Finally a break for a while

I have not watched the finale yet, although you will not be surprised to know there were many commercials. Below the cut I'll put who won and whatever. If I can get to the episode I'll replace it with a full recap. (click for more)

Top Chef 12/15/16--"Choke Holds and Clammy Hands" summary

Previously on “Top Chef”: the contestants were divided into Rookies and Veterans, prompting people to whine that they weren't rookie chefs. But then the rookies failed at shopping and failed at cooking. Each team went to the home of a local chef, and then the teams were tasked with making a family-style meal inspired by that chef. Rookies went to the “biscuit queen's” house, and then didn't decide to make biscuits until after shopping was over. Dumb. So of course the Veterans won handily. Casey won with collard greens and coconut milk. Annie lost for tomato tart with a soggy bottom. (click for more)

Project Runway 12/15/16--"Finale, Part 1" summary

Previously on “Project Runway”: ANOTHER unconventional materials challenge. Oh wait, “high fashion” with unconventional materials. Whatever, show. Anyway, then halfway through they had to make another look with regular fabric. Roberi won with some macrame. To be fair it looked cool. Then Cornelius was out, which is weird because previous seasons would indicate the Tim Gunn Save always makes the finale. But Cornelius's “fabric with shit glued on” was apparently terrible and Erin's “fabric with shit glued on” was wonderful. (click for more)

Top Chef 12/8/16--"Southern Hospitality" summary

Previously on “Top Chef”: 16 contestants arrived in Charleston, 8 rookies and 8 veterans. Each group had their own challenge (cook chicken for rookies, make shrimp and grits for veterans) and the winners got immunity. Losers cooked in an actual Sudden Death Quickfire. Rookie Jim won immunity, even though there were two women who made more than one dish and he only used the innards for his one dish. Brooke won for making a shrimp scotch egg which looked delicious. Gerald and John Tesar (sigh, he's back) had to have a cook-off to see who would go home. They had 20 minutes to do an oyster roast. Tesar heated cream and oyster liquor and truffles and then poured it over oysters to poach them and then you eat it as a soup. Think about that for a minute. Hot cream with vaguely warm oysters. But somehow he won. Gerald was sent to Last Chance Kitchen. (click for more)

Project Runway 12/8/16--"An Unconventional Trip" summary

Previously on “Project Runway”: another unconventional materials challenge, only this time with metal and also enough money at Mood for real clothes. And it was supposed to be “avant garde” but you know how that usually goes on this show. Erin won, because the universe is fickle. She made metal flower pasties. But now that we've slammed her for a while it's time for her to start getting praised again so then she can win a la Gretchen. Laurence made the same dress with the same shoulder and was in the bottom, but you know they wouldn't get rid of her because Anya. Mah-Jing put some copper mesh and tubing on a denim dress but it was so heavy and also kind of boring, so he was sent home. It's about the right time for him to get sent home. (click for more)

Top Chef 12/1/16--"Something Old, Something New" summary

One day, this show will come to St. Louis and I will find a way to at least go to an event, if not be on TV. Also one day this show won't be on Thursdays at 8 Central like 3 or 4 other things I would like to watch and also one day “Project Runway” will either get canceled or stop sucking so hard and I can give this show the attention it deserves. (click for more)

Project Runway 12/1/16--"Bold Innovation" summary

Previously on “Project Runway”: there was a helicopter ride and people were supposed to make editorial looks inspired by New York or whatever. Mah-Jing was in the top again but then Cornelius won because of course he did. He just got saved so of course he would win so Erin and Dexter could be mad. Then all of a sudden Heidi started talking about how multiple people will be out and then Dexter and Nathalia were both eliminated. (click for more)

Project Runway 11/17/16--"A Power Trip" summary

Previously on “Project Runway”: loved ones time! Each contestant got a family member to design for. Supposedly it was “design for a new chapter in their life” but that didn't apply to anyone so whatever. Erin made a giant coat and an overdesigned dress AGAIN, but of course she was not eliminated. Mah-Jing made his mom a very badass, androgynous outfit but was passed over for the win so Rik could win. To be fair, Rik had a very cute dress, but I liked Mah-Jing's outfit better. Jenni made a truly terrible pair of pants, so she was eliminated. I didn't think her outfit was great or anything, but I like her better than Erin, so. (click for more)

Project Runway 11/10/16--"Life Is Full of Surprises" summary

Previously on “Project Runway”: we pretended “pop up” meant “have some models stand in a store window for a couple hours”. Everyone got assigned a team and a “color palette” from the hair people. Laurence, Roberi, and Rik were Team Zero Drama and won, Roberi being the winner for a weird-ass skirt but whatever. Erin, Dexter, and Cornelius, Team Super Drama, were the losers. Erin and Dexter ganged up on Cornelius, not like Cornelius is a genius or whatever, but they ganged up on him. Later he and Dexter had a stupid argument, where everyone pretended to regret all the shit they said about each other. In the end, even though the judges knew Cornelius wasn't as bad as his team said, Cornelius was eliminated anyway. But that was just so Tim could Save him. I think the Save is dumb, but it was kind of worth it for how uncomfortable Erin and Dexter looked afterwards. Also I think the judges either knew Tim was doing it, or the producers told him to, and that's why they got rid of Cornelius instead of Dexter. (click for more)

Project Runway 11/3/16--"Project Pop Up" summary

Previously on “Project Runway”: some truly stupid product placement required the designers to design streetwear for the “urban jungle” based on some dumb ride. So there was a lot of khaki. Laurence made another jacket with fancy sleeves and some horrible dropped crotch khaki pants that just looked like her model was wearing a diaper. But everyone was like “oh it's so chic” and gave her the win because I hate this show. Brik tried to blend some prints but they hated it and also he is low drama so he was out. (click for more)

