Friday, July 8, 2016

"The Joe Schmo Show"--episode 5

Previously on “The Joe Schmo Show”: After Earl's eviction, Matt was really upset. So upset the producers talked about not continuing. But they did, telling the actors to move the storylines a little faster and just be aware, I guess, that this is a real guy. So they decide to do some sumo wrestling and Matt laid Dr. Pat out and gave her a head injury. Oops. He was upset again (partially because one of the storylines they advanced was that Dr. Pat and Hutch slept together) but she was fine. Matt won the sumo game, but he gave his trip prize to Dr. Pat because he felt bad. The elimination game made Ashleigh a bitch about Molly flirting with Ralph but allowed Matt to win immunity. Dr. Pat left the game with $25,000, a bribe to quit. Matt was shocked, because it was attached to the trip prize he gave away, but he said he wouldn't have taken it anyway. (click for more)

Daily production meeting. Yesterday went well, even with Dr. Pat getting hurt. The producers mention that they're changing things again to keep things real. At lunch Matt asks Hutch why he voted for Dr. Pat if he slept with her, and he says something dumb about how Hutch is open for business. Matt laughs and says he's an asshole and gives him a fist bump. Ashleigh tries to tell Matt not to do that, but Matt gets offended that she and Kip think he is being fake. He says Hutch knows full well that Matt thinks he's disgusting and an asshole, but he is who he is. But Matt isn't quiet about it. Hutch brags that blabbing about how he slept with Dr. Pat doesn't hurt her because she had multiple orgasms. Matt turns to the camera and says “Can you fucking believe this guy?” Then he claims he would have taken the money. I don't know, but he did say he didn't regret giving his prize away. Matt praises Kip's analogy ability. Something about if you had a BMW and you got a scratch on it, you still have a BMW.

Ralph comes in and asks to talk to Molly alone outside. Ashleigh starts complaining about it, and Kip and Matt say maybe he's telling her he's not flirting, or that he's not interested, or something. Matt thinks Ashleigh should give up her crush. Mostly because he thinks Ralph is a tool. Molly comes back in and says Ralph is so sweet because he wanted to make sure she was OK because of her panic attack yesterday. She continues that it's not his place but isn't that nice of him and Ashleigh jumps on this to say “You're right, it's not his place, as the host of the show.” Matt says “But it's OK if he hooks up with you.” Burn. Ashleigh claims she wouldn't do anything during the show itself. Matt tells Ashleigh to work their shit out, they need to just talk and please stop talking to me about it. “I don't want to be in the middle of a fight about fucking Ralph.” Molly isn't flirting, and she reminds Ashleigh about her boyfriend. Ashleigh clearly isn't buying it but she wouldn't.

The next game is called “Money, Money, Money, Honey” and involves everyone in swimsuits, attached to their partner with shackles. Like handcuffs but with a longer cord between. The girls have ruffled swimcaps, and some smartass in production has blurred out Brian's manboobs. Ralph comes out in a bee costume, which everyone laughs at. He's not happy. The director tells him to smile more, and he's like “YOU smile more!” Matt of course tries to encourage him about how this won't define his career. Each pair will be covered in honey (or “honey”) and then roll around in bills. You can only put bills on your partner's body. Matt loses it and then apologizes for laughing. Meanwhile Hutch has been making dumb comments as usual. Ralph says “So you can't touch yourself. Matt, think you can handle not touching yourself for five minutes?” Hee. The team that collects the most money wins a trip to Tahiti. Kip and Ashleigh are first. It's seriously gross, but also entertaining. Matt and Molly are second. Matt says sorry to her parents but Molly is built amazingly. They spread honey on each other. Brian and Hutch get fake porn music as they spread honey. Matt interviews that the best part of the day was Ralph in his bee costume. He's over by Matt and Molly complaining about his costume. This whole time Matt has been giving his interview while in the bathtub. When the results come back, Kip and Ashleigh win. Matt and Molly were last (Kip made sure to tell Matt he had a lot of $20 bills and not $100 bills so that's why he lost). Matt and Molly have to stay handcuffed all day.

Everyone hangs out in the hot tub (except I don't think Brian is there) and Hutch is sitting on the edge. Kip makes some jokes about maybe if Hutch gets in it'll sterilize him, and then one about the film of grease now covering the hot tub. Hutch responds by splashing Kip, and everyone gets on him about it. Hutch threatens Kip, saying if Kip says one more word he'll throw Kip in the deep end. Kip keeps being annoying and Hutch keeps threatening.

