Dale says he plates wonderfully. Eh. Angelo was going slowly crazy, just like last season. Dale reminds us he’s on a roll.

Richard has two little notebooks with detailed plans. Including pictures. Why? Is he trying to predict what crazy challenges he’ll have? Does he have time to look through them? I’m not sure what advantage that gives him. He and Mike look at the notebooks. Shredded coconut is mentioned. I note this for later. Suddenly everyone starts giving Tiffany shit because she’s wearing makeup. She just says that she looks better and feels better and is therefore more confident. In confessional she admits we’ve reached about the same point where she got eliminated last season, so she’s feeling it.

It’s Paula Deen, y’all! I love her. Her food looks like it would be so horrible for you, but she seems like fun. Carla and Tiffany are especially pleased. Antonia knows she will be frying things. Padma says today will be about Southern cooking. Paula talks about how Southern cooking is about showing love. You must create a deep-fried dish. Hee. Paula specifically says not to make fried calamari on a salad. Winner gets $5000. Tiffany will fry anything for $5000.

30 minutes to cook. Dale is kind of worried, because he works in a Chinese restaurant, but he is frying oysters wrapped in beef. He already has won $30,000, but says he is “a greedy American” and wants more. Hee. Antonia has shrimp. Mike starts talking about part of the chicken, between the leg and the body, I think. It’s called the oyster, and he’s highly amused with his chicken oyster. He says he and Richard talked about a similar dish that morning, which was in Richard’s book, with a picture. Mike admits it’s still stuck in his head. Richard wants to fry mayonnaise. Flavored with coffee and lime, then frozen in liquid nitrogen to make a solid ball to fry. Sigh. Carla does not expect to fail, but she gets flustered during Quickfires and leaves her fish in the batter too long. Now it is bland and thickly breaded. Tiffany is making wings and pickles. Mike sneers at everyone else’s food, as he plates a dish that he didn’t even come up with himself. When time is called, Antonia realizes she’s only made one plate instead of two. Oops.

Antonia: fried avocado, shrimp, and jalapeno, grilled corn, tomato, fried herbs. It seems strong. Dale: fried steak wrapped oyster with egg yolk omelet, parsley tips and chives. Richard: fried bacon with fried mayonnaise, tomato and cucumber. When he’s done describing his dish, Paula says she hasn’t heard a word he’s said because his hair looks just like hers does when she wakes up. Ha! Tiffany: fried chicken and pickles, honey mustard sauce, with cilantro and cumin salad. Carla: catfish with Dijon mustard, hush puppies, coleslaw with mayo, hot sauce, and mint. Mike: fried chicken oysters with mustard gravy and oyster liquor. Served in an oyster shell. Richard is shown shaking his head, because of course he’s recognized this dish as coming from one of his notebooks. Mike won’t look at Richard, which to Richard is just proof of his guilt. Finally after Paula and Padma leave Mike looks over and tries to wink and laugh. His excuse is that he’s seen the dish done before, and Richard should have done his own dish? What kind of stupid ass excuse is that?

Dale’s dish didn’t wow her, and Carla’s food was too heavy. But she knew that. However, she liked Antonia’s food the best! Paula continues that she could “come over there, put you over [her] knee, and whip your cute little ass”. Because Antonia forgot to make two plates, she can’t win. Poor Antonia. Richard’s fried mayo was delicious, but you knew she would like it. And of course Mike is the other person who was on top. Richard is pissed, but unless he’s going to say something right now, he’s kind of approaching the end of the sympathy period. Mike wins, OF COURSE, because the universe thinks it’s hilarious for asshats to win things and thwart me. And Richard. In his interview he says he’d like to thank Richard for “inspiration” but then he says it’s not Richard’s dish, it’s his own dish because he won. Asshole. He’s just an unpleasant person, with his homophobic jokes and his racial slurs and his plagiarism.

Paula is going to be a guest judge, along with John Besh who is pretty cool. The Elimination challenge has to do with Deepwater Horizon and helping fisherman from the Gulf. John and Paula are hosting a benefit, and everyone must make Gulf seafood, Southern style, for 300 people. Mike immediately gets an interview where he says it’s about helping out and giving back and he’s “inspired” by the challenge. Did it come with a diagram? It’s going to take a lot more than that to make up for 2 minutes ago. 300 people is a lot, so they are getting some “friends” to help out. Cue eliminated contestants. I’m going to hate this episode. Spike, Tiffani, Tre, Fabio, Angelo, and Marcel are back. Sigh. They all have trays of seafood, and when you pick your protein you pick your helper. Richard, being smart, says he’ll cook anything, so he’s going to pick a helper and then figure out what he’s going to cook after that. Mike gets to pick first, and he gets Tiffani and brown shrimp. Mike magnanimously lets Richard go next, and admits Richard was his “inspiration” for his dish today, and I want to smack the smirk off his face but I’m sure not as much as Richard does. Richard picks snapper and Fabio. Carla gets Tre and red grouper. Tiffany picks Marcel and white shrimp, mostly because she wants the shrimp so badly. There is some joking about how Marcel is the afterthought of the decision (because he is) but he deserves it. Possibly she was calling Marcel a white shrimp, which is also funny. Antonia picks out Spike and his crabs. Hee. Dale gets stuck with Angelo and amberjack. He’s not worried.

15 minutes to plan. Spike has ideas. Tiffani tells Mike to make shrimp and grits, which is not is his comfort zone, but Tiffani has lived in New Orleans so he’s going with it. Angelo tells Dale he’s gotten into Richard’s head and he should just keep it together to beat him. Richard is making fish and grits and pulled pork. I don’t know. He claims he only makes new dishes on Top Chef, which then segues into a claim that he doesn’t make other people’s recipes. Tiffany is feeling the pressure. She hasn’t cooked a lot of Southern food, but she’s eaten a lot. Marcel whispers to her that they should steal all the good equipment. Shut up, Marcel. Tiffany is not interested in his ideas. Carla was depending on Tre to help her out with Southern food. Doesn’t Carla already know about Southern food? Anyway, Tre grew up in the city and is unhelpful. I probably know more about Southern food and I grew up in California. She wants to take Tre’s NAACP card. Who is asking other people about Southern food? Right.

30 minutes and $200 at Restaurant Depot. Fabio and Richard have fun shopping. Fabio once told Richard that he (Richard) reminds Fabio of his ex-wife. Hee. They also get $500 at Whole Foods. Carla wants some redemption for the Quickfire so she’s making the fish again. She’s making her same dish? OK.

Back at the house (eliminated contestants I guess sleep elsewhere) Carla realizes there is no middle. Everyone is either top three or bottom three. Antonia mentions her forgetfulness, and Carla says she feels so bad. Mike says he feels bad also and then thanks Antonia for the $5000 and then laughs. Asshole. Antonia says it’s not cool that Mike won by default and then on top of that it wasn’t his dish. Richard I guess won’t look at Mike and is basically ignoring him. For some reason Mike feels he can be offended by this, because it’s childish. You have no room to talk, seriously. He doesn’t want to talk to your stupid ass, so he’s ignoring you. Seems pretty grownup to me. The girls gossip about it in one of the bedrooms, where Antonia tells Tiffany and Carla the story. Carla says that is Chef Law (like Man Law) and that is not OK.

2 ½ hours to cook. Suddenly there are twice as many people in the kitchen as usual and Dale can’t find a burner. The fish is the size of Dale. Hee. Antonia is making crab cakes. Carla has to teach Tre how to cut up collard greens because he buys his greens in a can. Mike hollers at Richard across the kitchen. Something about the CIA. Dude, did you really think he was just going to forgive you and be your friend again? What planet are you on? Richard ignores him. Antonia notices that Mike is more obnoxious than usual, because Tiffani is making his sauce for him so he‘s got time. Marcel continues to tell Tiffany to use the shrimp heads in her sauce. Apparently he’s made this suggestion several times. Finally she tells him that she’s more concerned with having enough dishes, and she’ll worry about using the heads later. Seriously, I don’t see anyone else pushing their ideas on an indifferent contestant. Dale feels Tiffany can put Marcel in his place better than anyone else there. Richard tells Fabio that when they get to the site, they’re going to pull a “Fabio Viviani” which is where you do a million things at the last second. Hee. Lots of running around packing food. Someone hooked up the liquid nitrogen and forgot about it so it’s spilling on the floor. Who do we think that was? Marcel snatches plastic wrap out of Fabio’s hands. I think everyone makes it.

30 minutes on site. Dale says this is his hardest challenge, and he’s behind. Richard hopes the judges get his dish. Carla is not using her grits? I think they’re not up to par. So they showed them arriving during the day, and then suddenly it’s nighttime and everyone’s getting there. Everyone’s behind on plating and running around.