Project Runway 10/27/16--"Welcome to the Urban Jungle" summary

Previously on “Project Runway”: the designers had to make cocktail dresses. That's pretty much it. I mean there was a sponsor or whatever, but no one cared or designed their look around the sponsor so, good job. Money well spent. Erin decided she invented sewing beaded appliques on things and got pissed that Jenni dared to sew beaded appliques on her dress. Jenni won, which was too bad because Laurence should have won, but at least Erin was thwarted. Tasha made a boring black denim dress and was eliminated. (click for more)

Project Runway 10/20/16--"There IS Crying in Fashion" summary

Previously on “Project Runway”: there was a team challenge but the teams were 6 people and they only had to make 4 outfits! I know! There was a dumb thing where you had to pitch your idea to the judges to win your budget, but it was for the new show Lifetime is premiering tonight which I am not watching. It's basically “Shark Tank” for designers. Anyway, the team that seemed like they would be the misfit team, Dexter's team, ended up winning. Supposedly the other team lost for not sticking to their pitch enough. Dexter won, as far as I can tell for helping everyone, and Alex was sent home for a bad dress but also for being the one who did the terrible pitch. (click for more)

Project Runway 10/13/16--"There's No I in Team" summary

Previously on “Project Runway”: everyone had to make swimwear for Heidi's clothing line. This was also combined with the “make your own print” challenge. Sigh. Rik won, with a graphic black and white geometric print that was actually pretty good. Was it original? No, but it would sell. Sarah made something boring and I had forgotten she existed until suddenly she had a bunch of screen time. So you could tell from the beginning of the episode she was going home. (click for more)

Project Runway 10/6/16--"Sink or Swim" summary

Previously on “Project Runway”: the designers had to make outfits that would undergo a “transformation” under a blacklight. Everyone used neon and some fancy paint and whatever. Cornelius continued to try to be the funny mean person but he's not that funny and everyone knows what he's doing anyway. Erin won, and she did make a print for her skirt by pasting designs and beads on there by hand, but the whole thing looked cheap and wasn't as impressive as she insisted. Kimber was eliminated. She had an ugly print and the paint did absolutely nothing so it was boring. (click for more)

Project Runway 9/29/16--"Blacklight or Daylight?" summary

Previously on “Project Runway”: everyone acted like it was the “real women” challenge, except that everyone used their models instead of random women. They talked a big game about how everything was supposed to be flattering for all body types and all of that, but then the judges awarded the win to a jumpsuit with a giant keyhole in the back. A keyhole lined in orange. It was a vagina, is what I'm saying. I like Laurence but the average woman cannot wear an olive green silk jumpsuit that is only “a little” baggy. In other news Cornelius was very concerned with shittalking other people but no one seemed to be encouraging him. Linda was out for making a sad sheer kimono thing over a boring sweater dress. (click for more)

Project Runway 9/22/16--"Just Fabulous!" summary

Previously on “Project Runway”: the first episode of the show was an unconventional materials challenge. After 15 seasons of this show, people are still complaining that they don't use unconventional materials. You know it's coming. There was a minimum of drama, somehow. Erin won for making an all-yellow dress that was chic, I guess. Ian was out for doing a boring sheath dress with some fringe and then arguing about it. (click for more)

Project Runway 9/15/16--"An Unconventional Launch Party" summary

Previously on “Project Runway”: Our first plus-size collection won, and that designer has a line out at J.C. Penny. That's pretty much all you need to know. Full disclosure: I have shopped at J.C. Penny before, but I certainly don't assume I'm getting the height of fashion when I'm there. (click for more)

"Joe Schmo 2"--episode 9

Previously on “The Joe Schmo Show”: Tim was eliminated, but saved at the last minute by Derek and a “rules violation”. The rules violation turned out to be Bryce killing Montecore the falcon. Supposedly he snuck out of the house and did it in retaliation for his frog. Security cameras and everything. Bryce reacted in a crazy manner of course. So once Tim was back, then we had a silly game and TJ's fake bout of diarrhea. Then we discovered TJ stole Gerald's aquasocks, which was news to viewers because they had NEVER MENTIONED it. I mean if you want us to care that Gerald hasn't showered in four days, maybe mention that fact. So to make amends TJ offered to let Gerald pick a competition, and Gerald picked a danceoff. Loser quits the show. Gerald won, but when the elimination ceremony came around, TJ refused to quit and Derek refused to make him quit, so Gerald was eliminated. Also Cammy. Just before the episode ended, Derek announced that Piper and Austin have been deciding if they want to get back together with each other. (click for more)

"Joe Schmo 2"--episode 8

Previously on “The Joe Schmo Show”: Bryce returned to the show, because the deal is Piper thinks he's sweet. Everyone has to “profess their love” for alone time, and TJ and Cammy win. However for more entertainment, TJ and Cammy had to wear earpieces and do whatever the other contestants told them, which was pretty entertaining. No one cared if Cammy had to do dumb things but Tim was very protective of TJ's alone time. Afterwards, they told Bryce about how his frog died and that went over as well as you would think. In that he and TJ almost fought. Then went up to their room to “cool off” and were almost caught by Tim out of character. During the elimination ceremony, Derek revealed that Austin would be deciding which man would be eliminated. To everyone's anger and annoyance he decided on Tim. (click for more)

