Top Chef 6/18/08--"Reunion" summary

It’s reunion show time! Woo! Oh, when will “Top Chef” learn from “Project Runway” and not let Andy Cohen anywhere near them? I dislike him so much.(click for more)

First things first: Richard isn’t at the reunion. It looks like they filmed this soon after the finale because his wife hasn’t given birth yet, and he’s at home with her. Andy starts by replaying the moment Stephanie wins. She’s so cute. She says it didn’t feel real. Ted says she always looked like she was about to be killed, until something good happened. Andy asks how shocked everyone was when Richard said he choked, so we have to watch that. Gail was surprised he said it, but Tom and Ted agree that it’s Richard’s personality to do something like that. Antonia nods. Now we have to let Lisa talk about how she was confident and did she think she won? Oh, I’m OK with losing to Stephanie. Whatever. Tom asks a good question of Stephanie: would you rather be “winner of season 4”? Or “first female Top Chef”? Good question. Stephanie would rather just be the winner of season 4, she doesn’t want people to think she won just because she’s a girl. She’s going to open a restaurant with the money. Yay!

Viewer question time! What is it like watching yourselves? Any regrets? Oh, you might as well have tacked the LISA on the end of that. Dale wouldn’t have made scallops in butterscotch sauce. Padma says she regrets that too. Hee. Jen wishes she hadn’t said “phallus” so much and made smaller croutons. Heh. She says Padma’s face was priceless. Andy prompts them to keep talking, and Spike says the bath was too hot. Andy of course if very interested in cute boys in the bath together, even though Mark plays it down. Ted declares it “man soup” and says “Nice”. (Me and Kmanpat: “Agreed.“) Then he uses the horrid word “bromance”. Ugh, it’s Ben and Ronnie all over again. Stop forcing your fantasies on us. We get the clip of them in the tub together. Spike is sculpting things out of bubbles. Now…Dale and Richard? Huh? Dale is in the kitchen, announcing that “someone” watched him put lotion on this morning. Shot of Dale in the bathroom rubbing himself and sticking his tongue out. Right. Cut back to the kitchen and Richard telling him he has gorgeous nipples. Dale jokes about it. These reunion shows just get stupider every year. Now we have Andrew and Spike, and I don’t remember them flirting at all, just sharing a brain, which isn’t the same thing. (Kmanpat: “Hey, we share a brain!” Me: “Speak for yourself, but I have all of my brain.”) I don’t know that this is a “bromance” so much as it is dorks finding like minded dorks. Then Andrew contradicts me by saying that while he isn’t gay he’d let Spike bang him. I missed Andrew’s nonsensical sound bites. Back in the studio, Mark says he got married (dang) and that he’ll be in the country for a while.

Now we have to talk about the real relationship of Jen and Zoe. Do we get to count all the times Jen said she was doing it for Zoe? They tried to be fair and not support each other too much. Some viewer asked how they felt about Spike’s attitude, and Jen said that on the show they had no idea. Spike of course claims he has no problems, and Andy is quick to remind him that he said he thought they had an unfair advantage. Well…that’s not the same as saying you have a problem with their relationship. Zoe thinks they both would have been better had the other one not been there. Now, respond to the internet rumors that you’ve split up! Far, far too long of a pause. Jen finally says they’ve gone through some “bumps” and Zoe refuses to discuss it. Translation: We split up.

Someone says Spike was their favorite because he “played the game”. If by “play the game” you mean “be an asshat”, then I agree. Andy makes us watch the asshattery. They leave out the parts where it totally backfires on him. Stephanie says she’s worked with cocky a**holes, but in the end he’s trying to win. A few people think he might win fan favorite, but since they just featured him in a montage, I’m going to say no.

Montage of people’s nightmares. Apparently people were having nightmares about the show. Dale had one about lamb, Richard’s told he’s on the bottom before he knows the challenge, Spike is wandering the store with no idea what is going on. Didn’t that really happen? Jen dreams that Tom is staring her down, and there’s this great shot of Tom with this dead-eyed stare, all creepy. Richard dreamed he was having sex with his wife and Mark walked in. Hee. Mark refuses to share. All of them say they still have nightmares. They all woke up terrified every day, every time. A lot of them had watched the show, but the reality was super different. Generally that’s how that works.

Andy says that some of them would say anything to try to save a bad dish, and by “some of them” he means “Ryan”. Montage of Ryan babbling and everyone looking irritated. I do kind of remember that. Various contestants say he talks a lot. That fade-in and fade-out edit they do to make it seem like a person talked for hours. He won’t answer Andy’s questions. Ha.

Some viewer asks about “the curse of Casey”, and I’m not sure what that means. Andy agrees with the viewer that this curse was passed onto Antonia. Antonia doesn’t know what they’re talking about either. People are clapping. OH! I remember. Any time Casey would say that a person was her best friend, that person would get eliminated. Montage. Lisa fills us in that Antonia’s nickname is “The Black Hammer”. The difference here is that when you have a season with so many team challenges, being on her team was the kiss of death. Andy tries to start a fight by asking Valerie if she thought Antonia threw her under the bus by saying she’d hire Stephanie over her, and she said she did at the time. And then we never mention it again. Andy discovers several people who think Antonia could be fan favorite. You fools! We just had her montage!

Now we have to tolerate another “viewer” question. I put “viewer” in quotes because she asks what the Stew Room is. Are you kidding me? How can you watch the show and not know what the Stew Room is? Andrew sums it up nicely in two quotes: “the fifth level of hell”, and “the dirtiest, nastiest bar ever with people you may or may not like.” Montage of Stew Room outtakes. They aren’t that great, although I think the contestants are playing Scattergories, or something, because Stephanie is asking for “things you find at the zoo.” To which Antonia replies “Hookers.” Hee! Now they’re wrapping Mark in saran wrap. And hiding in a hot box and shouting about cooking hobbits. Oh wait, Tony Bourdain outtakes! “Are we over?” “No, then we have to smash the hopes and dreams of the losers.” Tony should be on more. Mark playing on a giant roll of plastic like a didgeridoo and the judges looking over that way confused. Andy reveals that in between camera changes and during down time Gail took naps. New montage of judges being super critical and saying mean tings about everyone. Nothing new. But it’s kind of fun.
Reader question: who is the toughest judge to impress? Spike jumps in and says Tony Bourdain: he’s well spoken and quick with the words. Agreed.

Now we have the part of the show where the contestants get to challenge the judges on whatever they want. Lisa asks if her groom’s cake was really that ugly. Yes. Yes it was. A question about the scales Richard left on his fish, and why that got by. Apparently not everyone had scales, but everyone had the nasty mushrooms Zoe made. I think it was Zoe. Tom says he’ll stand by all decisions. However, Tom wasn’t around when Dale got eliminated, and as it turns out, he disagreed with the decision. But he’s quick to clarify that based on what he saw, he disagrees: Lisa screwed up two dishes, Dale screwed up one. Ted asks Dale if he feels wronged, and Dale says when he screws up a dish in the restaurant it’s on his head. He’s OK with it.

Now is the time to call Lisa to task for her bitchy attitude. Back in the studio she seems to be amused. People are giving her nasty looks on the street. Shocking. Apparently she was at some party and these two girls, after watching her for a while, finally came over and said they were afraid to introduce themselves because she looked like such a bitch. Oh, you laugh now. But she said “looked” not “seem”. It makes me think that she was standing there scowling and not inviting anyone to talk to her. She goes on to say that in the “real world” she has no problems taking criticism, as long as you tell her why. Then Andy makes Andrew talk about how Lisa threw him under the bus. He says he was disappointed because to him it was desperation and unnecessary. Lisa agrees and says she regretted it, but does not say she apologized. Well, that was a bust. No one called her on anything. P.S., I could totally afford to eat at your restaurant, not that I ever will, so bite me.

Andrew montage! Everyone thinks he’s on drugs! But first he says that there’s a lot of talk about ADD and that’s so odd because he hasn’t played Advanced Dungeons and Dragons for years. Ha! Such a goofball. Ryan says that if he was on drugs he couldn’t come up with the stuff Andrew does. He sings while prepping. Lots of flailing. Getting stuck in the football helmet, which was so great. And we finish with the culinary boner. Somehow Andy must share that he thinks there’s something between Andrew and Gail. No one cares that much.

According to Andy it’s a “Top Chef tradition” that they make a T-shirt each season with a quote. Did they make one last year? I only remember “I’m not your bitch, bitch!” Oh, and they had “Oh, big time!” for CJ, even though he never really said it that much that we saw. I guess season 2 didn’t really say anything they wanted to put into print. Andy tells Spike to reveal this season’s shirt, which he does by stripping. “I have a culinary boner”. Well, that’s good and inappropriate. Could Andrew be the fan favorite? “I have a f***ing T-shirt!” Indeed.

Top Chef fights. Blah. #4: Dale vs. Spike, when they had that team challenge when Dale did all the work and Spike called him a little bitch. #3: Lisa vs. Dale, the stupid argument they had about the rice. #2: Lisa vs. Andrew, when she threw him under the bus. #1: the melee of Spike, Antonia, and Jen, after Zoe lost, with a little Lisa/Dale thrown in for good measure. Andy was confused by the last fight. Why? It makes sense. Jen says she was in the middle of the fight and all of a sudden Dale is fighting and she was confused. Antonia is left to explain to Andy, who apparently doesn’t watch the show.

Several comments about the amount of swearing, from viewers who use the phrase “toilet mouths” and for some reason think people who swear shouldn’t touch their food. Montage of cursing, but it’s all bleeped so it’s no fun. But Andrew says “Cheers, bitches” and they leave it alone. Dale says his mom called him because all of her church was rooting for him and he cursed a lot. Padma was shocked at the stuff that happened backstage. They all vented during confessionals, because the producers is unbiased, so that’s where a lot of the cursing took place. Tom just reminds them that they need to think about if this is how they want to be portrayed.