The judges (Padma, Tom, Paula, and John) show up, and for some reason Jonathan Waxman is here too. But I guess he’s not judging. They talk about the charity which is the Greater New Orleans Foundation. Mike: grit-crusted Gulf shrimp, sour cream and chive potato, with pork and lobster sauce. They like it, sadly. Fabio and Richard freak out and snap at each other while the judges approach. Richard: crispy Gulf snapper with pulled pork and citrus grits. It all comes together somehow and is light. Dale and Angelo are also freaking out, because Dale is trying to make things taste different. Angelo insists that it’s fine, but we all know Angelo got sent home for over seasoning. Tiffany tells us that in the middle of service, Marcel told her they were out of glaze, so she told him how to do it and then didn’t have time to taste it. Nooo! Don’t let Marcel drag you down with him! Carla is getting tired. Carla: fried grouper with collard greens and chow-chow pico. The fish has too much hot sauce and something is too salty. Apparently people are returning to tell her they didn’t like her food. Sad. She hopes someone has screwed up more than her.

Tiffany: honey glazed shrimp, grits with jalapeno and cheese, shellfish sauce. She seems to have left the heads on. The glaze is good but John can’t taste the shrimp. The glaze seems to be the problem. Marcel has ruined it. Dale: amberjack stew with andouille sausage and potatoes, Creole mustard crouton. He’s babbling and very nervous. The potatoes are undercooked and the crouton is very strong. Oops. Antonia: blue crab cake, corn, jalapeno and andouille relish with crab broth. It goes over very well. She’s pretty confident that she at least hasn’t gone down in flames. Mike thinks he left his season too early. Richard worries about his dish but Fabio tells him to shut the fuck up and it was fine. Carla says she put her pride into the dish and not her heart.

Commercial interlude: Antonia tries to send Spike to spy on the judges for her, but he just spills wine on the floor and flirts with girls. Figures.

Padma calls Antonia, Richard, and Mike up first. It’s so entertaining to watch Richard freak out because he always worries he’s done poorly. He showed restraint in his dish, and had a great combination. Mike’s shrimp coated in grits was “genius” according to Paula, and she loved the potatoes. Antonia’s smokiness and the flavor from the sausage was what put it over. And the winner is Richard. Mike claps in a half-assed manner and I’m not ashamed to admit it makes me pleased. Richard also wins a trip to Barbados and money for airfare. Nice. He says he’s inviting Fabio to go with him. And his family, don’t get excited. Although…the trip is only for 2 so I’m not sure how that’s going to work.

When the top three get back to the Stew Room, Antonia asks Mike if he’s going to burp, because if so, she’s moving seats. Then she asks him not to burp, fart, or flick boogers on her, and it’s just sad that you have to ask a grown man not to do those things. Tiffany tells the judges she didn’t cook any of the shrimp, which ended up overcooked. She admits she knows it’s still her dish. Paula tells her it was too sweet. Dale’s potatoes were raw, and he knew it, and Tom says that he should have made all of them wait for them to cook, as if they wouldn’t have nailed him for that too. The mustard was way too strong, and no one could taste the fish. Carla had beautiful fish, which she then doused in hot sauce and mustard. Nothing else on the plate made any sense.
Richard says Marcel was telling him how Tiffany’s dish was bland and he had a better idea. Everyone laughs because they know Marcel. Tiffany knows Marcel screwed her with the sauce, but she’s not going to stand in front of the judges and blame him. Dale’s fish got lost behind everything else. Carla also hid her fish behind other things. Tiffany’s shrimp was too sweet. The theme today seems to be “drowning the seafood in other flavors is bad.”

In the end Dale is sent home. Holy shit. And MIKE is still there? This is worse than Jamie. He’s really upset. I feel you, dude. He says the first time he was on Top Chef he didn’t like himself so he took it out on everyone else. Now he’s a better person and a better chef. Totally. He knows now he can handle anything.

Next week: Padma shows up to the house, cooking on a ferry, family visits. Clicky clicky

Top Chef:All Stars 2/16/11--"Lock Down" summary

Previously on “Top Chef: All Stars”: the contestants had to make fondue, and then judge each other. Richard did not win, which he immediately blamed on everyone being jealous. They could have done a blind judging, where no one knew whose food was whose, but I’m pretty sure when they had bananas and chili chocolate frozen with liquid nitrogen they would have figured it out. Also Mike made a homophobic comment, which I noticed. But then later I missed him calling Dale a monkey (mainly because I don’t usually associate that slur with any group Dale’s a part of) but it’s not like it changes my opinion of Mike. See, you all forgot while Marcel was around. Then all were asked to make lunch for Jimmy Fallon’s birthday, with random assignments of dishes. Carla got chicken pot pie, which she freaked out about, and then she realized she had to make it in two hours, and freaked out again, and then won, and did NOT freak out because of that time she won and Marcel was a dick about it. Dale made salty cheesesteak, but in the end Fabio went home because his burger was too much like meatloaf. Even though a meatloaf sandwich is delicious. Bye, Fabio. (click for more)

Richard will miss Fabio. I think in general everyone is sad to see him go. Richard then says that if Fabio had only asked his opinion, because he runs a burger restaurant! See, when Richard says it, I’m irritated, but then Carla says pretty much the same thing and it’s less irritating. Then Carla jinxes herself by saying she might win the whole thing.

Back in the “bar”. Oh, you know it’s not a real bar. It’s completely deserted and half of them are drinking coffee from paper cups. The group toasts the final 7. Dale is ready to redeem himself. He also says that he is not like “these new school parents” who always say everyone is a winner. Fuck that! Hee.

Padma greets the contestants with a weird smile and small words. Dale thinks she’s possessed, and they edit in a shot of him looking around, like he’s going to discover a hypnotist or something. Of course, when you say the magic words of “Can you tell me how to get…” then one must finish the words with “To Sesame Street!” If you can’t then I feel badly for your childhood. Who finishes the words? Cookie Monster, Elmo, and…another one. Telly. Tiffany jumps. Hee. Everyone’s kids watch Sesame Street. Today you must make cookies. Cookie Monster flips out like a drug addict. Elmo asks for cookies with zucchini and carrots, and Cookie makes noises of disgust. Mike’s never made cookies from scratch, so he knows he’s screwed. $5000 for the winner.

45 minutes. Christ, Richard’s got the liquid nitrogen. I think there are mostly traditional cookies from everyone else. Dale says it’s so shocking that someone like Mike who eats so many cookies could have so much trouble making them. Ha! Carla makes cookies all the time. Dale’s got potato chips. The Muppets heckle him. With five minutes to go Cookie starts eating the table cloth. It just occurred to me that based on where Padma is standing, relative to the table, it’s possible that Elmo’s puppeteer has an excellent view right now. The Muppets go crazy for cookies.

Antonia: dark chocolate cookie, white chocolate chips, fresh caramel glaze, and sprinkles. “Elmo can definitely taste the white chocolate.” Hee. Carla: chocolate chip cookies with cinnamon. Telly: “cinnamon, I thought it was cardamom.” Padma: “Actually, cinnamon and cardamom grow in the same part of the world.” *pause* Elmo: “TMI.” This is hysterical. Dale: pretzel and potato chip shortbread cookie with salted caramel chocolate ganache. Richard: ice cream cookie with chocolate chips, zucchini, and mint. It’s ice cream in the shape of cookies. Don’t try to fool the Muppets, Richard. They call him out quickly. Mike: almond and dried cherry cookie with rose petal powdered sugar. They marvel that he did all that in 45 minutes, and Mike says “I’m a little fast sometimes”. That’s what she said. Oh, EW, I grossed myself out. Tiffany: shortbread cookie with lemon zest, rosemary, thyme, and coconut milk. Angelo: chocolate chip, Belgian hazelnut cookie, and chocolate and banana milkshake. Cookie Monster sprays Angelo with crumbs.

Richard did not make a cookie. Angelo’s cookies were dry. Dale’s cookies, however, were delicious and sweet and salty. Antonia’s cookies were chewy but did look like cow chips. The winner is Dale. Kick ass.

Padma claims that now they will be turned loose “like kids in a candy store”. This isn’t Top Chef: Desserts, Padma. Nor is it Project Runway. This Elimination challenge is worth $25,000 to the winner. Damn. They’re headed to Target. Carla loves Target, of course, like we couldn’t believe that. They will go to a Target in the middle of the night, to find things to cook dishes for 100 Target employees. And it’s an “expanded” Target, so it has a grocery section. Ooo, then Padma says they can’t even bring their knives. They have to find food and build their own stations too? Crazy.