"Joe Schmo 2"--episode 7

Previously on “The Joe Schmo Show”: Ingrid was allowed to return to the show, since Austin is an idiot and was speaking to the wrong grandfather. Derek revealed that Piper and Austin were a couple once. They dated for four years and broke up six months ago. Tim and Amanda won alone time by hitting on RealDolls (don't ask) and when Eleanor was upset about this, because she's not had any alone time yet, Austin tried to comfort her by bringing out the coupon book she gave him. Except for the part where he used one of the coupons with Cammy. Dumbass. On Tim and Amanda's alone time, Austin and Piper fought and then were talked into staying on the show. Everett the frog died, probably killed by the falcon. Tim was annoyed that everyone was so upset about it. At the Pearl Necklace Elimination ceremony, Eleanor realized Austin is a douche and told him to shove his locket up his ass and she quit. (click for more)

"Joe Schmo 2"--episode 6

Previously on “The Joe Schmo Show”: the producers decided Ingrid should pull a Jonny Fairplay and announced her grandfather had died, then used this to take Eleanor's alone time away from her. Which was sad. Bryce got an airplane to run a banner over the mansion asking for forgiveness, which Tim felt was super creepy but Piper felt bad for eliminating Bryce. There was a set of really dumb games vs. the models, where basically everything was sexual and the models “won” trips to Mexico. Austin's parents arrived, played by the same actors that played Piper's parents, only this time Mom was strict and somber and Dad was a party person. They also had the same challenge as the men, which was to do ridiculous sexual tasks or have “secrets” revealed. Everyone did it, except Cammy, so we could watch the horrible low-budget piece of shit that is “Porked and Beans”. Because you can't mention a fetish porn video without actually having a video. Then Ingrid was sent home because Austin called her house and her grandfather answered. Amanda told Austin her mom's dad lives with them, and it was her dad's dad who died. Oops. (click for more)

"Joe Schmo 2"--episode 5

Previously on “The Joe Schmo Show”: Since Ingrid was too suspicious for this show and figured out it was all fake, the producers let her in on the secret and offered her the chance to join the cast. If she can make it to the end she can win $100,000. So she accepted and they brought in Amanda so they could go back to having one girl and one guy schmo. After that, there were sausages, a cameo from Matt Kennedy Gould, and Piper's parents. The men had a weird contest to do inappropriate things or “secrets” would be revealed. In the end Piper's parents gave Gerald immunity and Bryce was kicked out. Not before he was creepy one last time though. (click for more)

"Joe Schmo 2"--episode 4

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"Joe Schmo 2"--episode 3

Previously on “The Joe Schmo Show”: the solution to Ingrid being suspicious was to have the “bitch” of the house take her aside and tell her to quit ruining it for everyone else. Not a terrible strategy, as it seems to work. Austin flirted with Cammy a lot, giving Eleanor a chance to live up to her nickname of “The Weeper”. She got very upset with Austin but he still picked Cammy for grape stomping because Austin is actually not so great. Tim continued to hate Bryce. Ernie took off his shirt, and since he's a big guy Piper was disgusted and sent him home first. (click for more)

"Joe Schmo 2"--episode 2

Previously on “The Joe Schmo Show”: we met our schmos, Ingrid and Tim, who are supposedly trying to look for love on a dating show. The first eliminations were all minority people, because dating shows are full of white people. Later there were gifts, drinking, stripping, and a hot tub date. Ingrid and Tim are cool people but not the overwhelmingly awesome person Matt was last season. I don't care because they're still great. The “Pearl Necklace” eviction ceremony sent Rita the drunk home. However, during the ceremony the women were all asked to plead their case to Austin. Everyone had rehearsed speeches, of course, except Ingrid. And she noticed. (click for more)

"Joe Schmo 2"--episode 1

Previously on “The Joe Schmo Show”: the first season of the show was an interesting experiment. Matt was a great schmo, because he was an all-around great guy and everyone really liked him. He stood up for people and was nice to everyone. He also really deserved his prizes. (click for more)

"The Joe Schmo Show"--episode 8

Previously on “The Joe Schmo Show”: Ralph surprised everyone with a sudden death elimination. Both Hutch and Ashleigh told Matt he should vote for Brian, but in the end, everyone voted for Ashleigh. Then Ralph revealed that the eliminated contestants would be returning to decide who wins the game. Matt briefly freaked everyone out by saying he had been wondering if the network exec was real or an actor. We had jury questioning, and Matt was his usual nice upstanding self, saying he had a great time and he's won already. Then each jury member read their own vote and explained themselves. So far there are two votes Hutch, two votes Matt, and one vote Brian. Dr. Pat told everyone she was voting for the realest person, and then the episode ended. (click for more)

"The Joe Schmo Show"--episode 7

Previously on “The Joe Schmo Show”: Hutch returned, because of some plausible legal stuff. And because it's more entertaining for him to come back. There was a gross eating challenge, complete with supposedly asking Matt to eat dog shit. Conveniently once he protested he was told there was a network exec there for him to talk to. The “network executive” told him if he got Molly and Ashleigh to kiss they could have their rewards. Matt was ready to ask them to go topless even. After Matt and Hutch win immunity, Kip and Molly were eliminated. Molly and Ralph made out as she left. (click for more)

"The Joe Schmo Show"--episode 6

Previously on “The Joe Schmo Show”: Ralph had to wear a bee costume, and everyone else had to rub honey on each other. Matt and Molly lost, so they had to stay handcuffed to each other all day. Then Molly's boyfriend showed up, slut-shamed her for wearing a bikini, and left, which set up Molly hooking up with Ralph. Hutch continued to threaten Kip with the pool, and was kicked off the show for threatening other cast members. (click for more)