Andy says Richard is close to coming on, so now is the montage of “our Willy Wonka”. Oh, the peach and sweet tea glazed pizza. I have to say, that sounded really weird but also I really want to try it and I don’t like peaches. Now we get a live feed of Richard. He’s all tired because I guess his wife went into false later last night. He’s just opened a new restaurant in Atlanta. Now he’s forced to talk about telling Dale he had gorgeous nipples. And he doesn’t really say anything, so now he explains that at the end he over thought, forced some things, and just didn’t make it. He knows the final challenge he didn’t make the best meal of his life, and he doesn’t seem to regret saying that. Andy says Bravo got Richard a baby gift, and he should open it now. Andrew asks if it’s a culinary boner t-shirt. No, just a “Top Chef” onesie. Aww. Barf.

Fan Favorite time! Everyone speculates. Tom says Lisa won’t win. Heh. Stephanie wins! She says dinner and drinks are on her. Andy is like, this never happens! There have only been 4 seasons. I don’t think they had fan favorite the first season, possibly not the second. Shut up, Andy. Stephanie montage, with everyone talking about how awesome she is.

Advice for next season. Nothing you couldn’t guess at. They make Tom say this is the most talented group of chefs ever. Woo! We’re done! Thanks to everyone for reading all season! I’ll be back with “Project Runway” and possibly a few comments on “Shear Genius”. See you later!
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Top Chef 6/11/08--"Finale pt. 2" summary

Previously on Top Chef: The final 4 went to Puerto Rico to cook fritters and also whole pigs. Richard made wonderful dishes and won a car. Stephanie recovered nicely from Dale leaving her pork belly out on a shelf overnight, and she was also in the top. Antonia and Lisa did not do so well, but in what seems to be the theme of the season, Lisa survives to cook in the final. I get that she seems to be lucky, and also that other people screw up at the exact wrong time. I mean, I understand things like getting rid of Dale. That’s fine and all but it doesn’t stop me from not liking her. I’ve found one single blog that defends her. One. And it really just says not to judge her based on what we see on TV. To which I say, reality television has been around long enough that you have to know there’s the chance you will look bad. Also I don’t feel the need to be nice because Lisa’s been quoted in an interview as saying she doesn’t read blogs because she doesn’t care about what people who can’t afford to eat at her restaurant think of her. Also that none of us know anything about food. Who exactly do you think reads blogs? Could it be that some of them might have money and know food? You can dismiss bloggers and claim you don’t read about yourself because it’s upsetting, but it’s probably not a good idea to insult them, especially since they don’t really like you to begin with. In addition I would eat ramen noodles for a month if it meant I could eat at Perilla.
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Also we’re reminded of how Lisa demanded congratulations from Richard and Stephanie after Antonia had left. You can’t be all, “I’m not here to make friends, everyone has a negative attitude” and then whine about how no one likes you.

In the morning the final 3 sit outside to have breakfast. It looks like eggs benedict. Mmm. Also mimosas. Stephanie wants to be the first female Top Chef. Richard wants the money for his family, and he says Lisa has a bad attitude and isn’t a leader, and doesn’t deserve to win. Lisa at least knows she just barely made it by the skin of her teeth, but she feels that even though Richard and Stephanie have won far more challenges than she, she’s about to beat them.

Everyone goes to meet Padma, Tom, and April Bloomfield, Dan Barber, and Eric Ripert. Eric Ripert shouldn’t still be bleaching his hair. Everyone is suitably impressed. Tom announces the final challenge, which shouldn’t be too surprising: 4 course meal, tasting portions, traditional sequence: fish, poultry, meat, dessert. Yes, Tom says, you must do a dessert. Lisa says she doesn’t eat cake. Each of the famous chefs has different proteins in front of them, so I guess when you pick your sous chef you pick your proteins. Padma says the original plan was to have the chef that won the most elimination challenges pick first, but after Richard won this last time there’s a tie between him and Stephanie so the knife block makes one last appearance. Stephanie gets to go first, so she takes Eric. Richard picks Dan, which leaves Lisa with April. They have 3 hours today and 4 hours tomorrow to cook and will serve head to head.

Lisa is going back to Asian, because she is “naturally pretty damn good” at it. April does not cook Asian, but Lisa has a plan so she‘s not concerned. Lisa is thrilled to work with her and says their personalities are really similar. She seems like she’s in a much better mood today. Richard’s concept is his “journey” which means classical training plus molecular gastronomy. He claims he doesn’t know what he’s doing since they just got the challenge, but he should have been thinking of possible dishes ever since he went home. Dan says he has no idea what all Richard has going, but he doesn’t think Richard does either. Stephanie is keeping the balance, and Eric seems to approve. The sous chefs tease each other, since it’s been a while since they’ve followed anyone else’s directions. Stephanie hovers but quickly learns that Eric knows what he’s doing. Much cooking. Richard has brought liquid nitrogen as his “special ingredient”. So he can make Tabasco sauce ice cream for oysters. Or something. Awesome. Lisa says that’s not her, she cooks simple food with minimal ingredients, but I have to say that Asian food can have very long ingredient lists. Eric seems interested and Richard points out, rightly so, that being able to teach Eric Ripert something is f***ing cool. Stephanie notices that Lisa is getting along with April, which she finds odd because Lisa has had serious problems getting along with everyone, “as some people might remember.“ Hee. Lisa says if you’re happy your food tastes better. How have you gotten this far then? Also her tone of voice as she says she gets along with April implies the other two are arguing, which they don’t seem to be doing. At the end of the day, Richard hasn’t finished anything. Stephanie says she’ll just do the best she can, while Lisa says she’s been waiting for this. She sounds more confident than Stephanie, which bodes well if you can believe the editing.

In the morning none of the sous chefs are around, but everyone seems to just start working anyway. Tom comes by to tell them that the sous chefs are not coming, and that the judges want to make sure they “live and die by [their] own hand”. That…seems to be unnecessarily evil. I mean, would it be so much worse if they told them up front that the sous chefs would only be there one day? They all are used to chefs not showing up to work, although Richard implies that he’d fire a chef that did that. Lisa’s personality is in your face spicy and bold. Right. The most interesting thing on her menu is black Thai rice pudding. Richard is making bacon ice cream. And his banana scallops. Again. Also, bacon ice cream’s been done. He’s telling a story, although without the oysters and Tabasco ice cream he was talking about yesterday. Stephanie has ricotta pound cake which sounds really good. Given the choice she’d rather not have dessert.

Tom tries to ask Richard about what’s going on, and not only does Richard make it clear that he’s super busy right now, but he won’t give Tom any solid answers. Stephanie has only tried her pound cake once before but it was very good. Lisa is calm. Tom thinks Richard might be doing too much, Lisa’s attitude could help her, Stephanie should have known she’d need a dessert and should have worked it more than once. Richard tells us that if you use liquid nitrogen to make ice cream, it doesn’t make ice crystals so it’s super good. Actually, that makes sense. He insists it’s not just about the show. Stephanie says her cake sucks. Lisa tells her that she’s said that before and won, so shut up. Lisa then interviews that Stephanie is too hard on herself. It just feels…fake. Like, I get that when people say they suck, and then win things, that’s really annoying. But saying that you’re annoyed because she sells herself short and actually is awesome, rather than that her modesty is annoying to you? Richard makes a comment about how tense it is, Stephanie agrees, and Lisa is like, tense? I’m not tense! And Richard is like, whatever. She says she just wondered why no one was talking and Richard rolls his eyes. Richard plates with giant tweezers and says he’s the best here. Lisa wants to be the first female Top Chef. Stephanie is not as concerned about the money as the title.

The sous chefs are at dinner, talking about following other peoples’ directions for once. The three finalists come out to meet all of the diners: the sous chefs, Alfredo Ayala, Tim Zagat (!), Gail, Ted, Tom. Richard goes first to explain himself: he’s named all the courses. Of course. This meal is about his journey. Lisa has Vietnamese and Thai. Somehow it will shock people. Stephanie likes mixing up proteins and flavors. Also she likes fruit. (Kmanpat: “Yay fruit!”)

Fish course: grilled prawns with chili basil sauce and crab, and homemade potato chips from Lisa; seared red snapper over truffled clam and asparagus broth, with asparagus salad from Stephanie; scallop with mango and pineapple vinegar from Richard (which is titled “You Are Here“). Dan says he doesn’t even recognize Richard’s dish. Zagat wants it simpler. Lisa’s texture is good, but the sauce is really strong. Stephanie’s is elegant and has a delicate flavor. It seems to be the best.

Poultry course: tom kha gai (coconut soup with chicken) and dumplings from Lisa; seared quail breast over lobster ravioli, mango lobster sauce, and quail egg from Stephanie. “Which Came First?” from Richard, which is guinea hen, sous vide chicken egg, and foie gras. Richard’s ingredients kind of blend together, although it‘s complex. Lisa’s soup was delicious and everyone seems to want more. Stephanie seasoned her food well, but the leeks are undercooked and irrelevant.

Meat course: Lisa has Wagyu beef marinated in coriander oyster sauce, chayote and cucumber salad, hot sauce and garlic chips. Stephanie: lamb and maitake mushrooms, braised pistachios, blackberry and olive tapenade. Pickled radishes, mirin broth, and pork belly from Richard, titled “Be the Bacon“. Richard’s food isn’t seasoned, and his pickled radish is the most flavorful thing. It’s not crispy. Yeah, shouldn’t pork belly be crispy? Lisa’s beef isn’t tender and the sauce is really sweet, in that it’s the prawn sauce, just sweeter. Stephanie’s dish is surprising. Everyone wanted to hate the olives but they all love it. Eric points out that they’re using the word “love”. Stephanie wins this round.