It’s midnight and the store is empty, not that they wouldn’t close the store down anyway. They have 3 hours until service. That means 3 hours to shop, set up stations, and cook. It’s pretty insane. But Tiffany is loving running around grabbing whatever she wants. Dale is annoyed by Tiffany. He then claims he used to work at a grocery store, and crazy shit goes on after hours. He’s picking up…irons? Antonia is getting her stuff but not food. Angelo and Mike are sort of helping each other. Mike is out of shape.

So I guess they were told to just set up wherever, because people are just claiming an aisle space wherever and putting up tables. Tiffany has borrowed a hat. Carla is busy thinking about what she wants her tables to look like, and realizes she’s wasted an hour, and still doesn’t have food. 2 hours left, and she still isn’t cooking. Richard is making “blue collar” food. Antonia doesn’t know if she can find her groove. Tiffany has some jambalaya stuff, and seems excited. Carla? Still freaking out and not cooking. This doesn’t look good. Dale used to make grilled cheese with his iron and tomato soup in the rice cooker. That is unsurprising, somehow. Especially since it involved alcohol, he says. Carla is finally cooking and is making curried apple soup. She wants to go look for a protein, but doesn’t want to leave her station. Lots of people are making soup. Angelo adds salt to his soup on Mike’s suggestion. Antonia says that for $25,000, she’s not making soup. Carla’s not happy with her soup but she thinks her presentation is fantastic. Angelo’s soup is now too salty. Dale is seriously, using an electric griddle, and an iron.

The employees come to eat, and seem to be entertained to be at work at 3am eating food. The judges appear, and there is Padma, and Tom, and Tony, and Ming Tsai, who is awesome even though he tried to be the Next Iron Chef and lost. And some Target guy. Tony claims to be going from Judges’ Table tonight straight to parent teacher conferences. Can you imagine having Tony Bourdain for a dad?

Richard: pork tenderloin with green chilies, apples, braised pork ribs and corn pancakes. Tony says it was ugly but delicious. Dale: rib eye grilled cheese sandwich and spicy tomato soup. He tells the judges he ironed them. Tony asks if Tom’s given Dale a urine test, as he seems to be the master of late night stoner food. Hee. Then Ming makes a horrible pun about being an iron chef. Carla: curry apple soup with tomato ginger jam and cucumber apple slaw. It sounds good. It needs protein. Antonia: parmesan eggs on garlic crostini with almond, tomato, and apple salad. It’s delicious and ballsy. Mike: spicy coconut soup with mushrooms, scallions, and lime. He tries to tell the judges it has fresh coconut milk, but Padma calls him out on that. Padma and the Target guy find it too spicy, but Tom and Ming like it. Tiffany: jambalaya with chicken, sausage, and shrimp with a summer salad. It’s just OK. Angelo: baked potato soup with bacon, sour cream, potato skins, scallions, and cheddar cheese. Too heavy and too salty. Tiffany is very nervous for some reason, partly because she hasn’t won anything yet. Tony is only worried that Tom is driving.

Incidentally, there have been some hilarious Target commercials with Kevin. I love Kevin.
Commercial interlude: The girls play with some stuffed Target branded dogs and make them talk to each other. Sleep deprivation.

The Stew Room is a discussion of the weird challenge and how the sun’s come up by now. Padma collects Dale, Antonia, and Richard. These are the winners. Ming liked that Richard both braised and cooked his pork in a pan. Antonia’s eggs could have failed but were a total success. They very much enjoyed Dale’s food, and his ironing. The winner is Dale. Wow, he’s cleaning up this season.

Carla, Tiffany, and Angelo. Not Mike? Fine. Carla knows her soup flavors didn’t meld, and needed protein, and then she also ran out of garnish. Angelo’s soup was too salty. He seems surprised somehow. The scallions tasted weird, too, says Tony. Tiffany knows she didn’t really make jambalaya, and admits she used a prepackaged spice mix. But the mix was bad? Tom says she should have just used cayenne. Padma asks if anyone has anything to say before they deliberate and send someone home. Tiffany says she’s from a small town, and it’s hard to dream big, and it’s been an honor to work with all of them.

Carla’s soup was weak and didn’t come together, and protein would have helped. Tiffany’s “jambalaya” had dried herbs and the judges seem violently opposed. She put too much in. However, no one could eat Angelo’s soup. Let me just remind everyone that they kicked Jen out over Jamie because Jen’s food was inedible, while Jamie’s was just bad.

And in the end I’m right, I’m proven right and Angelo is sent home. He thinks he’s just mentally fried. They’re all shocked, especially Mike, and Angelo is choked up as he says they’ve all pushed him and made him a better person.

Next week: Paula Deen! The eliminated contestants, for some reason. And I thought we were rid of Marcel. Boo. Clicky clicky

Top Chef:All Stars 2/9/11--"Feeding Fallon" summary

Previously on “Top Chef: All Stars”: apparently when you want the contestants to make pretty things, the best way to do that is to tell them no one is going to eat them. Richard won that Quickfire, by making weird black ice cream nuggets. Then everyone made Italian food, and there was a minimum of stupid mob jokes, which was good. However, all the pasta dishes were terrible. Antonia won, by making mussels that were simple but delicious. Several people were jealous. Mike failed at cooking fresh pasta correctly, but Tre’s thick risotto with too many vegetables was deemed the worst and he was sent home. (click for more)

Everyone goes to that random bar and drinks, but I did notice some people are drinking coffee, or at least drinks out of coffee cups. Fabio complains again about how he thinks Antonia’s dish was French, and Mike joins in for no other reason but because he’s a sore loser. At least he admits it.

It looks like fondue pots. Oo, fondue is fun. However, it makes Richard think of being naked for some reason. No, really. He is convinced his parents once went to a nude fondue party. That sounds dangerous. Padma demands creativity. Then she asks if they want to meet the guest judge, so she says to look around. Hilariously, Fabio looks up at the ceiling, like someone might drop from a skylight. No, they’re judging each other. This should be loud and bitchy. They must vote for their favorite and least favorite. No voting for yourself, no immunity, the winner will get a 3 day trip to Napa. Antonia says she hasn’t won anything yet.

30 minutes. Mike says that since he was born in the 70’s, he doesn’t know too many people who’ve gone to “these gay fondue parties”. Asshole. Antonia is making smoked salmon? Who knows? Richard decides that listening to Padma is stupid, and goes to make chocolate fondue with bananas, which she specifically mentioned as something not to make. I think Fabio is making blinis. Dale is making pho, which I think is going to turn out like shabu-shabu. Angelo is deconstructing something…who knows what he does anymore. I think he doesn’t finish.

Everyone gets wine to drink and they gather ‘round the fondue pots. Richard: bananas with amaretto, ras el hanout, chili chocolate, liquid nitrogen. You dip the banana in chocolate and then in the nitrogen to freeze it. That’s not a bad spin, actually. Except Padma says her tongue stuck to the banana a little bit. Tiffany is sad she can’t just eat and have fun. Tiffany: apple fritter with hazelnut chocolate. Delicious. Richard calls it “pedestrian”. Angelo: walnuts, endive with goat cheese fondue, beet juice shooter. Oh, it’s a deconstructed beet and goat cheese salad. Still, beet juice shooters are weird. Carla: beef tenderloin and shrimp with coconut curry lime sauce. Oo. Dale: pho with beef, bread, charred ginger, lime, sriracha, and broth. Mike: spiced limb kabobs with mint and chili, goat cheese fondue. Interesting. Antonia: smoked salmon on toast, fromage blanc and crème fraiche fondue. Fabio: blini (billini?) with caviar, crème fraiche, fromage blanc, and bourdain wine.

Richard complains that his competitors are intimidated by him, and that he would win if there was a guest judge. Fabio, Tiffany, and Mike end up in the bottom. Then Padma calls Dale out because he put Mike on the bottom. He didn’t like the spice and the cheese together. Tiffany thinks there were dishes worse than hers. Isn’t anyone else going to get called out? Fine. Top 3 are Antonia, Dale, and Angelo, who claims surprise. Richard complains again. The winner is Dale. Nice.

Now Padma tells them to go to Rockefeller Center to learn about the Elimination challenge. Field trip! When they get there, they manage to direct them around without anyone figuring out what’s going on. Until they get to the set of the Jimmy Fallon show. Fabio freaks out, as does Carla. Antonia looks around for pots and pans. They have to play some game called “Cellphone Shootout” which involves taking pictures of random things with their phones. Whatever you take a picture of, that’s what you have to make. Is this a thing? I don’t watch Jimmy Fallon. They’ll cook for his birthday lunch. Antonia and Fabio are up first. I think…it looks like there’s a screen, and the images flash quickly, and when Jimmy says “shoot” then you take a picture and hope it’s something good. So it’s not something you have control over. Antonia ends up taking a picture of beef tongue, and Fabio gets a burger and fries. Fabio can’t even pronounce “burger”. Angelo gets pulled pork, Richard has to make instant ramen (you know he’ll do some weird thing), Dale shoots Philly cheesesteak, Tiffany is making chicken and dumplings, Mike gets sausage and pepper sandwiches, Carla jumps up and down for chicken pot pie (which she said she wanted). They will have 2 hours to cook tomorrow. Jimmy hates mushrooms, mayonnaise, and eggplant.