"The Joe Schmo Show"--episode 5

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"The Joe Schmo Show"--episode 4

Previously on “The Joe Schmo Show”: Ashleigh got Matt to end his crush on her by admitting her crush on Ralph, and then being a bitch to Molly at every opportunity because she felt Molly was throwing herself at Ralph. There was a talent show that Hutch won. Matt tried to get everyone to vote for Ashleigh, but Earl was eliminated instead. This sent everyone into a downward spiral, especially Matt, and everyone questioned if they would continue the show. (click for more)

"The Joe Schmo Show"--episode 3

Previously on “The Joe Schmo Show”: Matt was still annoyed about Gina voting for him. He made sure to apologize to Molly for voting for her, because that's how he is. There was another rigged show, designed to make all the guys wear stupid costumes and clean the house. This allowed Hutch to take some pictures of his ass to put in Kip's photo album, so they could have a fight about it later and Kip could get really pissed. Matt did not kick Hutch's ass, even though everyone thought he probably would. Then they all got on the hot tub and said nice things about each other. (click for more)

"The Joe Schmo Show"--episode 2

Previously on “The Joe Schmo Show”: in the second part of the premiere, Matt defended Kip from Hutch, also recognized a porn star and got to touch her boob, and “won” the Master Suite where he can sleep by himself. Gina did what I felt was a terrible acting job, especially after everyone “found” her whiteboard of impressions of everyone, but Matt assumed she was acting weird because she was screwing him over by voting for him. Gina was eliminated and gave a Survivor rip-off speech. (click for more)

"The Joe Schmo Show"--episode 1 part 2

Previously on “The Joe Schmo Show”: we were introduced to the idea of a fake reality show, where everyone is an actor with a script save for one person. We met Matt and all his ridiculous “competitors”, watched them wear each other's underwear, screw up their backstories, and freak out about screwing up while Matt didn't notice a thing. (click for more)

The Joe Schmo Show

Well there isn't a lot on in the summer. ABC has thwarted my desire for random weirdo reality shows that have strange concepts. All they're doing is remaking game shows. So I went back a bit for my random weirdo reality show. “The Joe Schmo Show”. (click for more)

TAR 28 Recap Leg 12, 5-13-16

Welcome to Leg 12! Last time, on God, Another Season of Gimmicky Nonsense, 11 teams of internet celebrities raced from their hometowns around the world. As usual, eight teams were eliminated along the way, most recently Burnie and Ashley when they fell into the trap of travelling to the Shenzhen Civic Center, which was pictured on the clue, instead of the Library Terrace, which was printed on the clue. (Toyouke: “I barely remember some of these people.”) That leaves best friends Tyler and Korey, who took an early lead in the race and then fumbled about halfway through, leading to one of the closest races to the Pit Stop in race history. Since then, they’ve recovered, and managed three first place finishes in a row. Also in the running are engaged dancers Dana and Matt, who, although a strong team, had numerous meltdowns on the race and threatened to quit more than once. And quintessential underdogs, mother and son Sheri and Cole, with their positive attitude and crazy luck of being last on two of the three nonelimination legs, managed to squeeze through to the third spot. Who will win The Amazing Race 28? (click for more)

Interview with Sam from "Project Runway: All Stars"

Normally I don't go looking for things like this, but here is an interview with Sam. I very much enjoy reading Previously.tv, as the spiritual successor to Television Without Pity. Be warned that the interviewer, while a very funny woman whom I enjoy reading, is also a Sam fan. http://previously.tv/project-runway-all-stars/we-all-understand-that-there-is-a-game-being-played-project-runway-all-starss-sam-donovan/

Opinions behind the cut: (click for more)

TAR 28 Recap Leg 11, 5-8-16

Welcome to Leg 11! Last time, on I Hope It Doesn’t Cock-a-Doodle Doo Doo On Me!, 5 teams continued to race through Bali. The detour dealt with chickens and coconuts, and when given the chance, Tyler and Korey U-Turned Brodie and Kurt, protected by Burnie and Ashley. As a result, Tyler and Korey win their fourth leg (since Brodie has to do the Roadblock) and Brodie and Kurt were eliminated. Who will be eliminated. . . next? (click for more)

Project Runway All Stars 5/5/16--"New York State of Mind" summary

Previously on “Project Runway All Stars”: the designers were asked to create their own fabrics, with a “print on print” design, and then choose more prints to make something hopefully not crazy. Ken doesn't do prints and freaked out for most of the episode. Dom won, because she has always mixed prints really well. Kini also did fine. Then Alyssa pretended they haven't had two non-elimination episodes this season and made Sam and Ken have one of their stupid one-hour “take these old outfits and make something new” challenges. Ken made a terrible print, it's true, but Sam made another jumpsuit and used that same mesh that he's been using. If you judge just on this episode Ken should have gone home, but if you look at the whole season Sam should have gone home several times over so when the judges decided his lumpy jacket he made in an hour was crap, I'm not sorry he was eliminated. It was long overdue. (click for more)

TAR 28 Recap Leg 10, 4-29-16

Welcome to Leg 10! Last time, on That’s One of Tyler’s Ex-Boyfriends, 6 teams made their way to Bali, Indonesia. There was snake, fruit and water carrying, and Rachel had a hard time with the water. Sheri and Cole successfully completed a Speed Bump, and a Double Roadblock leg caused Kurt to max out of Roadblocks, forcing Brodie to complete at least one. As per whenever Brodie had to complete a Roadblock this season, Tyler and Kurt won the leg (Toyouke: “I do enjoy that whenever Brodie has to take a Roadblock and actually complete it, Tyler and Korey win the leg.”), and Zach and Rachel couldn’t overcome Brodie’s incompetence, and were eliminated. Who will be eliminated. . . next? (click for more)