Dessert course: black Thai rice pudding with lime and mango cream, crispy taro sticks, and caramelized coconut from Lisa; ricotta pound cake with tropical fruit and banana cream from Stephanie; Richard’s “You Are Still Here” is a banana scallop (again) and bacon ice cream. OK, points for tying the two “scallops” together. Everyone seems tired of the chips from Lisa, but it kind of works. Richard’s dessert works also. Eric enigmatically comments that you can be playful only after you have your flavors down. Stephanie’s dessert was OK but not exciting. They welcome the finalists out to thank them and give applause. Tom talks about their journeys and whatnot.

At Judges’ Table Tom says the finalists delivered exactly what they expected. And also there were some missteps. The loser gong greets all three. Richard is up first. He says the first course should wake up your palate, but everyone thought it was under seasoned. Lisa had a very assertive hot dish. Tom wants to know her intention, was that on purpose, and she says it was. Stephanie had a beautiful presentation and everyone loves it. You’ll notice that even now Lisa has her arms crossed and is scowling, even though she just got praise. Richard’s second dish got muddled, and he agrees that he could have left out the foie gras. Lisa’s soup was wonderful. Tom wanted to know what the leeks were doing in Stephanie’s dish and they were undercooked. She looks horrified. Richard says if he had seared his pork belly it would have fallen apart and that wasn’t worth it. Tom says Lisa should have cooked her steak more, because Wagyu beef has such wonderful marbling it’s nasty when not cooked. And Lisa undercooked it on purpose. Stephanie’s dish was super creative and everyone was surprised. Richard’s ice cream was great, as was Lisa’s rice pudding. Stephanie liked her flavors of her dessert, but Tom says her banana cream wasn’t flavored enough. Padma asks for last words. Stephanie says Dale told her not to second guess herself but she did on her dessert. Lisa is confident they’ll give her the win. I see. Very loud loser gong. Richard is like, OK, I’ll say it, I think I choked. Woah. He feels like he overthought and it’s not his best performance. Where did that come from? It’s not false modesty, he’s about to cry.

After Padma sends them all off, Gail says she’s shocked by what Richard said. Tom says he agrees, because he did make some mistakes like the pork belly. Richard wanted to them to know that he could do better. Tom wants to go course by course. Fish course: Stephanie seems to take it. They mention Lisa’s dish, but not as positively. Poultry dish: who knows, but probably Lisa’s soup that everyone loved. Red meat dish: Stephanie’s dish with the braised pistachios. Richard’s idea was original, but not executed. They think that’s what he meant by choking. Dessert: Lisa’s dessert was her best dish of the night. Stephanie’s dessert wasn’t great, but the rest of her dishes were great. Ted demands bacon ice cream to become commercially available. Well that was a bust. They didn’t really say anything new. Lisa tells Stephanie she nailed the first and third courses, and Lisa nailed two and four. Stephanie immediately looks at Richard who looks miserable. The judges seem to have a choice, as you can hear birds chirping in the background.

Tom heaps praise on everyone. He says the decision is based on which meal they’d like to go back and have again. And the winner is…Stephanie!! WOO!! Lisa really thought she could win, but she’s proud of herself. Richard is disappointed, and about to cry. Everyone who had come to Puerto Rico is there hanging out. Stephanie is doing a little dance. Ah…so satisfying.

Next week: reunion show. Notice there aren’t any clips. Very interesting. Let’s see if Lisa can piss off the rest of the viewers.
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Moley moley mole!

I was so glad to see "The Mole" again on my TV. You feel so smart watching it. Like, you might actually learn something! And then when the actual contestants have no idea what's going on, you feel so superior. I mean, it's not hard to feel superior when you're watching "Big Brother" or something.

I like Craig as the mole, and also Nicole. The fact that everyone loves Craig and wasn't mad at all that he didn't get his money? They were right, that's the perfect persona for the mole to have. And yes, Nicole is too obvious, maybe. I mean, we all thought Elavia was the mole until she quit. However I do like the idea that she would be as annoying as possible just at the right time to put herself in charge of a task and win an exemption. It's probably because Angie Everheart was the last celebrity mole and she was pretty obvious, trusting that people would chalk it up to her temper.

Thinking of that makes me miss Corbin. He was crazy. He would have been a good host, messing with people and pretending to give out hints. Let me just say, that putting a thumbprint on one person's helmet? That's weak. Clicky clicky

Top Chef 6/4/08--"Finale pt. 1" summary

Previously on Top Chef: The final challenges before everyone got a chance to go home involved steak. First, butchering the steak, then cooking the steak, then working the line at a steakhouse. Spike did well with the cutting and the searing, but not so much with the choosing of non-sucky non-frozen scallops. From what I can tell (which isn’t much; good job Bravo on maintaining a working website) Lee Anne tried to make sure everyone had a good selection of proteins to choose from, since Rick Tramonato’s restaurant has a small menu. She also had a budget, and anything that Rick provided them with had to be paid for, while she could get frozen scallops from Allen Bros. for free. So she’s the one that put the scallops in there. But Spike still used them, he still insisted on searing them. He could have done something else with them and it would have been fine. Spike still called out Rick at the judges’ table for having them in the freezer. Rick was very gracious, considering he knew full well it wasn’t his fault they were there. Spike went home in the end, leaving us with Stephanie (woo), Antonia (woo), Richard (meh), and Lisa (ugh). (click for more)

Time for Puerto Rico! Stephanie has been traveling throughout Asia. Her T-shirt says “I love Tahoe boys“. Antonia has started her restaurant. Richard is thrilled to see Stephanie and Antonia, who he says are the ones everyone thought would win at the beginning of the show. But not really Lisa. Lisa has cut her hair, which should please people who thought her hair was always greasy and bad. However I think she’s gained some weight, maybe. She says everyone looks relaxed. They go off somewhere to great Tom and Padma, and a table full of plantains. Oh wait. It’s not Tom. It’s Wilo Benet, who “embodies“ Puerto Rican cuisine, according to Richard. Sorry, he looked like Tom.

Padma says that beachside fritters are a tradition, served with a cold beer. They have to make frituras, or fritters. Apparently these are just little fried snacks. And Wilo says that you have to use plantains. Hope you know how to use them! Lisa thinks they are common and all chefs should know what to do with them. Two separate frituras, both with plantains. They have 40 minutes.

Lisa immediately goes for proteins while others are getting plantains. Stephanie is trying to focus and eliminate some of her ideas. She thinks that’s her problem with Quickfires. Lisa is making fried plantains. It appears that she looked up Puerto Rican cuisine before she came. Richard burns off his eyebrows as he tries to light the stove.

Stephanie: tostones with seared tuna. Tostones are the fried plantains; you fry them once, then smash them and fry them again. Also she has pork and shrimp fritters with brown butter, lime, and basil sauce. Yum! Antonia: crispy oysters with cilantro plantain jam. There are no plantains in the actual fritter. Her second dish is plain fried yellow plantains with spicy slaw. She pronounces it “plan-TINS” which bugs me. Lisa: tostones with pan roasted duck and mango papaya salsa, and sweet plantains, red onion, and chorizo with chutney slaw. Chutney slaw? It has citrus fruits and cucumbers, and chilies. Chutney slaw. That is the most non-descriptive term. Chutney and slaw are categories. Richard: pork meatballs with ripe plantain sauce. He calls them something in Spanish, “abondigas” I think. The other dish is green plantain chips with ripe plantain salsa. Interesting. He’s made the salsa with raw plantains. That…seems bad. Now I want some tostones.

Wilo says everyone did well, lots of neat sauces and chutneys. Antonia could have used more integration, and the raw plantains are indeed not good. Richard had the same problem, and his meatballs were dry. Hee. Stephanie had great balance and right portions. Lisa’s tostones were great, but her meat could have been smaller. (Hee!) Stephanie wins, her first Quickfire win. Wilo invites them to a party, with traditional food and music. No one seems suspicious. Random parties never turn out well.

The party has great music, and lots of food and a whole pig. Lisa makes Richard dance. He says he’s having fun but he doesn’t dance. There are stupid slo-mo shots of everyone having fun with voiceovers of them in confessional talking about how they want to just get this over with already.
The next day (I think) everyone ends up at La Fortaleza, the governor’s residence. I think that’s what it’s called. Tomorrow there will be a garden party, with 100 VIP guests. Now Tom is here. He says it’s not a party without a pig, and he takes off some fronds from a table to reveal a pig. Everyone gets a whole pig and they have to make at least 2 dishes. Cool! Tom knows this will be a lot of work, so he’s got some help for them. Now Dale, Nikki, Andrew, and Spike show up. Oh, come on. Twice in one season? Lisa says her choices are limited. Mostly because she doesn’t get along with anyone, but of course she doesn’t think that’s the deal. Well, she does admit that Andrew is angry with her because he felt she threw him under the bus. Stephanie, as winner, gets to assign everyone’s people. Ha! She says she wants everyone to get along. She takes Dale, then puts Spike with Richard, Nikki with Antonia, and Andrew with Lisa. Andrew says he’ll try to help her win, but neither of them look thrilled. The “helpers” are going to shop for produce while the contestants butcher their pigs. They have 30 minutes to plan, 2 hours today to cook, and 5 hours tomorrow. Stephanie has to know that Andrew and Richard would be a better, more harmonious match than Andrew and Lisa. Maybe she’s trying to get rid of Lisa.

Richard talks about the importance of inspiration. He thinks as long as Spike buys fresh ingredients he’ll be fine. Does he not remember the frozen scallops? Antonia is going traditional. Lisa, shockingly, wants to not do Asian, but Puerto Rican. She insists she knows Latin food and flavors, and the natives will love her food. Richard thinks this is dangerous. I would agree, I think. You’d better be solid.