45 minutes to shop. Carla very much wants to win. Dale worries he won’t make authentic enough cheesesteaks, but he finds pretzel bread which probably will be delicious. Fabio is going to treat his burger like a meatball. Tasty.

Back home, apparently chefs are willing to eat frozen Butoni ravioli. Damn product placement. However I don’t see jarred sauce so that’s something. Richard talks, again, about how he has to win. This really isn’t looking good for him.

In the morning Dale says Angelo is pretty and discusses his tight pants. He does look excellent in his tight pants and no shirt.

Angelo says his strength is flavor. How’s he going to make pulled pork in two hours? Antonia is freaking out because normally tongue takes 4-5 hours to cook. Richard explains to her how to work the pressure cooker, and Mike thinks he shares too much. Whatever. However, Mike doesn’t hesitate to ask Angelo’s opinion of his food. Dale’s never made cheesesteaks before. Tiffany feels she’s “a good mess”, on the top and the bottom and everywhere. Carla is starting to feel the pressure, because while she was overexcited about the pot pie, she’s never made it in 2 hours. She shrieks a lot.

Gail is here today, which should be good. Jimmy seems to be a fan of the show. Fabio has short rib meat in his burger, and melted cheese sauce on the side. Mike sneers at it, and while I’ve never seen melted cheese sauce either, 1. it’s probably delicious, and 2. I’m still pissed about the gay comment, so Mike can cram it with walnuts. Antonia’s tongue tastes good. Heh.

Antonia: beef tongue, pumpernickel rye, caramelized onions, dill slaw. Fabio: hamburger (chuck, brisket, and short ribs meat), melted cheese sauce, fries. The burger is almost like a meatloaf. Sadly Tom is grossed out by the cheese. The tongue surprisingly goes over very well. Richard: ramen noodles with seared pork belly, duck legs, and a duck leg. Oo, proper ramen noodles, which I am ashamed to admit I’ve never had. Must remedy that. Tiffany: chicken, dumplings with poblano chilies, red peppers, cilantro and lime. Jimmy expected crazy time from Richard. I think it was good. Tiffany’s food is spicy, and I think they are indifferent about it. Carla: chicken pot pie with carrots, celery, pea salt and herbs. Dale: Philly cheesesteak on a pretzel roll, hot sauce, onions and cheddar cheese sauce. That sounds so good. However it’s too salty. Carla’s pot pie is so delicious Tom can’t be interrupted to voice an opinion. Angelo: pulled pork with coffee, dill, allspice, and chipotle rub, and coleslaw. Mike: sausage, peppers, onions, garlic, fennel, and paprika. Mike stuffed his own sausage. *snort* Angelo’s pork goes over very well, as does Mike’s. in the end everyone comes out with a cake. Jimmy says the winner of the challenge will get to have a cooking segment on his show.

Commercial interlude: Jimmy tells a story about how Food and Wine magazine asked him for a recipe, and he gave them one from his mom, which she originally got from…Food and Wine magazine. Eh…that was like, mildly amusing at best.

Everyone laughs at Carla’s freaking out, including Carla. Padma calls Carla, Angelo, and Antonia. These are the winners. Angelo put coffee, dill, cilantro, all together, and magically it worked. Jimmy and Carla have a nearly incoherent conversation about making sure the pot pie has a crust on the bottom as well as the top. Antonia did really well with her curveball. Then she reveals there is a song about the beef tongue, which they demand the three chefs sing. It’s weird. Anyway, the winner is Carla! Not only does she get to be on Jimmy’s show, but she gets a 6 night trip to Tokyo and $5000. She’s won three trips. She’s won three trips? Wow.

Tiffany, Fabio, and Dale. Oo, I really thought Richard was getting the loser edit. However, he does get to complain that you don’t have to win until the end. He and Mike say they’ll take not being in the bottom. Tiffany’s dumplings were too thin, so it wasn’t as comforting and it wasn’t the same. Padma knows Fabio was making meatballs and not burgers. It was too much like meatloaf and the cheese got grainy. Dale thinks maybe he was spooked from the last challenge, where they said he had bland food. Too salty.

Dale forgot that pretzel bread has salt on it. Everyone seems to accept the mistakes. Tiffany masked the chicken with all the other stuff, and moved too far from most people’s idea of “chicken and dumplings”. Fabio had the same problem, in that he didn’t make a burger. Dale didn’t taste his food, or realize how all the components would taste together.

We didn’t spend very much time berating people today, did we? I kind of like it. But then Padma sends Fabio home. No! I love Fabio. Suck. Fabio says one day he’ll cook Jimmy a burger “and you will go on your knee and beg for forgiveness”. Hee. He says you should go for what you want, if he can make it in America anyone can.

Next week: holy shit it’s Muppets. OK, OK…Elmo, Cookie Monster, and…I don’t know who the other one is. Crazy running through Target. I think they’re cooking in Target. Ming Tsai! Tony says Dale (I’m pretty sure that’s who he’s talking about) is always making good stoner food and has Tom given him a urine test? Hee. Clicky clicky

Top Chef:All Stars 2/2/11--"An Offer They Can't Refuse"

Previously on “Top Chef: All Stars”: the chefs had to break down fish, which was only moderately entertaining, and then some of them had to make dishes with fish offal, and Dale won. Yay Dale! Then it was Restaurant Wars time, and Dale got to be one leader, and got to pick the other leader. Not being stupid, he picked Marcel, and got to watch Marcel completely fail. It’s not like the usual set-up for Restaurant Wars where the one team that looks like rock stars bites it, and the misfit team will prevail. Dale had rock stars, and his team won handily. Richard won the challenge. Marcel went home, still insisting on his awesomeness on his way out the door, even though only 17 out of 76 diners preferred his restaurant. (click for more)

Mike complains about Marcel while Antonia reveals that Mike is on her list of people who need to go home. Mike thinks he stepped up when Marcel started blaming everyone else for their loss.
Isaac Mizrahi? Huh? Angelo gives us some insight into his life by knowing who Isaac is and also loving fashion. Fabio thinks they will have to make dishes and wear them. It’s Fashion Week and Padma has some jewelry to show. And Isaac has things to show too. He says food and clothes are related. Yeah. Today for the Quickfire, they will NOT taste the dishes, but judge the contestants on presentation only. Interesting.

30 minutes to cook. Carla came to food via modeling. Fabio doesn’t like to cook without flavor. He’s talking about women and the rain. Richard thinks people are having a problem not making things that taste good. Antonia is making trees or something. Dale is inspired by street graffiti. Angelo wishes he was a food stylist. He…seems to have plastic bags of vomit. Fabio is right.

Carla: borscht and sandwich with lattice of cucumber. It’s a section of cucumber, hollowed out, with soup in it, a little tiny round layered sandwich, and woven strips of cucumber. Tre: smoked salmon, beets, curry noodles, food coloring. It’s just a lot of dots and stripes on the plate, in different colors. Fabio: tuna with a sidewalk of caramel, mushroom umbrellas, and lemon juice. The idea is that Fabio loves to see women caught in the rain. Isaac looks confused. Dale: beet puree, cantaloupe, maple syrup meringue, avocado, mango. It’s like…piles of chopped up stuff. Isaac thinks it looks like the remnants of a real dish, like the stuff left after you plate the food. This is the fun part of having someone like Isaac judge. He knows what to say. Dale is like, who does this jerk think he is anyway? I don’t care what a fashion designer thinks. Mike: carrot puree, roasted eggplant, and egg yolk. It’s all one color, but it actually isn’t that bad looking. Richard: “Black Sundae”; black chocolate ice cream, menthol crystals, herbal salad, mint ice cream dots. It’s all very dark. Isaac loves it, of course. Antonia: yucca potato, lentils, nuts and seeds. It’s a tree made out of the potato and eucalyptus leaves, with the rest of the stuff sprinkled like dirt. Isaac says the seeds are too big, proportionally, and Antonia can’t believe Fabio got away with his crap but she gets “the seeds are too big”. Tiffany: almond gazpacho, grapes, dirt made of rye bread. It’s pretty and it looks like real food. Angelo: has written “crocodile” on his workbench. Yeah. Then he tells Isaac one of his favorite designers is Cavalli, and Isaac just rolls his eyes. Duh, flatter the guest judge! Anyway: pineapple skin, curry salted egg, and dill. It’s all in a plastic vacuum bag. Eh.