Project Runway All Stars 4/28/16--"Prince of Prints" summary

Previously on “Project Runway All Stars”: the usual “avant-garde” challenge asked the designers to be inspired by artwork. As usual no one was really avant-garde but I'm no longer surprised by it. Sam decided to make his dress about gay marriage, and it was horrible. But unlike how it usually goes, when someone doesn't follow directions and tries to make a dress out of their lives for pity points, Sam was not eliminated. Because of course. Ken sort of called him out, but not that well because he was trying to take the tack of “I just don't think you're working to your potential”. Ken himself won by making a dramatic dress with a huge collar that acted like blinders. Emily was sent home for making something boring. Also for not having as much drama as Sam, I'm pretty sure. (click for more)

TAR 28 Recap Leg 9, 4-22-16

Welcome to Leg 9! Last time, on Ooo, Girl, Sand!, 6 teams made their way to Dubai. Sheri immediately got lost when she had to drive herself. Everyone else managed to deal with camels in various ways, but not faster than Brodie and Kurt, who managed to get to the Roadblock first, stumping Brodie and causing the use of the Express Pass. (It is important to note that Brodie has done exactly three roadblocks: find an emerald in mud, hang glide in the snow, and this one, which he Express Passed. When Brodie did the other two, Tyler and Korey won the leg. Just saying.) In the meantime, Sheri and Cole came in last, but were saved by the last non-elimination of the season. Who will be eliminated. . . next? (click for more)

Project Runway All Stars 4/21/16--"State of the Art" summary

Previously on “Project Runway All Stars”: the designers were asked to make an outfit for a pre-existing clothing line. Said clothing line is “sophisticated with a badass edge” and also it was a summer look. This didn't go as well as I assume they thought it would. It's hard to make a summer look that includes the usual “badass” indicators like leather and dark colors. Anyway, Emily won by making a sleeveless vest with an asymmetrical lapel (in black) and knee length culottes. Asha was eliminated for a mostly boring sheath dress with leather in dark red which was not summer. (click for more)

TAR 28 Recap Leg 8, 4-15-16

Welcome to Leg 8! Last time, on Make Sure You Grab Your Bag Before Racing, 7 teams traveled to Tbilisi, Georgia. There was much failing at the Detour, but they Ashley pulled ahead in a dancing Roadblock, only to be navigated to the wrong location for the Pit Stop. Zach and Rachel managed to place first, while Scott accidentally stole Tyler’s bag, setting up a foot race to the mat, ultimately lost by Scott and Blair, who were eliminated. Who will be eliminated. . . next? (click for more)

Project Runway All Stars 4/14/16--"Rebel With a Cause" summary

Previously on “Project Runway All Stars”: Alyssa pretended her sports-branded clothing line was “athleisurewear” as opposed to “women's logo items”. Anyway, the designers were supposed to design an outfit that could go from a sporting event to a nice dinner. Ken got very frustrated in the middle of the challenge and...just walked out. He said he didn't want to go off on anyone so he left. The day of the runway he returned and nothing was ever said, nor was he penalized in any way. I mean, whatever, I guess. At the least, good for him to have seen what his reputation was and trying to not be a jerk on TV again. Sam was once again far too cocky for his skill level, as he made a cocktail dress. Kini won, because a long jacket with one side in all black allows for branding and logos? The bottom three was Sam, Ken, and Layana, so of course Layana was eliminated because even though she made some nice leggings, she is not drama. (click for more)

TAR 28 Recap Leg 7, 4-8-16

Welcome to Leg 7! Last time, on No One Expects the Cleaning Guy!, 7 teams traveled from France to Yerevan, Armenia. Rooster Teeth and Ultimate made bread, while other teams made rugs, and left Tyler and Korey in the dust. In the meantime, Sheri and Cole somehow surged to second, but lost ground when Sheri couldn’t change the oil. Brodie and Kurt get first again, and an Express Pass, and Sheri and Cole are not eliminated and handed their next clue in order to keep racing. Who will be eliminated. . . next?

Project Runway All Stars 4/7/16--"A Touch of Style" summary

Previously on “Project Runway All Stars”: everyone had to make outfits based on fairy tale characters. “Finding Neverland” was brought up again because the producers of this show are involved in that show and it's all dumb but whatever. Everyone continues to hate Sam, and Sam also continues to be overly cocky when he's only being kept around for drama. Asha won the challenge, by making a top with a long peplum that was like Rapunzel's braid somehow? Sam was finally in the bottom but Alexander made a really boring old gown for Cinderella and was sent home. (click for more)

TAR 28 Recap Leg 6, 4-1-16

Welcome to Leg 6! Last time, on Running in the Snow in France Is Totally Doable, 8 teams visited the French Alps, and promptly freaked out. Team Rooster Teeth chose to build tents instead of climbing a mountain and failed miserably, while Brodie’s inability to run in the snow allowed Tyler and Korey to take first place. Erin and Joslyn, who also could not run in the snow, were eliminated. Who will be eliminated. . . next?