The helpers get $250 and 45 minutes to shop. Nikki doesn’t recognize some of the stuff. Andrew is having a communication breakdown because the woman doesn’t understand English. Hee. He knows he looks stupid. Dale is buying “black” plantains, which look rotten but apparently are super sweet. Back in the kitchen everyone gets ready to butcher their pigs. Someone kids Lisa that her hacking looks too natural. She comments that she’s Jewish. Antonia is cutting along the joints with her chef‘s knife, but Richard and Lisa are using mallets to pound cleavers through the meat, I guess. And they both break the mallets. Richard remembers some sweet malt beverage that he’s been using to glaze ribs so he calls Spike to have him get some.

Richard is organizing because it’s pretty crowded. He’s got tape for everything, all his appliances and dishes and bowls and whatnot. Nikki has great fruit, Antonia says. Stephanie is making pork belly and she makes sure to spice it. Andrew says Lisa “has a strong personality”. That’s is a good way to put it. Richard agrees. She kicks Andrew off something because he’s too slow. Someone spills something on the floor. The fridge is crammed. After 2 hours everyone says goodbye to their helpers and heads out of the kitchen. Stephanie says she feels organized…as the cameraman pans from the departing contestants to a shot of her pork belly sitting on a shelf. Not refrigerated. “Top Chef” has been hiring “Amazing Race” cameramen during their off season.

In the morning, Dale admits he’s the one who left it out, and Stephanie immediately says she’ll throw it out. She’s really nervous, and Dale is really really sorry. He says if he gets her sent home he’ll never forgive himself. I think she’s recovering well. Richard always has “something tricky”, according to Spike, and he can learn something. He’s got BBQ pork shoulder, pork belly with pickled watermelon, ham and beans, and ribs. Antonia: pork belly with sweet peppers, pork sausage with pigeon peas and rice, and curried pork. But her rice is ruined; she says the bottom is mushy and the top is raw. Nikki says she can tell Antonia is off so she needs to be on to compensate. Lisa is making yuca and pork rellena, and pork belly, and an adobo roasted pork tostone. Oh, no, everyone has pork belly except Stephanie. She says if she only makes two dishes she’ll be going home. Her last minute idea is chicarrones, fried pork skin, in a salad. Her other two dishes are pork satay on sugar cane skewers, and coconut pork with a plantain pancake. Antonia says her daughter told her not to come home if she didn’t win. I hope everyone is kidding about that.

With 30 minutes until service everyone goes outside to grill and prep. Stephanie is trying to make blinis, but they seem to be burning. Lisa doesn’t want to get sent home. Of course. Stephanie thinks little things will send people home. Last minute frantic working.

Padma appears, in a one shoulder drapy gown Rami would be proud of. Stephanie is up first: pork satay on sugar cane skewer, in a miso almond sauce. Coconut braised pork with black plantain pancake. Tropical fruit salad with fried pork skin. Wilo says the pancakes are inventive. Richard: fresh ham with local beans, whatever local beans are. Pressure cooked pork belly with picked watermelon. Ribs with malta and soy glaze. He talks so damn much! Everything has this long ass story about his inspiration and everything. BBQ pork shoulder with braised greens and mango, braised in coffee and cinnamon. That sounds really good. Now it is dark. Lisa: citrus braised pork belly with potato and plantain mash. Gail says it’s really sweet. Adobo roasted pork butt tostone and black beans and onions. Yuca rellena filled with pork, with pineapple mojo. Mojo is dipping sauce. It looks like they didn’t finish eating her food. Antonia: honey pork belly with pickled sweet pepper salad. Curried pork with pumpkin and yuca. Pigeon peas with pork sausage. The peas have a kick, and she soaked them overnight. The last two dishes seem to be on the same plate. None of the judges have had any opinions, or voiced them anyway. Random people talk about stuff. Everyone gets a comment; sadly, Antonia gets the bad comment of dry pigeon peas.

Before the contestants come out, the judges talk about everyone’s food. They seem pleased in general. Lisa and Antonia weren’t as good as they have been, but everyone was good across the board. Now that Wilo and Tom are next to each other, I must say Wilo looks like Andrew Zimmerman more than Tom. Padma comes to get Richard and Stephanie only. Lisa and Antonia do not look happy. Richard and Stephanie look really nervous until Padma tells them they are the favorites. Tom thinks Richard was self-editing, with simpler dishes than he served at the beginning of the competition. Stephanie’s satays were wonderful. No mention of the pork belly. Richard is the unanimous winner, and the crowd favorite. He wins…a car!?!?!?! He just won a 2009 Corolla. Damn. He seriously cannot believe it. Stephanie looks happy for him, but I would be thinking “Damn. Dale cost me a car.”

Antonia and Lisa go out to face the music and the loser gong. Lisa felt her dishes were strong, but she knows that everyone else’s dishes were strong too. Tom is surprised she cooked Latin food, when she’s “known” for Asian. She insists that she cooks Latin food all the time and it’s not that far from the Asian she cooks all the time. Her potato puree was really sweet and overpowering, and all her dishes focused on the garnishes rather than the pork. She took the tostones out of the fryer right before the judges arrived…but if the judges didn‘t get to her until it was dark? That‘s not good. She starts talking about balance in a traditional Puerto Rican meal, but Wilo says that didn‘t happen. Antonia knows her peas were not cooked enough, but she says she didn‘t notice until the very end. Also Antonia served her dishes all on the same plate, so they all muddled together. Her plan in that was to make things more rustic.

Tom says now it comes down to mistakes. Lisa’s tostone wasn’t that great, and her sweet potato puree wasn‘t right for the pork she paired it with. She had the right idea, but it’s execution again. She says she’s going home. I really hate editing sometimes. Sigh. Antonia went for rustic, and she should have put each of her dishes on separate plates since they were all distinct dishes. Gail says there are such things as al dente beans, but Tom says no. Antonia says she really doesn’t want to go home.

Commercials. 91% of voters think Lisa should go home. You usually don’t see that high of a percentage. That should tell you something. I wonder if we’ll ever hear Lisa address that.

Tom says they needed to bring their A game today, but they both are competing at a B+. Hee. Tom rehashes their errors. Antonia has specific problems; Lisa has an overall lack of…whatever they’re looking for. Also Tom says her table didn’t have a crowd. So what does this mean? Of course it means Lisa is safe. AGAIN. She promises them again they won’t be disappointed. Didn’t she promise that before they left Chicago? At least she looked genuinely shocked. Antonia is crying and she talks about her daughter, and she is really upset she has to go home. She tells Stephanie to kick ass. The final 3 sit around in the Stew Room, until Lisa bitches at Stephanie and Richard because they didn’t congratulate her. They both kind of mutter congratulations (which you know they don’t mean) and Richard says he’s just tired, which is probably true. Lisa says she gets it (um…no) but it makes her feel like they both think the wrong person went home, which, 1. That is what 91% of the viewers think, and I’m sure they think that too, and 2. Cry me a river. She says that they can have their opinions (didn’t you just yell at them for their opinions?) and it’s not a popularity contest. Yeah, lucky you. In confessional she says people enjoyed her dishes, even though they seemed to do it far away from her table so Tom wouldn’t see the crowd. Somehow Stephanie and Richard should forget that Antonia is their friend and “as a fellow chef” tell Lisa good job or whatever. Just because you didn’t go home doesn’t mean you’re entitled to praise. They don’t like you. Deal with it. Richard is like, you won the bronze. Good for you.

Next week: Lisa thinks she can beat everyone, Richard is behind, Tom gives them a curveball, we find out who wins.
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Top Chef 5/28/08--"High Steaks" summary

Previously on Top Chef: After making us think that we were having Wedding Wars instead of Restaurant Wars, the producers said “Ha ha! You fell for it!” and they had Restaurant Wars anyway. The teams were Stephanie, Antonia, and Richard, vs. Lisa, Dale, and Spike. The outcome was entirely predictable. Lisa blamed Dale for her poor attitude and bitched back at him whenever she had the chance. Dale ran around and cursed out waiters and Spike, and let Lisa serve nasty food. And made butterscotch scallops himself, which probably taste exactly like you are thinking. Spike chose stupid colors for the dining room and hid out there all night, so later he could be above it all and smirk off to the side while Lisa and Dale fought to be eliminated. Of those three, I liked Dale the most, so of course he was eliminated, leaving both Spike and Lisa to torment me. Awesome. (click for more)

Antonia is excited to almost be in the final 4. Stephanie notices that there are a lot of girls around. Duh. Not a lot of exciting interview clips today.

For the Quickfire everyone ends up at Allen Brothers, which is a meat purveyor. They all get safety clothing. And now they will be butchers. The weirdest part is like, a panel or shield over their abdomen? I guess to protect from knives. Haha, Spike gets a beard net. They have to cut chops from a rib eye. And French the bones. HMM SOUNDS FAMILIAR. I do believe “Hell’s Kitchen” just this season made people butcher steaks, although that show did not present them with what looks like an entire side of beef. They have 20 minutes.

The chops are dry-aged, so they’re really tough. Everyone struggles. Spike for some reason gets around this by slicing off the dry-aged part so now it’s really easy. Wasn’t the dry-aged part the point? On second viewing it looks as though he cuts off the fat, mostly. Lisa complains about making tiny mistakes and going home before making top 4. Please tell me this means she goes home. They pack up all the steaks and go back to the Top Chef kitchens. Weird.

Back in the kitchen Padma greets them with the news that there are 2 legs to the Quickfire. Rick Tramonto is the guest judge. Everyone has to make a “tomahawk” chop for Rick, medium-rare, and I hope you butchered it right! 30 minutes! Richard points out that this challenge has nothing to do with flavors, but with how well you cook the meat. Spike thinks he needs 5 minutes longer that he was given, for that size steak. He’s grilling and then finishing in the oven. Of course he has to interview about this in the most obnoxious “I’m a genius” tone possible. Richard can’t use his sous-vide (sous-vide steak, nasty) so he has to go old school. Stephanie is planning rest time. Antonia is basting with butter, which sounds pretty good.