Ralph appears and says they need some entertainment so here's Molly's boyfriend! With a truly horrible song. You guys, if a guy wrote me that song I would have to keep from laughing in his face. Anyway, the song finally ends and Molly gets up to thank him. Complicated by her being attached to Matt. William is also upset she's in a bikini. He gets her a robe and is really flustered, telling her to cover herself up and wandering away. They end up near the door to the house, and Matt moves as far away as he can and turns his back to give them as much privacy as he can. Aww. William is pissed his girlfriend is sitting in a hot tub in a bikini, chained to another guy. Molly says she's not doing anything wrong, but Williams says it doesn't look like that. He says strippers take off their clothes for money and her bikini looks slutty. Ugh, this is uncomfortable and I know it's fake.

William bails, as Molly and Matt both beg him not to storm off like this. Molly insists this isn't her choice (I guess referring to being attached to Matt) and from off camera you can hear Ashleigh saying “Well it was actually.” Molly can't leave the house (show rules say it's instant elimination) but William is gone, after one last order for Molly to cover herself up. Ralph is magically at the door reminding everyone they can't leave. Matt says she could, Molly could quit the game and walk out. It's not like she's physically incapable of leaving. Matt tells her she has to make that choice, and Molly suddenly says “He called me a slut!” all mad. Matt's like, OK so let's go back to the hot tub then. Molly says he's never spoken to her like that and she didn't even know he knew those words. Meanwhile Ashleigh is trying to get Molly to quit, saying he came all the way from Wisconsin. Ralph says he's making an executive decision to unlock the handcuffs. She still can't leave, but at least they won't be attached. The minute the cuffs come off, Molly starts sobbing and falls into Ralph's arms. He kisses the side of her head as he comforts her, and then she does the same, and then they wander off to a bedroom. Not suspicious at all! Especially the part where she dropped her robe to jump into his arms. Ashleigh yells at Matt that she's totally not crazy, did you just see that? I told you. Matt is left alone in the entryway to say to the camera “This place is fucking starting to drive me crazy.”

Back in the hot tub, Ashleigh claims Molly has been asking her about sexual things and everyone seems to agree that this is a good thing. Matt knows William won't be happy about that last game where he tried to spread honey on Molly's front. Just up top though, nothing anywhere inappropriate. Of course Hutch asks if he copped a feel, and Ashleigh defends him, saying Matt is respectful of women's bodies. Hutch claims he also respects women, he respected all over Dr. Pat's back. Gross. Everyone gets up and leaves him in the hot tub alone.

At dinner, Kip asks about everyone's favorite moments. Ashleigh is like, I know Molly's. Then Hutch mentions Dr. Pat's orgasms. He later picks his toes at the table, and Matt goes off on him that whatever he does elsewhere, do not pick your toes around me at the table. Ralph says they need to go outside for dessert, which is part of the next game. As they are setting up, Hutch whispers something in Kip's ear. Kip immediately says he needs to talk to a producer right now, saying “That is it” to Hutch. When the producer shows up, he says Hutch just threatened him again about the pool. Hutch of course thinks this is an overreaction. The producers move everyone around so Kip and Hutch don't have to sit next to each other.

OK time for the game. Chocolate covered models. Who doesn't like chocolate? Apparently Matt. Use your tongue to lick off chocolate and find letters to spell a word. It was cold and no one can find letters. I mean this is taking forever. Matt goes straight for her boob, because he assumes there's a letter there. Kip is taking tiny licks, while Matt is gagging. He's holding his nose. “I want to! And I can't!” The model is presenting herself to him. Hee. Finally he just rubs his face on her which is hilarious. He is covered in chocolate, all over his shirt and face. Heh. When Molly comes out, she says “I can't do this” and quits. She had asked Matt earlier if she needed to participate and he told her no. Molly interviews that you don't know where those girls have been. Ashleigh doesn't want to do it either, but three people voted for her the last time so she has to try or it's too suspicious. In the end Ashleigh wins.

At the elimination ceremony, Ralph comes in, very uncomfortable. He says “certain circumstances” have come up and they've changed the plans. Someone has violated a rule. The rule that you will not make threats against anyone else. Hutch has continued to threaten Kip, even with repeated warnings. Therefore, the producers have decided he's getting kicked out. Hutch immediately says he's not leaving. He claims Kip has threatened him too, and he wants to talk to a producer. Ralph keeps talking about how there is no need for a vote, and Hutch is leaving. Hutch insists Kip has threatened him too. Finally Hutch asks if he doesn't get to make a speech or something, and Ralph says it's not an ordinary elimination so no. Hutch comes up, grabs the plate out of Ralph's hands, and hurls it into the fireplace himself. Then he says “Fuck this cocksucking show” and storms out. Kip wants everyone to know he didn't ask for Hutch to be kicked out. They all know. Everyone encourages Kip and reassures him that no one blames him. Matt says he's dominated this whole thing, and let's promise not to mention him any more. Then they all get into their pajamas, go to Matt's room, and have a pillow fight.

Next time: gross food, a fake network executive, and Hutch appears to be back.

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