Project Runway All Stars 3/31/16--"Once Upon a Runway" summary

Previously on “Project Runway All Stars”: so the judges decided no one could pick out fabric ever. The answer to that is obviously to assign types of fabric to everyone and then force them to switch fabrics with other designers once purchased. Everyone traded around but you will note that Kini and Sam, two designers who have “drama”, exchanged fabric with each other. There was a lot of Sam crowing that he found something awesome to do with Kini's shit fabric, and a lot of Kini bitching that he couldn't do anything with Sam's shit fabric. Kini made a horrible horrible lace bathrobe but was safe somehow. Dom created a striped skirt out of solid colors of linen, and it was really cool, so she won. Valerie's jumpsuit was boring, and Layana's was puckery and tacky, but I guess boring was more of an issue because Valerie was sent home. (click for more)

Project Runway All Stars 3/24/16--"Bait and Stitch" summary

Previously on “Project Runway All Stars”: the designers were supposed to make “couture” with a Baroque inspiration. Really that meant a lot of brocade. Sam got help from people and I guess because he didn't tell anyone he had help everyone is still mad at him. Whatever, you guys. I get it, no one likes Sam. Layana made a great coat which was not brown but dark red, at least I thought so. The judges didn't like it. Ken made a very dramatic long gown and cape in dark bronze sequins and he won. It was actually a great dress. Mitchell had all these ideas but he ran out of time and failed so he was eliminated. I am fine with it because he should have gone home for that hot pink travesty from a couple of weeks ago. (click for more)

Top Chef 3/17/16--"Finale" summary

Previously on “Top Chef”: we had a whole season in California. Jeremy did really well and then screwed up a bunch of times, then the last episode or two he was great again. Amar was fine but was eliminated. He won Last Chance Kitchen and is now in the finale. I like Amar but the fact that Tom didn't want to eliminate him in the first place makes me suspicious. “Project Runway” has ruined reality shows for me because now I'm always assuming there are producer shenanigans. (click for more)

Project Runway All Stars 3/17/16--"Going for Baroque" summary

Previously on “Project Runway All Stars”: the designers were asked to design winter outfits for naturalists. To be fair, the task “design clothing for people who normally do not wear clothing” is an interesting challenge. So you know this show didn't explore any of those ideas. Mitchell got a high score because his clothing was not super tacky and “boring” is a success for him. Valerie made a big bathrobe and Sam a boring maxi skirt and sweater. Both clients liked the outfits, which I guess is something. Then the judges decided not to eliminate anyone which is some bullshit, and then no one was happy about it (obviously) and Alexander said “Maybe we should all flirt with the judges” which is cold but also true. (click for more)

TAR 28 Recap Leg 5, 3-11-16

Welcome to Leg 5! Last time, on Remind ME Again What Country Switzerland Is In, 9 teams flew on the same flight from Colombia to Switzerland. #Blodie was established, and the Detour was Steady versus Accuracy. Teams had to know their flags in order to catch trains to the Pit Stop in Chamonix, which ended in 8 teams pretty much vying for first place, and the models Brittany and Jessica being eliminated. Who will be eliminated. . . next? (click for more)

Top Chef 3/10/16--"Magic Hour" summary

Previously on “Top Chef”: an ACTUAL Sudden Death Quickfire involving...toast...had Carl and Amar battling to not be eliminated. Sadly Amar lost and was sent home right away. Then Hubert Keller came out and said everyone would be cooking the last meal before the finale at the location of the first ever Quickfire. Never mind that it's closed. This will be the last meal to come out of the Fleur de Lys kitchen. No pressure. Jeremy impressed everyone with his potatoes and fish and won the challenge. Carl tried to make a foie gras torchon in 3 hours instead of 3 days and was eliminated. (click for more)

Project Runway All Stars 3/10/16--"Birthday Suits" summary

Previously on “Project Runway All Stars”: we had the usual “unconventional materials” challenge. You guys know how it works. Anyway, the judging was the usual shitshow, because Kini and Dom made really cool outfits and were safe, and Mitchell put hot pink medical tubing and sheriff's badges all over his model and he was safe too. Sam won with some dumb shapeless coat, which, fine. But then everyone wants to flirt with him which is terrible even if he's cute. No chill. Stella was eliminated for making boring mall clothes. I think boring clothes are better than fugly clothes, but I clearly am not in charge of anything. (click for more)

TAR 28 Recap Leg 4, 3-4-16

Welcome to Leg 4! Last time, on Maybe You Should Talk to the Person Who Gave You the Clue Before You Lose, 10 teams kept racing through Colombia. Tyler and Korey somehow leapt into the lead, while Zach and Rachel start to implode, because they can’t count. But it’s Brodie and Kurt who retake the top spot, and Darius and Cameron who get eliminated after being unable to find the person with their Roadblock clue. Sigh. Who will be eliminated. . . next? (click for more)

Top Chef 3/3/16--"Back Where It All Started" summary

Previously on “Top Chef”: Martin Yan was here which was super awesome! Everyone made chop suey and Marjorie won. She got to pick her partner for the Elimination challenge and then assign everyone else's partners. The partners were eliminated contestants just for fun. Spoiler: there was no drama from this move even though one of the eliminated chefs was Phillip. The actual contestants had to make up a concept for a fast casual restaurant, then make a menu and one dish to serve the judges. Carl created a southern Mediterranean menu plan which looked really good and ended up beating out Marjorie's pasta idea for the win. Kwame wanted to do chicken and waffles, which was a good idea, but he used frozen waffles and was eliminated. (click for more)