Richard charred his steak with the torch? Huh? Lisa put hers in the pan. No flavors today, which makes my job easier. Rick doesn’t seem to be tasting anyone’s steaks, although he is testing the temperatures with his finger and inspecting everything closely. Weird. Near Spike’s station there are sample steaks. I was going to say more but everyone just explained how they cooked it and it wasn‘t exciting, except that everyone made sure to talk about the butter and rosemary and whatnot, that are now useless since no one is actually eating the steaks. I wonder what they do with those? Like, I know the crew eats the plate they use to take pictures. I hope they didn’t waste them.

Stephanie undercooked her steak and her bones weren’t clean. Richard also undercooked his steak and his cuts weren‘t consistent. Lisa, Spike, and Antonia did really well. Spike wins. Bleh. He says he’s here to play hard from now on. Apparently he wasn’t before when he was screwing people.

For the Elimination challenge, these 5 people are taking over Rick’s steakhouse tomorrow. Padma asks him if he’s sure about that. Everyone has to make an appetizer and entrée, based on what they find in the kitchen when they get there. Spike gets first dibs on proteins again. Lisa pretends she wouldn’t want that anyway, because she might get stuck with some crap she doesn‘t want. Also, this challenge could be summed up as, “Here is my restaurant. I want you to run it. Screw it up and you will wish you never heard of this cooking reality show.” Did the producers run out of ideas for challenges? Or did they hire some reject from “Hell’s Kitchen” to plan challenges?

Back home Spike brags about how butchering is in his blood, or something. Antonia humors him, but you can detect that she’s laughing at him a little bit. He wants to beat the girls. Richard has things to prove and thinks there’s no difference between going home now, and being the first one sent home.

In the morning everyone goes to Tramonto’s restaurant. The restaurant looks very posh and like I couldn’t afford to eat there. There’s a “wood burning fire oven“ (tm Antonia) in the kitchen. Spike gets to pick his proteins, so he takes the tomahawk steaks and some scallops. The scallops are frozen, though, so while people are pissed at first they decide that Spike may have screwed himself. Everyone picks out their ingredients. Stephanie is making sweetbreads for an appetizer, which she compares to Chicken McNuggets. Right. Lisa is making steak with peanut butter mashed potatoes. Um, what? Richard describes how he found some hamachi to make with crispy sweetbreads, and which is a deconstruction of some Italian dish he doesn’t describe or name. Lisa is in front of the oven, and she complains that it’s too hot, but Antonia wants to leave it open so the fire won‘t die. Lisa‘s like, what if I die? In kind of a joking way. And Antonia’s all, then I guess you don‘t go to Puerto Rico! But not joking as much. Ha. Lisa says, again, that she quit her job and she wants to make it. I do love editing. Spike’s frozen scallops are indeed sucky. He grabs a whole roll of paper towels to dry them so he can sear.

Tom time! Antonia is making a warm salad and rib eye. She tells Tom that the scallops Spike took were frozen. Stephanie is psyched about the challenge. Richard is nervous. In addition to the hamachi he’s serving beef tenderloin, with potatoes and turnips and a red wine reduction. Tom says that’s straightforward. For Richard. Richard complains that Tom told him he was “playing it safe”, which is not what he said at all. Lisa has “grilled and chilled” shrimp and then the steak has spicy apple caramel sauce or something, and then the peanut butter potatoes... Tom is obviously disturbed. And Lisa can tell, by this point. He then makes himself feel better by going to Spike and giving him a hard time about the frozen scallops. Spike says he has no problem with frozen scallops and there is the drum sound effect of “That was stupid.“ He also thinks if he can make these scallops rock then he can do anything. Tom is like, “Yeah, because that would be impossible.“ Tom calls everyone around to make an announcement: the judges will be eating with 3 VIP guests. Tom is expediter, which means that he is in charge of timing, calling out tickets, stuff like that. So Ramsay’s job, only with less cursing I’m sure. Now Spike is desperate to get the scallops to be good or at least “be pretty on the plate”. Antonia is putting her steaks on the grill now so when the tickets come in she can just chuck them in the oven. Richard gives basically the same interview Lisa did about how he wants to win and make it to the final 4. Well they can’t both be cut. Can they?

Everyone frantically works. Lisa barks at someone to get out of her way. Tom comes to introduce the VIP guests--the 3 past winners of Top Chef. Their advice is bland, except Ilan tells them not to shave anyone’s head. Heh. All the plates at the judges’ table will consist of a tasting portion, which is about 1/3 the size it should be. Apparently they didn’t expect this and it’s weird or something and will cause problems. I guess if you are serving a steak, and you need 6 steaks to be 1/3 the size of the other steaks, and you didn’t cut any portions that size, that might be a problem. Lisa is up first: grilled and chilled prawns, lemon zest, and tomato salad with crostini. They like the lemon, but not the chilled part. Richard has hamachi with crispy sweetbreads, radish, avocado, and yuzu. Rick tells everyone he would serve that in a heartbeat. Harold is pretty much scrapign his plate. Spike seared the scallops with hearts of palm and oyster mushrooms. The hearts of palm aren’t even fresh either. Everyone is like, meh. You can see as Rick chews slowly and picks at the rest of the food on the plate. Stephanie: sweetbreads with golden raisins and pine nuts, and a little bit of fennel, haricot verts, and bacon underneath. It looks good. Harold wishes the pine nuts were toasted but that’s it. It’s exactly what Spike’s dish was missing. Antonia: warm mushroom and artichoke salad, poached egg, bacon vinaigrette. Not the strongest but Gail approves of the egg which is something. You know how she is about her eggs. The rest of it was kind of bad and soggy.

Richard gets yelled at for dragging, but he says his dishes are “intricate“. Tom nags him. Richard: beef filet, potato puree, red wine, turnips, pickled Brussels sprouts. You have to eat everything together, though, and he deconstructed it. Lisa: N.Y. strip steak, spicy apple caramel sauce, peanut butter mashed potatoes. It looks normal. Somehow Rick likes the potatoes. The beef is under seasoned and tough, and Gail got a thin portion. Ha. Spike has the tomahawk chop, with sweet potato puree, Brussels sprouts, and cipollinis. The meat is great as long as you eat nothing else on the plate. And he put honey in the sweet potatoes, which seems pretty pointless. Ilan is pretty critical and he is still a famewhore because he Won’t. Shut. Up. Seriously, he’s talked at least twice as much as Hung and Harold put together. Stephanie: tenderloin with applesauce, salsify puree and wild mushrooms. They love it. Antonia likes Tom in this role of expediter. Antonia: bone-in ribeye, fennel and cipollinis, and a shallot and potato gratin. Ilan loves it but it’s rich. Pure steakhouse, say the other judges. Antonia says nobody knows what will happen. She’s probably safe then.

Back in the Stew Room everyone drinks and apparently Lisa has gotten rid of everyone she hates because she wishes everyone good luck. Padma collects all of them. Richard is up first. He tries to say he did well, but wises up and says that they should tell him how he did. The appetizer (which he’d never done before) was great but his meat was undercooked. Stephanie never looks like she’s under pressure. Until right now. They all loved the sweetbreads, but the entrée could have used more acidity. She‘s never made her dishes before either. Lisa’s shrimp was cold, and tasted congealed. She’d made her entrée before, and Rick wanted to hate it, but he didn’t. Technically, though, it could have been done better, like Tom said his portion was cooked more on one side than the other. Antonia says she made dishes based on what she likes to eat when she goes to a steakhouse. The gratin was perfect. Spike’s steak was cooked really well, but Tom is shocked he stuck with the frozen scallops. Rick tells him he should have changed his mind. Spike responds that “with all due respect” those frozen scallops should never have made it into Rick’s walk-in. Did you just call out a judge? “With all due respect” means “I’m not going to say you’re an idiot, but you totally are”. Rick is like, OK, there were frozen scallops in my walk-in, but you should take the shot that you used them. Spike shuts up, eventually. Padma kicks them out, but before Spike leaves he shakes Rick’s hand.

In the Stew Room Spike at least observes that he should have shut up. Tom likes this challenge because everyone was self-contained. The previous Top Chef winners liked something from each person. Stephanie had new dishes and they were both spot on. Richard scored on appetizer but not entrée. He looks OK because the appetizer was the best dish of the evening, appetizer or entree. Antonia is thoughtful and cooks from the heart. Spike had problems with both dishes, and he says he liked simplicity but if you go simple you have to be perfect. Tom thinks Lisa is apathetic about what she does. Padma says she has a great palate, but her technique falls by the wayside. Tom points out technique is how you make flavor. Gail thinks Spike put more work in his appetizer. For Rick and Tom, Lisa’s shrimp was the worst dish of the evening.

Everyone comes back in and they all hold hands which makes me ill. Stephanie wins. Woo! She also wins a copy of Rick’s book. Woo. But then Padma tells her that as the winner she gets a whole pile of appliances, as seen in the Top Chef Kitchen! Sweet! Richard’s appetizer was the best appetizer, and Antonia’s entrée was the best entrée, so those two make the finals as well. Does this mean that one of my two most hated contestants will go away?! Oh sweet goodness it does! Lisa has been in the bottom 5 times, and Spike 7 times. Damn. Tom bitches that they shouldn’t be shocked. He says that Lisa hasn’t shown her passion, and she doesn’t listen. Spike didn’t make everything perfectly, and the scallops were a mistake. Spike goes home. Lisa has more lives than a cat. Although, watching her make the finals and then failing there might make my bitter evil heart happy. Spike feels that he showed himself more than anyone else. Well…I am sure he didn‘t mean to show the country how scheming and annoying he was. It won’t hold him back, no one puts me down, blah blah. Lisa pretends she’ll have a clean slate in the finals. Antonia thinks it’s anyone’s game. Richard is ready to train.