Isaac had fun, but he didn’t like Dale, Tre, or Angelo. Fabio’s plate looked good, Carla was like a perfectly made simple dress, and Richard’s plate was “just incredibly beautiful”. The winner, based on which plate Isaac sort of wanted to eat, is Richard. He gets immunity.

For the Elimination challenge, Padma says they’ll be cooking at a restaurant so exclusive, tables are not reserved but “owned” by families who pass them down through the generations. The knife block comes out: “Frankie No“, “Junior“, “Dino the Chef“. Three groups of three. In walks three old Italian men, whom Fabio thinks belong in the Godfather, which they totally do. Fabio is dying from joy. He knows all of them, as they are restaurant owners of Rao’s. They must cook an Italian feast for this restaurant family, with dishes “inspired” by the family. They have to use the family history for inspiration. The dinner has three courses: antipasti, primi (pasta), and secondi (meat). The teams are to assign what course you are making.

30 minutes to plan. Tre is going to make risotto. Mike, smartly, asks if they stay traditional or if they ever try to evolve the dishes. No, they need to be traditional. Tre says people call him “The Black Italian” but that nickname sounds like it has nothing to do with food and everything to do with things you can’t talk about on a family show. Carla is thrilled to make antipasti, she says she makes comfort food. Fabio talks up the guy, while Angelo and Richard just kind of stand there. Eventually they get the advice to keep it simple. Yeah, Angelo is going to keep it simple.

Fabio is making polenta and chicken. Mike is thinking of his grandma. That’s about it for the shopping.

2 hours to cook. Antonia (who is also Italian) says her dad would not get over it if she didn’t do well. Dale has never made Italian food, not professionally anyway. Mike is trying to make fresh rigatoni, which he claims has never been made on Top Chef. That’s entirely possible. Tiffany is tired of hearing about how the Italians are going to win. Tre has won challenges with his risotto. Antonia thinks he’s screwing it up. Mike is nervous and claims he doesn’t like being a favorite.

1 hour to cook at the restaurant. Carla, Antonia, and Tiffany have the antipasti. Antonia and Clara are calmer while cooking. Antonia hopes her mussels taste OK. Tiffany burns her polenta. Like, flames. Tony is here. Kick ass. And the other guest judge is Lorraine Bracco from the Sopranos. Everyone plates up family style. Carla: minestrone soup with basil oil, tomatoes, and homemade focaccia. Antonia: mussels with fennel, white wine, garlic, and parsley ciabatta. Tiffany: polenta terrine with Italian sausage, roasted peppers, and kale. Everyone likes the family style. Someone thinks Carla’s soup could be found in Wisconsin. They love Tiffany’s dish, although Tom seems to have some rant about the sausage. They enjoy the fennel in Antonia’s mussels.

Dale, Tre, and Mike are up for the pasta course. Tre is emphasizing his vegetables in his risotto. Mike has to cook the pasta last minute, but it’s not cooked enough so he has to hope it cooks in the sauce. Mike: spicy calamari, fresh rigatoni, and tomato sauce. Dale: fresh pasta, pancetta, Brussels sprouts, chanterelle mushrooms, and pecorino Romano. Tre: grilled vegetable risotto, marinated tomatoes and fresh basil. Dale’s dish has no sauce, and all the ingredients were cooked separately and didn‘t meld. Dale had said he made it for his girlfriend, but Lorraine says if that had happened to her, he wouldn’t get laid. Hee. Tre shot himself in the foot, because the dish is not about the rice anymore. Mike’s pasta is not cooked. And he was told he could use dried pasta just in case he screwed up like this. Tony is flabbergasted that three professional chefs could fuck up a pasta course. “This is something you would find in a steam table at your worst enemy’s wedding.” Nice.

Angelo, Fabio, and Richard cook the last meat course. Richard says Fabio always looks like he won’t make it. He’s waited until the last half hour to cook his chicken. Angelo is trying to get advice from Fabio, who has miraculously produced delicious food. Fabio: polla alla cacciatore, polenta al pecorino. Angelo: sautéed pork chop, cherry peppers, green olives, tomatoes, pancetta. Richard: fresh pancetta cutlet, broccolini, pickled cherry tomatoes. You can make cutlets out of pancetta? But Fabio’s food sounds absolutely delicious. Angelo’s dish is busy and has a lot of sauce. Richard’s cutlet goes over well. Fabio’s polenta has redeemed Tony’s faith in humanity. Or something.

Commercial interlude: Mike schools everyone on making gnocchi. I guess that’s his “Top Chef University” class. Whatever. At the end of the lesson Angelo wanders into the kitchen and asks if something’s burning. Hee.

In the Stew Room Mike tells Tiffany he didn’t think her dish sounded like antipasti. Padma asks for Antonia, Carla, Fabio, and Tiffany. Mike of course doesn’t think he couldn’t possibly be in the bottom because Tiffany and Antonia didn’t do enough work. Richard wisely points out they wouldn’t call the bottom group 1st two episodes in a row. Of course Richard is right. Tiffany is tearing up. Her dish was wonderful. Antonia left her mussels largely alone. Carla’s soup had the cheese inside, which Lorraine loved. Fabio’s chicken was perfect, and his polenta was perfect too. The winner is Antonia. She knows his dad will be proud. Fabio says steamed mussels and fennel is French.

When Antonia gets back and says she won, Mike just stares at her with his mouth open like he’s stopped understanding English. It’s pretty great. There is a serious pause before they clap for her. Mike, Dale, and Tre are called out. Mike knows his pasta was bad, and claims to not be surprised to be in the bottom. Tony says if he’d used dried pasta, he wouldn’t be there. Tom thinks his pasta had too much egg. Dale’s pasta was also crumbly, or something, and Tom complains about not having sauce. Or it being cooked with the sauce. It was bland too. Tre’s risotto was too thick, to the point that Tom says it’s no longer risotto. Tre tries to come back with “if I had chosen a different dish, it would have spread out”. Really? Tom just said you should be able to scoop it out and it will spread out on the plate. Do you think he didn’t try that? On top of that the rice is buried in garnish.

The judges think Tre’s never eaten good risotto, and they discuss how most people make it too thick. Dale’s dish had potential, but it was so bland. Mike understood what he should do, but didn’t cook his pasta properly even though his sauce was fine.

I think Mike is standing in front of the judges with his eyes closed thinking “Please don’t pick me please don’t pick me please don’t pick me”. So they pick Tre. He says he represented his family, and he’s made new friends.

Next week: Jimmy Fallon, Carla is crazy, Antonia raps or something. Clicky clicky

Top Chef:All Stars 1/19/11--"Restaurant Wars: One Night Only"

Previously on “Top Chef: All Stars”: everyone had to fish and there were many lame fishing puns. And also groups. Carla won again, which was awesome, because making smoked fish lettuce wraps with bagel chips, with a view of New York, is a very good idea. Dale also made fish tacos, which is nice and casual. Richard, Marcel, and Fabio made one dish between the three of them, which was overly complicated (shocker), but then Tiffani and Jamie both made poor dishes, and ended up going home. (click for more)

Carla is proud of winning, and is glad to be one of 3 girls left. Richard is pretty cocky, because he’s only been on the bottom during team challenges. Antonia lets everyone know Carla and Tiffany refused to move into her room. Remember how Antonia was the Hammer in her season and everyone who was on a team with her got eliminated? She was on Tiffani and Jamie’s team last time. Heh. Last season, this season…crazy.

Everyone heads straight to Le Bernardin, awesome! Eric Ripert! But waiting for them is Tony. He describes the life of the butcher/fish person who breaks down the fish at Le Bernardin. Who needs 3 people to do his job when he goes on vacation. Who knows where this is going? They all go downstairs to the kitchen to meet Justo Thomas and watch him break down some fish. It’s awesome. Fabio claims to be moved to tears. Tony doesn’t patronize anyone, knowing and admitting they’ve all figured out what their task is for the Quickfire. Each person must cut up one cod and one fluke to “Le Bernardin” standards. Since Justo can do it in 8 minutes, they will have “the relatively luxurious time” of 10 minutes. Hee. Carla says “Woo hoo, I say to myself. Woo hoo.”