Project Runway All Stars 3/3/16--"Fashion 911" summary

Previously on “Project Runway All Stars”: designers were paired up to create red carpet looks for Little Big Town for the Academy of Country Music Awards. The venue is important in red carpet challenges because the same thing that you could sort of get behind for MTV is way too tacky for the Golden Globes and so forth. Plus we are talking about two members of the same group so they have to mostly coordinate. The “make the two looks opposites of each other” is dumb but it's Project Runway so what are you going to do? Asha and Alexander made the only two items that went together AND were appropriate so they won. Mitchell made a horrible gathered and draped pink skirt and Daniel Franco put his model in her underwear and then wrapped her in lace, basically. They were both terrible and I don't know why they didn't eliminate both of them but in the end they only eliminated Daniel Franco. Probably because Mitchell hasn't caused enough drama yet. (click for more)

TAR 28 Recap Leg 3, 2-26-16

Welcome to Leg 3! Last time, on Our Taxi Driver Is So Slow, We Might Save Time To Leave Him a Mile Away From the Detour and Run, 11 teams continued racing from Mexico to Colombia. It was a comedy of errors as Darius and Cameron, who somehow can’t book tickets in an airport and believe all clues must be in clueboxes, and Marty and Hagan, who manage to pick the slow cab driver and leave their car parked as far away from the Detour as possible, battled it out for last place. In other crazy news, Tyler and Korey manage to get first place, and even though Scott and Blair had a Speed Bump, it was Marty and Hagan who were finally the first team eliminated. Who will be eliminated. . . next? (click for more)

Top Chef 2/25/16--"Wok This Way" summary

Previously on “Top Chef”: everyone had to make up rap names, which was terrible and best forgotten. Then the Elimination challenge asked everyone to pick a historical time period and make a dish that would be from that time and place. I really liked this challenge. It's creative and is not just “cook something good”. Amar got Paris and Belle Epoque, which means he got fancy French fine dining. He made a great dish that reminded everyone of culinary school and fine dining and he finally won a challenge. Karen pouted that she couldn't pick China (no, she actually made a passive-aggressive comment about it out loud) so she took Japan. Then she decided to make a Chinese dish anyway so she was eliminated. (click for more)

Project Runway All Stars 2/25/16--"A Little Bit Country, A Little Bit Rock N Roll" summary

Previously on “Project Runway All Stars”: the challenge was to make a garment that would be put in front of a wind machine. So supposedly the designers were going to think about movement and flow. In reality the movement only looked cool when shown in slow motion from the side. Otherwise the wind was very strong. Also in practice almost everyone made capes. Mitchell is still obsessed about Sam saying shit on his blog, which is a year old and maybe get over it? Although maybe Sam could offer some vague apology that everyone knows is fake but is technically the right thing to do? Anyway, Sam is the winner, for an actually decent dress. Fade is out, which is dumb because although his dress wasn't great, it came down to Emily and Fade, two low-drama people. As opposed to Mitchell's fugly dress with streamers in the skirt and drama with Sam. (click for more)

TAR 28 Recap Leg 2, 2-19-16

Welcome to Leg 2! Last time, on Look At Me, Ma, I’m on Television and Not Just YouTube!, 11 teams started Amazing Race 28. They raced from different airports to Mexico City, where there was mariachi and fireworks. The Roadblock caused a major shift in order, allowing the dancers Dana and Matt to come in first, and Scott and Blair to be last. But, this is the first of three non-elimination legs, and they are still in the Race! Blair then laments bringing a curling iron and a hair dryer with her and making her dad carry them. (Toyouke: “Yes, Phil, your reaction to this dumb girl's hair dryer is the correct one. “) Who will be eliminated. . . next? (click for more)

Top Chef 2/18/16--"Hammer Time" summary

Previously on “Top Chef”: the second part of Restaurant Wars allowed people to learn from their mistakes. They sort of did? But while the two teams were mostly even after lunch service, Palate did a much better job at dinner, with much better food. Isaac won, which was nice after the girls complained so much about his not being elegant enough. Phillip seriously failed at FOH, and the service was crap, and his dumb salad was dumb. While Kwame and Amar did well enough at lunch to save themselves, Phillip and Jeremy did not. But Jeremy's poor executive chef timing at lunch and his terrible risotto at dinner were no match for Phillip's terrible service and his salad that Gail said was stupid. So no more Phillip. (click for more)

Project Runway All Stars 2/18/16--"Let It Flow" summary

Previously on “Project Runway All Stars”: a bunch of people who I remember mostly for their drama and annoyingness (rather than their designs) showed up on my TV for no reason. OK, I guess not for no reason. Their first challenge was to think of a moment when they knew they were “destined” to be a designer and then make a “fashion-forward” outfit about it. During most of the episode not everyone talked about specific moments but then on the runway during judging they all had one. Also Hot Makeup Guy Scott has returned. Valerie won, which was nice. It was a cute outfit. Daniel Franco and Mitchell had terrible outfits but instead of getting rid of anyone the judges decided not to eliminate anyone. Which is DUMB because 1. your job is to eliminate people and 2. unless you're going to have a double elimination you just made the season longer by an episode and if you wanted a longer season you should have cast more people. It's not like you seemed to have high standards when it came to casting. (click for more)

TAR 28 Recap Leg 1, 2-12-16

Welcome to Leg 1 of The Amazing Race 28! When we join Phil, he’s hanging out in Mexico City, at the Monument of the Revolution. Wait, Phil, that’s not in the United States, so what’s up? Turns out the gimmick this season was to get eleven teams of social media stars. So that we can see how they can function offline. How droll. Well, they are waiting at home for a phone call from Phil so that they can start the race! (Toyouke: “You know they know the race is about to start. They're together and have their bags packed.”) So the eleven teams are: (click for more)