Next week: Lisa has a short haircut, everyone hacks and pounds things…I am not sure what is going on. Clicky clicky

Top Chef 5/21/08--"Restaurant Wars" summary

Previously on Top Chef: Everyone had to make healthy food, starting with salads. Actually, the salads didn’t have to be healthy but “sexy”. Yeah, I don’t know either. Season 2’s Sam came back to guest judge and provide eye candy, I guess, since he didn’t do much else. Not that I complain about eye candy. (Kmanpat: “Me either!”) After the salads came the healthy food, for some Police Academy recruits. Insert your own “Police Academy” joke here. Dale won by making bison lettuce wraps, which looked really good and probably did not seem weird to anyone on a low-carb diet. Spike, Andrew, and Lisa ended up in the bottom three for laziness, nastiness, and undercooked food, respectively. No one in the bottom was very nice to the judges. When asked if they had anything else to contribute Lisa sold out Andrew by pointing out he hadn’t used a whole grain in his dish so he hadn’t followed the rules. Lisa is very adamant about the rules, of course, since she got called out for them. Even though nothing happened. And she didn’t go home. And her partner didn’t go home. THEN she had the balls to try to apologize to Andrew, which made no sense because it’s one thing to make sure the judges know someone else broke the rules, and it’s quite another to expect him to be OK with it. In the end Andrew’s weird “sushi” didn’t impress the judges anyway so he went home. And the house and the set were terribly quiet. (click for more)

Tom comes to the Top Chef house at 5:45 am. Haha! Sadly he does not have pots and pans, but he is a bastard and turns the lights on. He says they’re going to “one of Chicago’s most famous breakfast joints” and they have to work the egg station. HA! Where is Julia!?! Everyone wants to make final 4. Oh, man, eggs are unforgiving.

Lou Mitchell’s. The hottest breakfast spot in Chicago, with a line out the door. Everyone has to work the egg station, and the one that would get hired is the winner. Tom gets to hang out and drink coffee. Spike says he used to be a short order cook but he hasn’t cooked eggs in a while. They go back to “The Hole” and they get to watch. Spike thinks the owner Helene is hard core. Antonia is first. She’s really good at repeating orders, talking like Gordon Ramsey loves to hear. Short order cooks seem pretty awesome right now, don‘t they? She seems to survive OK. Then there is a montage of everyone. Tom’s back there watching too. Stephanie flails right off the bat and breaks some yolks. Richard complains about not knowing diner lingo. Like “butterflied”, apparently. That’s the only lingo I have heard. Lisa melts a Styrofoam box. Spike screws something up. The owner shakes her head. Dale gets 4 orders at once but it looks like he fills all of them correctly.

Antonia was very calm and controlled and took direction well, and Dale was very smooth. Antonia wins! Dale looks kind of pissed. Actually, everyone is kind of pissed. Tom says he’s got a charity event and he won’t be at this challenge. That makes me immediately suspicious. Antonia gets a piece of paper with an address, and they have to use their phones to find it. Richard pretends it’s a “secret message”, even though Tom said to them, “Here is an address, go here and meet Padma.” Is his brain working today?

They end up at some loading dock, where they go in and there’s a blank space: hardwood floors, brick walls. Padma tells them that they actually are doing Restaurant Wars after all. SIGH. Lisa wants to make it “not to, but through” this challenge. Everyone gets $1500 for food, and $5000 at Pier One for everything else, and tomorrow they’ll get about 35 diners. Antonia gets to pick her team, so she picks Stephanie and Richard. Of course. Which means Spike, Dale, and Lisa get stuck with each other. Wedding Wars rematch! Dale pretends he would have picked the same people he got stuck with. At least they don’t have Nikki.

Richard has opened a restaurant before so he seems to be taking charge. Their name is “Warehouse Kitchen“. Meh. The term “gastropub” is thrown around. The other team is calling their restaurant “Mai Buddha” (eh) and Dale wins the coin toss to be in charge over Lisa. He is like, um, Asian restaurant, Asian chef. Come on. Agreed. Lisa and Spike talk while Dale listens and people talk about how they need to get along and Spike wants someone good to go home. All three of them have experience in Asian food, at least. Lisa for some reason is nervous that Dale has pissed off both her and Spike. I’m not sure why this makes her nervous. And I just realized: Spike didn’t want to be executive chef. He probably didn’t want to take the fall when they failed, the weasel.

The chefs shopping for food have to buy things like vinegar too. Dale says there are some things they need that they can’t find. That seems…odd. I mean, a place like Whole Foods should have random ethnic ingredients, wouldn’t it? Specifically the complaint is made about sticky rice and Dale finds some rice that is meant for rice pudding. Spike is like, there you go, so Dale grabs several bags. That will be important later. Over at Pier One Spike takes charge for his team, sending Lisa to get plates while he does décor. And Stephanie is going to do front-of-house for her team. Spike buys as many Buddhas as he can.

Everyone has to share the kitchen, but I think there are only 4 people in there so that’s not so bad. Spike and Stephanie set up the dining rooms. Apparently I was wrong, Antonia is in charge of Warehouse Kitchen, which Richard refers to as “a modern American gastropub“. First course is beet salad and goat cheese and ras al hanout, or linguine and clams. Second course is trout and cauliflower, or lamb leg and loin which they are calling “lamb squared“. Desert is Gorgonzola cheesecake and the banana scallops Richard made for the dessert challenge. Over at Mai Buddha the first course is shrimp laksa, which is a soup, or pork and pickled plum pot stickers. Second course: butterscotch miso scallops, or braised short ribs. Dessert: halo-halo or mango sticky rice. Antonia looks down her nose at the other team and their “Chinese” restaurant. Spike is making the short ribs, which can just sit and braise while he works in front. Antonia is making pasta, and they didn’t buy any backup so she’s freaking out.

In Tom’s place, to inspect, is Tony Bourdain, bringing his “warmer, sunnier disposition”. Woo! I love Tony Bourdain. Spike quietly freaks out because Tony has traveled and knows his Asian food. He asks about Richard’s smoke gun, which is not around. Tony also loves laksa, so no pressure, Lisa. It does my evil heart good to imagine that scene. Tony says that Warehouse is creating modest expectations, so they can exceed them easily, but taking no chances. Mai Buddha says they’re good at “Asian” food, but Asia is really big so you can‘t possibly be really good at all of it. And Tony has high expectations for laksa.

Tony lets the teams know that everyone gets an extra pair of hands. Namely, Andrew, Jen, Nikki, or Mark. Lisa’s team picks Jen for her “great attitude” (um…what?) and Antonia’s team immediately takes Nikki and tells her she needs to make pasta. Sadly the eye candy goes away. Dale’s halo-halo is somehow brown…I’m not sure what happened. But it looks nasty. Lisa says that he “claimed” he dropped a brown avocado into the mix. Her interview has a really odd emphasis on the word “claimed”, like she doesn’t believe him. He tries to drizzle some oil in but the whole thing breaks. Lisa tells us he’s on edge, right before she shrieks at Dale that he took her rice off the burner, and then she tells him to calm down. Huh? Weren’t you the one just shrieking? He tells HER to not to freak out, which makes a ton more sense, and she responds that he should “stop throwing stuff around” so she won’t come back to find her rice off the burner. And then she says she’s not going to start something with Dale, but he sets the tone and as much as she “tries to overcome” his poor attitude, if he’s in a poor mood she’ll be also. What the? Lisa’s bad mood is only caused by other people? I don’t think other people caused you to throw Andrew under the bus. Antonia and Nikki need to rinse the clams again. Antonia wants to be here tomorrow. Lisa’s smoked carcasses for the laksa taste mostly like smoke. But not heat. Spike gets a sour taste. He interviews that it sucks and she should have asked him for his recipe. Why didn’t you volunteer that? Does she even know you have one? He gloats that they can’t hold him accountable for the food. Stephanie tells the waiters to have fun. Spike loses his hat, thankfully, and he’s set up a sample table. Then he leaves them to set up the rest of the space. I am dying for him to come back to a colossal disaster but it doesn‘t happen. Lisa whines that she was “forced” to do the sticky rice, which isn’t sticky, and then Dale said to add pastry cream to make it sticky but then it’s mushy. 30 minutes left and everyone flails in a controlled manner.

Spike schmoozes. Stephanie is the first to meet the judges, including guest judge Jose Andres. Warehouse Kitchen has bright orange tablecloths with what look like gold runners. It looks kind of Asian, actually. Stephanie sends the first order in and tells them it‘s for the judges, so they will know what number table the judges are sitting at. Once the food arrives she describes the linguine and clams with sausage and horseradish crème frache. The beet salad looks good too. Tony says the linguine is better than expected. Everyone loves everything. Next up is the trout and lamb. They love the lamb presentation, which doesn‘t look weird or cool or anything but does look very appetizing. Tony thinks the lamb is wonderful, so you know it’s good. Also for some reason they love the trout skin and they are not kidding around. Dessert is Gorgonzola cheesecake and sweet potato puree and Concord grape sauce. The banana scallops are the same as before, with chocolate ice cream. The banana scallops have a brown smear of some kind, which does look unfortunate. Ted likes the cheesecake, as does Padma who expected to hate it.