Tiffany says she knows how to do this, but maybe not nicely in such a short time. Marcel, apparently, used to be allergic to fish, but because he’s so damn awesome he just ignored the pain and now he’s not allergic to them anymore. That’s too bad. It would have been interesting to see him try to butcher the fish with swollen hands. Carla is slow, according to Mike. Fabio cuts through his thumbnail. As is required by this season’s contracts, he must mention Jamie.
Watching Justo check people’s filets is not exciting. He’s nice to everyone. Carla didn’t finish. Richard left some scales, Tre left some meat on the bones, Tiffany cut it “wrong”. Bottom: Carla, Fabio, Tiffany, Antonia. Tiffany is super embarrassed. Top: Dale, Richard, Mike, Marcel. Someone must win immunity, so the top four have 45 minutes to make something with the waste: heads, bones, etc. Nice. Richard has to ruin it though, by making it about using refuse and recycling and like, being a hippie tree hugger.

Mike is trying to borrow things from Marcel, I guess? And Marcel can’t fathom why he’d let anyone borrow anything from him or why they would ask. Mike just shrugs and says Marcel is a dick sometimes. Dale is totally cool with this challenge because he’s been doing this for forever. Mike isn’t worried about Marcel, but he knows it’ll be hard to beat Richard and Dale. Richard interviews that he used to be the “fish cook” at McDonald’s. He tries to pretend that sending out the Filet O’Fish without a top bun is “avant-garde” instead of “dumbass”. Marcel gets into the hippie “throwing away a life is wasteful” nonsense too. Not eating bones is not wasteful.

Richard: schnitzel of cod belly, ragout of braised collar and fried skin. Mike: pan roasted belly, confit cheeks, charred collar and tomato sauce. Dale: fluke back fin sashimi with cucumber and fluke liver sauce, and also bacon dashi with salt roasted cod collar. Marcel: cod mousseline, yuzu chili oil fluke broth. He feels the need to tell us that Tony tasted it wrong and didn’t get enough broth. Your excuses are old and tired.

Out in the dining room, everyone says they can’t guess who will win. Mike interviews that he just hopes Marcel doesn’t win because Marcel sucks. I smell an editor’s storyline. I mean, from what we’ve seen, Marcel is pretty obnoxious and a pain in the ass. I can figure that out on my own, though, I don’t need everyone to tell me in confessional.

Richard had good textures and flavors, Mike’s dish was light and delicious, Marcel was creative but had no texture, Dale had excellent variety and used the liver. The winner is Dale. He says he’s not going to slack.

Padma is waiting for them with Ludo Lefebvre, who was on Masters and also is very cute with short hair. He’s been working on some new concept called a “pop-up restaurant”, which is a restaurant that is only open for one night, or maybe a month. It uses existing kitchens, and allows a chef who maybe can‘t open his or her own place to get their name out and make some money. Or try out a concept without the risk of a big investment. It’s Restaurant Wars time! And all of them made it far enough that they’ve all experienced Restaurant Wars. And that’s when Dale and Tre were eliminated. Since Dale won the Quickfire, he gets to be one captain, but he also gets to pick the other captain. He picks Marcel, on the basis that he won’t work well with Marcel and wants him as far away as possible. Marcel, of course, is honored. Marcel picks first, and Richard demonstrates for us in confessional how he tried not to make eye contact so he wouldn’t get called on. Hee. He takes Angelo, who seems to be OK with it. Marcel’s team ends up being Angelo, Mike (who curses for us), Antonia, and Tiffany (she’s not super thrilled). Dale has Richard, Tre, Fabio (Dale can’t believe the other team wouldn’t snatch up his front-of-house mojo), and Carla. This time, the diners will decide who wins. Interesting.

Marcel says he tried to get the team with the most talent. They volunteer Tiffany for front of house, which she’s not really thrilled about because those are the people who tend to go home. Angelo works on her, saying she’s charming, which is true. Angelo is just slightly too awkward, and Mike is out, and Marcel is DEFINITELY out. Antonia could do it though. Tiffany eventually agrees. Dale is thinking about a market? Maybe? Marcel says “modern global cuisine” which is the most generic statement ever. Seriously. Angelo tries to take over, but Marcel tries to insist on getting a menu. They get distracted by details, and he gets pouty that they’re just supposed to be putting down ideas and they’ll decide at the end. Whatever. Pretty much what’s happening is no one respects Marcel, and my guess is they’re afraid of going home for his crappy leadership, so everyone is just ignoring him to decide what dishes they want to make. Mike is especially guilty of this. It’s pretty bad, and I’d feel bad but Marcel’s been kind of a jerk. Richard promises Fabio they’ll never abandon him with no food. Fabio says that Dale’s team is full of marathon runners, while Marcel’s team is full of sprinters, and cooking is a marathon. That actually is a very interesting analogy.

Back at the lofts they keep talking. Dale’s restaurant is “Bodega”, which seems casual and lowbrow. For example, I think Richard just said he was going to serve caviar with ranch dressing. “What your redneck cousin would get if he won the lottery”. Marcel wants to name his restaurant “Medi” because they all seem to be making Mediterranean flavors. Mike protests but the best he can come up with is that this name lacks “vision” because it’s just an abbreviation. That’s pretty weak, dude. Marcel tells him that the restaurant is named “Medi” until someone comes up with something better. Angelo tells him that if everyone else hates his name then he should do what they want. Yeah, but he’s the captain. You can’t demand he do what you want when we all know if you go down, you’re throwing him under the bus.

Everyone arrives at the restaurant they’re working in, but they’ve set up the kitchens outside on the patio. Interesting. 5 hours to prep. Marcel is worried about motivating everyone on this team. Team Bodega is making what seems to be homey traditional dishes with twists. I mean, you know Richard isn’t making “canned tuna”. Medi is making Mediterranean dishes, oxtail, gnocchi, fish. Marcel says something is a “reverse amuse” which is a small dessert, I guess.
Tom time! He comes to ask Marcel what is up. He and Mike are going to work the line, making entrees. Marcel says he’s working the line so that if someone screws up he can step in. Tom keeps at him, asking another question, but Marcel asks him to get lost so he can keep working. Tom interviews that Marcel’s energy is a weird energy. Dale’s dishes aren’t traditional bodega dishes, but it might be good. I think a bodega is a type of bar? Maybe? Tom tells everyone they have 1 hour left, and there will be one winner, who will get $10,000.

Fabio sets up the tables and greets the servers. He says he’ll deliver the 50% of the task that is not food. Marcel tells Tiffany how the eggs should be ice cold after cooking, because they’ll peel better, and some other stuff, and she just keeps saying “Yes” and mutters “Yes, chef, teach me how to cook an egg”. I mean…the eggs are in an immersion circulator. You could leave them in there all day and they’d be fine. She’s freaking out because she’s not doing her front of house stuff. She says she checked an egg and it was fine, but Marcel says they’re raw, so they need a new dish. He’s disappointed in his team. So they figure something else out, but Tiffany’s pissed because she should have just cooked the eggs the way she knows how to cook eggs. Marcel of course thinks the failure is because his team doesn’t listen to him. He thinks all his orders were “suggestions” but that in the end, Tiffany just can’t cook eggs. Why wasn’t she just making them herself in the first place? Why was she trying to use the immersion circulator and do whatever random stuff Marcel told her? Did he insist she do it that way? All I know is that no one is claiming responsibility. Mike tries to help Tiffany out, but she has to go meet the servers, and Angelo promises to take care of her dish. All of it is done but the egg yolks. I’m sure that’ll be important. Angelo is pissed because Marcel is insisting he include a foam. Bodega is pretty quiet, and has no issues, so Richard is worried. Fabio tells the servers to ask questions if they have any. Right before time is called Carla and Antonia (on opposing teams) wish each other good service.
OK, so it’s not Team Medi, but “Etch!!! Forever in your mind” which is possibly the lamest restaurant name in Top Chef history. Do you want your restaurant to have a name that sounds like the noise you make when you retch? Not a good idea. Dana Cowin is here but not eating with the judges. So instead of having the diners fill out cards, or something, and total scores (which is what I thought they were doing), instead the diners will eat at both restaurants. They’ll start in one and then switch to the other one, and pick which one they like best. Dale curses at the servers I guess because they’re too crowded around the pass. Fabio tells him to chill and to come to him with problems. Someone sends food back to Marcel’s team to be cooked more. Oops. Dana and her table trash Tiffany’s dish as she stands there. Not looking good. Which is unusual, because usually the team that looks like it will fail ends up winning. Fabio knows Dana must be kept happy, so he says “Dana, you about to have a date with me tonight”. Heh. It seems Dana likes Bodega’s concept better.