TAR 28 Recap Leg 0, 2-5-16

Welcome back to the Amazing Race! It’s season number twenty-eight, and the gimmick this season involves internet stars! With no access to social media, complete with surprises, U-Turns, and other TAR ridiculousness. (Toyouke: “My thoughts on this casting are, CBS mistakenly believes gimmicks will cause people to watch. I don't know that it will? I guess they think "social media influencers" will bring a built-in audience? Or we'll all be super bored like last season. Also I don't watch any of these people's YouTube channels or Vines or whatever and I'm not about to start just because they're on TV. Also remember Joey? Exactly.“) Oh, and I brought Toyouke along for the snark. Aren’t you lucky? The eleven teams for TAR28 are: (click for more)

Top Chef 2/11/16--"Restaurant Wars Part 2" summary

Previously on “Top Chef”: the first part of Restaurant Wars, because this season they have to make both lunch and dinner, as well as being either FOH or executive chef for one service. Phillip was Phillip, and tried to design a salad that was too complicated and Kwame was tired of dealing with him. Marjorie and Karen decided Isaac was not a good enough chef, so they...had him be executive chef instead of front-of-house? When service actually started, Jeremy made the decision to stop all service while they made the food for the judges. So some people had to wait over half an hour between courses, and as a result they didn't serve all their tables lunch. District LA (that's Phillip, Jeremy, Kwame, and Amar) had better appetizers, while Palate (Karen, Isaac, Marjorie, and Carl) had stronger entrees. (click for more)

Project Runway All Stars 2/11/16--"What Makes an All Star?" summary

Previously on “Project Runway”: some nonsense, and then some more nonsense, and then everyone tried to have the show with Tim Gunn but without Heidi but that didn't last. But apparently it is important enough that you can be on that show and still be an All Star? “What Makes an All Star?” is a person who has the time and feels like being on TV again, as far as I can tell. No one from the last season of this show. Filming conflicts? Or no one was good enough? Who knows.(click for more)

Top Chef 2/4/16--"Restaurant Wars Part 1" summary

Previously on “Top Chef”: everyone had to make pretty food for the Quickfire, and no one ate any, they just took pictures and saw how many likes they could get. What was nice about the challenge is that no one knew who won until Judges' Table. The Elimination challenge involved cooking for Beefsteak, which is a big charity event where everyone dresses up and then eats with their hands. Apparently also you were supposed to make beef, which people whined about. Everyone complained, but first of all they didn't tell the contestants beef, they just said meat, and second, they let Phillip win because he made lamb chops on the bone which was the kind of eating-with-our-hands thing they wanted. Kwame still was struggling, but since he had a good idea/poor execution, he was viewed a little better than the other two fish dishes which were poor ideas. Chad's fish dish was too fussy and had microgreens so he was sent home. Oh and Karen won the Quickfire, not that it mattered since she was never in danger of going home. (click for more)

Top Chef 1/28/16--"Where's the Beef?" summary

Previously on “Top Chef”: the Quickfire was overly complicated for some reason, asking contestants to take turns picking out one ingredient and then those were the only ten ingredients allowed to be used. I don't know. Jeremy won immunity (and I didn't write it down? Or talk about it? I don't know what I was doing last week). For the Elimination Challenge everyone must make a dish representing who they were and how they were ten years ago. Because “Top Chef” is ten years old. Marjorie made green curry because she was a “green” chef back then, and she won. Jason continued to be ridiculous because he talked about how he's better than all these “norms” and then said ten years ago he was a raging asshole and he's totally not like that now. Kwame, on the other hand, was having a rough time back then and he really did not like to remember that time. Phillip said to Tom's face that he should be cooking for the judges and what they want, and then later claimed to have tasted every piece of fish he served. But Jason was sent home finally. (click for more)

Top Chef 1/21/16--"Back in the Day" summary

Previously on “Top Chef”: the contestants had to make fish tacos on a pier in San Diego in a “Sudden Death” Quickfire. Angelina lost when she didn't manage to get her tacos plated on the plates. She picked Wesley to go against in making a dish with Caesar salad ingredients, but sadly she lost and was sent home. The Elimination challenge forced everyone to make a dish to pair with a specific beer created by one of the judges. Isaac temporarily lost his mind and made mayonnaise out of bananas, but luckily he was safe. Karen won with a delicious beet puree. Wesley had overcooked meat and terrible presentation so he was eliminated. (click for more)

Top Chef 1/14/16--"Banannaise" summary

Previously on “Top Chef”: the Quickfire involved dates which wasn't that interesting, like, I get that people have cute stories but whatever. Jason won immunity and immediately became a really obnoxious smug jerk. Everyone had to cook in a group for a group gay wedding, which was actually cute and fun. Phillip failed because he made like, potato sauce or something, and then everyone tried to bitch at him for not being honest about how he totally didn't tell them it would be sauce and not mashed potatoes? I mean, the judges hated the potatoes and Phillip told them it was exactly how he wanted, and they weren't trying to argue that the team should have stopped him. So just let him fail. Anyway, Karen and Giselle also had a failed dish and Giselle basically admitted she didn't do anything so she went home. (click for more)

Top Chef 1/7/16--"Big Gay Wedding" summary

Previously on “Top Chef”: there was a weird Quickfire about cooking with the sun, that Wesley won. Also Phillip put his dish on rocks he picked up off the ground, because Phillip. Giselle managed to break her solar oven and Grayson kept on complaining like she does. The Elimination challenge involved cooking in pairs on the golf course. Jeremy won, I would like to think partially for making ceviche and keeping it on ice. Grayson served bad corn? It wasn't good enough to serve raw so she cooked it but this is still terrible? Whatever, she went home and was pissed because she has so much experience, etc. You can fill that part in. (click for more)