Mai Buddha is decorated with silver tablecloths and purple napkins and is compared to “the back of Prince’s van”. Ted then asks if it’s Prince’s van, or the scarves hanging from Steven Tyler’s microphone. Hee! And it appears that Spike is right there which is fabulous! Lisa admits to a mistake with the laksa. The food sits in the window and Dale complains about it. But she bitches about this delivery, which isn’t that bad, except for the “f***ing a**holes“ he mutters afterwards. The spicy coconut shrimp laksa with noodles is too smoky, but the potstickers are pretty good. Spike wants the short rib portions to be bigger. Apparently the servings are too small in his mind. He’s all, I already voiced that concern twice. It looks pretty big to me. The short ribs have pickled red cabbage and apple basil salad. The scallops have a butterscotch miso sauce, and have spicy eggplant and pickled long beans. Tony (I think) calls them “Willy Wonka scallops.” Some random girl tells the camera she doesn‘t know what she‘s eating. Dale asks about the rice, and she’s all, the rice is ready, calm down. How are you going to work for anyone? Have you told him you’re ready? No? Then just say you’re ready and quit telling Dale, who is essentially your boss, to calm down. Dale tells us that Lisa is always negative and even though he doesn’t take criticism well, she takes it even worse than he does. Spike shows up with beers, I don’t know why unless he was hoping they’d start fighting, and Lisa starts to pour them. Dale tells her to finish the plates before drinking, and JEN says the exact same thing, and she’s like, we’re not drinking, relax! To Dale. Well, when you’re pouring the beer instead of plating, what the hell are we supposed to think? She’s just like my students. I want to suspend her. Actually, I wish she was on “Hell’s Kitchen” so Ramsay can lay into her. Oh, that would be sweet. Then we get this gem: “Dale’s unhappy with his choices, he’s unhappy with my mistakes, but at the same time ultimately it’s the chef’s responsibility to make sure the food is perfect, and Dale has not fulfilled his role as an executive chef.“ This tells me that Dale is probably going home, and Lisa blames him for her crappy food, when she hasn’t listened to him all night and has behaved in such a way that in most other kitchens she‘d be fired for insubordination. The halo-halo (with cantaloupe, coconut, kiwi, avocado, and candied nuts) is kind of green but not as green as it should be. Tony is bored but not annoyed as much as he is by the mango sticky rice with toasted coconut. Quote of the evening: “It’s baby vomit with wood chips”. This is why I love Tony Bourdain. Some people say they have to go out for dessert. Hee! Everyone gets comment cards. Richard and Antonia work the room. Everyone LIES and tells Spike they loved the food. He of course thinks he was the greatest.

Padma comes to get Warehouse first. Of course. Because they won, of course. Tony was impressed by everything. The beets (Richard) were smart, the pasta (Stephanie) was perfectly cooked. The gorgonzola (Stephanie) was also awesome. Stephanie wins. The guest judge says something about picking a concept, and I don’t remember seeing her come up with it but whatever. This team got along with each other and their food was good so they kind of got screwed out of screen time. She gets a “culinary tour” to Barcelona. Awesome!

Loser gong! Tony says they had “unpleasant aspects“ to their meal. Spike pretends that they all three of them picked out the design and colors for the dining room. Dale and Lisa look incredulous. Seriously, Dale is laughing into his hand. Tony said the décor announced that a greasy dumpling would be “unforgivable“, rather than a place where a greasy dumpling would be “a delight“. Dale cops to the scallops, and everyone says the butterscotch was nasty. Lisa cops to the laksa (and doesn’t blame Dale, so that’s something) and the smokiness. She says she was taught to do laksa with smoke, but apparently took it too far. Spike says he chose laksa, and his is different (and better of course, although he doesn’t say that out loud). Dale doesn’t know laksa, so he says he had to trust them, but then he gets attacked for being in charge and not knowing the menu. There looks like there would be some argument about the short ribs but as it turns out it‘s Spike‘s recipe, cooked by the other two, the way Spike told them to. But the judges naturally want to clarify, since no one would put it past this team to steal the credit for anything. The sticky rice is labeled “baby food garnished by potpourri”. Lisa blames Dale for the rice, and they have an argument about it, which ends when Lisa I guess claims that since she didn‘t actually take the rice off the shelf it‘s Dale‘s fault. This is so dumb. Jose says they aren’t a team, and accuses Spike of hiding in the front of the house. See, normally I’d label him a lucky bastard for being in the dining room while all this was happening, but since I’m pretty sure he did that on purpose so Dale and Lisa would self destruct and leave him standing he loses points. Dale tries to reason with Tony that Tony himself would wait to speak to his sous chefs until after service, but we all know that Tony would not wait to kick some ass. Lisa pretends that she responded to everything calmly and appropriately. I hope she watches this episode and calls Dale to apologize. I know I’m not going to be the only blogger tomorrow who is attacking her. Dale declares that you’re only as strong as your weakest link, and there is a pause before Lisa says you’re only as good as your leader. Spike smirks and so help me God I want to smack it off his face. I try not to hate people I watch on TV for an hour a week, but week after week Spike and Lisa are unpleasant and smug and bitchy by turns and I’m tired of watching it.

Jose knows that Spike hid in the front of the house, and did his job, mostly, so he could stay out of it. Dale’s scallops were horrid, and he was not a manager. I think he tried. But Lisa had made her dishes before and she screwed both of them up. Tony can read her body language and knows Lisa has never accepted criticism from the judges. About the only thing that has gotten into her head is that everyone should follow the rules and be called on it whenever. Lisa stage whispers to Spike about how Dale sucks and she was trying to keep it under control, and Dale wants her to say it to his face. Spike for some reason tries to get him to shut up, but seriously? He could practically reach out and touch you. Who is in the wrong here? FINALLY the judges are ready. This crap needs to be over. Dale calls Lisa a bitch which I am sure people will decide is offensive or something. I know people said that the last time they had a big argument in the Stew Room and he grabbed his crotch. Sorry but I’m on Dale’s side.

Tony thinks Dale should have accounted for his dysfunctional team, Lisa’s rice pudding and laksa sucked, Spike hid from everyone and they are pretty sure he did it on purpose. Dale goes home. Of course. Because he’s the one liked the most out of those three. He knows he made bad decisions but he’s not a bad chef. He gives Spike a hug, and they bury the hatchet, I guess. He ignores Lisa, who is sitting by herself in the chairs in the Stew Room. He actually cries in his interview, which is touching somehow. Seriously, I don’t want to watch this show anymore, because the people that grate on me the most are still here and watching them be two-faced and lie and complain every week makes me mad.

Next week: there are a lot of cooking shots for some reason, and I guess the final 4 get to go to Puerto Rico because no one seems to be looking past this next challenge. And at the end all 5 of the chefs left are in front of the judges’ table HOLDING HANDS and it makes me want to throw my keyboard through the TV. Clicky clicky

Top Chef 5/14/08--"Serve and Protect" summary

Previously on Top Chef: Rather than have Restaurant Wars, the producers thought they’d have the teams battle it out at some poor couple’s wedding. So everyone had a Quickfire relay race that caused Dale to flip out when his team lost, and then they stayed up all night cooking, and then had to work the buffet line the next day. Richard won, for leading his team and making good food. He graciously gave the win to Stephanie for making the wedding cake, which didn’t look half bad. She then graciously shared her Crate and Barrel gift certificate prize with Richard. Dale’s team had a huge menu but it was not done well. Everyone pointed fingers at each other, Dale most of all, but in the end Nikki went home. The groom wanted Italian food, but Nikki refused to take any responsibility for anything and made it very clear she didn’t want to be in charge. Spike continued to be an asshat. I’m getting pretty tired of him.

Stephanie plucks her brows in a mirror that appears to be in the hallway. She says it kind of sucks that Nikki is gone. Richard says they only got a few hours of sleep. True, the second day is worst. The first day you can pretend you just had a nap. Spike complains that Dale is a little bitch, and for some reason because Dale doesn‘t want to make friends that will haunt him, or something. Andrew says he’s the only one “still all crazy” today and he’s either going to stab someone or make great food.

The guest judge for today’s Quickfire is Sam from season 2. Antonia drools. Padma says they have to make salads and Sam wants them to be sexy. Everyone interviews about the importance of salad. They have 45 minutes to “bring salad’s sexy back”. Ugh.

Spike wants to have sex after he eats his salad? I try not to listen to him too closely because it makes me mad. Salads don’t inspire me to have sex. (Kmanpat: “They would if someone fed it to you by hand.“ Me:“…ew, now I am thinking about Spike feeding me salad.“) Richard talks about a ceviche of vegetables and fruit. Lisa is spying on other people and she thinks some people don’t deserve to be here, because their salads are simple, they have no skills, and their personalities suck ass. My head nearly explodes with the irony. Antonia is making smoked spinach salad with eggs and bacon. For some reason she mentions that Lisa is strong female competition. According to Antonia. Stephanie forgets her artichoke chip in the end.

Andrew: Thai fruit salad that includes mangoes, strawberries, and raspberries, with sriracha dressing. Yum! Spike has beef salad which he has named “Sensual Beef Salad“ (eye roll) with skirt steak, pineapple, radish, and cucumber. Eh. Sam is not impressed. I feel that is because Sam does not need “Sensual Beef Salad“ to get laid. Lisa has “sexy banana salad” with squid, lobster tail, bananas and yuzu vinaigrette. I would not order anything called “sexy” or whatever. Sam and Padma only taste banana. Stephanie has a “fall duet” with poached pear and artichokes, and pear vinaigrette, and makes the mistake of saying it’s missing stuff. Antonia: poached egg and spinach salad and wild mushrooms, bacon vinaigrette, squash blossoms, sunchokes. It looks good. Richard: “Fresh and Clean Salad”. God, that’s almost worse than the “sexy” label. It makes me think of a douche commercial. Anyways, it’s a ceviche of fruits and vegetables. Dale: poached chicken salad with nori paste, mirin, sake, and rice wine vinegar. The chicken is moist.

Sam doesn’t like Richard’s because it’s not acidic enough for ceviche, Stephanie’s pear vinaigrette was lacking and she had 45 minutes which is more than enough time to remember everything. Lisa made too much banana and it was a hodgepodge of stuff. Spike’s salad was well balanced, Antonia’s yolk was sexy…? Um, OK. Dale was unique. Lisa looks really pissed. That amuses me. Spike wins. Bleh. But I feel better when he doesn’t win immunity.