The judges show up to Bodega: Padma, Tom, Tony, and Ludo. Carla thinks they’ve hit their stride. Chips and herbs for snacks instead of bread. Richard: raw tuna belly and fried chicken skin with chilies and lime. It’s served in an oval metal can, which is why Richard was calling it “canned tuna”. Dale: bacon, egg, and cheese with homemade focaccia. It looks like a poached egg, a slice of bacon, and a thick slice of bread. Yum. Dale’s dish was easy but delicious, it seems. The tuna is great but some random guy complains the can makes it hard to eat. Fabio is checking in with the judges and directing the waiters, which Tom says no one has ever done before. Richard: chicken-fried codfish and “Brussels kraut”, which is Brussels sprouts cooked like sauerkraut. Tre: pork shoulder, grits with cheddar cheese, Corona and lime sauce. The pork shoulder is delicious and the sauce goes over well. I know I hate Corona itself but Corona sauce intrigues me. Richard’s dish is busy but it all works. Meanwhile over in the other restaurant, people are telling Tiffany they love the food. Fabio: amaretto cake with candied lemon peel and cappuccino mousse (yum). Carla: blueberry pie with dry milk ice cream. Tony fucking loves Fabio’s dish. Hee. Carla’s pie is good, but not necessarily something you crave over and over.

Tiffany has to explain the restaurant name to someone, and she’s not around to seat the judges. To their credit, there is a server who steps up and seats them so they’re not standing around forever. Back in the kitchen Marcel asks if they can talk more. Mostly Mike. Ludo notices that Tiffany is chatting with the guests, but not directing the waiters. Tom thinks it’s forced, as they can hear her laughing but not a lot of other people. Tiffany: frisee and shaved asparagus salad with egg and chorizo. Angelo: crudo of fluke, grapes, pink peppercorns, lemon zest. I am pretty sure she says Angelo’s dish is finished with “EVO”, which makes me think of Rachael Ray and…you’re better than that. Tiffany’s dish is under seasoned and not that great. Tom wishes the fish was the star in the crudo. A guest sends back some food because everything is cold. Marcel tells Mike to put plates directly on the grill so they’re hot. Yeah, that’s not the best idea. Mike and Marcel get in a fight because Marcel tells Mike “I got it” and I guess Mike takes offense to his tone. Angelo tells them to chill out, and says in confessional that if this was his actual restaurant he’d send Mike home to cool off. Marcel: roasted monkfish with kalamata olives, pepperonata, and parsley. Mike: braised pork belly and octopus with cannellini beans. The monkfish is mushy. Well, some random people like it but Tony calls it baby food. Mike’s dish goes over well. Back in the kitchen Marcel accuses Mike of sandbagging the monkfish to focus on his own dish. Angelo tells them both they’re affecting everyone negatively with their stupid argument, and Marcel claims they totally understand that, because they’re moving forward, so no more comments from the peanut gallery. Angelo just laughs. Antonia, who has said like two words this entire episode, just looks on. Smart girl. Antonia: ricotta gnudi, braised oxtail ragout, arugula and lemon zest. Mike and Angelo: slow cooked lamb chop, cauliflower puree, turmeric and honey. Antonia’s dish is too salty for Padma, but Tony loved it. The lamb has good flavors. Antonia is expediting, but Marcel disagrees with whatever she says, so she shuts him down. Much more politely than Marcel told Angelo to back off. Marcel: duo of peaches--unripened peach and sweet peach with coconut powder and foam. It’s smoking, of course. Tiffany throws Marcel under the bus and says that she “guesses” this is Marcel’s dish but multiple people have had their hands in it. Tony hates it. Fabio kisses hands and schmoozes. Love him. Marcel tries to be cocky, but Antonia is like, let’s be real here and not pretend we are awesome. She thinks he’s on drugs if he believes they did a great job. Marcel calls her “Debbie Downer” and gets pissed and then asks her what her problem is. Yeah.

Commercial interlude: Dale talks about his season and how he totally lost it and cursed up a storm during Restaurant Wars. In contrast, Fabio loves Restaurant Wars and managed to collect someone’s phone number.

Padma collects Marcel’s’ team first. Richard is upset. He shouldn’t be upset, though, because only 17 out of 76 diners (!) liked Etch better than Bodega. Damn, those are crappy numbers. Marcel claims last minute dish changes and pick-ups sunk them. Tom knows they didn’t have a plan to execute their food. Antonia felt a lack of togetherness and calm, and Angelo thinks someone should have organized the kitchen. No one will say who should have done that, which is telling. Angelo’s dish wasn’t Mediterranean enough, but there was too much going on anyway aside from the fish. Mike’s pork belly wasn’t flavorful enough, and the octopus needed char. Antonia’s was actually salty. Tony calls Marcel out on the foam, which he says was his way of getting parsley flavor into the dish. Tom wonders aloud if this is the best way to get the parsley flavor. There was no texture. Also no one liked the peaches. Tiffany lost flavor in her dish. And then Tom starts in on the service, and Tiffany immediately throws everyone else under the bus and says that when there are arguments on the line, it’s hard to control and then the waiters are all in the kitchen and not in the dining room. Oh, snap. Tom, who is no dummy, asks what the arguments are about, and Tiffany says “Oh, oh no” because she’s realizing what she just started. Mike, pretty calmly actually, explains that he and Marcel got into it because he didn’t like how Marcel was talking to him, Marcel didn’t like how he was doing the fish, and eventually Angelo stepped in and then they were fine. Marcel complains that Mike wouldn’t talk to him and tell him when things would be ready. Mike is like, I kept my mouth shut but it’s ON now, and calls Marcel on plating desserts during pick-up, and because Marcel can’t do two things at once, no wonder everything was jacked. Marcel’s comeback is that Mike moves too slowly because he hasn’t worked the line enough recently, so Mike responds that Marcel did a poor job but no one wanted to say anything because he’s a “time bomb”. Tiffany tries to calm them, but I don’t know why, because it’s not going to work. Marcel feels he was a good leader because he told everyone how not to screw up their dishes. Antonia tells the judges that Marcel needed to step up and say “This is what we’re doing” and he did not do this. Well, he tried, but no one listened to him though. He’s bossy and obnoxious. Angelo cuts though everything and says he’s embarrassed, they acted like children and not professionals. Tom looks like he has a headache. Padma knows the kitchen atmosphere leaks into dinner service.

Marcel tells the other team they’re top, so Richard can stop worrying. Heh. He just takes a deep breath. Marcel is less of an ass about it than he was last episode to Carla when she won. Antonia needed someone to be in charge, but Marcel can’t force anyone to do anything, and he did try, in his own asshat way. Tom tells Bodega they killed it. Richard claims to be “technical advisor” while Dale was “executive chef”. The potato chips were Richard’s idea, and he helped everyone elevate their dishes. Fabio’s service was fantastic. Dale’s dish was “stoner food at its finest” per Tony. They loved Tre’s dish with the flavors. Carla’s dish worked with the rest of the menu. The winner is Richard. He’s shocked, because usually the team leader wins.

Antonia’s dish was too salty. Period. Marcel’s dessert was horrid, and he didn’t manage anyone. People sent Mike’s lamb back, and the pork belly was disappointed. Angelo’s dish was boring and not about the fish. Tony thinks Angelo saw the problems in the kitchen but kept his head down and didn’t say anything. Tiffany’s service wasn’t great, she didn’t direct the waiters, and her dish had no flavor. Tony feels prison breaks have more teamwork. And once again someone from Antonia’s team is going home.

Tom not only reminds everyone of why their dishes were bad, but tells Angelo and Mike they should have stepped up and lead. Marcel is sent home. Good. Of course he’s shocked he went home and doesn’t think he made any mistakes. Except for picking the wrong team. Then he claims he’s the most “notorious, diabolical contestant” which is certainly not true. He’s an asshat. Oh, but he’s a nice guy. Nice guys don’t threaten Dale and pretend to be gangster.

Next week: Italian guys, maybe, Tiffany burns things, someone’s not getting laid. Clicky clicky

Top Chef:All Stars 1/12/11--"We're Gonna Need a Bigger Boat"

Previously on “Top Chef: All Stars”: the chefs had to make a dish in less time than it takes Tom to make a dish, which is under 10 minutes and I wish they’d made everyone cook against him, like a head-to-head battle or something. Because you know Tom would pwn them all. Anyway, Jamie and Dale completely fail at finishing, but Mike apparently is good at cooking quickly, and wins a car. Then everyone has to make dim sum, and this causes stress because everyone is carefully plating and making everything perfect. Not fast enough. People go hungry and walk out and mob the food when it does show up and basically it’s chaos. Dale, who keeps his cool and puts out food faster than most other people, also put out tasty food and is the winner. I know everyone wanted Jamie to go, because she failed again, but you could eat her food, while Casey’s chicken feet were inedible, so Casey was sent home. (click for more)

Jamie says she fully expected to go home instead of Casey. Antonia says they all think so. Marcel complains about Dale, somehow, but he doesn’t make any sense. I think he is accusing Dale of only cooking the judges’ portions? Wasn’t Dale putting out 12 plates at a time?