Sam and Padma then bring out two giant trays of fast food. Everyone pretends to be disgusted. You know they are eyeing the food. They talk about healthy eating, and then mention that this is a typical lunch order for the Chicago Police Academy. Their challenge is to make a healthy tasty boxed lunch instead. They must one ingredient from each of the following categories: whole grains, lean protein, fruits, and vegetables. Spike gets a 10 minute head start, and he also gets one ingredient from each group that only he gets to use. Stephanie knows he’s going to screw people over, which she is probably right about. Andrew is confident he can do some fancy food.

Spike’s extra 10 minutes is in the store. He is excited to be pissing people off, and is planning his menu based on the things most people will want. He admits that’s his strategy. Antonia threatens him with bodily harm if he doesn’t use his stuff. What an asshat. Andrew says Spike assumed everyone is stupid, and he picked the most dumbed down ingredients: chicken, bread, lettuce, and tomato. Everyone has to change up their menus on the fly. Andrew tells us he studied nutrition for two years. Oh, he is so cocky. I am afraid. He shoves things in people’s faces and tells them to smell the success.

There are 2 hours to cook, but Stephanie lets us in on an important detail: if the food has to be heated, they will have to leave instructions and think about reheating. Antonia is pretty confident about her curry beef, since she won the last “healthy” challenge with the family dinner. Andrew is making all raw food. With sushi. And parsnip and pine nuts for the “rice”. Why don’t you use brown rice? Stephanie doesn’t think sushi is filling, which…it is but maybe not for police academy recruits. Dale is making bison and lettuce cups. Oo, low carb. Antonia complains that he’s going to go down for only making Asian. But, he makes GOOD Asian food. Lisa is making brown rice, and leaving enough time for that. You know what? You can bake brown rice in the oven. It works really well if you don‘t spill the water all over yourself while putting the dish in the oven. She kind of flips out because Andrew’s just told her shrimp have cholesterol, and that’s not specifically in the rules (about low cholesterol). She also says how frustrating it is when there is nothing wrong with your dish except that you didn’t follow the rules. Unspoken is her obvious belief that “the rules are stupid”. And she didn’t go home for her not following the rules, nor did her partner, so whatever.

Tom comes inspecting. Stephanie is making soup. Lisa lets him taste the hot sauce and he stupidly does it. Even though she pretended to be concerned about the rules she doesn‘t ask Tom for clarification about cholesterol that we can see. Spike actually admits to Tom he screwed everyone on purpose but he promises to use everything he got at the store. Even though he wasn’t planning on it. Richard is making burritos. Outside, Tom thinks everyone seems OK and everyone is thinking.

Lisa is checking on her rice, but someone turned up the burner to high when she wasn’t looking and now it’s burnt on the outside and raw on the inside. And it takes too long to make more so she can’t fix it. Immediately she assumes someone did it on purpose. Stephanie and Dale both interview that things like that happen all the time in kitchens. Lisa is forced to put cooking liquid in the individual dishes and hope it steams on reheating.

Lisa hopes that her directions will allow her rice to finish cooking. In come the cops! Mm, men in uniform. Everyone describes their food, and I think the officers are allowed to pick whatever dish they like best. So in addition to making good food they have to sell themselves. Spike complains about having to listen to Richard ask people about burritos. Yeah, listening to Richard ask every single person that goes by “Do you like burritos?“ would bug me too. He looks normal without an asshat, does Spike. Everyone gets food and reheats it if needed in product placement microwaves. Spike for some reason is only putting two packages on the table at a time so it looks like he’s about to run out. But it doesn’t matter how fast he sells out; the recruits don‘t have any votes. Also, don’t roll your eyes at cheesy Richard and then play stupid games like that.

Stephanie: Mushroom and meatball soup with a puree of butternut squash, celery root, and apple. That is a huge container of soup. And are you supposed to put the puree in the soup? It is declared hearty and well seasoned by the judges. Spike: chicken salad with pita and raw vegetables. Pita? No mayo? Padma is bored. The tomato, bread, and lettuce are just sitting there in the dish, and he had plenty of time to do something with those ingredients. Two hours to make chicken salad? Dale: lemongrass bison lettuce wrap with a brown rice and herb salad. Tender and delicious. Antonia: curry beef and jasmine rice, and berries and figs with grape syrup. That looks good. Andrew: well, first he has to tell Ted about how he loves nutrition or whatever. Salmon roll with parsnip pine nut “rice” and nori and pickled ginger wasabi. He has a giant nametag. It’s weird food and also he didn’t use a whole grain. Not following the challenge! Richard: grilled tuna burrito with rice paper, quinoa, and lentils. It tastes better than it looks. It does look questionable; spring rolls are small but this is a huge white lumpy thing. Lisa: shrimp stir fry with brown rice and “pineapple hot sauce“, berries and yoghurt. Very spicy but the rice is still underdone. Andrew continues to be confident about his dish. Oh, Andrew.

Backstage Lisa complains about her rice, and Andrew realizes he didn’t use a whole grain. Oops. He doesn’t freak out too badly. Padma comes to get Dale and Stephanie, the winners this week. Dale’s bison felt like eating beef, so people were satisfied. Stephanie’s barley was so great, and her soup was well seasoned. Sam announces the winner as Dale. He wins a magnum bottle of Rutherford Hill, which isn’t that great, but he also gets to go visit the winery in Napa. He has an impressive win record: 5/20.

Spike, Lisa, and Andrew get called out. Andrew felt his dish was substantial, and he tells everyone like 5 times that he studied nutrition so he knows what he‘s talking about. The dish was small, and he says that you should eat that size meal every few hours. But they’ll probably get a candy bar later. He pretends that “hearty and satisfying” wasn’t in the rule sheet. Andrew, still getting grilled, wanted his food to be as healthy as possible, rather than an interpretation of something everyone would like. So, basically, screw the customers. Tom’s like, OK, how about something good then? Andrew gets pissy (well, more pissy) and sarcastic, and he says really? Because people went back for seconds. But Tom responds that they went back to get more because they were hungry. Sam calls Spike out on wasting the tomato, lettuce, and bread. He wonders what was so wrong about how he used his ingredients, and Tom straight out asks him if they were for him or just to make it harder on everyone else. Spike flat out LIES and says he wasn’t sabotaging anyone. Tom says olives, grapes, and chicken are a weird combination. Spike is pretty belligerent and basically implies that Tom is dumb: “Salty and sweet. What don‘t you understand about salty and sweet?” Tom explains, carefully, that olives are not just salty, so Spike tries a different tack and sort of shrugs that the judges have great educated palates but the common person loved it. Now you can tell Tom is getting dangerous because he very quietly says that Spike is welcome to take the common person’s word over his own. Oo. Spike eye rolls that it’s a lunchbox for God’s sake. Tom says, there are 7 people, and 4 were better than you, and Spike’s all, in your opinion, and Tom is like, too bad for you that my opinion counts. Ha! Lisa won’t even say anything about her dish, spitting that they called her out so they can tell her why she’s there. Eventually we get to the rice thing. Apparently the rice wasn’t the only thing wrong anyway, and you can tell the judges don’t buy that someone sabotaged her. They let everyone have a final comment, for some reason, and Lisa throws Andrew under the bus out of nowhere because he didn’t use a whole grain. Lisa is of course overly concerned that people go home for breaking rules. Purely to keep the world running smoothly, I am sure. After telling everyone that some people didn‘t follow the rules, she refuses to point fingers and give a name. Please. If you’re going to tattle, then you have to have the balls to give a name. Otherwise, just be quiet. Andrew fully owns up to it (and the judges already knew that he didn’t have a whole grain anyway), and the reason he didn’t use a whole grain? Apparently he lost his rule sheet early on. Lisa tries to soothe him for some reason; I think she is trying to apologize because she didn‘t know he lost his rule sheet. Andrew (rightly) tells her to shut up and no, he would not have done the same thing to her. Lisa says something about being far away from Andrew so she doesn’t get punched. Well, what the hell are you expecting? You just pointed fingers at Andrew, to make him look worse so you wouldn’t go home, and you’re going to play victim? Seriously? How can you expect that he’d accept your apology right then? You still hate Dale from like, 4 episodes ago.

Andrew is staring at Lisa and freaking Antonia out. He mentions that he said something to Lisa about shrimp and cholesterol, but she then threw him under the bus. The judges talk about Lisa’s food, that the rice isn’t an excuse and the shrimp were nasty and undercooked anyway. Lisa whines that she might get sent home for rice that someone else turned the temperature up on. Cry me a river. Spike’s chicken salad wasn’t that exciting, and he wasted his ingredients. Andrew didn’t use a whole grain, but even if he had he was very arrogant and doing whatever he felt like anyway, without any regard for the recruits. Andrew thinks Lisa should stand behind her dish and not mess with him. He tells her to live with her decisions and he hopes people see this. Lisa isn’t really saying much of anything, which is probably good.

Tom admits that this challenge wasn’t easy. He tells Andrew that he did make a healthy dish, but it was not satisfying or delicious. No mention is made of the whole grain thing. Spike’s dish was boring. Lisa didn’t really make a stir fry. Andrew goes home. Aww! (Kmanpat: “No more Spazz McGee?!!?” *sniff*) He says no bad feelings, but he won’t see these people again so he doesn‘t care, except for Spike. He calls Lisa weak. She pretends it sucks, but then says he should go home for not following the rules. She doesn’t care, don’t pretend you care. The judges don’t need your help. Spike promises him that they will “hook up” in NYC. Now it’s going to be boring. Sigh.

Next week: I think everyone has to be line cooks! Haha! And now they really are having Restaurant Wars. Flailing and producer interference, because there is no way Lisa and Dale were randomly assigned to work together AGAIN.
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