Back at the apartment, while the girls go to sleep like smart people, the boys sit around on the roof in their wifebeaters while Marcel yells at them that he’s not sure how it worked in their seasons, but in his season, he embraced the challenges and cooked for the people. He continues to accuse Dale of not making enough portions, and he’s like, standing up waving his arms around trying to be intimidating. Marcel is not intimidating. Shut up, Marcel. Dale is not “crying about it” and your “gangster” hand gestures and lunging only serve to highlight how white you are. Dale interviews that he’s proud of how he didn’t start anything with Marcel, but left the roof instead. Tre interviews that he’s beginning to see that Marcel is an asshole.

Everyone has to get up super early and go to the Top Chef kitchen, only to discover a wooden “Gone Fishin” sign, a map, and a note. They couldn’t have sent the note to the apartment like every other reality show ever? Tiffani jumps up and down because it’s pretty obvious they’re actually going fishing.

No Quickfire today, just an Elimination challenge. You have 5 hours to catch whatever you can, then cook it on the beach for 200 people. That’s a lot of people. Also they have to work in 4 teams of three. Antonia ends up on a team with Jamie and Tiffani, and she interviews that the last time she was on their team, it was “the most horrific team ever”. Luckily Dale and Marcel are separated. Tom also says it’s a double elimination today.

Team 2 (Mike, Angelo, Tiffany) and Team 4 (Marcel, Fabio, Richard) board their boat. Angelo hates the water because he’s terrified of sharks. He won’t even go in pools. Weird. Fabio says he’s an awesome fisherman. Team 1 (Dale, Carla, Tre) and Team 3 (Antonia, Jamie, Tiffani) are also getting ready to fish, on another boat. Dale seems to be the first to catch something. I’d care more about this challenge, but having seen it before on “Next Iron Chef” I can’t care that much. Also because I know in that situation, if you didn’t catch anything you could use like, sardines and bait for your dish. Antonia catches one and screams and jumps around. That boat seems to be doing pretty well. The other boat is failing. Carla tries to yell to the other boat that they have a ton of fish, but they don’t fall for it. It might be because they’re like, holding the fishing rods upside down and moving them around up and down. Finally they start catching things, actual fairly large fish. Once someone hooks something, the procedure is apparently to have them sit in the chair while other people hold the fishing rod steady. Richard acknowledges that “sitting in Marcel’s lap, holding his rod” is a bad thing. Hee. Dale pulls a ridiculously large bass out of the water and compares it to Marcel. That is a 37 pound fish. I find it very interesting that everyone is catching striped bass and nothing else. Fabio is worried as his team wants to only do one dish.

30 minutes and $150 to shop at the farmer’s market. Oh, this meal should be fantastic. The freshest fish and the farmer’s market. There is no excuse for this meal sucking. Antonia says Richard and Fabio are having a bromance. Normally I hate the use of the word “bromance” but I think I’ll allow it in this instance. Carla tells us that she caught some bluefish, which is oily. So I guess people caught something other than striped bass. Tiffani is planning to keep distance from Jamie.

So now they are back at the apartments…I thought they were going to cook right then? So everything is a day old? Stupid. Tre tells us his wife gave him permission to not miss him. His family is so cute.

2 hours to cook, outside on grills and hotplates. The editing is cut to make it seem like Jamie is doing nothing but complaining about the sand and the sun and whatever. Her team is each doing their own thing. Carla is making sure to get rid of the bloodline in her fish. Marcel’s team has put Fabio up front so he could schmooze everyone, and they also have him prepping vegetables. Fabio knows his prep work is crucial to the success of the dish. Marcel had the idea to only do one dish, but that one dish has like 7 things, so Richard is concerned. Tiffany is feeling the pressure as she works in a seafood restaurant.

Tom time! He tries to make Marcel’s team nervous, but it only works on Richard. Dale is using tortillas he bought. Tom is really fucking with people today. He leaves a string of nervous chefs in his wake, all second-guessing themselves.

Richard harasses Fabio, which, I think he is moving as fast as he can. Mike gloats about it, for some reason. Last minute flailing. Everyone shows up at once.

The judges show up and claim bright pink cocktails. I wish Tony was here. Instead we have Kerry Heffernan, who is a chef and also Tom’s fishing buddy. Fabio, Richard, and Marcel: sea bass, succotash, corn puree, tomato confit, concord gastrique and jamon air. That is a lot of things. “Gastrique” is a sauce and “jamon air” I believe is ham foam. Stupid foam. Dale: fish taco with bass, corn and avocado relish, crème fraiche, radishes, and cabbage. Carla: smoked blue fish lettuce wrap, pickled watermelon rind, radishes, bagel croutons. Tre: striped sea bass with gazpacho salad, tomato and avocado. That sounds good. Fabio’s team has a very busy dish, which does not seem to go over well. The fish tacos are tasty, as is Carla’s smoked fish. Tre cooked his fish well.

Jamie: striped bass, watermelon salad, with fresh dill, shaved radishes, and cucumber water. She’s been searing her fish in a pan, and she says they’ve been sticking. Tiffani: smoked blue fish with tomato, roasted corn, and zucchini ribbon salad. Antonia: open faced porgy po boy with Old Bay mayo and cabbage slaw. She discusses with Tom about porgys and how they have a smaller yield than other fish. Tiffany, Angelo, and Mike: pickled blue fish, spicy watermelon, shallots, red chilies, potatoes, and oil. They also made striped bass with corn puree, tomato, aleppo spice rub and watermelon. Aleppo is a kind of pepper. The pickled fish is nice but some random person doesn’t like the potatoes. Gail thinks there’s something off about the other dish from that team. Jamie’s “cucumber water” is kind of pointless. They like Antonia’s use of the porgy. Tiffani’s dish lacks acidity and finish. Tom and Gail approach some random table to find out what they liked. Mike tries to hook Angelo up with some random girls.

Commercial interlude: everyone compares their competitors to fish. Mike is gassy so would be a blowfish, Tre is one of those fish that buries themselves on the floor, and Angelo is a mermaid. Hee.

Dale, Carla, Tre, Tiffany, Mike, and Angelo are called up first. These are the winners. The winner of the challenge gets to go to Amsterdam. Tiffany and Angelo cooked the bass perfectly. Mike made sauce, and I guess it doesn’t get any extra praise. Gail tells Dale the crowd went crazy for his taco. Hee. It was perfectly suited to the environment. Carla was very creative and it worked. Carla wins! Yay!

When they all get back to the Stew Room, Marcel refuses to congratulate Carla because he knows now that he’s on the bottom. No, really, that’s what he tells her. Asshat. Pretend to be glad for like 30 seconds. Marcel claims his team’s dish came about “organically” when it seemed like he told Richard and Fabio what they were doing. Richard wanted to do one dish really well, instead of 3 average dishes. Fabio says they were pushing each other, but Tom finds this a trust issue. They went for a restaurant dish, that ended up muddled and too much for the beach. It also sounds like they were given a dish to serve in, and then served it in something else? I’m not sure why or why that was a problem. Antonia’s dish was absolutely delicious, but her teammates dragged her down so she couldn’t win. Harsh. Jamie added water to cucumbers, to make cucumber water. Because apparently cucumbers don’t have enough water in them already. After the fish, the rest of her dish didn’t taste like anything but water. Tiffani left the bloodline in her fish. Oops. Gail demands that Antonia pass judgment on her teammates’ dishes. Oh, that’s mean. Antonia says she tasted parts but not whole dishes, and then Padma asks if she’d tasted them, if that would have made a difference. So…you want her to admit she would have left them to screw up? What is going on with this question? It puts Antonia in tears, and she says she doesn’t want to see anyone go home, so I guess now no one wants to hear an answer from her.

Tiffani left the bloodline in her fish, and her dish wasn’t refined. Jamie’s dish was bland and too light. The boys needed to edit, and they seem to feel Fabio didn’t contribute enough to the dish. I agree with Fabio, who was going to do all that prep work? And I didn’t hear anyone blaming uneven knife cuts for that dish failing. Gail agrees, and says Richard and Marcel were responsible for the concept of the dish, and should be blamed. Both Richard and Marcel were responsible for parts of the dish that failed.

Tom makes sure to tell Antonia that if she’d helped out her teammates, she wouldn’t have ended up in the bottom. Padma sends Jamie home, finally, but also Tiffani. Boo. Tiffani says she enjoyed her time and she’s’ different from her season. Jamie stands behind her dish, and she’s OK if they didn’t like it. Jamie wouldn’t change it for anything. Tiffani is going home to her girlfriend.

Next week: restaurant wars! Everyone argues and Tony is back! Clicky clicky